A/N: I posted this quite a while back on AO3, but realized I haven't uploaded it here, yet. The cover art is done by MhaighdeanBhanUasal, and was done as fanart for this particular one-shot.
It had been almost six months since Elsa last told Anna she loved her. Their parents had passed away just last year, and the sisters moved into an apartment together. Elsa had wanted to help Anna while she continued her college courses.
Elsa had graduated just before their parents' deaths, and Anna has about two years left. She didn't want to live in the dorms anymore but couldn't afford her own place on her barista salary.
Anna and Elsa had been drunk the last time she told Anna she loved her. The words had seemed heavier than normal, and there had been a different emotion behind Elsa's glassy eyes. They had been crying, reminiscing about their parents.
The entire time, it seemed as though Elsa wanted to tell Anna something, but just couldn't seem to find the words. Instead, they had curled up together, with Elsa holding Anna tightly in her arms, muttering the phrase over and over.
Now, anytime Anna says the phrase, she is always met with the same response.
There's a soft knock on Anna's door that normally wouldn't be enough to wake her. But the redhead has already been awake for a while. She lifts the covers from her head to peer at the door.
"Yeah?" She calls out.
"Hey. You should get up. I've got to head to work now but there are some bacon and eggs ready for you. There's also a fresh pot of coffee," Elsa's silvery voice leaks through the door.
"Okay. Thanks, Els. Have a good day at work. I love you," Anna replies. There's a moment of silence, as though Elsa is hesitating.
"You, too." As footsteps recede down the hall, Anna's heart clenches and she buries her face within her blankets once more.
Elsa's knuckles are white as she death grips the steering wheel while maneuvering through traffic. Her jaw is clenched tight as tears threaten to spill from her eyes.
You're such a fucking coward. How long do you think you can keep this bullshit going? Anna's going to end up despising you. Maybe she already does. Is that really what you want?
The tears are flowing freely now, as Elsa gnaws her lower lip.
Anna has bad days. Days where she can't get out of bed, let alone socialize. So, even though Elsa has withdrawn, she still drags Anna from her bed and brings her along on outings.
Today, they were attending a yoga class together. Elsa had convinced Anna it would be good for her.
The younger sister has to admit, as she stands on the mat, bent over with fingers on her toes, that it is relaxing. Even if she hasn't done a pose such as this in years and she knows she will be sore tomorrow.
She catches Elsa's eye as she leans to her left, arm high above her head. She is surprised to realize Elsa is blushing furiously and quickly averts her gaze. This only brings confusion to Anna.
An hour later, they're rolling up their mats and getting ready to leave, when the instructor approaches Elsa. Anna knows that Elsa has been taking this class for a while now.
"Hey, Elsa. Just thought I'd come to see how you're doing. Especially since this is the first time you've brought your sister!" The chirpy brunette says, nodding her head in Anna's direction, who's currently standing near the door. Anna watches Elsa glance her way, before returning her blue eyes to the woman before her.
"Yeah. Figured some stretching would do her good," Elsa replies, shifting the rolled-up mat beneath her arm. The woman grins.
"Well, you ladies just let me know if there's anything I can help with. Us yoga teachers will bend over backward for our students!" The woman jokes and Elsa laughs, though Anna notices the smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. The redhead watches as Elsa places a pale hand on the woman's shoulder, and jealousy boils within Anna.
"Oh, Karen. I love you and your jokes," Elsa says, flashing the woman a grin. She doesn't notice the way Anna winces, but she does hear the chime and turns in time to see Anna ducking around the corner of the building.
Elsa gently blows on her cup of coffee as she stares blankly out the window at the morning sun. She watches the trees sway with a gentle breeze as she battles with herself internally.
She knows Anna is suffering because of her decision. Guilt drips from Elsa's every pore; caused by how she suddenly withdrew from Anna mixed with the guilt of being in love with her own sister.
The platinum blonde sighs, sipping the hot liquid. She's going to bring Anna to lunch today because she knows her sister needs it. She knows Anna needs her, and though Elsa can't bring herself to provide that in the way Anna wants, she will still be there for Anna in other ways.
They're sitting at the food court of the mall. Anna sits on the edge of the table with Elsa's best friend, Rapunzel, across from her. Elsa is next to the straw-blonde, with their other friend Merida to the right of Anna.
Anna isn't currently involved in the conversation as she languidly pushes a plastic fork through the limp lettuce that somehow constitutes a salad. She's barely touched her food, and Rapunzel notices this. She raises a brow, folding her slim hands beneath her chin.
"Yeah. I'm not sure why you chose the salad. Irma's isn't known for that platter," she comments, flashing a gleaming smile at Anna who glances up from her tray. The redhead shrugs, setting the fork down and leaning her head on her palm.
"I wasn't hungry, to begin with, so I settled for something cheap," she responds. Elsa glances over, raising a brow.
"You could've gotten something to bring home with us," Elsa tells her, cocking her head. Anna realizes this is the first time in a while where Elsa's entire attention is focused on Anna. Elsa's blue irises, for a moment, held unbridled emotion within them. It's as if Elsa's wall crumbles. It brings butterflies to Anna's stomach, and her palms begin to sweat. God, am I that desperate for her affection?
The moment is over far too soon as Merida launches a story about her hike from the previous week. Anna slouches in her chair, disappointment, and confusion flowing through her.
Finally, the grueling activity ends and they all clear their trays at the trash cans. They're saying goodbye now, and Anna watches with envy as Elsa hugs each of her friends.
"Bye, you two. Get home safe. Love you guys," she tells them and Anna can't stop the flinch from hearing those words that she desperately wanted, said to someone else.
Hey, Elsa. I've had a long day and kind of just wanna' drink my sorrows away. Classes were rough and my boss has been a dick. Kristoff's working a shift at the Post tonight so I'll be there after work. Just thought I'd let you know in case you cared...or wanted to join.
Elsa stares at the text on her phone until the words begin to blur together. She sets the device down for a moment with a hefty sigh. She glanced at the clock on her desk: 8:30 pm .
Anna's shift ended at 9, and The Post was only a block down. Elsa seriously considers the curt invitation for a moment. The memory of her last drunk session with Anna surfaces and the blonde winces, shaking her head. She fiddles with the end of her braid as she retrieves her phone once more.
After a few more thoughtful moments, she begins to type out a response.
I'm still stuck at work for a few more hours. I'd rather you not go out by yourself, though. There's a huge storm front coming in.
A minute passes by and her phone vibrates with another message.
Good thing I wasn't asking your permission. See you at home. Or maybe I won't. Who knows?
As if in afterthought, another text follows: love you.
Elsa flinches at the harsh response. Though, it's to be expected, is it not? Distance begets irritation. She chews her lip before sending another text.
Just be safe. Call me when you need a ride home.
Elsa's thumbs hover a moment more over the predictive text line that appears: I love you. But she just types You, too. Her thumb moves to the send button, quickly tapping it and sliding the phone across the desk. The pale woman buries herself in her work.
Anna stands outside the bar as she contemplates turning around and just going home. She had come straight after work, so she still wears her black, coffee-stained leggings and a white button-up blouse. The wind is picking up, causing her red hair to flow around her.
Today had indeed been awful, but it is only part of the reason Anna wants to drown out her sorrows. She hasn't been able to get the day of the mall out of her mind. It had been a week now, and the way Elsa had stared at her is still burned into Anna's mind.
Pulling her jacket tight around her torso, she pushes open the heavy door and steps into the music-filled bar just as tiny drops of rain begin to fall.
The bar is abuzz with activity as Anna filters in and out of the crowded space. She finally arrives at the bar and snags the last open stool. The burly blonde behind the bar spots her as he hands off three bottles to a group of men, then strolls toward her.
"Hey, Red. Bad night?" Kristoff yells, concern creasing his face. Anna just nods, gathering her hair together and tying it in a quick ponytail.
"I'd like a rum and coke, please, Kristoff. Double." Kristoff grunts in response, eyeing her warily before wiping his hands on the towel that's hanging on his shoulder. He begins to prepare the drink for his friend.
"Elsa didn't want to come?" He questions, sliding the glass down the bar. Anna catches it and takes a big swig. Kristoff's eyes widen but he doesn't say anything as she sets the glass back down. She scoffs, her gaze on the glass.
"She's still working, of course. When I'd like to do something for once, she's always conveniently busy," Anna mumbles, as Kristoff props his elbows down on the counter, leaning forward so he could properly hear his friend. He scratches the blonde scruff at his neck, glancing over at a table behind the redhead at the loud guffaw that sounds from it.
"At least she's trying in her own way," he replies, returning his brown eyes to Anna. She chews her lip, taking another swallow of the drink.
"Yeah, well, it'd be loads better if she wasn't the distant ass she's been," Anna grumbles, her free hand tapping against the glossy surface of the counter.
"Losing parents isn't easy, Anna. She's grieving in her own way, as you are. Give her time," he says gently, wrapping a large hand around Anna's for a brief moment.
"Yeah, I have days where I can't leave the house, and that's my shitty coping mechanism. Elsa's is she won't show me any affection other than forcing me to be engaged in activities I don't want to do," Anna spits out through clenched teeth. She tips the glass back, swallowing the last of her drink. She wiggles the empty container.
Kristoff pauses, before rolling his eyes and snagging the glass. He walks off to retrieve another drink for Anna. Handing it to her, he rounds the corner of the bar to go take care of the crowds. A couple of hours pass and Kristoff is busy most of the time, leaving Anna alone with her thoughts.
Her phone vibrates next to her but she places it behind the bar, not wanting to talk to anyone.
The image of Elsa gazing at her with that emotion surfaces as she nurses her drink. It reminds her of the times when Elsa used to look at Anna as if she were the only person in the world. Almost 7 months ago, now. Anna groans, her head falling to the counter. She remembers how affectionate Elsa used to be.
Elsa used to help Anna braid her hair, sing to her, drive her to school. She'd take on anyone that dared threaten her little sister. Just some of the many, many reasons Anna fell in love with Elsa. Her own sister. Her head slowly rises, brows furrowing as a thought occurs. Does...Elsa know I'm in love with her. Is that what she was going to say that night? Is that why she pulled away?
Tears were flowing from Anna's eyes as steadily as the pounding of the rain atop the small bar. They cascade down Anna's cheeks and into her drink as she lowers her gaze. Her vision now blurs from both the alcohol and her tears.
If… If she doesn't want to love me, in any way, why does she continue to let me live with her? I should leave. I'm disgusting. Anna downs the rest of her whisky as shame floods her mind and shakily climbs to her feet.
She buttons her jacket, taking deep, shaky breaths. The people in the bar are louder than ever but it's background noise to Anna. She staggers toward the door, nearly bumping into each person in the crowd. As she reaches the door, a hand presses against her shoulder, spinning her around.
"Where do you think you're going?" Kristoff shouts. Anna shrugs off his hand as she stuffs her own into the pockets of her coat.
"I'm leaving," she says simply, raising her hood and shoving her hair beneath it. She mumbles something else beneath her breath and he catches one word: bus. Kristoff shakes his head, reaching out once more but Anna dodges it.
"Let's call Elsa so she can pick you up," he insists, and Anna glares at him.
"No. Don't call her. She doesn't care. It's best if I leave," Anna replies, turning toward the door once more. A glass is chucked at the wall beside them and shatters upon contact.
Kristoff whips around, attempting to find the culprit. While he's distracted, Anna slips out the door.
Elsa is dragged from her work-induced trance by the vibration of her cell phone. She now hears the thundering sound of rain against the panes of the window in her office and frowns. It's really coming down out there. I should have left earlier…
She tears her straining eyes away from her computer screen as she reaches to retrieve the mobile device from the corner of her desk.
Before Elsa registers who's calling, she notices the time: 12:30 AM. She rubs her free hand tiredly over her face, wondering how so much time has passed. Finally, she zones in on the caller ID: Anna. She slides her thumb across the screen and brings the phone up to an ear.
"Hey, Anna. Time to-" Elsa is cut off as the noise on the other end of the line threatens to deafen her. There's yelling, and things being thrown, and suddenly Elsa hears a voice she recognizes well.
"Everyone shut the fuck up and settle down! I'm making an important phone call!" There's scuffling on the other end and finally, the person speaks directly to Elsa.
"Hey, Elsa, it's Kristoff. Sorry to bug you… from Anna's phone," he tells her, and Elsa releases a light chuckle as she leans back in her chair, stretching.
"It's fine. Is Anna passed out at the bar again?" she inquires. There's a bit of hesitation on the other end. "Kristoff?"
"Okay, don't yell at me, but Anna took off," he says quietly, and Elsa inhales sharply. She stands up out of her chair, strolling to the window and peeking outside. Though the view is muddled by the constant rain, she sees the trees blowing roughly in the roaring wind.
"Did she say anything to you? Where in the world would she need to go in the middle of a storm?" Elsa frets, crossing her office and yanking her trench coat from the rack near her door. She hears Kristoff heft a heavy sigh as she shrugs the coat over her torso, tying it around her waist.
"I'm not sure. As I'm sure you heard when you answered the phone, it's been a pretty hectic night and I've been here alone the entire time. Lots of fights and rowdy crowds. I blame the weather," he grunts, as Elsa grabs the umbrella from the bin next to the coat rack. She doesn't bother with her briefcase and heads out of her office, locking the door before she turns toward the elevator.
"Did you not try to stop her at least?" she breathes, frantically pushing the call button. Kristoff scoffs.
"Of course I did. I glanced over just as she stood up from her stool and put on her jacket. I caught her at the door, and she pushed me away. She was… pretty drunk. Mumbling incoherently. Though, I managed to catch one word: bus. That's all, though. I'm wondering if there's any chance she's referring to the bus station a few blocks down. None of them are running at this time, so I'm not-" Elsa cuts him off.
"I'll check it out," she says, as the doors to the elevator finally part, and she steps aboard, pressing the button for the parking garage. "Did you see her go in that direction?" Another sigh from the man on the other end.
"Honestly, Elsa, I didn't. Someone had thrown something at us that narrowly missed and she dipped out while I was distracted. She...she told me not to call you… Said it was best for her to leave," he says, his voice softening. Elsa chews her lip as she falls back against the wall, pinching the bridge of her nose. This is my fault.
"Thank you for calling, Kristoff. I'll find her."
Anna stumbles down the sidewalk with her arm shielding her face. Though the wind is blowing harshly, and her clothes are drenched, it's beginning to slow down. She can see the bus station just a couple of blocks ahead. I'll leave… town. Go… somewhere.
Another cloud bursts open with rain, and suddenly Anna can't see two feet in front of her. She ducks into a nearby alcove, collapsing on the steps within as she hugs her arms around her body. It isn't just the cold that causes shivers to shake her body.
Elsa leans forward, hands tightly gripping the steering wheel as the wipers furiously slash across the windshield. She squints, pulling up on the main street. She passes by the bar and catches a quick moment of a brawl just outside the front door. She lets out a slight gasp as she watches one of the men get thrown into the rain-filled gutter.
Elsa presses harder on the gas, trying to peer out into the foreboding night. She happens to turn her head to the side, catching a glimpse of green within a doorway. She hits the brakes, the car sliding a bit over the water. She thrusts open her door after grabbing the umbrella and the blanket she keeps in her car for emergencies.
Gripping her coat, Elsa pops open the umbrella, shifting it to hover over her head as she stomped through the water toward her sister. Anna's head shoots at the sound of splashing water and seeing her sister, she shrinks back into the darkness of the alcove.
"Go away, Elsa," she mutters, curling in on herself. Elsa flinches, stopping where she is as the rain continues to fall heavily. Another clap of thunder rolls above the sisters.
"Anna, what's going on?" Elsa asks quietly. Anna meets her eyes for a fraction of a second and Elsa sees just how glassy those teal irises are.
"I'm leaving," Anna replies as if it's that simple. Elsa furrows her brow in confusion. Wind howls around them and she tightens her coat. Her fingers dig into the fabric of the blanket in her arms, reminding her it's there.
"What do you mean you're leaving?" Anna shrugs, shivering.
"You don't want me here. You've made it obvious," Elsa stops moving and breathing. Her heart wrings itself dry. Does...Does she really think that?
"Anna-" Anna shakes her head, glaring at Elsa as she rises to her feet, swaying a bit.
"Why, Elsa? Why do you tell literally anyone besides me, that you love them? Why did you pull away? Why don't you love me? " Anna shouts, her hands are clenched into fists at her sides, and she isn't shivering from just the cold anymore. Elsa can feel her sister's rage.
"Do...do you really think I don't love you, Anna?" Elsa finally spits out, disbelief edging her voice. Anna throws her head back with laughter, her hood falling, letting her red hair fall loose. The band around the locks had fallen out sometime during her journey.
"I think you've made it clear. Elsa, it feels like you pretend to care," Anna breathes, brushing aside her wet hair to glare at her sister.
"It's...I care... It... it's just… hard, Anna. You don't understand…" Anna inhales sharply, pain flooding her eyes. It's quickly replaced with unbridled fury. Anna has had it pent up for so long, and now everything was just tumbling out.
"Oh. I'm sorry, Elsa. I'm sorry, that it's so hard to fucking love me. Jesus fuck. Why did we move in together? Why are you continuing to let me live with you?" Elsa swallows the lump in her throat and closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. Reopening her eyes, she sees Anna's right in front of her now, rain falling on the younger woman.
"It's…. It's not that you're hard to love, Anna-" Anna takes yet another step closer, and Elsa moves back, nearing the curb.
"Then what is it, Elsa? Because, for the life of me, I can't fucking figure out what I did wrong. I don't know if you figured out my secret, or that I just really fucked up somehow," she continues, glaring at her sister. Elsa sighs, reaching out with the blanket to wrap it around Anna, but she steps away.
"Just say it, Elsa. Please, " Elsa flinches, gripping the handle of the umbrella so tight that her hand begins to cramp. A flash of lightning spikes through the sky, lighting up their surroundings with an ominous glow. Elsa sees the rage in Anna's eyes, and it tears her apart inside. She opens her mouth, but then that nasty web of guilt weaves around her tongue, and she just shakes her head.
"I...can't…" Anna's shoulders slump at the quietly uttered words, and there's defeat in her teal irises. She reaches behind her, lifting her hood once more over her hair as thunder echoes above them. She begins to walk past Elsa, who makes a sound and reaches out to Anna. The younger woman ducks beneath it, stepping off the curb and into the street.
There's a small river flowing in the gutter, and Anna's foot plunges into it as she practically wades into the street. Her head is down and, with the deafening sound of thunder overhead, she doesn't hear the car approaching. Elsa cries out, but another loud clap of thunder covers the sound.
Tossing the umbrella and blanket aside haphazardly, Elsa dives out into the street. She tackles Anna just before the car hits her and they tumble across the road. Anna's breath is knocked out of her lungs and when the world finally stops spinning, she opens her eyes again. She realizes Elsa is currently on top of her, with wide, frightened blue irises meeting Anna's own teal ones. Pale, shaking hands caress Anna's face, thumbs tracing over the freckles that cover her skin.
"Anna, are you okay?" Elsa breathes as Anna struggles to catch her own breath. She's suddenly sober and realizes how close Elsa is. Her eyes fall to those rosy lips and see that Elsa is talking. Anna swallows, attempting to calm her heart.
"I'm so sorry. It isn't hard to love you, Anna. It's easy, so easy. I was dumb. I shouldn't have pushed you away. I was just so scared," Elsa whispers, tears collecting in her eyes. Anna licks her lips, which are suddenly dry.
"Scared of what, Elsa?" she croaks out, not caring that they were both now drenched, but watches water droplets slip down Elsa's neck, disappearing beneath her coat. Elsa hesitates, just a bit, but then her shoulders droop.
"Scared of loving you," she replies, her slender fingers brushing aside Anna's damp locks, causing the younger woman's breath to catch again, and her pulse to quicken. Anna's lips part and Elsa watches her pupils dilate.
"Say it, " Anna demands, her own hands reaching up, cupping Elsa's face as well, bringing her closer. Elsa's heart soars at the deep emotion encased in the look Anna's currently giving her. Their faces grow ever closer.
"I love you, Anna," Elsa says huskily, as cold lips finally meet warm ones and they move together as one. After a few moments, they part, breathing heavily.
"Say it again."