Strong Foundations
Palo Alto Wednesday November 2nd 2005 1:23 AM
"We've got work to do" Sam said as he slammed the trunk closed.
Dean watched as Sam wiped his tears from his face and turned away from him. He felt an ache in his chest as he watched his little brother slide into the passenger seat of the impala. This wasn't supposed to happen, Sam was supposed to be the one unaffected by the loss of the women in his life. Dean took one last look at the smoke billowing behind him and growled in frustration at what Sam was leaving behind. He slid into the driver's side of the Impala and put the key in the ignition but made no move to start the car.
"Sammy…" Dean whispered.
Sam looked up at Dean with a face made of stone. He couldn't start talking about this. If he did, he would never be able to get himself back under control.
"There is a motel about 6 blocks from here. Oceanview Inn. We can stop there for the night." Sam stated robotically.
Dean nodded his head and started the car.
Neither brother spoke during the short car ride to the motel. When Dean went to get out of the car Sam grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the car. Sam reached into his wallet and handed Dean a credit card.
"Here use this."
Dean frowned and looked down at the card. It was a real credit card, that said Sam Winchester on it. He looked back up at his brother with curiosity. Sam just shrugged his shoulders.
"I live here Dean, people know me. Can't use a fake one."
That made sense so Dean just took the card and went to get the room.
Once in the motel room Dean began to unpack his bag, he put his back to Sam to give him some privacy but kept his ears open waiting for Sam to show some sign of distress. After about fifteen minutes of nothing Dean turned around. His brother was sitting on the other bed with his arms on his thighs, head bowed.
"Sammy, go take a shower."
Sam tilted his head, without moving his eyes from the spot on the carpet he was staring at.
"Huh?" Sam mumbled.
Dean sighed and bent down in front of Sam until he could see his hazel eyes.
"Go take a shower, you smell like smoke and you are covered in ash. You'll feel better."
Sam scoffed.
"Feel better, yeah right…."
Dean winced realizing what he said sounded stupid.
"I didn't mean… I mean I know you won't be better… I just mean…"
"It's fine Dean." Sam answered standing from the bed.
He went to grab his duffel bag from the bed, before remembering it wasn't there. He had left it inside his front door. The brothers were a little bit busy running for their lives at the time.
"Hey Dean, you got some clothes I can borrow?" Sam asked.
"Uhhhh yeah… I'll find you something. Go get in the shower I will leave them on the sink for you."
Sam nodded and went into the bathroom.
Dean let some of the tension fall from his shoulders and he let out a deep breath. This shouldn't be so hard. Dean had spent eighteen years with Sam and now it felt like everything was off kilter. He didn't know how to be there for Sam through this. Aside from that, it had brought back memories of fire and a woman with blonde hair he would rather forget.
Dean shook his head willing away the thoughts of his mother and searched through his bag. He found a pair of well worn sweat pants, definitely too short for Sam's legs, but they would fit his waist, and a black t-shirt that had always been a little long on him and quite honestly may have been his fathers at one point. He waited for the shower to start before placing them on the sink and making his way back over to his bed.
Sam came out a few minutes later, his hair dripping onto his shirt like he forgot to towel dry it.
"So what's the plan Dean?" Sam asked.
"Well… I don't know Sam. Guess we will go back to your apartment tomorrow? Work the case like we usually would. Hope that whatever did this left something behind."
"And then what?"
"Well…. I mean… I don't know Sammy. What do you want to do after that?"
Sam frowned and cracked his knuckles.
"When you go… Can I come with you?" Sam asked quietly.
Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times. He had not been expecting that question. Didn't Sam know that Dean would take him with him? Had their separation caused so much damage that Sam thought his brother would just leave?
"Sam… You don't ever have to ask me that. Of course, you can."
Sam shrugged.
"I just had to ask. You should go shower Dean."
"What are you gonna do?"
"Get some sleep."
By the time Dean got out of the shower Sam was under the covers in the dark. His eyes were closed, but Dean has spent enough time around the kid to know when he was faking it. He decided to leave him be. If Sam was shutting him out there wasn't much he could do about it.
Dean crawled under the covers of his own bed and stared at Sam's back. He had dreamt of this for so long, having his brother back by his side. But he never wanted this. Sam was not supposed to know this nightmare and carry these scars. Dean thought back to their earlier conversation, thinking about Sam asking to come with him. Dean was not the one who had left, he was the one that had always stayed and remained loyal to his family. He was not the one that had run off, of course he wouldn't just leave his brother to fend for himself. He thought back to the night Sam has left for Stanford, remembered his own silence as John screamed, and he wondered if Sam saw this all differently. Did Dean's silence make Sam feel abandoned? In Sam's world was Dean the one who had severed that relationship?
Lastly, and most importantly. Was there anything left of who they were before that could be salvaged? Could they even be brothers again?
Dean watched Sam for as long as he could before falling off into a fitful sleep.
Sam on the other hand, waited for Dean's breath to finally even out then he opened his eyes. When he was sure his brother was sleeping he took a long shuttering breath. As the first spark of light came over the horizon, bringing forth another day for the world, Sam Winchester cried for Jessica Moore.
November 2nd 2005 7:15 AM
Dean came to with a start and gripped the knife under his pillow before getting his bearings. Right… Stanford…Sam…He wasn't alone. He sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before looking around to find Sam. His brother was sitting at the rickety table drinking coffee and bouncing his knee up and down.
"Hey, Sammy."
Sam looked up and smiled softly at Dean before standing up and walking over to pass him another cup of coffee.
"Figured you could use this, your phone has been vibrating for like an hour."
"You could have checked it."
"Didn't want to invade your privacy."
Dean frowned, like they had ever cared about privacy before. He flipped open his phone and checked his missed calls. 12 missed calls. All from Caleb.
"Shit." Dean said. "It's Caleb, I gotta call him back."
Sam shifted uncomfortably.
"You think he knows what happened?"
"I'm not sure, he knew I was on my way to California."
"Of course he did." Sam muttered.
"What did you say?" Dean asked irritably.
"Nothing."
"Bullshit nothing. You got something you need to say?"
Sam eyed is brother and clenched his fists.
"Why did you come here asking for my help?" Sam asked.
"Did you hit your head? Dad? Missing? Ringing any bells?"
"Right Dad." Sam snarled. "I haven't seen the man in years, why the hell would you come to me to help find him? Caleb's obviously available. Shouldn't the knight in training have been helping you? What about the Brotherhood? Jim? Mac? Why weren't they helping?"
Dean stood from the bed and walked up to Sam.
"He is our father, this isn't their job." Dean shouted.
Sam laughed cruelly.
"They wouldn't help you is that it? You ran out of options, so you came running to me? Where is the precious Brotherhood you stayed behind for Dean? They sure as shit aren't here now!"
Dean pushed Sam harshly up against the wall.
"You don't know what the hell you are talking about!"
Sam made no move to defend himself. After a moment Dean seemed to come back to himself and he let go of Sam's shirt. He turned to grab his jacket off the chair and paused at the door.
"Look Sam, I know that you are grieving and that you are angry at the world, but don't you dare make this about them. They have never turned their backs on us. I could've called them, asked for help. I chose not to. I chose to come and ask you. You can think whatever you want about that, but you don't get to think for one second you were my last option."
He glanced back at Sam who was keeping his eyes firmly on the floor.
"I am going to call Caleb, then I will take you back to your apartment."
Dean closed the door and walked over the Impala. He took a few deep breaths before pulling out his phone and dialing Caleb's number.
"Jesus Deuce, did you forget how to answer a damn phone?" Caleb yelled.
"I'm sorry Damien, it's been a long night. What's up?"
"What's up? I am on my way to the airport about to catch the first flight to California that's what's up!"
"You don't need to do that. I'm fine."
"What about Sam… is he okay. I had a vision… you know fire."
Dean paced a couple of steps.
"Sam's alive… but uh… Jessica didn't make it."
"Sammy's girlfriend?" Caleb asked.
"Yeah uhhh… she died pinned to the ceiling right above their bed. I was able to get Sammy out."
Caleb swore on the other line.
"Damn it Deuce…It's back… isn't it?"
"Yeah I think so. Between Dad taking off and this, I think we're in trouble."
"Alright I'm coming to you okay? I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Damien… listen to me. I want you here I do. But I don't think that Sam is going to want that." Dean said slowly.
Caleb sighed on the other end.
"How's the Runt doing is he okay?"
"I don't really know. He is angry and right now he is lashing out at us and the Brotherhood. Honestly it's hard to get a read on him."
"Since when do you have a hard time getting a read on Sammy?" Caleb questioned.
"Apparently since now." Dean said.
In their four years apart both brothers had changed. While Sam was at Stanford becoming normal and mild mannered Dean had been hunting more and more on his own. Sam had learned how to take care of himself, and Dean had forgotten how to be a big brother.
"Alright listen, I am gonna turn around and head to the farm and see what I can dig up. You look for anything you can find around there."
"Sounds good Damien thanks."
"And Dean? Tell Sammy I'm sorry… I didn't want this for him…"
"Yeah… me neither."
Dean closed his phone and looked at the motel. He wanted to bad to fix this, and he didn't know how. Every fiber of his being felt like he was letting his little brother down.
November 2nd 2005, 9:26 AM.
The Impala rumbled up the streets of Palo Alto, and Dean watched as people went about their lives. A woman probably in her 30's was walking her dog, two younger women were in work out clothes and laughing as they made their way on a morning walk. A man in a suit and tie made his way out of the local coffee shop talking on a cellphone. Dean tried to picture Sam here and it wasn't really that hard. It was exactly the type of life Sam had always wanted. Dean hated that Sam fit in here, that he seemed uncomfortable in the car he had grown up in.
Dean cut the engine as they pulled up in front of Sam's building. In the morning light, the scene looked even worse. The outside of the building was scorched, and the wooden balcony that had once been outside of Sam's living room window was charred and dangerous looking.
"Sam, you don't have to go in there, I can search the apartment myself." Dean said.
Sam scoffed.
"You can't go through the crime scene yourself Dean."
"Sure I can, I've done it before. You don't need to see your home as a crime scene okay?"
Sam sighed and looked up at his brother.
"I know you are trying to protect me okay? And I appreciate it, but I am the only one who can go up there and tell you what if anything is out of place. Believe me, its not my home anymore, the things that made this place a home burned away last night."
Sam glanced away and began to climb out of the car, Dean followed because he had nothing further that he could say.
They made their way up the stairs with duffels packed full of anything either of them thought might help, but Dean knew what Sam couldn't accept yet. If this was anything like Lawrence whatever monster did this left no trace.
Sam pushed the door open and walked into his living room. He looked down at his bag that was still sitting just inside the door. It was untouched by the fire; it was as if the fire never made it out of the back bedroom and hallway. Sam swallowed and took a deep breath; he could feel emotions building up in him.
Dean cleared his throat.
"I'm gonna go have a look around, see if I can find anything. Yell if you need anything." Dean said softly.
He allowed himself to give Sam a hard squeeze on the shoulder before disappearing around the corner towards the kitchen.
Sam understood what Dean was doing, giving him space to feel his grief without embarrassing him. He also knew Dean would come back in a moment if he really needed him.
He wandered slowly through the living room, placing his hand on each window sill, each piece of still standing furniture, committing it to memory. He remembered each time Jessica and him spent a Friday night in when they were to broke to go out for the night. He remembered her laugh, her smile and the smell of her shampoo.
Then he made his way towards their bedroom and stared into the damage. There was still water dripping on the floor and he could see the sunlight peering through the holes in the roof. Everything in his path completely destroyed.
He heard Dean come up behind him quietly.
"You find anything?"
Sam shook his head.
"You know that there is nothing for us to find here. Just trying to figure out if this floor is safe for me to walk on."
Dean frowned.
"Why would you want to do that?"
Sam pointed to the door about 6 feet from the brothers.
"I need something from that closet."
"Anything that was in there is gone you know that."
"No, not this. Kept it in a fire proof safe, if anything survived it's in there."
"Is it important enough to risk falling through the floor for?"
"Yes."
Dean looked at the determination in his brother's face and nodded. He took off his jacket and held it out to him.
"Hold on to one side, if the ground gives, I will pull you back up."
Sam nodded and grabbed onto the soft leather. I took a few moments of careful stepping but he was able to make it to the closet. The safe itself was covered in soot but it was intact. Sam quickly entered his code and it popped open.
Dean watched as Sam pulled out a single wooden box, put it under his arm and made his way back across the burnt floor.
"That's it?" Dean asked.
"That's it. Let's get out of here."
"Are you sure? I mean we just got here."
Sam looked at his brother and smiled sadly.
"There is nothing left Dean. It's time to move on. We have lots we can look at in Palo Alto, see if there is anything else strange going on, but there are no answers here."
Sam walked back to the door and placed the wooden box in his duffle bag and picked it up. Just before he stepped out the door he took one last look around and took a set of keys out of his pocket placing them on the counter. Then he was gone.
Dean stood alone in Sam and Jessica's apartment. Everything from the chipped coffee cup in sink, to the ugly green lamp in the living room, to the destroyed bedroom made him feel sick.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
He was considering it a blanket apology. He was apologizing to his brother who had just lost everything that was important to him. He was apologizing to Jessica who had nothing to do with this fight. He was apologizing to his mother for letting this happen again.
He slipped his jacket back on and headed out the door of the apartment. He knew that him and Sam would never come back here. There was no point. He closed the door behind him, and went in search for his little brother. He didn't look back.
November 5th 2005 6:24 PM
They had buried an empty casket.
Dean had flashbacks to his mother's funeral, how they had done the same thing. The fires burned so hot there was nothing left. That was not closure for anyone, but that is how humans handled tragedy. He knew it wasn't closure for Sam.
The funeral had been held in a church not far from Stanford. Sam had been placed up front with Jessica's family, in turn so had Dean. Dean was grieving for his brother, but he couldn't connect with the people around him. They were grieving for someone they loved.
Dean made his way out of the church to allow his brother a moment with the family.
He reached into his pocket and dialed a number, pulling on his tie to loosen his tight collar.
"Dr. Mackland Ames." The voice answered.
"I am never gonna get used to you using your official title Mac." Dean chuckled.
"Dean, I'm glad to hear your voice. Are you boys okay?" Mac sighed in relief.
"We're uhhh… Sammy is holding it together pretty good I think."
"And you Dean? How are you?"
Dean frowned into the phone.
"Me? I'm fine, I didn't lose anyone."
"Well no but I am sure this has brought back some bad memories for you. I just want to know if you are okay."
Dean sighed.
"Listen Mac, yes okay? I have thought about my mom over the past couple of days. But I am not on my way to a mental breakdown. If I start going silent boy you will be the first person that will know okay?"
"I apologize Dean, I did not wish to upset you. I just worry about the two of you out there all alone."
Dean smirked. It was nice to know someone cared about them.
"We've got each other. We aren't alone."
"This is very true. Now Dean, is there something I can assist you with?"
"Yeah… ummm… I'm more calling in like a.. uhh… professional sense?"
"My legitimate profession as a doctor I'm assuming?"
"Well yeah…I just… I barely remember Dad after Mom died. What I do remember is not great. I just need to know…Sam has been quiet, barely shed a tear. Most emotion I have got out of him lately is anger. I just need to know if that's a bad sign?"
"Everyone grieves differently Dean, but from what I know of Winchester's anger is to be expected. Your father and yourself both buries yourselves in hunting when you lost someone. I do not believe it is unusual for Sam to be masking his pain with anger."
"I was four when my Mom died Mac, I hardly think I buried myself in hunting."
"I was more talking about when you lost your brother. Grief is not always about death Dean."
Dean was not willing to discuss the months after Sam left. That was going to be left in the past.
"So you are saying Sam is just being a Winchester?"
"Through and through. He is more like you then you realize. Believe me Athewm, when Sam is ready to show the world the pain he has under those tough scales you will be the first person he comes to."
Dean smirked at the mention of the dragons.
"Sam was never a Dragon remember? He was the Prince and we protected him."
Mackland sighed.
"Yeah well… unfortunately, every prince will eventually become a king and join the ranks eventually."
"Mac… I know I didn't want him to leave. But I swear that I never wanted this."
"Of course, you didn't son you never wanted to see any member of your family in pain, even at your own detriment. You do not need to explain that to me. However, if that is weighing on you, I believe that is a discussion you should have with your brother."
"Yeah maybe… you heard from my Dad?"
"I haven't, I'm sorry Dean. I do believe he is distancing himself from the Brotherhood for a reason."
Dean watched as people started to walk out of the church.
"Okay well, I gotta go Sam will be out any minute. Just if you do hear from him let me know?"
"Of course Dean. I hope we will be seeing soon."
"Bye Mac."
Dean snapped his phone closed and turned around to go look for his brother. He nearly ran straight into a man wearing a suit.
"I'm sorry." Dean stammered.
"No apologies necessary. You're Dean, correct?"
Dean looked up at the skinny slightly balding grey-haired man. Oh.
"Mr. Moore… Uh yeah, I'm Sam's brother. I'm sorry about your daughter."
Mr Moore smiled at Dean with tears in his eyes.
"From the way Sam tells the story, you don't need to be sorry."
"Pardon me?"
Mr. Moore took one step forward and held his hand out to Dean.
"I just wanted to shake the hand of the young man who tried to save my daughter."
Dean frowned but took the man's hand.
"I'm sorry I couldn't do more."
"Hey Dean? You tried. That's all a father can ask for. Just do me a favor? Look after Sam? He is going to need family and I have a feeling we won't be hearing much from him after this."
Dean took his hand back and licked his lips.
"Listen Mr. Moore, Sam loved Jessica. He really did. I just don't think that he can stay here."
"I don't expect him too, honestly? I think he may belong with you. Fare well."
Mr. Moore made his way towards his wife and watched as Sam reached his brother. They had a small conversation before walking over to their car. As they drove away, he knew he would never see Sam Winchester again, but for some reason he was certain that he would be okay.
November 5th 2005 8:47 PM
Dean went straight to the shower when they got back to the motel. He was surprised to find Sam out of his suit and dressed in jeans and a hoodie. Sam looked up and met his brother's eyes.
"I'm going out for a bit." Sam said.
"Okay… do you need the car?" Dean asked.
Sam shifted awkwardly for a moment.
"I was actually wondering… would you come with me?"
Dean looked at Sam, wondering why he seemed so uncomfortable asking him for anything.
"Sure, lets go."
Dean drove listening to Sam give directions. First they stopped at an all night liquor store. Dean was pretty sure Sam bought out about half of the places inventory but he said nothing. Then Sam directed them up a long winding road that took them to a cliff overlooking to city.
Dean grinned to himself, he understood what Sam was trying to do. Just two brothers spending time under the stars. Just like old times.
The two young men got out of the car and Sam dragged out the green cooler that had been around longer the either of them could remember. He handed his brother a beer, and took out a bottle of whiskey that he took a drag straight from the bottle.
Dean was surprised that Sam drank hard liquor. Just another thing to add to his "Things to learn about New Sammy" list.
Sam looked over at his brother and smiled bashfully.
"Tonight I am gonna get drunk. You cool with that?" Sam asked.
Dean shrugged.
"You had to take that stick outta your ass eventually." Dean replied.
Sam shoved his brother playfully and started to laugh.
The Winchester's sat in companionable silence for awhile. Dean waited until Sam was one sheet to the wind before speaking.
"Hey Sammy, why'd did you lie to Jessica's Dad?"
"Whatcha mean?"
"You told him I tried my hardest to save her, we both know that wasn't true…"
"Dean…she was gone. We both knew that. The minute I got out to the side walk I knew we couldn't save her. If there was even a snowballs chance? I know you would have tried to get her out. I figured I would give them that peace, because I knew that my brother would have done anything to protect me from that."
Dean thought on that for a moment. It was true, if he thought for a second that he could have saved an innocent, he would have ran straight back into that burning house. If he thought he could protect his brother from that pain he would have given anything.
"I'm sorry you lost everything in the fire." Dean whispered.
Sam turned and looked at his brother, his protector, the one person he knew he could always count on.
"Dean… I didn't lose everything."
"What do you mean? You are stuck here with me and you have lost everything you have built."
Sam sighed and slid off the hood of the Impala, making his way to the trunk. He pulled a wooden box out of the bottom of his duffel and walked back to his brother.
"Here."
"What's this?"
Sam smiled.
"Just look."
Dean looked down at the wooden box and opened the metal clasp pushing it open. He looked at the contents inside.
The contents were meager, but so important. There were a couple of baseball cards and a baseball from a trip to a game with Caleb when they were kids. A few pictures of the brothers as they grew up, and even a few of their father and the other members of the Brotherhood. A black and white photo of the farm in Kentucky where they group up. Some hand drawn pictures of dragons. And a small black velvet bag. When Dean opened it a recognizable silver band fell back into his hand. It matched the one that he had worn for years on his right hand.
Dean looked up at Sam in surprise.
Sam shrugged and looked down at the lights of the city.
"I lost Jessica, I am going to miss her for the rest of my life. And yes everything I have built over the last 4 years is gone. But I have not lost my foundations. That I kept safe."
"So after everything, you saved all of this?"
"Listen Dean, I don't want this for the rest of my life, that is still true. But you? The Brotherhood? You are my family, my solid foundation."
Dean placed the ring back in the bag and closed the box. He suddenly realized that this was it. Sam was telling him in his own way that it was time to move on.
"So Sammy, where do we go from here?"
"Well, tomorrow I think I am probably going to throw up all day, the next day we will head to Black Water Ridge and look for Dad. Right now… I need to burn these."
Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out a pile of plastic. His Driver's license, credit cards, his student ID's. It was time to move on.
"You sure about that Sammy? No going back after that."
Sam shrugged.
"Even when I am ready to go back to school, it won't be here. Fresh start."
Dean watched as Sam stumbled off towards a fire pit about 20 feet from where they were sitting and he stood up. He had to go make sure Sam didn't fall in the fire. He would keep him steady. After all, everyone needed a solid foundation.