Boyz Night Out
Dhalpin's note: So yes, LordGrise and I did decided to create a Boy's Night out after I wrote a certain quote at the end of chapter thirteen of Girl's Night Out II (which I think was a suggestion by LordGrise). Oh, and if you have not read Girls Night Out II you should as Illyana parties in Gothum, will the city survive? We wrote this chapter about a year ago and then put it on the shelf until Girl's Night Out II was either done or almost done (I'm currently working on the last chapter). Plot wise I suspect LordGrise will be taking the primary lead as he is the main DC character writer where as I'm Illyana based (like you didn't know that by now). No idea if Illyana is actually going to show up in this story as the title rather does say Boys, but who knows. Note that the Batman fanfiction from Chris Dee (catwoman-cattales dot com) governs the Batman interpretation. For full understanding of some things in this story you should read Girl's Night Out II.
For those who have never read my Illylana/Gothum works see the following:
Arkham – the first work, started by me but continued by LordGrise.
Girls Night Out II – Illyana parties in Gotham, will the city survive (with LordGrise)
What to do about Magik Gotham style – Short stories about Illyana/Gotham interactions.
Tango with Doom – Third chapter as Illyana/Dr. Doom visit Gotham.
Oh, and I am very much the computer nerd as you will see.
LordGrise's note: So, Girls Night Out (GNO which is the last chapter of Tag I'm It) was a blast, and GNO2 has been even more over the top and fun. But, what about the boys? The Girlz certainly set them up...
Part 1a: Somewhere… somewhen
The Bottle, that's how Illyana and others referred to it, was stored in a safe place. No need for full details but, it was in another universe in a doorless room in the heart of a neutron star. Sitting on a table with just a note.
Congratulations on managing to break in.
The bottle is completely safe.
Really safe.
No need for any concerns at all.
Promise.
Cross my heart and hope… well I suppose saying die is ominous.
Well, trust me it's safe. I mean… would I lie?
Oh, and just so you know, I'm recording this because…
Well just because.
And I have full rights to any and all videos because…
Well, no need for those details.
So… have fun!
I know I will.
And so far nobody had stolen it. Which Illyana considered somewhat of a bummer because… well. Because.
But now forgotten words had been spoken, and the enchantment slumbered.
Waiting…
Part 1b: Digging in the dirt
Richard 'Dick' Grayson, A.K.A. Nightwing, sat on an overturned wooden crate and wiped his upper body of sweat with his tee shirt. Across the gutted, hopefully soon to be a holoprojecting roundtable, Oliver Queen, A.K.A. the Green Arrow and also known as Ollie, likewise grubbily attired, likewise sat on a crate besides the impressive chair he was rewiring. The two looked at each other in companionable silence for a moment, resting in the uncomfortably warm, bone-dry air, lit only by some flashlights and electric lanterns.
"Just whose base was this, originally, Dick?" Ollie asked as he tried for a third time to get the chair's arm console to fall home in the space available.
Grayson looked past the table area, lit by the field lights brought in for the task, to the massive, pitch black space beyond the lit area they were sitting in. "We honestly don't know. Bruce and I think maybe CADMUS, mostly because of the monstrous overstress allowances in all the architecture down here. What we do know is, it's been here for decades; the original construction of all of this down here, and the building pads around us above, date to right around the Second World War. Bruce says the steel of the support beams, the cement - I mean, the concrete, and the massive busbar wiring down here all date to that time frame as well. Someone reworked the place in the early or mid-sixties; the mainframe, plastics, and that mess of old furniture are from that time, and all the lead shielding."
Garfield Logan, the one and only Beast Boy, despite being of an age with Green Arrow, joined them at the table, cracking open his own bottle of water. "What's the difference between cement and concrete, Dick? Oh yeah, Wally's gone to get us all dinner, and Tim says him and Victor are just about done, or so they think."
"Cement is the powder product that you mix with water to make the smooth paste. Concrete is when you add sand, gravel, and whatever else, depending on what it's being used for. It's a lot stronger." Was Dick's answer. You need to know such things when you were Batman's Sidekick.
That's when the main lights started coming on, and cooler air began to flow from the vents. Everyone promptly cheered. Victor Stone, A.K.A. Cyborg, and Tim Drake, A.K.A. the Red Robin, joined the others at the table a few minutes later, and water bottles were tossed to them in camaraderie.
Tim gave Victor an 'after you' motion, and Victor tabled his water bottle after drinking a long mouthful before speaking. "Okay, so, the good news is, all that old electrical and air handler hardware on the lower engineering level? Still in good running condition, once we figured out what we were looking at. Analog safety systems, mechanical thermal trips, I've never seen those before in real life... and everything is mil-spec, as in the old-fashioned needs to work for one-thousand years kind of way. Massive, massive over-allowances on everything. The AC system was what took so long; we had to reload the coolants, and then re-lube all the moving parts. All the electrical system needed was to reset all the safeties. But we finally got the gauges to midline green on RPM and pressure, and that enabled the overall system safeties. The bad news is... yeah, all those ladders keep going down and down and down. Unless we want to rip up those concrete plugs - I make the thinnest one at least a hundred yards thick, with multiple rebar grids thru it – they're going to remain a mystery for now."
Tim took up the report. "The busbar mains all go down as well. So the power source? We think it's thermal, either some kind of hot pressure turbine or straight magma power source, and either way it's miles down. I hope."
A whoom of displaced air, and Wally West, A.K.A Kid Flash, stood in a 'la voila!' pose holding forth a full-tray sized aluminum foil covered deep dish baking pan and a large thermal grocery bag as he proudly proclaimed. "Before you, that epitome of epic eating: the Fast Food Cheezeburger Lasagna! Six epic men, twelve epic pounds of food! No lettuce, no pickles, onions three ways, bacon three ways, cheese three ways, the bread three ways! Plus mushrooms, tomatoes, ketchup, mustard, and barbecue sauce! Another twelve pounds of steak fries for a side! EAT!" And disposable plate settings appeared in front of everyone, followed by heaping servings of food as if by magic (Kid Flash is fast after all). The bag of fries made the rounds, finishing up by Grayson, who reviewed his plate with barely concealed horror. Plastic red cups appeared alongside more water bottles, and a double magnum bottle of red wine was passed around.
Tim spoke up as he dug in without hesitation. "We all know CADMUS is some US government secret project that went completely off the rails, but I personally don't know any more than that, guys – it was way before my time. Dick, you gotta know more, so give, man."
Grayson looked up from the plate of 'lasagna' set before him by Wally, happy for anything that distracted him from the massive serving that steamed on his plate. It was oleaginously sauced with all the oils and fats from the cheese, hamburger, and bacon working with and thru the layers of bread that substituted for the relatively healthy pasta he was used to. It had none of the fresh, healthy vegetables Alfred had made him for all those years, although mushrooms, tomato, and onion were definitely in there... It looked like a heart attack waiting to happen, a mutant crossbreed of a deep dish pizza and a triple bacon cheeseburger.
But it smelled incredibly, insidiously, and in the final analysis mouth-wateringly good. Unthinkingly - he really was quite hungry - he reached for his fork even as he consciously focused on the query. "We don't know nearly as much about CADMUS as we wish we did, and a lot of the deep background that we do have is - iffy."
He took a bite and flavors exploded across his palate, beef and peppered bacon and sharp cheddar gooeyness leading garlic and onions in a subtly sweetened, definitely smoked paprika heated spiciness. Garlic bread was in there, and - Hawaiian rolls? Definitely, Grayson decided. He reached for the bag of fries and grabbed out a generous handful of the steak fries to help with the sauce as he continued.
"We don't know, for instance, when CADMUS first formed; Bruce thinks it does go all the way back to the start of World War Two, because that was when the first genuine metahumans appeared publicly, fighting on both sides. We don't think it was called CADMUS back then, though." He grabbed a napkin to wipe his mouth, forked another mouthful in, and followed it with a fry he had broke in two and swabbed sauce with. "Y'know, this's really good!" He took a mouthful of the good red wine; the one bottle wouldn't hurt anything split six ways...
Dick continued. "That wine really cuts thru everything, cleans the mouth out and makes you ready for the next forkful, doesn't it? Anyway, somewhere between World War Two and Korean Vietnam conflict years, CADMUS was created. At the start, there were three Directors, working together: Reginald Augustine, Dr. Thomas Thompkins, and Dr. Dabney Donovan." He took another mouthful of food. It looks a lot better when you know it tastes good! He thought as he took another mouthful of wine.
"Dabney Donovan." Gar said flatly. "I remember him, back in the Doom Patrol days. World-class mad scientist even back then, making clones of almost anyone he could lay hold of the DNA to, cheating Death left and right for whoever would pay, making monsters just to see if he could... And murdering people to keep his masquerades rolling. He used to give me nightmares…"
Ollie wiped his mouth. "Then we drop the subject. Good food, good drink, we need a good subject. Grayson, what the hell happened with the Batmobile you had rebuilt? Bats just purely hates those bobble heads on the dash..."
Dick tried to demur, but the crowd he ran with were all firmly demonstrative and convincing types, and besides, if he couldn't tell his friends, then who the hell could he tell?
"So I know you all got the report about Magik having been in town, that she brought some friends with her, and did some good while in town?" Dick refilled his glass, and sent the wine bottle around the table so everyone else could top up. "Yeah, and then she did some socializing, took in a show at the Iceberg before she took off, right?" He took another mouthful of his lasagna. "What the report kinds glossed over was, after Magik and her crew went into the Iceberg, I took advantage of the situation to see Cobblepot's apartment, and long story short, got my bike stolen."
The conversation took a pause as more food and more wine were consumed. Ollie, once he was done eating, broke out some first class cigars, of which he, Gar, and surprisingly Victor immediately partook. Pale blue smoke plumed as they lit up, and the scent of Dominican puro worked pleasingly with the flavors of the food and wine.
"I... lost my head a bit." Dick continued, embarrassed. "I should have contacted Oracle and just had her find the bike on the streetlight cameras while I was waiting for the Batmobile. Instead I stewed until the Batmobile got there, and then confronted the driver of Magik's limo, because I thought he was somehow involved. I'm embarrassed as to how rookie I played it - "
Dick's cell phone gave a complex vibration, Morse code that spelled out BABS. (Batclan cell phones did not use actual ring tones; noise is a bad thing when stalking or lurking. Plus, vibe ringing allows the recipient to know that they are receiving a call or a text without having to acknowledge it.) The first thing the Boyz had done as they had explored the place had been to place battery powered transponders and Wi-Fi repeaters throughout the upper levels of the facility, all wired to a series of antennas they had positioned on the surface. Dick grinned. "Saved by the phone! Excuse me, gents; the wife calls…" He said casually as he rose, pulled the phone out of his pocket, and wandered away from the table to obtain a bit of privacy. Good humored comments followed him; everyone knew it wasn't 'business' as Barbara (Code name Oracle, ex Batgirl, and his wife) was not contacting him on the normal Bat Comms channels.
He answered the phone with a cheerful. "Yo Babe, miss you, what's up?"
Barbara responded with a cheerful tone which assured Dick that nothing bad was going one. "Miss you back. How goes the rehab?"
"We just got the air conditioning and lights back on, which is a relief as it's been warm." He gave his left armpit a sniff. "All the water lines are good, thank god; that was Cyborg's nanos' first job, gave us our a map of the place. Now that we have the power back on, we should be getting water pressure soon. Hot water is not going to be an issue, Victor and Tim think the power source is thermal. I'm looking forward to a shower. Man, do I need a shower."
A chuckle from Barbara. "Whiffy?"
"Massivly, and the other guys as well. Seriously, babe, we can confirm at least the uppermost three levels of this place are in great shape. No real rust or other humidity damage; it looks like there's been a passive flow of warm, absolutely dry air, to the entire place the entire time it was closed up. Now that the power is active, we should be able to get the lifts working as well as the other systems, and tomorrow actually start exploring the spaces below. We've already found an old mainframe computer; it has to be from the redo in the sixties."
Dick tapped a few times on his phone. "Here's some still imagery; the full run is in the downloads, but I knew you'd want to see this. It's been shut down, obviously, but it has over a hundred hard drives, each the size of a washing machine. Plus smaller rack mounted ones which I assume hold less data. Victor says that his scans show that the drives appear to be holding data, but how degraded is anyone's guess as he doesn't recognize any of the formatting. I bet you'll have some fun with that, and bet as in actually bet in that Victor will owe a bottle of that red wine you like if you can crack it. We found other data systems in the same general area, but they're more application specific we think; most look analog. We also found punched paper tape readers and punched card readers, but no tape media so far, oh and a whole room of tape drives. No manufacturer or serial number plates on any of them; you can see where they've been removed. There is a weird name place on one of the computer cabinets, it says 49424D 550-61 (1)."
Barbara's response sounded was if he'd brought her fine chocolate as she paged thought the photo files. "That thing fills the room… a big room." She flipped to the next image, and drew a long breath. "IBM 360 architecture, alright… Lots and lots of cabinets… Pffff somebody wants to play… 49424D, likely ASCII coding… no no it would be EDCDIC which is almost the same, spells out IBM which makes sense but 550-61? Tricky… nameplates and model numbers gone, but somebody wanted to… brag? Brag about what… 550 in octal is 360 in decimal and 61 in hex is 97. Wait? 97? IBM never built a 360-97! Largest commercial release was the 91 series, with just two 95s special built for NSA!" Her voice went higher, and faster. "That means it's a one off! One of one! A classified, does not exist, one off! Ohhh, I've got to get my hands on it!"
Dick was a user of computers, not a nerd on the history of computers. "Um… is that important?"
Her voice was trembling with excitement. "IBM supposedly never made it so… who knows what extra goodies might be in there! Ohhhh, the 360 changed everything! Eight bit bytes, thirty two bit words, megs and megs of memory, sixty four bit floating point, nine track tape drives with one bit for error correction, I/O channels, direct memory access, twenty four bit addressing… Oh… twenty four bit addressing in the sixties! How many tape drives?!"
"Over a hundred, plus a second room with those giant hard drives and a third room of the paper tape and card readers."
Dick could hear her hitting her desk like it was a drum set and she gave a shriek like she was a fan seeing the Beatles for the first time. "Ahhhhhh!" Almost as if she was….
Dick assumed this was a techo nerd thing, and he had just hit the jackpot. "Sooo… did good babe?"
A growl of satisfaction from Barbara that told Dick that he had done good. "The best babe, the best. I so got to see this in person and get my hands on it."
Then a more musing and relaxed tone from Barbara after a sip of water. "If we're right and that place was some sort of World War Three Doomsday base; Mainframes and analog systems were the standard back then. 360-97… … There was no loose media? No tape or card vault?"
"Vaults, we've found three so far and no, nothing as they were all empty."
Dick could hear the clattering of her keyboard. "I'll do some research and see if I can find an Operating System load to test the system… Anything else?"
"We found some of the spare parts storerooms – there have to be more, we haven't found any vacuum tubes yet - and man, whoever stocked them was thorough."
"Lots and lots and then some?"
"Totally. Plus manuals and the inventory lists for each room as well. Sometimes you just got to be happy for card catalogues. But with the service and repair manuals, shouldn't be hard to find what these things are and where – and when - they have to have come from."
"So even more stores then the Bat?"
"Yep, I think the words lifetime buy describes the quantities here. No blank media though. So, anything up?"
"No, things are still quiet in Gotham and Bludhaven. And… you again won the Gotham Time's poll on being the Sexiest Male hero."
"Hmmm, shall I give you a private show when I get back Mrs. Grayson?"
"Mmmmmm, I'll reserve the time. But shower first."
Dick looked back at the table and his grubby companions. "No worries about that Babe."
Suddenly Barbara's voice had a hesitant tone. "Just so you know, Magik was back." (Author's note: Back is in having returned to the DC universe for the first time since the story Girl's Night Out II) which took place a month ago local time.
A brief silence from Dick, then a comment. "We didn't get a Magik ping." Meaning the Justice League's detector that sensed the Tachyons burst of a Magik portal.
Barbara's voice was now her professional Oracle tone. "Nobody did. Which gives us confirmation that she can travel here without our knowing if she so chooses. I suppose this is her way of letting us know she can do that, without actually telling us."
"I bet Bruce has already plotted out at least five possible reasons for that. Should I head home?"
"No, Bruce gave me a ring and I listened in on their discussion for a bit. Apparently, it's only been a few days for her."
"Let me guess, he read her the Bat riot act, especially about Cassandra."
"Yep, and thankfully she was quite contrite so… likely no issues. She claims that she had no idea that the Chaos spell had spun out of control. Something about not noticing a hurricane when you're at the center."
Dick reflected upon that night. "Because she was under the influence."
"Yep, completely toasted to quote her."
"What about the Batmobile?"
The main Batmobile had had a little incident (little as in totaled), one that had required a front end rebuild and had resulted in three Top Gear bobble heads statues being affixed to the dashboard, bobble heads that could not be removed. More annoyingly, a highly suspicious series of coincidences had resulted in the Batman's frequent, and unwilling, use of the vehicle (Author's note, as recounted in the third chapter of Tango with Doom).
"She removed the statues." Stated Barbara. "Although she called them good luck totems."
A sigh of relief from Dick. "Good. I was almost afraid he was going to actually ask Zatanna to take a try at de-enchanting them, as often as that car jumped the line and showed up for him. Or else having Clark give it a try."
Barbara replied. "She gave a pfffff at the mention of Zatanna. I don't think she thinks much of her." Then a chuckle from Barbara. "And Clark never got a chance because he refused to tell Clark. The whole M word thing I suspect. And Magik, being magic, makes such things problematic. She claims that she had just remembered that she'd done that. Apparently, her hangover was beyond epic and her normal magical remedies didn't work. Bruce is… content I think in how his rebuke was received, but no need for you to show because I think that would just reopen the whole bobble head wound. Oh, she brought Cassandra a box of coconut dark chocolates as an apology. There was one rather disturbing comment."
"What?"
"She says that things don't usually get that crazy."
"Usually?"
"Yeah, like I said. Disturbing as to just what she might get up to."
"Ho-boy… So…I'll stay here the night, then finish up tomorrow and be home for supper."
A giggle from Barbara. "And my show…"
A wicked grin from Dick. "And your show."
A laugh from Barbara. "Any plans for the night?"
A glance from Dick at the guys. "Poker."
"Ha… have fun then, enjoy your Boys Night Out, I guess. I'll scream if anything bad enough happens."
"Okay, love you Babe."
"Likewise, stud."
With that Dick hung up and gave the boys a shout, laying a bit of a growl into his voice. "Looks like we're clear for the night, so… let's get the poker cards and chips out! I officially declare this to be Nightwing's Boyz' Night Out!"
Part 1c: Somewhere… somewhen
The bottle uncorked itself and somehow appeared to pause as if in wait of something… And as one, the group raised their glasses in a spontaneous toast. "To our Boyz' Night Out! A fun time for all in the group!"
Unnoticed in the cigar haze, the wine bottle suddenly breathed forth the lightest touch of glowing blue haze – and then so did their cups.
And elsewhere, a bottle was no longer present.
Part 1d: Character summary interlude
So, just who are da Boyz, as it were? Note that the histories are somewhat hard to put together due to the significant DC rewrites that have been done over the years, but here are brief summations extracted from Wikipedia.
Richard 'Dick' Grayson (Nightwing): The original Robin, but he decided to rebrand himself as Nightwing after he had been dismissed as Robin because he had been shot in the shoulder by the Joker, which scared Batman into finally ending Robin's career as his partner (leaving Dick and Bruce estranged for years of story writing). Seeking emancipation, Dick moves out of the mansion and joined the Teen Titans. Years later he returns to Gotham (with lots of issues with Bruce), reunited with Barbara (former Batgirl) whom he marries and finally reconciled with Bruce.
Oliver Queen (Green Arrow): Wealthy businessman and owner of Queen Industries, he is also a well-known celebrity in Star City. He uses this position to hide the fact that he is the Green Arrow. Sometimes shown dressed like the character Robin Hood, Green Arrow is an archer who uses his skills to fight crime in his home cities of Star City and Seattle, as well as alongside his fellow superheroes as a member of the Justice League. He deploys a range of trick arrows (in contemporary times, they are referred as "specialty arrows") with various special functions, such as glue, explosive-tipped, grappling hook, flash grenade, tear gas and even kryptonite arrows for use in a range of special situations. At the time of his debut, Green Arrow functioned in many ways as an archery-themed analogue of the Batman, but he has subsequently developed into a voice of left-wing politics very much distinct from Batman. LordGrise notes: Green Arrow is not used in Chris Dee's Cat-Tales; his version as used here is the classic DC Comics version, lightly retouched.)
Garfield Logan (Beast Boy): As a young child, Garfield Logan lived with his scientist parents in Africa, who were developing "reverse evolution" to bring back extinct creatures. Garfield contracted a rare illness called Sakutia, which is lethal to every species except the West African green monkey. To save his life, his father used an untested mutative serum to change Garfield into a West African green monkey for 24 hours so that the virus could die out. The serum had the unintended effect of turning his skin, eyes, and hair green and granting him the ability to metamorph into any animal of his choice. He later joins the Teen Titans. He tends to be bit of a wise cracker and likes jokes, plus he's a major comic collector (Marvel comics are just that in the DC universe).
Beast Boy has the ability to morph and transform into any animal that he has seen himself or has seen in an illustration (as is the case when he shapeshifts into an animal such as an extinct dinosaur or a funny animal). These transformations take only a second and Beast Boy has demonstrated that he is capable of rapidly changing his form with little or no effort expended. As a corollary to this power, he can transform back into his default form if an external force like magic transforms him into an animal. His power enables him to completely alter his body mass, being able to take the shape of animals far larger and heavier than himself, such as an elephant, a hippopotamus, or a Tyrannosaurus rex (though such larger forms physically exhaust him), or smaller and lighter animals such as mice, arachnids and insects. As a result of his rapidly changing genetic structure and mass, Beast Boy has an increased healing factor comparable to that of the Creeper and Deathstroke, allowing him to heal from bullet wounds, burns, and broken bones in a matter of seconds, and even re-grow entire limbs. He cannot change or return to a form if the space he occupies is too small and he cannot normally break the confines.
Victor Stone (Cyborg): Victor's story begins when he is visiting his parent's lab where experiments in inter-dimensional access were performed. At that moment of his entry, an aggressive gelatinous creature was accidentally pulled through and Victor's mother was killed and Victor was severely injured by its attack before his father was able to send it back to its native dimension. With his wife dead and his son mutilated, unconscious and near death from the incident, Silas was driven to take advantage of prototype medical prosthetic research he has access to in order to treat Victor. Unfortunately, Victor only regains consciousness after the extensive artificial limbs and implants were installed in his body without his consent. Victor was horrified at the discovery of the metallic components, which involve most of the left side of his head and face, and raged that he would rather have died than be such a victim of his father's manipulations (which caused him issues for years). When Raven assembles the Teen Titans, Victor joined initially for the benefit of a support group of kindred spirits and freaks, and has remained with that group ever since (which allowed him over the years to adjust what was done to him).
Large portions of Victor Stone's body have been replaced by advanced mechanical parts (hence the name Cyborg) granting him superhuman strength, speed, stamina and flight. His mechanically-enhanced body, much of which is metallic, is far more durable than a normal human body. Cyborg's internal computer system can interface with external computers. Other features include an electronic "eye" which replicates vision, but at a superhuman level. His mechanical parts contain a wide variety of tools and weapons, such as a grappling hook/line and a finger-mounted laser. Perhaps his most frequently-used weapon is his sound amplifier (often referred to as his "white sound blaster" in the comic books; the Teen Titans animated series calls it a "sonic cannon") which can be employed at various settings either to stun the ears of his foes or to deliver concentrated blasts of sound potent enough to shatter rock or deform steel.
Tim Drake (Red Robin): Tim Drake is the son of Jack Drake and Janet Drake, coming from the same social class as Bruce Wayne. By the age of nine, Drake exhibited a genius level intellect and had deduced the identities of Batman and Robin as Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson, after witnessing a gymnastic move by Robin that he previously seen Grayson display in the Flying Graysons. Inspired by the heroes' exploits, Tim trained himself in martial arts, acrobatics, detective skills, and scholastics to better himself both physically and intellectually. When Tim reached the age of thirteen, he saw that Batman had grown reckless and violent following the second Robin (Jason Todd)'s murder by the Joker. After his mother's death and his father's paralysis, Drake decided to intervene and Batman eventually enlisted him as the third Robin, known as the Red Robin.
Wally West (Kid Flash): Wally's primary superpower is his ability to control the speed with which his body vibrates and to move and to think at super speed, which he uses primarily to run at super-human velocities. This super speed is derived from his mainline-connection to the Speed Force: a vaguely defined extra-dimensional and infinite energy source from which most speedster heroes gain their powers. Wally consistently competes for the title of "fastest Flash" against the originator of the Speed Force, Barry Allen who constantly regains his speed throne with each new iteration of the Flash.
Part 1e: I see your bet and raise you five
"Magik was back in town again?" Inquired Victor as the chips and cards were placed on the table and the remains of the food moved to a side table for periodic snacking.
Dick's voice had a tone of thanks. "Yeah, thank God, and has left, with those damn bobble heads."
"Darn it, I loved those things." Laughed Oliver. "Bruce would just glare at them as he drove, and glower at you if you played with the buttons. Loved Clarkson shouting 'POWER!'"
Tim added. "May yelling 'Carkson! You Complete Prat!' was fun."
Dick remembered a question that he had been meaning to ask.
"So how did the Two Cellos concert go, with Magik that night?" Inquired Dick of Garfield. The night being the second time Magik came to Gotham (see Arkham Asylum for details, the first Illyana DC story).
Garfield preened a tad. "It went well. We'd gotten the tickets a few weeks ago. Good seats, and we had two spares as you never know if there might be a late comer. Not that we'd been planning on Illyana showing but, but the Bat has made the request that social events have spare room and he'd foot the bill."
Victor chimed in. "It's not like the Bat can't afford it."
A comment that had Garfield nodding sagely. "Yep, Bats is beyond loaded after all. So… Raven had made the call after Oracle had contacted us. Nice night. The fan base of the Two Chellos dudes is very highly female."
"And enthusiastic." Added Dick. Which earned him a few silent stares from other others before he emphasized. "What? Barbara likes the group, so we go to their concerts whenever they're in Gotham. Selina likes them as well."
Ollie injected. "Ah, okay. Thought that you'd turned in your man card there for a second."
Which caused a small round of masculinity themed insults to be exchanged between the group. Plus the observation that Ollie went to Barbra Streisand concerts so just who as the real eunuch ere.
"That so doesn't count." Laughed Ollie. "Back me up here Grayson, if your woman wants to do something, what is the proper response?"
"Sounds good to me, babe!" Grinned back Dick.
Garfield just had to shake his head in shame. "So…what's the proper word here..?"
"Whipped?" Asked Wally.
"Emasculated?" Injected Tim.
"Definitely emasculated. Balls and all." Replied Victor as he ashed his cigar.. "Just that smooth Ken grade groin from the Barbie dolls. Reduced to being just an accessory."
A comment that of course triggered some choice words, and laughter, as to who had the best costumed groin bulge . And a reminder from Dick as to just who had the fan web sited devoted to their ass (In Cat-Tales, the website HotWings! is a thing.)
Garfield returned to his story after the laughter died down. Ollie had asked who had gone to the concert. "Originally it was me, Raven, Jinx and Starfire. Illyana took one of the two spare tickets and Ravager decided to join in at the last moment. The show was good, like Dick said, the crowd was majority female and very enthusiastic. Man, those guys must be swimming in female company. So afterwards we ended up at the Monarch club chilling the rest of the night away. So… a fun night. One thing I definitely noticed. No real… call it fan attention when she hangs with you. Now I'm green..."
Garfield was interrupted by a bust of sarcasm from the group. "Really? No! Hadn't noticed. I didn't want to say anything. I'm color blind so I always thought you were black."
Garfield continued. "Yeah, yeah… such witty banter, what I was saying was that I'm green and it's hard to avoid attention or being noticed. But with her along on a social activity, it's like the press and everybody else takes the day off. Definite plus. Anyway, We, meaning the Titans, have done a few additional social events with her, even went to the BATS improve theater and then hung out at the cool whisky bar next door afterwards."
Dick slightly started. "I remember BATS, loved that place. I'd never seen improve theater before."
But that was that, time for the main event. Dick thought for a moment and then asked a question of the group. "You've all read your Magik Marvel summary briefings, right?"
A chorus of yeses from the group.
Dick continued as he shuffled the cards. "Okay, so far, she's refused to give any details as to how accurate our comic based knowledge is vs. her reality. However, she did bring that group of girls here that did have significant overlap on our intel. So… Here's a fun question based on that, who would you not want to party with from Marvel land, and I suppose who would you want to party with. Think about it as we play, one person per hand. So… having said that."
Dick dealt the cards. "Okay girls, time for another lesson from the master."
A statement that was answered by groans and raspberries from the group as to Dick's supposed skills at the game of Poker. Plus a few rude jokes about "Yeah he knows how to poke her, but not Poker."
With that another top up from the wine bottle, a bottle that nobody noticed was not getting empty.
HAND ONE
Garfield (Beast Boy) looked over his cards as he shifted his cigar from one corner of his mouth to the other without hands. "So… Who would I not want to party with from the Marvel universe, and who would I want…?" He said with no loss of clarity while doing so. He tossed down two cards and drew two. "I'd say that would be a big negatory on hanging out with the Hulk. I mean… yeah he's green, but chromatic solidarity only goes so far. I can just see it now…"
With that Garfield transformed into a large green gorilla and now spoke in a grunting kind of way. "Hulk best poker player ever. Grunt. Hulk never lose. Grunt. Hulk bet all! Grunt. WHAT? You have better hand then Hulk?! You cheat Hulk! Hulk Smash puny cheating insects!"
Garfield gave a huge roar and pantomimed smashing the table, then transformed back to his human form. "You just know he's probably an angry drunk, and anyway interacting with people who speak in the third person is annoying. And a show of hands on who thinks the Hulk would even know how to play poker."
No hands were raised but Tim did his own attempt at a Hulk impersonation. "Garfield not like Hulk? Hulk sad. And Hulk mad at being sad! Hulk smash puny Garfield!"
Which earned Tim a look from Garfield that just so said that Tim was making Garfield's point, then Garfield continued. "Now… on whom I'd like to interact with… let's just say the She Hulk looks like a fun gal."
"With really big breasts." States Oliver.
A grin from Garfield. "Really really really big green breasts."
"That can smash a car roof in." Observed Wally. "So I guess they're firm."
"And… a hand full." Smirked Victor, who was rather keen on the idea of the She Hulk, plus she had a big booty and Victor was an equal opportunity leg, butt, and boob man.
Wally laughed. "Handful? Dude, there is no way your hands are that big. I mean… we're talking basketball sized."
Victor just looked smug.
HAND TWO
Garfield did a few fancy shuffles before dealing the cards as Dick gave forth his opinion. "Captain America would be my selection of a bad choice."
"Too close to home?" Asked Wally.
Dick looked at his cards. "Yep. I mean, he's supposed to be physical perfection, a master strategic thinker, perfect in just about everything… You just know that he'd be a wet towel at a party, and always passing judgment. Call it daddy issues if you want to take the cheap shot, but naaa, so not hanging with him."
Oliver blew a smoke ring at Dick and grinned. "You're just concerned that he'd steal your crown of being the sexy hero three years running." Oliver felt that the sexy Robin Hood motif was grossly unappreciated by the voters. Why… he had a blond beard! That should be worth something!
"Or that his ass would be better." Quipped Garfield. Nightwing was the only hero that had an actual website devoted to photos his ass (gospel per Cat-tales).
Now it was Dick's turn to be smug. "That ass has broken the hearts of millions."
A comment that prompted laughter from all present as Dick grinned in slight embarrassment. "Okay, that could have been better phrased."
"Who's your choice for hanging out with?" Asked Tim.
Dick's answer was very correct in that he was a married man and one must always be careful about such statements. "I'd go with Spider-man. Witty banter, acrobatic, and he's also married." A comment that got him jeers for the rest of the hand.
HAND THREE
Oliver looked over his cards that Victor had dealt. "Okay, my non pick is Hawkeye. Last guy I want to hang with is another archery hero. I bet that he'd want to trade arrows with me, likely! Damn, I still say Marvel owes me royalties - they so copied me for that character."
"Doesn't he always die?" Asked Victor.
"Like every twenty issue or so I think." Answered Tim.
"Common gimmick for many group teams." Adds Garfield. "Kill off a team member, and in most cases the non powered characters are the easiest ones to off. Then you can have them come back in a special series or some issue number one relauch. Or a clone, if a clone of somebody shows up there's a good chance that the clone is toast within five issues, usually some heroic sacrifice, or the clone turns villain, I think that happens a whole bunch."
"Proof that Oliver the Wise speaks wisdom." Smirked Oliver. "Take heed youngsters, nuggets of golden knowledge spew forth from my lips."
Laughter from the group and more then a few comments about other things that had spewed from Oliver's lips, and where else he might drop nuggets from.
After tossing three cards and drawing three more, Oliver gave his positive choice. "Black Widow. Baby got back, and an impressive broadside, or bra side, shall I say."
Hoots of agreement from the others as to Oliver's choice as Dick issued a challenge. "But do you have the balls to say that in front of Diana?"
Olive put down a full house and claimed the round. "Dick, Dick, Dick, my beloved friend…" which caused laugher at the possible other meaning (and a raspberry from Nightwing.) Oliver drew in smoke and sent forth another smoke ring. "Anybody who had the balls to say that in front of Diana will shortly lack said balls."
HAND FOUR
Victor briefly glared at his hand before remembering that this was poker and he was swimming with sharks. "I think hanging with the Fantastic Four would suck. Richard's appears to be a classic smart guy dick, Johnny is just the kind of guy you want to punch, the whole Thing issue that the Thing has just never ends and Sue looks annoying." He picked up his cigar and drew it back to full ignition just in time.
Garfield was in agreement. "Yeah, Reed is always shown as being smart but rather dumb when it comes to social issues, who married a blonde hottie who's obviously into older men, and somewhat a complainer. God, so many stories have Reed being a dick and ignoring his family while Sue is off complaining about it."
"Douchebag." Was Oliver's comment. "The Human Torch is a Douche. I'm sure he's fun to party with, but you know he's going to do something completely stupid, and likely try to steal somebody's girl. Talk about a guy who appears to think with his dick."
Victor was likewise not enamored with the idea. "I get the Thing's problem, I really get it. But… dude, give it a beak. Plus, it would be a bitch to play poker with him! I mean… how do you read a tell on a rock?"
The other sharks all agreed that reading a rock would be hard, and unanimously did not comment about a certain card-counting Cyborg.
A Cyborg who won the hand as he totally gulled them all with a false tell. Victor commented as he racked in his winnings. "Now… a fun dude to hang with would be Hercules, or maybe Thor. You just know those guys can drink and know how to party."
"Ass Guard." Said Tim.
Looks from the others so Tim explained. "I said Asgard at the pizza party we had and Magik just sniffed and said Ass Guardians."
Okay… some thought and then the group consensus was that Hercules was likely more fun as Ass Guard statement made them suddenly concerned.
HAND FIVE
Tim plotted his strategy as he discarded only one card. "Odd that nobody's mentioned any of the X-Men. Based upon his publishing history, I'd have to pick Havok as being a horrible choice to spend any time with. And I suppose Rachel Summers and whatever code name she's using this year, month, or week."
A musing look on Garfield's face, Tim had been a comic collector in his youth. "I see Havok, but why Rachel?"
Tim answered. "Daddy issues. Mommy issues. Kitty issues. Gay issues. Dead family issues. Jealousy issues. Mental issues. Girl just has endless ongoing issues. The writers never really did figure out what to do with her after Jean came back, just another surplus redhead."
Garfield had an answer. "Hope."
Tim looked appalled. "No… Dear God no. She would be the worse."
Looks of confusion from the others prompted Tim and Garfield to tag team explain that… "She's a knock off of a knock off of a knock off... Pretty much the 4th generation of Jean… Not to mention she's dressed like she is bounty hunter from Star Wars... And IMO the only memorable thing she did was punch the Scarlet Witch in the face… Completely lame, total editorial push and the fans just hated her… Just an annoying plot-device… She's a God Mode Sue plot device that is a huge detriment to literally every story she's involved in… The suck is strong in that one, and not the good kind of suck… The character assassination done to Bishop was Hell… The biggest, the one and only, complete failure that this character represents to me is that she is only here to be a thing. She is the almost literal Deus Ex Machina contrived by Marvel to write them out of the corner created by House of M and her influence has been felt through Messiah Complex, Second Coming, Schism and AvX. The entire reason for her character isn't like Wanda, Jean or David. She wasn't there to be a character first and a plot device second. She was always the celebrated Mutant Messiah and in response, when she's around, the people we've been reading about for a lot longer, the characters we love and grew up with take a back seat to this irritating, self righteous Jean Grey Knock-Off… Complete Mary Sue, In AvX, she evades the best scanning equipment the Avengers and X-Men can put together using some battery powered thing she hobbles together, from I kid you not, an Fing Radio Shack…"
Yes, neither Tim or Garfield had liked her. The others just looked a bit bemused at the negativity.
Tim then switched gears. "Now I think the New Mutants would be fun to hang with. They appear much more realistic, I bet they'd do a kegger in a heartbeat."
"Even Rahne?" Asked Garfield.
Tim gave it some thought. "Naaa, ditch Rahne, and Karma, and Magma for that matter. All of those three are wet blankets for a fun time."
"Boom-Boom?" Asked Garfield.
"Ummmm…." Mused Tim. "She's fun… but rather… random. I'd give her a chance."
Oliver summed up the general consensus of the table. "You two read way too many comic books."
HAND SIX
Wally tossed four cards and drew four more. "Okay… Wolverine would suck to hang with."
Dick inquired. "Pray tell why?"
Wally went on. "He can out drink anybody, out fight anybody, out whore anybody, most girls appear to dig him, and you can just tell he's a dick. Plus, would you want to play poker with him with his senses?"
"No… that would suck." Commented Tim.
"And your positive choice?" Prompted Dick.
Wally held up his IPod and hit play. Girls , Girls, Girls from Motley Cree played.
Friday night and I need a fight
My motorcycle and a switchblade knife
Handful of grease in my hair feels right
But what I need to get me tight are those
Girls, girls, girls
Long legs and burgundy lips
Girls, girls, girls
Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip
Girls, girls, girls
Red lips, fingertips
Trick or treat, sweet to eat
On Halloween and New Year's Eve
Yankee girls you just can't be beat
But you're the best when you're off your feet
…
…
Wally turned off the IPod. "Way too much sausage fest choices from some of you. I'd pick Rogue as she's a total babe, with her able to control her powers, Emma Frost, with her super cleavage powers, Psylocke with her cleavage and booty powers, the Stepford Cuckoos because why not have a set of blonde triplets running around, and I suppose one or two more fems."
"No Storm?" Asked Oliver.
"Naa… too MILFY."
"And the White Queen isn't?" Asked Garfield. "And she's a telepath, her cleavage is not a super power."
"Works with her, right kind of MILFY. And Garfield, good cleavage is always a super power, with her looking like that there is no need to read my mind. What can I say, young innocent boy like me, and experienced older woman like her looking for something young and able to go the distance…"
Dick sighed. "Did you even bother to read what and who they are, or did you just pick the attractive ones?"
"Went with the pictures, the ones' with the big…" Started Wally.
"The Cuckoos are not so well equipped." Pointed out Tim and Garfield at the same time as they interrupted Wally.
"Triplets." Was Wally's smug answer.
Dick just groaned. "They're all – "
"Telepaths!" "Top-level telepaths!" Came from the afore-mentioned comic book aficionados.
Wally was still smug. "Blonde sexy triplets, again, no need to read my mind."
"No Jean Grey?" Asked Oliver in the momentary hush.
"See MILFY, and not the good kind." Answered Wally. "Plus they have way more lesbians and bi sexual girls so… this bad boy would be looking for some fun hookups. After all, I am the best at what I do, and what I do is very nice"
Various derogatory comments that mostly revolved around the name Flash and how two seconds was likely a long time for him. Comments that he silenced by holding up his right finger and just started vibrating it.
Vmmmmmmmmm.
Then pulsations and other throbbing. VmMMMmmmMMMMMmmmMMMMM
"Okay dude, we get it." Was Victor's comment, but Wally was not done, now his whole hand was vibrating and then his body.
VmmmMMMmmmMMMmMMMmmmmMMMMM.
"We get it man, chill. And don't every do that around any of my girlfriends." Injected Garfield. A feeling silently echoed by all.
It was a good night as more hands were played, right until all of their phones rang with the same ring tone
t's poetry in motion
She turned her tender eyes to me
As deep as any ocean
As sweet as any harmony
Mmm - but she blinded me with science
"She blinded me with science!"
And failed me in biology
Yeah-eah!
…
…
It was from the song She Blinded Me With Science by Thomas Dolby.
That's when the lights went out…