In the end, they were the only ones who understood me
Thursday 12.
It's been 3 days since I lost you, Iruka. And there is not much to say.
Anko came by today and we just had some sake. I think she is sad too.
Miss you.
•
Monday 30.
I'm scared. I can see Iruka.
I can feel his breath on my neck and his whisper in my ears.
His hands ghost his around my waist and his laughter echoing through the house.
I can also see the silhouette of him waiting in the kitchen. But when I want to feel him in my hands, feel the warmth of him in my lap and see his smile, he vanishes like the wind.
I think he's here.
I want to accompany him and be on the same plane as him. It is getting harder and harder to resist.
•
Thursday 14.
It's been 4 months since Iruka died and I can't stop dreaming about him.
In my dreams we make love, I can touch it. The smell of him of cinnamon and apple fills my senses and his hair feels real in my hands.
But I also keep seeing the ghost of him. Now I see him weak, haggard. I know I can't imagine it because every morning there are things that are out of his place.
•
Sunday 10.
My friends are really scared, I see it on their faces, but they don't know what I do.
They don't know that I can feel the ghost of my Iruka in our home. That he doesn't want to leave me.
Out of the corner of my eye I can see the silhouette of him as he walks through our home only to disappear when I try to focus my gaze on him.
That's why he tried to get as much sleep as possible, because that's when I can finally be with him. I really miss it.
I don't know what to do. The pills in my bathroom have a powerful voice. They tempt me more every day.
•
Monday 18.
Last night I dreamed of Iruka in the hospital.
I saw it in his last days. He was weak and eternally tired.
That image destroys me every time I see it.
Knowing that he died in an emotionless place, surrounded by machines and only accompanied by other patients saddens me more than anyone could imagine.
But what hurt me the most were those words he said me in the dream, which stuck in my mind.
"You don't deserve to live, Kakashi. You were the one to blame for my death. You took me to that place and from which I was infected by that virus. I died because of you."
And he is right.
•
Monday 10.
I see him everywhere and I can feel his accusing gaze towards me.
His whispers no longer comfort me. Now they tell me to accompany him, that he feels alone and wants my company.
And I want to give it to him.
•
Tuesday 13.
Last night my friends came to visit me. I had fun.
But those ghost eyes never left my back and I knew, I just knew that I was selfish for amusing myself when Iruka couldn't.
I wanted to scream and make my friends leave, but they would ask and they can't know that Iruka is here.
They would try to convince me that he doesn't exist and I can't let that happen.
•
Wednesday 08.
It has finally been 6 months since Iruka died and the school where he worked did an act in his memory.
I saw the blond orphan boy she was helping at school.
I didn't go near him.
•
Sunday 19.
Today Yamato told me to go see a psychologist, that I was not well and that I was different since Iruka left.
I was enraged. Yamato does not know that my husband had not left. He doesn't know that Iruka accompanies me day and night, that he is in our home like a ghost that whispers to me to accompany him in his solitude and in my dreams, where he lets me love him.
I don't want to be his friend anymore.
And Iruka agrees.
•
Thursday.
I quit my job and it has been 8 months since my husband died.
And now that I'm home, Iruka's ghost follows me all day. His accusing gaze and his increasingly cadaverous features leave me alone in my dreams.
He tells me that he is lonely and that he loves me.
And the pill bottle is now eternally in my room, waiting for the moment.
•
Sunday?
They came to knock on the door but I didn't want to open it.
I finally got a good look at Iruka a few days ago, he had stood still in our room looking at me. His face was rotten and his gaze grew more accusing. His long hair was dull and his hands were skeleton.
Finally I will be able to be with him, I will no longer feel this anguish and sadness that eats away at me and we will be able to be together forever.
When they finally discover my body, they will see the letters for each of my friends explaining everything.
The white pills that I see in my hand now feel comforting and reassuring. In the end, they were the only ones who managed to understand me.
End.