A/N: Hello! It really is looking like we're only getting 13 eps this season, so I want to get as many fics out there as possible before it's over and the fandom dies, because I have way too many ideas :') Title and the verses at the beginning and end are from the song "Feel the Silence" by the Goo Goo Dolls (I recommend the acoustic version if you're going to listen to it).
TW: brief brief BRIEF mention of suicidal ideation
Enjoy!
"You lie awake at night, with blue eyes that never cry
All you remember now is what you feel
The truth remains in midnight conversations
I asked for this moment,
But you turned away"
During the day, Tohru is surrounded by distractions. There's always something that needs to be done, whether it be cooking, cleaning, schoolwork, or playing hostess to the various Sohmas that wander in and out of Shigure's house. But nighttime always hits differently, especially lately. In the darkness of her bedroom, the house silent except for the soft clink of the windchimes outside, she can't hide anymore. She feels too much, thinks about too much.
Mostly of him.
After Kyo held her through the sheet on the balcony a few days ago, she can't help but let her mind be consumed by him almost constantly. She had shown the ugliest part of herself to him that day, and he hadn't run, but embraced her instead. She's always known that he's a good person, but that alone makes him wonderful.
And although she knew it before and just hid it away in a dark corner of her mind, it makes her think, now, of how much she loves him. How much she wants him. And mostly, how she can never, ever have him.
Today in class, they'd had a lecture about how to select which colleges to apply to. Tohru had glanced over at him. Kyo was sitting stiffly in his chair, lips drawn into a tight line, pencil drawing absentminded circles against his notebook. Usually he takes actual notes, but he's been so resigned lately. The subject of that particular lecture only made it worse.
And it's made her think, yet again, about just how little time she has left with him.
So tonight, she lies on her back and bites at her nails, not sure what she can do besides try to push down the mental images of Kyo in the cat's cage, out of her reach.
The click of a door shutting, the groan of the floorboards in the hallway, and the sound of bare feet hitting the stairs startle Tohru.
She rolls over for the millionth time tonight, picking up her phone and blinking against the bright light of the screen as she unlocks it. 3 AM. Late.
So where on Earth is he going?
For just a second, she thinks about running after him; she obviously hadn't been sleeping, anyway. But she knows he'd hate that. So instead, she stares at the ceiling and worries more.
Kyo can take care of himself. He's tough and strong, and a trained martial artist, and no one he might encounter out in their already-usually-quiet neighborhood could pose a threat to him.
But what makes her feel sick is the idea that he might be sad. Or maybe angry, or stressed, or...something worse.
The night she saw his true form and ran after Kyo in the rain, Tohru knew that he would have killed himself if she didn't go bring him home. She wasn't sure how, and really still isn't, but she just knew.
She can't do this anymore.
Her restless feet take her downstairs, where she gropes around in the dark, hands searching for the kitchen lightswitch. Once the light is on, she reaches for the canister of tea they keep next to the stove, only to bite her tongue in frustration when she finds it empty. All they have is the bitter, cheap black coffee that Shigure buys from the 100 yen store to keep himself awake before writing deadlines. It can't be too horrible. She makes a cup and sits on her knees at the low table in the living room. She takes one small sip, then another. It tastes how she imagines mud might. She swallows hurriedly and pushes the cup away.
Tohru doesn't really pay attention to how much time passes as she sits there in the dark, only the light from the kitchen shining over about half the room, and she doesn't really care to know, either. She just wants him to come home.
The amount of relief she feels wash over her as the door finally swings open is mind boggling.
"Kyo-kun?" she calls softly, trying not to wake anyone. Kyo has good hearing, luckily. He peeks his head around the corner and into the living room.
"Oh. Hey."
"Hi," she says back, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice.
His hair is wet from the drizzle that has been dampening the sky on and off all day, and he's bundled up in the thickest coat he owns to block out the bite of the wind, but other than that, he seems okay. Definitely not on the verge of a breakdown––at this partiicular moment, at least––and that is good enough for her right now.
He points at her cup. "What's that?"
She hesitates. "Coffee…"
He scrunches up his nose. It makes him look even more adorable than he usually does, and it almost makes her want to do something reckless, though she's not entirely sure what.
"I didn't know you drink coffee."
"I...don't," she admits sheepishly, tilting the mug in his direction so he can see that it's mostly full still.
He chuckles briefly. "Just wanted to stay up late?"
"I guess so."
He raises an eyebrow at her unusual aloofness, but doesn't push the matter. "Be careful with caffeine. You're already anxious a lot, as it is. Don't make it worse trying to pull all-nighters for no reason."
He makes his way for the stairs, and a spark of panic ignites in her chest. She reaches her hand out, lightning fast, and latches her fingers onto his coat sleeve. He jerks to a stop and glances at her over his shoulder. As he opens his mouth to speak, she finds herself getting distracted by his lips. They always look so soft, and she vaguely wonders what they'd taste like if she got to run her tongue along them––
"Tohru?"
"Huh?" she asks dumbly.
Kyo tilts his head to the side, eyes evaluating her. "I said, what's up?"
"O-oh...it's nothing, I just…" she has no good excuse for clinging to him like a small child, and she knows it, but she can't stop herself. She can never control herself around him, and the weight of that realization feels like it might pull her under.
"Just lonely?" he asks softly.
He knows. How does he always know?
She wonders if he knows why she's lonely, too. Wonders if he realizes that every step he takes away from her, even if he's just going upstairs to bed, feels like a step closer to the future looming in front of them, the one where he won't get to be with her.
"Yes," she whispers back.
He gives her a boyish half-grin. It makes her stomach flip. He sits next to her, leaning his elbows on the table in front of him. For a moment, they just stare at each other quietly, but then his eyes dart down to his sleeve, where Tohru's hand is still fisted around the fabric of his jacket.
"You can let go, ya know. I won't go anywhere."
But he will go somewhere. He'll go away and he'll leave her behind and what will she do then––?
She takes a deep breath and forces herself to unlock her fingers, pulling them back from his wrist slowly.
"So what's on your mind?" he asks her once her hands are folded in her lap. Before she can answer, he adds, "I can tell when something's bugging you, so don't even try to lie about it."
She looks down at the table, eyes trained expertly on the grooves and scratches in the wood, hoping vainly that she can hide the vulnerability she's sure is showing in her eyes. She can't disguise the shame that rises to her cheeks in the form of a blush, though. It makes her nauseous.
"Just feeling stressed, I guess."
"What about?"
You, she wants to say.
"School," she lies instead.
"If you're worried about that test that's coming up, you'll do fine. Just ask Yuki to tutor you like he usually does. You're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for."
A smile tugs at the corners of her mouth, the flush on her cheeks steadily increasing in intensity.
"You really think so?" she asks, trying to keep the nonsensical giddiness she feels out of her voice.
"Yeah," he says simply. Then silence.
"Will you tutor me?" she blurts.
"Eh? Me?"
"Mm-hmm. Math is your best subject, right?"
He blushes and scratches at the back of his neck.
"You study it all the time, Kyo-kun. It would be hard for me to not notice," she points out, tone borderline mischievous.
Now his cheeks are so bright that the color clashes with his hair. "I just try to get good grades, is all. I hate math just as much as the next person."
"Okay. Sure." She giggles, but the laughter fades when she sees his hand twitch. Curiously, she moves her eyes back up to his. They're full of...something. Something she doesn't think she could find the words to describe, if she were asked to. She's not used to not being able to read him, and she decides now that she doesn't like it, either.
Then, Kyo reaches out and takes her face in his hands. She absolutely hates the way her breath hitches in her throat at the contact, despises the way her heart rate accelerates, is disgusted by the sudden dryness of her mouth. Because it's not right to feel this way. Even though part of her desperately wants to be allowed to get lost in this moment, in all the sensations battling for dominance in her body, she's simply not. It's not right.
He squeezes, her cheeks squishing toward each other with the force. "H-hey, Kyo-kun!" she mumbles, tone muffled by the positioning of her lips.
"Don't make fun of me," he says firmly, but his eyes are fond, his smile genuine.
She takes a deep breath and tries to keep her expression serious. "I'm not, Kyo-kun."
Kyo smirks and releases her face. Her whole body feels warm now. She barely even registers the fact that she lifts a hand to her cheek, fingers brushing along her jaw where his palm had just been. She bites her lip.
"You weirdo."
"You're the one who's a math nerd, and who squished me," Tohru points out. She feels a smile come back to her face, slowly but surely brightening her mood a bit.
"Now you're definitely making fun of me," he groans, running a hand across his face in an attempt to hide his blush.
He blushes around her a lot lately, she's noticed.
Maybe he…
No, there's no way.
She's probably just embarrassing to be around or something. She is naive, after all.
Tohru takes a gulp of her coffee to try and swallow down the sour taste lingering on her tongue because of that thought. She coughs, then, promptly clamping a hand over her mouth to try and muffle the sound.
Kyo chuckles and reaches out, rubbing light circles around her spine. She thinks she might just die right then and there if he keeps touching her like that, but luckily (or not, maybe), he pulls away once she's steadied her breathing.
"Is it really that bad?" He takes the mug and brings it to his own lips. Tohru marvels at him––at the casual way he holds the mug close, blows a puff of air at the drink, and then wets his mouth with it. He looks like someone out of a movie, some romcom where two strangers meet and fall in love in a coffee shop. But then he coughs, too, and she giggles in response, and the spell is broken.
"It's pretty bad, huh?" she muses as he cringes.
"Not too bad."
"Right."
"Hey, Tohru."
"Yes?"
He raps his fingertips against the table lightly. His sudden jitteriness makes her a little nervous. She plays with the hem of her pajama shirt while she waits for him to continue.
"Why are you actually up right now?"
Tohru feels her blood run cold. She tried blaming school already, and obviously he didn't buy that. She's not creative enough to make up another believable lie on the spot, and wouldn't be courageous enough to carry it out convincingly, anyway.
She panics, and the words burst out of her mouth before she can stop them. "I was worried about you."
She half-expects him to stutter out an embarrassed response asking why, and then tell her that it's not her job to worry about him, and that he can take care of himself. But instead, he just smiles, tilting his head to the side a bit as he watches her.
"That's so you," he says quietly, then moves his gaze away, smile fading just as quickly as it had come. "I just went for a walk, that's all."
"A-a walk? But it's so late. And it's raining."
"It's just barely raining. But yeah, it…" he pauses, scratches at the back of his neck. "Just needed to get out, I guess. That futon is shitty already, so when I'm already not feeling too great because of the rain, it just hurts. So I walked around a little."
"Oh. That makes sense, I guess. You shouldn't have to suffer at night, though. When it rains, you can just sleep in my bed, Kyo-kun––"
They both freeze in unison, bodies stiff, faces red, mouths agape. Tohru breaks the silence first, rushing to correct herself.
"No, no, what I meant was that we can just trade when it rains, if you want, since I don't have that problem and wouldn't mind the futon––"
"Tohru, stop. It's okay. I knew what you meant." He clears his throat and purses his lips. "I'll be okay. But thanks."
"Okay…"
"You should get some sleep. We have school tomorrow."
"Ah, yeah, probably. But what about you, Kyo-kun?"
Kyo takes a deep breath, then plasters another smile on his face. He reaches over and grabs Tohru's mug, sliding it closer to himself. "I think I'll finish this shit you made and just hang out down here." As she opens her mouth to protest, he adds, "I usually get up at 5 anyway, yeah? I'll be fine. I'll see you in a few hours."
Tohru can't do anything but stare at him for a moment. How many more times will she get to hear him say something like that? She's taken it all for granted. Every bump of his fist against her forehead, every stolen glance in the school hallway, every laugh he's elicited from her, every "see you later" he's offered her as one of them leaves the house. She feels tears welling up, threatening to spill over onto her cheeks, but she blinks them back. She can't think about it right now.
It hurts.
It's all too much.
She forces herself to stand because she has no other choice. Her legs shake, but she still turns to the stairs. "I'll see you in a few hours," she parrots back, hating the shake that she can hear in her voice. She hopes he doesn't notice it, but she can tell by the look on his face that he does. He doesn't try to stop her, though.
And maybe that's how it should be.
Because soon, he won't be here to comfort her. She'll have to learn how to do it on her own.
But that doesn't stop her entire soul from aching as she heads upstairs, alone, to be left with her thoughts.
She wants to be with him.
She wants to be with him, but she can't, and it hurts.
It hurts.
"And if we feel the silence, holdin' this all inside us,
Everything means more now than words could explain...
When it's gone, what will you say?
How do we hold on?"
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