"I'm afraid that that is a timeless, age-old question, on whether or not one should proceed or enter into a relationship," Dr. Matthews replied with a soft smile, looking at the young man across from her. "And unfortunately, therapists don't have all of the answers. But, hopefully I can help you come to an answer on your own."
T.K. made a face, and Dr. Matthews couldn't help but laugh out loud. "I assume you've heard that line before." She said with a twinkle in her eye. At T.K.'s nod, she added, "Well, let's talk it out."
Looking down at her notes, she tried to frame her starting question without being crass. "To confirm, you first met this other man at work, and then the two of you came to an agreement of hooking up?" She asked, emphasizing the word 'agreement'.
T.K. nodded, blushing slightly at the memory of him dropping to his knees in the dingy bathroom of the country bar. The agreement had happened very, very quickly.
"But then you got thrown off when he attempted to 'wine and dine' you?" She continued waiting for T.K.'s confirmation. "Now T.K., this is important - was it the offer of alcohol that bothered you?"
T.K. shook his head no, but then realized that his therapist expected an actual answer. "No, that didn't bother me at all." He replied honestly. He understood that people often offer alcohol socially and it rarely bothered him, as long as they weren't being pushy, and Carlos hadn't been.
Dr. Matthews continued to wait patiently, and T.K. was able to pick up that she wanted him to elaborate on what did bother him. "I told him that I didn't want all of that, the drinks, the dinner, the relationship. I just wanted to feel something and then leave, no responsibilities, no emotions." T.K. managed to spit out, not noticing the therapist making frantic notes as he talked. He was on a roll now. "I'm scared to go too quickly back into a relationship, to give part of myself to just have it thrown back at me, and me standing there alone with nothing but a bottle of pills." T.K. hung his head, a small tear escaping down his cheek.
T.K. had expressed at the start of their appointment that he was interested in possibly pursuing the relationship, but he didn't know if he should. So, skipping the question of whether or not he wanted this relationship to go anywhere, she proceeded with asking T.K. what he had communicated to this man since their last meeting. "Have you told him any of this?" Dr. Matthews asked. "That you need to go slow, not take things too quickly?"
T.K. nodded, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his yellow hoodie. "He tried to ask me out a week later, just to the same bar to hang out," T.K. replied, fumbling with the string on his shirt. Carlos had made it clear that it was a simple date, minimal expectations. It was after the bar fight, when T.K. had finally told Carlos about his addiction, and likely, inadvertently, his depression. He assumed that Carlos had made the connection when he said he felt grey all the time.
"But you're the one that said no?" She asked bluntly, looking directly at him as she asked the question.
"Yeah, I said that I wasn't interested. But I am...at least I think I am." T.K. said, frustrated at his own indecisiveness. He kept replaying the memory over and over in his head, remembering the look of disappointment in Carlos's eyes, the slight slump in his shoulders, when he declined the date earlier that week . "I'm just such a fucking mess -", T.K. paused, trying to figure out how to express what he was thinking. "I'm a mess, and I don't know….how to not to be. How do we fix this? How do I fix me?" T.K. whispered, his arms wrapped tightly around himself.
"By continuing to have this conversation," Dr. Matthews said simply, setting her notepad down and leaning forward, her hands clasped in front of her. "You've taken a big step forward in this session T.K., by sharing your thoughts and concerns with me and I appreciate your honesty. I want to reiterate that your feelings are valid. But I can reassure you, that there is nothing about you that needs to be fixed. And I will keep repeating that statement while we continue to learn strategies to help you with your addiction and your depression. Does that sound fine with you?"
T.K. nodded, letting his body relax slightly when he heard his therapist telling him that he didn't need to be fixed. He wasn't sure he believed her right now, but he appreciated her reassurance nevertheless. After discussing his homework for the week, he left the session feeling a bit lighter than when he went in.
Chewing his bottom lip, T.K. looked down at his phone at the last message he had received from Carlos and quickly sent him a text asking if he'd be interested in getting together the next time their shifts lined up. He wasn't sure if it was the right step to take, but his gut was telling him that he should take the chance, and see what happens next. After all, things can't really get worse, right?