Black's Crazy Righteous Vengeance
In the wee hours of morning Sirius Black was giggling like a maniac.
No, he was chuckling like a madman. Yes, that sounded much better, more manly, thought the deranged Lord Black. Chuckling was a manly word.
He hadn't had this much fun in… well in a long time.
If only he could have gotten Remus on board. But noooo! The law-abiding stick-in-the-mud didn't want to accompany him, or be an accomplice on the Black Revenge Tour. What it really boiled down to was that the party-pooper didn't want to pay a visit to Lily's sister. Remus just didn't want to face the facts that he too had let Harry down.
It was a somewhat sobering thought.
Sirius didn't know if he was truly out of his mind or if Harry really had rescued him last year on a Hippogriff. In the long run it might matter. But not today, today was all about revenge. Fictional, physical, mental, whatever. He had targets and he had …goals… no that didn't sound right… he had… he had VENGEANCE to bestow! Yes! That sounded great. He could work with that.
RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE!
Naturally the first to feel his wrath was the gargoyle protecting the headmaster's office. A couple of spells saw it wrapped in toilet paper like a mummy. Then for good measure he'd pissed on it in dog form. Dumbledore would be smelling that! His point was made.
RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE!
Next on his revenge tour, and conveniently on his way out of the castle grounds, was Hagrid's. He'd layered Hagrid's hut and the pumpkin patch beside it in conjured toilet paper. You might ask why? Well the way he figured it: Hagrid had taken Harry from Godric's hollow on Dumbledore's orders. Everything would have been different if Sirius had insisted on taking custody of Harry then and there. But he didn't. And Hagrid and the Headmaster's gargoyle were getting toilet papered as a delayed result.
Magic repelling toilet paper enchanted with that devious spell Remus had discovered back in their 6th year. Any magic used against this toilet paper would multiply it. Now you might ask why this would matter to Hagrid, who couldn't do magic. Well Hagrid couldn't legally do magic. There was this umbrella he had been known to carry around… And even if he didn't use magic on the toilet paper, he'd still have to pick it all up by hand! It was the thought that counted. Sirius was getting revenge.
RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE!
Next stop on the Black Revenge Tour, the crazy convict would be visiting the Dursley's.
In the early morning light at Malfoy Manor Narcissa Malfoy methodically got dressed. She took the time to dress prim and proper as befitted her station. No matter what points she would be making to her wayward offspring, it wouldn't do to look less. Her son probably wouldn't even notice, but the rest of the Hogwarts Great Hall would see. They'd see her as a proper pure-blood lady… before she drug her blonde haired prince out for a good talking to.
Draco would be receiving her full, undivided attention soon. Her son might stand to gain Lordship of House Black on his majority, but he would soon realize that even Lord Black had no right to mess with her stipend! That was unacceptable. She was a Black by birth. She would be explaining that in great detail soon. Face to face. A letter simply would not convey her displeasure with her brainless offspring.
Her grandfather would roll over in his grave if he knew the actions of the next Lord Black…
With dew still on the ground and the sound of mad barking in the distance, the Renderer marched up the path to Hogwarts castle with a large sack thrown over his shoulder.
Ms. Granger had promised to meet him at the castle doors to escort him to his next rendering job. It would be the biggest job of his career. He wasn't sure how long the task would –
He paused on the path. Who would toilet paper the Hogwarts pumpkin patch?
After gazing at the spectacle of white strips for a minute, he shook his head and continued on towards the castle. Kids these days were crazy. He only hoped his little princess could hang on to her common sense when she started this nuthouse. This job would ensure that he could afford her Hogwarts tuition.
At the castle doors he was greeted by both Hermione Granger and Harry Potter.
"Sir, we are honored that you have accepted this job."
"Are you kidding me, the Chamber of Secrets! AND a basilisk! I'm honored to do it."
The teenagers led the middle aged Renderer to the second floor girls bathroom. Hissing in parseltongue, Harry opened the secret passage.
"This goes down to the chamber. It's a long and dirty ride. You brought your broom?" The Renderer nodded. "Good, you'll want to use it to get in and out. I'll lead you down. There is another door down there that also requires parseltongue to open. Then you'll be locked in until I come back down for you. You are okay with this?"
Again the Renderer nodded his acceptance. This had been one of the contract stipulations. And for the amount of gold he was going to likely make off the Basilisk – it was an acceptable stipulation. Basilisk parts were beyond rare. The Renderer had a wizard's tent and about 3 months worth of stocked up food. He hoped it didn't take that long, but he had warned his wife and daughter that it would take time.
Everything would depend on the size of the basilisk. All he had been told was that it was huge… Not exactly the best of measurements to make estimates with there. No matter what, he was prepared. And it was guaranteed to take longer than the dragon, even if Ms. Granger insisted on helping again. Basilisk skins are more magic resistant than dragon hide, and basilisk venom is extremely deadly. It tends to complicate things.
Precautions would have to be taken.
He wasn't a fool, no way would he be simply approaching the beast with a blade and cutting away. He was a professional. Just stabbing it with a blade was a good way to expose yourself to its blood and venom. He would rather not die.
The sound of the doorbell ringing drew Petunia Dursley from the stove, where she was preparing her precious Duddles a hefty breakfast. Perhaps the mailman had a package they had to sign for? Peeping out the side window, she didn't see the mailman…or anyone…but a faint discoloration to the air and a whiff of smoke forced her to open the front door.
The small brown paper bag on her doorstep was unexpected, and it was on fire. …It was ON FIRE!
Shrieking at the top of her lungs and stomping her slipper clad feet, Petunia managed to quickly put out the flames. Taking deep nervous breaths, she was trying to center herself when she noticed the brown substance now coating her house slippers.
S***!
Wild barking accompanied her scream.
Needless to say, the few neighbors that hadn't already had their attention drawn to the ruckus at #4 now had their attention firmly captured by the barking and cussing. They gazed through windows, and around hedges, they walked and drove down the street to look with wide eyes at the crazy woman dancing around her front door in brown coated slippers and the large black dog rolling on the ground nearby barking like mad.
This was not normal.
And was that toilet paper covering the house?
How did Vernon Dursley get on the roof?
Sirius Black considered it: RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE! Not only was he pissing off the Dursley's, but he was thumbing his nose at the Ministry at the same time! The magic detecting sensor placed near Harry's place of residence would be going off. And Harry was known to be at school. It was priceless. Marauder worthy.
RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE!
Stop #2 on the Black Revenge Tour was complete. Next stop: The Ministry!
Harry and Hermione had no sooner taken a seat at the Gryffindor table for breakfast than an Eagle owl dive bombed them and presented Harry with a letter. Not waiting for a reply the owl immediately took flight after making its delivery.
That was odd. Most of the owls would come into the Great Hall together with the morning post. It was extremely rare for one owl to arrive early like this. Earl had did it once, but the Weasley's were convinced that ancient bird had been a day late on the delivery…either way this was odd.
Drawing his wand, Harry poked and probed the letter in front of him, casting all the detection spells he knew upon it. Hermione also scanned it for unpleasant substances and charms. She had had bad experience with mail before.
The letter appeared clean.
Shrugging his shoulders, Harry opened the letter to see the familiar script of Mafalda Hopkirk.
Dear Mr. Potter,
We have received intelligence that a hover charm and toilet paper conjuring were done at your place of residence this morning at 23 and 25 minutes past 7. This magic was performed in a Muggle-inhabited area in the presence of a Muggle.
As you know, and have been warned previously, under age wizards are not permitted to perform spells outside school.
As this is your second and third offenses, a hearing has been scheduled for this upcoming Thursday morning at 9:30 a.m. Your presence is required in the Improper Use of Magic Office at that time.
Have a good day.
Sincerely,
Mafalda Hopkirk
"What the H–"
"Harry!"
"What?"
"Language Mr. Potter."
"Hermione," pleaded Harry, "I didn't do it! You know I didn't do it."
Hermione just laughed. "I know dear. My moneys on a certain black canine."
"Why that no good –"
"Harry!"
"Oh, alright. But me and that mutt are going to have a long conversation about responsibility when I see him next."
"Agreed," laughed the bushy haired Gryffindor witch.
Harry just groaned. He was going to neuter that dog. Conjuring toilet paper of all things at Privet Drive. Wonder how that went down… He hoped his relatives received their just rewards.
Now if only he could find his invisibility cloak… He suspected Mr. Padfoot.
Narcissa Malfoy entered the Hogwarts Great Hall with all the dignity and poise a woman of her station could muster. Her hair and dress was perfect. Her stride was confident. Her expression was carefully schooled in a haughty, but still somewhat respectable, manner. Honestly the girls in the hall present should be taking notes. Her son would be soon enough, just as soon as she got ahold of him…
There he was, at the end of the Slytherin table. "Draco, you presence is requested for a private conversation."
"Mum?"
"Now Draco!" She snapped, turning on her heel and heading to the small chamber adjoining the Great Hall. It was the same chamber the Triwizard Champions had gathered in after their names had been drawn.
As the Malfoy's exited the Great Hall, the morning post owls arrived in mass to make their deliveries. More students than ever before had a subscription to the Quibbler – they were not disappointed this morning with the latest Ministry plot to take over Gringotts or crumple-horned snorkack stories. No this morning the 'Confession of Sirius Black' made the rounds.
It was a story that would not be contained. Not even when Minister Fudge immediately took to the Wizards Wireless Network to protest the story claims and demand an apology from the Quibbler. If anything Fudges protesting sold more copies of the Quibbler story and helped get the word out.
Xeno had to start a second printing of the paper!
Senior Undersecretary Umbridge went so far as try to commandeer Aurors to go arrest Xeno Lovegood for publishing anti-Ministry Propaganda. Fortunately Amelia Bones had foreseen this possibility and had explicably forbidden all her Aurors from taking such actions.
Umbridge stomped out of the DMLE offices with all the grace of a toddler denied a doughnut or TV time.
Had Sirius seen that he would have said RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE! But Sirius did not see it. He wouldn't come across Senior Undersecretary Umbridge until later in the day
A few floors below the raging Undersecretary, the door at the end of the prisoner cell block of the DMLE opened. The door opened and closed without drawing anyone's attention, and nobody appeared to come through the door. The lone guard in the area was sitting at a desk reading. He did not have the most interesting or strenuous of jobs. He clocked in, sat around watching confined prisoners, and he clocked out. He lived off the check.
The invisible person who had just entered the DMLE cell block glanced around. A decade and a half ago he had came through this very cell block. It had been a very brief layover in a cell before he continued his journey to Azkaban. The only changes to the area he noticed were the people in the cells. Last time he had came through there had been a small number of Death Eaters in the cells, this time there were a small number of high ranking educators in the cells.
It was the educators that he had came to visit for they had earned RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE!
Albus Dumbledore could believe it. He was Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. He was a big deal! Of course the common DMLE guard would be in awe of him. Obviously his love of candy was well known to this noble sentinel who had be tasked with delivering the food to the prisoners. Why else would there be a piece of candy accompanying his tray of tasteless food?
It would make an excellent dessert, something to give a little flavor to this bland prison fare.
The next time he chaired a Wizengamot session he was going to bring up the deplorable food being provided to the prisoners detained in the DMLE holding cells. Why a dog would eat better than this.
After forcing down the terrible food (he had to keep his energy levels up), Albus Dumbledore inspected the mysterious candy. He didn't recognize it. Intrigued he popped it into his mouth without further ado. This was a decision he would regret for the rest of the day.
Albus Dumbledore began to puke in the DMLE holding cells.
The old man would continue to puke and puke until he had nothing left in his system to throw up. Dry heaves would wreck his body the rest of the day. The guard, in a brief flare of energy, made the effort to call in Ministry Healers, but they were completely baffled by the unknown ailment.
[The Weasley Twins hadn't managed to create an antidote yet to their Puking Pastilles. Plus they weren't even aware that some of their illicit merchandise had wandered away.]
RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE hit all 4 educators in the DMLE holding cells that day.
While Dumbledore was sick in the holding cells, Minister Fudge and Senior Undersecretary Umbridge were out in the Ministry Auditorium pandering to the press.
They were trying to spin the Black story in a Ministry favored light – trying to blame anyone else – but it was proving to be beyond their capabilities. Fudge had went on the record far too many times blaming Black. Black led the World Cup revolt, Black did this and Black did that. Anything that could be blamed on the escaped convict, who couldn't come forward to defend himself, had been done so. Now it was all hitting the fan with one little Quibbler article.
Questions upon questions were being served at the Ministry and his Undersecretary, and they couldn't dodge them all. Curse Bones for calling in sick today! Maybe they could blame her? No. Bones had very cleverly stated her case, or lack of, to the public yesterday after the shouting match with Harry Potter after the Second Task.
This was a publicity nightmare!
Luckily Dolores had just came across some juicy material on The-Boy-Who-Lived. Recklessly and shamelessly breaking the Statue of Secrecy. Ha! This couldn't have come at a better time. It was almost like it was planned! The Prophet had already been directed to go after the boy with everything they could. Hopefully that would draw some attention off the Quibbler Black story. The boy was foolish, and this foolishness might just save Fudges political career. Still, timing was everything. He'd have to wait to spring this on Thursday. It wouldn't help them now.
Aurors had to be called in to quell the riot that threatened to break out in the Ministry Auditorium.
While the Minister's star plummeted, his office door was mysteriously opened, just like the cell block door had been earlier. This went entirely unnoticed by the Minister's secretary who was stationed with her back to the door and was seriously considering her future career options. If Fudge was disgraced out of office, would it tar her? Could she ask for reassignment now without too severe of repercussions? Would it be worth it? Who could help her?
As the secretary pondered this, behind her an invisible person entered the Minister's office with a small mad chuckle and rubbing of his hands. The secretary didn't notice. Nor did she hear the whispered, "RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE!"
Lucius Malfoy tried to crawl into the bottle of Ogden's Finest and drown himself. His day had been awful! Yesterday had been bad, but today was worse!
All his attempts at communicating with his Lord had been denied. He feared Lord Slytherin might be very unhappy with him. That could not end well. Crucio was a favorite spell from his Lord for those who displeased him. Had he found out about the basilisk – diary disaster? Lucius shuddered at the thought.
Now Narcissa had furiously declared that all her access to the Black Family Vaults had been cut off. This would seriously put a cap on their income. And Draco denied all knowledge of this. He was going to have to have a little talk with is son. His wife demanded he fix the situation immediately. Apparently the boy was taking on airs with his mother – not to say that was necessarily a bad thing – the boy needed to grow a spine. But you didn't rile up a Black female without good cause and a great escape plan. Draco was a fool to deny Narcissa access to the Black Vaults.
Fudge was a bigger fool. The pin-striped chump had been ran off stage while the crowd threatened to riot. Fudge's attempt to tame the public opinion on Black article was nothing short of catastrophic. The man had just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole. Lucius was convinced there wasn't enough gold in Gringotts to buy the Minister out of the hole he currently found himself in. Lucius had consented to meet with Fudge and Umbridge in the Minister's office after their poor showing to the press.
That had been the worst of it!
Somehow in the meeting they had all managed to ingest veritaserum! In the tea, whiskey, or cakes, it didn't matter where it come from, they had all ingested some of it. There was no other possible explanation for the damning truths that had been uttered in that office.
The Minister's office was no place for truth! If an Auror had been present they would each have earned a one-way ticket to Azkaban!
The Minister had been horrified by the crimes admitted to by his advisors. Lucius really was a Death Eater! And Dolores, Lucius had been impressed by Dolores. Even he didn't known how ruthless the woman was. His Lord would want to recruit her, especially if she managed to get Potter expelled.
Luckily nobody else had been around to take advantage of their drugged condition. Lucius Malfoy, Minister Fudge, and Undersecretary Umbridge had all dodged AK's there. And they each knew the others now had enough blackmail material on them to sink them. They had each achieved M.A.D. {Mutually Assured Destruction}
Lucius had no way of knowing that there had been an invisible person in the Minister's office during the meeting. That person personally ensured they each got drugged. And that person had taken great delight in all the vile details being divulged. A memory vile of the meeting would soon be taken by Kreacher to his godson. It was carefully labeled: RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE! BOWLER HAT TOAD ALBINO M.A.D.
~~~~~~ CWALL5 ~~~~~~
[Author's Note: This is a chapter in the longer story I am attempting to slowly write.
I felt it could stand-alone.
If you see any typos, please let me know.
As always positive reviews and favorites make me happy.