Queer Eye for This Snape Guy

by Rosalie Kay

The Fab 5 attempt to make-better Severus Snape. Snape has been nominated by Dumbledore, who may just be trying to stir up drama. Will the intrepid spirits of the Fab Five win over the pouty potions master? How will the Half-Blood Prince deal with their relentless positivity? What happens when someone who's never been cared for meets the Queens of Caring?

Queer Eye for a Snape Guy

Int. Black SUV. Karamo drives, Tan sits front passenger side with JONATHAN VAN NESS (JVN) in the center back reading from a tablet, Bobby on his right, and Antoni on his left.

JVN: Well ladies, are we ready to meet our fantastic hero for this week?

All Fab Five: Yaaaaas!

JVN: Yas! Our ah-gorgeous hero is in his mid-thirties, he's a full-time teacher, and is nominated by his boss, the school's headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.

Antoni: You know, the headmaster was my nickname back in college.

(General ruckus erupts among the Fab Five)

JVN: According to Dumbledore our guy is, quote "a greasy mess of baggage and bad moods," end quote.

Karamo (driving): Oh okay, we have to do something about that!

JVN: 17 years ago, his high school crush married his worst nemesis and then tragically died!? Oh aww nooo! leaving behind an infant son. And he is still hung up on her?

All: Nu-uh, no, unacceptable!

JVN: He lives at the school, which is in a magnificent antique castle – that's perfect for a bunch of queens, honey – but Dumbledore describes his quarters as "dark and gloomy, with a mild serial killer atmosphere." Yuck!

Bobby: Well, that's not gonna help ya move on anytime soon. Where's the romance supposed to happen in a place like that? Nuh-uh, nope.

JVN: His personal care routine is a-virtually non-existent, he wears the same baggy, black outfit every day, and even though he spends his whole life working over a hot stove, he hasn't cooked for himself in years. Our mission? Let's bring the Magic back into Severus Snape's schoolroom!

All: Yeah! Yes, honey!

Cut to Queer Eye-Opening Theme

The SUV turns onto a rural English road and continues over a drawbridge. Past the next hill, a grand medieval castle comes into view.

Tan: Not a bad setup!

Bobby: Okay, I can work with this!

All: Nice, swanky, yas queen!

Cut to interior of the castle, dungeon hallway outside of a heavy, wooden door with the fab 5 and Dumbledore.

Karamo: (whispering) okay Albus, we're here outside of Snape's classroom getting ready to surprise him, right?

AD: That's right, my good man! Class is in session and the students are just finishing up a double potions block with Gryffindor and Slytherin.

Tan: And those are, like, the rival teams here, aren't they?

AD: Oh yes, they always have been. Between you and me, I always put them in double potions class together because I simply love to stir up drama, hoo hoo hoo!

(The fab five playfully chastise Dumbledore for his minor catty behavior.)

Karamo: Alright fab five, are we ready to meet our hero?

All: Yaaas!

KARAMO: Here we go, three, two, one...(opening door, which squeals loudly as the fab five enter the dungeon classroom with enormous energy).

All: Hello Hogwarts! Hey, hello

(High-fives are exchanged from surprised students to Fab Five, some stand to hug their favorite guy. Lavender Brown has begun to weep over holding hands with Antoni, who sweetly smiles and greats his fan. Karamo heads straight for the front of the classroom, distributing high-fives down the center row on both sides as he goes, and approaches Snape, who stands irritably behind his lecture podium, eyes narrowed, teeth clenched, starring daggers at Dumbledore. Dumbledore smiles innocently, watching the scene unfolding amongst the students.)

KARAMO: Hi Professor Snape, I'm Karamo! It's great to meet you (holding out his hand for a shake, then turning it into a shoulder oh pat at the last minute when Snape doesn't return the gesture.) Are you surprised!?

Snape: Unpleasantly so.

(The Fab Five have now surrounded Snape, who looks increasingly uncomfortable at their proximity and friendly demeanors.)

KARAMO: Do you know why we're here?

Snape: Something to do with Albus meddling in my affairs, I'm sure.

Fab Five laugh this off.

KARAMO: (Laughing) Well, yeah, kind of. Your friend and mentor, Albus has nominated you for a total life make better! So for the next five days, we are going to be your lovely gay gurus into a more positive, productive, effective, and fabulous life. What do you say?

Snape: I suppose there's no point in refusing?

Dumbledore: Not if you want to keep your job!

Snape: (Defeated) Very well, then.

Fab Five: Yas! Woo, let's do this!

KARAMO: Well, okay! Let's take a look at the rest of your place!

JVN: (Turning to the podium, grabbing an old-fashioned pointer for the chalkboard, and banging it like a gavel) m'kay my lovely baby students, class is dismissed! We're going to go torture your teacher for a change!

The class scurries to gather their things and leave the dungeon before we cut to follow Snape and the Fab Five shuffling through the door in the back which leads to Snape's office.

Bobby: I gotta tell you, I'm getting a real "deep-dark dungeon" vibe in here.

Snape: That would be because (Pause, glancing at JVN who's eyeing his head like an Acromantula) it's a dungeon.

Bobby Talking Head: That place was scary. Like, Jigsaw Killer, no life, home on the weekends crying about Lilly and torturing puppies… scary.

Bobby (to Snape): Well, we can take care of that. You know, even with an underground space, there's a lot you can do to bring in some more natural light and make it homier. I can't tell you what adorable underground homes I saw working in The Shire, and I'm sure we could do something like that in here.

Snape: That's not n-

JVN: Can I play with your hair a bit, honey?

Snape: Uh I guess-(JVN begins running fingers through his long, unwashed, black hair. Meanwhile the Rest of the Fab Five are rifling through his things.)

Antoni: (Head in a pantry next to Snape's desk) I see lacewing flies, bezoars, some eye of newt, St. John's Wort, everything except, you know (Turning to face the camera) actual food.

Tan: (Having found a tall coatrack, Tan grabs one cloak after another and tosses each onto the floor as if displeased.) Black! Black! Black! Black, I'm all for couture, but how many black cloaks does one man need? I mean, really?

Karamo: (Wearing a pointed black hat with a brim over top a black handkerchief, which looks suspiciously similar to Snape's hair, and speaking to Bobby in a fake, over-pronounced British accent) Turn to page three-hundred and ninety-four!

(Pan back to Snape and JVN while the guys continue to invade his office)

JVN: (Fingers catching snares in Snape's rat's nest of a head) You know, I get not wanting to wash your hair every day. I mean it's healthier and you're a busy schoolteacher! Sure! You're probably grading papers and chaperoning dances and judging Quidditch matches. But, girl, we have to do something about this grease. It's…it's just not a good look.

JVN Talking Head: I know, we've got the long hair, we're loving it, we're living our best bachelor life, but have we never heard of dry shampoo?

Antoni Talking Head: I really think we have our work cut out for us this time.

(Cut back to the office Bobby and Karamo approach JVN and Snape, K still wearing his headdress).

Bobby: Okay professor, I need you to take me around the rest of your quarters while my lovely Karamo here talks to Dumbledore one-on-one.

Snape: (Relieved to be rid of JVN's touchiness) By all means.

Karamo: Okay? Okay! Let's do this, come on. (Escorting Dumbledore back through the classroom door, while Bobby and Snape continue through another door leading to the bedroom).

Int. Snape's Dungeon classroom with Karamo and Albus sitting in student desks, turned toward each other. The tone has become more serious, and K has placed the pointed hat on the desk, signaling his maturity and gravitas.

Karamo: So why did you nominate Severus for this experience?

Dumbledore: Professor Snape is a really smart and capable man. But this obsession with Lilly-

Karamo: His crush who passed away?

D: Right, the obsession, it just seems to be holding him back. I think that's why he doesn't take care of himself, and he's mean to a lot of the students, especially her son. He doesn't believe he's worthy.

KARAMO: Of love?

D: Yes, of love, even of life! Like he's the one who died instead of her. I just want him to remember that he's alive and can live life to the fullest. Maybe if he learns to take care of himself, and to see himself as a valuable wizard outside of that relationship.

Karamo: What do you think will change if he can learn to see himself that way?

Dumbledore: Everything. Professor Snape has the potential to save the world. He's already saved my life. With a little more faith in himself, nothing's out of reach.

KARAMO: (Nodding, smiling) Wow, that's big.

Cut to Snape and Bobby touring the bedroom. Int, a shabby, dingy room with a single lightbulb suspended above a squeaky old aluminum framed bed with a dirty wool blanket, threadbare in some places, and a dark wooden wardrobe. Antoni and Tan are peaking in. JVN is searching the wardrobe, trying to find a single self-care product.

JVN: (Aside, opening/closing drawers) No soap, no sunscreen, no product, no comb. Do we want to stay forever alone?

Bobby: So this is where the magic happens.

Snape: Actually, the entire school is magic.

Bobby: Well…yes, but…never mind. Anyway, do we like the interior in here?

Snape: I could not care less about how it is decorated. Don't any of you have anything important to do with your lives?

JVN: Oooh she's a feisty one!

Bobby: The weird thing I'm noticing, so you have a classroom, AKA workspace, and an office, another workspace, and a bedroom, so this seems to be the only personal space that's really yours, and yet nothing about this room tells me anything about who you are.

Snape: That's kind of the point.

Bobby: Well, you certainly are an enigma! (All sans Snape, laughing) So I guess that this nothing of a space kinda does suit you in that way.

Bobby Talking Head: C'mon, with that depressing little bedroom? We all deserve a place where we can lay down our heads after a day of hard work and say, "this is mine," especially when we live and work in the same place.

Antoni: Speaking of spaces, I'm not seeing anywhere to relax and eat a good meal. What's the deal with that?

Snape: The school provides room and board for the faculty and students.

Antoni: Okay, so you don't have to cook, but I see all of these cooking supplies everywhere. Is it safe to say that you have some passion for cooking?

Snape: I'm the potions teacher. I make potions.

Antoni: I'm going to take that as a yes! How about this, we are going to have a reception for the winner of the Quidditch cup at the end of the week. I understand your House, Slytherin, is in the running for that award. So, what if you and I cook up something amazing to serve your students at the reception while you debut your new look? Doesn't that sound fun!?

Snape: I'm going to tolerate whatever because my job is at stake here.

Antoni: Yeah, that's the spirit! Let's get to it! Woo!

Cut to scenes of the Fab Five performing various tasks in their field that may or may not be generally related to the current episode of the show, probably pre-filmed before any of this took place and interspersed with talking heads from each of the guys.

Bobby: There's no way anyone could recover from a lost love in that depressing dungeon he lives in. We're going to take his interior from spooky to spellbinding, and I can't wait to get started!

JVN: Not taking care of yourself is often a sign that something doesn't feel right on the inside. I want to help polish up and elevate his look, to help him feel fantastic and worthy of love just by being himself! Except cleaner and better smelling.

Antoni: Cooking for others is a great way to show you care. His grouchy demeanor has been holding him back for too long, and I think serving a beautiful meal for his students and peers could really go a long way to forming some much-needed friendships.

Karamo: He's young, he's brilliant, he's British, he's ready. This man has got to get over Lilly Potter and start looking toward the future. I know he can get past the past and get the Magic back, baby!

Transition music that sounds like a club anthem with the tagline "All things just keep getting better…"

DAY ONE – Lather, Rinse, Restart!

Ext. Hogsmead Village on a Snowy Morning, in front of a cottage-esque cobblestone building with multi-colored smoke billowing from a small, iron chimney. JVN looks like a 1940s Old Hollywood Starlet, wrapped in faux fur and high-heeled boots. Snape is greasy and wearing a black cloak over black trousers.

JVN: Now, we normally don't start with the hair because we're all about the dramatic reveal, but honey, I could not stand to let this go on for one more minute, so we're seeing one of my lovely friends, the Witchdoctor of hair emergencies. Or as I call them, hair-mergencies. Let's go in!

Snape is begrudgingly shuffled inside the cobblestone shop. The interior resembles a typical muggle hair salon with three barber's chairs and a row of hooded hairdryers, except the hairdryers have encircled their occupants with glittering multi-colored smoke of the same shades which emanated from the chimney outside. Also, there's a werewolf getting his face shaved in one of the chairs, and in the second a stylist is chasing a rolling mole around another witch's face with tweezers as the mole squeals "please don't remove me! I want to live! This face is all I have!"

JVN Leads snape to the third, empty barber's chair. The Hairstylist walks up behind Snape's chare, reflected in the mirror, next to JVN. She has moving Snakes covering her head ala Medusa, and 11 hoop piercings of increasing size moving up the bridge of her nose.

JVN: I know what you're thinking, but don't be afraid to look her in the eye. Severus, this is Madam Madeline Usar, the Hair Witchdoctor. She's going to help me out today with a little hair treatment.

Madeline: That's right! Jonathan, it's wonderful to see you again, darling.

JVN: (Holding both of her hands and kissing each cheek, while the hair-snakes nip at his ears.) I'm just so excited about what we're planning, aren't you?

Madeline: I sure am! Shall we get started?

Snape: If we must.

JVN: (Picking up a greasy lock of Snape's hair) We must.

Cut to the back of the shop where Snape's head dangles over a sink, covered in suds. Bubbles float up every so often, making loud cracks and small flashes of light each time one pops. Madeline wears safety goggles (a mini pair of which she has also placed on each of her snake-hair heads) and dragon skin gloves to massage the product on Snape's scalp. JVN stands close by, observing giddily.

JVN: Now, what I love about this product, (He flinches as a soap bubble cracks near his head) is that it stays in your hair and continuously cleans for up to six months. (Two more bubbles burst in quick succession.) Right, Maddy?

Madeline: Exactly, (CRACK) Snape, this is perfect for your busy schedule. You won't even have to worry about haircare until you come back to see me in a few months!

JVN: Which I have scheduled in advance, by the way. With these wonderful shampoo options, I never want to see your poor baby hair that dirty ever again, yes?

Snape: This…actually is rather…relaxing. Why not? I suppose I will see you again soon, Madam Madeline.

Cut to Bobby back in Snape's Dungeons. He's delegating to a crew of house-elves, who're levitating paint rollers, showing Bobby sample options, and breaking up the stone tiles of the classroom. Tan enters, a small, decorative yellow hardhat placed daintily atop his immovable classic Tan France quaff.

Bobby: Oh perfect, Tan, you're just the guy I wanted to see. Loving the hat!

Tan: Well, thank you (patting at his hair like a 1960s flip). You know, you should always wear the correct PPE to a construction site.

Bobby: Speaking of things you wear, Tan, I need some help designing this closet. At the moment the man has basically zero storage space for his clothes.

Tan: You know, that's pretty typical here in the UK, and actually in much of Europe, we don't usually have built-in closets, and just put everything in wardrobes like the one he had.

Bobby: Right, but I don't want this remodel to just give him another average dungeon home. I'm thinking about elevating this to a whole new level.

Tan: But don't you think there's going to be somewhat of a space issue? I mean, his bedroom's basically the size of some US closets.

Bobby: And that's where my little friends here come in (indicating the house elves).

Tan: Oh, are we going to build in some more storage space?

Bobby: Something like that.

Cut back to the Salon in Hogsmead with JVN, Snape, and Madeline. Snape sits in the barber's chair again, with damp hair that JVN can't keep his hands off of.

JVN: (In his Steel Magnolias or Golden Girls or whatever voice) Oh, honey I just love that soft, clean teacher hair!

Snape: (Only slightly less wary and glowering than usual) Dare I ask what you have planned for me next?

JVN: Oh sweety, you do dare! But I'm not going to tell you! You're going to have to trust me and let her be a little baby surprise!

Snape: (Being turned away from the mirror by Madeline) Must we really do this, though? I've had the same hair since I was 10 years old!

JVN: (Glancing conspiratorially at Madeline) Well then this is WAY overdue, honey. Now just sit still and relax while I make you look as sexy as you really are! (Beginning to trim) Oh, I could get lost in those big, tall arms making sweet, sweet magic with our potions master, girl!

Montage of the haircut and Snape beginning to glower again.

JVN: So this girl that you're stuck on, how long did you two date?

Snape: Alas, she was never mine.

JVN: You mean you've been pining over her for like twenty years, and you never even dated this lady? Sweetheart, I can't tell if that's romantic or pathetic, ya know!?

Snape: (Chuckles once despite himself, then coughs as a cover). Well, uh, In my defense, she was my best friend from age 10.

JVN: Which maybe explains the style paralysis, hm?

Snape: (Blushing) It might.

JVN: Okay so if she's your best friend, she obviously liked you at least a little, why didn't you make a move?

Snape: I could never have explained it to my family. She was beneath me. She was a mud- (Madeline and JVN stare daggers at Snape, who pivots in time to avoid the slur). She was of a different status than I.

JVN: Sounds like you loved the fantasy of her more than you actually loved her.

Snape: How dare you!

JVN: Why else would you care about status more than love?

Snape (Faltering): I…I was a fool. I drove her away.

JVN: We all do those things in relationships, hon. But then we get a haircut, learn our lesson, and move on. There are plenty more grindylows in the lake. And speaking of haircuts, are you ready to see your new look?

Snape: Let's just get on with it.

JVN Turns the chair around, revealing that Snape's signature long, straight, black bob has been transformed into a handsome, styled, above-the-shoulder layered look. Picture Christ Hemsworth between Thors.

Snape: (brief shocked silence) Well…

JVN: Do we LOVE it? (Tossing and playing with the clean, new look). We've got body, we've got movement, we've got style. And we're framing your gorgeous English face and drawing attention away from some of those sharp features. What do you think?

Snape: I don't know what to say. It's certainly a change, but I like that you left some of the length.

JVN: Exactly, baby! I'm not about undoing someone's signature look. But this gives you a bit more style, just a little something to play with, and maybe the courage to change things up once in a while. It's not the end of the world to get a new haircut, right?

Snape: (Half smiling despite himself) I can see that. Yes, it's…(cough)…good!

JVN: Oh WOW, she CAN smile! I was wondering if you had mouth paralysis or something. And look, he's a HANDSOME smile too!

Enter Karamo.

KARAMO: Look, at, yooou! Who is that gorgeous man in the mirror, smiling like he knows he handsome?

JVN: Do you love it?

KARAMO: Ooo, He looks so fresh and clean! Are you into loving it, Sev?

Snape: (Uncomfortable with feeling flattered, coughing again) Hem, yes. Well it's very nice, isn't it?

KARAMO: That's the most stiff-upper-lipped British understatement I've ever heard. Lemme hear you say, I look GOOD.

Snape: I look, hem, uh good.

KARAMO: Naw, say I look GOOD!

Snape: I look good.

KARAMO: Closer, I look GOOD!

Snape: I look good!

KARAMO: Good enough. Now I gotta get you to our next appointment. Jonathan, baby, you did it again! You're amazing. (Embracing JVN)

JVN: Oh, Karamo, I'm blushing! Have fun with Antoni! See you Sevvy!

Snape: Until next time, Madeline. Thank you.

KARAMO: (Ushering Snape out of the door). Bye, bye! See you soon!

Ext. Hogsmead cobblestone walking path lined with snow. Now sporting a matching houndstooth hat and scarf, Karamo has his hands stuffed into the pockets of his double-breasted emerald peacoat, shoulders scrunched up against the cold. Snape keeps absentmindedly running a hand through his new haircut like he can't resist the urge to touch the unfamiliar shape and weight of clean, styled hair.

Karamo: You know where we're going next?

Snape: I haven't the foggiest idea.

KARAMO Well, we're going to meet Antoni for a taste-test of some local cuisine to inspire your end-of-the-week feast. But there's one more thing there I think you'll be interested in. Let's go.

Karamo and Snape walk a few more blocks before turning into a familiar Pub, The Three Broomsticks.

Int. Three Broomsticks. Antoni sits alone at the bar, with several steaming dishes placed in front of him. When Karamo and Snape enter, Antoni hops down from the barstool to greet them. Friendly greetings are exchanged.

Snape: What might that bewitching odor be?

Antoni: I'm glad you asked, Severus because I have here three of Rosmerta's most popular stews and a loaf of her famous Rosemary and Sage Soda Bread for us to try. Have you had them before?

Snape: Of course, Madam Rosmerta's cooking has won over the entire village.

Karamo: (Hushed) I hear that's not all she's won over!

Snape: (Irritated and embarrassed by the implication) I cannot imagine what you mean.

Karamo: Nevermind, buddy. (Moving toward the counter) Let's get into this food; it all looks amazing!

(They each take a seat at the bar with Snape in the middle, Karamo on the left, and Antoni on the right.)

Antoni: It does look amazing, doesn't it? And, get this, Rosmerta has agreed to let us recreate one of her signature stews for the Reception, and she's even bringing her famous Soda Bread to serve it with! So let's get started, right? But I think we could use a little direction with these varieties, how about you? Yeah?

Enter Rosmerta behind the bar.

Rosmerta: Hi, Severus, it's nice to see you again.

Snape: (Bowing his head slightly) Madam.

Rosmerta: What a nice haircut! It suits you.

(Karamo and Antoni exchange a significant glance).

Snape: (Running a hand through the unfamiliar style again) Ah, yes. I just came from the barber. Uh, thank you.

Antoni: So what do you have here for us Rose?

Rosmerta: Well, three of my classic pub stews. First is a Barley and Beef stew with my specialty three-alarm salamander stock-

Antoni: -And you make the stock from scratch?

Rosmerta: Oh yes, all of this is made from scratch in the house by me and the house-elves. So, then we have our hearty seafood chowder with freshwater clams and rainbow trout from the black lake.

Karamo: Look at those colors! (Holding up a spoonful of chowder with a chunk of color-shifting magical rainbow trout).

Rosmerta: Yes, that one is quite a crowd-pleaser at parties. Really lights up a room…literally! And finally, we have our vegetable and venison stew in a thick brandy sauce.

Snape: (Through a mouthful of soup and bread) That's the one!

Antoni: Are you sure? We could take a while to mull it over if you want.

Snape: Nope, venison's got to be it. We're going with venison.

Rosmerta: (Laughing pleasantly) Severus is a man who knows what he wants, after all! Well, I'll let you three enjoy your lunch. I have some cleaning to do in the kitchens if you'll excuse me. But I'll see you tomorrow so I can teach you my secret recipe!

All: Goodbye, see you tomorrow, thanks.

The three men continue eating, but soon the scene transitions into post-meal real talk.

Karamo: Come on Sev, you can admit you like Rosmerta. She's a beautiful woman! And, in fact, I have a witness who is prepared to swear an Unbreakable Vow that you've "taken a fancy to her."

Dumbledore suddenly apparates right behind Snape with a crack that makes everyone flinch and cover their ears.

Dumbledore: Quite a fancy, indeed, if I might say! Haha!

Snape: How DARE you insinuate that I would-

-Dumbledore: Oh but I don't insinuate, Professor! After all, things can be cleared up quite easily! Shall we take a look in the pensive and see for ourselves just what it was you said about her last weekend?

Snape: (through gritted teeth) That won't be necessary, sir. I had drunk one too many fire whiskies, and I'm afraid my tongue got away from me.

Dumbledore: (Imitating Snape's voice flawlessly by magic) Rosmerta's a fine woman, don't you think, Alby? A fine, fine woman who would make a fine sort of wife.

Snape: How humiliating!

Karamo: So what are you waiting for, Sev? Why haven't you asked her out yet?

Snape: (Hanging his head) It... would feel like a betrayal. To court another woman.

Karamo: I understand that Lilly was important to you. But you have to start doing what's best for you. And you are never going to be able to live your best life if you refuse to let go of the past.

Snape: I cannot. I cannot bear it.

Karamo: Losing people is hard, I know. But Lilly was your best friend, right?

Snape: For more than half of my life.

Karamo: Yes, and if there's one thing I know about losing the ones we loved, it's that they only want the best for us. I don't think Lilly would have wanted you to be stuck like this, would she?

Snape (A single tear escaping, his voice low and breaking with emotion. He inhales sharply before saying): No, of course not, Karamo. Lilly's generous heart wanted only the best for my life. Even after we grew apart, she wrote that she wished me joy.

(Silence for a beat. Snape buries his face in his hands. Karamo rubs his back supportively. Antoni places a hand on his shoulder.)

Karamo: Do you think she wants you to move on from her, Severus?

Snape (Wiping his nose on the sleeve of his cloak because he's still a dirty mother-freaking hot mess): She would! I think she would.

Karamo: Are you ready to take the next step?

Snape: (Takes a deep breath and wipes his snot on his sleeve again) I'm getting there. I'll be ready soon. Perhaps I can take a baby step.

Karamo: That's all you need, Sev, that's all you need! We can work with that. And you know what I think that baby step should be?

Snape: What?

Karamo: Tomorrow, after your cooking lesson, you're going to ask Madam Rosmerta out on a date with you. How about that?

Snape: What kind of baby step is that? A Troll baby?

Karamo: You can do this! You're young, you're smart, you got a hot new hairdo – you're ready!

Snape: Am I ready?

Karamo: We'll you've got a whole day to decide!

Snape: I can do that. I'll consider it.

Day Two – Sayonara Inferior Interior!

Int Bobby and Snape in the middle of Snape's worst nightmare – a pottery barn.

Bobby: So, Sev, I am all for decorating with black. Simple, classic, never going out of style, love it. Buuut if you're decorating with black, we need to bring in some brighter, softer styles as well to avoid the whole depressing dungeon aesthetic.

Snape: Again, it is a dungeon.

Bobby: No reason to let it feel like you're living in a dungeon though, right? So, right now we're very monotone, we're very one-note, and then even striking, powerful black starts to feel a bit blah, right?

Snape: If you say so.

Bobby: I do. Look, you're a striking, powerful dude yourself. I get why you're drawn to it, but let's see what else we can do with black when we bring in some other colors.

Bobby leads Snape around the store pointing out various pieces. Snape is perceptibly bored. Eventually, they stop in front of a rug with Pollock-esque splatter painted in iridescent red, hung from on the wall.

Bobby: See, here's a perfect example of what I mean. Black by itself, just a monochrome rug. Black with red spatter and it looks like-

Snape: The blood of my vanquished enemies.

Bobby: …suuure. Yeah, okay. But it's more striking than a black rug on a grayscale floor, right?

Snape (grabbing the rug like a victory shawl): Now this, this will intimidate the children. No one will talk back to the teacher with blood-stained floors.

Bobby (desperately hoping this is a joke, and if not, maybe he can turn it into one with his forced laughter): Ha! Haha haha…haha, yeah. Um, and also, the pattern makes it totally stain-resistant, which is a real must-have in a hands-on classroom like yours. (Nervous sidewise glance at Snape).

Cut to Ext. of The Three Broomsticks with Antoni and Snape

Antoni: Ready to do some cooking? Not nervous, are we?

Snape: I work with deadly substances and children every day. How could simple stew preparation rattle a Potions Master such as myself?

Antoni: You must be forgetting your other assignment, then, hu?

Snape (Crestfallen): Oh, uh…no…I have considered it, as I promised.

Antoni: That's great! I can't wait to see what's going to happen! Let's go! (Opening the door to the pub) After you, Severus!

Interior, Three Broomsticks Pub. Looks like a commercial kitchen got eaten by a medieval stable.

Rosmerta: Welcome back, gents!

Antoni: Thank you for having us here, we're so excited to learn your special recipes.

Rosmerta: That's "recipe", singular! I won't give up more than that! And I'll have to write down the really secret bits just for you.

Antoni/Snape: Oh of course, sure, makes sense.

Rosmerta: So, starting with this lovely venison chuck I've measured out for you. We're going to triple this for the Reception, but for now, we're just going to brown what we got here…

Rosmerta guides them through the steps of a fairly basic vegetable stew.

Antoni: And now, I'm adding the secret ingredients, which I'm not allowed to tell you, shhh (placing a finger alluringly to his lips, because that's how he does everything in life).

Closeup on a simmering pot of stew with large cubes of game meat, potatoes and carrots, peas, celery, and such.

Rose: Well, give it a stir, Sev, what do you think?

Snape: (Stirring with a wooden spoon) Heavenly, Rose. It's simply Heavenly.

Antoni: I couldn't agree more, Severus. Actually, I have a bit of a surprise to go with it. Give me a few minutes to set it up in the dining room, and don't say anything important without me!

Antoni exists. We follow him briefly to a nearby booth where a wicker picnic basket has been set. Antoni begins to lay a table for two with a gingham tablecloth, lace table settings, large soup bowls, chunks of hearty-looking seed loaf, salad plates complete with an arugula and strawberry salad, and a decanter full of burgundy. He winks alluringly at the "camera" because that's how he does everything in his life.

Antoni: (While lighting a candle) Just to set the proper mood (and he raises one eyebrow, again, alluringly, crosses back to the kitchen door and peeks his head inside, where Rosmerta and Snape are having a slightly uncomfortable, disjointed conversation.)

Antoni: We're ready for you! And bring the soup!

The two follow Antoni out to their prepared table. Antoni tucks a stray towel into his apron, like the most alluring head waiter in existence, and begins to pour them both glasses of burgundy. With allure.

Antoni: This robust beverage should complement the red meat in our stew, and I've provided some additional serving ideas of my own – a beautiful heart-healthy multigrain gluten-free bread of my own recipe, and this refreshing summer salad. Enjoy. And feel free to discuss anything you may have on your mind. (He winks at Snape. The wink is alluring. And then leaves them "alone" with the entire, un-nosey, not at all intrusive film crew.)

Snape: Well, (clears throat) this is…nice. Isn't it?

Rosmerta: Absolutely, any time I'm not the one serving is nice.

Snape lifting his wine glass: A toast?

Rosmerta (raising hers obligingly): What shall we toast to?

Snape: How about…to new beginnings.

Rosmerta: Here, here!

The clink of their glasses signals the end of this scene. We cut to the end of their meal. Snape is visibly nervous.

Snape: Ah, say, Rose?

Rosmerta: Yes, Sev?

Snape: How long have we known one another?

Rose: Oh, at least ten years or more!

Snape: Quite a long time.

Rose: Aye, I suppose it is.

Snape: Would you consider the two of us friends?

Rose: Well, yeah, we're friendly enough.

Snape: I see. So, we get along, right?

Rose: (With hesitation) Right…What are you getting at, Sev?

Snape: Ah, er…Madam R- I Mean, Rose, what would you think about us…you know. Getting a drink together sometime?

Rose: Yeah.

Snape: Yeah?

Rose: Yeah, as long as it's somewhere I don't own! (Both laughing)

Day Three – Back Not in Black

Int. Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions with Tan and Snape. Snape stands on a tailor's block being intrusively measured by Madam Malkin's magical self-measuring tape.

Tan: Severus, I've brought you here because Madam Malkin makes custom robes for all sorts of stylish wizards. Who are your fashion icons, Severus?

Snape: The Grimm Reaper always appealed to me.

Tan: Ah, well, I can see that. What else you got?

Snape: That muggle Steve Jobs.

Tan: Because he wore the same thing every day?

Snape: And in black.

Tan: Alright. Who else?

Snape: Darth Vader-

Tan: Okay, never mind with style icons. What kinds of activities do you want to participate in? What events might come up that you'll want to be ready for?

Snape: Teaching.

Tan: Yeah

Snape: Giving detention.

Tan: Sure

Snape: Hosting detention.

Tan: Right. Pause. Well, what about this date you have coming up? What do you think Rosmerta might think is hot?

Snape: Black cloaks are always hot.

Tan (squeezing the bridge of his nose as if to dispel a headache): Uh-hu

Snape: Because they're-

Tan: Yeah, hot. I get it.

Snape: They're heavy, you see. Keep you warm.

Tan: …

Snape: …

Tan: Just for fun, let's try something you haven't been wearing every day for the last 35 years.

Snape: I fail to see what that will accomplish, but okay.

Cut. Snape steps out of a dressing room in an exquisite white tailcoat, white tie, silk cape, and top hat, with emerald slacks and cummerbund and a crystal handled walking stick. It's at once entirely too much and yet so perfect for him, and he knows it.

Tan: Look at you!

Snape: It certainly is different.

Tan: Not a stitch of black on you. But you look classic, dare I say handsome. Come look (Guiding him in front of a mirror), with the green trouser, we're bringing in your house pride without letting it overpower the outfit. We're going formal, but no need to hide away in black, and look, you can still make a dramatic entrance or exit with the cape, but you're not hiding in an enormous traveling cloak! What do you think?

Snape: It's ostentatious. But in a good way?

Tan: Yas! I love that! Fashion is all about what makes you feel like you stand out in a good way! So, are you ready to try some more things on?

Snape: Let's see what else you've got.

Tan: Love it! Let's see what you've got! Let's go!

Cut to int. Snape's dungeon.

Bobby: This week has gone by so fast, but we've been working our little tails off – some of us literally, I think Blinkie might actually have a tail.

Blinkie from the background: Not anymore boss!

Bobby: Anyway, we're just putting the finishing touches together now, and I hope he's going to love it!

Exterior Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop in Hogsmeade with Karamo and Snape. Snape has a fitted black jacket and stylish jeans on instead of his usual nine layers of black wool. It's a step in the right direction.

Karamo: This is it, Sev, are you ready for your date?

Snape: Either I'm going to be sick, or these jeans are too tight.

Karamo: Too late to change pants now! She's already here (camera pans to see Rosmerta sitting alone at a tiny tea table for two). Here we go! It's now or never, Snape. Remember, you're moving on for Lilly, and you're moving on for you!

Snape: Yes, for Lilly, for me.

Karamo: You got this, Sev! Go in there and date the **bleep** outta that lady!

Snape: Yeah! I shall date the **bleep** outta here!

KARAMO That's the spirit! Go get 'em, tiger!

Jazzed from his pep talk, Snape charges into the tearoom unceremoniously. All patrons freeze in mid-motion and stare at this noisy-come-loudly. Snape freezes just inside the door, noticing the disturbance he has caused. He continues more judiciously, and the friendly clatter of the restaurant resumes as normal.

Rosmerta stands to greet Snape as he approaches their table. Suavely, he kisses the back of her hand. It is somewhat alluring. He has clearly been learning from Antoni. Terse verbal greetings are exchanged, and they both seat themselves.

Snape: So, uh, was it difficult to get away from the pub?

Rose: Oh, I just left Bingo in charge.

Snape: An elf?

Rose: Yeah.

Snape: I see.

Awkward silence.

Rose (glancing around and accidentally eyeing the camera directly, then looking down at the menu where it's safe): I'm rather fond of Mrs. Puddifoot's lavender-infused green tea.

Snape: Is that so?

Rose: Mm-hm, yeah. It's…quite refreshing. Shall we order a pot?

Snape: As you wish.

Rose: (Raising from her seat) Very well, I'll flag down a server.

Snape: Of course, of course. (His eyes follow her to make sure she's not watching and then he enthusiastically shoots the camera a double thumbs up.)

Cut to a series of talking heads.

Karamo talking Head: This date is a huge step for Severus. He's proving to himself and everyone else that he's strong enough to grow up and move on. I couldn't be more proud of the steps he's taken this week, however, the date turns out. Which…at the moment…isn't looking great.

Rose Talking Head: Yeah, Professor Snape is a good man. Uh, I'm really glad to see that he's…starting to take better care of himself…

Snape Talking Head: I got a date, I got a date, I got a date!

Rose Talking Head: He's quite enthusiastic about our tea together.

Snape Talking Head: (Flustered) I can't believe it! She sat with me, we talked, we had tea. I'm in love. I'm in love with her! That's all there is. She's the one!

Rose Talking Head: He was much less grumpy than usual, so that's nice.

Snape Talking Head: (Aside) Indoor or outdoor ceremony? Band or DJ? Catered or buffet? Kids or no kids? Who am I kidding, no kids! They're the worst!

Karamo Talking Head: I'm excited to see what this new chapter in his life brings for our friend Severus Snape!

Day Five – The Reception Reveal

Ext. Snape's classroom with Karamo.

Karamo: Okay, you've had your first date in almost 20 years, you've got new threads, a fabulous new haircut, a new outlook on life, are you ready to see your new workspace?

Snape: Ready as ever. Onward!

Karamo (Opening the door): Yeah, onward it is!

Inside the rest of the fab five are waiting to see Snape's reaction. Bobby has covered the entire classroom with white shiplap, the ordinary school desks have been replaced with sleek postmodern black stools and the old-school cauldron fires have been swapped out for industrial kitchen stoves, complete with enormous exhaust fans in sage green hanging over each station. All proper oohing and ahhing ensues.

Moving through the door into Snape's office reveals a cozy cabin feel where once a menacing dungeon cell rotted amongst the decaying ingredients. A roaring fire burns in the fireplace that's now set into the cobblestones of a far wall, around which several squishy upholstered log-cabin-style chairs gather atop the bright blood-red rug Snape admired at the Pottery Barn. Across from the fireplace, Snape's dowdy old desk has been replaced with a light honey-colored log worktable.

Through the next door, we see that Snape's bedroom has been painted a pale sky-blue, instead of the ancient twin bed, there's a brand-new full-sized bed with an upholstered gray headboard. A cream oversized knit blanket has been draped cozily across the foot of the bed, overtop a sandy-colored comforter, giving the room a subtle beach effect. The wardrobe no longer sits across from the bed. Instead, an unremarkable door seems to have materialized in its place.

Snape: What's this door? There's nothing beyond this wall but the corridor.

Bobby: Oh, this is my favorite part! Tammy and I have worked up something pretty special for you here, with a little help from one of your students, a brilliant little witch called Hermione Granger! We have added an undetectable extension charm, a tricky little piece of magic, to create for you (throwing the closet door open) a massive walk-in closet!

Tam: Let me take you on a tour of your beautiful new wardrobe!

The closet interior consists of a room twice the size of Snape's office. The walls are lined with hanging outfits in countless striking jewel tones. The far wall is made entirely out of built-in shelves. In the center of the closet is a post-modern circular bench with foot mirrors lining the bottom, the seats of which all open to reveal extensive shoe storage. Basically, imagine your dream closet. Then make it impractically huge.

Tam: The rest of the guys are going to go wait in the office, and we're going to give them a bit of a show, how does that sound.

Snape: Surprisingly tolerable, actually.

Tam: Wonderful! So, let's start out with something that's kind of everyday wear, an outfit you could wear teaching, or going for a drink at Hogsmeade, that kind of thing. Right?

Snape: Alright.

Cut to the remaining Fab Five sitting around Snape's new fireplace.

Antoni: What do you all think he's going to put on?

Karamo: Whatever it is, I'm thinking no more black, am I right?

JVN: Yas, Henny! We are so over those shapeless black robes now!

Tan enters.

Tan: Are we ready?

All: Yaaas! Let's see, come on!

Snape steps awkwardly out of his bedroom (awkward is his version of alluring, this is how Snape lives his life). He's dressed in a navy-blue set of robes including impeccably tailored slacks and a matching shawl-like cloak that hits just below his hip in the front, revealing his lanky figure. The cape trails behind him slightly in the back and gathers at the neck, where it expands into a hood for inclement weather. He looks like the wizard incarnation of Men's Warehouse come to life.

Fab Five: (Freaking out uncontrollably) WORKING IT! O.M.G. she has a body!

Tan: Here we have a version of what you're used to, but we're exploring a bit with cut and color.

Karamo: Well, clearly WE can't get enough of this look, but how do you feel in it?

Snape looks at the ground, a shy smile brightening his face, loose layers of well-kept hair falling into his eyes. Picture Loki but when he's being really sexy instead of just a douche nozzle.

Snape: Ah, I…hem…yes I like it.

Fab Five: (Wild celebration all around) YAS, he's loving it! Is that a SMILE?

Tan: You look great, you feel good, that just can't be topped. But we're gonna try. Do you want to see another look?

General enthusiastic consent abounds.

Tan: Wonderful, we're just going to pop back into the closet for a moment then.

Bobby: Watch it, make sure you're ready to come out of the closet again, Tanny! (The fab five appreciate this joke).

Tan: (Peaking his head out of the doorway) Oh, don't you worry Bobby, love! I'm totally prepared to come out of the closet. And so is our drop-dead gorgeous Professor Snape. Come on out Severus!

Snape enters wearing the emerald and white tails he tried on at Madam Malkins and is met with equal enthusiasm.

Tan: Okay beautiful, we have to leave you now. You're in your formal outfit for the reception tonight. Your haircut looks amazing. You're making a beautiful stew. You're all grown up and ready for this!

Snape: Thank you all! (Shedding a single tear) I never had anyone care for me as you have. I feel that my heart was made of ice ever since Lilly's death, but now...(sniffling) you have thawed me and brought me back to life.

JVN: Awwwww, honey, you're gonna make me CRY!

Hugs and tearful goodbyes.

Karamo: (Holding Snape by the shoulders, and looking intensely into his eyes) Remember, you look GOOD!

Snape: (Still sniffling) I look good!

Karamo: That's right, buddy. You look good! And when you feel good, nobody can take that away from you! You're gonna live your best life, and you're going to move on, and you're going to do the best for your students and yourself because, why?

Snape: Because she would have wanted it for me.

Karamo: That's right, and because you deserve it, right?

Snape: (Nodding with solemn realization) I deserve it.

Karamo: Yes you do! Good job, my friend. You got this, I believe in you!

The fab five depart and Snape moves into his classroom to prepare for the reception. He hums as he prepares the root vegetables for his stew, using the brand-new sage green kitchen appliances and black countertops in his state-of-the-art potions classroom. After a few beats of this, someone knocks at the classroom door.

Snape: Enter!

Rosmerta enters holding a massive stack of bakery boxes. Snape approaches to help her bring in the soda bread. Once she's relieved of her stack of boxes, her midnight blue sparkly formal gown becomes visible.

Rosmerta: Waaoow! It looks so different in here! And look at you (taking a step back as if to take him all in better) so sharp! They did such a good job with your outfit!

Snape: (Awkwardly, but somewhat pleased with himself) I'm so glad you approve, Madam.

Rosmerta: Please Sev, call me rose.

FIN

A/N: Please leave a review if you liked this. I've been tossing this idea around for years, and I just finally sat down to write it today. Hopefully. yaáll found the premise as hilarious as I did! Love to hear your thoughts!