Hey guys! I know I haven't posted anything in a really long time. I am working to revamp my old stories as well as finish some other ones. This fic was one that kind of came from a place of hurt within me. I was very suicidal at one point in my life. This fic is close to my heart as it touches on topics such as self-harm, depression, suicide, body dysmorphia and a few others. If you are easily triggered, I would not recommend reading this.

This fic has a sequel but I will not post it unless this gets some views. Enjoy and I hope you take something away from it. Always check on people, even if they seem fine.

I do not own Yugioh.

Song: If I surrender – Citizen Solider.

Lately I've been feeling so ashamed

By these thoughts I'm hiding in my brain

Seto had always been the man who hid all his emotions, all his agony, all the hurt he had inside of him. He had many break downs at night, in the darkness of his room. Silent screams leaving his mouth as hot tears slid down his cheeks, the breath being taken from him with the violent sobs he let out. He wasn't strong at all; in fact, he was as weak as they come. His heart was much more sensitive than he cared to admit. Not even Mokuba knew of his tormented soul.

His problems started with the abandonment of his parents. That event had left holes of abandonment littered through him. Then came Gozaboro who had shoved a sword through him long ago that he couldn't remove no matter how hard he tried. Years of verbal abuse had torn away any self confidence the brunette once had. The sexual abuse had taken away his ability to let anyone intimately hold or touch him.

This life, no matter how much he tried to get, no matter how great of a business man, creator and brother he was, it was all for nothing. He had nothing to show for the tormented life he had endured. He had no one to love, no one to love him. He so desperately needed someone to love him. To let him know this white-hot feeling of loneliness wasn't going to last forever.

What was the use? Building this empire if he had no one to share it with? Mokuba wanted no part in it. He didn't want Kiabacorp or anything that came with it. He would be gone to college in a year or two and then Seto would be truly alone. Alone, he was damn tired of being alone.

'Cause I've been holding them down but they twist me violently,

I'm hanging by a thread tonight but this time I don't wanna be saved.

The shower water ran red as he brought the knife to his thigh again. Seto Kaiba resorting to self-harm? Who would ever think that? He let out a humorless chuckle. Sitting in his oversized marbled shower, Seto let the hot water run over him. He could feel the next break down swimming under the surface and he was trying his hardest to hold it down but he was failing miserably.

The monsters inside of him were clawing to get out and it hurt. It hurt more than he could explain. The looming ugly monster hovering over him constantly whispering to him. Worthless, unlovable, unworthy, alone…. The voice sounded like his own. It sounded so much like him that he no choice but to believe what it said to him. One more cut wouldn't hurt. The blood dripping from his scared, pale thighs used to give him relief, but lately there has been none.

So let me fall, let me break, Under everything unsaid

Just let me die 'cause I can't take, Living with what's in my head

In his twenty-four years on this earth, he had only ever tried to let one person in. He had only allowed himself to love one person. He had let him in, let him see just the surface of the hell he was in and then he scared him away.

"Why don't you talk to me? Why don't you let me help you through whatever it is that's bothering you?

"I can't. Don't you understand that?" Seto yelled.

"Why not? Seto, I love you! I want to be here for you. Please let me." He laid his hand on Seto's quivering shoulder.

Seto spun and slapped the hand away. "Don't you understand? I can't tell you all the sick, twisted issues I have. I can't tell you about the times I think about ending my pathetic life. You don't deserve to share this pain with me." The dragon duelist turned; his blue eyes cast to the floor. "No one does."

"Why not? You're supposed to be able to talk to me. You're supposed to be able to tell the people you love what's going on and let them help you!"

Seto shook his head. "Then I guess I don't love you." He had regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He spun and his heart broke at the sight of those beautiful purple eyes. He reached out a hand but it was no use, he had turn and ran from the room. "Yugi…"

That was the last time the two of them had spoken. Yugi never returned his calls or texts. He had returned all the apology gifts and the last Seto knew he had began dating someone else. Forgetting Seto as everyone else had.

If I surrender, surrender

To the monsters in me

Will it set me free?

"Yugi, I'm so sorry! I never meant to hurt you!" Seto sobbed, throwing the knife across the shower, it clanged on the marble. The sound echoed in his head as he spiraled into yet another breakdown. The third one this week. He brought his hands up to cover his face as sobs racked his body. The voices in his head were loud, screaming at him, telling him how worthless he was, how unloved he was.

Seto, the man who on the outside put on the best show. To everyone he was an egotistical CEO with no remorse, with a need to have all the power. He was icy and cold with no second thoughts given when stepping over everyone to get his way. He had done everything, taken everything, won everything in hopes of filling this massive sink hole in his chest, but nothing would ever fill it.

Seto was so, so, so tired of fighting. So tired of showing the world this wall he had built. He was tired of having ruthless panic attacks that left him gasping for air. He used to be scared, it terrified him when he felt the monster's hands around his throat, squeezing, laughing as he struggled to breathe.

Lately, he had stopped struggling. He had starting wishing the black out would be his last.

What's the point of holding on like this?

When no one seems to care if I exist

Seto pulled himself up from his place on the shower floor after what seemed like a forever of sobbing so hard he couldn't breathe. His body was numb with physical and emotional pain as he wrapped a towel around himself. He paused to look at himself in the mirror as he passed.

Outwardly, he was showing no signs of the constant war inside. He spent more time than he cared to admit in the mansion gym. Anything to distract him, even just a little. His skin stretched over toned arms and abs. His hair clung to his wet forehead; ice-blue eyes looked back at him. How could the man in the mirror be him? This man is strong, this man is the CEO of the most successful company in the world. This man was eluding confidence and power, but this man was Kaiba, not Seto.

Seto was weak, insecure and scared.

The brunette dressed himself, brushed his hair into its perfect style, he put his skin tight black shirt on, leather pants, boots, KC belt and clasps on. He picked up his trench coat but laid it back down. "Mokuba would want this…" He whispered to himself as he pulled on his less worn blue trench coat. He opened his brief case and laid an envelope on the trench coat that he had draped over the bed, his locket was laid over the coat, along with his deck. "I'm so sorry Mokuba, but I'm so damn tired of fighting this…" A tear slid down his cheek.

There is no agony like being strong when no one knows you're sick

So sick of hearing I should stay when I know I would never be missed

He exited his room, and made his way down the stairs. Mokuba was sitting in the living room, his homework spread over the coffee table, the TV light casted a blue-green glow onto the young boy's face. Seto glanced at the clock, ten-twenty is read. He crossed his arms and cleared his throat. "Mokuba."

Mokuba's head shot up at his older brother's voice. "Hey Nii-sama!"

Seto's heart twisted in regret. He doesn't need you, he won't care that you'll be gone. The relentless voice in his head reminded him. "You need to be getting to bed soon, you'll be too tired for school tomorrow. You know I won't always be here to make sure you do what you're supposed to."

Mokuba rolled his eyes. "Seto relax, I'm not a little kid anymore."

I'm not a little kid anymore….

The statement echoed in the elder brother's head. He was right. He didn't need Seto anymore. He would be fine without him. Seto nodded, "Okay." He walked over and ran a hand through his brother's hair.

"Hey!" Mokuba protested, slapping Seto's hands away from him. "Nii-sama stop it."

Seto let out a small laugh, his last real one. "Finish your homework and get to bed. I'll be back shortly."

"Where are you going?"

"To the office, I forgot some papers I need to finish a business model."

Mokuba stood and walked over to his brother, his large dark blue eyes studied the older Kaiba for a moment. "Since when do you forget things?"

Seto shrugged. "I may be Seto Kaiba but I'm still a human."

Mokuba laughed. "Could have fooled me." He smiled, letting his brother know he was only half joking. He yawned and stretched. "Goodnight Seto." He said as he turned and began climbing the stairs.

"Goodbye Mokuba…." Seto whispered the words so only he could hear them. Mokuba deserved a better goodbye, but Seto knew he couldn't bring himself to do it.

So let me fall, let me break under everything unsaid

Just let me die 'cause I can't take living with what's in my head

The drive to Kaibacorp was silent. Was he really going to go through with this? Could he? Surely someone would come stop him. Surely someone has noticed the hell he had been living in.

Ha! Like who? Yugi? You drove him away when you told him you didn't love him. Mokuba? He'll be fine, as he just told you, he's not a little kid anymore. You, Seto Kaiba are all alone.

Seto let out a sob. The voice was right. He wouldn't be missed. He had more people who hated him than he could count. Who would think twice when they heard the news of what he had done? This had to be done. He was so very tired of fighting this never-ending war.

He parked his car in its usual spot and exited. His boots clicked across the concreate of the empty parking garage. The sound gave him a strange feeling, after all it was the sound of him walking to his demise.

He scanned his entrance badge and got into the elevator. Pressing the button for his office, the door closed behind him. He stared as his cobalt blue eyes in the stainless steal door. These eyes had been so strong, they had never let anyone in on the pain, but they had also been so weak, pouring tears in the darkness of his room, silently screaming for someone to help him.

The elevator dinged, the doors opened and Seto exited. He walked to his office door, punched the code in and entered the room. His desk was littered with papers, some old and some new placed there by the secretary before she left for the night. In a fleeting thought, he hoped she wasn't the one to find him. She was too nice of a woman. He hoped she would keep her job when the next CEO took over.

He sat in his chair and typed the password into his computer. With a shaking hand on the mouse, he clicked on the folder he was looking for. Files appeared on the screen in front of him. Documents listing everything one would need to take over his company, as well as his final wishes, his will, and a list of ways to cheer Mokuba up, his favorite things. With a shaky breath he attached the folder to an email, typing just the words, 'I could only ever trust you with this. Please forgive me.' He hit the send button.

If I surrender, surrender, To the monsters in me

If you could see under my skin, you'd realize why I hold it in

Why it's a fight I don't wanna win

An overwhelming feeling of regret washed over him. He covered his face with his hands as tears drenched his face. There was no one in the building that could stop him from doing this. There was no one who would come to try and keep him from leaving this earth. No one that cared enough to notice how broken he had become. No one that had seen through the thick, icy walls he had built around himself.

Only one person had ever taken a step towards trying to break down his walls, and that person was no longer here. Seto let out a strained laugh. "Atem if only you could see me now." A pathetic, quivering shell of a man who is worn down from fighting unseen battles day in and day out.

Seto stood from his chair and neatly pushed it back under the desk. He straightened the papers on the desk and took one more look around.

If you could see all my abuse, And spent a day inside my shoes

You'd realize why I just wanna lose

Will anyone believe the hell of being me, before I decide to be the dying proof?

The CEO made his way to the elevator once more, pressing the roof button. A feeling of icy fear wrapped around his being. He couldn't do this. He couldn't leave Mokuba.

Look at you, so pathetic you can't even do this… Seto Kaiba, the coward.

Seto clenched his fists. "I am no coward." Tear filled cobalt eyes glared back at him in the door. "I am no coward…."

Flashes of painful memories appeared before him. Yugi leaving, Atem leaving, Gozaboro whipping him, the feeling of being taken advantage of, the way his parents drove away without a second thought. "I can't do this anymore…."

The doors opened and he stepped out. The winter air wrapped around him. He pulled the collar of his coat up and shoved his hands in the pockets.

So let me fall, let me break, under everything unsaid

Just let me die 'cause I can't take, Living with what's in my head

He stood on the edge of the building he had poured his entire life into. He had spent so much time rebuilding this company, making it into something he was proud of. It was only fitting it be his final memory.

The cold whipped around him. The snow fell in thick flakes, sticking to his clothes and hair. He looked down at the ground, the snow covering everything below. He looked at the buildings that would hide him once he fell. Would anyone find him? Hopefully it wasn't a child, or young woman. He didn't wish to give anyone scars like his own.

He looked out at the quiet night. No one in the world knew what he was going to do. No one knew what the pain and trauma had withered him into. A shell, a shell of the person he once was. He could never win against the monsters in his head. He could never win this battle, and to be honest this was one he didn't want to win anymore. It was too costly. He wanted to be free. He wanted to be free of the memories, the terrorizing nightmares, free of the need to put up this front. He wanted to be free of all the responsibility. He didn't want to die, but it was the only way to be free.

He was done. Done with this relentless world that never was a friend to him. Mokuba would be fine. Yugi would be fine. He would be fine once it was over. Seto let out one last scream of pain, it echoed in the dark night before it faded just as he would. He turned his back to the ledge. A single tear fell from his worn-down eyes as he spread his arms wide.

If I surrender, o the monsters in me

Will it set me free?

And he fell.

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