Apple pie is a staple in many cultures around the world, but in this essay I will explain why apple pie should NOT exist. It's all about the textures. It's not the cultural, economical and historical significance of apple pies in countries like America. Apple pie is nostalgic for food-centric holidays. Often associated with Thanksgiving like a turkey. Since pumpkin pie monopolized Halloween by a landslide. Christmas is characterised by savory mince and sweet cherry pies. You cannot escape it. It's considered to be the 'begginers' pie compared to pecan or cranberry.
Imagine if you will. THE disappointment of the entire pie family manifested in a 'simple' dish.
The hours of apple peeling and stewing. Stirring endlessly. Measuring the wet and dry ingredients. Observing slowly to avoid burning the cubes of fructose to the bottom of the pot. Hours of kneading pastry. The aroma of a sickly sweet, finger sticking syrup that coats your mouth with grit. The pain-staking presentation of pinched crust and golden-brown lattice.
The smell of cinnamon, apple and freshly baked golden brown pastry is inviting like a blazing hearth on a crisp winter evening. Spiced to reflect a fruitful-pun intended- harvest. Apple pie is an adventure for the taste buds. First the crisp lattice of pastry. Revealing the soggy fruit like quick sand. The mixture of slimy, mush of yellow, red or green apples. All now boiled down into a tart, colorless sludge that sticks in your throat as you struggle to swallow. The paradox of crumbly AND wet pastry at the bottom of the pie dish is heavy like a ball of dollar store, off brand play-doh. WHo thought, let's take this tart fruit and boil it down and serve between two edges of dough. Yeah, that sounds like an idea that will imprint upon the global consciousness.
Even paired with spices and vanilla ice cream, apple pie is bland compared to mine and other fruit pies. Served chilled it's a crunchy jelly. Consumed when warm apple pie is textured like slop for pigs. The lattice is like shards of glass jutting from apple flavored flesh. The bottom of the crust sticks to the pan like wet sand- good for sand castles and not much else. Pre-made pie fillings are constructed from a majority of chokos rather than apples. Choko is a fruit that chameleons the flavor of whatever it is cooked with - like eggplants. No one seems to understand.
For a moment, think really hard about the last time you had apple pie. Were you enjoying the pie or the company you were in? Seriously, nutritional facts aside, remember the textures. The hard cross-section of pastry on top to vent steam. The sloppy layer of mercifully little filling. The bottom crust absorbing all of the juices and crumbs like vacuuming up rocks. Saturated with fluid and crumbs. Always too thick and oily. Coated in melted butter.
In conclusion, apple pie belongs in the baby food aisle of the local grocer, nowhere near other fruits or pies.