a short but sweet one.
my home life has been very rough lately, so I decided to put some of that into this piece. please be kind in your reviews. they are never expected, but always appreciated.
cologne
I sprayed your cologne today.
I'm not sure why. I hate the smell of it. Smells like a mix of tobacco, spices, and dirty laundry.
I remember you bathing in it like you were hiding the fact that you hadn't showered in days. Like you were trying to hide the fact that you were so sad, so broken, that you couldn't do anything other than sit there and breathe the toxicity of that cologne instead of the pure air around you.
I remember you giving it to me the night you left. You left me in the way that only idiots do, but you were my idiot, and I loved your idiotic ways. I loved the way you told bad jokes, and made me laugh so hard that milkshakes shot out of my nose.
I gave that cologne to you the night we got engaged. It's well over ten years old, but the bottle still has over half of the contents inside.
You wore that cologne on our wedding day. How I wish you wore it the day you left.
You left it here as a reminder, I'm sure of it. A reminder of what I've lost, what I've given up on. A reminder that without you, without your goddamn too spicy cologne, I'm nothing but a plug without a socket.
A heart without a beat. A life without a will to live.
It kills me that your cologne sits on the nightstand where you used to sleep. It mocks me.
It stares at me like you used to, when I would get dressed in the morning or strip down at night. You loved seeing me in my body, even though I despised myself. I would always comment on how my stomach looked too fat, how my thighs touched too close together.
When we had kids, I knew I would fall back into that habit. You always assured me that I was beautiful. That I was meant to bear your children, grow little bodies inside of me that were a combination of our genes.
I see that cologne every day, and I beg myself to break the bottle. To burn the liquid inside. To destroy what you left behind.
But, in that ruin, I would have to kill myself. Because to destroy that cologne would mean to self destruct.
I see your reflection in the bottle. The way your eyes crinkled when you smiled. The way your lips grazed my skin when we made love. The way you took me into your arms when I couldn't see beyond my own misgivings, my own destruction, my own pile of ashes just waiting to be lit with flames.
I sprayed your cologne today.
And I found myself weeping into the air it left behind.