A/N: Welcome to "Born To Be Yours".
First, I take no credit for the idea behind this fic. That came from my SVU friend on Twitter.
So, a few notes: This is set at the beginning of 2020 and covid does not exist, and it won't exist either because I'm currently on what feels like week 983 of lockdown and if I had to write covid into this I would probably lose my mind just a little bit. Also no Elliot.
Also, I know Liv is currently 54, but I took some creative liberties and made her 47 in this. Just go with it.
This will be an emotional roller coaster, but not like my previous fic. Definitely more lighthearted and at times a little angsty. Rated M for a couple of semi graphic crime scenes, some smut here and there, and language.
Reviews are always welcome. They motivate me so much, and knowing there are people out there who enjoy my writing is so moving, fun and fulfilling. And, ALWAYS call me out on it if I ever write something that feels very OOC. There's always room for improvement.
Ok. Let's go.
"Amanda and I'll go to the scene. Fin and Kat, you go to the hospital and talk to the daughter. Go easy on her but see if she remembers anything, what she might've seen, heard, you know the drill."
"Copy that, captain."
Olivia didn't believe in New year's resolutions, but this year she had secretly made it a personal mission to work on how she delegated all the many different sides of the job. Kat needed more experience with victims, and she needed to take a step back from always being everyone's shoulder to cry on, as rewarding as it could be.
With her hands draped tightly around the steering wheel, on their way to another crime scene, another lifeless body, she quickly decided that she'd been right. New year's resolutions were fucking stupid.
"Hey... Liv, are you ok? You look pale." Amanda said as she shifted a little in her seat next to the brunette.
"Hm? Fine. I'm fine."
And for once Olivia really thought that she was.
She had been feeling a bit off lately, but blamed it on the long winter months they had just started to put behind them. She always got a surge of energy when spring finally arrived in New York.
"Stop looking at me, Amanda. If I'm pale, it's because my face hasn't seen any sun since what feels like 1974."
The blonde detective gave her one last suspicious look before she turned to look out the window.
"Watch your step, there's a lot of blood." A young officer said as they entered the townhouse in West Village.
Amanda was about to roll her eyes and say something about how this wasn't her first rodeo, but she quickly fell silent when her eyes landed on the scene in front of her.
"Dead lord." Amanda stared wide eyed at the blood spatter and then at the lifeless body on the floor. "Her face is... gone."
"Mhm." Olivia nodded as her hand came up to cover her pursed lips.
She hadn't felt sick at a crime scenes for years. Sometimes it actually worried her, if she had become completely numb to the violence that certain people were capable of inflicting on others.
"I mean, it's complete overkill. And it's gotta be personal, with her head bashed in like that? Do we know anything about her situation other than her daughter?"
When the brunette didn't respond, Amanda turned to look at her. "Hey, you with me captain?"
"Yup. Just... Give me a minute."
The detective watched with worried eyes as Olivia hastily disappeared out the door.
"Your captain ok?"
"Yeah, she's fine."
Amanda wished that she could believe her own words, but if she was being honest with herself, she had worried about Olivia for weeks now.
If she was being totally honest with herself, she had worried about Olivia for years. And it wasn't just worry. But that was a part of her brain she never let herself explore, for too many reasons she cared to dwell on.
Too complicated. Ridiculous. Stupid.
"What do we know about the living arrangements here?"
"Mrs. Landon lived here with her daughter. Moved in just a couple of months ago after a divorce. Apparently the ex-husband has been a regular visitor."
Amanda eyed the officer with a curious look on her face.
"Next door neighbor filled me in before you got here."
"So she was close with the neighbors?"
"Nah, don't think so. But you'd be surprised at how much attention some people pay to their neighbors."
"Nothing surprises me anymore." The blonde detective said, more to herself than him as she stared at the woman in front of her.
The robe laid open around the naked body and the sight of blood between her legs made Amanda shudder with the thought of what Mrs. Landon's daughter might have witnessed.
"Where was her daughter when you first got here? She was the one who called 911, right?"
"Sitting on the staircase." He said as he pointed to the stairs leading up to the second floor. "Completely out of it."
She looked from the stairs to the body and then to the front door. "Excuse me for just a sec."
"Liv?" She asked carefully as she stepped out on the landing. "You ok?"
Without looking up at her, Olivia nodded as she put a piece of gum in her mouth.
"Yeah, uh," She cleared her throat before she continued, "the flu is going around at Noah's school. Maybe he brought it home with him."
"Want me to drive you home?"
The captain shook her head. "No, I'm good."
Amanda wanted to let it go, she really did. But after they finished up at the crime scene and got back in the car, she failed miserably.
"Look, I really don't want to pry-"
"Then don't."
"But it's usually my job to get sick at crime scenes, well… at least when I've been preg- Shit, is that-" She stopped herself, but it was already too late.
"Rollins! Don't be ridiculous. Now drop it."
"Yes, captain."
A heavy and uncomfortable silence fell between them, and when they finally got back to the precinct it felt like they had been driving for hours.
The rest of the day was strictly business, except for the few times Olivia glanced over at the blonde, and met her blue and piercing eyes for just a second.
Drop it, Rollins. I really need you to drop it.
But later that night, she found herself standing in front of the full length mirror in her bedroom, and suddenly it was impossible to drop it. Impossible to ignore. There was no visible bump, no real reason for her worries. Except for the nausea, and the headaches, and the fatigue, and the fact that her breasts felt twice as big even though they looked just the same.
Fuck.
"Ok, now that we can place him on the scene around the time of the murder, bring Mr. Landon in for questioning. Daughter still hasn't talked?"
"Not yet, they had to sedate her." Fin said.
"I'll go see her later today."
As Fin, Kat and Amanda turned to leave her office, the blonde detective stopped and closed the door.
"Liv, I overstepped yesterday. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry."
The brunette wanted to yell at her. For caring so much. Even her heartfelt apologies annoyed her, because it made it impossible to ignore those thoughts that she had spent months (years?) suppressing.
But, more than annoyed, she felt deflated, scared and alone.
She looked at her for a few seconds before she removed her glasses and got up from her chair.
"Grab your coat, and come with me."
Amanda opened her mouth to speak but she was abruptly cut off. "No questions asked, not yet."
Olivia was grateful for the fact that it was in the middle of the day when she opened the door to her apartment. She needed the possibility of freaking out, and the presence of her son didn't really allow for that. She hadn't decided yet if she regretted her decision to include Amanda in all of this.
"I bought this yesterday." She said as she placed the plastic bag on the countertop. "Open it."
With a confused look on her face, Amanda grabbed the bag and looked inside.
"Liv…"
"Haven't taken it yet. I mean… It's impossible. It's stupid, right?"
Cue freaking out.
"Take it." The blonde blurted out as she placed the bag back on the counter. She had been exactly where Olivia was right now, twice, and she knew all about the panic that was becoming more and more evident in those brown eyes staring back at her.
"Ok… Ok." Olivia whispered as she grabbed the bag, but without actually moving from where she was standing. "I don't even have to pee."
Amanda looked around the kitchen for a short moment before she opened the cabinet, found a glass and filled it with water.
"Bottoms up?" She said a little hesitantly as she handed Olivia the glass.
The captain stared at her wide eyed while emptying the glass in one go. When she was done, she simply handed the glass back to the blonde, wordlessly asking for more.
They kept this going for three more rounds, Olivia looking slightly more panicked after every glass.
"Ok, I'll try."
Amanda kept pacing back and forth while her boss was in the bathroom. She didn't understand why she was so stressed. Or maybe she did, it was just that annoying part of her brain acting out again.
When she heard the door open, she spun around and looked at the woman in front of her.
"I can't do it."
"You can't pee?"
"No, I can't look at it."
"Ok. Ok... Want me to do it?"
Olivia looked so uncomfortable. She looked like she was regretting telling Amanda about this, involving her in such a private moment. And the blonde couldn't help but to feel just a little hurt. Sympathetic, but still hurt.
"Just... Ok. Do it."
The detective walked with determined steps towards the bathroom, almost like she was bracing herself for another crime scene. Except she knew she wouldn't have to face death once she walked through the door. Possibly, quite the opposite.
Her blue eyes landed on the stick lying next to the sink and she got a weird sensation in her stomach. Empathetic stress? Excitement?
Two lines. How could two tiny lines on a stick change so much, in literally the blink of an eye?
"It's positive, isn't it?" She heard behind her.
Amanda turned around and stared at Olivia. She struggled to read the other woman and couldn't get herself to actually say it.
"Shit..." A hand came up over the brunette's face and she dragged it down until it landed over her open mouth.
"Congratulations?"
Looking at Olivia's expression, it was an absolutely ridiculous thing to say, but she couldn't really think of any better alternatives.
"Shit... Shit." Olivia repeated.
"Hey... Liv." Amanda said with a gentle voice as she put the pregnancy test back down and walked over to the door where her captain was still standing, frozen to the floor.
"It's gonna be ok."
She wanted to add "you have options" based on Olivia's reaction, but they had touched on that subject before and right now, it just felt so complicated.
Like everything between me and Olivia. Too fucking complicated.
So instead she pulled her into her arms, hugged her tight and echoed herself. "It's gonna be ok."
The brunette let herself lean into the embrace, but only for a few seconds before she took a few steps back and eventually turned to walk back into the living room.
Amanda wasn't sure but she thought she could hear Olivia mutter "so stupid."
"Do you... Who's the father?"
"So stupid." Olivia said, out loud this time.
"The father?"
"Wh- No, me."
She slumped down on the couch and buried her head in her hands.
"You had sex and got pregnant, Liv. If that makes you stupid, then... hello?" Amanda said as she gestured towards herself.
"No... It's not like that. This is... oh, God."
Her words did nothing to lessen the blonde's confusion.
She sat down next to her and placed a hand on her back. "What? Tell me."
"I can't. I can't do this."
"Tell me, or... have a baby?"
"I don't know. I don't know, Amanda." She kept shaking her head, apparently in complete disbelief.
"Ok, then let's just sit here for a while, huh? You don't have to make any decisions right now."
"I need to get back to the precinct." Olivia moved to get up from the couch, but the detective grabbed her hand to stop her.
"Uhm, I think it's ok if you take the rest of the day off, Liv."
Stop being so goddamn stubborn.
"I can't. Fin is interrogating Mr. Landon right now. I need to be there. And I need to get to the hospital to talk to the daughter. I can't just sit here."
"Fin will be fine. Mr. Landon can lawyer up all he wants, when that DNA comes back, he's toast. And I'll drive to the hospital and talk to Sophie. So let's just worry about you right now. Ok?" She kept moving her hand in small circles on Olivia's back and she couldn't quite decide if the gesture was soothing or a little condescending.
"Ok."
"I'm just gonna text Kat and tell her I had a family emergency or something. God knows it's credible."
This is definitely a family emergency, Olivia thought as she watched Amanda quickly type the message. Normally she would've berated her for lying like that, and using her own family issues as a cheap cover up, but at the moment she was a little preoccupied with not throwing up in her lap.
"Can I get you anything? More water? Or... milk?"
"Milk? Really, Rollins?"
"Well, I can't exactly offer you wine, can I?"
"Fuck... This is so messed up."
"Talk to me. You know you can trust me."
"It's not that I can't trust you, Amanda... It's just... You're gonna think I'm a horrible, horrible person."
"Wh- Did you sleep with someone we hate?"
Olivia's lips curled up into a smile for the first time that morning. Not because anything about this was funny, but because Amanda had said "someone we hate". She loved that about their friendship.
"Not exactly hate, no."
"The opposite? Someone we love? If you tell me it's Carisi I promise I won't be mad. I know things between me and him have seemed a little complicated but I swear it's totally plat-"
"Amanda! Carisi? Really? He's like my... younger cousin."
"Sorry. I'm keeping all options open here."
"Yeah, well, keep them a little less open, for christ's sake."
Olivia was so conflicted. Normally so private, keeping her relationships a secret for as long as possible, she found herself ready to burst. Because this was too much to carry on her own. She needed it off her shoulders.
"If I tell you," she said with a low voice as she stared at Amanda with her strict captain eyes, "you will swear on your life that you will never, ever, tell a single soul."
"I swear. I promise."
"Ok."
God, I need a glass of wine.
A/N: So there it is. The first chapter of Born To Be Yours. It'll hopefully be a fun, weird and sometimes emotional ride. Buckle up.