Potential Trigger Warnings: Mentioned/Implied Child Abuse, Panic Attacks, and consequences of both. Please feel free to let me know if you would like any other warnings added.

The hard days always seemed to last the longest. On those days Zuko could barely breathe, his throat closing tight and his lips sealed. When he and Uncle were still on the Wani, he would spend those days hidden away in his cabin, back pressed against the cool metal wall and his legs drawn up until he could remember where he was. Remember that he was safe. Or as safe as he could be anyway. His father could and would torment him no matter where he went or how far he ran. The Firelord's shadow loomed remorseless and suffocating.

Hard days came more often than Zuko would like, another sign of his weakness. He hadn't had one since before he joined the Avatar. Until now. His uncle would usually make them both tea and Zuko would stare into the cup and watch the liquid cool. Maybe Zuko had been too focused on the rush of events that had happened since. Now that they had returned with the former prisoners from the Boiling Rock, there was a lull in the mad dash they had been in. A lull that was very much unappreciated by the resident firebender.

Zuko tried to focus on the task in front of him. He stood with his tray and started to make his rounds around the campfire. He knelt beside each person as he skillfully balanced the tray one handed and passed them a cup of tea. He kept his eyes downcast, eyes watching the shadow of the fire flicker and dance. He listened to the chatter around him without really hearing it. He tensed when he reached Chief Hakoda but nevertheless served him tea with a shaky hand before standing. His eyes refused to reach those of the bigger man, despite the fact that Zuko had felt his eyes on him this entire time. He wished the chief wouldn't stare, wished the chief would ignore Zuko like everyone else in this camp seemed to.

Zuko retreated to the edge of the group and slowly sat with his back against a pillar. He closed his eyes and tried to focus his breathing. He knew he was weak and a poor bender to not be in control of his breathing. A heavy weight settled in his stomach as he felt the flames rise slightly with his hitched breath. It was shameful for him to not even have that level of control. He opened his eyes and watched his carefree companions talk, oblivious to his momentary loss of control. Chit Sang sat across the room from Zuko but he could still see the warmth in the older man that confused Zuko. So he instead let the campfire draw his attention. He took breathed slowly as he was mesmerized by the oranges and reds jumping around the wood like a delicate dance.

He felt more than saw something suddenly rush toward the left side of his head. Zuko pushed himself up and heard a terrified cry. He belated realized that he was in fact the source of said scream. Azula always did say he was a baby. Zuko's scar stung and his hand touched the blood slowly dripping from a cut on his face. His face. He paled and his breath caught firmly in his throat, panic enveloping every sense. For a split second he examined his surroundings closely to ensure that they weren't being attacked. That everyone was safe. He found a group of surprised faces staring back at him and then he finally noticed the ice imbedded in the pillar where he was sitting. Oh. His shoulders crumpled around his bony frame in relief. Punishment he could handle. He knew he deserved to be punished by Katara and his other companions after chasing them across the world. It wasn't new to him.

"Katara!" Chief Hakoda sharply reprimanded. The larger man still carried himself as a commander of men despite his recent imprisonment and his tone reflected it.

Katara frowned and quickly defended herself, "It was an accident."

"How could you do that, Katara?" Sokka piped up with a frown. Sokka moved from his seat to check on Zuko.

Zuko, meanwhile, stood frozen and confused. Why would they be mad at Katara? She was right to punish him. But- no. The chief was now standing and moving toward Katara and Zuko couldn't breathe again and all he could think was that Katara was so much smaller. So much smaller. Sure, she was a master waterbender but fathers were different and he knew that. Before he knew what he was doing, he had already placed himself between Katara and the chief and Zuko was terrified. His heart beating fast enough to burst. He kept Chief Hakoda's hands in clear view as he forced himself to speak quickly, "Please no. It's okay. Don't hurt her."

Chief Hakoda raised a hand and Zuko couldn't help but flinch for a blow that never came. Zuko felt sick. His stomach was twisting itself into knots at his stupidity. He rushed to clarify as he noticed the chief's frozen state, "It was my fault really- I just couldn't see it. If I had I wouldn't have minded." Zuko gestured to his burned eye to prove his point since the chief looked confused. "I don't deserve anything else after what I've done.," he continued. Zuko tried to be as earnest as possible, hoping to soothe the apparent anger from the larger man.

"Zuko, what do you mean?" Aang stepped a little closer as he spoke. Aang, the poor kid, looked so confused. As Aang was a pacifist, Zuko doubted it had even occurred to Aang that sometimes lessons need to be learned physically. Zuko hated himself for hunting this sweet child. Hated that he had planned to hand over a child to the Fire Lord.

Everyone else in their merry group looked concerned now. Even Katara placed a now gentle hand on Zuko's shoulder. Chit Sang strode over to Zuko and placed himself solidly in between Zuko and the chief. Chit Sang spoke softly, "Come now, my Prince."

Zuko let himself take Chit Sang's hand and be guided into a different part of the air temple. Chit Sang was familiar. He reminded Zuko of Lieutenant Jee and by Agni did Zuko hope that Jee was still alive. That he and the rest of the crew had somehow survived the massacre at the North Pole. Chit Sang kept his touch feather light. Secure but not overwhelming.

"Prince Zuko, please sit," Chit Sang gestured to the wall of the new room there were in. He knelt beside Zuko.

"Just Zuko please." Zuko doubted anyone other than Chit Sang still considered Zuko a prince.

They sat there for Agni knows how long before Chit Sang spoke again. "I was the commander of the 41st. My men and I found out what you did for us shortly before our last deployment. It was what kept us going. You will always be my prince and our true Firelord. Thank you."

Zuko shook his head as tears began to fill his eyes, "I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry that I couldn't do anything."

"My Prince, I will protect you. You will come to no harm." Chit Sang soothed his broken prince as he slowly cleaned and bandaged the shallow cut on his face. It was no substitute for the healing that Katara could do, but it would have to do for now. Infections were to be avoided at all costs. All soldiers knew this. A severe infection would get you sent in front of the firing squad rather than waste sorely needed medicine on anyone other than a high ranking officer. Zuko didn't know if it would be the same with the Avatar, but would rather not risk it nonetheless.

Zuko sat with Chit Sang until he could feel the cool stone below him through his clothes and hear the wildlife that had settled in the undisturbed parts of the temple. He watched the sunset through the big opening that really should have been the fourth wall of the room. Airbenders were so weird. Not that Zuko could really talk much. Zuko looked back at Chit Sang and gave the man a small smile. For once, Zuko felt safe. He would deal with everything else tomorrow.

The first bright rays of light were just beginning to appear over the horizon when Zuko woke. He rolled over and watched out the open wall as he listened to Chit Sang begin to stir from a few feet away. Ha, Zuko laughed internally, Firebenders woke with the sun like clockwork. Zuko stood and walked to the empty space near the open wall. He slowly worked through his katas as the warm light shone brighter. The katas soothed his frayed nerves and warmth spread throughout his body with each breath.

Zuko might never be a master, but his movements were becoming smoother than before. Before when he fueled his bending with rage. Before when he was fueled by despair and a fierce desire to be good enough to be loved. However, he had finally figured out that it was impossible to earn his father's love. He wasn't sure if he could win Azula's. He hoped his baby sister wasn't too far gone. He hoped his father's insanity had not irreparably spread to her. Azula was only a child, albeit an overpowered one. Zuko was sure if he breathed his hopes to anyone that he would be tried for treason. Zuko mulled that over. It would be a bit ironic to be guilty of treason on both sides. The Avatar would be better off with a different Firebending master, but Zuko was all to be had right now. Maybe they could find a better Firebending master once things settled down some.

Zuko straightened once he finished the katas and pulled on his shirt. He glanced over at Chit Sang and belatedly noticed Chit Sang's tense form. Chit Sang's jaw was clenched and his burning gaze was fixed on Zuko's now clothed back. How awkward. Zuko shifted uncomfortably and announced, "I'm going to make some tea."

Zuko was very aware of the thick lines on his back, evidence of where he had been beaten. It had been so long since he had practiced where someone could see them that he had forgotten. Well, someone who wasn't already aware of the story behind them. He had been lulled into complacency by how Chit Sang reminded Zuko of the security he felt around his crew.

Zuko had protected his crew with his body and his life. If he had to curse them with his own punishment, he would be sure not to let them suffer needlessly. His crew had respected him for it. The crew of the Wani never wanted for anything that was in Zuko's power to give. Taking the punishment of one of his men was an easy decision to make. It was his right as the commander of Wani to assume any punishment given since the misbehavior of the crew reflected upon their leader. The man in question had committed the heinous crime of sassing Admiral Zhao in defense of his prince. Insubordination, Zhao claimed. Of course, Zhao had threatened to have the poor man executed for his crime. Zuko had known Zhao could not kill a prince – even an exiled prince – without leave from the Firelord. So Zuko took the punishment and received the lightened sentence of a hundred lashes. Come to think of it… Zuko would bet Zhao had special depensation for that now.

Chit Sang gave him an appraising look but said nothing. He fell into step behind Zuko as they walked toward the common area of the temple. If Zuko was lucky, nothing would ever be asked about them. For now, Zuko would just avoid eye contact and hope for the best.

It was quiet as none of the others were much of early risers when it was not forced upon them. The Duke lay sprawled asleep near the remnants of last night's campfire. Zuko shook his head but had a soft smile as he reached over to tug the blanket back into its proper place over the small boy.

Zuko dug out the teapot from the pile of equipment and built up the fire. He pulled his pouch of tea leaves from his pocket and set to brewing Chit Sang and himself a cup of tea.

The steps were easy. He had practiced them many times. Heat the water. Pour the water into a cup. Steep the tea. Repeat as needed. He was still working on making a good cup of tea, despite the seemingly simple steps. Zuko knew Uncle didn't like Zuko's tea, despite saying he did. It was hard to mask the distaste that would quickly cross Uncle's face at each sip.

Zuko handed Chit Sang a cup of tea and knelt nearby with his own cup. He closed his eyes as he sipped on the tea. He tried to relax and took a deep breath. Uncle always said the best way to begin the day was by releasing tension. The tea, while mediocre at best, did help to relax his tense muscles. Unbeknownst to Zuko, the flame of the campfire was raising and falling with each breath Zuko took. It was happy to follow the dance while Zuko meditated.

Sometime later when the sun was high in the sky, the others started to rise. Zuko focused on meditating while he listened to the rambunctious morning routines of the others. It was so different from what he was used to when he was on the run. It was quiet then. And lonely. Before that, on the Wani, mornings had been much the same as the afternoons and nights. A ship had to have its crew working at all times.

"Aang," Zuko spoke, "are you ready to practice your Firebending?"

Aang grinned and bounded to Zuko's side, "You bet, Sifu Hotman!"

Zuko gestured to the open area beside him, "Sit." He waited for Aang to do so before continuing, "Close your eyes and breathe. Feel the warmth of Agni fill you and let it spread throughout your body."

Zuko was a little surprised to see that Aang followed his instructions without complaint. Aang usually complained about the return to the basics, but Zuko kept trying to reinforce their importance. Fire was dangerous when one was not in complete control. Meditation was the most direct way to keep yourself connected with the spirit of Agni and to understand the energy flow. Zuko fished a candle out of his belongings and, after placing it in front of Aang, lit it. Zuko studiously ignored the presence of the rest of the Avatar's group.

"Focus on the flame in front of you," Zuko said to Aang. "Try to feel how the energy flows and ebbs. Try to match yourself to it."

Zuko returned to his own meditation. A practical example would likely help Aang recognize the difference between his Airbending meditation and what they were trying to accomplish now. Zuko reached out his energy and gently guided Aang through the exercise. Aang caught on pretty quickly and Zuko crept back into himself, allowing Aang to continue it on his own.

Because Zuko had been so focused on training Aang, he had not been listening to the nearby conversations. He very much regretted it. He was definitely unprepared for what his sharp ears tuned into. Talk of the Wani. His head snapped to its source and before he could stop himself, "You have heard news of the Wani?"

Chief Hakoda looked surprised at Zuko's question, pausing in his words. "Yes, Prince Zuko. A few of its members were at the prison I was kept before I was transferred to the Boiling Rock. Lieutenant Jee was one of them, I believe. He was a tough one. I'm sorry – I don't have much else to share. He was alive last I saw him."

Last the chief saw him, Zuko thought. Zuko could easily guess from Chief Hakoda's tense frame that the larger man wasn't sure how true that was still. The Fire Nation was not kind to its traitors. But something in Zuko had loosened at the news. Zuko swore to himself that if he survived the battle against his father, he would search for Lieutenant Jee and the rest of the Wani's crew. Even if just to give honor to their graves.

"Thank you," Zuko replied.

"Like you care about them. We heard about how you terrorized your crew with selfish and cruel demands," Katara interrupted. Apparently over her pity from the previous day. Good. "I doubt they would care to know what their ex-prince is up to either."

Zuko stiffened and tried to take a deep breath, yet his body refused to allow it. He knew she was right. His throat felt like it was closing shut while he tried desperately to force the air into his lungs. He cursed himself for thinking that he could fix things. He couldn't. He never did anything right on the Wani and that wouldn't change now. His crew must have hated his leadership but who would want to follow a child anyway? Zuko missed his uncle. He missed what his family could have been. He missed what it felt like to not spiral in his own pathetic insecurities. It was like his insides were made of glass that had shattered the moment his father decided it was better to kill his only son than give up his desire to rule. Zuko didn't know how to put himself back together again but his biggest regret was the people who he cut with his jagged insides.

"Why do I always have to be the bad guy?" Zuko asked tiredly. "Do what you like to me, Katara, but don't bring my crew into it. Let me train the Avatar. Once this is over, we can continue whatever you would like." Zuko slumped as the energy drained from him. He shook his head and walked off. Arguing was both unproductive and pointless. It would be better to devote his time training.

Chit Sang stood near the campfire after Zuko left. He glanced around the group and let out a hearty laugh, "You really have no idea at all, do you?"

Katara immediately went on the defensive, "What are you talking about? We know enough to see that Zuko is a self-important prick who will betray us at the first chance." Katara didn't know what to do if Zuko wasn't the villain she had built him up to be. It felt like a lie that the terror that had endlessly followed the Gaang could be anything other than evil. Katara was struck with a memory of Gran Gran scolding her for having a two-dimensional outlook of her arguments with Sokka. That couldn't be the same… could it?

Chit Sang slowly shook his head. "No. This isn't my story to tell… but my prince will hardly be the one to tell this one. You are right to doubt that they would care about much right now," Chit Sang paused recompose himself. "The crew of the Wani has most likely been executed for aiding our prince."

"No…" Aang spoke up from his spot, meditation long abandoned, as his eyes widened, "why would the Firelord do that? Weren't they still his soldiers?"

"Firelord Ozai must have known that their loyalty was first to Prince Zuko, then the Fire Nation, and not to him. He would have had them executed for that alone." Chit Sang somberly stated. "He has no use for tools who do not hold their loyalty to the throne above anything else. Zuko is a prime example of this."

"Zuko seems like a pretty dedicated son to me." Toph spoke. She repositioned herself from where she sat near Aang.

Chit Sang's mouth opened slightly in surprise, "You mean that none of you know? Have you never wondered how he received his scar? It was talked about throughout the Fire Nation and its colonies for months."

"I heard it was a training accident." Hakoda spoke, his voice low as he leaned against one of the pillars.

"Ha! Hardly," began Chit Sang. "The Firelord himself gave Prince Zuko that scar. A lifelong reminder to never show weakness. To never show or ask for mercy. Some would say it was a kind punishment, given that most Agni Kais end in the death of the loser."

A chorus of disgust and disbelief rose from the group but Chit Sang didn't budge. "If Prince Zuko wishes to share more on the topic, he will do so. I owe him my life and my loyalty. I do not speak of this simply to satisfy your curiosity but to give context. You condemn him for chasing the Avatar, but did you ever ask him why? Why was he on a quest to find someone lost a hundred years ago? Ask him," Chit Sang continued, "and see if you still feel the same way about his actions." He leaned his head back and laughed bitterly, "The workings of a madman is all this entire war has been."

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! This is something that I've kind of been thinking about so I sat down to try my hand at it. This is cross-posted on Ao3 and any potential updates to this will likely be posted there first. Please feel free to leave a comment with any suggestions/things to improve. If I ever find inspiration to add, I might add another chapter or two or maybe rewrite and expand. :)