It is a strange experience to undertake—watching someone die.
Riza stands at her mother's bedside, her palms sweating from the room's humidity. The sweltering August heat is stifling in the cramped room and presses down on everything it can find. Though the damp cloth cools in the pitcher, it turns to fire every time Riza sets it to her mother's forehead.
Riza flinches as her mother's coughs rack through the air. She hears the chair next to her scrape against the floor, and her father rises to stand next to his ailing wife. Riza instinctively takes a step back.
"Emily…" he mummers. "I…I can't…" He trails off, his eyes focused on the floor.
Riza's mother smiles. "Always a man of few words. It's alright, Berthold. I understand."
Her father doesn't speak, his jaw set in a hard line. He looks up briefly, then back to the floor. Her mother coughs again—the sound dry and brittle.
"Riza…" she gasps, and Riza is at her side immediately.
Her mother grips Riza's hand in her own. She can feel the bones underneath her mother's paper-like skin, but there is still warmth to them. Riza brings the hand up to her cheek.
"Stay." Riza whispers quietly, and her mother's eyes fill with tears.
"Mama…Mama has to go now." she coughs yet again, and clings to a rattling breath. "I love you, Riza. Be strong, be brave…"
Riza feels her chin start to tremble. She rushes forward and buries her face into her mother's nightshirt, releasing the tears she has held back until now. She can feel her mother's hand cradling her head. There is uneven rise and fall beneath her, until finally, it becomes quite still.
"Come back," Riza sobs. "Please…"
She doesn't remember how long they stay that way—a child grieving over her mother's body, the father still refusing to look at either of them. Riza cries until she has no more tears to spill.
A hand is placed on her shoulder, and Riza jumps at her father's touch. His voice comes out strained and detached.
"There's nothing to be done, child. She is gone."
Riza bows her head as a fresh wave of grief threatens to engulf her, and her father steers them towards the door.
"Come Riza, we must move on now."
The funeral is a quiet affair. Riza stands next to her father in a worn black dress as the Priest recites words of comfort and farewell. The tombstone is unadorned, simply bearing the name of her mother and the date of her birth and death. A bouquet of daisies adorns the ground next to it, the heat already starting to wilt them.
Riza visits the grave every summer with drooping flowers. Her father never accompanies her again.
"So you're telling me that you're never going to get married?"
Riza looks up from her place at the end of the couch, bouncing a one-year-old Elicia on her knee. The Colonel and Maes Hughes are sitting across from each other at the dining table, both looking slightly tipsy from the wineglasses in their hands.
Roy shoots his best friend a look of contempt. "I didn't say never, Maes. It's just not my focus right now."
Maes scoffs and takes another sip of wine. "Yeah right. Says the man who picks up a date every other weekend."
"I'm serious, Maes!" The Colonel's words are slightly slurred at this point, and Riza knows she'll be the designated driver for the fifth month in a row. "Non-committal outings are one thing, but a serious relationship with marriage as a goal is something completely different. I can't fully commit to that if I want to make it to the top—it wouldn't be fair to her."
Maes sighs. "And what about children, Roy? Don't you want any of those? Little flame alchemists running around and setting the house on fire?"
The Colonel lets out a snort. "If for some reason I do manage to sire offspring of some sort, they sure as hell won't be like me. I'll see to that personally."
Maes releases a sigh of exasperation, and Elicia giggles at the sight of her father slumping over the table. Maes looks up at them and smiles.
"And what about you, Hawkeye? Do you want any children?"
Riza's knee stills, and her hands turn clammy. Thoughts race through her head as she tries to find the right words to say. The Hawk's Eye become a mother? The idea was almost laughable. What right did she have to bring an innocent child into the world?
The first time Roy had dragged her over to the Hughes household for Sunday dinner, Gracia had asked Riza to hold Elicia while she finished the meal. Riza had tensed up as she tried to hold the infant at a safe distance away from herself. Elicia had wailed, and all Riza could see were the dozens of Ishvalan children, crying out for their dead mothers in the burning ruins of their city.
But as Gracia was busy at the stove, and with the Colonel and Maes steadily getting drunker, Riza had shut her eyes tight and let Elicia rest against her chest. Immediately, the infant stopped crying, and she could feel tiny fingers clutching at her blouse.
Every third Sunday since then, the Colonel would invite her to yet another dinner, and Riza found herself curled up with Elicia every time. She liked the way the baby felt against her, cradled and warm and safe. Elicia's eyes seemed to be trying to see the whole world at once, and they creased in laughter every time Riza tickled her chin.
It reminded her of how she used to feel with her own mother.
"I…I'm not sure." Riza finally responds. "It's not something I've really thought of before."
"You'd be a natural at it, Lieutenant." The Colonel says as he refills his glass.
"Sir?" She can already feel a blush starting to form at her collar.
The Colonel smiles and gives her small toast before leaning against the back of the chair. He stares at the ceiling sleepily for quite some time.
"I think you'd make a great mother." He finally says before dozing off.
Elicia starts to tug at Riza's skirt, and she bounces the little girl on her knee once again.
Edward's son already looks so much like his father, it's uncanny.
Oh course, Ed is delighted at the fact. ("He's going to be a great alchemist one day, just you wait! He's going to be the best…mechanic…Hi Winry, didn't see you there.")
Even Roy doesn't seem to mind holding the toddler for a moment. He looks quite smug as the child shrieks in delight whenever Roy lights a tiny flame in the palm of his hand.
The housewarming party for Edward and Winry is bursting to the brim. Riza is overjoyed to see friends she hasn't greeted since the Promised Day three years ago. Rebecca and Winry sit on the couch with their swollen bellies, gossiping over formula and baby clothes. Mai shows off a flashy diamond ring to anyone who will listen, Al laughing besides her. Maria Ross and Denny Brosh are playing a sort of drinking game (Maria is winning), and her team is huddled in the corner with a game of poker. Even Scar has managed to make it to the gathering, still looking slightly uncomfortable among the midst of the chaos.
"Hey!" Ed yells across the room to where Roy is bouncing harmless sparks against the floor for the child's amusement. "You better not be trying to light my kid on fire, you bastard!"
Roy looks offended. "I can control my flames just fine! The only danger this child's in is when he's with you!"
Ed pouts and rushes over to collect his son from the General's arms. "I don't trust you, Mustang. Captain, you're in charge for now."
Ed deposits his son onto Riza's lap, arguing with Roy the entire while. The little boy looks miffed at being taken away from the fireworks show, so Riza turns him to face her and brings out a small lollipop from her uniform pocket. The boy immediately forgets his disappoint and stretches out his fingers in delight.
"Uh-uh, not yet, little one." She says with a slight reprimand in her voice. "What do we say when we want something?
The little boy stares at her with golden eyes, his bangs sticking up exactly like Ed's does. "May I please have some candy, Ms. Riza?"
Riza chuckles and places the treat in the child's rounded hand. He gasps in delight and rips off the wrapper and places it straight in his mouth.
"Now, what do we say?" Riza asks the child teasingly, and she tickles the bottom of his foot. The little boy laughs with excitement, barely able to make out his gratitude. Riza's heart melts at the sound as it rings across the room. She looks up to find where Ed went to give him back his son, only to find Roy watching her, a sad smile playing on his lips.
Riza forgets her laughter, and gives him a small one back.
That night, in the privacy of a hotel room nearby, Roy takes her into his arms and holds her tightly into his chest. He is gentle with her tonight, rubbing small circles into her exposed skin.
"I'm so sorry, Riza." He whispers into her hair, her neck, her thighs, her back—kisses lingered with apologies along every part of her. "When this is all over, I'll give you the whole world. We'll have however many you want—I promise."
It isn't until eight years later that Riza's grandfather announces Roy to be the next Fuhrer. The reconstruction of Ishval, the work of turning Amestris into a democracy, and his adamancy of soldiers giving penitence in every way possible has worked well in his favor. Before the first democratically elected Fuhrer of Amestris took over, Grumman handed off the reins with a final act that the anti-fraternization laws be altered slightly under intense investigation beforehand.
"I wish I could have done it beforehand, my dear." her grandfather says to her as Riza realizes the implications of the act. "But I couldn't show favoritism more than I already have."
Rebecca insists that they at least have a small wedding ceremony ("I will murder you in your sleep with your own gun, Hawkeye!"), and Riza can barely hold back her happiness as she and Roy are bound in marriage before her grandfather. They receive endless amounts of well-wishes (and plenty of teasing from their all-knowing team), until finally Roy takes her by the waist to steer her towards the car. As soon as they return home, she only has to give him one look before he bursts out laughing.
"Alright, alright Riza." He says with a chuckle. He takes her hands, which have already been impatiently fiddling with the buttons of his uniform.
"Now Colonel Hawkeye, I have an order for you, and I expect full aptitude on your part. As my first act as Fuhrer of Amestris…" He looks at her, the playful lust dropping into something much deeper. His voice falls to a lower husk that makes her shiver.
"I wish to give my wife all that she desires."
Riza feels herself being lifted into his arms, his lips capturing hers hungrily all the way to the bedroom.
Riza wakes up eight months later in the middle of the night. She groans as the child inside her kicks and stands on all the wrong places.
"You're your father's son, alright." she mumbles as she slowly gets up from the bed with difficulty. Riza makes her way to the drawing room, and sits herself down with steaming lemon tea and a stack of work papers to sign.
She must not have been as discreet as she thought, as Roy enters the room only fifteen minutes later.
"What are you doing up, my love?" He smirks at her disheveled appearance, and she mockingly gives him a glare.
"I couldn't sleep, and your little devil child won't stop kicking." Riza says when he sits down on the chair next to her. "This is all your fault, by the way."
Roy chuckles lightly, then reaches his hand up to her swollen belly to rub it. Even now, she could feel their unborn child kicking against his fingertips.
"We have fighter, evidently." he says softly, and Riza melts at the sight of her husband gazing in wonder at the sight of their awaited son.
A week later, Riza wakes again in the middle of the night, crying out in pain.
"What is it?" Roy immediately snaps awake and is at her side. "Riza, what's wrong?"
There is blood on the sheets, and it has soaked through the entirety of her pajama bottoms. She feels a terrible cramping in her lower abdomen, and she cannot feel her baby move at all.
Roy cradles her tightly against him and rushes her to the hospital in their car. He curses and runs through every light, frantically telling her to stay with him about every ten seconds.
She stares numbly ahead. Something has gone horribly, awfully, wrong.
Riza is immediately taken into the operating room, where she is given an emergency C-section and delivery, seven weeks early. It is too late for an epidermal, and they want to put her under. Riza screams for Roy, who has been told to wait outside while she is placed in a room full of people trying to stick needles into her arm. Eventually they call him back in with her pleas. He whispers soothingly into her ear, stroking her back until she is calm enough to put her under anesthesia.
She feels a jolt of panic as the needle hits her vein, and her world fades to black.
Maes Alan Mustang lives only a few short hours.
The doctors have no idea what went wrong, as the fetus had been developing quite healthily in every checkpoint until then. They say miscarriage could be quite the mystery, neonatal death even more so. Riza doesn't hear half of it—her whole world turns upside-down when they hand her their tiny, perfect, dying son.
Maes doesn't open his eyes, only heaving with such ragged breaths that it punctures Riza's heart every time. She cradles the infant to her chest and kisses the top of his head. He has wispy dark hair that tickles her cheek—just like his father's.
Roy sits at her bedside, his hand cupping the back of Maes's head as he rests his own against Riza's shoulder. She hasn't seen him cry like this since the Promised Day.
Riza says everything she can to her son in barely a whisper—that she loves him, that he is valued and precious, and that he'll always be a part of her heart. Roy does the same, echoing her sentiments while pressing kisses to her sweaty forehead. They stay that way until Maes takes one last gulp of air, and finally lays unmoving in their arms.
The nurses take their lifeless son away after a little while, and Riza looses it completely. She sobs into Roy's shoulders, and he does all he can to comfort her while letting his own tears fall as well. Havoc drives them both home, and Riza cries into Roy's tight embrace until she passes out from exhaustion.
When Riza is finally able to sit up from the bed a days later, she finds Rebecca standing over her with a steaming cup of tea and a bowl of chicken soup.
"Eat." she says firmly, and helps Riza guide the spoon from the broth to her lips. She eats everything in front of her—numbly, obediently. When she is finished, her best friend embraces her tightly as Riza rests her head on Rebecca's shoulder.
"Where's Roy?" Riza finally croaks out, her voice swollen and sore.
"With Jean." Rebecca replies. "We had a miscarriage before we had Jace and Anna, remember? We figured…you may need some help right now."
Rebecca and Jean arrange for a small private funeral at the edge of Central City's cemetery. The coffin is so small that only one pallbearer is required to carry their son to his final resting place. Roy stands with his arm wrapped tight around Riza, and she leans into him to keep herself standing. There is a line of well-wishers at the end, just like at their wedding. But instead of words of joy and promises of hope, there are only murmurs of comfort and sympathy. Edward wraps her in such a tight hug that she is shocked out of her grief for just a moment.
"I'm so sorry, Hawkeye." he whispers. "I'm so, so sorry."
Riza closes her eyes and leans into his embrace. She feels his tears on top of her head as something broken inside her starts to move again. Ed pulls away with a soft smile before moving on to embrace her husband.
They are given a memory box from the hospital a few days later, and she and Roy go through the items that made up the entirety of their son's life—a lock of his black hair, the blanket he was wrapped in, tiny prints of his hands and feet. She places the box on the dresser of what would have been their son's room, and closes the door behind her on her way out.
Three weeks after Maes's death, Roy goes back to work. Amestris doesn't stop overnight just because of a personal tragedy. Riza joins him a month later, after an emptying of her uterus and a couple sessions of therapy with Rebecca's insistence.
Life seems to go on normally. Roy goes to endless amounts of meetings, Riza standing guard. He neglects his paperwork, and she chides him for it. They even join their team every once in a while for a drink or two.
But when Roy drives her home and they settle in bed, he takes her in his arms and holds her until her tears have run out. He rubs her back soothingly and makes her a strong cup of tea in the morning. On the weekends, they visit their son with a different bouquet of flowers every time.
And then there are times when they return home from work, exhausted from the day's activities. There are political activists to contend with, foreign policies to enforce, and military accusations to investigate. With no energy left for grieving, Riza shivers out of her uniform without any pretense and pleads Roy to make love to her. She usually cries with the memory of past, blissful intimacy, and he kisses the tears from her eyes.
Slowly, both of them start to recover. Roy goes to the therapy sessions with her, and they talk as openly as they can with each other. Eventually, Riza starts to smile again when Havoc makes a joke, or when Winry stops by with a pair of brand new earrings for her. Riza feels terribly guilty at first, but Roy assures her it is alright to enjoy the time they share in bed together.
And so, a year later, Riza isn't entirely shocked when she lays on the floor of the bathroom with a positive pregnancy test sprawled next to her. She still throws up the minute she decides to sit up.
She and Roy are ridiculously careful during the following weeks. Riza is under the constant care of a consultant whom they visit every week, and she is follows a strict plan of proper food and plenty of bedrest.
The nightmares start to begin, and they plague her thoughts during the day. Her nerves are frayed, overly anxious that anything she could do could affect the life of their child. She is so terrified and on edge that Roy finally starts dismissing her at noon every day.
Riza attends her twenty-week ultrasound with Roy by her side, rubbing comforting circles into her back the entire way there. The technician is a kind woman, making sure Riza is completely comfortable before preparing the screening test. Roy grips her hand tightly.
The technician searches the screen for the baby, and Riza sees her face fall when the transducer rolls over the still, white form on the screen. Riza hears a sudden ringing in her ears.
"I-I'm sorry." The technician tells them over and over again. "But there's no heartbeat."
Roy half walks, half carries Riza over to the stretcher that the nurses have brought for her, and she is rolled into a birthing room. She is given an epidural with some labor-inducing medications, and her contractions start to begin.
She'd rather be fighting any homunculi, or bleeding out on the floor with her throat sliced open. She'd rather be on the couch of her father's study as he punctures her with needles, permanently marking her back with the work that he loved more than he ever did her.
Apart from her time in Ishval, Riza rather she'd be suffering any amount of pain or torture—than to push through her labor and hear only deafening silence as her baby was released.
The doctors deliver the remains of their daughter as the sky darkens outside the hospital. They name her Emily Rose. She is only about six and a half inches long, barely over ten pounds. Riza does her best to cradle her baby in her arms once again, and Roy kneels beside her. They repeat the same ministrations they said to Maes, except now to a child completely still and gone.
Finally, Roy gently takes their departed daughter from her arms and hands her to the doctors for the funeral preparation. He is given a memory box of her in return.
A man with red hair and blue eyes enters the room, and Roy raises a hand in a half-hearted greeting to the familiar doctor. "Hi James,"
Dr. Kallen tips his head in greeting, and sits on a chair at the foot of Riza's bed. He takes a deep breath, then looks at her with a sort of painful anxiety.
"Mrs. Mustang…Riza…I've got some bad news."
Riza straightens up the best she can. There is still a buzzing in her lower abdomen, despite the epidermal. It makes it quite uncomfortable to sit up properly. She tries not grimace and stares straight ahead.
Dr. Kallen doesn't seem to be fooled by her little show of bravery, and decides to forge on.
"There is a very unlikely chance you will ever deliver a healthy child. And I'm afraid that any further attempts would put your life in jeopardy as well. With complications after conception, along with your increased age…it is now putting your life at risk to even try carrying a child naturally."
Riza does not cry at the words spoken—she has used every single one as Emily was taken away. She simply nods her head in acceptance. Riza supposes that she had known this all along, right at the point she had woken up in a blood-soaked bed.
Dr. Kallen is kind. He recommends to them certain surgeries that will prevent future accidents and pregnancies. He is careful to avoid the proper language such as "terminate" and "aborted embryo" to explain each of them to her. She hears them anyway through the different vocabulary, but she is grateful to the doctor for trying.
The funeral for Emily is much smaller than first—only Roy and Riza attend, where Roy uses his alchemy to create a final resting place for their daughter. Her tombstone lays next to her brother's, the two identical in shape and style.
She and Roy sit in the car afterwards, neither saying a word as Riza feels something hollow start to form inside of her. Instead of child growing healthily and happily, there is a sort of sickening ache that churns internally. It is both numbing and painfully intense at the same time.
"I'm going to get the surgery done next month," she finally states. Roy looks sideways at her, concern written on his face. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," she says with what little strength she can muster. "I refuse to bury another child."
He shifts in the seat next to her, and she feels him take her hand in his. Normally, she would enjoy the pins and needles that always came from such a gesture—but today, she feels nothing.
"Okay," he says as he finally breaks the silence. "I'll come with you, then. Just tell me the date—"
"No."
Roy stiffens, and she can tell he is at loss for the right words to say. "Riza, I…you don't have to go through this alone."
"I don't want you there." I don't want you to suffer more than you already have.
She knows she's putting him in the last position he wants to be—completely and utterly useless to help. But he has a country to run, and a promise to keep to the Ishvalans. She would not let herself stand in the way of that.
Roy lets out a tiny sigh besides her, as if he knows exactly what she's doing. He removes his hand from hers and picks up the keys to start the car.
They drive home in silence, the rain starting to come down in torrents. Riza stares out the window and tries not to think about how she left her two children alone in a thunderstorm.
"Just promise me you'll bring someone along," Roy starts again in a low voice. "At least a friend who can take you home."
Riza turns to look at him, exasperation creeping into her eyes. Roy catches the look, but doesn't back down.
"I can't lose you, too." He says with finality. "I won't survive that."
Riza is cleared to return to work a week after her surgery. She wakes up early every morning before Roy, and goes to take a shower. She catches sight of herself in the bathroom mirror as she undresses and feels the familiar numbness stare back at her. There is a long, curved scar about two inches below her belly-button, and tiny red threads that run along the length of her waistband to her midsection. Roy tells her that her stretch marks are beautiful, but she doesn't believe him when all they have to show for it is an empty house and two memory boxes atop a white dresser.
Rebecca helps where she can, but Riza doesn't wish to bother her too often. And as much as she hates the ugly feeling inside, she can't help but be a little envious as Rebecca smiles at the fussy infant in her arms, or yells at her two oldest to clean up the mess they just made.
Mai and Al come for a visit halfway through October, and Mai asks Riza if they'd like to hold their newborn son. Riza feels her voice catch in her throat.
"I…I can't." she replies, as she knows that holding a baby would only put her through the whole experience once again. To cradle an infant, cooing and crying—instead of still, silent, and cold.
She doesn't think she can bear it.
It's selfish, she knows. But she doesn't want to hold anyone else's baby. She just wants to hold hers.
She and Roy make another trip to the cemetery in November. The ground is hard with frost, but Riza insists upon digging the grave herself—without alchemy. She throws herself into the work, allowing only the headstone itself to be etched with Roy's alchemy. When she has finally finished, Roy lowers her faithful, loyal, and ever-constant companion into the ground. Perhaps it's silly to be burying a dog in a children's cemetery, but Riza wouldn't have it any other way.
"He'll watch over them," Roy assures her as they look over the three headstones in a line. He reaches to rub her shoulder, and Riza flinches. Roy retracts his hands back quickly, as though he has touched a hot stove.
"Riza…"
She turns away from him and heads back towards the car.
Riza knows she's not being fair to him, and he has already done so much for her. But she doesn't want Roy right now. She doesn't want to face him, the constant concern in his eyes bringing even more guilt as she realizes that she can never make him as happy as he could be. They barely touch each other now, an ever-constant wall now present in their bedroom. Riza can't even remember the last time they made love. The memories of being intimate and open with him only result in her own guilt and grief. Whether the moments were passionate and heated with Maes, or comforting and vulnerable with Emily—she couldn't handle either at the moment. Even a simple peck on the cheek brought nightmares of small lifeless fingers still clutching to her shirt.
Work is simple. They plow through what is right for Amestris, and it gives Riza something to occupy her mind. There is much to be done. She guards her husband's back as always, and gives him advice on what she can. At home, they keep their distance. She and Roy alternate making dinner, and they eat in silence. Roy then gives her the bed, and he goes to sleep on the couch in the hallway. Sometimes they switch at Riza's insistence.
One cold morning in December, Riza finds herself alone at the house as Roy has uncharacteristically gone into work early. Riza allows herself the tiniest of showers before settling down for a cup of tea when the doorbell rings.
A woman Riza barely recognizes stands in the doorway, her thick black dreads pulled into a ponytail behind her. Her eyes are intense, yet soften when they meet Riza's.
"Hello, Lady Mustang." she greets calmly. "I don't think we've been properly introduced. My name is Izumi Curtis. I was Ed and Al's alchemy teacher."
Riza remembers now. This was the woman who had fought with them during Promised Day, one of the five sacrifices who had guided her blind Colonel back into the waiting arms of his Lieutenant.
"Please, call me Riza." she says as she ushers the woman into the house. She sets a mug of jasmine tea before the woman, to which she accepts gratefully. Riza settles herself in the seat across from her, adding honey to her own cup.
"Well, don't you look terrible." she hears Izumi say, and Riza looks up with a start. Her tone was firm, but her eyes still retained her softness.
"I beg your pardon?"
Izumi offers her a small smile. "It's not exactly a secret that the First Lady has now suffered through two miscarriages before being declared unfit to carry children naturally. There's not much you can keep quiet when you're married to the Fuhrer of all Amestris."
Riza bows her head and stares into her tea. She has long since accepted the pitying looks from her coworkers. She's well-known enough that she can't even get through a grocery line without someone expressing their well-meaning (and sometimes careless) opinions towards her.
How unfortunate. The father of democracy ironically will never have children of his own.
Maybe it would be better if he took a mistress?
I've heard they barely even talk anymore.
Riza feels a hand rest over her own, and she looks up again at Izumi. All sense of reprimand is now gone from the woman's face.
"I know we don't know each other very well, Riza. But Ed called me up last week, and thought I could be of some assistance."
"You have lost a child, Mrs. Curtis?" Riza asks quietly.
Izumi gives her a dry smile. "My dead child is the reason Truth took my insides away."
Riza goes to lunch with Izumi every Tuesday and Thursday after that. She likes Izumi's bluntness and straight-forwardness, and her presence is a comfort to her as they walk through the snow together. Izumi shares her experience of attempted human transmutation, and how it felt to have her uterus stripped away from her entirely. Riza confides in Izumi the pain and guilt she feels every time she sees a parent with their children.
"It's equivalent exchange, isn't it?" she tells Izumi one day as they walk home from lunch in the cold. "That what you alchemists call it, yes? It's only right, only fair. To the woman who took so many children from their mothers in Ishval…what gives her the right to have any of her own?"
Izumi speaks with a rare tone of gentleness. "If I truly believed in the principle of equivalent exchange, I don't think I'd ever allow myself to leave my bed again out of pure hatred for myself."
Riza turns to look at her, surprised at the confession. "I think you're quite wonderful, Izumi. You've done so much for others. You've been there for Ed and Al when they needed it, and you were instrumental in helping us defeat the enemy during the Promised Day."
Izumi glances at her with a wry smile, a knowing look in her eye. "I could say the same about you, Ms. Riza. I have absolutely no doubt that our dear Fuhrer would be six feet underground right now if it weren't for you. I heard you and Mustang were at the forefront of the Ishvalan reconstruction, and you stood before a full court of Amestris to testify your guilt in the Civil War. You really think your life hasn't amounted to anything?"
Riza looks down and feels her cheeks burn, as they do when anyone gives her compliment. "I've lost the right to think otherwise. Nothing I do will ever atone for the lives I took. Perhaps this is just the price I must pay in consequence."
Izumi strays off the beaten path towards a small bridge that overlooks a frozen duck pond. Riza joins her at her side, and Izumi lets out a tired sigh.
"You soldiers are all so melodramatic. I suppose rightfully so, but honestly, you can't expect to live the rest of your life like this, do you?" Izumi glares at her with obsidian eyes—sharp and strong, yet fragile enough to shatter.
Riza doesn't respond, and Izumi goes on. "You call yourself a monster unworthy of any sort of happiness. All I see is a woman who has gone through unimaginable hardships, and is choosing to grieve by closing herself off from everyone around her. Especially her husband."
Riza's heart gives a slight twinge of guilt at the mention of Roy. Did she even say goodbye as he left for work this morning?
"I…it hurts to be with him, Izumi." she admits, and she feels her eyes sting.
Izumi places a hand on her shoulder. "I know, Riza. I know. Sig and I were the same way for a little while. I can't remember how many times I told him to leave me for someone else, so he could have the life he deserved. But he fought back, saying that the only life he ever wanted was with me."
Izumi shaded her eyes as the cold winter sun broke through the mass of clouds above. Riza did the same, appreciating the way the light made the snow sparkle around them.
"He's grieving too, Riza." Izumi says after a while. "He won't show it in the same way, but he's hurting. He's going out of his mind with worry, but doesn't know how to comfort you right now. He probably feels even more guilty considering the fact that you both waited and held back so he could become the Fuhrer first."
(Riza raises her eyebrow at Izumi. She simply shrugs. "Ed talks a lot.")
"It's okay to grieve." Izumi says with a choke. "But you can't let yourself stay there."
And for the first time in six months, Riza allows herself to cry. The tears come quite suddenly, but silently. The empty edges in her stomach start to smooth ever so slightly.
"I just miss them…" she chokes out. "All of them."
The older woman bridges the gap between them and wraps Riza in her arms.
"I know," she whispers quietly. "I do, too."
It still takes quite a while for Riza to hold a baby again. She avoids the hospital as much as possible, and their baby's room down the hall still remains as closed as ever. But she allows Ed and Winry's little girl to take her by the hand to play with them, and she gives Rebecca's daughter a kiss whenever they come to visit.
She and Roy start to talk again. It is awkward, at first, little snippets here and there. It reminds her of how they used to skirt around each other during Roy's apprenticeship. But they speak a little more every day, and it is nice to hear his voice more often. Every night, she places her hand around the crook of his arm, and they stroll down along the familiar path where they used to walk Hayate. Sometimes as they sit on the park bench overlooking the city, she leans her head against his shoulder.
It is still difficult to be with him, but it also becomes a source of comfort after a while. Riza remembers that she isn't the only one who has two little children buried next to each other. She remembers that not only does he carry the burden of a lost child, but also the guilt that he couldn't do anything to save them. Even as the most powerful man in Amestris, he could no more than stay by his wife's side as she lost everything they had ever dreamed of.
Eventually, she asks him to join her as they sleep. At first, she allows herself to simply be held by him, his fingers threading through her hair. They talk long into the night—sometimes about their pain, and sometimes about anything other than the pain. And sometimes they don't say anything at all, and Riza feels herself feel safe and warm once again. Roy brings her flowers every Friday, and she kisses him gently on the cheek before falling asleep by his side.
Winter passes into spring, and the summer heat brings fresh flowers into their garden. The constant sun starts to feel warmer each day. On the third Sunday of June, Riza enters their bedroom with the black lace she had worn on their wedding night. Roy opens his mouth in surprise, his eyes swimming with a sort of desire that's still edged with grief.
"Riza, are you sure? We don't have to—"
But she's already burying her face into his shoulder. She feels her tears soak through the thin fabric on his shirt.
"I want to." she assures him. "I want to feel loved with you again."
He stiffens against her, and then she feels him relax. His chest starts to rise and fall in a quicker rhythm.
"Alright." He allows her to unbutton his shirt, and he gently tips her chin to meet his lips. His fingers caress her jaw and neck, then move to carry her towards the bed. He waits for her response with every touch, and Riza lets out tears of relief when he expresses how much he loves her in every way possible.
They fall asleep in each other's arms, and every night after that.
The following May comes with an early spring. Riza enjoys seeing the wild daffodils blooming on the side of the road during her morning runs. She picks some for both Maes and Emily, and sets the rest in a large vase on their kitchen table.
Roy is re-elected as the Fuhrer for another five years, and he announces that this will be his last in order to hand the reins to the first-ever elected President and Senate of the country. He and Riza work well into the night at times, drafting and redrafting the new Constitution of Amestris.
Riza takes the second Sunday of the month to travel down to her hometown. She visits her mother's grave like always, and asks her to take care of Nina, Maes, and Emily.
She returns around six in the evening, only to find the door of their home slightly ajar. Immediately, Riza reaches for her gun and clicks off the safety.
"Roy?" she calls cautiously into the dark hallway. "Are you there?"
She slides into the dark kitchen, and suddenly the lights blaze on as she greeted with a chorus of "Surprise!"
Riza jumps back and nearly shoots her gun in response, taken aback by the number of people that had now invaded her home. Ed and Al are beaming at her, along with Winry and Mai and their small army of children. Gracia holds a giant cake while Elicia holds back Rebecca's children from licking off the frosting. She sees Emperor Ling with Lan near the back, as well as their entire unit crowding the kitchen table. Riza is even surprised to see Izumi again with her husband, as well as Alex Armstrong and Scar in a tow.
"I told you a surprise wasn't a good idea," she heard Roy call over the chaos of laughter in the room. "You're lucky she didn't shoot you all on sight."
"Roy?" Riza puts the gun back into her holster and goes to stand by his side. "What is this?"
"Well, I uh, it was mostly Rebecca's idea—"
"Oh let me handle this, Mustang." Rebecca sighs with exasperation and hands her daughter to Jean. Riza blinks in shock when Rebecca grabs her best friend by the shoulders and hugs her tightly.
"Happy Mother's Day, Riza."
Riza feels her mouth go dry as Rebecca pulls back. "Mother's Day? But I'm not a—"
"You sure you want to finish that sentence, Colonel Hawkeye?" Ed yells from across the room. "Because you'd be dead wrong."
Riza looks at everyone stuffed into the room, their smiles bright and caring. She feels tears well up in her eyes as Roy comes up behind her and presses a kiss to the top of her head.
"You all did this…for me?" she can barely hold back the sob bubbling in her chest.
Al smiles at her. "As far as anyone here is concerned, Riza, you've been watching over us since day one. There's not a single person present that you haven't impacted and touched in some way."
"Yeah, especially the Fuhrer." Jean mutters to Breda with a smirk. Rebecca smacks him.
Riza can't remember the last time she's smiled so much. She is greeted with hugs from every person there (she almost suffocates when Alex lifts her up), and she is given dozens of cards expressing their gratitude towards her. She spends the rest of the night surrounded by her friends, eating cake and laughing at old memories.
Rebecca's youngest daughter crawls up to her at one point and reaches out with outstretched arms. Riza smiles, and places the child on her lap.
The party goes well into the night, and eventually Roy has to herd their guests towards the front door.
"Alright people, move along. We've got work first thing in the morning, and you better not be late, Havoc!"
Riza laughs as Ed and Roy exchange a few heated words at the door, as the younger one gives the Fuhrer quite a rude gesture before sauntering out with Winry.
Riza tiptoes her way to her husband and wraps her arms around him tightly.
"Thank you," she breathes into her neck. "This means so much to me."
Roy smiles down at her and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.
"Now hold Colonel, not quite yet. I still haven't given you my present."
Riza picks up on the banter and cocks an eyebrow. "Oh? What did you get me, Sir? Another one of your famous burnt breakfasts, perhaps? A completed stack of paperwork?"
Roy rolls his eyes and sighs. "Such insubordination, Hawkeye. What am I going to do with you?"
"Well maybe if you weren't so useless—"
"That's no way to get a promotion." He growls into her hair, teasing with the hem of her shirt.
"Isn't that how you got yours?"
Roy gives her such an exasperated look that she giggles lightly, which does nothing to help her husband's composure.
"That's it, Hawkeye. You're coming with me." He lifts her by the waist and throws her over his shoulder, making his way to the bedroom.
"Roy, put me down!" she gasps between fits of laughter.
"You're in no position to be giving me orders, Hawkeye." He calls up in response, and Riza feels the blush creep onto her cheeks. He playfully tosses her onto the bed, and she barely has time to undo the buttons on his shirt before he gently pins down her arms and grazes at her neck.
"I love you," Riza breathes out, breaking the act. Roy pulls back with a smile and gives her a gentle kiss.
"I love you too, my Queen." he murmurs as he nips at her ear. "Now let me show you how much you mean to me."
Riza lays in his arms afterwards, exhausted yet content. Roy runs his fingers along her spine, planting kisses at the nape of her neck.
"Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy my gift," Riza says, smiling as Roy's kisses reach her jaw.
"You flatter me, but that wasn't my present."
Riza looks back in confusion, and Roy sits up and hands her a manila envelope from his nightstand. "I meant to give this to you earlier, but someone distracted me."
Riza sticks out her tongue at him before opening the package.
"What are these for?"
"Adoption papers." Roy says, a little sheepishly.
Riza looks up at him, her mouth agape. "Are…are you serious?"
Roy does a double take of her and immediately starts to ramble. "I think we both needed some time, but I thought…and you don't have to, of course! If it's just you and me, then I'll be the happiest man alive. I just, I know how much you wanted them, and so do I, but only if you wanted to—"
Riza leans forward and effectively shuts him up with a kiss. When they break away, she can feel her eyes welling with tears once again.
This was something she had considered, an option she and Roy had discussed if for some reason they weren't able to conceive. But after everything they had gone through since their wedding day, she supposed that the idea had slipped away quietly into the folds of her grief.
Riza looks up at him and beams.
"I-yes! Yes Roy, yes!" The unspilled tears start to fall, and he bends down to kiss her again.
"There's an orphanage down in Central that we could look at. Chris also connected me with a few trustworthy agencies that deal with infant adoptions as well. I know it's a different process, and there's a lot to consider, but…"
He trails off, and chuckles at her still smiling face. He takes her in his arms and she leans against him in content.
"We'll love them as our own, no matter how long it takes or how hard it gets." He declares quietly. "Because that's what mothers do."
The next morning, Riza unlocks the unused bedroom down the hall. She carefully takes the two white boxes off of the dresser and holds them close.
"I love you," she whispers. "I can't wait for you to meet your new siblings someday."
She places them in the memorial box full of old photographs and her mother's jewelry, and carries it out into the hallway.
The door remains open.
This piece was...hard to write. I honestly had to take a couple breaks in-between. Thank you for everyone who read this all the way through. This started out as a 1K idea and it turned into an 8K piece...oops.
As something to add on, I hope I made it clear that life isn't defined by whether you have a child or not. It's perfectly alright not to want them, and I think there are some wonderful characterizations of Riza where she doesn't want to have children. Adoption can also be whole other conversation, and it isn't for everyone. My hope is that all of my readers can feel validated and respected in their choices throughout the piece.
Riza is such a wonderful character-she's strong and independent, but she's also gentle, kind, and caring. I wanted to respect her as a woman and a mother, even if not in the traditional sense. There have been so many people in my life who have fulfilled that role, and they define who I am today because of it.
Finally, I wish to dedicate this to all who have lost a child or a mother, or for some reason cannot have a child, as it is a lonely and painful experience to go through. And though life will never be the same after, healing and light is always waiting for us when we're ready.
Happy Mother's Day (two days late :D)
I'm on tumblr nightofnyx8 for everything and anything :)