silver lining in the clouds, a red queen, victoria aveyard fanfic

Spring Seasonal
Days of the Year | April 30th - Honesty Day | Write about being honest with someone
Hufflepuff Challenge | 15. Rainbow | Write about working things out after a fight

May Writing Club
Loft | 16. [emotion] guilt
Marvel Appreciation | 10. Muspelheim | [object] fire

WC: 1135

o . o . o

silver lining in the clouds

When we get back to his room, Cal busies himself with arranging the sleeper we share, packing up our meager belongings. Anything to avoid looking at me. He's angry with me, and I understand why. He thinks I'm leading everyone into a death trap. And it's hard to believe that I'm not, even for me. The only thing we know about Corros is that our abilities won't work there. We have little other knowledge of the prison and no plan. It's more than likely that we won't be making it back, but we have to try. I have to try.

"Cal, about what you said on the Blackrun…"

I can see his shoulders tense. We both said a lot of things on the jet, but I think he knows which thing I'm talking about. At least, I hope he does, because I really don't want to repeat it. The words hurt him enough the first time, even though they were his own.

This argument feels like it was a lifetime ago - before Jon, before Cameron. But I don't want to let it hang. Especially if we don't make it back. I don't want Cal to die thinking that I don't care. Part of me wishes I could leave him at the Notch where I know he'd be safe. See, Cal, Kilorn isn't the only one I try to protect. But I would never ask him to stay, no matter how much I might want it, and Cal would never agree to anyway. I will lead him into danger time and time again and one day I will lead him to his death, I'm sure of it.

I realize that Cal is waiting for me to speak again, so I shake my thoughts away. "You know that I care about you, right?"

It's an understatement, another half truth. I see his shoulders drop, but it doesn't look like relief, it looks like defeat. I want to reach out to him, but I'm afraid his touch would burn me. Not because of his abilities, but because of how much I've hurt him.

"But you think that I'm going to leave," he replies, and it's not a question.

"I don't know what happens after we kill Maven," I admit. "Kilorn said… Kilorn said you would try to take back your throne."

Cal is silent for a long time, and I see a storm of different emotions cross his face. I'm disappointed that he doesn't deny it right away.

"I don't think anyone would let me do that," he says at last, sadness echoing in his voice. "Maven is killing all the Silvers who support me - to the rest, I'll be a king-killer twice over. If the Guard wins, I'll be the biggest threat to their new government. And all that's if we manage to kill Maven and Elara without dying first. Honestly, Mare, I'm not sure there's any scenario in which I get out of this alive, so maybe you're right not to get too attached."

I can't stop the guilt that washes over me. I did this to him. None of this would have happened if he hadn't stopped to give me those coins outside the tavern. And all I give him in return is suspicion. I try to justify it, telling myself that in all the things Cal just said, he didn't deny that he'll try to take his crown back if we let him. But it's a half-hearted attempt at best.

"Why do you think I stay? Help with the newbloods?" he sighs. He looks like he's tired of trying to convince me to trust him. He probably is.

"Because of me," I whisper. Because you are foolish enough to love me.

Cal smiles, but he shakes his head.

"You thought I would give up my crown for you before, remember? How'd that work out?"

He doesn't say the words with any bite or malice, but they sting all the same. A reminder that Cal's love for me is not absolute, and there are things he would sacrifice me for.

"Because I'm your best chance at killing Maven," I say, amending my answer.

He shrugs at that. "You are. But we could sneak off and make a plan to kill him ourselves. We both know he's not invincible, we've beaten him before."

"Then why, Cal?" I snap, losing patience. I don't like feeling foolish.

"I could refuse to help, I could just hunker down in here, do nothing and bide my time until you're ready to go after him," he says, sitting down on the sleeper. "I certainly don't have to help train the newbloods."

"You wouldn't choose to be a prisoner, not again," I say through gritted teeth.

"I care about my people, Mare," he says, finally giving me the answer to his own question. "I wanted to be a good king, for everyone, Reds and Silvers. I know you don't believe that - you think I only cared about people like me, but that's not true. And I… I understand that my view of it was flawed, that my… my way of caring was not necessarily right. We've talked about it before, I know, but I thought such monumental change would cost too much. I reasoned that more Reds would die as a result than if I tried to change things incrementally. But whether I think it's the best way or not, a revolution is here and there's no going back from it now. If you lose, there will be no return to life as it used to be. The Measures will seem like nothing compared to what Maven will do in punishment. I don't want to see that happen to my country, to my people."

I look at Cal carefully, look at the fire burning in his eyes and the small flickering flames that I'm not sure he's realized are licking at his wrists yet. He looks regal, and if he made this speech to everyone, they'd probably be following him in a heartbeat. Cal was born to lead. I'm hesitant, but looking at him, I believe what he's saying. Cal was never as good at lying at his brother, and these days he doesn't really try to. Anything he doesn't want to say, he'll just keep to himself. Secrets serve him better than lies. But even though I believe him, I just can't feel that trust click into place. Suspicion still haunts me like a shadow.

Instead of speaking, I move toward Cal. He stands and lets me wrap my arms around his waist, his hands resting lightly on my back. What I wouldn't give to just let myself trust him and love him completely. Even though I recognize the truth in everything Cal's said, I've learned this lesson too many times.