Do you love me enough to spend your life with me?
A/N - This is an AU that I have had in my head for a while. There are a lot of older FF that address this, but not quite in the way I have in mind here. Hope you enjoy!
A-A-A-A-A
Matthew was waiting under the tree for her, by what she considered their bench. She had considered it their bench since he had happened upon her while "looking for her father" a few days before they had kissed for the first time and he had proposed to her.
He had proposed to her, she had never been so shocked in her life. Till that day they had been dancing around each other for a year in a half. Mary admitted in her mind that she had done most of the dancing. She had seen that Matthew was interested in her, as he should have been, but he had been quiet about it and had never pushed her. He had seen how she was not interested, or if she was honest with herself, she had not allowed herself to show that she was interested in him.
And that night she had revealed to him that she did return his interest and they had been so drawn together; they had kissed. Not a chaste kiss as she thought it might be, if she had thought about it. No, it was not chaste, he had leaned in and she had met him all the way. Their tongues had danced, they had held each other. They had been breathless when it was over. And then he had just stared at her and looked into her eyes and in the gentlest way possible had said, "Marry Me." Mary's breath had caught, and she found she could not answer him and just continued to stare into those magnificent blue eyes.
Matthew had been holding her hands when he had asked her, and then he suddenly dropped them, realizing that perhaps he had been carried by the moment and had spoken out of turn. Mary took his hand back, not allowing him to believe he had been completely wrong. She had been on the cusp of just saying yes, Matthew had looked so earnest. Instead she had given him a cheeky answer, "After one kiss?" she had said. Matthew had smiled and leaned in and had kissed her again, not as intense as the first, but delightful all the same. Then he had said, "Now its two kisses, will you?" But he saw her hesitation, of course he did not know the reason for her hesitation, she could never tell him, could she? And then he gave her an out, took the pressure off her and the moment. "Perhaps I have rushed you, I realize things have only suddenly changed, perhaps you need time to think about it or you just want to say no."
Mary had smiled and held his hand and said how much she appreciated the time to think about it, given the sudden change in their relationship. She had tried to reassure him to give him hope. So, she had leaned in and kissed him once more and he had really embraced her, and they had shared a warm hopeful moment before he had excused himself and left.
That had been two months ago. In the interim she had somehow avoided giving him an answer but had kept him interested with hope. Matthew had gone all out and courted her properly, saying that if she was considering his offer, then she should really see what a possible life together would be like. He had never told her that he loved her, well not until that night in London. But she had seen it in his eyes, on every walk, every tea, every dinner. And then in London during the season at every dance. She had felt it in the way he adjusted his fingers on her back when they danced, the way he brushed her hand ever so slightly when they stood close. And in the way he spoke softly into her ear while they danced or whenever they had a quiet moment.
Mary knew that Matthew was being very patient with her, and oh, she was so enjoying the romance of it all. Matthew Crawley loved her, he excited her, he challenged her like no one had ever before. And she loved to spar with him, their mutual intelligence and wit was such a wonderful part of their relationship. Mary never could have thought that she would have found a middle-class lawyer as her equal, but he was more than her equal, he was perfect in every way. In truth she could not wait to be his wife. She had so wanted to say yes. But she had the shadow of Pamuk hanging over her head. She tried to conjure how to tell him, to get his forgiveness so they could be together, and he would accept her as she was. Oh, but she was so afraid that would never happen. Could he really accept that she was not virtuous? He was a prig and self- righteous (even if he wanted to be her prig). Mary was not sure. Mama had told her not to tell, Granny had said that everyone walked down with half the story hidden. But that was not how they were together, she had to find a way to tell him.
On the night of Sybil's ball, they had gone out on the terrace to get a few moments of peace. Matthew had embraced her, and they had kissed, in a way they never had in all this time, it was thorough, and totally breathless and if had left Mary overwhelmed in a way she had never imagined. She could feel the strength of his love all over her body, from her head to her fingertips. And she knew he could feel her love as well. And then he had looked into her eyes and said it so simply. "Mary Crawley, I love you. You have to know that if you accept me, our marriage will not be an arrangement but one of true and pure love."
Mary had held her breath, afraid to breathe, afraid that the tears would come streaming down her eyes. She had known that Matthew had expected an answer from her tonight. He had been wooing her, courting her and he had been patient, more patient than any man she knew. His declaration of love was his final plea, the closing statement of his case, that she should say yes, then and there, that night, that moment.
In a way she had been expecting this, but given she had not told him her truth, and she certainly did not want to do it here at Sybil's ball and ruin the evening, should he go running. So, she placated him in the only way she knew. She touched his cheek, and said, "yes I know it would be. You must know that I feel that way about you too. I don't want to steal away from Sybil's night. She should be the focus not us." Matthew had hung his head, but then Mary had pulled his eyes back to her saying, "I know you are returning to Downton tomorrow and I am staying for a few more weeks here. You have been patient with me, but you have convinced me. I will give you a proper answer to your proposal when I return to Downton. That very day, and I think you will be very happy with that answer. I will send word to you and we will meet under the cedar tree and you will get your answer. I promise."
At that Matthew had embraced her for a celebratory hug and a quick kiss. She had all but said yes and he was certain in their future. Mary was certain she wanted him, but not that he would want her after he heard her tale. Well she had a few weeks to figure out how to tell him and then she would accept if he would still have her.
Now as Mary walked the path to meet Matthew, her mind was a buzz with all that happened in those two weeks since Sybil's ball. Her mother was pregnant, a possible son would replace Matthew as heir. What were the chances Matthew would accept her now, if he knew of Pamuk and he did not need her as countess of Grantham to help guide him into the future? Aunt Rosemond and Granny and Mama had all filed her head with different views of whether Mary should accept Matthew if his inheritance was in doubt. And in truth, if she was honest with herself, she was nervous about what her life would be as the wife of a middle-class solicitor. Rosemond had said she should delay, that would buy her more time. Matthew had been so patient until now, surely, he would understand and continue to do so. They could continue courting and enjoying each other's company. There was no reason to rush an engagement and a marriage. While she waited for the birth of her sibling, she could figure out how to tell him about Pamuk. She would be able to tell if he truly was interested in her, and they could discuss what their life might be like and she could get comfortable with it. In her heart Mary knew she would accept Matthew, no matter what the outcome of her mother's pregnancy. She just needed time to work all the rest of it out.
There he was standing under the tree, handsome as ever. Boy was he a sight for sore eyes. Mary almost ran to him but slowed her steps on purpose. She greeted him with a magical smile and moved to embrace him. But Matthew felt a bit stiff in his return of her embrace and instead of kissing her, he dropped his arms and looked at her pensively.
"Matthew, whatever is the matter? I missed you so much, but you seem less than enthusiastic to see me. Is everything all right?"
"You tell me. I have not heard a word from you since we parted in London and especially since news of your mother's pregnancy. All my letters have gone unanswered."
Mary winced; she had not known what to say so she had not answered him. She should have seen that would have made him feel insecure.
"Matthew I'm sorry, I was very busy, and I figured we would be being seeing each other soon. And frankly I'm rather shocked by the whole situation. Sybil is already 18, its highly unusual."
"Are you sure that is the only reason? Do you have the answer you promised me?"
Now Mary hedged, "Matthew, I know I told you I would answer you today, but I'm afraid I don't have an answer today after all." She knew it was horrible, but what else could she say. And now Matthew looked so terribly angry at her.
Let me get this clear! At Sybil's ball you said you'd give me your answer the day you got back and now you say you will not!
Why do we have to rush into it? I need to be sure, that's all.
But you were sure. Shall I tell you what I think has altered you? My prospects! Because nothing else has changed!
No
Yes! If your mother's child is a boy, then he's the heir and I go back to living on my wits, and you'd rather not follow me there!
Oh, Matthew, you always make everything so black and white.
I think this is black and white. Do you love me enough to spend your life with me? If you don't' say no. If you do, then say yes.
I want to…Granny told me I should say yes now, and then withdraw if you lost everything.
To make that work, you have to be a good liar. Are you a good liar?
Well, not good enough to try it, apparently.
Matthew was exasperated he had waited two long months, courted her and he had been sure they were to be married. She had practically said so, she certainly had acted like they were to be married. Yet now as soon as it appeared that he would not be the heir she would not commit to him. He was beginning to realize this dream really was over. It was time to move on with his life.
He started walking away from Mary shaking his head. Mary knew she had to act. But what should she do, she had not lied to him, but she had not really told him the truth and now he thought that she did not love him enough to marry him under the circumstances?
"Matthew please wait"
"For what reason? Mary, what more is there to say? I'm glad you were not willing to lie to me, but this situation is untenable."
"So, you won't wait for me after all?"
"How long do you want me to wait? Till your brother is born in four or five months and then what?"
Mary breathed heavily as she caught up to Matthew and took his hand. He did not flinch this time, "I think then we can both make an informed decision. My feelings for you have not changed, I meant what I said at Sybil's ball. But maybe things have changed for you. Maybe without me being your countess, you would not want me as your life's partner. I wonder if you truly have given it any thought."
Matthew looked at her incredulously, "How could you even think that? That was never even in my mind. When I proposed to you, it was because I wanted you, regardless of title or what our life would be like."
Mary smiled, "But have you thought about it, because I have done nothing but think about it since I heard Mama's news. I'm not afraid of following you while you live on your wits as you so aptly put it, I'm just not sure what my life would look like. As the Countess of Grantham, I could influence the county for good, I would have a powerful position. I told you a long time ago, I have been in a waiting room waiting for my life to begin. What would my life as the wife of a solicitor be like?"
Now understanding started to dawn on Matthew, it wasn't him she did not want to be with, she was truly nervous and fearful about what her role in life would be, "Darling you could be whatever you wanted to be. There is great freedom in living on your wits. You could learn the law and work right beside me – we would make an incredible team. You could stay home and manage our home and children if you wanted. We could move to London and I could run for political office – what was it I told you I always dreamed of being Lord Chancellor one day, and with your father behind me, I think it would be possible. Then you would have that influence as my wife if that is what you wanted. I never thought before how this would personally affect you. I just thought that without the title I wasn't good enough for you."
"I could see how angry you are. I don't want to break are unspoken agreement. I just think maybe we both need more time to think it through before we make it official. If we announce our engagement after my brother in born, that is if it is a boy after all, then you will know with certainty that I choose you, even though you are not the heir.
Matthew understood what she was implying, but he continued, "But if you have a sister and then you accept me, won't I always think that you are only accepting me because I am the heir again."
Mary blew out an exasperated sigh, "I guess that is a way on looking at it. But what if I tell you today that I want to be your wife no matter, but we don't make it official. And you also have to be certain that you want to be my husband."
"Mary, I have never been more certain of anything."
Mary took a collective breath, she had to be completely honest with him, he needed to know what he thought he was certain of. "Matthew don't say that so fast. There are things you don't know about me, which when I reveal them to you may change your mind."
"Mary whatever do you mean?"
"There is something that I have been keeping from you. Something that if we are to marry, I must tell you."
"Darling your scaring me"
"I don't think you need to be scared, but you do need to sit down. This will not be pleasant for me to have to say. It really is the main reason that I did not give you an answer right away, even though I so wanted to."
"I thought you needed convincing"
"No, I never needed convincing. But you may need convincing after what I have to tell you."
Matthew looked at her concerned but sat on the bench and pulled Mary to sit next to him, to give her his full attention.
TBC
A/N – I had planned this as a one shot, but it got very long, and I will have to make it at least two chapters.
In the script notes for season 1, Julian Fellowes comments on the scene by the tree that Matthew was wounded by Mary's retreat, that he judges her morally for not following him on his wits, but that Mary sees that if she would have said yes and then withdraw that would be morally incorrect. So, in this scene I tried to show both angles. Julian further comments that he never disliked Mary for being troubled and thinking about backing away because in her society she had agreed to one situation and now it was very different. He thought it would have been more reasonable for Matthew to suggest adjourning the discussion of the marriage until the child was born. If he'd done that, she probably would have married him anyway. In canon, Matthew had too much pride to do that and perhaps did see everything black and white. Mary made a big mistake, but Matthew really did not see her point of view at all. And that of course is without the Pamuk secret. In this AU Matthew and Mary do not make those same mistakes.
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