All right. This is yet another sequel to my "Chosen and Unchosen" story, set approximately a year or so later. You technically don't have to read it to understand or enjoy this fic. Just know that Warlock is currently living with Aziraphale and Crowley.
This fic doesn't feel like my best work, but I kind of wanted to write it regardless. Which means that you guys get to read it. Ready or not, here we go.
The Talk
A small crowd of confused and mildly suspicious humans [1] were crowded on the sofa and on the floor. Attendance, as they'd been informed, was mandatory. Newt and Anathema were pressed together on the cushions with him looking nervous about being invited and her looking bemused. The Them were sprawled on the floor, most of them quietly muttering among each other. Only two of the fourteen-year-olds seemed to know for certain what was coming, though the others had at least a vague idea of what sparked off the chain reaction. Adam was staring up at the ceiling as if it might offer some form of escape. And Warlock had buried his face in his hands as soon as everyone started arriving.
He didn't need any Dreams to guess how the rest of the afternoon would go. He knew his godparents too well.
Aziraphale was helpfully setting up the screen [2] while Crowley poked around with his laptop. The demon grinned manically as he worked. He always enjoyed a project. Even if he and Aziraphale prepared everything in less than a day rather than a complicated scheme that required months or years to set up.
"All right," said Crowley with a mischievous grin as he spun around to face his audience. "Do you know why we've brought all of you here today?"
Rolling her eyes, Pepper muttered, "Because Katie tried to flirt with Adam, tried to use ice cream as an excuse to sneak a kiss, and stormed off in a huff when he froze up rather than follow up with the traditional borderline toxic masculinity or overly macho behavior that she expected."
"How was I supposed to do know she'd do that?" asked Adam, still staring at the ceiling rather than face his friends.
"Kissing someone without permission could count as sexual assault," she added knowingly.
Not pulling his face from his hands, Warlock asked, "Do you have to keep quoting your mom?"
"What she's talking about does have relevance to the topics that we'll be covering," said Aziraphale distractedly, still fiddling around with a few wires. "I believe we're almost ready on this end, Crowley."
"Terrific." The demon tapped a few more keys on the computer before nodding with satisfaction. "And with that, we should be good to go."
Newt slowly raised his hand like he was back in school. Crowley raised an eyebrow over his sunglasses as he stared back. Then, when the young man didn't do anything further, he pointed at the bespectacled nerd.
"Why are we here?" asked Newt.
Crowley grinned before hitting a button. And with all the sound effects, swooping motions, and sparkles that a preteen would use for their first school project, the name of the presentation lit up the screen in bold yellow words on a blinding red background. [3]
The Talk
Groans and complaints immediately erupted from the captive audience. Young teenagers buried their faces with varying levels of blushes. The demon grinned evilly as he watched them squirm. There would be no escape. Awkward embarrassment and discomfort from being trapped in a small space as a group of friends learned blunt truths and intimate concepts that society taught should be simultaneously shameful and captivating? What could be more entertaining than that? And it was educational.
"Wait, why are you giving them the Talk?" asked Anathema. "Isn't that something that their parents should be involved in?" [4]
Raising his hand briefly, Wensleydale said, "Actually, they already told us about embryos, chromosomes, and fertilization. We know where babies come from. We are fourteen now."
"Yeah," added Brian. "I mean, who wouldn't know by that age?"
Aziraphale grinned at Crowley as the demon turned away, the faintest blush darkening his face. The angel coughed something that sounded like "unicorns." Which immediately made Crowley turn back to glare through his sunglasses.
"How was I supposed to know?" he snapped.
"A thousand years, my dearest. No idea for a thousand years."
"I just thought new humans, animals, and stuff popped up whenever She thought the world needed more. How was I supposed to know that sex did something other than make them feel good?"
Warlock somehow managed to bury his face even deeper into his hands as they continued speaking. Torn between embarrassment over the situation and finding it hilarious. Though judging by the way his shoulders shook, laughter was trying to win out.
Raising an eyebrow, Anathema said, "You're not really proving your qualifications for the task. Are you sure you don't want to let someone else do it?"
"Perhaps if we were dealing with normal puberty and such," said Aziraphale. "But as Crowley point out when Warlock brought up the incident with Ms. Katie to us, there were never any plans for what would happen once the Anti-Christ reaches this age."
"Or for someone else to try stealing the role," added Crowley, smirking proudly at Warlock.
Warlock managed to raise his head briefly and smile slightly. Pride won out over embarrassment enough for him to enjoy the comment. That wouldn't last long. It was inevitable. No conversation involving giving a collection of teenagers the Talk could ever go smoothly.
"In case those factors influence either of your developments, we thought it might be prudent to give a more thorough overview than what most of your peers will receive. And since we need to explain things to Adam and Warlock, it seemed reasonable to include the rest of Them in this informative lecture," said Aziraphale. [5] "Crowley was very excited to prepare the slideshow."
"Okay, making certain that they understand everything including any… supernatural stuff does seem responsible." Newt shifted awkwardly, still as red as a tomato and visibly uncomfortable. "But why are Anathema and I here? We both… I mean, we know about… uh…"
He trailed off as his voice turned squeaky and his skin managed to turn a new shade of red never before achieved by a human being. Anathema rolled her eyes and handed him a cushion to hide behind.
Tugging at his sleeves and straightening his coat, Aziraphale said, "Well, to be perfectly frank on the subject, we invited the two of you to join us because we thought it might be useful to have a human perspective. In case we forget or miss any details due to use being… Well…"
"Not human," said Crowley, peering over the top of his sunglasses.
"Right," said Aziraphale with a nod. "And not being human, we may miss something. Anything that we do not include, we would appreciate it if you could point it out afterwards."
Grinning evilly, the demon said, "Plus, I wanted to watch the nerd squirm a little."
Then the clapped his hands together, rubbed them gleefully like an excited cartoon villain, and turned his attention back towards the laptop. Crowley was in his element. Every human in the room immediately exchanged glances. [6] If nothing else, they assumed the lecture wouldn't be boring.
"Let's start at the beginning," said Crowley, switching to the next colorful slide with a tinny horn sound. There was only one word on the screen. "Attraction. All the different combinations of aesthetic, romantic, and sexual attraction. You kids are getting to the ages where you generally start noticing and experiencing attraction."
"Though it is perfectly normal not to experience attraction either," added Aziraphale. "It isn't quite as common, but we've encountered plenty of lovely humans like that. These days, I believe such people prefer to describe themselves as asexual, aromantic, or both. The various names and descriptions for all these forms of attraction have changed over thousands of years and it is best to consider them in rather fluid terms rather than anything concrete."
Nodding, Crowley said, "He's right. If you're not interested in any of this, there's nothing wrong with that. But you can't use it to get out of this. I have too many slides to let them go to waste."
"You just want to torture everyone, don't you?" said Brian.
"Demon. Remember?" Switching to a pair of rainbow-colored words that spun onto the screen, he said, "Aziraphale already mentioned it with asexuality and aromanticism, but there's a difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction."
The pair traded off, carefully working their way through their prepared list of terms. Breaking everything down and defining a variety of different sexualities. They were briefly distracted by the debate concerning bisexuality and pansexuality. Both Aziraphale and Crowley had strong preferences concerning which one to use in which case. But they eventually compromised that the terms overlapped a lot and that it mostly came down to personal taste. And by the time they'd identified most of the more common sexualities, Newt was slowly lowering the cushion enough for his glasses to be visible again.
"Any questions so far?" asked Aziraphale.
Frowning with thought, Wensleydale asked, "Should we know… Do we have to know if we're attracted to…?"
"You don't need to know anything yet," he said. "We just wanted you to have the information to help figure it out."
Crowley switched to the next slide. A cheery fanfare, a bright flash across the screen, and neon yellow letters appeared on a dark blue background. The comic sans font was a particularly lovely touch that the demon seemed proud of.
"Consent," said Crowley. "That's a big one. Once you figure out who you're attracted to, the next step is consent. Everyone involved has to agree to every part of events. And always give them the option to say 'no' or change their mind. Respect their right to say 'no.' That means you've got to be careful not to pressure them. Lots of ways to do it too. Physical violence and force are the most obvious ways to ignore consent and coincidentally reserve a seat in Hell, but there's more subtle ways. Alcohol, guilt, emotional manipulation, power imbalances, threats, nagging…"
"Miracles," added Aziraphale gently. "The ability to twist reality due to being the Anti-Christ."
"I wouldn't do that," said Adam.
Smiling, he said, "Of course not. We never thought you would. Certainly not on purpose. But we wanted to be thorough. And ensuring proper consent is vital. Anything important needs to be done right."
"Which means we get to explain all the ways that none of you better try when it comes to having sex with someone," said Crowley. [7]
The consent portion of the lecture took longer than the breakdown regarding sexualities. To the point that the teenagers [8] ended up rolling their eyes at several points. But both the angel and demon had spent too long on Earth. They didn't skip a single obscure example from their list.
"I thought the Talk was supposed to be awkward," muttered Brian, "not boring."
Elbowing him in the side, Warlock muttered, "Shut up. Don't tempt fate."
Aziraphale stepped out of the room briefly as Crowley finished up the explanation about why demonic miracles to compel a human into consenting or lowering their inhibitions wasn't actual consent. Then the angel returned with a cardboard box.
"What's that?" asked Newt, debating whether or not to lower his protective pillow shield.
"A few things that I picked up for more practical demonstrations," he said brightly. "I spent a decent amount of time in Soho and there's a shop not that far from mine that is surprisingly educational on such matters. They made it relatively easy to remain up to date on certain developments."
"And those developments are what we're talking about next," said Crowley.
The next slide swooped onto the screen, a neon green shade that seemed especially chosen to burn someone's eyes out. And it immediately set off some uncomfortable giggles and shuffling. Rather than any text, it was a picture of a pile of wrapped condoms.
"Aziraphale will be going over the different kinds of protection," he continued. "And I'll be sharing all the risks of not using protection. Syphilis isn't as big of a threat anymore, but…"
Crowley shrugged as he trailed off. The angel began pulling out a variety of wrapped packs of latex and more unusual bits. [9] He produced enough different types of contraceptives and protection that Anathema couldn't help raising an impressed eyebrow.
As detailed and thorough as Aziraphale was while explaining every form of protection, how to use it, and the various pros and cons, Crowley was equally graphic with his explanations about sexually transmitted infections and the less glamorous aspects of pregnancy. It took nearly an hour and several faces turned green before it was over. It could have easily worked as discouragement against having sex at all, but that wasn't their goal. They wanted to give them enough information to know what they really wanted.
Also, it combined two of Crowley's favorite things: satisfying curiosity and messing with a group of people for his own amusement.
When there was a brief lull in the conversation, Newt mumbled into the pillow, "Is it over yet? Can I go now?"
"Oh, hush," said Anathema, nudging him gently. "They're actually doing a good job."
Smirking, Crowley asked, "Any questions so far?"
"Yeah." Warlock looked up at them with an almost pleading expression. "Can we skip the rest?"
"No, Uncle Crowley," said Adam, shoulder slumping. "No questions."
"Terrific," he said. "And now that we've covered most of the background information, we can move onto the main event."
Warlock groaned, silently wondering if he could try sneaking out. [10] But that didn't stop the slide show from progressing. A cartoon human figure appeared on the screen with various sections highlighted in orange.
"Remember that the goal is to make everyone involved feel good. These areas of the physical body are particularly sensitive," said Aziraphale. "Touching them in different ways can relax or arouse. It might take some practice and experimentation to see which ones you or your partner prefer, but keep them in mind."
"Wait," interrupted Anathema with a confused frown. "I don't think those two spots on the back are erogenous zones."
Crossing his arms and not looking at her, Crowley said, "Maybe not on humans. But the places where wings manifest are a bit odd. The barrier between the physical and metaphysical is thinner. Makes those spots sensitive."
"Nanny," said Warlock slowly, "we don't have wings."
"Again, we don't know what Anti-Christ puberty will do. I would rather cover my bases." Turning his attention back towards the laptop, Crowley continued, "Now, in addition to the importance of foreplay, there's something else to keep in mind regardless of genitalia or number of participants involved."
He switched to the next slide. In huge flashing pink letters was the message Lube is your friend. Things did not get any less awkward for the audience as the angel and demon explained the exact mechanics of sex.
Aziraphale and Crowley clearly had no shame regarding the topic. Though they did occasionally get distracted by anecdotes that served as useful examples. There were too many historical events that they could draw upon to illustrate their point, even if they often talked about other less relevant things that were also happening back then.
No one could claim that they didn't do a thorough job. They covered every combination of genitalia and up to three participants at a time. [11] There were cartoon human figures demonstrating what they were describing. Cartoon figures with cartoon body parts that still got the message across. And they used the proper terminology for all the specific parts, concepts, and actions, Aziraphale's proper and polite voice as he explained everything in precise detail making everything worse as his audience cringed.
Which was why Crowley let him. The demon needed to get his entertainment somehow.
It was worse for one member of the audience. Warlock endured the absolute mortification as best that he could. If he could face down Satan, he could survive anything that his godparents could throw at him. [12]
As they seemed to be wrapping up their explanations regarding human sex, their audience began to relax. The end seemed to be in sight. Sweet escape beckoned. All the humans were looking forward to it, desperately wanting to flee from the source of far more knowledge than any of them ever wanted to learn. But if they'd been paying closer attention, they might have noticed that Aziraphale and Crowley started acting a little odd towards the end. A little more awkward and uncomfortable.
"Well," said Aziraphale, fidgeting with his waistcoat, "I suppose that should cover the basics regarding physical sex."
Rubbing his arm, Crowley muttered, "But just in case, we should… ngk… You know…"
Anathema, the member of the audience that was handling the lecture the best, figured out what the demon was trying to say first. Her eyes widened and a curious grin spread across her face.
"Wait, are you two about to explain angel sex?" she asked.
Abruptly, the two nonhumans were blushing almost as much as Newt. And the teenagers were immediately interested, shoving aside their previous discomfort to enjoy the way that Aziraphale and Crowley refused to meet anyone's gaze. After their casual treatment towards the rest of the Talk, it was a nice reversal to watch the angel and demon squirm.
"Technically it isn't sex since it has nothing to do with reproduction and the lack of anything capable of reproducing in our true forms anyway. It is a merging of essences," said Aziraphale as he continued to fidget with his clothes. "And it isn't solely for angels. Demons share the same potential."
"Same original stock," muttered Crowley. Still not looking at any of them, he said, "Don't know if Adam or Warlock could pull it off, but other humans definitely can't. Unless it works for one of you two and you start dating an angel or demon, it shouldn't matter."
Looking far too curious and suspicious, Pepper asked, "Do you two…?"
Somehow the angel and demon managed to turn a new shade of red never before seen by mortals. Aziraphale shifted and fidgeted, unable to stay still to the point that it looked like he wanted to climb out of his own skin. Crowley produced a lot of strange sounds without a single vowel involved. Enough to amuse most of the teenagers to the point that they needed to smother chuckles. But not all of them. Warlock's eyes were pressed shut while he rubbed his temples in circles, doing his best to forget everything. His brain would never forgive him.
"That is— That is a rather— Some things are rather personal," said Aziraphale, his expression flickering through a dozen emotions. "And— And perhaps we— We could wait on this part until— We don't know if it is even relevant for Adam or Warlock. Let's postpone this part for now."
"Or forever," said Crowley, not quite smothering out the whine from his voice.
Smirking, Anathema said, "You just don't want anyone asking any more questions about your possible love life."
"Ngk."
"Actually, I might like to ask some technical questions about the mechanics," she continued, looking thoughtful. "I don't think any of my books cover the topic and I might enjoy writing a paper on the subject. Would you be willing to discuss it at a later date?" [13]
"Grk."
"I don't need personal specifics. Unless you think it would help with the explanations."
"Hrk."
"Please stop talking," Warlock begged.
Nodding, Adam said, "We've been here all afternoon. If we promise to ask you guys if this ever comes up someday, can we skip ahead for now?"
"Right," said Crowley, wrestling his voice back under control. "We're almost done."
Frowning in confusion, Aziraphale asked, "What do you mean 'almost'? I thought that was everything that we discussed while planning this out."
Smirking, Crowley hit a button on the laptop. The screen shook like an earthquake and rumbling sound effects revealed a new slide. A yellow background with a picture of a small green serpent surrounded by pink cartoon hearts and orange letters stared back at the audience. And the words Snake Sex tried to sear into deep into their brains.
"No, no, no," said Warlock, standing up with every intention of escaping to his room upstairs.
"I wanted to cover all bases," he said smugly.
"Nope. I'm drawing the line, Nanny."
"Hellspawn, don't be like that. It'll be educational."
"I swear I'll sneak Brother Hamster into your bed while you're sleeping."
Crowley laughed quietly before hitting another button on the computer and ending the slide show. And immediately the entire room breathed a sigh of relief. They'd survived the Talk. And with only minimal mental trauma for everyone involved.
[1] And Dog, but he was napping in Adam's lap.
[2] Despite what some might think, he wasn't completely helpless when it came to technology. He was the first angel to own a computer. He just didn't upgrade things as quick and preferred to keep using something that already worked.
[3] Crowley didn't invent the powerpoint program, but he did enjoy playing with it and finding the most obnoxious combinations of effects.
[4] A health class teacher would also work, but Anathema grew up in the United States and had Opinions regarding their competency when it came to sex ed.
[5] In case Adam or Warlock decided to date one of their friends in the future, though the angel had enough tact not to suggest such a thing to the entire group. He understood that sometimes it took time, patience, and care in order to properly address those types of feelings. Pushing the topic too quickly would cause more harm than good. And they might not develop crushes on each other. But at least everyone would be on even footing when it came to being informed.
[6] Except Newt, who was trying to burrow out of sight into his defensive cushion shield.
[7] While he preferred wide-scaled temptations, Crowley had been on Earth too long not to witness some of the more personal and intimate sins. Enough to know that some evils were definitely human inventions and that he wanted nothing to do with those twisted people.
[8] And Anathema
[9] And a banana. Because some cliches were expected when it came to the Talk.
[10] He didn't know if Aziraphale and Crowley slept together except in the most literal and innocent way, but he definitely didn't want to find out if they decided to discuss it as a possible example. There were certain mental images that he didn't need.
[11] "After that point, there is a certain amount of redundancy."
[12] Even if hearing Aziraphale use the phrase "achieve orgasm" would haunted him for years to come.
[13] Part of her screamed at Anathema to remember how much work and how hard it was to write her thesis. Because what she was suggesting would be just as difficult and stressful to write. And yet Anathema couldn't help it. The temptation to work on a paper discussing such a unique subject with easily-accessible primary sources was too strong to resist.
Hopefully someone out there at least got a chuckle out of this fic. I couldn't resist writing something on the topic.