Please read trigger warnings
This is a follow up to familiar. If you haven't read it I suggest you do. It's just posted in another story :)
Before I start this story, I should mention that it's not for everyone. Olivia is going to be completely out of character and go dark/gloomy/angry. I wanted to take her trauma and explore what could have happened had things in her life panned out differently. That being said, although there will be direct quotes of the show by its characters throughout, I will be diverting from canon.
In my series of events Noah never happened for Olivia and Lucy is her housekeeper instead of nanny … I think that's all you need to know before reading the disclaimer below.
All characters are owned by Dick wolf, and NBC, no copy right intended… this is just some fun fiction
Trigger warnings throughout:
Drug and alcohol use
Sexual assault/ mentions of r*pe
Sexual content
Language
Song: right where it belongs by NIN
——-OB——-
Lyrics: What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right
Through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?
——-OB——-
Chapter 1- Right where it belongs
January 4th 2:03pm
How could there be sunlight in a world so grey? The world hadn't always been grey, in fact she could remember a time when the green of the grass was so vivid it almost hurt her eyes to look at it. Lately, however, Olivia Benson's world was gray, so very gray. And yet the sun still had the motherfucking audacity to shine.
She could feel the warmth of it on her skin, and the blinding light from the rays was piercing through the cloudy darkness of her mind. The sun was the only thing she could register at all as she stepped foot out of that cursed brownstone.
That was until she saw the thick liquid of blood pooling around Joe's head. It was the only time color registered that day. It was instantaneous and jarring.
She saw red.
She saw William. "This is the last thing you're gonna think about before you die. The last thing you're going to see."
It wasn't the hostage situation that almost brought her to the ground that day, it wasn't from the impact of her fist to Joe's face, not even the sound of bullet hitting flesh registered in her head. It was the goddamned color red.
She thought she was dead.
She thought it was over.
Then she felt arms around her, maybe it was Carisi, or Tucker, she couldn't tell, at least She was still here. "I'm okay." Olivia rasped out, her voice thick with emotion.
"You're safe." The words registered in her mind. Everything was fuzzy; she recognized the voice, but... she was just hazy, that was all. It had been a long day. It had been a long life.
She was moving then, she could feel arms on her back, encouraging her forward. "How is everyone? Tess, Luca, Richard?" All of this couldn't have been for nothing.
"They're fine everyone is fine." That was definitely Carisi.
Olivia looked at him, briefly, she knew it was him,
she heard him. She didn't dare meet his face again. She turned to Tucker. His voice was the one she heard through it all, keeping them safe, keeping her safe. "Tucker, thank you."
"For what luitenant," his grip tightened ever so slightly on her back. "You did great in there. Come on, let's get you out of here." He said steadily leading her wherever he wanted to, because he knew she didn't have the fight in her to protest, and god knows she couldn't look anywhere other than the badge proudly resting on his vest.
Someone approached them as they walked, emts, she could tell by their uniforms. "No, I'll take her." She heard Tucker's voice in her mind, but honestly she forgot he was there in that moment, wrapped around her so tightly she could feel his warmth. Everything else faded to the wayside as she finally forced her watery eyes to look up from the road beneath her feet to scan the area surrounding the scene. There were police cars, ambulance's, bodies, voices were registering, but not a single person had anything more than a colorless blur of a familiar face.
"Liv, let's go, I'm going to take you to the hospital." Tucker coaxed, his voice laced with the concern when he noticed the blank look on Olivia's face.
She didn't want to go to the hospital, she wanted to go home. She wanted to crawl into bed and sleep until color returned to the world, however long that might take. Hell, she wanted a lot of things. She moved anyway, too tired for a fight, letting him guide her into his waiting car.
The city whizzed by in a blur, each building blending with the next. People moved like cogs on a machine, each person looked oddly familiar, and every single one of them shared the same blank expression resting on their face. It made her stomach churn, it made her realize the mental impact today had on her. Even if she wouldn't admit it out loud.
The quietness settled heavily over the car as Tucker weaved through the jam packed streets of Manhattan. She could feel his eyes on her every now and again, but she refused to look away from the surreal experience existing just outside the slightly tinted windows of the squad car. She could feel the unease rolling off of him in waves, and she knew he had a million questions ready to spill out of his lips at any moment, she wasn't ready to answer them. She wasn't ready to look at him, for fear of what she might see instead of his face looking back at her. Instead she opted to stare out the window, and let the preferable heaviness of silence envelope her whole.
——-OB——-
January 4th 5:19pm
Mercy Hospital
All hospitals tend to look the same, bland walls and some kind of generic paintings or pictures that litter walls. They each have a familiar smell of antiseptic that stings at your nostrils every time you walk into them. She had been to this particular hospital more times than she could count. It was usually to see a victim and question them about intimate details of what's most likely the worst night of their life.
This would be the fourth time she was here as the victim, The fourth time she would be questioned, the fourth time that god awful smell would linger on her long after she'd showered for the night… the fourth time the ghosts of her past would haunt her dreams.
"I'll give you the little kid, but I'm keeping my girls."
"Good morning sunshine."
"Welcome home detective benson."
"I'm gonna take my time with you"
"What happened in the basement?"
"Liv." Tucker broke through the swirl of voices dancing around in her head. She could feel him looking at her again, his breathing was soft and even giving nothing away, but she knew how he'd be looking at her. Concern, fear, pitty. "Do you need anything?"
She jumped the sound of his voice, her movement rustling the flimsy sheet of paper covering the hospital bed below her. "Tea," She rasped out the first words they had spoken to each other in what felt like hours and she was grateful to be sending him away, grateful he wasn't going to ask her more questions at the moment.
"The doctors should be in soon, I'll try to be back before they come in, Ok?" He reached out to touch her arm, but stopped short and dropped his hand just before he got to her.
Before the car ride he wouldn't let her go, and now he couldn't touch her. She didn't say anything, she didn't look up, she just sat there perfectly still. She didn't see him leave, she just heard the soft click of the door as it shut.
She let out a long steadying breath fighting against the onslaught of tears that were threatening to spill over any moment. There was a time for tears, and this wasn't it. Not when she knew at any moment someone from her squad, fin most likely, would come walking through that door.
"Hey Liv, how you holdin up?" Fin asked as he walked in the room as if on cue.
Olivia tilted her head to the side as she regarded him. She knew he would've been waiting outside her door. He would've had the restraint to stand there while someone else was inside the room, he would hover, but he wouldn't step in unless he felt it was otherwise completely unavoidable. He would wait to check her out for himself. He was that way with anyone he cared about.
"Yeah, uh…" Olivia took her shirt to her nose, uncaring that some snot might get on her already tainted garment. "Do you think you can give me a ride home?" she realized she had the question on her lips before he ever walked in, because she knew he'd walk in.
"Is everything ok?" He tilted his chin up, regarding her in that way she knew he would. He was suspicious that anything she was about to say at this moment wasn't the complete truth.
"Yes…no… I don't know." she wanted to lie to him, it would be so easy. She knew he'd do whatever she asked him to do, whether she told the truth or not. but something had to break, even if just a little. "I just… it's a lot you know?" She finally said, daring to meet his eyes.
He softened his gaze and nodded his head. "Yeah I know." He was already reaching for the door when he spoke again. "Tucker ain't gonna like this." He said as he started to turn the knob.
She knew he would do this, he was baiting her. He couldn't help himself. He was letting her know he knew something was possibly brewing in "paradise", even if she or Tucker wasn't aware of it yet. "He doesn't have a choice." Olivia's voice was the firmest it had been all day, "and if you don't take me home, I'll find someone else who will." She was quick to get defensive. She couldn't help it if she wanted to.
"You know I'll take you wherever you want to go.." He smirked then trying to lighten the mood. "I just wanted to let you know that if it came to a fight You might have to bail me out of jail first."
She smiled then unable to help herself, the color momentarily returning to the world once more in a brief flickering instant. "Thank you Fin." It was a whisper, Olivia's voice was too thick with emotion for more.
"Anything you need Liv," he smiled and then he was gone.
——OB——
January 4th 7:30 pm
Mercy hospital
The exam was mostly a blank spot. She could remember doctor Alston talking to her, or maybe it was the nurse… She felt fingers and hands, answered questions as well as she was able, she ached, she longed to be home.
"That's it Olivia, you're clear to go home, if you make sure someone stays with you tonight. That's non negotiable." Dr. Alston broke through her haze. "Who can I inform?" She asked, picking up her clipboard.
Olivia sighed as she brought her finger and thumb to the bridge of her nose. She winced slightly at the dull thumping pain the action caused. Dr. Alston (Eve) knew her well. They had both seen more victims than either of them could count. They had worked together closely on multiple cases, and at one point had become what most people might consider friends. Eve knew how stubborn Olivia was, she knew how relentless she could be when it came to her victims,
And how passive she could be when it came to her own well being... There was no way Eve was leaving this room without being able to inform her babysitter for the evening of the conditions of her release.
"Can you ask Rollins to come in here?" Olivia aquisised, because seriously she had no fight in her, and Amanda would most likely understand her better than most.
Eve arched an eyebrow and brought a hand to her hip.
"You can stay in the room when I ask her Eve, jesus." Olivia rolled her eyes. She had tried a stunt once before, after Lewis, the second time. She convinced everyone to leave, against Eve's orders and ended up back in the hospital that night.
Eve opened the door and disappeared for a moment reappearing with Amanda in tow.
"Hey Liv," Amanda smiled as she stepped into the room.
Olivia took a deep breath and shook out her arms. She hated asking for help, no matter how much she needed it… "Do you mind staying with me tonight to make sure I don't die in my sleep or drink myself to death?" Olivia almost deadpanned.
Amanda smirked and was nodding before Olivia could finish her question. "I would be happy to, yeah, let me run home first if that's cool?"
"Yeah, that's fine. Thank you." Olivia mustered up the biggest smile she could.
Amanda moved for the door before Eve stopped her in her tracks. "And what else Olivia?" She asked firmly.
Olivia furrowed her brows, and Amanda stopped in her tracks at the doctors question.
"And I won't convince her she can leave for the night." Olivia gritted out through her teeth, annoyed with the doctors obvious lack of boundaries.
"I won't go anywhere doc." Amanda assured before making a hasty exit.
"Can I go now?" Olivia asked as she started to stand from the bed.
"Yes," Eve glared at Olivia, regarding her. Olivia was good at pretending she was ok, until she just wasn't… "please call me if you need anything Olivia, I mean it."
Olivia slouched against the uncomfortable metal of the exam table behind her, she knew Eve cared about her. Even if they weren't as close as they once were, they still did work together from time to time. "I won't convince Amanda to leave ok?" Olivia wanted to run her hand over her face, but the ache of the gun she took to her cheek earlier that day was currently radiating through her head. "Look, I know last time I convinced everyone to leave and then…. And then I was back here because I had alcohol poisoning that same night." she faded off shaking her head. Years of therapy had taught her to just go there when need be. She could do that… sometimes.
"Ok," Eve accepted the answer. She knew it was tough for Olivia to admit. "But I mean it, call me if you need anything at all… or at least think about it. A nurse will be in here to release you. She will give you a prescription for some pain killers and a sleeping pill just in case you need them. No arguments. If you don't need them, throw the script away… You're cleared for visitors." Eve exited the room quickly, knowing how far to push Olivia, and when to walk away.
...
"Hey, I'm sorry I couldn't get in here before Eve." Tucker addressed the doctor informally. "Here's your tea. The cafeteria was across the damned hospital, and none of the waiting rooms had tea bags." He spoke. This was his way of apologizing for his long absence. "When can I take you home?" He asked, handing her the tea.
Olivia almost felt guilty for what she was about to do. Tucker wasn't a bad man, she even loved him in her own way. Sure they had clashed quite a bit. They distrusted and targeted each other, they fought, and bickered. Hell, he even went after her job a few times… but then things changed. Somewhere along the way she had let him in. And that's when she found he did things like go across the entire spanse of what she knew was a ridiculously large hospital just to grab her some hot water and a tea bag. He dropped everything else he was doing to come save her from a coked out madman. She also knew he'd eventually walk away. She was more than he could handle. Especially now. She knew it in her gut. She knew it because she was more than she could handle. How could she ask this burden of someone else?
"Actually fin is going to take me home." Her words fell heavy and loud against the walls of the room.
"Liv," Tucker made a move towards her, reaching out and grabbing her forearm. "Come on, don't do this." He pleaded. He knew she would do this. He should have seen it coming. "You've had a long day, let me just take you home and you can sleep. We don't have to talk, I'll even sleep on the couch." He bargained. "I'll grab breakfast in the morning, and then I'll be out of your hair for as long as you need."
Olivia reached up to his face then. She let her fingertips lightly trace his jaw as she spoke through her tear strained throat. "I think you're an amazing guy, Ed. You've been so kind and thoughtful and… and right now I just can't offer you what you deserve."
He made a move to talk before she placed her fingers over his mouth willing him not to speak. "You're not going to talk me out of this." She pressed her lips together as she shook her head. Taking a deep breath in she continued. "I know it sounds cliche but it's me not you… find someone who deserves you Tuck, I just…I can't be that person right now." She leaned in to kiss him then, it was soft, barely a whisper, she hadn't the energy for more than that. "Take care of you ok?"
Tucker backed away then, leaving her reach. He looked burned, like he was in pain. "I know I can't convince you otherwise right now, but I swear to you Olivia, I will be back. I am still here if you need anything, day or night, know that." His voice was strained, but he held steady. His eyes never wavering from hers.
A single tear fell down her cheek as he turned away from her. He didn't need to wait for an answer from her. He was resolute in his admission, and she could either accept it or not. He would give her this for now. He would give her time, but he wouldn't give up on her like she expected him to. He just didn't have that in him.
——-OB——-
January 4th 8:17 pm
Mercy Hospital
It was nightfall before she and Fin left the hospital. Brown eyes scanned the city streets from inside the inviting warmth of Fin's car. Light reflected off the black asphalt of the Manhattan city street from the rain that was currently falling from above. The soft pelts of water, and the heater were the only noise filling the small space of the vehicle she shared with someone whom she considered to be a good friend, even more so family. It was more comfortable than before, when she was in a car with Tucker.
"I know this question gets old, but are you ok? I mean, you know you can talk to me right?" Fin broke the silence.
Olivia took a deep breath in and gathered the strength she had to say something other than the words " I'm Fine" to the man she could feel regarding her as he drove. "No." She sighed out , because she was going to admit some truth to him anyway, and she knew him well enough to know he might come in slow, but he'd eventually get some form of the truth out of her. It was just easier this way, she decided, easier than the fight. "I put myself in this horrible situation again," she continued on pushing through the anxiety filling her chest. She fumbled with her fingers as her eyes moved from the all to familiar buildings surrounding her and down to her nervous hands. "And for what, a family I'll probably never see again. I was there on a whim Fin, Lucy asked me to stop by, she was concerned. She thought it was a domestic situation, she cleans for them the same day as she comes in for me." She closed her eyes and shook her eyes letting out a steadying breath continuing on. "She thought something was wrong, Lisa, the homeowner, had a cut on her face, and was quick to relieve Lucy of her duties for the day."
Fin listened intently nodding his head in an encouraging manner. He was silent, allowing Olivia to speak as much as she was willing, because if she clammed up, he wouldn't get much after that. No one would.
"Do you ever get tired of it?" Olivia asked, throwing Fin For a loop as she switched gears so quickly.
"Tired of what?" He asked, confused.
"The job, the burden of carrying the weight of a waiting victim or their family on your shoulders all the time." She rushed out, as if she didn't get it out quickly she wouldn't have said it at all. "I just wonder what it's for sometimes. I have nothing to show for it. I have no kids, no husband, I even broke up with Tucker before we left the hospital tonight." Olivia said almost casually.
"I can't say i'm surprised." Fin's admission came with a small smile. "You're too good for him." He shrugged sticking true to his very few word policy.
She shook her head at that and laughed, but it was a sad laugh, broken even. "Do you mind stopping by the station?" She asked suddenly, throwing Fin for the second loop that evening.
"Sure, anything you want." He answered without question. It was like her to want to work as a distraction, he thought. "And to answer your question from earlier ya, I do get tired of it." He said resolutely. "Maybe you should think about taking some time off you know? Longer than the couple days, Dobbs is going to make you take anyway."
"Yeah, Maybe." She said as Brown eyes trailed back to the dreary New York City night.
They pulled up to the station shortly after. The sound of water sloshed against the tires as Fin pulled up to the building they both might as well call home. "You want me to come up with you?" Fin asked as he put the car in park
"No, I'm ok Fin." Olivia opened the door. I won't be long." She shut the door before he could protest.
——-OB——-
January 4th 9:36pm
NYPD Manhattan SVU
The 16th Precinct in Manhattan Special Victims Unit was rarely quiet. However, tonight the building was almost empty. Olivia felt relieved as she made her way up the bare elevator and toward her dark vacant office. A heaviness fell on her then, a ghost of a whisper from her past. If she's being really truthful it's another trauma she hasn't been able to heal. Maybe one she was subconsciously unwilling to heal.
"What happened in the basement?"
"Nothing, I'm fine El."
"I have nothing left to lose."
She shivered as she walked forward, feeling unsteady on her legs for the third time that day. She had never fully grieved the loss of her former partner. He could be dead for all she knew. Either way he might as well be. She hadn't heard from him since that awful day he shot Jenna, since that awful day when he branded her for life. She called him several times through the months that followed his departure, willing some kind of communication from him. She even sent a few texts over the years on his birthday, wishing him the best. Not once did she receive a reply.
Eliot often came up in her mind after a traumatic experience. It wasn't new to her. She supposed she might not ever be able to truly let go of him, but she felt she had to let go at some point. She just never found the strength to be ready. He had been her constant, her Protector, the only person that she truly felt could match her as an equal. And then he disappeared like nothing ever happened between them. Still, she couldn't help but hear his voice in times like this.
She would never admit that, not out loud. She had only ever even mentioned Elliot to her therapist, Dr. Lindstrom, after she had to confess William had used Elliot as a way to bait her. He never brought up Elliot again, and neither did she. Not with anyone, unless they brought him up first. Her relationship with Elliot was complicated at best, and at worst non-existent. But first and foremost he was her partner. He could have been something more, something she might never have a word for because through it all he was married, and everything was just too complicated. Olivia loved his kids, hell she even had a weird sort of Love for his wife, Kathy. She would never ruin that for him, for any of them. Not then.
She hated herself for allowing the married man who didn't think she deserved so much as a fuck you before he walked out of her life occupy so much of her mind. She hated herself even more for allowing him to occupy so much of her heart, still, after all this time.
This building didn't help that matter. He was everywhere, at every corner. Whispered secrets, and distant memories danced like shadows off of the somewhat newly renovated walls of the precinct. You could stitch a wound, but sometimes those wounds had a way of scarring. She tried to forget him, she dated, she wrote letters she never sent, she refused to think of him at all at times, and still Elliot Stabler always had a way of creeping back into her mind.
Hell, she was essentially here at this hour because of him. She wasn't sure when she was going to be coming back to the building, and she needed something of his, no hers now, before she left. Fin's advice in the car was sounding more and more tempting the further and further she made her way into the building. She could use some time away from the pressure, the pain, the memories...
The heaviness settled on her as she got to her desk. She might as well have an elephant sitting on her chest. This feeling often came with the thought of Elliot, she realized as she opened her drawer, and shakily pulled out the shiny gold metal badge she had kept of his. She had it laying somewhere in her desk ever since the day she found out he had turned in his badge. Cragen had given it to her as an offering to soften the blow, and she was only too happy to accept.
She held the weighted item in her hand as her eyes scanned over the reflection of light that bounced off the polished badge. She should leave it here, leave him here, and never come back. She should let go of everything and everyone completely, and run to Paris and sleep with the first man who decided to buy her a drink. She sighed as the thoughts drifted from her mind, because she knew it'd never happen. Olivia closed the drawer then and shoved the badge in her pocket. She couldn't let him go, not yet. She grabbed a few files off her desk then without even scanning to see which ones they were, she was really only there for one reason anyway, she just didn't want Fin asking too many questions. He was already too inquisitive as it was. She tucked the files under her arm and quickly made her way out of the building and into the rainy night.
"Everything good liv?" Fin asked as she clicked her seat belt back on in the car.
"Yea, thanks for bringing me by, I just wanted to get these before what I'm sure will be a mandatory leave. She said setting the files down between them. "I'm ready to go home." Olivia breathed out as she clicked in her seatbelt.
——-OB——-
January 4th 10:34 pm
Olivia Benson's apartment
It's still raining by the time Olivia turns the key in her apartment door. She can feel Fin trailing behind her as she tosses her keys and files onto a messy table just inside the entryway.
"Really Fin, I'll be fine for a few minutes. Amanda is on her way, and I'm just going to take a shower anyway." She says finally turning to face him.
Fin rubbed his hands together, the movement causing the leather of his jacket to rustle, disturbing the otherwise quiet room. "Perfect, I had some things I wanted to talk with her about. I think we got a lead in that night club sex ring we've been working."
Olivia took a deep steadying breath. It was useless to get anyone to give her a few moments of alone time after the last fiasco. She hadn't meant to get a wine drunk. It was a bad day. She would be the same way if the roles were reversed, she supposed. "Suit yourself." She shrugged . "I'm going to go take a shower. Make yourself at home." She moved towards her bedroom, ready to get these tainted clothes off of her.
"Yeah, I think I'll have a beer." Fin said strutting to Olivia's fridge.
Olivia was grateful in that moment. She cared for Fin, she loved Fin. He was one of the most genuinely nice people she had ever met in her life. Sure he was a little rough around the edges, but which one of them wasn't? "Knock yourself out, I'll be back in a while." Olivia feigned a smile and closed her bedroom door behind her.
——OB——-
February 5th 11:08am
Olivia could hear the light chatter from Fin and Amanda who were sitting just outside her bedroom door. Noises would tend to carry in the sparsely filled area of her living room. She had meant to decorate her new apartment after she had moved in, she just never could seem to get around to it. She took a deep breath in as she sat her towel wrapped body on her bed, letting the strain of the day momentarily ease as she made contact with the safety of her mattress. Olive fingers trailed over the delicate stitching of her bedspread as chatter continued just on the other side of her door.
She had turned the shower off a few minutes ago, and knew she didn't have much time before one of her keepers, likely Amanda in this situation, would come check on her. Still, she had to take a moment and steady herself, evaluate her injuries, and walk out into her living room. Drops of water fell from Olivia's damp hair to the bedspread as she looked over her arms, and legs… She finally gathered her courage to face herself in the mirror. She always seemed to look a little different to herself after something like this. It wasn't just the bumps or bruises that marked her body after an attack that caused the change…. It was deeper than human. She could see the impact the damage had caused on her soul.
Shaky feet made their way back to the moisture filled bathroom that swirled with the misty fog left behind by Olivia's current shower. She had purposely avoided the mirror on her way in and out of the bathroom because she just wasn't ready to face herself. "Better sooner than later." She said out loud as she swiped her hand against the fogged up bathroom mirror.
Droplets of water streaked down the mirror blurring her reflection, but there was no mistaking the lifeless eyes staring back at her. A chill ran down the plains of her back and through her toes as she stared at the stranger occupying her space.
[Flashback]
"Just shoot me, please just shoot me, don't let this go to trial!" William taunted the sound of his handcuffed wrists clanging against the metal frame of the bed.
He was shouting at her, baiting her. He knew as well as she did that she didn't have it in her to kill him. Even when he was throwing her dad in her face, even when he was throwing Elliot in her face. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, her left temple was covered in two large gashes, her lip had a cut that just wouldn't goddamned close, because that mother fucker, Lewis, had kept ripping the duct tape off her mouth like it was a bandaid. It stung like fire, and the vodka only added to the burn. Lord knows she wanted to kill him. She wanted to shoot him point blank, and walk out of that house and never look back, he deserved to die.
"I knew you didn't have the balls." William taunted at Olivia's hesitation. He laughed, shaking his head.
She's taking a metal bar to his ribs before she can even think. He knew nothing about her, nothing. He knew nothing of her dad, or Elliot, and William Lewis was the last person who got to have a say in anything. She knows she's yelling out, she can feel the strain from her actions in the back of her throat. But the world is silent as the metal bar in her hands meets the body of another.
[End flashback]
"Hey liv, you ok?" Amanda asks gently from just outside Olivia's bedroom door.
Olivia jumps as her friend's voice brings her to the present. "Yeah, sorry, I'm just getting dressed. I'll be out in a minute." She lies smoothly, even though there's a slight quake in her voice.
"Ok, do you need any help?" Amanda was pressed up against the door, Olivia could tell by the way her voice muffled.
"No, I'm ok, just a little sore. Thank you." Olivia started making her way towards her dresser knowing her time had run out. She really wasn't all that sore. She was lucky this time she supposed. She was in a cast because of Lewis just a few years ago. At least she had full use of all her extremities and the headache was more of a dull throb at this point.
——-OB——-
Feb 4 11:47pm
"Ok Liv, have a goodnight, I'm glad you're ok. I'll call you tomorrow." Fin was standing outside Olivia's door, ready to go home for the night.
Olivia smiled and squeezed Fin's arm as she spoke. "I'll talk to you then Fin, thank you, for everything."
"Anytime Liv, anytime." He smiled before walking away.
"So did he really talk to you about a case, or was he just waiting on you to get here so he could leave?" Olivia asked,closing the door behind fin and turning to her blonde friend.
Amanda chuckled, taking a long pull from the water resting in her hand. "Both." She said as she set the glass down on the shiny wooden surface of Olivia's coffee table. "He wanted to say goodnight before he left." She shrugged.
Olivia made her way to the couch and sat down, resting her arm against the soft backing as she spoke. "He wanted to make sure I didn't give myself alcohol poisoning again." She was half joking.
"He just cares, we all do." Amanda said softly somewhere from Olivia's right.
Olivia sighed as her fingers plucked at a stray string from the stitching of her couch. "I know, I appreciate it, I do…" Olivia was sincere as she spoke, "I just hate being treated like a…" She trailed off. She couldn't say the word. It wasn't like it was dirty, or even foreign to her tongue, she just wasn't supposed to be a victim, she was supposed to protect them. It was their stories she was supposed to carry with her to bed at night, not hers. The only problem with that was she was them, and they were her.
Amanda says nothing as she regards her friend, willing her stubborn lieutenant to meet her eyes. She's not going to offer up the word. She's been on Olivia's side of the story. She knows what it's like to feel like everyone has eyes on you. Like at any moment you'll break. She knows how that word can have the tendency to hit you in the gut when you fall freshly in that category, no matter how many times it happens.
It's the long bout of silence that finally causes Olivia to look over at her Detective friend who was patiently quiet. "But you are Liv," she pushes out as Brown eyes meet blue.
Olivia moves to talk then, but Amanda is quick to cut her off. "I've been there, remember, you know I have. And I'm not going to sit here and give you a speech you can give yourself, because you and I both know it's completely useless." Olivia's quiet then, and Amanda takes that as a sign to continue. "I have nightmares at least twice a week. More so now that I've had the baby." She confesses, because she knows that showing some honest vulnerability was the best way to get Olivia to talk at all. "I'm just here as a friend, as someone who knows what it's like, you can talk or we can watch a movie. Hell, we can sit here in silence if that's what you choose to do." Amanda picks up her water again, "You're one of the strongest people I know. I know you don't need my help" She shrugged as if Olivia should just expect that answer from her.
Olivia scoffs then, she doesn't feel strong. She feels tired, and achy. She feels like she wants to claw her way out of her skin and be anyone else for a few moments. She feels like she wishes she would've gotten her prescription for painkillers filled instead of dropping by the precinct for that stupid badge. She winces as she shakes her head. Unbelieving in herself that she was in this situation again. "I really just wish I could sleep. And that I would've stopped by the pharmacy for wine and my painkillers." She says adjusting herself trying to get comfortable.
"Ah." Amanda said jumping up and putting her glass once again on the table. "Eve gave me a second copy of your scripts, she said you'd be stubborn about it so…" She trailed off as she grabbed a couple of bags from Olivia's kitchen counter. "One painkiller every 6-8 hours as needed, your sleeping pill, that's pretty self explanatory, and one bottle of wallgreen's finest red." She was practically giddy as she made her way back to the living space.
"You brought me wine?" Olivia asks, unable to hide the surprise in her voice.
Amanda shrugs before taking her seat back on the couch next to her friend. "I'm not your mother, and I think you deserve a glass to take the edge off. I'm here to keep you on a short leash." She joked with a chuckle.
A sudden warmth filled Olivia's chest at her friends admission. More than just her words, Amanda was proving that she wasn't here to treat Olivia like the victim. That was more than enough for tonight, that was more than enough forever. "Thanks Rollins," Olivia smiled. "Seriously, I appreciate this. I'm sure you miss Jesse."
Amanda smiled then, taking her seat back on the couch. "I do, but honestly it's kind of nice being able to feel like more than just Jesse's mom again." She said it quietly, as if shamed.
Olivia was picking at the wine bottle, as she regarded her friend. "You are way more than just just Jesse's mom. You're also a great detective and a good friend." For the first time in a while color was returning to the world, and Olivia meant every word she said. She'd take the color when it came, and enjoy it. And that would be good enough for now.