Summary: Just recently rewatched this movie and felt inspired! This is a short, introspective oneshot looking at Nina's thoughts at the end of the movie.
Pairings: hints of Nina & Lily
Genres: Angst, Tragedy, Hurt/Comfort
Spoilers: As it is set at the end it does give away what happens throughout the movie, particularly the ending.
Warnings: Character death; hints at mental illness
Author's Notes: I admittedly wrote quite a bit of this in the middle of the night, and most of the rest I wrote as it popped into my head - so, I'm not entirely sure how well this turned out, though, personally I do rather like it and I hope anyone reading this will enjoy it! 😊

Perfection

This wasn't just the final act of tonight's performance. It was the final act to her story, her life. And it was perfect. It was what she wanted. What she had always wanted. For this to be the final moment. To go out in a burst of flame, not slowly fade away like the flickering shine of a dying candle. She didn't want to end up like her greatest idol, Beth, to be admired by everyone only to slowly morph into a mere shadow of that glory, into someone others looked at with utter pity - praying they would never end up like that.

She had been perfect tonight, the absolute height of her potential. She would be more than content to die now with that knowledge. Part of her wanted nothing more than that! To die tonight and be forever remembered for the perfection of her final performance, which would only be heightened by the bittersweet tragedy of her death right afterwards. Then nobody would ever be able to take this away from her. Never would she have to compete with anyone again. She won't have to fear people judging her every future performance, every future move on this evening - and never being enough. Deep down she knew she would never be able to shine brighter than tonight, probably not even as bright as she did now. And she utterly loathed the thought of ever being less than she was right now!

Never in her life had she been happier, prouder of herself, than she was right now. She truly had transcended tonight. Just as Thomas had wanted her to. She hadn't merely danced the Black Swan. She had become the Black Swan. She had allowed herself not just to lose herself tonight, but to allow the darkness within her to break forth. To consume her. And it had allowed her to attain this perfection, to unleash her true potential and give the best performance of her life.

All her life she had strived to be perfect. She had practiced day after day for hours on end, pushing and pushing herself through any fatigue, any discomfort or minor illness, even if it meant working herself into the ground. Even if her toes were bleeding, her toe-nails torn in, and her feet covered in blisters, while her whole body ached from the strain of her rigorous training. After all, she had to be perfect! She couldn't allow herself to let her mother down, to disappoint her, her mentors, all those who believed she was capable of true greatness as a dancer. She was certain that people would be tempted to point their fingers at her mother for pushing her into ballet, for trying to make her fulfill her mother's unrealized dreams of being a renowned prima ballerina, the star of the company... And, yes, she certainly had felt quite a lot of pressure from her mother, already because she had known from a very young age of the potential career her mother had given up for her sake - for the sake of having her in the first place. Yet, as tempting as this notion was, it was not all there was to her ambition, her craving for perfection. She had wanted to be a ballerina! Within months of having slipped on her first pair of ballet slippers at the age of three she had already fallen in love with this beautiful form of art, enchanted by the elegance and grace exuded by those who had already made it in this competitive world. But she knew there were so many others who held the same dream as she did, wanting to become a star, to be admired... Yet, only so very few lucky ones ever succeeded. So the only way to realize her dream was to become the best, to train harder than anyone else, to push herself a little more whenever she felt she couldn't go on. Ballet required dedication. Even if the height of your ambition was to merely make it as a dancer, not caring if it was just in some mediocre little company and ending up dancing before small audiences in far-flung places, even then you had to have the dedication and drive to never let up on your training. And if you wanted to make it into a major company you only had to work that much harder! Even when you finally had made it and had been accepted into a good company you could never let up on training, practicing. As a dancer - a ballerina, you could never ease up on your discipline.

Her thoughts then drifted to her mother... Nina would have cringed at the thought of her if she'd had enough strength left within her. Yes, she loved her mother. Despite how much she had sometimes pressured her, while at times seemingly trying to discourage her - or even downright attempting to sabotage her in the same breath, the same instant. Even though her mother had tried to control her whole life, still treating her like a little girl, like she were no older than twelve when she was actually almost thirty! But then again, she had allowed that. Often times she had even somewhat enjoyed it, to be pampered and guarded... For the longest time she had allowed her mother to run her life, to patronize her like a little child. The thought of rebellion, of breaking out of the gilded cage her mother kept her in, had never even truly entered her mind, let alone been able to take hold until those last couple of weeks. Until Lily and the new season of the company. Before she had been chosen to dance the lead role in Swan Lake. Allowing her mother to treat her the way she did, like she was just a little doll, had been a source of comfort to her whenever she had been struggling, whenever she'd had to face disappointment. But it had also kept her trapped, had kept her small. It had caused her to remain oh-so timid, naive even. Her whole life had revolved around her career, her training. Where other girls had simply enjoyed their lives, playing with their friends, going shopping and later partying their nights away, hooking up with guys, she had been in a dance studio, working for her dream.

And then Lily had come along...

Perhaps her rival was at least in part to blame for the recent events, for her spiraling out of control, losing her grip on reality. And yet... And yet in some ways Lily had been also something akin to her salvation. Lily had set her free. It had been Lily who had caused her to rebel against her mother, to break out of that bubble of innocence and safety she had been living in. Probably, if Lily hadn't shown up, she never would have questioned her life, would never have started to crave some measure of freedom. In addition, if it hadn't been for Lily causing her to feel so threatened for the lead in Swan Lake she may have never pushed herself the way she had. She might have never been able to give such a stunning performance as she had tonight.

But she knew there was more to Lily - and to her relationship with her, than that. She guessed that, in her dying moments, there was no real reason not to acknowledge the fact that she felt drawn to the other woman, that Lily even sparked up emotions and desires within her that she had never expected to feel. And how could she not be intrigued by her, how could she possibly not be captivated by and even in outright awe of the other woman? Lily was like the perfect polar opposite of herself. Whereas she herself was timid and restrained, Lily was free-spirited, uninhibited and truly confident. Lily had no qualms about breaking rules or taking risks, she just enjoyed life fully and whole-heartedly without regard to what others might think. When it came to dancing her technique may not be entirely perfect or flawless, but from just one look at Lily while she was dancing, one could tell just how much she enjoyed it. There never seemed any stiffness or pretense in the way she moved, she just let go and allowed herself to get fully absorbed in what she was doing. Not like Nina did herself, always worrying about her form, her technique and what others might think about her. Truthfully, she wished she had met Lily sooner, that she could have broken free sooner from all that was holding her back and really enjoyed her life. Maybe then things could have turned out differently than they had ended up... Maybe it wouldn't have come to this, to her dying on this stage. Maybe she could have found some kind of balance in her life, maybe she could have been able to find happiness both on stage and off. Maybe she could have experienced love and built a life with someone ... perhaps even with Lily ... or perhaps just someone like Lily, someone who challenged her in the best of ways, challenged her to grow beyond what she thought was possible, challenged her to claim her freedom. Now she would never know, and Nina couldn't deny that this realization did send stabbing pain through her ... or maybe that was just her actual stab wound.

... She hadn't even realized what had happened... Hadn't realized that in her panicked frenzy, as everything had seemed to be closing in on her, the torments conjured up by her mind overtaking any remaining grip she'd had on reality, as she had trashed her dressing room fending off whom she had believed to be Lily intent on stealing - ruining - her chance at glory, she had only been fighting her own hallucinations ... that she had stabbed herself with the mirror shard. She hadn't even felt the pain. Probably the adrenaline, the panic - not so much brought on by her tortured psyche but panic that she would screw up even more than when she had slipped and fallen earlier in the performance, that she would still be robbed of the glory she could achieve tonight... It had only been once she had taken her leap off the mock-up cliff sealing Odette's - and her own - tragic end, that she had realized, had felt the pain suddenly gripping her, had become aware of the blood seeping out of her...

But now, lying here, drawing ever closer to her death, suddenly everything was so perfectly clear again... Suddenly there was such a pure, crystaline clarity she had never experienced, had never even imagined possible. People had it all wrong... There was no flash of images, life experiences rushing through your mind in one quick burst. Or at any rate, not for her. No... Granted, there were images, moments, impressions flickering through her consciousness... Her first ballet lesson. Joining the company. Hours spent in the studio. Celebrating her triumphes with her mother. Her mother's comforting arms around her at any setback. Arguing with her mother... Meeting Lily. Her first (and only) night of clubbing. Seeing the cast list for this seasons's Swan Lake. Tonight's performance... But, truly, they were mere snapshots. It all seemed so distant, detached from her, like it might as well be someone else's life she now looked at, analyzed, reflected on, evaluated. Every moment of significance in her life flashed up in her mind like a sudden bright light, every detail - even the seemingly most inconsequential aspect - standing out to her in stark, crystal sharp relief as they passed her by almost as if in slow motion, to then die out, fade away. But really, more than anything, it were emotions, visions of what-ifs and what-could-have-beens, that seemed to consume her in these final moments... The question; had it really been worth it all.

Yet, in the end, at least she'd had these last few, brief weeks - as haunting and outright terrifying as they had been. She had tasted freedom. She had experienced true joy outside of a ballet studio, off-stage. Finally she had felt passion, desire ... pleasure. Perhaps even a glimpse of love, though she truthfully wasn't sure about that - had whatever she felt for Lily been love, or some semblance thereof? She had no idea. Frankly, mostly because she had no real reference point, which Nina supposed was rather tragic, some people might have even used the word pathetic, but then again, with her schedule ... between being cooped up in a ballet studio for hours on end every day and her domineering mother, there never had been much time for romance in her life. And now it was too late for that. It was too late for second guessing and sad regrets. What would be the point in questioning and lamenting her choices and actions now? There was no changing any of it. And in the end, did she even truly regret the path she had taken in life up to tonight? After all, if she had lived her life any different than she had done, then yes, she might not have missed out on so many things that most people valued so much, but she no doubt wouldn't have achieved her own dream - rising up the ranks of the company, earning the lead in Swan Lake, and giving as brilliant a performance as she had done tonight.

So, no... As she was lying here, dying, on this mat at the back of the stage, surrounded by the shocked members of the company, Thomas leaning over her, checking on her, trying to stop the bleeding, while someone else was frantically on the phone, calling for help ... help that would never arrive in time ... she realized with that same, mesmerizing, serene clarity that, no, she had no regrets over any of it. Not over the way she had lived her life. Not over the things she had missed out on. And not over her impending death. If anything it all just seemed to make perfect sense to her... She wanted this! All of it... Because it all had led her here; to this night. All the struggles, the self-doubts, the obstacles, the sacrifices, the pain, the pent up frustrations... It all had built up to these past, tumultous weeks, had allowed her to break free from all her constraints, had allowed her to harness all the emotions, desires - every aspect of her being - she had denied existed all these years just so she could be that picture-perfect image of innocence, living her life in the pastel dreams of the little girl envisioned by her mother. But finally, thanks to Lily, she had finally shattered that gilded cage of her life, she finally had allowed all that she had kept bottled up to burst free and in doing so she had finally unlocked her full potential, surpassing everything, anything, she had ever imagined possible. In the end all of it, and especially these last few weeks, had led her to this ... had allowed her to give the best performance of her life in the role of her dreams. It had all led up to those moments of glorious perfection, of transcending all her inhibitions, all that had held her back, all her hopes and dreams... And now nobody could ever take those moments away from her.

No, nobody could take this away from her! Nobody could ever compete with her now. And as she was drawing her final breath, all the pain gone now, everything around her blurring into a glimmering kaleidoscope of colors and abstract shapes, she only felt a magnificent sense of absolute peace, knowing she was dying in her most glorious moment.

At last she had achieved her one true dream...

At last she had achieved perfection.

And that was all she had ever truly wanted ... to be perfect.

~oOo Fin oOo~

Author's Notes: Thanks for reading! As always, feedback would be very much appreciated.