The title of the story for those who are interested refers to a passage from Allan Edgar Poe's poem: Ulalume: "In terror she spoke, letting sink her Wings till they trailed in the dust - In agony sobbed; letting sink her Feathers till they trailed in the dust - Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust." which I have allowed myself to modify slightly (but hardly).
SUMMARY: "I'll be dead before I let him live." As Naruto is about to become the hero he ever wanted to be, fate happens to stroke hard. Choices are no longer his to make, not when he has now to share his body with something he did not think would ever be possible. In great danger, Naruto will need the face the world and the Akatsuki and their late-minute Great Design.
PAIRING : I'm never set when I start a story, I write for the plot not for romance in general, but basically I had an idea of naru/sasu like in 2000 chapters lmao. Facts spitting : i have no idead so if you do, or if you have particular desires, send them to me. I stan for shikatema (and those who don't like it don't deserve to be happy, that's it).
TRIGGER WARNING: the story will mention torture, human scientific experimentation, psychological and physical violence, graphic descriptions of fights, wounds, blood, etc. mention of sexual violence (nothing graphic in principle), manipulation, bashing, harassment, mention of suicide and/or suicidal thoughts, murder, depression - I'll try to specify at the beginning of each chapter if you prefer.
I don't have a beta at the moment. If you feel like it, I'm looking for one! If you see any typos/missing words/whatever, please let me know. Have a good read! English ain't my native language.
The title of the chapter comes from a song by Pentakill.
LETTING SINK HIS TAILS TIL THEY TRAILED IN THE DUST
I - AS WE FALL
It all started like this:
Naruto had fainted. He had foolishly jumped from that ridiculous tree branch just to reach one, right there, a little further. He had gotten dizzy and had fallen down a few meters down. With his face buried in the dust, Naruto thought that even for him, it was just too much. This was the fourth time this week that something like this had happened to him. He might have some inclination for clumsiness, but this was simply abuse.
"You alright?"
Glancing at his master, the teenager had slowly moved from a flat stomach position to a sitting position, sliding his palms against his scraped knees which however, did not take long to heal - thank you Kyûbi -, while the pain, however, continued to pulsate under his skin, reminder of his clumsy fall.
"I'm okay", he had said with a voice that was high because of the frustration that was slowly but surely starting to boil in his veins. "Great, perfect. Everything is just fine."
His master had glared at him, because, really? Naruto and sarcasm were two things that did not go together. And when the blond's attempt at a smile failed because of a gag, the adult couldn't help but think that it was his life choices that had led him to this very moment: to witness the most elegant show that was the vomit projections, two inches from his sandals. Not far away, it is a more pale and pallid Naruto that he observed without even trying to be discreet. His student, bent in two, had just emptied the contents of his stomach at the foot of a tree. It took a few moments for the boy to catch his breath, one hand clenched against his stomach while his blue eyes looked at Kakashi, who was wavering between disgust and concern, eyes filled with tears. If there was one thing that could qualify Uzumaki Naruto besides his obvious hyperactivity and his ability to make situations rather funny, it was the fact that he never, ever got sick. It was just impossible since he was a Jinchuriki AKA an endless source of chakra with the ability to heal almost all his wounds in no time. So he had never caught a cold, or even broken an arm, or caught the flu. He never had.
So for him to suddenly start gulping like that was enough to worry the most impassive man on earth.
"Naruto?"
Kakashi had not been able to take his eyes off his student, having even closed his adult book that he had slipped into the pouch hanging from his waist. It was to say: the situation was not to be taken lightly. The man had thus approached his young student, bending his knees in order to be at his height. Naturally, he had come to rest the back of his hand against the patient's forehead.
"You don't have a fever though...You drank stale milk again, didn't you?"
Kakashi had thought that this was exactly why he didn't have children: too quick to poison themself because they did not want to cook proper meals. Naruto would end up killing him with a heart attack because he felt like he was always worrying about him. The boy was not made of sugar, but nobody had taken the time to show him how to take care of himself. No doubt he himself shared some of the responsibility for this mess. As a teacher, wasn't he supposed to educate him? Or maybe he could play blind and blame everything on the late Hiruzen. Yeah. That's a good idea, he thought, as he gave his student his most suspicious pout.
Not to me, kid, he had thought.
He had kept silent though. If Naruto liked to poison himself with expired milk, that was his business after all.
"No, of course not!" Naruto was outraged. "Damn it, I'm not twelve years old anymore. And it happened once. You can't keep bringing up that story every time."
With his mouth half open, the boy took a deep breath as he felt the nausea coming back in full force.
"Breathe," Kakashi had advised him without taking offense at the dark look that was directed at him.
He had, at the same time, prevented him from standing up on his legs. A fall would surely be less painful - sine qua non humiliating - if Naruto was already on the ground, than from the top of his five feet.
"We should go back and ask Tsunade-sama to help y..."
"There's no need to bother the old Tsunade for a stomach cramp," muttered the host of the tail beat who saw in horror everything that came close or far, to the medical profession. "It happens to everyone. And there's the mission. You're the one who always says that the mission comes first, right?"
"Not if it's at the expense of the lives of your precious comrades."
Naruto rolled his eyes.
"The life of.. What the heck. I'm not going to die. I mean, I don't think so. Damn it, am I going to die? I'm too young to die Kakashi-sensei!"
Behind his mask, the man could only smile. He assured his young student that as far as he knew, no one had died because of those famous stomach cramps and relieved, Naruto had addressed a silent prayer to the Gods. Because really? He wanted to become Hokage and dying before he could achieve his dream was not one of his primary goals. After that, the tension was gone and so was the nausea.
They had resumed their journey, as two lonely people, master and pupil. And nothing had settled down. During the ten days of the trip, the student had been sick every morning, after every meal, at the sight and smell of every dish cooked. Stomach continuously emptied, devoid of energy, Naruto had collapsed once again. It was the lack of water, sugar, anything you wanted and naturally, Kakashi had decreed the mission cancelled and a hasty departure from the plains of Taki, much to the dismay of his student.
"You have an appointment with Tsunade as soon as you return to Konoha, Naruto."
Annoyed, the teenager had cursed him for at least five generations, moodily arguing that he didn't need help.
"But I'm fine, damn it! I don't need you Kakashi-sensei, so mind your own damn business!"
"Naruto."
Even the stern tone of the masked man had not been able to appease the anger of the young shinobi. The blue of his eyes showed a reddish hint here and there and before he could even think of offering an apology to the adult, Naruto had turned on his heels, determined to put some distance between his master and himself. And Kakashi in all this, had not been able to find the right words. He could understand the fear that Naruto felt at the idea of being sick, of being afflicted by an illness that the most common medicine could not cure. He could not, however, excuse the lack of respect.
"Naruto, wait!"
The shinobi had launched himself in pursuit of his charge, catching up with him without too much trouble, although slightly out of breath. A Naruto in the grip of the Bijuu, was all too likely to quickly outrun his peers. His physical abilities were, after all, clearly increased.
"What!?" the teenager had also attacked him.
Kakashi had stared at him, more impassive than ever.
"Calm down, getting on your high horse is useless," he had huffed rather annoyed before resuming calmly; "does Kyûbi know what's going on in there?"
The index finger pointed towards his pupil, the latter made a sudden stop, almost hitting his elder, his azure eyes suddenly lit up by a glimmer of hope. It was a soothing sight. Like a sun timidly pointing its rays beyond the night.
"I... No. Damn, why didn't I think of that before! If anyone knows what's going on with my body... !"
The next thing I knew, he was laying his ass on the ground in that position so similar to the one the grandmasters used in meditation.
Unlike so many other times when he had tried to access his mind in vain, he had succeeded in a few seconds, discovering without surprise, the replica of a chain of volcanoes which the fox with the nine tails had taken malicious pleasure to cover his mind.
A few months earlier, Naruto and Kyûbi had come to make a deal. Naruto because he wanted to become stronger in order to save his best friend, to gain the respect of the villagers and to climb the ladder at the same time, Kyûbi because having the impressionto live in a sewer had started to burn the patience that he didn't have. Also, because he had his pride (a misplaced pride certainly but all the same) and that he had had enough, so to speak, to see how many treated his host. As much as he hated the kid and the two idiots who had brought him into the world, he still held on to his reputation as a big, nasty, mountain-destroying, baby-killing beast (or whatever it was they called him these days) and seeing more and more that his host was a clumsy idiot had finished annoying him. The demon had a tendency to think he was a god, wanting to be treated like one. In his humble opinion: gods do not associate with plebs.
Thus, the deal seemed to him to be a good way to relieve his boredom. Besides, it gave him all the room he needed to manipulate his fool of a host and if at the same time he could put some sense into him and make him a shinobi worthy of being the host of a god, well, it was all good. Who knows, maybe in ten years they would burn entire villages laughing like maniacs.
The blond had called the fox several times, starting to wander in his mind, still amazed to see that the Bijuu had really done a nonsense of his mind. How on earth could the copy of his apartment be there, at the bottom of a cave, in the hollow of a molten volcano ? It was beyond comprehension, more worthy of himself than his squatter, for sure!
"Why in hell are you here, blondie?"
Naruto had turned around, his curious gaze fixed on the animal silhouette of his personal hinderer. He had huffed and puffed because it was really the only reaction he could muster to this being he still felt was evil, even if he did occasionally give him his chakra so he could kick the asses of even more evil shinobi.
"I'm here for the rent, obviously."
"As always, I'm laughing my ass off."
The fox gave a disdainful snort and then turned his attention back to the comic book he was quietly reading before anyone came to bother him. Behind him,nine tails were beating the air furiously. Naruto had stared at him for a long time after that, thinking that the more it went on, the less sense his life had.
"Stop staring at me. It's disturbing. You're disturbing me."
"You're reading a comic book. Tell me again who is disturbing who?"
Without finding what to answer to this remark, the demon had sighed. Then, his day's activity disappearing as it had appeared - from nowhere, that is - he had deigned to pay a little attention to the orange-dressed bug.
"I have no idea what's going on with you, squirt."
Because, really? He had no idea. He was a spectator most of the time. Occasionally he'd get the urge to lash out. As for the rest, well, he wasn't a doctor, or even omniscient or omnipotent.
"You live in there," the boy had replied as if it were the ultimate argument against all the diseases in the world.
"Once again, your sense of observation amazes me."
"So what, you're cutting the deal? Mr. Nine-Tailed-Fox can't keep his promises? Youth is a beautiful thing these days! Really, what was I thinking trusting you? Actually, you know what? No. I don't even trust you. For all I know, you're the one who's killing me. You feast on my intestines when my back is turned, right? That's cannibalism, you know that, right?"
"What are you talking ab... Are you retarded?"
Because, really? The demon could only wonder if his host was actually sane. No news for days and when he showed up, it was either to order him to give him chakra or to accuse him of cannibalism. Kyûbi was not sure at this point if he should be angry or not. Faced with the hysteria of his host, he decided to go gently. After all, he didn't want to end up in an asylum for the rest of his host's life, staring at white walls while waiting for someone to come and medicate him. That would be the end of his sanity. And he liked his health well enough as it was.
"Enough with the whining," he had said to the boy.
Naruto had released an angry sound before wiping with an aggressive gesture, the wetness in his eyes. Then, because at the end of the day he was still a kid, he had felt the need to act stubborn as he said in a scandalised tone :
"I'm not crying! It's your shitty volcano that's burning my eyes already."
Typical, the demon had told himself before resuming in a loud voice:
"I don't know what's going on with your body. Not exactly, at least. There are interferences, but who am I to say what they are, or even what they are doing there?"
"Who am I," Naruto repeated at the peak of disbelief. "You're a chakra beast, aren't you? Shouldn't that be your area of expertise?
"You spend your life eating ramen, shouldn't you know how to make it?"
"Dude, that's totally irrelevant. What the heck are you talking about?"
And because he didn't want to dwell on how stupid this human was, the demon had changed the subject and not without rolling his eyes.
"Listen, you should listen to the guy who is your master and go see the other stupid descendant of Senju. It's her thing to tinker with Chakra."
Naruto didn't stop at the double insult. He didn't have time even though the urge to break the demon's kneecaps was starting to be seriously felt. Instead, he had taken a few moments to himself to organize his thoughts. Then, the world had started to spin around him and again he had found himself lost in the middle of the forest, in the company of his master.
He had barely had time to get away from the adult when his stomach turned once more.
"I hate intrapersonal travel," he had moaned, drool on his chin.
Both master and student had stopped nearly four days later to enjoy a well-deserved break. They had then reached the borders of the Land of Fire and, playing with estimations, Kakashi had suggested that the very next day around noon, it was the hidden village of the leaves that they would reach. Needless to say that the night was long for Naruto at the top of exhaustion and even more for the adult who had not stopped watching him closely.
Honoring the predictions of the copy ninja, the two men had thus flushed out their native village at the end of the morning the following day. They had barely had time to pass through the oversized gates, when a ninja-doctor escort had met them and accompanied them to the central hospital. Then Naruto had been taken to a room under the curious looks of those who could see who it was, going unnoticed by many who obviously had better things to do than to take care of other people's business. Hospitals turned out to be scary enough as it was to add to the misery after all. When he had finished putting on the traditional gown, it was through the examination that Naruto passed. The company was unpleasant. First of all because he hated, and he repeated it for who wanted to hear it, the hospitals. Then, because he had witnessed something strange when the first nurse wanted to take his blood. The needle had broken against his skin. The nurse had stared at him for a long time. Naruto didn't need to be a mind reader to know what she was thinking. He had understood it the moment she had entered the room that had been given to him: she was not one of his fans. It was stupid, he had told himself. He didn't know her, had never spoken to her or anything. This woman hated him for what he stood for, because the rumors, because someone had had the good idea one day to make a human sacrifice of him. As if he never had a choice in the matter. The woman had left the room, but not without a fuss. She had no time to lose, she had said. Who dared to make fun of her by ordering her to go and give the Konoha demon some tests? With his heart in his mouth, Naruto had given himself a mental slap. He was no longer twelve years old to take so much to heart the remarks of complete strangers. Fortunately the one who had come to meet him after that had been more than professional. Naruto had felt good. The girl had smiled at him, had spoken to him as if he were an old and long lost friend. They had debated about the best types of ramen and before he could realize what he had done, the girl had left with vials filled with his blood.
It had been a strange afternoon. Yet, far from wanting to dwell on this strange fact, Naruto had tried to clear his mind. Worrying about anything was not helpful. Kakashi had told him so. Even the demon nestled in his stomach had lectured him at some point in the past few days. Apparently he hadn't enjoyed hearing his host ruminate all day. Naruto had hated him even more.
Besides the oddness of his day, it was the length of it that distressed the boy. He felt as if he had arrived days ago. He had seen the nurse, who was as soft as a flower petal, several times for another round of examinations. Not without a laugh, he had asked if she was going to bleed him out. The young woman looked incredibly embarrassed and confused. Naruto was quick to apologize after that. "It's just strange," he told her. "I'm not used to hospitals." Although, honestly? He often ended up there when he got his ass kicked. Well, that hadn't happened since Sasuke left and gods know he was going to keep it up.
When night fell on the village, the shinobi thought he was going crazy. Waiting was definitely not one of his favorite activities. Fortunately, shortly before six o'clock that day, Tsunade came to put an end to his ordeal.
The woman had lingered at the bedside of her protégé without him being aware of it. Exhausted, he had ended up falling asleep a few hours earlier. Tsunade had watched him for several minutes. She had told herself many things. That the boy looked more serene in his sleep even if traces of worry remained in that frown, that he appeared thinner than in her memories. That she hoped he would be able to get up after what she was about to say to him.
One moment, she had said to herself. Just let him enjoy the quiet for a moment more.
The moment passed, she had reached out with one of her hands, stroked a blond lock of hair that had turned almost gray in the semi-darkness of the room, before waking him up with a jolt to the shoulder.
"Naruto. Wake up."
The child had muttered something unintelligible that made the adult smile. She knew he was a heavy sleeper, difficult to wake up. She had insisted and when the boy's eyes had opened, lost on a place he could not recognize, she was grateful to be the first face to appear to him. In this world, waking up in an unfamiliar place could mean a lot of things. Kidnapping, mostly. It meant missions who'd gone wrong. Trauma. She didn't want to put this kid through any more than necessary. Naruto was just that, after all. A kid.
"Tsunade... you're here!" he marveled.
He had always loved this woman from the bottom of his heart. Not like he loved Sakura, of course. But sometimes, in his weakest moments, Naruto couldn't help but wonder if this was how kids felt about their mothers. And if that was that, then, well. Wasn't that the best feeling in the world?
"Of course, it was to see me that you came home after all."
A smile had come to be lost on the lips of his assigned doctor. However, beyond that, the young shinobi was not able to detect the slightest bit of joy, or even of that annoyance which usually tinted the face of the chief of his village when his gaze was on his person.
So he cleared his throat.
"Sorry again for... All that."
"Don't apologize. I'm here for that, I told you. Without patients, there's no reason to be a doctor after all."
"Still, you must have something else to do, right? Shizune is going to scold me again for not letting you do your paperwork."
"Shizune is going to be upset either way because I... Well, whatever," she said hastily.
Naruto had smiled, seeing through her game.
"Admit it, you've been sloppy lately grandma?"
And gods know it was enough for the said grandma to go from extreme nervousness to extreme anger. One flick later (the flick of the strength of a herd of rhinoceroses) and it was a whimpering Naruto holding his forehead that was found.
"Damn," he swore. "I'm supposed to be sick. You can't assault your patients grandma, it's counterproductive and..."
Tsunade had not tried to shut him up. Naruto had for habits to spoke when he was nervous. It was a good thing, she thought. They were both nervous now. Naruto having mentioned the G-word, the doctor's thoughts had naturally returned to the reason for his presence. His face twisted into a worried grimace. Naruto stopped jabbering.
"Come on," he said. "Get rid of the color. I'm going to die, aren't I? Is it an infection, some bullshit like that? I said I stopped eating expired stuff. I swear, okay?"
Honestly, what did you want Tsunade to say to that? When she heard him speak, she had been taken by a rush of affection so intense that she had thought for a moment that it would kill her. God, she loved that kid. He was profoundly dumb, but boy was he fair and right and kind. She couldn't believe that he was…
"No, she had answered. No, you are not going to die. But the news is not much better, I think. Well, if I may say so, mostly. I don't think you're going to accept my diagnosis like most of my patients."
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Tsunade. Like, absolute zero. So I'm not dying? That's important, right? The rest we don't care about!"
"Naruto," she said. "Remember to breathe okay? I am here. I'm not leaving you. I will never leave you. I'll be there from start to end. You just have to remember that. You are not alone. You never will be again."
The kid had stared at her for a long time afterwards. He didn't understand. He didn't want to understand. If he wasn't going to die, then why get herself into such a mess? Women are too much sometimes, he thought, shaking his head in annoyance.
"You're going to be a father, Naruto," the woman had announced, without being able to stop herself from feeling a hint of disgust invade her.
Father now sounded like an insult to her, like a swear word that she wanted to lock in a box with a double lock. She had never thought that she would address her words to the young man. To his wife perhaps, in a few years. Not to him when he was still essentially a child himself and apparently had no fucking idea what was happening to him. He hadn't chosen the situation he'd found himself in and that disgusted her.
Not surprisingly, her protégé's reaction was not long in coming. He had closed his mouth then had opened it again, then closed again. He had inspired, frowned, and opened his mouth once more. Then he had said:
"What?" disbelief painted his face.
Because there was no way something like that could happen to him. His ears were ringing, his heart was pounding in his chest, and all the boy could think about was that the train to monster town had just pulled into the station and he would be the main attraction.
"I don't know how this happened. In your case I mean. It's... there's no precedent. A child is growing in your womb. You're gonna be... You are... There's a child in your womb. I've had the tests redone, I've checked the results myself dozens of times. There is no mistake."
"No", he said. "No. No. Tsunade please don't."
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry".
And gods know she was. She would have given anything and everything so that this page of history would never be written. Oh how she would have loved to give her life and so many others so that this boy, this boy she had come to think of as her own son, could enjoy a fate quite different from the one that had been written. It was a dark fate. A dark story. There would probably be no happy ending. People would suffer. Others would die. And all this, all this to satisfy the desires of a man who had no regard for morality.