A/N: Welcome to the ranch of madness. My name is Farmer Pig and here's my first weird one shot/maybe story.
"SILENCE!"
A hush descended on the great hall; sobs reduced to sniffles and students huddled closer together. Even the ever-lit candles seemed to dim.
Dumbledore paused.
"A great evil stalks the halls of this castle. A presence not seen this side of the veil for a thousand years."
He surveyed the room, eyes like a roaring furnace.
"Hope is not lost!"
"Where's Harry?"
"My dear?" Dumbledore turned to McGonagall.
"Where is Harry Potter?" she whispered, her watery eyes fixed on the great oak doors that separated the flock of wizards from the terror beyond.
Dumbledore seemed to stutter for a moment, like dying engine. The ever-present spark in Dumbledore's eye flickered, then died. He bowed his head.
"It is over."
BANG
Shrieks ebbed and echoed in a piercing, mournful crescendo.
"Not Harry! Anyone but Harry!" some random Hufflepuff choked out between heaving sobs.
BANG
The doors shook again, and each member of the room leant back like blades of grass bending before the undeniable power of the storm.
BANG
And the doors flew open.
CRASH
Thunder sounded and lightning flashed, revealing the silhouette of a tall, handsome man whose expensive cloak was soaked in virgin blood.
"Wait, how do they know I'm handsome if they see only my silhouette?"
"Fuck." Said Sirius, grabbing the parchment from Harry. He scribbled, hunched over Harry's desk for a moment, then handed the parchment back eagerly.
"Why am I indulging this madness. I can't believe you made a script for that mess you call a favour."
"Here Harry, what do you think now?"
Harry looked up from his potions homework and sighed.
"You got super lazy towards the end there Sirius, the beginning was pretty good but I dunno, you sort of lost it after 'some random Hufflepuff'."
"Ugh whatever, do you see what I was going for now?" Sirius huffed.
"You faked an invasion of the school by a clown and expected everyone to hide. Then you drenched me in paint and shoved me into the great hall while you made some stupid sounds with your wand. I got detention for 3 weeks and barely managed to keep you from being found."
"You're insane," said Harry, "clinically insane. I don't know how you've not been arrested yet."
"Aristocracy, bitch." Sirius said with a triumphant smirk. "I'm above the law. Anyway, clowns are terrifying."
"Above the law you say. Right. Apart from when they arrested you without trial for 12 years and dumped you in a dementor infested shit-hole next to your equally insane and equally aristocratic bitch of a cousin."
"Look punk, I'm the finger-licking sexy father you never had so you better start showing me some respect before I start disciplining you."
"No Sirius, you're the unstable, creepily obsessed godfather I'm reluctantly humouring because he happens to come from the fucking future. And besides, you couldn't discipline a flobber worm if it bent over and called you daddy."
"So, you admit it, I'm funny." Sirius leant back with a grin.
"What, no!"
"You said I'm humorous."
Harry took a deep breath and counted to three. "Get out of my room."
Sirius pouted, "Aww come on Harry, where am I supposed to sleep?"
"I don't know Sirius, maybe you should sleep IN THE FUCKING MANSION THAT YOU OWN."
Sirius narrowed his eyes.
"It's technically a Château."
"Out."
"Please Harry." Sirius kneeled on the floor.
"You are an embarrassment to yourself and to the aristocracy."
"I don't care about the aristocracy Harry, they always made me sing We Witch You a Merry Christmas at the Yule ball when I was young. And not even the good version."
"You're a joke."
"Please don't make me sleep outside, I don't know where the clown went."
"He was obliviated and sent back to his family Sirius. Where did you even get him - no, I don't care." Harry took a steadying breath.
"Sirius. I know you're trying to help. I know that you think you are helping me by planning these 'reputation boosters' as you call them but please, no more. I can handle myself. The world already thinks I'm crazy enough as it is."
"Are you mad at me?" Sirius asked meekly, hugging a chudley cannons cushion to his chest.
Harry sighed, "No Sirius, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."
"Aww Harry no! That's so much worse, it makes me feel like I peed myself in my heart."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Sirius' eyes went glassy and he spoke softly "You know, when the war was really getting going and we went after Voldemort's second Horcrux at Gringotts, you asked me that exact question when I Polyjuiced myself as Cho Chang."
Harry's expression hardened and he nodded to Neville who sat at his own desk, transcribing Sirius's mutterings into a half-full journal.
Ron peeked through the exit of the dorms and gave a thumbs-up.
Harry absent-mindedly rubbed the cracked stone set in the ancient ring that adorned his right hand.
"Go on Sirius, what did we do next."
A/N: Thanks for reading. Might continue the story or leave it depending on the reaction. Loved the idea of an insane time-traveling Sirius half helping and half hindering Harry.