For those concerned, this story is a faux blueprint for what a live-action series based on Hazbin Hotel would like. You can blame me, but you can also blame my friends, who listed their suggestions for their fancasting choices in my PM box. Some were inspired, others were odd.
Plot: "Based on the web cartoon of the same name, Hazbin Hotel follows Hell as it suffers from an overpopulation crisis, which Heaven "solves" with once-a-year annual purgings, during which Angels known as Exorcists or Exterminators descend from above to eradicate a portion of Hell's population. For the most part, this simple yet savage solution seems to be working out, until one day, the Princess of Hell, Charlotte "Charlie" Magne (Dove Cameron), decides she has enough of losing her own people and proposes her own method of solving the overpopulation crisis: opening the titular hotel as a rehabilitation program to reform and redeem Sinners, therefore giving them a chance to enter Heaven. Of course, this alternative method gets ruthlessly mocked as a pipe dream, but she remains hell-bent on making her fantasy a reality with the help of Vaggie (Adria Arjona), her devoted girlfriend and the hotel's manager, and Angel Dust (Tom Holland), a spider drag-queen/mobster/pornographic film star and the hotel's first patron. However, when the mysterious and powerful Alastor (Robert Downey, Jr.), known as the "Radio Demon" throughout Hell offers his own assistance for his personal amusement alongside hyperative housekeeper Niffty (Florence Pugh) and cynical bartender Husk (Jeremy Renner), Charlie's fortunes take a turn. For better or for worse, nobody knows...so stay tuned..."
Cast:
1) Dove Cameron as Charlotte "Charlie" Magne: The sweet, kindhearted, altruistic, charismatic, and bisexual Princess of Hell who is the daughter of King Lucifer and Queen Lilith and the founder/hostess of the titular Hazbin Hotel. Charlie believes that every damned soul is capable of achieving redemption and decides to open the first of its kind: a hotel that serves to rehabilitate and reform sinners, therefore granting them a chance to enter Heaven. Of course, this proves easier said than done when nearly every damned soul in Hell mocks her passion project as nothing more than a hopeless pipe dream, but she remains determined to make her fantasy of a more humane of population curbing a reality. She is also capable of demonic magic and abilities.
2) Adria Arjona as Vaggie: The devoted manager of the Hazbin Hotel and the feisty but sweet and caring lesbian girlfriend of Charlie. Often regarded as the more rational, level-headed, and down-to-earth of the couple, Vagatha remains highly supportive and protective of Charlie despite her own doubts on the manner as she struggles to keep the image of the hotel up. She remains pragmatic and realistic in the business industry, making the most out of the lack of resources given. She is also capable of hand-to-hand combat, with a harpoon and throwing knives as her preferred weapons of choice.
3) Tom Holland as Angel Dust: A gay spider demon drag queen/adult film star and an Italian gangster of the 1940's who is personally chosen by Charlie as the first patron for the Hotel's rehabilitation program. Sassy, sarcastic, crass, crude, flirtatious, confident, narcissistic, playful, and utterly reckless all rolled into one, Anthony seems to not take Charlie's cause too seriously and tends to get into all sorts of trouble behind her back. In fact, he's a little too eager with keeping up his gangster reputation and starting a riot at the very first chance. However, underneath the destructive shell, he genuinely wants to change for the better, but believes that he can't. He is also capable of weapon proficiency, specifically firearms and explosives.
3.1) Holland also plays Seviathan von Eldritch: A member of the prestigious Von Eldritch family, the brother of Helsa von Eldritch, and the former boyfriend of Charlie. While saddened by the break-up and her subsequent relationship with Vaggie, Seviathan is understandable and decides against interfering with his former girlfriend's love life, instead focusing on climbing the social ladder and earn the respect of his peers and parental figures. This leads him to take a dark path and form a rivalry with Valentino. He is also mistakenly called "Harold" by Cherri Bomb.
4) Robert Downey Jr. as Alastor: One of the many Overlords of Hell and one of the most powerful and enigmatic; Alastor was an aromantic asexual Southern radio host and serial killer of the 1930's in his past human life, a profession he would carry over into his present demon life as the Radio Demon. Because of his profession, he has a radio voice to befit him, complete with static, sound effects, theme music, and even a laugh track to accompany his words and sentences in a fast, witty, and upbeat manner. Despite his infamous reputation, he has a sense of morality/right and wrong and offers his services to Charlie and the Hotel...though not out of genuine altruism, but rather for personal amusement and entertainment value. (NOTE: Chris Evans, Sebastian Stan, Daniel Brühl, Robert Pattinson, and Hugh Jackman were alternate casting choices.)
5) Florence Pugh as Niffty: An energetic, excitable, and hyperactive cyclops demon with a strange fondess for men and cleaniness; Niffty was a housewife of the 1950's in her past human life, a profession she would carry over into her present demon life as the housekeeper of the Hazbin Hotel. She is shown to be a "Jack of All Trades", managing to excel to cleaning, cooking, and sewing among other abilities; in addition, she is capable of agility, bilingualism, and fire resistance. (NOTE: Emma Fuhrmann, Angourie Rice, and Josie Totah was alternative casting choices.)
5.1) Pugh also plays Helsa von Eldritch: A member of the prestigious Von Eldritch family, the sister of Seviathan von Eldritch, and the rival of Charlie. While her relationship with her brother is a neutral one (they neither like each other nor dislike each other), her relationship with her former best friend is far more complex. Namely, her desire to climb up the social ladder much like her brother is based on the belief that she is inferior to Charlie's status as the Princess of Hell.
6) Jeremy Renner as Husk: An apathetic, ill-tempered, and pansexual cat demon with a penchant for alcohol and gambling; Husk was a Vietnam War veteran of the 1970's who lost the ability to love many years ago and therefore has very narrow interests, namely gambling, drinking, and parlor tricks, where his sleight-of-hand magic originated. Despite his gruff and sardonic demeanor, though, he can be surprisingly patient while taking outlandish situations in stride. (NOTE: Chris Evans, Sebastian Stan, Chris Pine, Hugh Jackman, and Bradley Cooper were alternative casting choices.)
7) Leslie Bibb as Katie Killjoy: A pompous and callous news anchor of 666 News and the co-newscaster of Tom Trench. Arrogant, narcissistic, selfish, and even homophobic, Katie represents the worst of the worst media outlets and sensationalism, caring only for the latest gossip and profitable stories which were carried over from the 1990's. She is one of the main demons who dislike and disrespects Charlie, not the least of which is her "passion project" to redeem fallen demons. (NOTE: Olivia Munn, Amber Heard, and Brie Larson were alternative casting choices.)
8) Al Madrigal as Tom Trench: A passive but fast-mouthed news anchor of 666 News and co-newscaster of Katie Killjoy who died in World War I (the 1910's). Despite his perceived witty banter with his co-anchor, Tom seems to be Katie's designated playtoy whom she often mistreats without remorse. Even so, he is also the less unpleasant between the two, showing some enthusiasm for Charlie's rehabilitation program...and "some" is the key word.
9) Katherine Langford as Cherri Bomb: A self-proclaimed "spunky powerhouse" from the 1980's who is also a radical anarchist and the best friend of Angel Dust, whom she serves as a tutor and partner-in-crime towards. Bold, daring, and determinated, Cherri regularly engages in turf wars and takes immense pleasure in committing crimes. However, she's actually not entirely happy with her current lifestyle despite this, but decides against redemption since she's beyond it and come too far. (NOTE: Kathryn Newton and Brianna Hildebrand were alternative casting choices.)
10) Ben Mendelsohn as Sir Pentious: An egomaniacal and flamboyant cobra demon inventor from the Victorian Era (the late 19th Century). Bombastic and persistent, Sir Pentious' attempts at taking over Hell has unfortunately been overshadowed by that of far superior villains such as the aforementioned Alastor and Cherri Bomb. However, there's no harm in trying...except when there is.
11) Rachel McAdams as Rosie: One of the many Overlords of Hell and an acquaintance of Alastor who runs an emporium. Friendly, capable, articulate, and elegant, Rosie nonetheless shares a similar trait associated with many residing demons: she lacks empathy. Unlike some of her fellow Overlords, she is one of the few who are Hellborns, not those who were humans, ended up dying, and became Sinners. (NOTE: Hayley Atwell and Rachel Weisz were alternative casting choices.)
12) Lee Pace as Valentino: One of the many Overlords of Hell and a moth demon who is the owner of Porn Studios; an associate of Vox and Velvet; and the pansexual boss of Angel Dust, whom he abuses sexually and psychologically. Specifically, he is controlling and possessive of his "best employee", whose prior joy for his prior lifestyle have significantly diminished as a result of his presence. His fellow Overlord, Vox, and his two female entourage, Dia and Summer, are not safe from his advances as well. (NOTE: Jared Leto, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Daniel Brühlwere alternative casting choices.)
13) Lizzy Caplan as Velvet: One of the many Overlords of Hell and a doll demon who is an associate of Vox and Valentino. Often considered the most stylish, most energetic, and most crazy of the VVV Overlords, Velvet is a goofy and social selfie-obsessed individual who remains up-to-date with the latest trends and technology, one of the reasons why she and Vox get along. However, Valentino's behavior towards Angel Dust can make her feel...uncomfortable at times. (NOTE: Margot Robbie and Lyndsy Fonesca were alternative casting choices.)
14) James Spader as Vox: One of the many Overlords of Hell and a TV-like demon who is an associate of Velvet and Valentino, who is his abusive lover. Quite the showman with a charismatic, egotistical, and manipulative personality, Vox is also an attention whore who is capable of electrical manipulation to boot. It is because of his advancements in technology that he often shares a heated rivalry with Alastor, who dislikes embracing new innovations. (NOTE: Mark Ruffalo and Mark Strong were alternative casting choices.)
15) Hailee Steinfeld as Molly: The fraternal twin sister of Angel Dust and the younger sister of Arackniss. Not much is known about her besides her association with her two gangster brothers, but Molly is shown to be one of the few people that Angel Dust genuinely cares about. Of course, this doesn't stop her from becoming an apprentice of Rosie.
16) Jake Gyllenhaal as Arackniss: The older brother of Angel Dust and Molly who is rather...short. Not short on potential, but rather on size, with Arackniss being only slightly taller than Niffty. His relationship with his two siblings is quite negative and severed, but it soon becomes clear that he has trouble vocalizing his feelings for them. (NOTE: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Scott Eastwood, and Remy Hii were alternative casting choices.)
17) Gregg Sulkin as Baxter: A fish demon who was once a human scientist and inventor from the 1910's. Aloof, neurotic, screechy, and an all-around mess, Baxter would more often than not prefer to keep to himself and perform mad science in peace. He is also the second shortest character after Niffty.
18) Virginia Gardner as Crymini: A canine demon (possibly a hellhound) who was once a punk delinquent from the 1990's. Her rebellious nature often on par with that of Angel Dust, Crymini ironically has more porn content than him...and nobody knows why. She shares an odd friendship with Molly and Helsa von Eldritch.
19) Marisa Tomei as Mimzy: A singer/club owner from the 1920's who is presumably head over heels with Alastor and best friends with Niffty. Cheerful, confident, and materialistic, Mimzy is very proud of her singing and becomes one of the Hotel's first patrons.
20) Nicole Kidman as Lilith Magne: The wife of King Lucifer, the mother of Charlie, and the Queen of Hell. Graceful, regal, equanimous, and politically charged, Lilith, despite denying their daughter any kind of emotional support, does care for Charlie to a certain extent while reserving her love for her husband, whom she is absolutely in love with. Of course, she is regarded as the more rational and level-headed of the couple.
21) Ewan McGregor as Lucifer Magne: The husband of Queen Lilith, the father of Charlie, and the King of Hell. Unlike his wife, Lucifer immensely cares about their daughter and her well-being, but the way in which he does is strict, neglectful, and overprotective at times. In other words, he is not exactly parent material, but he does his best to raise Charlie to be tough in the Underworld. He can be also quite goofy and a little too supportive of his daughter's relationship with anyone she dates.
Directed By: Anthony & Joe Russo
Written By: Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Music By: Alan Silvestri & Pinar Toprak
Songs By: Alan Menken, Robert Lopez, & Kristen Anderson-Lopez
Stunt Coordinators: Sam Hargrave & Monique Ganderton
Production Companies: New Line Cinema (Owned By Warner Bros.), AGBO (Owned By The Russo Brothers), 87North Productions (Owned By David Leitch, Kelly McCormick, & occasionally Chad Stahelski) Freckle Films (Owned By Jessica Chastain), Kinberg Genre (Owned By Simon Kinberg), LuckyChap Entertainment (Owned By Margot Robbie), Platinum Dunes (Owned By Michael Bay), SpindleHorse Toons (Owned By Vivienne Medrano aka "Vivziepop")
Distributed By: Warner Bros. Pictures (Owned By...The Warner Brothers) / Netflix (Owned By Reed Hastings & Marc Randolph)
Remember, this is merely a joke not meant to be taken seriously. If you want to discuss this, please do so in the review section.