A/N: So, the further adventures of Casey, The Exterminator. Taking on all the Ring agents on his own, all to keep the team safe. Of course, it also scratched an itch and let his creative juices flow (along with some red liquid).
When some readers likened "Accidents Happen" to the fantastic Adorable Psycho fics, I was very surprised. I don't think it is anywhere near as good, but thank you for those that said it. I wasn't expecting to write any more like this, but after talking with jwatkins about something he put into his excellent "Finding Serenity", I decided to bring back crazy Casey.
No betas fell victim to any of this. And it's not jwatkins' fault either, just mine.
Disclaimer: I don't own or make money from Chuck, or anything by Monty Python, sadly.
One Dark Knight
How did they get caught in a toy store by those Ring agents? A TOY store, for Christ's sake!
What's worse, they'd gotten separated. The Lovebirds on the top floor and him down here on this floor.
At least Casey could now deal out death to anyone he encountered without Goody Two Shoes complaining. Or the Googly Eyed woman that used to be an excellent agent, for that matter.
It had been so long since he last killed anyone, he was getting twitchy! This would ease that.
This should save the lives of his two partners. On her own, Walker would probably have been able to take them all out. She was the Wildcard Enforcer, after all. However, with the deadweight of The Geek around her neck, probably literally, she would be seriously hampered.
He could visualize how it could happen. Bartowski would think he could dodge bullets, even though he was not situationally aware, and would try to run through a hailstorm of them. Walker would either see him hit and would rise from cover all guns blazing, only to be taken down or she'd try to stop Bartowski and drop her concentration and get hit, followed by The Geek who would rush to her without thought, or any common sense.
When Walker got all protectory, she was frightening, but also less careful.
Casey would draw the Ring away from them. He'd keep the team in one piece. That was the reason for doing this. It was!
A couple of days ago, when he switched on his television, he'd seen a movie running and had stopped cleaning his gun to watch. It wasn't a new movie, but one he'd seen as a teen, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". That had been one of the last times he laughed out loud. Some of the scenes had stuck with him all these years.
As he sat in the toy store, he thought, What about some reenactments?
On the way in to the store, Casey had noticed that some idiot had left the access to both a ventilation shaft and a repair shop open. The former might help them escape, but Casey wanted to have his fun first.
He had crept into the repair shop and collected some interesting items to help him. First he'd spotted a pair of rotating fans that had been repaired, but not yet fitted. He also spotted a couple blades from another broken fan. He'd also found a number of other essentials.
The last things he brought through to the store were the blades, which he carried, and the fans, which he dragged. Now he needed to prepare. He hummed to himself as he did.
Setting the fans up was child's play. He smirked at that thought, standing at the bottom of the slope leading down into the play area. After he had attached them to the pole he'd fixed up, he also linked them to the motor he'd found in the repair shop. He stood back and admired his work. Just one more thing was required and everything was ready for his first set piece.
He placed the grenades he'd brought with him on the table in the center of the play area. They would be the last item used. Less fun.
Preparing the soft toys took little time, just needed care.
Setting up the trampoline was a bit trickier, as he had to lift the floor tiles and go down into the under-flooring area, but eventually all that was set up too.
The two fan blades took a while. He tested those out and was happy with the result.
He then found a chair, sat back smoking a cigar and waited. Sure, he shouldn't smoke in here, but that was probably the least offensive thing he would be doing here. The NSA cleaners would earn their keep tonight. After all, the mall and the store would be opening again in less than 7 hours.
It was another 30 minutes before the Ring agents started to arrive.
Fun time!
Two agents appeared on the ramp and started sliding down. Oops! Spilt oil there!
Casey had switched on the fans as soon as they appeared. Both men kept sliding, even the one that tried to grab the rail which also seemed to be covered in oil.
He smiled as he looked at the fans. Sharpening the blades had taken a while, but oh so worth it! Ensuring the fans spun fast enough had been quite simple. He grunted a happy grunt.
Chasey took out has phone and filmed the two men screaming as they slid towards the rotating blades. God, he loved that Monty Python Architect's sketch!
He'd always remembered the description of the luxury apartment block. "The tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed."
Well, no comfort or soundproofing here, but he thought watching it happen was even better than expected. A bit messy, blood splattering everywhere, but what the hell!
Two more agents arrived and he decided they'd be the last for this set, so dropped his cigar onto the ramp and stepped quickly back.
Adding flames licking around the men as they slid was even more fun. He caught that on his phone too. There was now a smell of cooked pork pervading the room. Nice!
- . -
He picked up the two soft toys. These were now weighted, so the heads would hit first.
The first agent didn't see the toy rabbit heading his way until it arrived. He looked down in shock at it attached to his body with what looked like a fang piercing his shirt and abdomen. He slumped to the floor at the poison on the knife got into his system.
The second agent was just as surprised as a toy rabbit sailed towards him. He raised his arm to swat it out of the way, so the "teeth", well tooth really, plunged into his arm. Before his swing knocked it away, the poison had penetrated his blood stream too.
So, the Killer Rabbit sketch was more fun live too. Well, live for Casey at least.
- . -
The next agent, all in gray, arrived with no gun, but two wicked looking knives. This was too good to resist! Casey strapped on the blades. He'd sharpened them just as much as those on the fans. This reenactment was going to be in reverse, with him wearing all black and the other in gray.
Casey watched the man approach, wielding his pair of foot-long knives furiously. He was good, but Casey effectively had two broadswords.
Casey was going to use some of the words slightly out of context, but he was enjoying himself so much, he didn't care.
His first slice chopped off the gray agent's left arm off. Casey nodded, that was the correct one! As the agent looked in shock, Casey said the words, "'Tis but a scratch."
He then swung again, taking the right arm. "Just a flesh wound?" Casey asked, completely straight faced.
Slicing the man's legs off, Casey decided this one wasn't so much fun. He looked down at the limbless man on the floor, grumbling, "Doesn't feel like a draw, does it?"
Casey grunted, feeling annoyed. The man would bleed to death, which almost made him smile, but Casey decided the Black Knight sketch was better in the movie, with the Black Knight himself receiving the wounds and making the comments.
- . -
Casey wandered over to the balcony overlooking the mall. He stood in front of the area covering the trampoline and the net, hoping to use that soon.
He noticed another Ring agent come in. No gun, thankfully. The agent was holding a knife. What's with the knives today?
It didn't look to be a throwing knife, so he had relaxed. He pulled out another cigar and started to smoke. He turned around, looking out.
He knew the agent would approach from behind to stab him. He heard a swoosh and a gasp.
Casey turned back. The agent was wrapped in the netting, his knife dropped to the floor - he was helpless and knew it.
Casey smirked. This was the Bridge of Death sketch. No bridge, but would still be a fun way to end the agent.
Casey, taking on the role of the Bridge Keeper, started, mis-quoting, "You must answer me these questions three, ere the next morning you see."
The agent, who could be no more than twenty, looked confused, but it was obvious he at least understood the words.
Casey, the Bridge Keeper, asked the first question, "What... is your name?"
The agent immediately replied, "Agent Rhodes."
Bridge Keeper nodded and asked the next question, "What... is your quest?"
Rhodes frowned, but answered honestly, "To help the Ring to win against the corrupt agencies."
Bridge keeper frowned at that one, but asked the final question, "What... is the capital of Assyria?"
Rhodes spluttered, "I don't know that!" Maybe not too surprising, although this ancient land had been named in the same way as Babylonia.
Casey tapped the button to his left with his foot and the trampoline was pulled down sharply, taking Rhodes with it and then released.
Casey grinned as the Ring agent flew over his head and down the three floors to the mall floor. Splat!
A happy grunt. The Bridge of Death was fun!
- . -
Casey walked back to the hand grenades and mis-quoted again, "O Lord, bless these thy hand grenades, that with them thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."
He remembered the Lord's response. "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."
Well, he was ready.
He heard footsteps approach the top of the ramp and heard gruff male voices, at least four.
He lifted the first grenade, pulled out the pin and counted. On three, he threw it. The men arrived at the entrance and, when the grenade landed, they did indeed snuff it, splattered all over the surrounding walls.
He heard more footsteps, this time including stiletto heels clicking on the floor. He held the next grenade, but waited. This might be his partners.
It was a good job he did pause. The Geek and The Skirt appeared.
He lowered his hand and watched them as they surveyed the room. Quite a bit for the cleanup crew, when they turned up. Walls immediately around them splattered in blood and parts of human remains scattered on the floor near their feet. In the middle of the room, a man on the floor with his arms and legs a few feet from his torso. A pair of fans attached to a pole still rotating, slower now, with blood dripping off them and what looked like more human parts on the floor either side spread out at least ten foot in either direction.
Sarah just frowned. She knew this from time spent watching DVDs with Chuck. "Monty Python?"
Casey nodded.
Chuck looked sick, but managed to ask one question before he threw up. "Did any reach their Holy Grail?"
Casey smirked. "Nah!"
A/N: I used to love the Monty Python TV sketches and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" was one of my favorite movies as a teenager. For those that also watched the TV series, I just want to point out that no parrots were killed as part of this fic.
Not as punchy as the last, but I hope you enjoyed this. Please give it a review. You know you want to.
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