I don't own Merlin. My thanks to the BBC for coming up with the series. And my thanks to ebhg for their work in Dragonfasting for giving me a few ideas I'll be putting into practice shortly.
Please let me know what you think.
I refuse to kill her.
Merlin hated fighting in Arthur's wars.
But now this battle was over with, and Morgana driven off, possibly even wounded severely enough to kill her, although the warlock had no idea for sure, and with hundreds of people suffering for her rule of Camelot for the second time running, Merlin was thankful for the rest. But he just couldn't get to sleep, as he once more tried to equate the nightmare that was Morgana with the girl whom he had known and loved.
Ever since the day he had met Morgana, he had been enamoured with her. She was not only one of the kindest women that he knew, but she was also one of the loveliest as well.
How many times had he fantasised about her? Merlin had always been infatuated with Morgana, and even though she was cruel, Merlin knew it wasn't as clear cut as a Pendragon would have you believe.
No, Arthur and Uther would have said magic was the cause. Magic corrupted and would blacken somebody's soul, but Merlin had long since become used to the fact the answer was much more complex than that.
He had always hated that stupid philosophy.
Magic corrupts.
Magic is evil.
Magic should be destroyed.
Sometimes Merlin wished he had never come to Camelot, that he had gone to the druids or some other magical group so he could learn skills from them, and learn more about magic freely without having to use it from the shadows. The Pendragons were the epitome of the people whom his mother had always told him never to go near and reveal his magical abilities too. They would have killed him in an instant, and while Gaius and Lancelot would have believed otherwise, Merlin might have been careless and carefree about his powers in the first few years he had been here in Camelot working as Arthur's servant, but he had been very careful. It was only blind luck that had ensured he remain safe, and Merlin was desperate to stop Gaius from learning that.
God knew the court physician would refute it.
But the Pendragon philosophy of magic…. Merlin knew the whole thing was a pack of lies since Uther had told himself that since his precious wife died in childbirth because of Nimueh's mistakes, but to poison the minds of hundreds of people…
It was no wonder Morgana had snapped.
But she shouldn't have done, not that easily. Merlin had been questioning Morgana's fall for a long time now. She had every right to be angry, of course. There were just so many things that didn't make sense, now he had studied more magic thanks to the grimoire Gaius had given him. Yes, he could understand it if Morgana was angry, but this….
So what went wrong? Merlin knew there was plenty of blame to go around and thanks to his magic and how he was forced to keep secrets himself, he had been very good at stumbling across the secrets in Camelot, secrets and events going on under the noses of the Pendragons. There was both Arthur and Uther, of course; thanks to their insane bloodthirsty hatred towards any and all forms of magic and its practitioners, Morgana had always been angry towards both men for their cruelty towards all who practiced it.
How many times had Morgana seen someone being put through one of those trials where justice was spat on and ignored because Uther controlled the courts, and he always ensured the sorcerer or the suspected sorcerer (Good lord, how many were there who'd been accused in the same way Gwen and her own father had? Merlin was willing to suspect hundreds of people had, and they all been killed) was found guilty and executed?
How many times had Morgana seen the aftermath of a raid on a druid's camp? Again, Merlin was convinced the number was in the double digits somewhere.
Morgana had grown up with Uther's poison about magic in her ears, although Merlin suspected if she had known the full depths of the reasons behind Uther's never-ending wave of violence towards sorcerers, especially now, she would go into a rage. But the fact was Morgana had good reason to be terrified of her magic appearing, but there were times where Merlin, who'd known and seen for herself the type of vengeful rage Camelot's unofficial princess had felt towards those who were harmed because of Uther's unending brutality, had asked himself privately if Morgana had somehow always known she was different.
There were other events, of course.
Morgana had likely seen bounty hunters, like the piece of scum who shoved Freya into that cage.
Merlin had no doubt Morgana had been forced to bite her tongue whenever she was forced to sit on the council and listen to those prejudiced fools who'd only helped Uther propagate those lies about magic, so she'd have known even if Uther had somehow discovered she had magic then they would not lift a finger to help. They never had before.
Let's face facts; if Morgana had somehow been outed as a witch - either by somebody stumbling across her in the middle of casting magic around her chambers, they would have raised the alarm, especially if it was that goody-goody George. Merlin could barely stand the smarmy servant, and he would not give a damn about who suffered if he revealed magic was in the castle, even if it was someone high on the social ladder like Morgana.
She could also have revealed her powers by accident in public where she was frightened or suffering from particularly strong emotion - and that happened, it was especially dangerous when a sorcerer was born with their magic and they didn't know what they were doing - and they would have either captured or killed her on the spot.
But the fault didn't just lay with the people of Camelot (despite knowing there were good people in Camelot, Merlin was sometimes disgusted with them), a large amount of the blame fell on him.
When Merlin had first discovered Morgana had magic, although at the time it hadn't manifested itself, he had been amazed until he had learnt the woman with whom he had been falling in love with the same intensity as he had with Freya was destined to join with Mordred in evil and kill Arthur.
Kilgharrah, who had told him about the prophecy, and his beliefs set in stone. The Great Dragon's belief Morgana was evil had only been proven time and time again, but it wasn't until Merlin had grown older and experienced so much, seen so much pain and grief, watched as Morgana turned evil and was twisted although how she had become twisted so quickly without any scruples, Merlin didn't know and he was starting to ask if Morgause had done something to her.
He had known Morgana had magic. He could have helped her, he had known what she was going through, but he had decided to follow the advice of Kilgharrah and Gaius instead, giving into his cowardice and inexperience to really want to change the prophecy. As a result, Morgana had become nothing more than a twisted megalomaniac.
Even his sending her to a druid camp hadn't helped since Arthur had slaughtered them, and she had fallen neatly in with Morgause after that unholy mess where Merlin was forced to poison Morgana to break that sleeping spell. The blond High Priestess had then taken Morgana away and for a whole year anything could have happened, and now Merlin wondered if the blonde witch had done something to Morgana.
He wouldn't have put it past her either. Morgause had been a fully trained High Priestess of the Old Religion. She could have done a great deal to Morgana, but Merlin knew a large chunk of the blame fell onto his shoulders as well as on the wings of Kilgharrah who'd had his own agenda at the time, and likely still did, and Gaius.
Thinking of his elderly uncle and mentor hurt, especially when it came to Morgana. How many times had he taken a potion which had proven to be utterly useless for Morgana to sleep through those dreams? Now he knew she was a seer, Merlin felt more sympathy for Morgana, and he knew Gaius had wanted to keep his head down and essentially ignore the fact she was in pain.
As he lay in his cot, his muscles aching with exhaustion after the long battle with the witch's forces of mercenaries and the scum of the five kingdoms Merlin thought about Morgana's fall from grace and how she had tried to take over Camelot for the second time. It really did hurt Arthur, especially since it proved Agravaine was not on anyone's side but his own.
For a whole year, Agravaine had been working with Morgana, and his motives were as simplistic as hers was. He merely wanted revenge on the Pendragons for the death of his sister, Ygraine and Arthur's mother. That, and a little bit of power wouldn't have hurt, and Merlin could see the arrogant so-called lord wanting that. Merlin knew a great deal about what Agravaine had done during the course of the year - that mess with Gaius being considered as a traitor to Camelot (sometimes Merlin wondered if Arthur even had a brain) although how it was believed, he didn't understand.
Arthur hadn't even bothered to defend the old physician. Why would he, his precious uncle was advising him?
Merlin pushed those thoughts out of his mind, and he absently cast a sleeping spell over himself to give him a few hours of sleep. He had a big day tomorrow, and he wanted to be bright and fresh. But as he fell asleep, one thought entered his mind.
Morgana was not herself and he refused to kill her just for that.