"So… why are we dog-sitting for Quill, again?" Rhodey asked, as he and Happy Hogan joined Tony on the landing pad to await the arrival of the Guardians of the Galaxy's spaceship.
"Because he promised to take Nebula with them on this mission of theirs," Tony replied, and both men made sounds of sudden comprehension.
After the Snap had been reversed, Nebula had decided to remain on Earth rather than go travelling on a small spaceship with a sister who had no knowledge of everything they'd been through and didn't trust her anymore. Well, she hadn't said that specifically, but it was fairly obvious to anyone with eyes that 2014 Gamora's attitude hurt her.
The only problem was that Nebula had no idea about literally anything on Earth, and her way of finding out how to do things was to stare very intensely at the person who happened to be doing the thing. Nebula didn't blink anymore, so her intense was very intense, and – unsurprisingly – it made a lot of people very uncomfortable.
This mission would give everyone a bit of a break and, hopefully, help Nebula to rebuild the bond with this version of her sister.
"Perhaps a better question," Happy said, "is when did Quill get a dog? And where did he get it from?"
Rhodey pointed his finger at Happy. "That is a good question," he said, and they turned expectantly to Tony. "I hope you have a good answer."
Tony shrugged at them. "I don't have any answer, not even a bad one," he informed them. "It was news to me, too, and the only name Quill gave me translated as gibberish… At least," he added, frowning, "I think it was a name…"
FRIDAY announced the ship's entry into the atmosphere, and all three men looked up. There was a small speck that swiftly grew larger and larger, until the Guardians' ship was hovering overhead.
The door began to slide open when they were still at head height, and Tony, Rhodey and Happy exchanged concerned glances as the sounds of a commotion drifted downwards.
"No, what are you doing?" they could hear Quill bellowing. "You're gonna let him out!"
"Out is where he belongs!" somebody else – presumably Gamora, since the voice was female and Mantis never raised her voice – yelled back. "We should have opened the door before we even entered the atmosphere! Or, better yet, never let that thing on board at all!"
"Uh-oh," said Rhodey, quietly, just as a blur of grey muscled the door the rest of the way open and leapt to the ground.
"Hufn, no!" Quill shouted, sternly, from the open doorway. "Heel! Bad dog!"
Tony was not ashamed to admit that the three of them screamed and scrambled backwards. Happy was swearing up a storm and scrambling for his concealed gun, Rhodey was frantically yelling for FRIDAY to bring him the War Machine armour, and Tony himself was already half-covered in his Bleeding Edge armour.
Hufn… was a velociraptor.
Deadly front claws, long sharp teeth, beady intelligent eyes and all.
"What the hell, man?" Rhodey was yelling back up at Quill, his armour finally arriving and wrapping around him. The velociraptor cocked its head to watch with interest. "I thought you were supposed to be bringing a dog!"
"He is a dog," Quill responded, as the ship finally touched down on the ground. He hurried towards the – Tony couldn't believe the word was even passing through his mind – dinosaur and clipped a length of short chain to the collar Tony hadn't even noticed it was wearing. "He's a bad dog," Quill added, to the velociraptor, firmly. "He knows he's supposed to wait for my signal."
Tony pointed one of his repulsors at the thing, which seemed to both bare its teeth at him and shrink back as the weapon powered up. "Quill," he said, in what he considered to be an admirably calm tone of voice under the circumstances. "I know it's been a couple decades since you were on Earth, but surely to god you should recognise a god damn dinosaur when you see one!"
Quill rested a hand on top of the velociraptor's head, and it slowly lowered itself to the ground, its eyes never leaving Tony's hand, where the repulsor shone brightly. "I know what he looks like, and I had trouble with it, too, at first, but this is what dogs look like on the planet Sogpejhsbnt." The sound he made at the end sounded vaguely like someone trying to sneeze whilst sticking their tongue out. Tony couldn't see Rhodey's expression, but he could see Happy's well enough – the man's eyebrows were threatening to fly off his forehead.
"He's a good dog, normally," Quill continued, idly scratching the top of the creature's head. The reptile leaned into his touch, its eyes sliding halfway closed in pleasure. Tony did not trust that look in the least. There was no way the velociraptor wasn't fully aware of where all of them were and what they were doing. "He's just super excited to be somewhere new, aren't you, boy?" cooed Quill.
"He's an overgrown lizard that's making a mess of my damn ship," Rocket grumbled from somewhere still inside the ship. The walking raccoon appeared briefly in the ship's doorway, holding something in his paws that Tony couldn't see. "Look what he did! He used it as a chew toy! Do you know how expensive this is to replace?"
"Oh relax," retorted Quill, rolling his eyes. "You'll be able to buy a hundred of 'em once we finish this mission. Which…" He glanced around the landing pad. "Where's Nebula?" he asked. "We gotta get going, or we're gonna be late."
Rhodey's entire head turned towards Tony, and Tony just bet his best friend was giving him the most deadpan 'late? What the fuck, man?' look ever.
"I'm here," Nebula herself called out from behind them. She strode across the landing pad and didn't even glance down at the velociraptor as she approached the ship. The animal turned its head to follow her progress but made no move to rise up.
Tony slid his faceplate up, to give Quill the full force of his unimpressed glare. "Look, there's no way we're keeping a velociraptor here for who knows how long while you're off gallivanting in space," he informed Quill. "The deal's off; you can just take it with you."
Quill slid a sideways glance at them from the corner of his eye, and the corner of his mouth twisted up into a smirk. "Well," he said, slowly, "Hufn here usually sleeps in the room Nebula uses, so if he goes, then she can't 'cause we've got nowhere else to put her. So either Hufn stays here… or Nebula does."
There was a pause as the three Earth men considered this, Rhodey sliding his own faceplate up to exchange looks with them. Tony sighed. There really wasn't any choice in the matter.
"C'mere, Fido," he said, reluctantly, reaching for the chain Quill still held.
Pepper was going to absolutely kill him.
…Unless the velociraptor ate them all first.