As soon as her fingertips make it to the edge of the blindfold, something in me urges me to leave the pit. She shouldn't see me and know that I….I did this. So I bolt away from the crime scene although I'm certain that she knows that it was me. As I run out of the pit I hear a yell which forces me to immediately head to the dormitory. Shortly I see Peter enter the dorm almost in a panic but that is almost instantly replaced with some form of...triumph as he approaches his bed and gives me a smug look.

Pools of tears well up in my eyes as I press my face to the pillow. I sob hard, hoping that it turns my brain off. I do not know how many hours pass by before I sleep but the whole night all I can see in the pitch darkness is her small body slowly dropping down the railing.

The slight bustle of the other transfers is enough to stir me up from an awful night. My eyes feel swollen and are almost glued together. I try my best to get a view of Tris's bed and see the neatly made bed that looks like it had a vacant night. What was I expecting? Why would she want to sleep in the same room, as me? This thought automatically dampens my eyes.

Why am I this way? Why am I so sensitive?

As I attempt to get up, last night's events flash in my head and create a sharp pain in my chest.

Why did I agree to do that in the first place? I had never wanted to hurt her. She always made me feel better about who I was in Dauntless. I was the big sensitive kid while she..she was the small but strong girl. I thought that I could be the one that protected her. After all, I was the one who helped her deal with Peter, like scrubbing her sheets when he spray-painted "Stiff" across her bedding and pillow or defending her when he started badmouthing her old faction. I also had helped her escape the chasm when a drunk Four was busy harassing her.

What had changed?

"She became too strong," a voice whispers in my head.

Too strong...images of her flash across my eyes. A blur of grey as a body jumps off the ledge without fear of what's down, "First jumper, Tris!" She is determined as she stands in front of the target as Four throws knives at her. Her predatory piercing blue eyes gleam as her bloody shoe savagely makes it to Molly's side, yet again, despite having already won. Finally, her name is in the first slot surpassing Peter's for the second round, while mine sits in the last slot with the letters curled down in shame. Too strong...

"Everything was easy for her," says the voice, this time a little louder than before.

"You were a fool to not realise that sooner. She wasn't the little girl from Abnegation who needed anyone's help anymore." As shocking as the words are, the longer they sit in my head, the more I find myself agreeing with them.

She didn't need any help, I realise, everything was easier for her.

Hell, if anyone needed help, it was me.

I was failing all the tests and sessions. My mind recalls the many nights in the compound when I had cried myself to sleep while everyone else calmly dozed off. All I could ever think of those nights was, "Am I going to be factionless?" When the second round started, everything just got worse. My fears in the simulations started haunting me wherever I went. The lines between the simulations and reality started blurring. My nights in the compound would often be cut short by my screaming and the cold sweat all over my body. Upon all of this, all I could think of was "When am I going to be factionless?" Suffering would be an understatement to the pain I was dealing with.

I'm not in the wrong. In fact, I'm so clearly the victim here, right? Besides, I was also the only one who couldn't meet my parents because of how terribly I'm performing.

My parents.

I still remember the day of the initiation, before leaving for the Choosing Ceremony, they sat me down and told me that they wouldn't mind me choosing another faction, that is of course anything but Amity.

"Those people would deceive their own just so that they could maintain peace, which is by all means deception Albert, and a life led by deception is.."

"Only going to lead to inevitable destruction. I know mom, you've been saying that since the day I was one. Anyway don't worry I don't plan on joining them," I say frustratedly, "Besides I think I know where I want to go."

"Oh really? So it isn't Candor. Is it Erudite? Abnegation? Or perhaps Dauntless?" she asks as she scans my face for a possible hint. When she says the word Dauntless I try to contain myself but her smile after observing my face tells me that she already knows.

"Dear you know that you shouldn't be asking such questions," my dad says in a cautionary manner.

"Yes, yes I know," she says while still smiling, "You'll do well in that faction Albert, I know you will."

My mum had always admired the Dauntless and probably thought that she could live that reckless life through me. As soon as I saw my mum and dad enter the pit, I couldn't bring myself to show them who I'd become. To me, intentionally losing meant not hurting someone for no good reason, but I sincerely doubt that my parents would think alike.

I'm just the one blotch on their reputation. The son who chose to leave his faction to pursue another, to only do terribly in it and become factionless.

I don't think anyone else is facing this. Even if they did, they'd be doing better than me.

Everyone's doing better than me

Yeah. I'm not in the wrong. I couldn't be.

Somewhat reassured by my thoughts, I coax myself to leave the dormitory and get some breakfast. As I enter the dining hall I see that Tris, Will and Christina are huddled together. I instantly catch a glimpse of Tris's scarred face and find her almost groaning with pain as she tries to pick a piece of bread. My heart sinks. I also see Christina and Will's face fill up with anger and disgust as Tris continues speaking. They apparently don't see me and I catch myself wanting to keep it that way. Instinctively, I immediately go back to the dormitories and sit on my bunk.

Isn't this what I wanted?

I wanted to see her struggle for once. Just once.

I wanted to see that she was also just like me, deep down. A person whose body isn't made of titanium. A person who is capable of feeling the way that I do. Cracked and broken. Open and vulnerable. Small and dependent.

Now I got what I wanted. But why is it that after getting what I wanted, all that I can taste is bile?

"She deserved at least a bit of pain right?" I ask the voice in my head that was so convinced a few moments ago that I was the victim. But all I can hear in my head is dead silence.

My mind wanders to Tris groaning, as she moves slightly. Her narrow face with the long angry scar and her face swollen. "No," I realise, "She didn't deserve this and I most certainly didn't want this." I really didn't want this. Slowly my eyes well up.

I hurt her...I did hurt her. As much as I'd want to deny it, I know I can't. I can't try justifying it anymore. I-I...the one person I sought to protect from all the evil in the dauntless compound was harmed because of me. I betrayed her. I betrayed one of my friends just because she was doing better than me. God, I'm pathetic. Tris was someone I planned to hold hands with and take on a date. I wanted to be the one to kiss her passionately and profess my feelings to. I wanted to get matching tattoos with her and cuddle. I did think that we could be together sometime. Even though she did reject me I thought that….eventually, we could be together.

I ruined what could have happened.

This thought, as melancholic as it is, makes me come back to a terrible realisation.

"Did a part of me also hurt her because she rejected me?"

For some reason, I find this worse than doing it out of jealously like Peter. Sure, doing it out of jealousy would make me an envious piece of garbage, but doing it because she rejected me would make me a vengeful coward, afraid of getting my feelings hurt.

"So, I'm worse than Peter...Ha, I never thought that was possible," I scoff as I wipe a tear off my face. I screwed up big time...

'Is it too late to be forgiven or was this an unforgivable act?' For some reason, I can't bring myself to answer the question.

"Maybe it's because you already know the answer," says a voice in my head.

"No. I can't just assume something," I think as I brush away the very uncomfortable thought, "Only Tris could answer that question."

As if on cue, I hear footsteps and I see Will, Christina and Tris walk in. As soon as they see me, Will's face goes sour while Christina gets tense and looks furious. Tris on the other hand looks cold and distant. I know that I have to speak.

"Tris, can I talk to you?" My voice comes out as a croak and breaks.

"Are you kidding?" Will asks incredulously, "You don't get to come near her ever again."

"I-I won't hurt you. I never wanted to..." I say as I feel the tears rush again. I cover my eyes. I can't cry again when I'm not even the victim.

"I just want to say that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't...I don't know what's wrong with me, I...please forgive me, please..." I say hoping somehow that those words make up for my crimes. I almost reach out to her shoulder before I receive a glare from Christina warning me to back off.

For almost a second, I feel like Tris considers my apology, but almost in a heartbeat, she hums "Stay away from me. Never come near me again." I look into her eyes. They have no mercy and look piercing. "If you do, I swear to God I will kill you, you coward."

I am and will always be unforgiven.