SHIRO i
It seemed like no matter how many times she'd dry his tears and repeat the mantra, 'you are loved' to him, he'd never believe it. She wondered if it took her screaming it from the rooftops of Kamurocho for him to finally realize that beneath those words, lie a confession to him. Had he been so blinded by the jealousy that'd been consuming him whole lately that the only things that mattered were the things that weren't working out?
Tonight, he'd invited himself to her apartment to drink his sorrows away as he spoke vaguely about what'd been troubling him, as he often did. He'd rarely explicitly told her what he was upset about but she was no fool. And she understood. It's tough to be in a spot where you have to admit envy against the person that trusts you most in the world.
Although the five of them: the boys, Yuko, Yumi and herself grew up together at Sunflower, there was one bond that made her question the old proverb, 'blood runs thicker than water'.
Nishikiyama Akira and Kiryu Kazuma were the picture of true friendship and chosen family. Always have been and always would be, she hoped. They did everything together: they planned together, got angry together, got into trouble together and she wondered if she was a fool for not predicting that they'd even love together. With Yuko in and out of the hospital and Junko's volatile relationship with Yumi, she wondered if she was ever meant to have a bond like that.
Sawamura Yumi…
A name that always seemed to make her stomach turn when it passed his lips. Oh but she was fine. Lovely, even. That was part of the problem. No matter how long and hard she fired the cylinders in her mind, she couldn't find any true reason to not get along with Yumi. She was just jealous of her and while she was jealous of her, Nishikiyama was jealous of Kiryu. She'd never vocalized any of this to him before, neither her feelings toward him or Yumi. But perhaps he felt it and perhaps that was why he preferred Yumi to her? Yumi would never hold so much anger and borderline hatred toward a perfectly innocent person in the name of 'love'.
And Junko could admit that truth placed yet another point in Yumi's basket, one more point toward being better than her.
That was love, though. It made people behave so strangely. It turned otherwise wonderful people into vicious monsters. Was she being a monster? Was he?
She couldn't take his tear filled proclamations of being worthless anymore. While he was there beating himself down, Kiryu and Yumi were sharing doe-eyed glances at Serena.
"Thanks for letting me hang out here tonight, Junko." he mumbled, taking a swig of the liquor, straight from the bottle.
"You're welcome to stay as long as you like, Nishikiyama-kun."
Of course he'd known that. That was why her place had become something of a hideout for him when he needed to escape from his escape, Serena, which seemed to be all the time these days. She was glad that she could offer that to him.
She'd begun to clear away the crumbled balls of tissue that littered the low table and placed them in the bin. "While I'm up, did you need more tissue?" she asked.
He scoffed, "What, am I that pathetic?"
She didn't respond to his snark. It was misplaced. He was angry. She'd understood that well enough as well as she'd known that he didn't respond kindly to pity.
"No," she said, returning to her zabuton. "But the way you're going at that bottle I figured I should prepare myself for the waterworks when you proclaim your undying love for me and I shoot you down."
"You wish… Wait a second, I'm really down in the dumps over work and you'd kick me while I was down like that? Guess I had you pegged wrong. Some friend you are." he said, gently nudging her leg under the table with his foot.
"One could argue that I am a good friend because I would kick you while you were down. It's called keeping you on your toes."
"That so?" he chuckled.
There was lengthy silence and a part of her wanted to come straight out and ask: Hey, Akira, are you really upset over work? Isn't this really about Yumi? When you get overwhelmed and share your tears with me over 'work', isn't it really because you're tired of coming second to Kiryu?
When he'd told her that he was beginning to feel that being a yakuza was his true calling in life, she almost didn't want to believe it. However, he'd had enough of being told that he couldn't do x, y or z. It wasn't even that she didn't believe in him. She felt he could excel in anything he put his mind to but with the addition of Kiryu, his light was often dulled.
These days, he seemed to believe that if he could be seen in this suit, in that car, with those stacks of cash and these girls, people would really start to notice him and take him seriously. He didn't need any of that in her eyes.
The yakuza life was not at all the life she'd imagined for him when they were kids. He'd always been such a deeply sensitive boy. It was one of his best qualities, she thought. He might've been tough out in the streets of Kamurocho, but there was something strangely intimate about seeing him cross the threshold of this apartment, shedding those layers and baring his true self to her alone.
She often wondered if Yumi knew this side of him as well or was this their little secret.
He belched loudly, snapping her out of her daze. Frowning, she whined, "Geez, have some manners, Nishikiyama-kun."
"Oh get off my case, will you? You got all weird and quiet so I needed to break the silence… To keep you on your toes."
"What? You didn't need to break the silence. You just love hearing the sound of your own voice. More importantly, Nishikiyama-kun, why are you drinking from the bottle like a barbarian?"
"Eh?! What the- This thing's been there for months collecting dust! Don't act like you care just because you see me drinking it now."
"What if someone else wanted some? You've ruined the bottle."
"Someone, who? No one ever comes here but me! Oh, wait. Were you saving this for one of your 'hot dates'?" he asked, mockingly.
"I have friends other than you, you know?" she said, tossing the tv remote at him hoping he was too drunk to dodge it.
He wasn't.
"Oh yeah? Who?"
She glared at him and he laughed heartily.
"Fine, if you're gonna be a nag about it, I won't drink it anymore… It's cheap anyway."
"I'm sorry, are you trying to insult my tastes? Nishikiyama-kun, you bought it! Or do you suddenly not remember now that you've turned into a Dojima family hotshot?"
"Pfft, no way in hell I bought that."
"Yes way in hell you did."
"Even when I was broke as shit, I had better tastes than that! Clearly you're confusing me with Kiryu."
"No," she said, leaning forward on the table. "I distinctly remember. It was for my housewarming. You gave Kiryu and Yumi a hard time for going halves on a nice bottle of sake. You called them tacky for avoiding paying full price for a friend's gift. Then, when we cracked it open and took shots, you went off on this big rant about how every liquor connoisseur worth his salt has a bottle of this stuff in their cabinets. And theeen, you-"
"Okay, geez. Fine, fine, fine, fine. You win. God, remind me to never commit a crime in front of you. You'd give the cops a damn play by play."
"So, you remember now?"
"Sure."
"Is it still cheap?"
"Maybe it wasn't so bad for the time?"
"Nishikiyama-kun, it was two years ago." she said, matter-of-factly.
"Bah, alright. Enough. Why you gotta remember everything? Also, what's up with you? Nishikiyama-kun this, Nishikiyama-kun that. Just say my name already. I say yours all the time."
You also say Yumi's, she thought.
The truth was, she called him by his given name trillions of times in her head but it was hard to bring herself to say it aloud. This wasn't his first time requesting that she referred to him differently but there was something embarrassing about being the only one in the group to call him by his first name.
She could just imagine it: Inviting the group over for dinner and when she'd go to refill his drink, 'Want more, Akira-kun?' Yumi would quietly go, 'Eh?' Someone would drop their rice bowl for dramatic effect, a silence would soon follow then Kiryu's baritone would disrupt the silence and say what everyone is thinking, 'Akira-kun?'. Even the theatre of her mind was enough to break her out in a cold sweat.
She waved her hand dismissively, "No way am I doing that."
He narrowed his brown eyes at her, beginning to unbutton his flashy silk shirt. "You make it seem like such a weird thing. It's just a name."
"But it's your name." she said, sooner than she'd realized it was aloud.
He paused at the cuffs to look at her, his expression softened for a moment and there was glint in his eyes that she couldn't tell if it was brought on by the alcohol or his sensitivity. Either way, he dipped his head and began to stumble to his feet.
"I'm gonna take a bath." he said, shrugging off his shirt and placing it with his already hanging maroon coat. "Don't even think about touching the cheap shit. I'm finishing it when I get back."
"Oh," she silently blamed the alcohol for it finally hitting her. "Were you sleeping over then, Nishikiyama-kun?"
"Huh? Well, yeah. I can, right?"
In the odd way he'd confirmed, she could tell that she'd briefly confused him. She always discouraged drunk driving and since more often than not, his visits consisted of drinking til the sun came up, this was practically like his second home. They'd even regularly shared her futon. Why wouldn't they?
The five of them along with a bunch of others used to sleep huddled up together all the time until Kazama made renovations to the orphanage that allowed the boys and girls to comfortably sleep separately to respect everyone's changing bodies. Even sometimes as teens. It was never anything suspicious or weird. It just felt safe sleeping next to the only ones they could trust in the world.
Since becoming adults and fully processing her ever blossoming feelings for him, she couldn't help the less than wholesome thoughts that crossed her mind when she'd sleep next to him in her tiny futon. Stiff and back-to-back. Recently, she'd started wishing he'd turn around and hold her close. Then, he'd take her like the girls he'd fuck in one of those health shops he's always teasing Kiryu about.
"Junko?"
"Huh? Oh, right! Yeah. Of course."
His dark hair fell into his face as he staggered and kneeled down in front of her to press his palm against her forehead. She studied his face, the way his impressively neat brows were almost always furrowed, the way his eyes always sparkled after a night of drinking, flecks of red in his whites after crying and the way his lips always seemed to glisten from his constant licking of them.
God, why was he so close to her face?
"You're really burning up and you keep spacing out. Are you sick or something? Want me to run out and grab you some medicine? I don't have to drive. There's a Poppo right down the block if-"
"Relax, doctor. I'm fine. " she said sarcastically, swatting his hand away.
"You want to take the first bath so you can get to bed sooner? You can't afford to get sick."
She shook her head, "It's fine. I'm fine. It's probably just the alcohol. Besides, I bathed just before you got here."
"Alright, if you say so."
"I-I'll prepare the bed then."
"Okay, please do. Thanks."
If he'd thought she had a fever earlier, he'd call an ambulance if he'd touched her now.
Somehow, his bath seemed to further intoxicate him rather than sober him. He'd staggered all over the place and still managed to finish the bottle like he'd promised. In the end, she had to help him brush and blow dry his hair because without her he'd fumble the brush and drop her rather expensive hair dryer. Then with her guidance, he managed to get comfortable on his side of the futon, shirtless. He'd forgotten the top to his pajamas in the car and they were both too drunk to trust themselves running downstairs to grab it.
She bid him good night then proceed to lie next to one another.
Stiff. Back to back.
She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol but there was a nagging ache between her legs that was becoming hard to ignore. Biting her lip, she prayed for a deep sleep to find her, fast. As fast as it'd found him. He was already snoring and she hated herself for thinking so indecently while the guy was just trying to sleep in peace.
If it was possible, someone out there heard her prayers and soon, she, too, was sleeping soundly.
Hours later, she woke up to the feeling of Nishikiyama nudging her side with the back of his elbow and whispering her name.
"Eh? Huh? Wha-What's wrong?!" she woke in a panic.
He shushed, "Relax. Nothing's wrong. I just got bored of laying here thinking in the quiet alone."
"What the hell?" she groaned, "I thought you were asleep."
"I was but then I woke up to take a leak."
"A normal person would just go back to sleep."
"Get off my back. Maybe I just wanted to talk to you."
"...Are you insane? We can talk in the morning. Good night, Nishikiyama-kun."
"It's Akira…"
After all the trouble she had falling asleep, she didn't appreciate being woken up. He'd known her well enough to know she'd get grumpy. Unless he was dying in his sleep or the apartment was on fire, she would ignore him and hope he'd get the picture. It seemed to work for a while. She was slowly drifting back into a peaceful sleep until he'd once again startled her with the depth of his voice.
"Remember how we used to stay awake all night as kids and talk about life?"
She didn't smell smoke and he seemed pretty alive to her.
"Cocky little shits we all were, huh? Talking about the meaning of life, the reason for the stars in the sky. Faith and marriages. Pfft. We really thought we had shit figured out back then… But, in the end, we didn't really know anything."
The tone in voice made her realize that he wasn't trying to be a pest. He'd had something on his chest that he'd needed to let out. Perhaps the talking she'd done over drinks wasn't enough.
"Even now… We all think that we know what we're doing. When in reality, we're still those same snot nosed kids…"
She still didn't speak up but that didn't deter him from continuing.
"I'm still the punk who acted out because he felt like garbage because his parents didn't want him." he said, through a deep breath. "Mad at the world that doesn't want him."
Despite the darkness filling the room and their backs pressed against one another's, she knew that he might've been on the verge of tears again. This realization shoved sleep out of her priorities. Just as she often did, dating back to when they were kids, she discreetly removed one of her arms from under the comforter to tap his side. And just as he often did, he slid out the arm she tapped and allowed her to take his hand.
Now they lie there together.
Back to back but hand-in-hand.
"Hey, Junko. Did you mean it? What you'd told me all those years back, that there'll always be someone close by that wants me around?"
"Of course." she said, softly.
"Do you really think that's true?"
"I know it is."
"I wonder… Sometimes, I wonder."
She squeezed his hand tightly.
"As long as I'm alive, Nishikiyama-kun, I'll always want you close by. The others, too. We all love you. We all-"
He snatched his hand away from her and long silence followed. This time it made her feel a little anxious. She were worried that she'd somehow said something wrong. She called him.
"Right now, I don't want to think about the others. I wanna know what you think… Would you want me around without them?"
Am I, alone, important enough to you? Am I strong enough to stand on my own? Am I good enough without Kiryu?
"Are you kidding? I go weeks at a time without hearing from those two but a day or two without you is a day or two too long. We all came to Tokyo together, but if you left, I'd leave too. If you were the only one left here, I'd stay too. If it weren't for you, I'd never have lasted this long in a place as lonely as this."
He sniffled and she could feel him moving. He was wiping his face no doubt.
"You probably think I'm so uncool now, right? Crying before, during and after a night of drinking."
"Oh, I've always thought you were uncool but the crying had nothing to do with it."
He chuckled and playfully kicked her underneath the cover.
"I know I tease you a lot but I've always appreciated that you allow yourself to feel things, especially sadness."
"Heh, you keep saying that. I think I've always loved that about you… Thanks for letting me be myself around you."
She nodded her head but of course he didn't see her. Her heart felt like it was going to flop out of her chest when he used words like that. She told herself time and time again that it wasn't intentional, that there was a word bank out there that the two of them used differently.
"Junko," remember when we were kids and I'd get super lame like this, every now and then, when no one else was around, we snuggled up together?"
She didn't answer him. This time, she wasn't prioritizing him or sleeping. She was prioritizing her breathing and heart rate. When she felt him shift in the futon, those priorities were futile. He took the liberty of placing a chunk of the comforter between her bottom and his pelvis, to create a barrier when he snuggled up to her. Wordlessly letting her that his intentions were pure, he'd needed to hold his friend. His safe haven.
"Just for a little while… We can, right?" he whispered.
Still, she couldn't manage a peep. Only a nod.
On the inside, she was begging him to let go of her, to turn back around to his side of the futon and go back to sleep because this platonic hold was not registering as such in her lovesick mind.
"Oh wow. Your heart is going crazy right now. You want me to stop?" he whispered, slowly removing his arm from around her.
But, almost as if it had a mind of its own, her hand grabbed his hand and held it there.
"I… don't want you to go." she said, hoping she didn't sound as pathetic as she thought.
"I'm not going anywhere. I was just going to let go of you."
"It's okay. I want you to keep holding me. For a little while, right?"
There was a layer of sweetness in those words and reminding of the lovely things she'd say, the ones that made his heart do somersaults in his chest. It made him hold her tighter. He wondered if she'd felt safe there in his arms, like he did.
It had been a while. He didn't want to ask too quickly and risk embarrassing her or come off as if he was making a pass at her but she'd placed his hand right onto one of her breasts.
He'd truly went into this with the purest of intentions. Holding her like this made his anxieties disappear. He was enjoying her warmth, taking her in. But he'd be lying if he said that there wasn't a part of him that was grateful for the cushiony barrier he'd placed between them. That part of him was very much aware of the beautiful woman she blossomed into, the beautiful woman whose breast he'd very much wanted to squeeze.
"Junko." he whispered, his voice hitching in his throat. "Thanks, I think I'm ready to turn back around now."
"Hm? O-oh, okay."
He was on his side of the futon in one swift, awkward motion and they were once again back-to-back.
Almost as if they'd agreed to do so, they both let out heavy sighs of relief.
In trying to determine the purpose of the other's sigh, a silence was in effect and coated with thick tension. They experienced this tension before but never with each other, only when they were laying this close with other people.
"Hey, Junko… Can I kiss you?"
. . .
. . . .
. . . . .
"Eh?"