I don't own Konosuba or the image used. There will be spoilers, thanks for reading (:
Chapter: 1
I had just woken up from a quick nap, the comfortable AC air, washing over me, while I browse through various anime sites in search of some quick fan service. Currently, my party and I are in Eris's little slice of heaven as we make ourselves comfy.
Megumin is at the far end of the couch, where my legs are resting, whereas Aqua has an entire couch to herself; arguing with her would only result in a headache.
"Kukukuku, I, Donkuro will now destroy Earth, goodbye Haruto; Yo-you can't, how could you Donkuro, we were like brothers!"
Aqua's reading out loud like a three-year-old, while she traces her finger across some atrocious manga.
"Oi, shut it. I'm trying to watch my high-quality anime here, woman! I get that you don't understand social etiquette but when someone is observing art, the other person should be quiet. Allowing that person to soak in the masterful work. Are you really so quaint, as to not know this? And what trash are you even reading? Stop viewing that inferior thing called 'manga', and look at some real work."
"Well, at least manga has me use my knowledge-filled godly brain. I saw somewhere that if you watch too much anime, you may catch some kind of NEET disease, making you a blight on society."
Aqua's eyes suddenly glaze over in a pitying way, mid deplorable speech.
"Kazuma, Kazuma, I think it may already be too late for you... I-I believe you already have 'that' illness. Your family and friends have seen you as a disappointment and failure for a long time, not to mention that 'figure' collection. I-I'm so sorry Kazuma, it's a natural disease regrettably, so not even I the great Aqua can heal you."
Can I be charged for murder in heaven?
"Hey, you ugly-goddess, someone like me isn't seen as a disappointment... And these aren't just 'figures'. Hell, you made a small portion of them, so what are you saying? Are you a Neet too for making some? Because that's a whole step above owning them!"
"Kazuma, Kazuma."
Megumin makes the perfect getaway from this troubling goddess.
"Yes, I'm Kazuma."
"Put that optical masterpiece on, The one with the mechanical beings and explosions! It's really cool! To think you would know of such art, it's so transcendent. It absolutely belongs with the crimson demons."
"Yep, you're sure right it does."
She's referring to the trash I put on, I was trying to show off to her CGI explosions. It was to impress her... But it backfired.
"For some reason, I have a feeling that was an insult."
Megumin looks on with scepticism.
"If you're gonna put anything on how about; relaxing water sounds, that can help your sleep-deprived mind?"
Just after Aqua gives an undesirable response, a very unfortunate scene happens; the dense main character stumbles over on some diminutive-loli tits, really making me look like filth for my previous statement.
"Eh? Kazuma-Trash, have you finally accepted your Pedo-Neet status? I see nothing changed, even after annihilating the devil king you're scum as always."
Her expression is of genuine underserving disgust.
"I-I'm not scum, an-and O-of co-course I haven't. Don't turn this into our everyday common misunderstandings! That was just unlucky timing. An-and anime doesn't count, it's a drawing; it wouldn't hold up in court! Besides I cherish big giant boobies on tall beautiful women, not small anthill like loli-tits."
"Oh? Do you have a problem with a more petite form? That's a rather brave thing for you to say, Kazuma."
That intense voice sneaks up from behind me. I feel a delicate hand seizing my shoulder, strenuously.
When did she leave the couch? How menacing.
I gracefully turn around and give the voice's owner, Megumin, a stunning smile, my eyes sparkling with loving warmth, to really convey my passion.
"Megumin whatever could you mean? You're a fully developed young lady. Are you may perhaps insinuating that you're from the loli variety? Well, my dear friend, I must confess you have developed quite nicely~. Though not on the level of Darkness or even Aqua they're very perky and feel remarkably nice on my overworked back. Almost like a heavenly massage after a hard day's work."
I gamble against every loli comment I've ever made to satiate Megumin and her explosive tendencies.
"Hmm, overworked back? Is it sore? Kazuma, want me to give a massage?"
Clearly, my charm must be at peak performance, not only has she gracefully accepted my immoral speech but she's offering a massage. Finally, some more romantic development. This is exactly how a wife and husband should act! After a long day's work, the breadwinner, meaning me should get a sensual reward. We haven't done anything after killing the devil king, no progress in the pursuit of love was made at all, and now I have the chance for a passionate rub-down. May-maybe after this starter, we can continue in bed, heh.
"Wel-well, now that you mention it my shoulders have been feeling a little stiff recently, it's an ache; right here. Megumin, I wouldn't mind if you used your dainty fingers to give me some tender relief."
"Ahhh~, right there Megumin, a little higher, higher, higher. Wai-wait, too high, too high. Ack, you're choking me. Stop right now, you deranged loli! Sto-stop... I take it back, I'm sorry, please stop!"
She attempts to unjustly strangle me from her rough 'massage', all I did was compliment her. And yet she's attacking me, how cruel can you be?
"I'm terribly sorry, Kazuma, I forget how much stronger I am than 'the man' in our relationship, what's your level again, twelve? Thirteen? I almost neglected your brittleness and the need for extra care."
With a glowing smile on her lips, Megumin says something deeply emasculating.
"I'll have you know, I killed the devil king, meaning I went up thirty or so levels, not to mention my training. I'm a bonified badass, with so many achievements under my belt, that I'm practically crippling under my own success. So don't compare me to my previous scrub self, a lot of character development has happened since then."
I hand her my adventure card, to prove myself.
"A-aren't these stats a little low. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it Kazuma, what I meant is; do you need any help with anything? I-it's no trouble, I'm not implying that you need my help, ah?"
She looks on with pity.
Adding to my anguish, the anime-loli blushes and yells, "Ma-master~! I love you, master~." From The turbulent smart-tv, making me look even worse due to my taste in animated television shows.
Aqua's already freezing eyes start to rage like an icy blizzard.
"Pedo-Neet."
This goddess...
"Owww~! these colours, the patterns, I can't keep up. How amazing~! To think this is the kind of technology heaven has, I can't wait to die!"
Darkness is playing some old rhythm arcade game, her feet consistently missing at every cue while falling over repeatedly. A huge blush decorates her cheeks, while she wheezes. Something tells me this pervert may just fit in at my hometown's almost-defunct arcade, in which a lot of profligates loiter for debauchery.
"Um, excuse me, but do you plan on staying here much longer?"
The goddess of luck; Eris, comments, huh? I forgot she was here.
"Sadly, my body has already begun to mould to this comfortable cushion, if I move my skin will peel away, I will definitely perish; it's a shame, but I'll have to stay here until my organs fail. Oi, Megumin, be a sweetheart and get me a coffee; stirred. Anyway, why do you care Eris?"
Megumin surprisingly obeys my command; going into the kitchen for my awaited hot beverage.
"Wel-well, it's just that, you're blocking souls from coming in. Please don't take this the wrong way, but can you leave now... please?"
"Eris, I admire you, no, I cherish you; so much I still have your treasured panties pinned to my wall. But they'll have to wait. I'm finally taking my long-awaited vacation, and what are they doing? Floating around purgatory, real slothful stuff; I earned this break, through my own manly blood, sweat and tears while they're out there breaking one of the deadly sins, disgusting."
"M-my pan-panti...?!"
"Kazuma's correct; it's really revolting. When I'm overworked, I'll simply send them to heaven without asking, problem solved. I swear, Eris you're very inefficient at this whole goddess business, maybe I should report you to the higher-ups?"
Aqua casually threatens Eris while she admits her negligence of human souls. I'm beginning to suspect there's a reason I was able to 'pick' her as my 'cheat.' And overworked? That's impossible to believe; the only thing she 'overworks' is her jaw muscles from eating a ludicrous amount of food, the bimbo did nothing but that while she 'processed' me.
My drink I mean Megumin comes back, a coffee in hand.
"It's a little hot, Kazuma, but you should naturally find it more than adequate, I'm a prodigy when it comes to beverages, and other hot drinks."
I take a weary sip, it doesn't seem to be laced with poison.
"I can clearly see what you're thinking Kazuma, do you think so low of I."
"Nonono, I was merely smelling the succulent flavour, wonderful job, Megumin."
She looks beyond sceptical.
I take a larger gulp, the surprisingly nice liquid hitting my throat.
"Mhhhm~, simply divine my dear Megumin, divine, you could be a professional barista, hey, I have an idea why don't you get me another one, but this time wearing a maid uniform. Be sure to say; Mas-master, I have that drink you ordered, master~."
Megumin looks stuck between content and irritated from my comment, in a jumbled mix.
"Well, I'm glad you like it, but don't push your luck Kazuma. There is a lot I'm willing to put up with, but I'm not Darkness; if you wanted a moaning pervert then you chose poorly."
"N-no, it was a joke, but seriously this is simply divine~."
Let's hope she doesn't see the maid uniform that I brought; the perfect size for the loli.
"Hmm, the technique I used was a budget one, passed on by my mother, she was spewing nonsense concerning me finding a man the entire time. Maybe she would have been correct, but someone like Kazuma is very low-maintenance."
What does she mean by low maintenance?
"Not only a talented chef but one with a small budget, you would make the perfect mother."
"Wha..."
Eh? what's with the startled face? I feel a misunderstanding afoot.
"Wh-what? Well, bein-being a mother... it's a thought I wouldn't mind, for the future."
Geez, her eyes are bright; smile gleaming. This is getting way too real! Time to ground this child, back to reality. If we continue, I'll say something I might regret.
"Hell, why don't we start right now!"
I said the wrong thing!
"Kazuma, isn't that a little quick? I get that with my fast-paced life you may get swept up in the flair, it's a natural occurrence. But aren't you a little cowardly to want a child? You shouldn't have the backbone for such an act."
"I'-I'm not cowardly! I would be a great father, I wouldn't allow my child to become some sort of unmeaningful-Neet, truly if that were to happen it would be the parent's fault."
"For some reason, I sense a hidden underlining guilt in those words..."
AHHH! Time to smooth this out, I grab the explosion enthusiast by the shoulders and gaze into her red orbs, she even blushes at my sudden act. This isn't the smoothing out I meant!
Ahhh! I'm just going with the flow, I don't understand romance, I'm just a filthy-Neet, I take all of it back!
"Megumin, what I meant to say is; will you be my mommy? Give me those Megumilks, feed me."
I immensely regret my actions, please forgive me!
"I wish that was me, for such a degrading act to happen!"
It's almost like I can hear a certain pervert shriek in ecstasy.
"You're a sickening insect, one that even birds avoid. Can't you at least try and be romantic? I get that you're Kazuma and sentimental acts are too high for your empathy, but still..."
"Eh? Megumin's the one lecturing me on being romantic? I must have seriously messed up."
Due to the heat of the moment, I say something that causes Megumin's already cold eyes to turn even colder.
Darkness has decided that now is the best time to make an unwelcome entrance. While gesturing at us, the pervert abruptly ceases her depraved behaviour. Her face changes from pleasure to seriousness quicker than the national speed limit.
"All of you, cease being so disrespectful! Lady Eris, we will leave right now. I apologise for our inconvenience; as a crusader, it was extremely irresponsible of me to even consider remaining here. I barely have the privilege to lick the mud off your holy boots with my unworthy tongue, yet I've been staying in your blessed abode. To correct my offensive, rancid conduct, I'm going to give myself many lashings."
"Wha-what? You don't have to..."
Eris tries to reason with the out-of-control pervert but it's unsuccessful, just like telling your Alzheimer's-affected grandmother that you're not her son.
"Kazuma, get the whip. I know a man like you has to have one!"
Darkness descends on me, much like a lust-filled vampire as she searches my person for her degenerate sex toy.
"A man like me?! I don't own one, you demented succubus! What kind of deviant do you take me for?"
Let's just ignore the casual harassment of Megumin earlier.
Meanwhile, Aqua is approaching Eris, the worthless goddess looking triumphant, her chest puffed out in empty arrogance.
"Obviously, as a goddess, it's my righteous privilege to stay. You can take the Filthy-Neet and others, but I'm a holy being, so I'm free to come and go as I please, right?"
Aqua completely unashamed, naturally hurls us all under the bus, her talent for being useless showing off.
"Aq-Aqua-Sa-Sama, yo-you... signed up on the retirement contract, officially you're only allowed in the upper sanction of heaven."
Ahhh, I recall Eris advising Aqua against it because much of her divine rights would be stripped away, but she totally disregarded her help.
"What?! What are you talking about?! I thought it would encourage me to not work when I wanted while still enjoying the luxuries of a goddess, so I revoke my signature! I revoke! I revoke! You deceived me! Eris, you sly little witch, I've always known you wanted my place!"
When Aqua howls at the poor goddess of fortune, the switch between a psychopathic narcissist and roaring banshee is flipped.
I can already sense the chuunibyou permeating off Megumin as she suddenly clears her throat in a grand gesture.
"I've made up my mind! I-I don't have a choice. I must... leave with Darkness; if I stay any longer, this dark overwhelming feeling that begs me to EXPLOSION! will become unbearable. If that were to happen, I'll pierce the heavens and reduce this divine paradise into holy ruins, rendering the devil king's deeds trivial in comparison!"
Megumin carelessly admits her depraved feelings of pious mass genocide, with two now uncomfortable goddesses in the room.
"What are you yapping about? You've left multiple times already! Don't you and Darkness head back for a quick explosion almost every noon. This isn't some ploy to drag me with you, is it?"
"Don't you trust me? Even if it was, is that so bad, Kazuma?"
"Yes."
"S-so suddenly."
"Listen up, I'm not leaving no matter what, so bye you three. See you in a couple of months or so."
I respond; the amount I care very low.
"I... was actually hoping all of you would lea..."
"We-well, this Neet has a habit of getting himself into trouble without our help, so it's unavoidable. I'll stay, begrudgingly as well; it's an embarrassment, but bye you two."
What a hypocrite, Aqua uses me as an excuse because she refuses to admit that she, too, is a Lazy-Neet.
"It's fine, you can both stay here. I'll make the most of this opportunity; I've always wanted to set off an explosion in our own mansion! The act of destroying my home is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity I cannot pass up!"
Tch, this girl.
Megumin starts moving; looking back at Aqua and me occasionally, I'm not some toddler, just because you start to 'leave' while threatening me does not mean I will fold easy.
"I'm aware of this scam, and I'm not going fall for it like some frightened moron. The chances of you actually doing something are slim, and even if you do. I can just use the money I got from slaying the devil king to buy a bigger, better mansion. If you're expecting me to say something like; wai-wait a second Megumin, I've changed my mind, I'm co-coming! Do-don't go. Then the crimson demons famed intellect must be greatly exaggerated, especially with you being top of the year; shitty-loli!"
The explosion maniac has her back to me, while she halts mid-step, forbiddingly.
"...Oi, Kazuma, all your yelling, ranting, and mocking of me and my clan won't stop the destructive display I'm about to unfold."
Di-did her voice, really come out so cold?
"I can't respect your decision Kazuma, I understand the work you've done is profoundly significant, but that doesn't mean you should resort back to your troubling Hiki-Neet way of life. You're a hero now, one that may be immortalised forever, you have a big commitment."
Darkness participates in convincing me to leave, with a noble act but she's the furthest thing to noble there is.
"Saying that only makes me believe I should have left the adventuring to someone else! Aren't you apparently some famous noble? Surely you can pull a few strings and change the official story; Mitsurugi killed the devil king, don't people love that windbag? Overall it's a well-rounded solution, but make sure it's not too favourable, specifically add-in; after a gruelling fight, the hero 'regrettably' lost his reproductive organs. Don't want any more women dripping for that pretty boy."
"Do you have self-esteem issues? Kazuma, you shouldn't compare yourself to other people, you look... fine. Additionally, don't ask that of me! I will not use my influence to change history at your will, everyone already knows what you did! I won't allow you to idle your life away; are you really so apathetically lazy?"
"Wh-what was that pause before 'fine' about?! An-and I didn't realise you had a monopoly on the direction my life undergoes because I'm sure you don't, or else you'd force me to sexually assault you! I can only imagine the procreative mysteries locked away in that suggestive mind of yours."
"An-anyway, certainly someone like you would love to brag about their accomplishments, why are you so against leaving?"
"You misunderstand, I don't mind the notoriety for my massive list of achievements, but I don't want the baggage that comes with it. If people start expecting stuff from me, that severely limits my relaxation time. Now, why don't you go harass some school children or whatever you do, erogenous freak."
It's an honest coin flip with how Darkness will act, on one hand, she may orgasm, or she may suddenly grow a backbone.
It's proved to be a mix of both as she tries to punch me with a flushed face, but misses so bad she hits the unfortunate tv; eighty centimetres or so away; piercing right through the two-dimensional anime loli.
"Hey, Hiki-Neet, even if everyone recognises your defeat of the devil king, not a single person will lower themselves to ask you for anything; so don't be concerned. Now, kindly praise me for my reassuring words!"
"Wh-where did that warped perception come from? You alcoholic goddess, I hope one of the privileges you lost was your divine-liver so you die of alcohol poisoning, you rainbow vomiting crustacean!"
While Aqua and I get in a fisticuff fight, Megumin and Darkness start heading toward the teleport I set up, totally disregarding me and the useless goddess, while going straight for Belzerg.
I almost immediately prove what I said to Megumin earlier was false.
"Wai-wait, If you're gonna ruin your own home, go for the crimson demons instead of my magnificent mansion! You'd be doing the world a favour if you accomplished that!"
"Neet, you better go and stop them; Emperor Zell is there, and if he dies I will never forgive you."
"You blue-bitch! I'm not responsible for your shit-stained chicken; be a dependable pet owner and put a stop to it. If I'm leaving, you ought to be too."
"Don't talk to a goddess that way! Listen, you Hiki-Neet, this is my home, naturally, I will stay. I know you're gonna miss me, so I give you permission to pay off my booze tab to remember me by."
I start creating a small amount of earth within my open palm.
"H-hey, Kazuma, are you planning to do some gardening? Th-the weather in heaven is sure ripe f-for some good ole potato seeds. I-I mean surely you wouldn't us-use that on me."
"Wind Breath,"
I spray the grain directly into Aqua's cobalt eyes. She makes a weird dying cat sound, it's oddly fitting coming from her mouth.
"I'll smite you!"
The worthless goddess rushes at me, but due to her now-impaired vision, she intersects with Megumin, Darkness and I, all of us collapsing in a jumble of arms and legs, like a miserable game of twister.
"Ahhh~, Kazuma, I think your arm i-is touching m-my...Eyaaa~!"
Darkness stops mid-sentence while making lewd moaning sounds.
I start viciously grabbing around for a feel but am sorrowfully met with Aqua's hair.
"Oi, stop, you horney pervert! My arms are nowhere near you. Are you really so delusional that you're making up some weird fantasy about me? Stop violating my human rights!"
"Eh? where's my staff, wai..."
Before Megumin can make a truly horrifying discovery, the teleport I set up begins to start without my interference, is it a glitch? This world does have various game mechanics, so it's only natural for there to be bugs. That must be why my party is so messed up, their personalities have to be malfunctioning.
"I can't keep this up! You've been here for a month; wallowing in your own filth! I wouldn't mind if you cleaned up after yourselves, but Kazuma my couch smells like death. I'm sorry, but you can't stay. I've been patient, while I allowed you here but this is too much!"
In a shocking plot twist it was Eris, how could she? She pretends to be the perfect heroine but acts like this, I want my appreciation back!
"By your expression Neet, you too are now finally seeing this padded chested whore for what she actually is."
Maybe I was overstepping a few minor boundaries... I'll apologise to Eris later.
"Ahhhh~! For my own goddess to look at me with such distaste."
"She's not, she's only looking at Kazuma and Aqua..."
Sadly, Megumin is completely true.
Something went wrong after a shakey teleportation ride. We were dispatched at least four hours away from Belzerg; the wrath of a truly competent goddess is very terrifying.
But we got home with little to no trouble, well except at one point where Darkness almost jumped headfirst in a pit of lava, but you know, that's neither here nor there.
And now that we're here, for some unexplained reason everyone halts their various activities to stop and stare. Well, we did leave very suddenly, right after killing the devil king, they're all probably in awe of such heroes.
Speaking of our newly gained fame, a small kid around ten; comes hurrying up to us. A fan, my popularity must be taking root.
"Eh? what's this?"
The child hands me a scrolled up parchment, it even has one of those gnarley red wax things. This must be my official decree, maybe I've been given land? Or perhaps an entire kingdom for my good deeds.
"It's your funeral expenses, sir."
Eh?
"My what?"
"You're Kazuma, Aqua, Dustiness Ford Lalatina and Megumin, correct?"
Despite Saying Darkness's full name, he only uses our first ones. Unreasonably the influential are treated a lot better, it's so unfair, I made my wealth from scratch yet some woman with a golden spoon born in her mouth get's the acknowledgement.
Darkness leans down to the boy's height and smiles politely, which would be a comforting gesture if it weren't for the fact that I've seen her pull that exact face when dealing with bloodthirsty quest mobs.
"Excuses me child but how do you know our names?"
"I'm not supposed to converse with clients mam."
The kid completely snubs Darkness and heads off, the really worrying thing is her promptly panting and flushed face; a literal child ignores her and she's turned on.
I take the parchment and try and open it, but embarrassingly I can't get the wax off, i-it's harder than you'd think, just like an unconquerable pickle jar.
"It seems you defy gender norms even more than I suspected Kazuma; not only would you slam a door in the face of a woman without hesitation, but now you can't even open a letter. Give it here."
Megumin expectantly holds out her hand, and I begrudgingly comply.
After her demand, Megumin almost instantly fails, I'm happy to keep some masculinity, but who's the sadist that made this wax?
"Hmm, it appears that this paper bears an evil seal of some sort, but as a proud member of the crimson demons, I refuse to back down! You've met your last match. What? Many opponents have fallen before you? Heh, well, you haven't had one quite like me, get ready because you've met your only and last crimson demon."
She starts tearing at it with merciless abandonment, it's not budging at all, but her displaced pride won't let her stop.
"Megumin, is there really such need for theatrics? I get that your... people live a very dramatic kind of life, bu-but people are staring. That man over there, his eyes are looking on with such hatred, it-it's, ahhhh~!"
Darkness went to reprimand Megumin, but her revolting personality makes such an act nearly impossible.
"Maybe if we run it over some hot water?"
"Did you just call me hot, Kazuma? Normally, I'd take it as a compliment, but you're a very backed-up shut-in. You haven't been doing anything strange to my panties while I sleep, or began sniffing my hair again?"
"Aqua, you're bringing up a very sinful time for me, I'm surprised I didn't inhale lice from that revolting act."
"I don't have lice! I'm the goddess of water, if you say something like that then I will curse your shower, so it makes your hair greasy forever! I just did it, you're cursed now Kazuma, maybe if you pray to me, I may perhaps forgive you..."
Sh-she can't actually do that, ri-right?
"Sorry, Aqua. I should have just left with Darkness and Megumin, you should have solely stayed. To bring such a horrid person here... am I worse than the devil king?"
Aqua proceeds to try and bludgeon me with a godblow, but I autodoge out the way.
"I'll protect you Kazuma, companions shouldn't fight. Ahhh~!"
Darkness also unnecessary runs directly into the attack, to quell her rotten personality.
"I've got it! You thought you could stand up against me, the strongest mage in the world? Hehehehe, look at you now, opened, for the world to see."
Megumin continues her monologue at the piece of paper, with a smug face that would fit more on an old man. I see a mother rush her kid away, from the embarrassing act.
"What does it say, have I been given a kingdom full of exotic women?"
Megumin skims through the note her expression turning more discouraged by the second.
"The monastery of the Axis Order has found and charged you, as the closest kin to... Megumin, Aqua, Kazuma and... Dustiness Ford Lalatina. We have taken the money from your account... h-have a g-good... day?"
Aqua's cult has apparently begun a scamming business after our departure.
"It reads just like the scam it is! Anything that says; we've taken the money from your account, is one-hundred percent a scam!"
Aqua has her hands together in a guilty gesture, her eyes glued to the floor.
"Ev-even though that's normally true... I thought it could be used as reverse psychology, I-I admit I messed up, I'm sorry!"
The goddess somehow, against all odds admits to her mistake, but that does not satiate my burning anger.
"Reverse psychology for what!? Did you just learn that phrase and decided it sounded cool?"
Darkness is blushing red, dark times are ahead, no pun intended.
"To die and be forced to compensate for my own demise, Is this some new form of play?"
"Shut up, you're not actually dead, and we are not playing anything!"
Hopefully, my annoyance can snap Darkness out of her wild daze.
"My... own religion, charged us for my death, I'm the goddess Aqua... who has vanquished the devil king, and I'm being treated this way by my own followers..."
Aqua has the perfect face for this heinous scenario; downcast eyes and all.
"If they've taken any of my hard-earned eris, they won't have a goddess to pray at anymore."
I start charging up drain touch.
Aqua starts waving her hands in a surrendered way, wasn't that a little quick?
"N-now hold on a minute, Kazuma, my children must have been led astray from the path of enlightenment. It has to have been Eris; she's probably seducing my order with her fake breasts, it's the only way."
"So, you're saying; even her fake breasts are so much better than Aqua's real ones that they've done a mutiny?"
"That's not at all what I am implying! Kazuma, she's using trickery on my cute little followers, leading them amiss into the deceptive world of chest pads. We must put a stop to her! I'll drag her here myself, and snatch those deceitful pads off, and everyone will finally know the truth; Eris pads her chest."
"Okay, that's surprisingly reasonable, especially coming from you, Aqua."
The goddess just nods along, my thinly veiled insult unheard.
From my side, Megumin's eyes start to glow to an almost red hue, upright at Aqua, her short stature and pointy hat give off an almost violent gnome feel.
"While I am still alive, I don't mind being perceived as deceased; it gives me a legendary quality, almost as if I arose from death itself. But I'm not going to pay that, Aqua get your religion under control, or I'll do it for you. Got it?"
Megumin compares herself to the one act, that Jesus fellow committed right on Easter.
"Arising from death isn't that great..."
"Megumin it wasn't my fault, it really wasn't, it's Eris, I know it is, you saw her nasty behaviour didn't you, Kazuma? You saw her force us here against our will, right?"
Aqua pushes her now crying face right up at my nose, her breath practically brushing against my own. I may get a disease if she doesn't get away.
"Oh, oh, oh! Back up you desperate goddess! Get off of me, whale; I'm going to sort out your cult, which is made up of the mentally ill, so you can just sit here and be useless as usual, okay?"
I ignore Aqua's grasp, while I head directly to the only Aqua-Sect church in Belzerg, She's attached to my leg like a spoiled child. From my rage-filled expression, everyone that was gazing at us hastily turns away.
"And you can suck my asshole region, you good for nothing lolicon!"
The creature, otherwise known as Cecily, straight up refused to let me in when she saw me, additionally locking the door.
"No! Undead, get away from me! I have personally received Aqua-Sama's divine blessing, I will smite you for the good of the Axis-Sect... unless you leave."
"Hu? Aqua what did you promise this paedophile?"
"Shhh, you both share the same path... Pedo-Neet. I only gave her my most privileged of blessings, after all, she accepts the superior way of life. Order-thirty-eight; Just because you find loli's attractive does not mean it's your fault, it's societies. One's problems aren't their own."
"Is that why she's so touchy? Aqua, I'm having doubt about your virtue, are you possibly looking for a fight?"
Megumin admits her Loli Status while threatening the resident worthless goddess.
"No, not at all Megumin, it's simply the Axis way of life. Now, Cecily, it's me, your perfect goddess! let the Neet in, please, otherwise he's gonna throw a tantrum."
"You're damned right he will, where's my eris huh? You joke of a religion! Do you want me to blow you up?"
Megumin starts shaking at the doors, she's on the verge of casting a mass genocide fiery mess. Does she seem a little more money motivated than usual?
"Hey now, I get that taking our money away is truly awful but my religion isn't a joke."
"Hahahahahahahahaha, that is what I'm laughing at, your j-joke of a religion, it...it's the joke of..."
No one laughs from my badly missed comedic attempt.
"Somehow your attempt at humour has soured my day."
Megumin is looking a little more... apathetic than usual.
"I'm all for being tortured but..."
And the pervert looks on with disgust.
"What are you laughing at, Kazuma?"
Sh-he didn't get the joke, time for my gracious redo.
I stare at Aqua; directly into her curiosity-filled blue orbs, and give off my most deadpan expression.
"Your joke of a religion."
Aqua tries to godblow me, again.
"Stop, fighting, ahhhh~!"
The exact same scenario as before plays out, Darkness yet again taking the blow in a state of primal passion.
"Eris are you in there? Stop taking my followers, you chest padding Harlington! You slut! You crewed bitch! You snivelling rascal! You smelly pest! you disgusting whore!"
Aqua yet again, shows us how delusional she really is, she just keeps going.
"Aq-Aqua-S-Sama? I'll let you in, straight away."
Cecily opens the door, and instantly Megumin jumps on her, holding her collar, like one of those bullies depicted in the eighties.
"You're ruining my precious time with my party! We finally leave and you're ruining it."
"Ahhhhh~! For cute little Megumin to look at me with such downcast eyes!"
Cecily decides to pull a Darkness and get off on some emotional pain.
"D-does that glass... does it depict us!"
Darkness points out the stained art window thing you get in churches, but we are on it. Me being oddly pronounced with muscles I definitely don't have; overall they got me pretty well down.
"That's a bit generous for Kazuma, isn't it... I mean I'm not saying that Kazuma looks weak or anything..."
I put a finger up to my chin and deeply examine the art, specifically Darkness, with the eye of a true artist.
"Mhm, mhm, it doesn't do justice to the sagginess of Darkness's drooping breasts."
"M-my breasts aren't droopy! Kazuma, you always leer at me and say my only trait is my lewd body, that means I look great, r-right?"
Darkness brings up my tormenting of her in a good light, for some praise. Did she switch her personality with Aqua?
"No, he's right Darkness, what are those big udders doing except hanging there? Eventually, you're gonna run into some problems... Fufufufu, that kind of size is a little too much, isn't it?"
Megumin joins in on my bulling, presumably for her own lack of large assets.
"I'll kill you both!"
The masochist decides to become a sadist, completely destroying her only personality trait.
She impacts into Megumin my trusty autodoge working just on time, while I make a skilful doge.
"I think they gave Megumin a little too much size, actually."
From my now safe position I also bully Megumin, everyone to I Satou Kazuma are equal.
"This guy..."
"Ah, I get multiple ones, look me as the adventurer and goddess, how amazing!"
Aqua chooses now to join in on the window examination, her face pressed up to the glass, like a small child.
"Wait, we're not here to admire ourselves! Before I demand my monetary possessions back, why have you marked us off as dead?!"
Cecily recoiled at my accurate accusation.
"It wasn't my fault! You just up and left, everyone has written you off as dead. Even your own mansion, it's been... turned into a museum! You have to believe me, I would never forsake Aqua. W-well, I might try and claim her life insurance, bu-but that's because of her own teachings, you're proud of me, right?"
"What the hell."
"Hm, I guess? Rightly done disciple, you took my teachings well."
Presumably, the small-brained goddess doesn't know what life insurance is.
"They also own various properties from your famous group, th-there on display. I go there from time to time, and get a good look at Megumin's well-presented panties~. I might even get a small scent if I'm lucky."
"What the hell."
"H-has Kazuma's influence turned everyone into perverts?! Where are they, because they're about to meet an agonizing decimation from all of my presence! If I'm so honoured to be in a museum, then they will surely know that their time is nought."
Kindergarten panties, who would have guessed?
"I-if Megumin's panties are on display, t-then what about mine, ahhh~! Kazuma, Kazuma, For a noble like me to have her undergarments decorated outside of my own resting place, it's perfect~."
The slutty crusader is oozing with horrible thoughts.
"The extraordinary team that perished, while eliminating the devil king. It's been all over the country, how did you mi-miss it?"
"What the hell."
"Everything you're saying... it's very dangerous, are you sure that's it? You are in point-blank explosion range, do you really wanna go down this route?"
Megumin has her staff practically tickling the lolicons chin, with a rather ambiguous threat.
"I-I can't help it, go see for yourself."
"Ah~, ah~, ah~. I'll go for myself, when you sort out the money~, got it?!"
"I hoped you forget about that... I-I'll s-sort it now!"
The priestess hastily scampers to sort out our cash inflow, limping from Megumin's rough hold.
Megumin is starting to sound like that one yandere architecture type, the killing one. She's been really threatening as of late, maybe I should calm her down?
"Megumin, I know that at your age the body starts to change..."
"DIE IN A HOLE, YOU VIRGIN-NEET!"
It-it's worse than I thought.
"Huh? oh, oh, oh. You mean Megumin is on her..." Aqua shifts her eyes about to see if anyone is listening then whispers for my ears only; "excrement cycle, I heard when they reach that age..." I drone out the toilet humour goddess, with some kind of mental deficiency.
"Hey, what are you saying about me Aqua!?"
"N-nothing."
"Yeah, it's nothing, and shouldn't I be the one angry. Didn't you and Darkness come here multiple times, who even fed Chomsuke? Shouldn't you of let everyone know we were fine?"
"I just left Chomsuke to Wiz, she's very reliable not to mention her presence as a, you know... it's very dreary, the perfect father to her, and we only went into the forest, there really wasn't any reason to return..."
"That's a horrible reason! We could have missed this disaster if you would have been a little more useful, you useless mage."
"I'm not useless!"
We somehow reenact my and Aqua's scene, completely by accident. It feels dirty.
"And what's your excuse, maybe you just wanted this? To be seen as dead, that's sure to check one on your fetish box."
I point at the tank, my expression hardened, I must remain firm, it's the only way she will learn.
"Yes, it's my fault I wanted this! Now punish this worthless sow, master~."
"I change my mind, Darkness is a lawful member of my pristine party, she would never do that."
"Wai-wait, surely you can see me for the lustful degenerate I am?!"
"No, I only see an upstanding citizen."
"NOOO! I'm a whore, a dirty whore, I really am, Kazuma."
She's crying from not being treated as meat and boobs.
The shield of our party has decided to disgrace herself, the only thing she's protecting is her virginity, by being such a crazy bitch.
"Hey... Darkness, your fetish aside, stop trying to seduce Kazuma. Just because the only thing you have is your lewd body, doesn't give you the right. He's weak-willed, and you're carnally depraved, so stop already. Don't you have some noble to become enslaved to?"
"T-that's right, I'm only good for my lewd body! I'm a slave, Kazuma's slave"
Lalatina doesn't care where she gets her sick kicks from, disgusting.
"You really aren't. I would rather not be associated with you."
"Heh, Kazuma doesn't even want that. for such a perverted guy like him to be disturbed. You may have those large breasts, but not even Kazuma can fall for you."
"H-hey didn't you fall for me?"
"ANYWAY! Darkness, you have utterly lost to me. But, I'll admit as my friend, I expect you to leave him alone, alright? No more with the Kazuma Slave stuff or Kazuma is my Daddy or anything of the sort, got it?"
"Ehh? Um? Megum..."
"I'm, I'm back, it's been sorted, I even have the documents, so no need for an e-explosion, or anything."
Our awaited eris has been rightly returned. Darkness interrupted, she should just get off on it.
"Okay, now we leave for the man... Megumin what are you doing?"
"Compensation."
Has my scumminess been rubbing off on her? She's rifling around the poor pedo's pockets. May-maybe her family is having more money problems or something? No, we are rich enough, So what's with this sudden monetary and violent incentive?
Currently, I'm hiding in a well-placed bush, right outside our mansion. My skilful party scouting it out.
"-"
Wait, why are they doing it?! I'm the only member with a smidgen of stealth in them, what the hell!
Well, my untalented party aside. Using my useful skill farsight; which I have previously used to peek on multiple women; no lawsuits involved. I get a good look at a fat balding man with an absurdly long moustache, a real Saturday cartoon villain type. He's using our home as some kind of freak show. A high-end tent covering a large slice of my personal land, while a large crowd gather around.
Emporer Zell is locked in a small cage with the words; prized dragon above it. She really should be more of a responsible pet owner...
He's even making small whimpering sounds, like a dog in those animal abuse commercials, how does a chicken even whimper?
Poor guy, maybe I should just snipe a pebble in his head to end the misery?
While I aim said pebble at the soon to be poultry, I notice Aqua furiously waving at me, her arms exaggerated in a gesture.
I-is she having some kind of seizure? She may be useless but she's the closest thing to a medical professional we've sorrowfully got, if she goes down so will we. Well, it should be fine with the devil king dead.
I mostly ignore the water goddess, that could probably drown on her own fluids. She's acting way too suspicious, just get a good look in the actual mansion, already!
While I'm looking away from Aqua, my eyes lock onto something... beautiful.
Everyone has a section. A wonderful section, specifically for their panties...
Pegged on top of our now blessed window; Megumin's black lacey underwear; which doesn't fit that loli at all. But the contrast unlocks something primal within me, maybe I could look, just a bit longer?
Hmm, Hmm, wow, is that a ribbon? Real sensual stuff, I don't know if I should thank the crimson demons bizarre fashion sense or Megumin's own revealing style.
She's got a somewhat large fan group around her. I feel like I'm being cucked in a way...
Darkness has hers right next to Megumin's; pink and innocent. If the theme so far is opposite personality, then Aqua's are...
I-I don't see hers, maybe that's for the best... But I do lock onto a rather large crowd of guys, they're vastly different in age and size, what are they looking at? I can't get a good grip from here.
Well, might as well intrude, and use my other highly useful skill; lipread.
"I left my wife! Kazuma-San is way cuter, I could never love anyone but Kazuma."
I lipread those horrible words, coming from an overweight uncle.
"To think K-Kazuma, crossdr-dressed, how erotic!"
Some dude, I've run into quite a lot, says these fallible words.
"I love Kazuma."
W-What are they looking at exactly...
Someone from the group shifts giving me a perfect view...
Wait, c-could i-it be... Do my eyes that have spent more than a fifth of my life gaming, device me!?
Rig-right there are Eris's panties... bu-but my name is above them, a golden bright sign; 'SATOU KAZUMA'. I-it even lights up!
Is this for the sins I have committed? I apologise Eris-Sama, I apologise. Having me be objectified... my stomach is making weird knots!
"Yes, Satou Kazuma was a hero known for his exquisite taste in... all women, but after searching his abode, well... We came across his large selection of female undergarments, these were his most famed; pinned to his own wall, like a trophy... One can only assume... Was he really into women, or was it some form of cover-up?"
A rather rich-looking old guy, with an obscenely large monocule, starts spewing unfiltered autism.
"EHHH~! Ho-how amazing."
Various lines like that are said.
I'm half a mind to do a Megumin and cast an explosion... but I'm not that headstrong.
Speaking of her, I spot Megumin, she's walking rather menacingly towards the fine-tasted group that is inquiring about those rather lacey panties.
"Wow, is this some form of cosplay? Are you here for some evening entertainment?"
This poor, poor man... he has no idea.
To his question, Megumin uses her staff; like an old-time cane for hooking someone off stage, but she's instead strangeling the guy.
"You, want to see a dead lady's panties? Well, I'll send you to a place with a somewhat generous accumulation, scum!"
Abort mission! Abort mission! T-this was stupid, we could have sorted this out with an estate agent or something!
To my further fear, I see Darkness, she's harassing the rather small group around hers, but in the opposite way.
"Oh~, you vicious men, to look at a deceased woman's panties, like mine, you are the lowest o-of t-the l-low. Well, I'm here. There's no law against using a corpse as a plaything! Huh? Doesn't necrophilia make you felicitous, I can see your lustful eyes..."
And she just kept going.
And there is Aqua, she somehow broke out her chicken and is casting natures beauty, it's like she exists to cause unnecessary chaos.
"Hmm, hmm, so you're interested in the great Aqua-Sama, you have very agreeable tastes, here, a party trick for you."
"N-no one here likes Aqu..."
Completely ignored. Her ego probably can't handle it.
The mission is abandoned, there is no point in sneaking anymore.
With these thoughts in mind, I run to my disordered party. I can't believe I'm sympathizing with these rich scam artists!
"You! You set this horror show up. Recently I've been feeling a bit on edge, you're the perfect target to let off some building stress, be prepared. Kazuma, Kazuma, I'm gonna blow this guy up, I'm actually gonna do it, he's really gonna die. Just give me a second to start casting, I will do it..."
Megumin threatens the long moustache guy from earlier, the ring leader so to speak. They didn't even accomplish our goal of entering my mansion, and they messed up this bad.
"AHHH! Crazed cosplayers, I-I get that this assortment of a group is rather polarizing, with their desperate and despicable personalities, yet they ventured through their own turpitude to abolish the devil king and a large portion of its troops, bu-but that doesn't give you the right to play make-believe and frighten away my clients! And furthermore, blowing me up would require you to settle a large lawsuit, that I'm sure you can't afford, you poor working-class wench."
No, he actually does deserve an explosion, yes, it is decided.
"Go ahead Megumin."
"Wa-wait..."
I disregard the unreasonable guy.
"Wa-wait, surely you'd tell me to stop be-being so hot-headed or something, I-I, that doesn't mean I want you to do that or anything, b-but... No, I will do it, I really am gonna do it. Behold I am Megumin; strongest mage, the one who casts EXPLOSIONS! You have insulted me, and that is an act, no-not even the devil king himself survived."
"You two cut it out. This is a very undignified way to act. I get that you don't care much for that... But, we can't just blow up all our problems. We can sort this out some other way, surely. It's time we mature, maybe cut back on our pleasure, for some common decency. An-and... Kazuma, Megumin, for you to both look at me with those unmoving eyes, y-you don't believe what I'm saying, do you?"
Darkness begins a hypocritical speech
"Small-minded Darkness, if you were to cut back on your degeneracy, you would surely break..."
"For Darkness to be criticizing us on 'common decency'..."
"Hesh, whutsh yosh guysh doingsh?"
Aqua, has her cheeks out like a rabid chipmunk, where did she get that food? I would think she finally ate that chicken of hers, but it's resting on her head, very fitting, a perfect nest.
And what does she mean; what are we doing? Presumably, she has ears, we did a quick um? 'Brief' on our 'mission', all of us there.
Let's just pay no heed to her.
"The lady speaks the truth. A woman of culture, see, it's an atrocious plan to blow me up, completely unthinkable. I haven't done anything to warrant such an act! Just because you're fans... Wait that's the damned chicken, put that back right now!"
"Ho~, your chicken? This is my mighty dragon, are you really willing to go against me?"
"Weirdo."
What an appropriate response.
"Oi, we are that 'party', so get lost already."
I chime in.
"E-even if that was correct I am the sole heir to all of their deeds and other matters. Dustiness found themselves predestinated on trying times so they transferred it all to me, with a little nudge. So it's all mine forever, and ever. So, you go away. Or I can legally dispose of you, you're on my property after all."
"Eh? Prove it then, Kazuma has made me aware of such scams, so trying to trick me is not gonna work, bub."
Megumin has learnt well.
"I don't have to prove anything to you miscreants, scram."
"Wait! Darkness get your pendant, that's only useful for these types of scenarios, which just so happens to be the only time you're not useless as well."
"Well, I did say we can solve this without explosions..."
"I'll hold her down, Aqua help."
"Eh? okay."
"Hey, g-get o-off, AHHhh~!"
Aqua and Megumin lump atop Darkness, making the perfect opportunity for me, to grab my ticket home.
"Ehh~! It's Kazuma, that's actually him."
My blood turns to ice.
"N-no way, that's him, I love you Kazuma."
Oh no.
Right there, there's no mistaking it. That rather large group of my admirers from before, they've spotted me, and they look very... passionate.
"Oi, Kazuma get her pendant, she's not really breaking from our hold... but this is making me feel uncomfortable."
If anything the pervert is somehow in complete bliss, drool hanging out in the corner of her mouth.
A few of the crowd reach out to grab me like I'm some kind of real-life wifu, their expressions filled with very unneeded lust.
"I'm touching Kazuma-San, I really am. I can even smell him, ahh~"
"I-I may have a bit of a problem, M-Megumin, SAVE ME! I'm too young, stop, I'm waiting until marriage, stop! H-hey don't touch there."
Hopefully, I can manipulate her protective side, I'm in some serious trouble here!
"I've got his hair! I'm gonna cook and eat it! Kazuma's gonna be inside me!"
What an odd thing to say...
"Hmm, I see a potential business opportunity here..."
The apparent owner of my mansion says these awful words.
Megumin hastily scampers off Darkness, just leaving Aqua there, with a panicked look.
"H-hey come back, I can't hold this by myself!"
"I'm being called a 'this', like I'm not even human. How marvellous, you may pin me down Aqua, but you won't be able to get anything from me. The only way you could is if you strangle... or did something equally appalling to me."
The valiant crusader bites her lip in an overall sensual way, she's trying to get Aqua to get her off, how pent up is she? So much for tuning back our pleasure for common decency.
"St-stop, Pervlalatina. A pure goddess like myself would never help you 'get off'... I get that you may be a bit pent up, but maybe you should use a few methods like Scumzuma. He always goes 'fap', 'fap', 'fap', when he's pent up... Actually, he's probably not a good example..."
"Kazuma-San, to be told this about you, AHHH~!"
A Kazuma enthusiast practically orgasms on this fake information.
"That woman is lying, she's a known erratic sicko, who believes she's really a god, you can't believe a word she says."
"Huh? go steal some poor loli's panties or something scum, trash, lolicon."
The masses faces light up at Aqua's wrongful reply, she's making it worse!
"A known liar, you can't trust her, at all."
The explosion loli's eyes look a lot darker; filled with anger or something like that.
"If you want to prolong your decreasingly shortening life, pals, then you better get off him, the Neet's mine."
S-so possessive, is it weird my 'son' is excited by this, I'm not like Darkness but...
"While I don't know what you mean... Is it so bad to love Kazuma? We can all love that man, together in harmony, join us!"
"Hell no, I ain't sharing my man! Get your sweaty palms off him, have you ever asked what he wants?"
Well, she works as a distraction at least.
Hmm, she's also right, Everyone asks; Kazuma I want, but no one asks; Kazuma what do you want?
"Guughhh, I'm being drowned, what a new overwhelming feeling. The water is hitting the back of my throat at a piercing rate!"
Aqua manages to pull out Laltina's pendant; casting nature's beauty, to essentially half-drown the pervert, her face is unsurprisingly very content.
"Show us the papers! Or whatever it was we were doing. I have the note? Letter? The golden key, right here!"
golden key? Does she even know what she was fishing around for?
She's now grabbing the guy by the shoulders, in a threatening matter.
"Okay, okay. Here, take it. Have a long look because it's the real deal. Now, I expect some compensation from your heresy actions, even if you are the previous owners of my mansion."
The man holds out a parchment; very official-looking.
"Oi, Darkness you're... nobility, is that legit."
She sputters out some water to my reply; still on the floor in an uncomfortable lump.
"Hey, I'm asking you a question."
She just sputters out more water.
"Use heal; useless goddess."
Aqua goes along with my order, her beginning to heal Darkness.
"No! Don't heal me. To do that would be a disgrace for my class; crusader, I must take hits. At full volume otherwise, what have I got to show for my accomplishments?"
Why is it when healing is brought up, she's instantly better?
"Hey, you're better, great, I'm really happy. Now would you mind telling me if that's legit?"
"I assure you, sir it is."
"I'm not asking you; cheap snake oil salesman."
Darkness's eyes lock onto the note, her expression darkens, if that pervert is upset...
"It's real Kazuma, not even my authority could undermine this. It has the Dustiness seal... My fathers. Now that I think about it, I assumed this wicked man was lying. How is my father on trying times, we were fine last I saw?"
What authority does she have then?
"Heh, while you weren't looking, I called my butler Reginald, he's gotten the guards they should be showing up at any moment now, fools!"
That's not great... But what's even worse is Megumin's mental state. She's sweating; eyes ablaze, with a maniacal glint. This is where it's gonna go downhill.
"I love Kazuma. He wants a real man, not some little girl. We were trying to be nice, but..."
When have I ever given the impression of wanting a real man?
"Darkness, Blacker than Black. The Souls of all Previous Ancestors, Show Me The Light, For I'm..."
"He-hey Megumin what are you doing?"
Aqua's eyes are full of fright.
Mine too
Lalatina's, well.
"YES! I mean NO! We should sort this out another way."
"EXPLOSION!"
My... mansion.