Dedicated to one of the people who helped me not to feel lost and who inspired me for this story, Tiggs.

Warning: mentions of death, loss, anxiety and panic attacks. While minor, they are integral to the story.

Durmstrang

Year 1

Finals

Theme 1: Fear

Write about a character discovering or facing their worst fear.

Buzzwords: Acceptance of oneself

Life or death

Cowardice

Mistakes

Main prompt: 8. [Job] Auror

Additional prompt: 1. [Action] Hiding

Word count: 2991

Betaed by: Eben, Mandi, Orca and Mia. Thank you all so, so much! Also thanks to Georgie for the prompts help!

AN: This story was inspired by a story one of my dearest friends, whitetiger91 wrote last year, The Best Hider in the World. If you liked mine, I strongly suggest and recommend you read hers after. It is beyond beautiful. The lines are the catalyst of this story. However, being inspired you really don't need to read hers.

Benjy Fenwick is one of the original Order members, mentioned in the Order of the Phoenix by Moody, who said they didn't find all pieces of him. Matilda is an OC created as a six years old, I made her 21. I hope I did her justice.

"No, you go and hide. You're the best hider after all. You hide so well, you could be an Auror when you grow up."

Only, only I wasn't really. My childhood was a blur of memories and flashes of events. But some of the last words my brother ever said to me were as clear in my memory as what I'd had for lunch. The day he died would be forever etched in my mind, more than anyone would ever realise. In a way, I was glad it was so. Not many who'd lost someone close to them at such a young age were able to recall them as clearly as I could fifteen years later.

We were playing hide and seek. He told me to hide and I did. I'd hidden so well, not making a sound, not realising that Death Eaters were in the house with us. It took me four years to realise that he'd never find me again.

Now things were happening once more. You-Know-Who was back, and it scared me more than I cared to admit. It terrified me. My brother died because of him and his men. My mother didn't let me out of her sight afterwards for a long time. I heard her crying at night when she thought I was asleep. But I wasn't. I just kept counting, hoping Benjy would find me. The times we lived in were uncertain; so many people have died already and many more could follow. I knew my brother didn't really mean it when he told me that he'd come back to find me, but somehow, I wished his words to be true. I really did.

Both my mother and I have relocated to Grimauld's Place, the Order of the Phoenix Headquarters. For the past three years, I have been attending the Auror Academy. But I had yet to become one. An Auror that is. I had yet to do anything useful actually. A knock on the door interrupted my wayward thoughts on the past.

"Yes?"

"Hey Matilda, can I come in?" It was Tonks, my friend from the Auror Program. She was about two years older than me, graduating just as I'd been accepted.

"Sure."

When she came in, I realised something was wrong. The pink in her hair was pale, and she looked sad.

"You're not here on a social call, are you?"

"I'm not. Moody was going to talk with you, but I felt it would be better if it came from me."

"Oh," was all I could say.

"Matilda, Healer Crowney talked with Kingsley and me. You failed your psychological exam."

I closed my eyes. In a way, I wished she'd let Moody tell me. Despite being my friend, Tonks didn't really know why I had failed it. Why I was so utterly mental.

"Did she tell you why?"

Tonks shook her head. "She only said that even if you managed to pass the third time, it'd be barely. You also failed the hide and seek section of the test."

At the mention of the game, I almost crumbled. Hide and seek. Something I used to be good at. But what if I hid too well and everyone disappeared? It was so illogical, and yet… my mind played tricks on me.

"Matilda, what is affecting you? I understand that you may not want to talk about it, but—"

"You're right. I don't," I said, my tone sharper than I intended. I knew she meant well, but I wished she'd let Moody deliver the news of my upcoming failure as an Auror. He knew why I was failing. After all, he was the one who'd found me hidden after my brother died.

"Okay. I'll be here if you ever want to," she said, coming around to hug me. "I failed my test several times too, you know."

Neither of us mentioned that she had never failed the psychological exam.

"If you want, we could practice the hide and seek part. And talk about things. Healer Crowney said she will talk with you, but she told us so you'd have time to consider your options by your next meeting."

Part of me wanted to accept her offer. She was a good Auror, and while Moody had accepted to train me, despite his rough exterior, he found it hard to yell and ask me to go again when he knew exactly why I was panicking. The other part didn't want Tonks to find out how scared I really was.

"I don't know Tonks, but I will let you know if I am ever going to be ready to do that."

She let go and gave me a tight smile. "All right. I need to go for my shift, but know I'm here for you. Even if I don't know what's troubling you, I'm your friend. You can talk with me about anything."

Logically, I knew she meant it, but the part of me that stopped me from physically hiding during my Auror test was hiding mentally from being able to confide, even if it was my friend.

"I know," I murmured.

I was a twenty-one-year-old adult who was still afraid of being left behind. In time, ever since my mother had decided I couldn't not go to Hogwarts, I'd had to learn to embrace my fear. Not that it'd been easy. I had panic attacks and many anxiety episodes over our separation. Each time a friend left, I was left wondering if I'd see them again. Somehow, though, the news of the upcoming war hadn't made it worse. After all, I'd already seen all the scenarios that could happen in my dreams.

Besides, I really wanted to be an Auror. The door squeaked. I turned around, wand in hand. It was Moody.

"Good reflexes, lassie."

I smiled and lowered my hand.

"You've come to talk with me about the Auror evaluation?"

He shook his head.

"No. Not tonight, although if you do want to talk, Miss Fenwick, we can."

I chuckled. He really was more bark than bite. If you weren't a Death Eater, of course.

"Then, what is it?"

"We've got information of a possible attack at an amusement park near Yorkshire. I thought you should join us."

My eyes widened.

"Me? On a mission? But I'm not an Auror yet."

"No, but you are part of the Order. And you're just as good as an Auror, lassie. You have all the skills you need. Including hide and seek."

"Except I'm mentally broken."

He sighed and moved a little closer to me. "You are not. I don't know if you remember, but your mother took you to several Mind Healers when you were little."

I shook my head.

"I didn't think you would," he continued. "You see, you wouldn't stop counting. You hid everywhere in the house. She couldn't find you. And yet, somehow, whenever she needed to leave, you'd appear and cry until she either took you with her or she stayed. But you were fine other than that. All the healers had said the same thing. In time, you'd be better. And you are. I'm not the easiest person for such discussions, but—"

"But you're the only one who actually knows why I am the way I am," I spoke, cutting him off.

Moody nodded.

"I wouldn't be taking you on this mission if I didn't believe you'd be suited to help. There will be a lot of Muggles there. We need all hands on deck and all hands capable. You are capable. I wouldn't say that for anyone, even if it's you."

Somehow, that made me smile. I really wanted to believe him. He was Moody, he was anything but fair. And yet… I had doubts. But if I wanted to be an Auror, I knew I had to learn to act in spite of them. You'd think it'd be easier since I had had to learn to function despite my fears every day of my life.

"So, do I need to do anything to prepare for it?"

"No. But I need your word that your conversation with Tonks hasn't affected you in a way that would inhibit your ability to fight."

He was giving me an out of his own volition. If I told anyone, no one would believe it. Alastor Moody? Sentimental? But things were different when he found your dismembered brother and you, in a hiding spot waiting for the brother to come.

I straightened myself before responding.

"No, sir!"

Somehow, we arrived before the Death Eaters. Moody stopped us from interfering too early. He didn't want them to know we had a spy in their ranks. However, when I saw children enter the funhouse, I knew I couldn't stay put.

"Let me go in."

"Fenwick, I believe we discussed exactly why we cannot interfere yet."

While the others in the group looked at me as if I was an alien for talking back at Moody, I knew better.

"I know. But I can go in as a Muggle. I'll alter my appearance in the hypothetical case I could be recognised. I'll not use magic unless attacked. Let me go inside the funhouse. A group of children just walked in. We are too far out; if Death Eaters don't try to instantly destroy it, they will go inside to terrorise them. Those children need someone… there."

He looked at me, and for a moment, I thought he'd refuse, but he didn't.

"Very well. But you cannot use magic until after they attack."

I nodded. Changing my hair to blonde and conjuring a pair of glasses, I walked through the amusement park, straight into the funhouse.

It took a second to settle into my new surroundings. I've never been to a funhouse before. I was too afraid I would get lost and that I'd never see my mother again. That she'd disappear as Benjy did. Looking around, it was an interesting place: semi-dark and mirrors everywhere. To my right there was a slide that went into total darkness and things hanging from the walls. It was mostly quiet, except for the kids' laughter.

I found them further along on the mirrored corridor, captivated by the mirrors that could alter the way they looked. One of the kids noticed me and notified their friends. Soon enough, they were all looking at me.

"Hi!" I waved. I looked around. The corridor led to many more doors, and it scared me. People could get lost.

"Hello Miss," one of them said, with suspicion in his eyes. I didn't blame the kid.

Then I heard it. The Death Eaters had arrived. It took a second for me to assess the situation. If we remained inside, chances were the whole building could be blown up. But if we went outside, it made us a certain target.

"This Muggle house is most curious. Do you think it's a torture place?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Rookwood! Muggles are incapable of something so ingenious. Didn't you read the sign? It's a funhouse."

I froze at the voices. They were coming from our left, towards the entrance. I looked at the kids who seemed to not have been perturbed by the conversation.

I moved closer, waving them over, one hand on my wand, ready to fight if need be. Somehow, the plan formed in my mind. By some chance, the Death Eaters had taken the other direction first. But I knew that they'd turn back soon, for it led to a dead end. We didn't have much time.

"Hey kids, please don't speak, listen to me. There are some bad men in the funhouse tonight. They are part of the show."

"They are?" one of the girls asked curiously. She couldn't have been more than seven years old.

"Yes, but you cannot meet them. It's something special. You have to hide. If you hide well, so no one but me can find you, you will win a prize at the end."

"Prize?" all of them murmured.

"Yes, but you have to hide now. And do not make any noise. No matter what you hear. It's part of the show. They will try to trick you. No matter what, stay hidden. You will get your prizes only if I am the one to find you. Understood?"

The words were bitter in my mouth. I was telling them the same thing my brother had told me, and I didn't know if I was lying to them or not. But all of them seemed enticed by the idea and nodded in agreement.

Just as well, I heard the Death Eaters coming closer.

"Go!" I half-shouted in a forced whisper, and all of them ran to hide. I followed as quickly as I could, hiding myself as well.

My heart was racing, and I could have sworn that my breathing had gotten louder in the past two minutes.

"Yaxley, no one is here. We should go find the others. I hear a good battle outside."

"Patience, Rookwood, patience. I've had the feeling ever since we entered that we're not quite alone. The funhouse is for children, but if so, where are they?"

Where were they indeed, but I hoped that wherever they went, they were safe. And that Moody or someone else from the Order would come after me.

I heard the spell, rather than saw it, and immediately dodged and rolled. Soon the mirror I've been hiding behind blew into flames.

"Oh, oh! What did I tell you, Rookwood, someone is here."

Silently I fired a stunning curse at him, but he deflected it.

"Shhs shh, a fiery one. Tell me, were you expecting us? Is that why you were hiding behind that mirror?"

Time to lie to their faces.

"I was not. I was here to have fun. It's a funhouse," I pointed out dryly. Inside, I was so scared, I'd have probably given the game away were it not for the children who depended on me.

"Hmmf," he grunted, but seemed to believe me.

"And it's more fun to find a witch like yourself here," he said and fired another spell at me. I deflected, and thus the game began. Hide and seek, cover and attack; that was what was taught at the Academy. However, due to the fact that Muggles, kids, were hiding too, I couldn't really go on the offensive.

I hid behind walls, more mirrors, under a slide and behind giant spiders coming down from the ceiling. Somehow, I'd always feel the spells before they reached me, like vibrations in the air. It was one of the reasons they'd accepted me as an Auror Trainee. I had good reflexes.

But then, I felt another shift. There were more people in the funhouse than before.

"The Order," Yaxley hissed, and I heard them Apparating away.

"Fenwick! Are you there?"

I recognised the voice, but I couldn't be sure. Wand in hand, casting a shield around me, I came out from under the train rails going through the building for the supposed Dark Ride.

"Tell me something only Alastor Moody would know," I snarked, wand pointing at him.

He wasn't alone, there were two others from our team there, but if he was safe, they'd be safe too.

"You were hiding," he said instead, and there was something in his eyes I couldn't quite comprehend.

"Answer the question!" I hissed at him.

"You hate hide and seek," he murmured, and I realised he was indeed the real Alastor Moody. Who was shocked to see that I've succeeded in the very part of the Auror test I had failed. All the while without having a panic attack or screaming in fear.

"So I do," I said, but only slightly lowered my wand. "What's the situation outside?"

"Several injured and about five Muggles dead. No casualties for the Order, but we hit about ten Death Eaters tonight."

"There are about six kids who are hiding around here in the funhouse. I heard the Death Eaters and somehow I convinced the children to hide and only come out if I find them. We need to conjure some toys and plushies. I promised them they'd get a prize, " I said.

By the way he looked at me, I knew he understood why I needed to keep my promise.

Later that night, I returned to the funhouse with Tonks. She'd insisted on tagging along after receiving news of our operation at the park. Somehow, the funhouse seemed less scary now. I could see the appeal that the kids found in it. I would be lying if I said I was no longer scared of losing people, I was in fact, terrified, but I was a good Auror, I could be a good Auror and for that, I couldn't let the fear control me.

"You know," she said, breaking the silence, "Moody suggested I could train you, here, for the hide and seek part. That is…. if you agree."

I looked around the funhouse. Earlier, when we'd found the children, they'd seemed to have had fun hiding and running around. While I wasn't sure how much fun it could be for me, I was devoted to fully becoming an Auror.

"Yes."

"You're still not going to tell me what it is all about, are you?"

"Not yet," I murmured.

She nodded in agreement. "Very well. Should I hide and you try to find me?"

"No," I said, "I will hide, I am one of the best hiders in the world, after all."

Tonks didn't get it, but she didn't have to. She turned her back on me and started counting. I ran towards the mirrored corridor, letting the game begin. And for the first time in fifteen years, I felt somewhat free in a way. My brother may never be able to find me, but perhaps, by becoming an Auror, I could manage to find myself.