MiraculElse #22: Truth, Lies, and Everything in Between
by DFC
(Timeline: After S4E1, "Truth," and S4E2, "Lies.")
A troubled young man dashed and leapt across the rooftops of central Paris.
When life proved troublesome for him, when good intentions led to bad resolutions, when doing the right thing led to the world kicking him in the groin anyway... there was a certain relief in action for action's sake. He couldn't will an Akuma fight into existence... and despite his recent encouragement of such (of which he didn't feel particularly proud), he knew that he shouldn't... so there were no ten-meter babygolems or howling banshees or floating violet mothstrocities for him to punch and kick and vent his frustrations upon.
But he could run. By God, he could run until his lungs burned, and with the aid of his faithful Kwami, he could run in ways and places that few others could.
There were time limits on his freedom, of course; he didn't want anyone noting his absence around the mansion, and he'd want to dash through the shower once he got home, lest his father's assistant wonder how he broke a raging sweat while studying Chinese grammar rules.
He paused to catch his breath on a familiar-looking rooftop. The nature of his powers made it very difficult for him to reach that desired state of exhaustion, that full-body ache that could temporarily quiet his brain and his emotions. He did have limits, however... and on nights like this, he managed to reach them. Walking in slow circles to regather his composure, he looked out over the edge of the roof at the city, and noted where he was... and at whom was visibly close at hand, perhaps two leaps away from where he stood.
Chat Noir laughed quietly to himself. Of course, he smiled. Even when I'm not consciously intending it, whenever I feel down and need some friendly company... look where my feet lead me.
A troubled young woman sat on a lounge chair, a pad of paper in her lap and a dull ache gnawing gently at her soul.
Solitude was her refuge, up here on her rooftop balcony... and, truth to tell, it was an old friend of hers, sometimes the only one that she needed.
It wasn't that she wanted to feel antisocial, or wanted to drive her friends away from her side; a large part of her craved that kind of contact and camaraderie and consolation. She could make one phone call and have a chatroom or a video conference room or her bedroom full of girls in minutes, eager to hear from her how she'd managed to drive away a sweet, caring boy who'd done absolutely nothing wrong and had wanted nothing more than to cherish her.
But that was the problem, wasn't it? They would want to ease her pain, certainly; they would want to do anything that they could to help her feel better about her situation. But the first question on all of their lips - particularly Juleka's, naturally - would be a simple one.
"Why?"
And she couldn't answer that for Alya and Rose and Juleka and Mylène and Alix any more than she could for Luka. And she'd certainly failed that with him.
Tikki had tried her best to fill that gap, but... Tikki is sweet, but she's not a person, she thought. She'll tell me what I need to hear... how I'm doing the right thing, how important my responsibilities are, how good a job I'm doing of maintaining that secrecy.
But she can't tell me what I want to hear...
...that everything... that ANYTHING is going to be all right.
Old habits die hard. And when a younger Marinette felt like her world was screaming at her, one way of coping that she knew was to go off by herself, pencil in hand, and to draw herself a better one. Even just a little piece of one. A simple landscape, an outfit that she'd like to bring to life someday, a daydream in which her tormentors were far, far away.
Let there be peace on Earth... and let it begin with this drawing.
Peace on Earth, of course, was a pretty tall order. But sometimes she managed to draw herself a little peace of mind.
Her eyes flickered up from her sketchpad, seeing a familiar shape moving nearby. She smiled... knowing that while her solitude was about to end, it would be in a way that she could handle right now.
A small *TH-BMMP* heralded Chat's arrival, as he landed gently on the balcony rail.
"Hello, Chat," Marinette greeted him. "I'm a little surprised to see you tonight."
"I'm a little surprised to be here," he replied. "Not that it's a bad thing, of course. I hadn't planned on this, but... I was in the neighborhood."
"Well, suit yourself," said Marinette. "I may not be very good company at the moment..."
"That'd be a first."
"Heh," she chuckled as Chat took a seat across from her. "I was saying, you're welcome to join me for a little while... whoa! Are you all right?" she asked, noticing his semi-exhausted state. "Is there something that I should know about?"
"No, no..." he waved her off. "There's no Akuma, no threat... I just... uh..."
"Seriously, Chat. You look like you just ran a marathon," worried Marinette.
Chat took a deep breath. "Sometimes... have you ever just felt like you didn't know where you could go, but you couldn't stay where you were at any longer?" he asked. "That you just wanted to leave your brain behind and just go until you can't any more... Wearing yourself out, making yourself focus on something different for a while?"
Sympathetic eyes gazed back at him. "I can say that I've done that," she admitted. "Something on your mind?"
"A little." Chat studied Marinette for a moment... "But I think that I can say the same about you, can't I?"
She sighed. "Is it that obvious?" she wondered.
"To me? Yeah," said Chat. "You don't seem like yourself tonight. Not in a bad way, I mean... but not in a good way, either."
"I wish I could say that you're wrong... But you're not."
Chat shook his head. "I didn't come here tonight to burden you. I promise you that," he insisted. "I can leave, if you want..."
"No. Stay," she insisted. "Maybe... we can help each other, a little bit. If you want to."
"I'd like that very much," Chat smiled. "You first. What's going on?"
"I'm just... overwhelmed. I've never felt so overwhelmed in all my life," Marinette began, choosing her words carefully. "It's hard to describe. There are some parts of it that I can't... I don't want to talk about."
"Just say what you want to," Chat encouraged her. "I don't need to know everything."
"My family's all right. They're not really part of it," she continued. "Everybody's, like, healthy... Mama and Papa are happy enough... it's nothing in here," she said, pointing downwards to indicate her house.
"What, then? Something at school? Someone bullying you, maybe?"
"No. It's, uh... kind of more self-inflicted, I guess," said Marinette. "I'm biting off more than I can chew, and I'm feeling it. Hard."
"You? Taking on too many burdens to help others? No way," grinned Chat. "I can't imagine that."
"Not all of it was by choice. Some things were... well, handed to me. I would've said 'yes' if I'd been asked, but instead, they kind of landed on top of me all at once. I'm running out of ways to relieve some stress," Marinette sighed. "I came up here to see if I could get some sketching done, to take my mind off of things."
"Did it work?"
"See for yourself."
She turned the sketchpad around, letting Chat see a page filled with stick figures, scribbled-out sections and a small tear along one edge of the paper.
"Oooh," Chat remarked. "I'm sensing a little tension."
"Just a bit."
"Your boyfriend isn't helping you relax?"
As soon as the words left his mouth, Marinette's reaction told him that he'd touched a raw nerve.
"Ex-boyfriend," said Marinette, glumly. "We broke it off this week."
To Marinette, the look of shock and concern on Chat's face seemed very genuine.
"No...!" he gasped. "That's not... I can't believe that. That was Luka, right?"
"Yeah. I've talked to you about him before," she replied.
A small part of Chat's brain filed away an important factoid - Marinette is available again - while the rest of it yelled at that part to pay attention.
"I'm so sorry," said Chat. "The two of you seemed happy together when I'd seen you. That... can't have been a very long relationship, can it?"
"No, it wasn't," agreed Marinette. "And that wasn't his fault at all."
"Can I ask what happened?"
"You can," Marinette nodded. "It was... it was all me. I wanted to give things a try with him. The boy that I'm in... that I had a big crush on was taken, and Luka was always so sweet, so patient... you wouldn't believe some of the things that he's said about me..."
"Oh, I could," smiled Chat. "But, continue."
"Flatterer," she smirked. "But seriously... it wasn't his fault. I was getting pulled in twelve different directions at once, and I couldn't spend time with him like I wanted to, and I felt like I was hiding things from him... because I was... things that I can't talk about with you, either..."
"Is everything all right?" Chat asked again, insistently. "You're not in any danger, or anything that I can help you with? You're starting to scare me."
"No, I'm not. You're sweet, Chat," sighed Marinette. "But this is all on my shoulders. He got... tired of putting up with me, and he let me go. We're still going to be friends, but..."
Silently, Chat let Marinette get the words out.
"...It just hurts so much, Chat, you know? Like... Luka is adorable. He went out of his way not to pressure me, or to go farther than I wanted to yet, or to make me choose between him and the... other boy, or anything. He let me come to him at my own pace, when I was sure that it was my idea, and that should've been the easiest thing in the world to do, right? Here's someone who... could've l-loved me... and all I had to do was curl up in his arms and love him back. And I couldn't do that right."
"Luka had things going on with his father, too, didn't he? Jagged Stone?" interjected Chat.
"Yes, he did! And that had to shake up his whole world and I should have been there for him, right by his side to hold him and comfort him and help him figure out all of that, and all I did was cause him more grief by being difficult," sobbed Marinette. "Maybe he is better off without me."
"No one could ever be better off without you, Marinette," said Chat, softly. "At least you two stayed friends. That's more than I can say."
That shook Marinette out of her train of thought. "More than you can say about what?" she wondered.
"You lost your first boyfriend... he was your first, right?" At Marinette's nod, he continued, "And I lost my first girlfriend yesterday, too."
Clearly, that was a concept with which Marinette hadn't expected to grapple.
"Wai-WHAT?" she stammered. "Chat, you got a girlfriend? You finally did? And... you lost her, too?"
Chat leaned back slightly, as if overwhelmed. "You're looking at me like you're about to pounce," he noted.
"Because this is the first that I'm hearing about this?" gasped Marinette. "I want to say how happy I am for you... or would have been... but I guess not! Tell me about her!"
"Only if you're done talking about your-"
"Talk! Please!"
"Okay, okay," smiled Chat. "I met her through one of my hobbies... I can't say too much, or I might give things away, you know?"
"Understood."
"She doesn't know that I'm... this," he continued, gesturing to the costume. "You're the only one who knows this side of me, other than Ladybug."
"Which still surprises me."
"What does?" wondered Chat.
"That you keep coming back," quipped Marinette.
"Anyway..." Chat continued, letting that roll past him, "it's kind of... look. You know how I've told you that my normal self... I'm not quite like I am like this, right? It's not that Chat Noir and 'me' are two different people, but... I don't act the same ways as Chat sometimes. It's a different side of me."
"I, um... I can get what you mean by that," Marinette replied, thoughtfully.
"Long story short... this girl fell for my 'normal' side. The one that's all bundled up and polite and not as much fun."
"I find that hard to believe," she noted. "I think there's more of 'you' in Chat than you realize. I wish that I could get to know that boy better."
"You could. If I say just two words," smiled Chat.
"Don't you dare," grinned Marinette. "Keep going."
"Anyway... that story you just told sounds awfully familiar to me. A lot of the things that I was hiding were because of being Chat Noir. We had a couple of Akumas, and I kept having to slip away and make excuses; I was... well... distracted half the time. I wasn't the kind of boyfriend I should have been... and certainly not the one that she wanted."
"So... being a hero screwed things up for you?"
"Part of it was that. And part of it was... I really tried to share this other side of me with her. Not the secret identity part; that, I don't talk about. But my... goofy side," he sighed. "The part of me that my father always keeps under wraps. The part that being Chat Noir lets me express more easily... no matter how crazy I drive Ladybug sometimes."
He paused. "Though, I have to admit... Ladybug was whammied by Truth, and she told him that she appreciates my humor. Maybe I'm not so terrible after all," he smiled. "But this girl... she didn't like that. She thought that I was playing it up, trying to act like someone that I wasn't, and she didn't like that version of me... and that stung me. That is a part of the real me. She couldn't accept that."
"Chat..." Marinette said, softly, "sometimes you do tell jokes so bad that they could knock birds out of the air. But I don't think that I'd want you any other way."
"You only get me in small doses," Chat smiled. "If I was yours... you might think differently."
"Hey," she stopped him. "I need you to listen to me for a minute."
Chat nodded.
"What you just said, about how I'm the only person you share this side of yourself with... Chat, that means a lot to me. It really does," said Marinette, with a soft smile. "And the last thing I want you to do is to feel like there's something wrong with that side. There isn't. If I was yours... that's how I would want you to be."
The air went silent for a moment.
"Though, of course... I'm not," Marinette added, rather hastily.
"Y-yeah," Chat stammered. "How crazy would, uh... that be?"
Another moment passed, quietly.
"Anyway," he blurted, "the same kind of thing happened. She thought that I'd been lying to her... lying to make excuses to get away from her because I didn't want to be with her."
"Were you?"
Chat stared at Marinette.
"Not judging at all. Just asking," she clarified.
"No, I wasn't... not in the way that she meant it, at least," he replied. "There were times that I had to get away from her, for... Hawkmoth stuff. I liked being with her... I liked having her as a good friend, very much. What little we had beyond that... I kind of liked that, too. But I'll admit that, well, my heart wasn't completely in it."
"You're still in love with Ladybug," breathed Marinette.
"Kind of. And maybe a little bit with someone else," Chat offered.
"Really?" Marinette marveled. "Who is that?"
"Let me put it this way," said Chat. "If I ever decide to tell her how I feel... you'll be the first to know."
"Heh. I would hope so," smiled Marinette. "You aren't that good at hiding things from me, Chat."
Chat's only response to that was a smile.
"Okay. Back to you," he ventured. "You can't really tell me what's going on with you... but you can handle it yourself. But you can't handle it yourself... entirely."
"Something like that," Marinette muttered.
"You can't tell me. Is there someone else that you can talk to about this?" he asked. "Anyone else? You are one of the strongest, bravest, most compassionate people I know... but even you have your limits, Marinette. And it's not a crime to reach out."
"I know it isn't. I feel a little better just talking this much out with you," she smiled, slightly. "And you are wonderful for listening."
"Of course. But, uh, my question?"
Marinette closed her eyes.
"Okay. The romantic side of my problems... I think I'm closing that whole thing down for now," she declared. "I've messed things up with one great guy by not being ready for a relationship. I'm not going to do that again with someone else."
"Even if your Mystery Crush came a-calling?" wondered Chat. "Hearts in eyes, rose in teeth?"
"Fine," she grumbled. "If he did that, I wouldn't know what to do. He'd have to wake me up first, because I'd be passed out cold! But I don't think that's a problem right now... because he's got a girlfriend, and I won't interfere with that."
"We're both walking examples that sometimes relationships don't last very long," Chat shrugged. "Wait and see, I guess."
"But even with him, I would want to make myself say 'no, not now.' I don't know if I could make myself say it... but it would be the right thing to do."
"You really believe that?"
"Chat, have you been listening to me?" she griped. "I am a mess right now. I had a good thing starting up and it should have been so easy and I couldn't handle it because of... everything! I can't... I just can't do that kind of thing until I figure out how to balance my life. And I... I don't know when that'll be."
"Let me say something, Marinette."
She nodded, and went quiet.
"I'm not going to say anything bad about Luka... because I don't have anything bad to say about him. I know him. He's a good person," Chat began. "And he is crazy about you."
"How do you know that?"
"I've seen him with you."
Even in the low evening light, Marinette's blush and discomfort were both obvious. "Okay," she admitted. "Go ahead."
"Maybe he's not the right guy for you right now. If things change in your life and you approach him, you can't tell me that he wouldn't want to try again. Now isn't the time for that, obviously," offered Chat. "But that doesn't mean that there's no right guy for you right now."
"Chat..."
"I'm saying that you, Marinette Dupain-Cheng... you are amazing. You are worth waiting for. You are someone that the right guy should be willing to stand by and support, no matter what. And that's not bagging on Luka because he didn't do that... because he wasn't prepared for that. If you're up front with the next guy, that special guy, and you tell him that you're going through a hard time but you are interested..."
"..."
"...you might be amazed by how he'd react."
Marinette stared at Chat, long and hard... as if seeing him more clearly for the first time.
"It's more than that, Chat... God, how do I even begin to respond to that?" she mumbled. "I think my teeth are blushing."
"I meant every word."
"Stop," Marinette insisted, but with a smile she couldn't immediately suppress. "Look... the things that I'm talking about, all the other complications in my life... they're not going away any time soon. They just can't."
"Then there has to be someone that you can talk to about some of them. You have friends, good friends, who would do anything to support you," retorted Chat. "You have wonderful parents. Maybe you can't tell them everything, or you'll need to hold back some details... like the name of a certain crush that you still won't tell me..."
"If I tell you... and he's someone that you know... I know you, Chat. That'll start a whole set of dominoes falling that I'm not ready for," she grumped.
"Marinette... if you can't handle something, that worries me. And you can tell me not to worry about you... but I won't listen."
"Which, I hate to admit it, is one of your best qualities."
"I'll make it simple," Chat smiled. "I'm here for you... any time that you want or need to talk about things. If you can talk to someone else about those other things... it might make things easier for you. And I'd like that very much."
Marinette stood up. "Come here, you," she motioned.
Chat stood up as well... then blinked as Marinette wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his shoulder. He hugged her back, by reflex at first.
"You are so good to me," she murmured. "I hope that you know that."
The urge to say two words and be holding Marinette in his own arms, as his uncostumed self, was overwhelming... but he held back from that.
This time.
"Okay. My turn, again," Marinette declared, stepping back slightly.
"All right... but I won't guarantee that I won't do the same thing that you just did."
"I'll take that chance," she smiled, with a hint of a giggle. "Now... I know you, Chat. You're a lot of things... but you're not a liar. We wouldn't be as close as we are if you were."
"I try not to be," he agreed.
"So what I'm going to say is... okay, you had to cross some lines to protect your identity. I... kind of get how that could be a thing," Marinette continued. "How hard that must be for you. And I know that from what little you've told me about your everyday life... that isn't a cakewalk, either."
"It has its moments..."
"But you're an amazing person, too. That girl saw some of that... or she wouldn't have wanted to be with you," she smiled. "And if you were showing her your true self, warts and all... goofy and gallant, caring and carefree, noble and a little nutty... you were being honest with her. You were sharing what you should've shared with her. Maybe she'll see that, if she thinks about it. Maybe she won't. I don't know her, so I can't tell."
"I... can't say whether you do or not," Chat noted. "Obviously."
"If she doesn't... someone else is going to see the greatness in you. Just like I do," soothed Marinette. "I'm... not saying that Ladybug's going to change her mind and fall in love with you, okay? She can speak for herself. But maybe you should tell your Mystery Girl what you see in her sometime."
"What if I... already have?"
"Then, one of these days... maybe she'll finally hear you. I hope that she does."
It was Chat's turn to stand motionless, wondering how to react to that.
"I... don't know what to say," Chat murmured. "But... I should probably get home and think about it, before they find me missing."
"Yeah, that might be a good idea," Marinette agreed. "But thank you for coming by tonight... I think that I needed this."
"I know that I did," he echoed. "I took off tonight just running... just as hard and fast as I could, nowhere in particular. And look where I ended up... right where I needed to be."
He opened his arms, invitingly, and she stepped into them once more.
"I'm just glad that I could help. I mean, I hope that I did," she smiled.
"Definitely."
Once they disengaged, Chat lingered for a moment more, as if searching for words to say... then shook it off. "Good night, Marinette," he simply said.
"Good night, Chat."
And with a couple of strides and a mighty leap, he was gone.
Chat's mind whirled as he headed for home.
That was... unexpected, he marveled. Not that she had good advice; she always does. But the closeness...!
I've been coming to visit Marinette like this for a long time now. We've sat and talked, we've joked, we've shared our horror stories, we've... well, bonded. Tonight felt like something new, though. Something one step further.
It's probably just that... we were both vulnerable tonight. Two lonely people with some hard dating luck. We both needed someone to lean on... and we were there for each other. If I read more into it than that, I'm playing with fire...
I didn't just lose Kagami as a girlfriend. I lost her as a FRIEND. I couldn't possibly let that happen with Marinette... that would be my ultimate nightmare.
She sounded like she's REALLY not interested in dating in general. The smoke hasn't even cleared on what Kagami and I had. She's told me she's not interested in me that way... without the mask.
And the idea of dating her as Chat... that's just ridiculous, right? We couldn't go places in public together, we'd have to steal moments whenever we could... that could get frustrating REALLY fast.
But...
Visions of Marinette pulling him close filled his mind. The same girl who seemed skittish about even touching Adrien was snuggling up to Chat and blushing at his words.
"If I was yours... this is how I'd want you to be," she told me. She really said that to me tonight.
I... need to get home, and through the shower, and into bed. Quickly.
Because I'll be doing SO MUCH staring at my ceiling tonight... so I might as well get started soon.
Marinette watched Chat go... her gaze following him until he was out of sight... then shook her head to clear it, as if exiting a daydream. Picking up her sketchpad, she headed back down to her room and flopped onto her bed.
Wow, she wondered to herself. That was, um... more than I'd anticipated tonight?
Chat has a GIRLFRIEND? Or did, at least, for a little while?
I mean, that's not SO startling, is it? He's someone special. I can't be the only one who'd notice that... and when he's not trying way too hard, he IS pretty charming.
But he tried over and over to win Ladybug's heart. He even lied about a girlfriend to try to make me jealous. If he really _did_ start seeing someone, he wouldn't even have mentioned it to me...?
...Well, he just DID, didn't he? But to ME. Not to Ladybug...
What does it matter? Marinette insisted. She broke it off... and he took that so hard. The poor boy.
I've tried so hard not to have Ladybug lead Chat on... to raise his hopes before I turn him down. He can be so sensitive. I've never wanted to hurt him.
Maybe that other girl that he mentioned... whoever she is... I hope that she's paying attention, and she realizes what she might have in him! And that she can be patient with him, and put up with occasional strangeness and excuses...
...like Luka tried to be for me.
That thought brought back a bit of melancholy for her, but she refused to let it take over.
Maybe Chat was right, she considered. I don't know how I'm ever going to get all the parts of my life to line up, but if I ever do... maybe I should approach Luka again? Just to have someone in my life who can be there for me, who'll always listen, who'll help keep me sane...
...like Chat does.
She felt like the universe was trying to tell her something, just for a moment...
I wish I could tell Chat about Ladybug, just so that he'd understand why I keep so many secrets, Marinette frowned. I can't, of course... it's SUPER important that he, of all people, can't know who I am.
But could he be right about that too? Bottling everything up is driving me NUTS. Tikki listens... but a PERSON that I can talk with would be something even better for me.
If I was going to choose one confidant... one person that I could absolutely trust with anything... with my biggest secret...
Faces floated across Marinette's mind's-eye. Her parents, Adrien, Alya, Rose, Juleka, Mylène, Alix... Adrien... could I tell Adrien? she wondered... Alya.
...who should it be?