Any agent of the BAU wouldn't hesitate to admit that sometimes being around Reid could be somewhat stressful, and, though they would never admit it, annoying, especially when he became rambling about topics that didn't seem to matter to the case or even relevant to the conversation at hand. Being that they considered one another family, they would never outright tell him that, the only thing they could do that wouldn't upset Reid was gently remind him that it wasn't the time to talk about whatever he was rambling on about, thankfully he could more or less pick up on the hints only after being subtly talked to so he didn't get offended. They were sure that in any family sibling situation the youngest sibling was always considered the most 'annoying' yet everyone still loved and wanted to protect them anyway, so that fact didn't change with Reid. Compare from when Reid first started with the BAU to present day anyone could tell how much he's come out of his shell, it used to be the fact that he wouldn't talk unless he was spoken to or asked a question and never made eye contact with anybody, that was thanks to Gideon. He never missed a chance to give him advice or praising him on things that he knew were difficult for Reid.
Even though he could sometimes talk too much, the team couldn't help but miss Reid. It's been three days since he came into work, and nobody could get a hold of him, if anyone tried calling him the phone would ring a couple of times before it hung up, meaning that Reid saw them calling but didn't want to talk. That was too farfetched, Reid wasn't the type of person who liked talking on the phone if it was for anything besides work-related, hence the reason he wrote to his mother daily and not call her. The team had a right to be worried, Reid never called in or purposely missed work, but they figured with everything he went through with Tobias and being kidnapped Gideon and Hotch didn't blame him for taking some time off, but they just wished he would talk to them about it first. Morgan had to refrain from questioning Reid about why he was acting so weird, Hotch told him that Reid would come around to talk to them about it when he was ready. Why didn't the kid get that talking about it right off the bat would be the easiest solution? Or that's how Morgan thought about it, anyway.
The team was called into the conference room, sitting around the large round table but not as chatty as it usually was. The unnerving silence that hasn't been filled by Reid's out loud thoughts and ramblings was almost heartbreaking. Gideon walked into the room, holding a handful of case files to give to his team to get them caught up with the situation. He paused as he caught himself putting one of the copies in front of the empty space that had always been dubbed as 'Reid's chair.' He stared at it for a moment before clearing his throat, moving to the front of the room next to the whiteboard.
"I miss him," JJ breathed out, leaning against her hand that was propped up on the table with her elbow, staring at the empty chair across from her. She looked up at Hotch and Gideon. "He didn't quit, right?"
"No, no of course not," Gideon answered almost too quickly. Even though he said it with confidence, it wasn't enough to satisfy the itching paranoia in the back of his mind. Whether or not the kid needed a break, he just wished Reid would have called one of them to explain what was going on, if he kept on this way he would get terminated for no-shows. "He's been through a lot, he just needs some time," he continued to give his team the much-needed reassurance.
"He won't answer any of our calls," Morgan added, looking up sadly.
Gideon nodded for a moment, staring off into space at thinking about all the missed calls to Reid's number were in his call log. "Well… the kid isn't exactly a social butterfly."
"No… but he always answers. Even just to tell us he's okay."
Gideon cleared his throat again, wanting to change the subject before it got even more emotional in the already tense conference room. They needed to have their minds clear and focused so they could work on the case fully. They've been called in to help an investigation where the unsub has been going on a specific murder spree only to take the left ring finger as a trophy on each of their victims.
"It's my fault…" JJ said again, still staring straight ahead, upset that Reid wasn't there spinning in the chair to help keep him focused on his thought process. "We shouldn't have split up."
"We're not going through this again," Hotch intervened. How many times did he have to go back and forth with her on this topic? He knew that she the right to feel upset, but even Reid told her that it wasn't her fault, and he wasn't shifting the blame onto her, none of that felt like it was enough to convince her that it was the truth. "It was not your fault, JJ."
"Then why isn't he here?!" She demanded, slamming her open palm on the wooden table. "Why has he been avoiding coming into work?"
Hotch held his hands up slightly. "Hey… he's been through a lot, okay? We only saw the tapes, there's probably more to what happened to him. You know how Reid is, he…" he paused, trying to think of the correct word to use. "He processes things in his own way. I guarantee you that's exactly what he's doing."
"He won't answer our calls!" Tears were in JJ's eyes now, trying to subtly wipe them away without anyone noticing, but the crack in her voice was enough to give her emotions away.
"JJ-" Before Gideon could offer her any words of reassurance, she quickly stood up from her spot, her chair almost knocked backward as she stormed out of the conference room to get some fresh air.
The air in the conference room was thick now, enough to choke on it if it was physically possible. Morgan and Garcia glanced at each other before looking back up to Hotch and Gideon who seemed to be having a silent conversation about how to proceed.
"I miss him too…" Garcia said in an unusually quiet tone. She stood up, quietly leaving the room to find JJ to make sure she was doing okay.
Hotch let out a defeated sigh, burying his face in his hands after taking a seat at the table. He didn't like seeing the team this way, he didn't like that they were blaming themselves for what happened to Reid as if they handed him over to the unsub personally. He would be a liar if he said that he didn't have this gnawing guilt eating away at his brain too, even though he knew that Reid calling him a narcissistic was a part of the plan to make his location known, he couldn't help but replay the words in his mind every day. Why couldn't he have been there with them that night? Why couldn't they have figured out who the unsub was sooner? It wasn't fair that Reid was only in his early twenties and already been through so much since joining the team.
"I'm going to go visit him," Hotch announced, standing up while readjusting his suit jacket.
"What?" Gideon questioned, raising an eyebrow. "We have a case to work on, I'm sure Reid's fine." As much as Gideon wanted to believe those words he couldn't, it wasn't as though he didn't think of dropping everything to go to Reid's apartment to check on him.
"I have to. For the team's sake."
"I'm coming too," Morgan piped up.
"Not necessary, you have to stay and help with the case," Hotch told him, quickly noting the disappointed expression Morgan now had. He turned to Gideon who was still watching him closely. "Will you be fine without me?"
"For now," was all Gideon said. "Keep me updated."
Leaving with only a nod, Hotch pulled his car keys out of his suit pocket before making his way out of the conference room. He only walked ten steps before coming across Garcia sitting with JJ at her desk trying to comfort her as she silently cried with her hands hiding her face.
"Hey," Hotch told them, causing both of the girls to look up at him, "I'm going to check on him. Gideon needs you both to be strong, okay?"
"Can you tell him I'm sorry?" JJ almost whispered, wiping her tears away carefully as not to smudge her makeup. "For not protecting him?"
Hotch put a hand on her shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I'm sure he knows."
He dropped his arm, turning around to head out so he could drive over to Reid's apartment. This wouldn't be the first time Hotch drove over to his place, not long after he began getting nightmares about working Reid would call him practically once a night to talk about them. Since Hotch has been in the profiler game long enough, he knew exactly what to say and do to calm him down to get some sleep, even if that meant he had to drive out in the middle of the night to give him reassurance. Hotch would be a liar if he said he didn't think of Reid as his own flesh and blood.
The drive through traffic in the pouring rain was enough to keep Hotch on edge, already feeling like something was off about what he was doing. He was hoping like hell that Reid was okay and he didn't do anything stupid, he could only picture the kid laying across the couch in his pyjamas listening to the news as background noise while reading a book he's probably read over a hundred times.
He hoped.
Twenty minutes later Hotch made it to the apartment building, he didn't waste any time getting out of his car, running inside to avoid getting soaked from the rain that has yet to ease up. He knew exactly where to go; second-floor room number twenty-three. Whenever Hotch first came to visit Reid in the middle of the night he used to get strange looks from the people who lived there, obviously not used to seeing him around the place, but it happened so often that they recognized him and knew he wasn't going to start any trouble. Pesky noisy neighbors were never easy or fun to deal with.
"Reid?" Hotch called through the metal front door, pounding against its cool surface with his fist waiting for a response. He didn't expect him to answer the door right away, Reid was always cautious at who was at the door, even if it was the voice of somebody he knew personally. "Reid, are you home?" He paused for a second to listen in on the other side, practically pressing his ear against the door. From the other side, he could hear what sounded like frantically shuffling around. "Spencer?" He called a bit louder to let him know he was serious about checking in on him.
No response.
There were a couple of reasonable explanations for why he wasn't answering the door, that didn't stop Hotch from going to the worst-case scenario. He took a deep breath, clearing his mind so he could figure this out logically. Reid wore headphones whenever the noise around the apartment units was too much for him, so that could be a reason. Maybe he's waking up from a nap, something simple like that.
"Spencer, open the door," Hotch practically ordered with such authority that most people would be afraid of what would happen if they didn't follow his orders.
Still no response, but there was more shuffling from the other side followed by something falling off a table. Hotch reached towards the doorknob, it would be a long shot, but maybe he accidentally left the door unlocked.
"Spence-" He stopped speaking when the doorknob turned, huh… the kid actually did leave the door unlocked. If he had to guess Spencer was in a hurry to get into his apartment that he didn't think about locking the door behind him. "Spencer, it's Hotch. I'm coming in."
Nothing would have prepared Hotch for the state of Reid's apartment. What was once clean and neat had papers and knickknacks scattered across the floor, nothing was in its correct place, if this was a victim's place Hotch would've assumed there was a struggle of some sort. From where he was standing, Hotch didn't see Reid or any sign of anybody else in the apartment. One of the worst-case scenarios was running through Hotch's mind that somebody broke in and harmed him.
"Reid…" Hotch called out cautiously, closing and locking the door behind him just in case Reid was here alone but having some sort of meltdown. He didn't want to risk him bolting. "Where are you?"
His ears perked up when he heard something coming from the closed door across the room from the front door, the room that Hotch knew was his bedroom. Hotch didn't move for a moment, hoping the kid would come out on his own and he didn't have to go find him himself.
"Let's talk, Reid."
There was more shuffling from behind the bedroom door before it was practically kicked in, the handle bounced off the wall. Standing in the doorway was the youngest agent, a wild look in his glazed-over eyes as if he was holding back tears or was forcing back a meltdown. His hair was stuck up in all different directions, his button-up shirt that was usually tucked in nice and neat now wasn't and not buttoned up properly. Hotch couldn't help but note the pink lines that started from above his eyebrows and ran their way down his face to his collarbones. He's been scratching at himself out of frustration.
"Hey, Spencer," Hotch greeted gently, prying his eyes away from the long scratch marks. "How are you feeling?" Spencer didn't say anything, only shifting his eyes so he wasn't looking at Hotch anymore. "You haven't come into work in a couple of days."
"Three days…" Spencer corrected in a whisper, staring at the floor, his eyes tracking something that Hotch couldn't see for himself. "It's been three days."
"Yes. You haven't called us, Reid." Spencer's eyes snapped back up to Hotch again at the sound of his name. "We don't mind you taking time off after all you've been through, but you have to keep in touch with us so we know what's going on."
"Sorry." He tried moving past Hotch to get to the front door so he could leave the apartment, he would rather remove himself from his own home than tell Hotch to leave. His mind was playing tricks on him, making him think that he was in pain even though there was no physical pain there, it was his brain telling him it was time for another hit of Dilaudid, but there lies the problem.
Hotch reached out, forcefully grabbing Reid's upper arm causing him to let out a small squeak that Hotch barely heard, he couldn't let him leave in the state of mind he was in.
"Where are you going?" He questioned.
Reid stared at the floor, not sure how to respond. There was no way he was going to tell Hotch what's been going on, they knew about the torture he went through while kidnapped by Tobias, but they weren't aware of the injections that he gave him for the pain. Being someone who didn't take too many medications to begin with, mixing that with overmedicating him it was no surprise that Reid got addicted to the drug. That's exactly why he's been avoiding going to work, he couldn't let on that something was wrong with him.
"Please let me go," Reid whispered in a shaky voice.
"I can't do that. You need to stay here, we need to talk."
Reid shook his head, scratching at his inner right arm. "I don't think I'm good to talk right now."
"Why not?"
"I just…" Reid shrugged Hotch's hand off him. "I haven't been feeling well."
"Look at me, Spencer." He shook his head again, turning around so he could sit on the couch. It wasn't long before he went into a withdrawal state, something he didn't want Hotch to be present for. "What's bothering you?"
"I want you to go."
Hotch let out a defeated sigh, sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of Reid's spot on the couch, folding his arms over his chest. It wouldn't be long until he began to try to profile Reid. "I can't leave you alone, you know that. I'm worried about you, kid."
Reid's face twitched, either out of frustration or him trying to suppress a meltdown. "Don't be, I'm fine. I think the team needs you more than I do."
"They can survive. I can't in all good conscience leave you by yourself."
"I appreciate it, but I'll be fine."
The lack of eye contact and the way Reid kept balling up and releasing his hands made Hotch think otherwise. He'd give it a couple of minutes before he gave in to his meltdown, Hotch for sure couldn't leave him when that happened as of late, he's been getting slightly more self-destructive. A ball of frustration was growing in the center of Reid's chest, why couldn't he leave him alone? Why did the team keep calling him when he didn't answer? Obviously, he didn't want to talk to anybody, he was trying to kick this himself and didn't want any help or anyone to know. The lone wolf scenario wasn't working so well, and he knew it, he's told many people that it's okay to ask for help, so why couldn't he do the same thing? His entire life he felt weak and didn't want to prove everyone's point that he, in fact, was.
"Go," Reid practically growled, a tone that Hotch never heard come from the young agent so it took him aback trying to process if he actually heard him say that or not. "Just go!" He grabbed a large hardcover book that was sitting next to him on the couch, throwing it as hard as he could towards Hotch who managed to hold his arms up to block it before it hit him in the face.
"Calm down."
Reid let out a frustrated groan, pressing the base of his palms into his eyes as hard as he could without hurting himself to make sure the tears didn't fall, digging his semi-long fingernails into his scalp. These types of meltdowns were best to be handled by Gideon, one talk from him was enough to ground Reid enough to clear his mind a moment so he was able to listen and to be talked down. Gideon wasn't here, Hotch had to tread this carefully.
"Why won't you leave?!" He demanded.
"Because I care about you, and I'm worried about you. Talk to me."
One of Reid's hands fell towards his chest, digging his fingernails as deep as he possibly could over his collar bone, pulling at the skin to release the frustration that was building up the best way he knew how. Hotch flinched when he saw trickles of blood bubbling up underneath his fingernails. He knew he shouldn't have done what he did next, but panic washed over him when he reached over trying to pull his hand away from hurting himself any further.
"Don't touch me." As quiet as Reid said that caused a shiver to go down Hotch's spine, he was expecting it to come out as another scream. His eyes began darting around the room. "I need it."
"You don't need to hurt yourself."
"Not that." Reid snatched his hand away from Hotch, standing up quickly.
Hotch didn't move from his spot on the edge of the coffee table, keeping a careful eye to make sure Reid didn't try to make a run for it. Instead, he watched as Reid was furiously looking through the papers and books scattered across the floor, Hotch still wasn't sure what he was looking for. The young agent's chest was rising and falling heavily and quickly as it was obvious he couldn't find what he was searching for. As frantic as he was looking gave off red flags in Hotch's mind.
"Can I help you look?"
Reid paused as if he forgot at the moment that Hotch was still in his apartment. He only shook his head, going back at it.
"What are you looking for?"
"Nothing I…" He fell to his knees on the floor, scrambling around to get a closer look, maybe he missed a spot. "I can't find it!" He shouted. "I need it." He wrapped his arms around his thin torso, rocking back and forth on his knees suppressing a sob of frustration.
"Okay… okay…" Hotch moved to sit on the floor in front of him, watching his face even though Reid was doing his best to hide so his higher up couldn't see how pitiful he looked. "Let me help." Reid shook his head again. "Can you tell me what it looks like?"
As hard as Reid was trying to hide his drug addiction, the sensible part of his brain was no longer in service. He wasn't going to outright tell him what it was, but maybe he could tell him what it looked like and he wouldn't question it.
"It's…" Without looking up, Reid held his thumb and index about an inch from each other to show the approximate size. No, that was a terrible idea. He shook his head once more to tell Hotch never mind.
"You can tell me."
He shook his head.
Hotch let out a sigh, looking to the couch next to him. From the position and height he was at, the light shined on something that was halfway sticking out from underneath the couch. Curious, Hotch grabbed it to examine it closely.
In his hand, he now held a glass vial around the size Reid described to him just moments ago. Hotch rolled it around in the palm of his hand to see what was printed on the label.
Dilaudid.
"What is this." It wasn't a question, he sounded angry now and Reid quickly picked up on it. Lifting his head up to see what Hotch was talking about, his dark eyes went wide seeing that he found what he's been looking for. His eyes flickered from the vial to Hotch's serious expression. "Spencer."
"You found it…" He practically whimpered, slowly holding out a shaky hand. "Give it to me. Please."
"No."
Reid reached forward to try to snatch the drugs away from him, but Hotch was quick and moved it out of reach before he could grab it. The wild look in Reid's eyes was growing, the only thing standing between him and his next hit was Hotch, in the state of mind he was in he wasn't going to let that stop him from taking it.
"I can take you to talk to someone."
Reid violently shook his head, his eyes shut tight as he didn't want to hear about how he needed help. He knew that, of course he knew that, he worked for the FBI if they found out that he was hooked on drugs he would be terminated even though it wasn't his fault.
It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
"Reid, talk to me then."
From almost out of nowhere, Reid moves quickly from his spot on the floor, lunges forwards towards Hotch in an attempt to snatch the drugs away from him. His plan was simple yet there was no way it would ever work out; he was going to take the vial from him then lock himself in the bathroom so he could get one more hit to take the self-inflicted pain away.
Hotch was quicker than that while also pieced the plan three steps ahead of Reid, knowing that he would attempt that, he dropped the vial over his own shoulder, so it was out of reach. Once Reid was in his arm's length, Hotch grabbed him despite the fact he knew Reid hated being touched. Tuning out the frustrated scream that came from the back of Reid's throat, Hotch turned him around, wrapping his arms tightly around Spencer's arms so he couldn't break out of the restraint.
"Calm down," Hotch instructed him carefully and cautiously. He was trying to keep his emotions under check even though on the inside his heart was breaking in two at how much Reid was struggling against both his own mind and against Hotch's efforts to help him. The fight or flight was too great for Reid to decipher what was right or wrong.
Reid began kicking his heels repeatedly into the carpeted floor all while struggling and screaming out at first to be let go but quickly turned into incoherent screams that only hurt Hotch even more. It's been a long time since Hotch had to restrain someone who fought so hard to be let go, he's never seen Reid lash out like this before. If he could take all the pain away from the young agent he would in a heartbeat no matter what it took.
The only outcome from this was that Reid was tiring himself out, Hotch didn't move at all since he restrained him. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that he wasn't going to be able to break out of the restraints this way so he was going to have to change direction.
"Let me go," Reid sobbed out, bowing his head forward as he began rocking back and forth still in Hotch's arms. Hotch took that as him trying to self-soothe, figuring it was a good sign so with that he loosened the restraint a bit, not confident enough to release him.
"Relax." He paused, trying to understand where Reid was at based on his structure, he was still tense but calming down little by little. "Once you're calm I will let you go," he said carefully, "okay?" That earned a small nod from Reid followed by some sniffling. "I hate to see you struggling like this, Spencer."
"I'm… I'm…" Reid was interrupted by a short series of hiccups, "bad."
"You're not bad."
"Bad… bad… bad…" he repeated over and over, the rocking motion becoming more intense.
In a split-second decision, Reid stopped moving with his body leaned forward over Hotch's arms. Taking a deep breath, Reid jerked his head and body backward trying to catch Hotch off guard while also trying to slam the back of his head into Hotch's face to stun him. While the attempt did upset him, Hotch thought quickly, bringing his knees up to Reid's side to lock him in as he brought up his right hand to grab the back of Reid's head to break the attack, tangling his fingers through the kid's brown curly hair. The way Hotch held Reid's head forward made it impossible for him to move, the confined space was beginning to upset him even more than the withdrawal.
The screams and growls that once filled the room were replaced with a continuous sob, his shoulders dropping from both exhaustion and shame. He didn't want to do this anymore.
"Hotch…" Reid whimpered, trying to rotate his arms so he could touch the single arm that was still wrapped around his front.
"It's okay… it's alright. I'm right here with you."
The burning sensation in both his lungs and his throat only made what Reid was feeling worse, why couldn't he feel okay? He wanted to feel normal, he didn't want to be hooked on drugs anymore, he didn't want to be restrained, and he certainly didn't want Hotch to see him in a different light because of this. Reassurance. Reassurance was exactly what Reid needed right now, thankfully Hotch was way ahead of him.
"I'm going to let you go now, okay?" Even though he said that he only loosened his grip bit by bit to test to make sure Reid wasn't going to explode in his fit again. Reid didn't move a muscle, although he was beginning to lower his shoulders once more in an attempt to relax as he was once instructed. "You're doing great."
Hotch released him completely, quickly snatching up the vial that still sat behind him on the floor, shoving it into his pocket. He stood up, moving around the coffee table until he was standing in front of Reid who didn't move from his spot on the floor, his eyes locked on the carpet going over what just happened. More than anything he wanted to shield out the world and never leave his apartment again, what would happen if this happened out in public?
Reid was rocking gently back and forth with his knees pressed against his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs to bring them in closer. The gentle pattern of the rocking told Hotch that was calming himself down, the worse part of his meltdown was beginning to pass which was a good sign as to get to the bottom of this.
Lost in his thoughts, Reid wasn't aware that Hotch told him that he was going to get him some water from the kitchen. He was staring straight ahead, zone out while lost in his jumbled thoughts, he knew why he acted out the way he did, but why did he do so against Hotch? He knew Hotch wouldn't have shamed him for finding the drugs, maybe it was the fact that Reid finally had to open up what else happened while in Tobias' cabin.
"Here you go, Spencer," Hotch told him gently, holding out the cup to him.
Reid looked at the cup then up to Hotch, quietly thanking him before taking it with a shaky hand. He took one long sip of the cool water before the cup was empty, sitting it on the coffee table to his right.
"I'm sorry, Hotch…" Reid whispered, yet it was loud enough for him to hear it.
"It's alright." Hotch kept his distance, taking a seat back on the coffee table. He had to be careful now, there was a strong possibility that another meltdown would follow. Given how exhausted from how hard Reid fought if there was another one it wouldn't be as aggressive as the first one. "That was what you were looking for, wasn't it?"
Reid nodded. "But it's not what it looks like."
Hotch couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. What was that supposed to mean?
"Explain?"
Letting out a nervous sigh, Reid tried pulling himself up from the uncomfortable floor, his legs were shaking so he needed to use both the coffee table and the edge of the couch to help pull him up. As soon as he was up he plopped down on the couch, looking exhausted and defeated, the dark circles underneath his eyes seemed to be almost darker somehow.
"Something else happened, didn't it?"
"Yeah…" He began picking and peeling at the skin around his bloody fingernails as a way to keep himself distracted while he talked. "Whenever… he hurt me…" Reid flinched at the wave of thoughts that rushed through his mind, each of which was some form of torture that Tobias put him through. "He… would…" he paused.
"It's alright, take your time."
Reid closed his eyes for only a moment, the second a visual of the first time Tobias gave him Dilaudid he shot them back open, glancing frantically around the room to make sure he was actually in his apartment.
"Hotch?" He called out, not sure if he was real.
"I'm right here, I didn't leave. Do you want me to sit next to you?" Reid nodded, so Hotch slowly moved to sit on the opposite end of the couch, making sure to leave enough space between them so Reid didn't feel trapped. "I'm listening."
"It hurt."
"I'm sure it did. You were very brave."
"Anytime it hurt he would…" he drifted off midsentence again, he couldn't bear to admit it out loud. He felt Hotch's eyes on him waiting for him to say it. Instead, Reid rolled up his right sleeve past his elbow to reveal a couple of fading track marks while two newer ones.
"He drugged you?"
"It was his way of helping… I…told him I didn't want it." Silent tears rolled down his face. "He wouldn't listen to me."
Hotch's heart broke into a million pieces, not once did he think of Reid as a user, but that made his behavior the last time he went to work make sense. He was irritable, he disappeared often, and overall, just acted like a different person.
"Why didn't you tell us? We wouldn't have been upset with you."
"Because I went back." Reid pressed his face against the back cushion of the couch to avoid looking at Hotch. "After he… after I killed him… I took the drugs he had in his pocket."
"To be fair, he kept medicating you when it wasn't needed. Please do not blame yourself, kid, it's not your fault." Hotch glanced at the wounds on his arm that were still exposed, they are still considered wounds and should be patched up as such. "Have a first aid kit?"
"Under the sink in the bathroom."
"I'll be right back."
He left Reid alone in the living room, trusting him enough that he wouldn't run off after everything that happened. Truth be told, Reid was too exhausted to run off anywhere, in fact, while waiting for Hotch to come back his eyes kept drooping shut, he had to force himself to wake himself up. In the bathroom, Hotch dug through the mess that was under the sink, he found the first aid kit, but he didn't leave right away. He needed to take a moment to compose himself before going back out there, even with everything he's seen out in the field seeing Reid being so broken hurt. Reid never wanted this, it was forced on him and now he had to deal with the aftermath, Hotch vowed that he wouldn't allow Reid to go through this alone. He was going to have to tell Gideon, that much was for sure, but if they could help it nobody else would have to know and he could get all the help he needed in peace.
With one last deep breath, Hotch left the bathroom, flickering off the lights so he could focus on taking care of the broken agent.
"Can I see your arm?" Hotch asked him quietly, kneeling in front of Reid. Without saying anything, he held out his stick-thin arm out to him, watching as he took out what he needed to treat him. "I'm not mad at you, you know that, right?" He asked as he ripped open the small pack of alcohol pads to wipe the area clean before he got to work. "This is going to sting."
"I'd be mad at me." Reid flinched and let out a whimper as the sudden shock of pain and burning ran up his arm. "I'd… hate me."
"I don't hate you." Reid didn't say anything, looking away from Hotch.
They sat in silence while Hotch finished patching up Reid's arm. Hotch couldn't believe that Reid thought that he hated him, it would take a lot for Reid to end up on Hotch's bad side, and being forced to be addicted to drugs was not one of them. His opinion on Reid didn't change in the slightest, not even during or after his meltdown. It seemed to be a natural occurrence that whoever got close to Reid had the need to protect him, the same feelings applied for Hotch as he was on the same boat as Gideon as they both saw him as one of their own.
"You know I don't hate you, right?" Hotch asked him to make sure he understood.
Reid avoided his gaze, looking at his hands that sat on his lap still picking at the skin around his nail. No matter how many times Hotch would reassure him it wasn't enough, why couldn't he accept it as truth? Why did his brain have to do so many gymnastics when people expressed anything towards him? It wasn't fair.
"Reid, look at me." Hotch didn't wait for him, he reached out taking hold of Reid's jaw to get him to look at him properly. This was the first time Hotch ignored the whine of discomfort, he needed to get it through to him that he didn't hate him. "I do not hate you. Nobody hates you."
"Gideon… when he finds out." Tears were threatening to fall on the realization that Hotch was going to have to let him know. "Please don't tell him."
Hotch let out a sigh. "You know I have to. Nothing's going to happen to you, we just want you to get help, okay?" He let go to Reid. "You've been through a lot, you're young and haven't been doing this job long. Me and Gideon can help you, okay? We won't tell anybody, our judgement of you will not change. Understand?" Reid nodded, the corner of his mouth tugged upward. At least the message was getting through to him. "Okay… the first thing I need you to do is to answer me truthfully. Do you have any more Dilaudid?"
"N…" Reid stopped, making eye contact for a moment before letting out a sigh before standing up. Hotch watched as he slowly moved through the living room, he picked up one of the books that sat on his bookshelf. Behind it sat a small wooden box that was revealed to have two more vials of the drug sitting inside. "Here." He held it out to Hotch who took it immediately, proud that he was willing to give it up just like that.
"Second thing… I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone right now. I have a guest room, I would feel better if you stayed with me for a couple of days while you recover."
The silence had made Hotch assume that he said something that upset Reid, the surprise he had when Reid lunged forward, wrapping his arms around him while letting out an uncontrolled sob that was suppressed by burying his face in Hotch's shoulder. He assumed that since Hotch found out he was an addict it meant he was going to yell at him and scold him for something he didn't have original control of. Reid didn't want to have to rely on the drugs anymore, he wanted to be himself again, but he didn't know where to turn to. He should have known that he could have always turned to either Hotch or Gideon for anything, they've seen their fair share of events and had the experience to help him out. Being that Reid didn't want to bother anyone with him simply existing he kept it to himself.
"Shh…" Hotch soothed him, bringing him in closer with one hand while his other hand moved up to the younger agent's hair, gently running his fingers through it in an attempt to calm him down from another small episode. "You're going to be okay, we're going to help you."
"Thank you…" he sobbed, his voice muffled into Hotch's shoulder.
Never in his life did he have such a reliable support system, so having someone like Hotch who took care of him as if he was his own was both a scary yet relieving change.
Finally, Reid felt like he belonged to the BAU family.