Nesta lurched awake breathing heavily, eyes wide. Sweat dripping from her body. Her father's face in her mind coming to save them, only to have his neck snapped. A spout of magic missing a king and killing hundreds. Cassian's broken body underneath hers. Being dragged into the cauldron, eternal black surrounding her. She ran towards the bathroom, retching into the toilet several times.

It was her second week in Illyria, and they had started to appear again after she stopped drinking. Cassian made sure that there was nothing in the house and it was getting harder and harder each time she woke from them. She leaned her head on her arm eyes closing.

Slowly, Nesta got up and wipe her mouth rinsing a few times before grabbing her robe and walking into the living area. There was no fire, but a few fae lights were on illuminating Cassian's figure in the kitchen. His eyes met her and swept down her wholly.

He wasn't in his fighting leathers, but a comfortable tunic and pants. It did not even look like he had gone to bed yet. His eyes locked with hers and she felt naked. She kept eye contact with him not wanting to be the one to yield.
Those stupid, stupid eyes.

"Come sit with me," Cassian said looking away and talking to the wooden kitchen table. Playing cards set on the top. "Play a game."

"And why should I play cards with you," Nesta said pulling her robe tighter around her body against the frigid cold. Cassian kept his word and refused to light any fires. Since she got here, she refused to do little more than read and lay in bed. Cassian had made several attempts to get her to train to exercise to do something besides sit in this little hut.

"Because you can't sleep and you have nothing better to do then to play a little game of cards with me"

He had a point but she was sure he was up to something. In the weeks that they had been here she had not truly talked to him or done anything with him. To try and eat something. He tried to get her to but she never agreed. He had tried to even force her to eat, but that again did not work.

"What's wrong with you?" Nesta asked her brows furrowed. He did not have his usual flirtatious manner about him. His face and stance had changed in a way. Like he was trying to approach her carefully and did not want to say the wrong thing. He patiently was looking at her holding a few cards in his hands, brows raised.

"I don't know what you are talking about," he said "I'm perfectly fine. I just want to play a game of cards."

"It's never just one thing with you," Nesta said coming to sit down across from him at the table. There was a little teacup next to him steaming and a matching one on her spot.
"Drink," He said pushing the cup towards her. Nesta straightened her back and did not touch the cup. He nodded grabbing her cards.
"Come on sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with a little game of cards. It helps to get your mind off of things."
"Fine," Nesta said picking up the few cards that Cassian dealt her. She shifted her back going straight as she assessed her hand. They were silent for several minutes, the only thing that could be heard was the snapping of the cards as they laid them.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cassian asked not looking up at her.

"I don't know what you are talking about." Nesta looked down at her cards as she spoke. Unable to look him in the eye.

"Okay,"

"Okay?" Nesta said back brows raised.

Cassian looked up "Yeah, okay."

"Fine," she shifted her eyes down and look at her cards placing a few down "go."

"You know I can probably bring you some more books. It looks like you have gone through the stack that we brought with us." He said picking up more cards and snapping them down. Nesta did not say anything to that. She just continued the game the picking up of cards and the putting down.

"Fine," She finally answered after a few moments.

Cassian smiled, "Great I'll pick some up when I go to Emerie's"

"Who is Emerie?"

"She owns a shop and sells a whole bunch of things. You could probably come with me to get them. It's not too far. It would get you out of this house."

"Maybe, this shack is boring."

Cassian chuckled, "Well Sweetheart, I have given you several occasions to come out with me."

"I don't think training is a form of 'getting out of the house', besides reading is more useful." She had not met his gaze her several minutes choosing instead to watch her cards and the ones on the table.

They were quiet for the next hour. Neither of them were choosing to talk, Nesta could feel his gaze on her face but she chose to ignore it. She did not think she could handle it. Not tonight.

Cassian broke the silence, "You know I get those dreams all the time. It is just this thing that I can't seem to get away from and it haunts me. Every single person that I have had to kill, every person that has died. It has from the last 500 years." He snapped down a few of his cards.

Nesta refused to say anything and continued to snap her cards down. She hated, HATED to let anyone in, especially this bat winged bastard. It had bothered her from day one that Cassian had seen into her. So easily, so quickly, almost effortlessly. It pissed her off to no end.

"We should start training tomorrow. You have been here for two weeks; I think it is time we start."

"As I said, I did not sign up to start training. I did not sign up to do anything. I was living my life perfectly fine, until my sister shipped me off to Illyria." She had attitude in her voice, a little sarcasm, and definitely a little flame. Another card snapped on the table.

"I think it will help you." Cassian was unphased and calm. He snapped more cards down on the table. His handsome face looking at her like… she did not know.

"Why are you like this?" Nesta demanded refusing to put down any more cards looking straight into his face.

"I don't know what you mean." Cassian mused. He kept his pose relaxed focused again on his cards.

"Why are you acting like this? Stop trying to help."

"No," He took a sip from the tea beside him.

"I'm done," Nesta got up and started towards her room. She needed to get away from him as quick as possible.

"I know how you feel, Nesta! I—"

Nesta whirled around towards him point a finger, "You know nothing of how I feel," She yelled

"You did nothing for months after the war, after everything."

Nesta hated that gaze from the moment she saw him. He knocked down her carefully build walls like they were paper. Looked right into who she was.
Cassian just looked at her, face turning softer somehow. "I have been through several wars, Nesta. I have done the same thing you are doing countless times." When Nesta said nothing he continued, "I can see you are hurting and that you need something to pull you back from the abyss. And unfortunately, you are doing it in an unhealthy way."

Nesta continued to just stare at him saying nothing. She did not know what to say. Deep down she knew he was right but also she did not want to admit that.

"You know what is not fair Cassian? That I did not get to make a choice. In any of it." He could already see through her so might as well be honest. "I did not choose this life, I did not choose to become fae, and I certainly did not choose to come here. You want to help me, but everyone just keeps making choices for me. Like I am supposed to do as you say because my dear sister and Rhysand know what is best for me. So, while the choices I was making were not the best ones, at least I was making my own. I was living my own life."
Nesta decided to stop there. She could tell by the look on his face that she had said enough for the night. She did not want to admit any more. She did not want to admit a lot of things actually. So, she didn't. With that, she made the track back to her room.