BAZ (cont'd)

"Baz…" his voice is barely there. "Don't do this."

"What?!" What am I doing? I would really like to know.

"Make this harder than it has to be." Snow's voice is still barely audible.

"What's that supposed to mean?" My stomach takes a dive as he pauses to take a deep breath before he answers. This can't be good.

"When someone shows you who they are, you should listen to them-- er, trust them-- er, believe them. You know what I mean."

"I assure you, I don't." this conversation is definitely not going the right way. I feel a cold tight ball growing in my gut.

"We both know I'm no good for you" Snow allows his eyes to meet mine for just an instant before pulling them away from me.

"That's not true. Simon-" I am trying to meet his eyes again. Trying to stay calm but it's difficult. In the meantime Snow's voice has gone from barely audible to practically shouting.

"It is! You wouldn't have even come on this American misadventure if you didn't feel so sorry for me and obligated to-- and now you've been shot up twice and nearly killed because of me."

"That's nothing. I'm fine. Simon, listen to me-" I reach out to take his hand but he pulls it away and turns from me looking back at the water.

"No. You listen to me. For once. You're coming into your own. You have so much more to give. You're thriving and changing and I'm… Not. I'm pulling you down Baz, you must see it."

"No. No, it's not like that." I am wracking my brain to come up with the perfect way to say this. I know I need to tread lightly. I try to make my voice as calm and soothing as possible. As if it could be the comforting touch I would like to give him now. "Simon, you've been through a lot. Anyone would be… rattled. It's just taking you some time adjust and that's ok. I can be patient."

"That's just it though, you shouldn't have to be." His head turns and he meets my gaze long enough for me to see that his eyes are swimming with pain. A look of intense determination crosses his face and he abruptly whips around toward the water again and says resolutely and clearly "No, I can't do it anymore. I won't hold you back. I refuse to be the reason you don't move forward with your life. I can't do that to you." His arms are crossed in front of his chest. His words come out cold. Even and empty of emotion.

"Stop being ridiculous, Snow. You're not holding me back."

"Yes. I. Am. Listen to me Baz." He pauses, as if gathering his strength for something important. I wait. I listen. I'll show him I can be patient.

After an agonizing silence that feels like forever he continues. "We're just... not a match. We used to be. But I'm not who I was… before. And It's time I stopped pretending. And you need to stop pretending too." His words are clumsy and faltering at first but now they are picking up steam and spilling out of him like a kettle that's boiling over. Fast and hot. His tail thrashes wildly. "I'm never going to change back to the person I was when we got together. And it's killing me that you're waiting around for that. Like it's magically going to happen at any moment. Baz, I'm not magic anymore. I'm not going to change. When are you going to just admit it. I'm a normal Baz. That's all I am now and all I'm ever going to be. I wish everyone could stop tiptoeing around it and just say it. I can't do magic. I can't even see the bloody pixies dancing in the stupid field. I can't keep up with you and I don't think I'm meant to. I've got to come to terms with that on my own."

I think he might be finished, but his voice gets quiet again and he says "Besides, I can see how much I disappoint you, and I just can't take it anymore."

I think he's done with his prepared speech. Good. Maybe now I'll have a chance to convince him to see it my way. To finally grasp how I really feel. With all the gentleness and love in my voice that I can muster I say softly, "You don't disappoint me. Snow, you're everyth-"

He whips around so he is facing me again. His eyes are scrunched up in an uncharacteristic scowl and he yells at me. "Don't lie to me Baz! I'm not stupid! I can see the way you look at me. I can feel it." He is raging now. Irrational. He would be going off if that was still an option.

"You're wrong. Dead wrong." I try to make my words a barricade to stop this nonsense. Maybe it's working a little. He seems to calm down a bit. Deep breaths Snow.

He sighs heavily and lets his shoulders slump as he looks down. "Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. I just don't want you to feel obligated anymore. You don't need to stick to whatever promises you feel you made before. Just… Consider that null and void. You don't owe me anything. You're free to go."

"But I don't want to go. Simon, I-"

"Well, I want you to. Will you just go? For my sake." Snow's head is down. Long golden curls are covering his eyes.

I'll admit I am a little desperate at this point. I do my best to keep that from coming through in my voice. I try to sound calm and sensible. Neutral as a scientist. Instead, my words come out sounding more like I'm trying to soothe a frightened animal that is cornered and about to bite. "Simon. Love. Please don't do this. You're not thinking straight. You don't know what you're saying."

Despite all the effort my words don't get through to him at all. He is a brick fucking wall. Simon Snow. And he's not having it. "No. For once I am thinking straight. I'm tired of not saying the truth. And if you won't go… then I guess I'll just have to do it for you."

He begins to walk swiftly past me without looking up. I reach out to grab his wrist as he passes but he pulls it away from me before I can grip it. I think he might be crying.

This is just what I need. I never expected Simon's stubbornness to be our downfall. Why is this suddenly the hill he wants to die on? Why now?

After all we've been through over these past two ridiculous weeks. After almost losing him. Twice. Now I have to lose him all over again. And he still doesn't understand how I really feel. Fuck. Me. Fuck.

SIMON

Baz tries to reach out for my arm as I pass but I pull it away from him. I can't face him right now. I can't let him see me.

That's nothing new. I haven't wanted him to really see me for months now. But I especially don't want him to see me now. Because I am a crying blubbering mess.

It takes all I have in me to say what I've just said. To say it out loud. So many words that have been bubbling up for so long finally spilling out. It felt like a relief to get it out. And it felt awful. It feels like I just went off, but I don't taste smoke. I feel spent completely. Like I might not even be able to make it to Agatha's flat without stopping to rest. At the same time I feel solid and strong. Almost proud. I didn't know if I'd be able to do it. It feels good to know thet I'm not pretending anymore. And scary.

I think about looking back, but I know that I can't. I couldn't look Baz in the eye. I couldn't bear to see the look on his face. I can't bear to cause him pain. That's why I'm doing this.

I'm not stupid. I know he'll be upset. He thinks he loves me. And I love that about him. But he will get over it. With time. And he'll move on to better things.

I'm the first person he's ever kissed. I'm the first person he's ever done anything with. I most certainly won't be the last. This is the best thing for him. Doesn't matter what it means for me. I'm used to my life being a disaster. It's the least I can do to not drag him down with me.

BAZ

I watch Snow walk across the sand back towards Agatha's flat. I want to run after him and talk some sense into him. But I'm frozen. It's like the tight cold ball in my stomach has swelled to fill every inch of my body and I'm colder than I've ever felt before. And as a vampire that's saying something.

He gets smaller and smaller and I don't do anything. I wish he would turn around. Walk back towards me, take it all back, and wrap me up in one of his expert kisses. He doesn't even look back.

The truly ironic thing is I know exactly how he feels. That night, after we spoke to Nicodemus for the first time, when I was determined to set the forest ablaze and end my sorry excuse for a life. The whole reason I was doing it was because I was so certain that it's what my mother would've wanted me to do. I was so certain that she loved the person I was before and could never love the person, the thing, I had become. I could feel so acutely my lack where there used to be so much love and it made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't bear it and I just wanted it all to end.

The other truly ironic thing is it was Snow who saved me from all of that. Whether he knew what he was doing or just wasn't thinking, he kissed me that night and it changed everything. When he was kissing me, I couldn't think those dark thoughts. He put his hands on my chest and put out the flames. He saved my life.

Simon Snow saved me.

I have got to find a way to save him back.

I will do it, even if it kills me.

PENELOPE

"I know we have to go soon. I'll go find out what they are up to." I say to Agatha over my shoulder as I open her front door. I immediately bump into Simon who has apparently been standing on the porch.

"Simon! There you are. We've got to get going. Go inside and get your stuff together quick. Where's Baz?"

"I think he's still on the beach." Simon's voice sounds funny. I look at his face and I can see that his eyes are red and puffy behind his curls.

"Simon. What happened? What's wrong?"

"Nothing happened. I'm fine, Penny. Just leave it alone."

I'm his best friend, I think I know Simon well enough to know when something's wrong. I reach out my hand and place it on his forearm. "Simon, you know you can talk to me-"

"For Snakes sake, just leave it Penny!" he shouts as he yanks his arm away. He rushes past me into the flat, his head lowered so that his hair is covering his eyes.

Baz is at the bottom of the stairs before I even start to walk down them to look for him. "Baz, what happened to Simon, is he ok?"

He gently brushes past me and gives me a sideways glance. "He'll be fine Penny, don't worry about it, all right?"

Baz looks paler than usual. If that's possible. I grab his wrist as he's crossing the threshold of the flat. He's so cold. He turns slowly, as if it pains him. "Baz, Are you… ok?"

Baz plasters a fake smile over his frown and says in a sing song voice, "I'm right as rain, Penelope Bunce." His usual scowl returns instantly. "Now let's get our Motley Crue to the airport before we miss our flight, yea?"

And then he's turned and gone before I can even nod yes. Whatever has happened, it's clearly not fine. Something definitely happened out there on the beach, but with a handful of tickets and passports to whip out of thin air I simply don't have time to find out what it is right now. I'm sure I'll be able to get it out of them while we're on the plane.

SIMON

I make sure I don't sit next to Baz on the flight. I say that I want a window seat to be able to watch America as we take off and I know he wants an aisle so he'll have some space for his long legs. Shep is happy to take the middle seat which leaves Penny across the aisle from Baz next to Agatha. She doesn't seem particularly happy about this for some reason, but I can't imagine why.

Shepherd is excited and nervous because this is the first time he's flown internationally. He's jittery and even more talkative than usual. The amount of words he is saying and the pace of them is exhausting. Besides, my brain is so full of swirling thoughts I can't hold onto that I can barely follow whatever he's on about, so I just ignore him.

I focus my gaze out the window and I watch America slowly drift away into the distance as the plane climbs higher and higher. All of those gigantic cars become tiny ants lined up on the crisscrossing highways.

America. Not quite the life changing experience I was expecting. I don't know that I'm any closer to finding myself. But things have certainly changed in some regards. My boyfriend didn't break up with me in front of the Statue of Liberty. I broke up with him on a beach in San Diego. Who would've thought I could do that?

When we break the crest of the clouds and all that remains outside the window is an endless fluffy white field, I turn from the window and glance to the aisle where Baz has been fending off Shepherd's incessant babbling. He's been watching me and his eyes meet mine eagerly as soon as they come into view. "Allright Snow?" He asks.

"Fine." I say. I quickly look away at the seat back in front of me. I briefly entertain the idea of inspecting the emergency instructions booklet sticking out of the seat pocket. The cartoon flames make me think back to the battle with the Next Blood. There was so much fire everywhere. I didn't think I was going to be able to stand up. I was so scared that Baz was going to get lit up by that torched vampire that was running towards him. I was scared I wasn't going to be able to get to him in time.

I remember how it felt to wrap my arms around him and lift him off the ground. Every beat of my wings was accompanied with sharp pain, but it didn't matter. I had to save him and thankfully I could. Even if it ended up practically killing me. Thank Merlin for Penny's healing spells. With her help I only slept through three states. Without them I may not have woken up again at all.

There's another thing that's been reminding me of that day. Since I walked away from Baz on the beach this morning it's like every breath is accompanied with sharp pain. Nothing feels right. The thought occurs to me that emotional pain can be just as strong as the pain from a physical injury. Magic brought me back to life, but I don't know that magic can heal this.

Doesn't matter. There wasn't a choice. Breaking up with Baz on the beach today was saving him just as much as scooping him into the air in the battle. Only this time I had to save him from myself.

Besides, time heals all wounds, right? I guess we'll see if that's true or not.

I decide not to review the safety packet. I pull down the window shade and I lean my head against it. I pretend to be asleep for the rest of the flight. 8 hours is a long time.

PENELOPE

I was so certain I would be able to get to the bottom of whatever happened this morning between Simon and Baz on the flight, but it looks like that's not in the cards. Between Agatha clinging to my left arm and Shepherd going on and on, I'm thoroughly occupied.

Shepherd has been talking pretty much nonstop since we got in the queue for security. He's apparently not only fascinated by all things magickal, he's curious about everything. He was asking about the difference between American and English airport security. He filled us in with excessive detail about the difference in American practices since the 9/11 attacks. I know more about something called The Department of Homeland Security than I ever cared to. It seems ludicrous to make everyone take off their shoes and run them through the same x-ray machine with the luggage, then not even check for produce.

"The only times I've flown before was to visit my dad after my parents got divorced." Shepherd is saying now. "But that's a short flight. Only an hour and a half really. 8 hours. Wow. That's really something. And at the end of it we'll be in another country! I've never been to another country before. I guess at least they'll speak english, right? I'll be able to communicate so that's good."

Baz sneers. "Yes, it would be dreadful if you were not able to communicate."

Shepherd is not phased in the slightest. I don't think he even registers the thick sarcasm in Baz's comment. That or he's just too excited to care. "Do you think they'll like me?" He asks no one in particular. "Do English people generally like Americans? I wonder if they'll think I have an interesting accent instead of the other way around. That's so funny how that works." I honestly don't know how he's talking so much. I don't think he's even stopping to take a breath. "I can't wait to meet more Maybes and see what the community is like over there. Must be a whole other set of rules. A whole different ball game. A whole different cast of characters and magickal creatures. I wonder--"

"Not on the plane, Shep, remember?" I say between clenched teeth. We talked before we left for the airport about how we couldn't speak freely about anything magickal in front of the Normals. Well, the other Normals anyway.

"Oh, right, right. Sorry. Still it's going to be quite the adventure." He grins stupidly. I roll my eyes but I'm smiling just the same. It's kind of endearing how talkative he gets when he is nervous. It reminds me of a little boy getting to play with a puppy. As endearing as it is, it is also objectively annoying.

"You know what would be a really great adventure?" Baz says sarcastically "Playing the quiet game for awhile. Do you think you could last for ten minutes? Or maybe we should just go for one?"

"Sorry," Shep says, "I know I talk a lot when I'm nervous. Or excited. And right now I'm both. It's kind of a perfect cocktail of all the essential ingredients."

"A recipe for disaster." Baz sighs heavily and rolls his eyes mightily.

"Yes, exactly! I really am sorry. When I get like this I can't control it. I wish I could but I really can't manage it for some reason. It used to drive my dad crazy when I would come to visit because I was always so nervous and excited. My mom didn't have to deal with it as much because I lived with her most of the time and I was never as nervous and excited around her. Unless it was the first day of school or a big test or something."

"It's a wonder you've survived as long as you have." Baz sneers. "Your parents ought to be canonized into the sainthood for their restraint."

I am tempted to laugh because it is a good jab, but I manage to keep it in. "Baz, that's enough." I say with as much sternness as I can muster. I look over across the aisle and I see Shepherd's face. He looks like he feels genuinely bad. And sad. It's a look like the puppy he was playing with just got shot. I have a curious urge to reach out and comfort him but with Agatha on my shoulder and the aisle and Baz between us, it's impossible. "Don't worry about it Shepherd. Just, do try to calm down. It's a long flight and it's barely gotten started."

"Yea, yea. You're right Penelope. Thanks." He looks down at his lap. "Maybe I'll just-- Try to read a book or something for a while." He leans forward and starts rummaging through his bag.

"That's the spirit." Baz says. His tone thick with false enthusiasm. "Some silent reading time is a wonderful idea."

When Shepherd leans over I can see Simon in the window seat. He's asleep. Maybe that's good. His eyes are still a bit red and puffy, but it's not so noticeable anymore. You wouldn't even realize it if you didn't know what he looked like normally.

I see Baz taking the opportunity to look at Simon as well. When Shep sits up again Baz turns his head away and looks straight ahead. But he's not looking at anything. He's looking right through the seat in front of him, beyond the plane, off into some distant place that's only in his mind. It's like he's a million miles away. His brow is furrowed like he's concentrating hard on something. Is he trying to cast a spell without using his wand?

Something definitely happened on that beach this morning and my mind wants to put the puzzle pieces together. But I don't have many pieces to go on. I wish I had a chalkboard, but there wouldn't be much to write in the what we know column.

Simon was crying on the porch

Baz came in after him

They weren't together

I wonder if Baz said something that upset Simon. Baz does have a tendency to go for the jugular. I don't think he does it on purpose. It's almost like it's instinctual. Sometimes I think he couldn't help it even if he tried. After spending more time with him I know he's not a bad person. But he can be quite harsh at times.

Or maybe it's Simon who's angry at Baz. He definitely has a chip on his shoulder about the whole thing with Lamb. I've noticed him making a few side comments about it and they definitely don't have a positive air about them. I think he might actually think that Baz was interested in Lamb, like attracted to him. It's stupid really, anyone can see that Baz only has eyes for Simon.

The air hostess shoves her trolly down the aisle, slamming into Baz's knee. Baz glares at her and repositions himself as he crams his leg into the back of the seat in front of him. She's serving lunch. I nudge Agatha gently and ask her if she wants a meal. "Shepherd, why don't you wake Simon, he'll be hungry later if he skips this."

"Just leave him for now." Baz speaks up suddenly and with an air of authority. "He can always get a meal later when he wakes up."

BAZ

It's all I can do not to slap Shep in the face. It would be an absolute pleasure. Honestly. Learn to read the room. Or the plane. No one wants to hear you blathering on incessantly. It's tiresome.

I thought it was bad in the truck when I was squashed between him and Bunce. But this is worse. There is even less space for me to cram myself into and I am trapped between Bunce and this insufferable Normal. Again.

I wish he would just shut up for one second so I could hear better. So I could hear myself think. So I could hear…

Simon.

He's pretending to sleep with his head pressed against the window shade. His curls are gently falling across his forehead where they're not mashed against the awful plane plastic.

I know he's pretending because I can hear his heartbeat and it is a dead giveaway. I can only catch it occasionally in brief moments when there is a lull in the din. It is hard to pick out between the noises of the engine, the air hostess taking orders, and of course Shep's infernal rambling. But I am a vampire after all. And it has it's advantages at times.

I can pick up his heartbeat from amidst the cacophony and he is clearly not asleep. I know what Snow's heartbeat sounds like when he's sleeping. This is different. It's not gentle and heavy, slowed and steady. It's erratic. Sometimes speeding up and sometimes calming down. He could be having nightmares but there's usually a fair bit of moaning and twitching when that's going on and he is still as a statue.

Snow is an idiot. Even if I couldn't hear his heartbeat I would know he wasn't really sleeping because no one can sleep that well on a plane and no one can sleep that long without moving a muscle. If he wanted to do a convincing job he would have to occasionally readjust his position. Occasionally shift in his seat. However, he looks like some kind of cherubim statue from the heart of the renaissance. His body remains completely frozen in place no matter what is going on around him.

But his heartbeat is shifting. That's for certain. I wish I knew what he was thinking. It drives me crazy that after all this time he is still so difficult to read. I can't accurately predict what's going on inside his head. The best I can do is try to compare the different rhythms to different situations.

Sometimes the beat sounds just like it did when he was lying on the couch all day watching TV and drinking cider. Just dull and muted. Sometimes it's much stronger and faster and it reminds me of when he was yelling at me on the beach earlier today. Going off like a steam kettle. There are other times when it's highly irregular and swiftly switching between rising and falling. It sounds the way it did when he put his head on my chest that night after the humdrum used me against him. My heart pangs a little bit just thinking about that moment. Will we ever be that close again? I try to dismiss the errant thought. I'm a very determined person and I'm sure I can make my way back there eventually.

Then there are the periods when it is exceedingly strained by overuse. Beating too hard and too fast. Like he's in crisis, injured, or in pain. I know that rhythm so well from when he scooped me up at the end of the Next Blood battle and lifted me into the air. His wings, riddled with bullet holes, beat furiously and lurched us up and down with all the grace of a dying swan. I could hear his heartbeat so clearly with my head against his chest and his grip on me was so tight. I thought he would never let go.

But he did. Let go. Most decidedly. His words are still swimming in my head.

Will you just go… I want you to… if you won't go then I guess I'll just have to do it for you…

How can he see things the way he does? So far off from reality. How can he honestly think I'm disappointed by him? I don't know how I can ever get through to him how I really feel. How brave and lovely he is to me. He could never disappoint me.

How am I going to get him to see that even though he's not magickal anymore he is still Simon Snow. And that's enough. More than enough.

Penny is sitting awkwardly across the aisle. She's watching us both like she's looking for clues to solve a murder. She's trying to be subtle but Penny trying to be subtle ends up being about as smooth as a bull in a china shop. No surprises there.

"So did you have a nice time at the beach this morning, Basil?" She asks me out of the blue.

"Just swell." I try to say it in a way that communicates what I really mean which is. Penelope Bunce, mind your own bloody business.

"What did you talk about?" She continues to pester me.

"Nothing in particular. Just sat next to the water for a while." Merciful Morgana, know when to leave well enough alone and just drop it would you?

"So you just… Had a nice chat?"

"Pretty much" That tight cold ball in my gut starts to spread again as I think about what really happened. Obviously I can't talk to Bunce about this right now, with Simon listening. I can hear his heartbeat quickening since this conversation started. Why? Does he think I will betray him, still? Don't worry Snow. I won't tell Bunce what really happened. She was your friend first. She should hear it from you.

Suddenly I start to play out a future in my head. A future where I don't spend time with Bunce anymore because there's no reason for me to haunt their flat now that Simon isn't… Now that Simon doesn't… want me there.

He told me to go. I want you to… if you won't go then I guess I'll just have to do it for you…

I push the vision down. I clench my stomach muscles to crush the coldness spreading. No. It can't be like that. I won't let it. This is just a temporary set back. There may be some distance. Initially. I know he needs space. But the distance will only go on for as long as it takes me to figure out how to make Snow see reason.

Unfortunately, with how thick headed he can be that could take a long while. I really don't want to think about it.

PENELOPE

Baz isn't going to give up any ground on this. He's a steel trap. Whatever happened on the beach between him and Simon he's not telling me. At least not now.

But as we talk I notice his elbows leaning harder into the arm rests and his hands gripping them tightly. I'm not stupid. I can tell he's lying. Baz is a good liar, but I am a better detective. And it's clear enough that whatever they talked about this morning it wasn't swell.

Simon is still asleep. He didn't wake up even for the in flight meals and Baz wouldn't let anyone disturb him. He's going to be starving when we land. I hope he's ok. I've hit him with every healing spell I know multiple times, but it may not have done the trick. I can't think about that right now. We're seeing Dr. Wellbelove when we get in, he'll know what to do.

Suddenly I'm exhausted. I wonder what time it is. How long have we been in the air? 5 hours maybe. My phone is still set to the California time zone. It's almost seven o clock but it feels much later than that. I think the stress of the trip is catching up to me. It's going to be such a relief to be home. Back in familiar territory.

I'm hoping that the return to England will coincide with the return of my sense of certainty about life. America threw me too many curve balls and I'm ashamed of how poorly I handled it. I've never spent so much time just not knowing what to do. I miss the old Penelope. The one who is always sure and always right. I hope she'll come back. It would make sense that a return to familiar territory would herald a return to normalcy for me. But what if it doesn't?

America got to me, and it threw me for a loop, I can't deny it. I don't know if it will make me bounce back instantly, but nevertheless, I can't wait to be back on British soil.

What time is it at home right now? I try to do the math in my head but it's not making sense. I decide I'm too tired and I should probably try to get some sleep before we land. There will be plenty of time to solve the mystery of what the hell happened with Simon and Baz after we land.