TW: References to Shooting + Gunshot Wound, Mental Health Issues, Self-Destructive Tendencies
Everyone else is writing angsty stories about 4x13, so here I am.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate you.
The moment Eddie woke up, his thoughts raced to Buck.
His memory was spotty at best, but he knew what happened. He'd been talking to a paramedic when a shot rang through the air. Before anyone could react, it went through Eddie's shoulder.
Buck had been standing only a few feet away from him.
Eddie remembered his jaw being stuck in place. He remembered trying to convince Buck he was okay through his stare, although he doubted it brought any relief. Blood – Eddie's blood – had been all over Buck's face and clothes.
Despite his injury, Eddie didn't envy Buck's position. Gunshot wounds hurt, but they were nothing compared to watching a bullet rip through a friend. It was one of the first lessons he'd learned while he was deployed.
After clearing his throat, Eddie slowly opened his eyes. His gaze darted around the room, desperate to find Buck, but he was nowhere in sight. The only other person in the room was a worried-looking Ana Flores.
He should've been comforted by his girlfriend's presence, but she didn't bring him any solace.
If Ana noticed his disappointment, she didn't mention it. "Hey," she murmured, gently taking his hand. "How're you feeling?"
Even though he knew who was there and who wasn't, Eddie took another look. Considering how blurry his vision was, they probably had him on something strong. Maybe he missed Buck somehow.
He hadn't.
Ana squeezed his hand. "What is it? What do you need?"
He should've needed her, but Eddie didn't even want her in the room. She wasn't the one who'd witnessed everything go down. She wasn't the one who watched him the entire time, carrying the same blank expression he'd been wearing.
"—Buck?" he choked out. His voice sounded like it had just gone through a garbage disposal.
Without a word, Ana grabbed a small cup with a bendy straw. She held it out for him, letting Eddie take a few sips.
She didn't say anything until the cup was back on the table. "They only want one person with you at a time. Do you want me to get him?"
He should've hesitated, but Eddie was already nodding. She had to understand why it was so important, right? He talked about Buck all the time, and she must've seen him in the waiting room. Knowing him, he probably wasn't doing all that well.
Considering what he just went through, how could he be? The physical pain Eddie felt was keeping the trauma at bay, but Buck didn't have that luxury. Eddie needed to be sure he wasn't going off the deep end.
With a smile that didn't quite reach her cheeks, Ana moved her hand and stood up. She was just about to leave when Eddie reached out for her wrist.
Ana glanced back at him, a small amount of hope shimmering in her eyes. It almost made Eddie change his question.
"Is everyone else okay?" he requested. Buck might've been his first priority, but he wasn't the only person he needed to check on. "Does Chris know?"
"They're all safe," Ana answered, her shoulders sinking. "And Chris knows. He was here earlier, but Carla took him home."
Eddie released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. "Thank you." He dropped Ana's wrist, offering her a small smile.
"Of course," Ana added. She leaned down, pressing a kiss to Eddie's forehead before exiting the room.
As soon as he was alone, his mind tried to wander. He didn't let it. Every time he was close to a memory, Eddie pulled himself back. He wouldn't allow himself to fully process everything until he was sure his family was okay. No matter what happened, they would always come first.
Eddie watched the clock. Exhaustion was starting to catch up with him, and the tiny clicks from the second-hand weren't helping. If Buck didn't show his face soon, Eddie wouldn't be able to stop himself from falling asleep. He needed to hurry up.
Looking away from the device, he glanced over to the window facing the ICU. He was expecting to see nurses and doctors rushing by, but he was met with a different sight.
Buck was standing right near the glass. His head was down, and he was covering his mouth with his left hand.
He was trying to hide what was going on, but his shaking shoulders gave him away. Buck had fallen apart in the middle of the hallway, only a few feet away from Eddie's room. Instead of coming in and taking a seat, he was lingering outside and attempting to deal with it on his own.
Buck clearly wasn't watching him, but Eddie shook his head in disbelief anyway.
His best friend's hair was still stained red, but he'd at least changed into a new set of clothes. His skin wasn't coated in blood anymore either, but it looked raw and irritated. Almost like he'd scrubbed off several layers.
Knowing Buck's past with self-destructive behaviors, Eddie's heart sank. It wasn't an almost; it was reality. The only thing he didn't know was if it was intentional or not.
Eddie needed to get his attention, but he didn't know how to. It wasn't like he could stand up and open the door for him. Glancing back at his surroundings, he tried to find something he could use.
The only thing near him was the plastic cup Ana offered him earlier. Eddie thought about throwing it, but he didn't want to risk scaring Buck.
Having zero other choices, Eddie resorted to staring him down through the window.
After a few dreadful minutes, Buck finally looked up. As soon as he realized he'd been caught, all Eddie could see was guilt.
Normally, Buck's next step would be shoving his emotions deep into his chest. However, when he walked in, his grief was still wildly evident. It completely threw Eddie off. He was usually able to predict Buck's reactions, but his most recent ones were somewhat out of character.
The blank stares at the scene. The breakdown in the hallway. The lack of a mask now. What was going on inside that head of his?
Eddie decided not to mention what he saw. "You look worse than I do," he quipped.
It was a poor joke, but it got a small laugh out of Buck. He sat down in the chair Ana had been in, then scooted closer to the bed.
For a few minutes, neither of them said anything. Eddie's eyes were on Buck, but Buck was gazing at his shaking hands. Between the two of them, the room held so much misery. Eddie found it almost unbearable, but Buck—
A strangled noise left his throat, and his hand shot back up to his mouth. Eddie's concern skyrocketed.
"Talk to me, Buck," Eddie quietly requested. It had to be about what happened, but his thoughts could've taken him down a thousand different roads. Eddie couldn't help him until he pinpointed the right one.
Buck took a short breath. "I didn't think— I didn't think Ana was going to let me see you."
Shock and confusion settled over Eddie's features. It was doubtfully the only reason he was struggling, but it shouldn't have been a reason at all.
"Why wouldn't she? She knows you're family." Eddie made sure of that. Buck would always have a place at his home. Nothing they went through would ever change that.
"I nee— I wanted to be the one sitting with you," Buck whispered. "But she insisted you'd want to see her first."
Buck's explanation only brought more questions. As he tried to decipher them, Eddie glanced away.
He'd only been dating Ana for a couple of months, but he'd known Buck for several years. His girlfriend knew that. He couldn't imagine her dismissing his closest friend's wishes like that, especially when Buck was with him when he was shot.
In her defense, most people wanted their partners by their bedside. It wasn't her fault that Eddie wasn't most.
Because even if Buck hadn't been there, Eddie still would've wanted to see him first. Buck's worst fear was losing the people he cared about. When someone important to him went through a close call, he needed reassurance.
He understood Ana might've needed it too, but Buck… Chris was with him during the tsunami. His sister went through several life-threatening situations. He'd watched Eddie go down twice. Their situations just weren't the same.
Eddie turned his head, looking back towards Buck. "The moment I woke up, I asked for you."
His words seemed to calm Buck down a little. Knowing him, he was probably waiting for Eddie to disagree with him. Sometimes, his brain played such sick tricks on him. The idea that his girlfriend made it worse made his blood boil, even though he knew it wasn't all that fair.
"I'm so sorry," Buck admitted quietly. He finally lifted his head, locking eyes with Eddie. "I tried getting to you sooner, but I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe, and I wasn't even the one who got hurt."
Buck was all over the place, but his apology was the one thing Eddie expected. He always asked for forgiveness for things out of his control. Eddie wished he could break the habit, but it seemed to be permanently instilled in him. It was the cost of so many people blaming him for problems he didn't cause.
Eddie was in a hospital bed, fuzzy on painkillers because of a gunshot wound, and he was thinking about yelling at his best friend's parents. It should've been disconcerting, but to him, it made perfect sense. Buck was always on his mind.
Buck was sitting by his good side, so Eddie moved his arm and reached out his hand. He seemed hesitant, but Buck gently rested his over Eddie's. Eddie didn't have a lot of strength left, but he used what he had to squeeze his hand.
"I know you can't be apologizing to me right now," Eddie grumbled. "Cause you saved my life back there." He wasn't aware of what happened after he closed his eyes, but he knew Buck was the reason he survived. They promised to have each other's backs, and they both took that promise seriously.
It wasn't debatable, but Buck didn't appear convinced. Eddie wasn't going to let it slide.
"You could've gotten hurt," he reminded him. Eddie hadn't been the sniper's only target. They'd attempted to shoot Buck too, and Eddie hadn't missed it. "And you think I would've reacted any differently? Buck, if I saw you like that…"
Except, Eddie pretty much had. It just wasn't a bullet; it was a bomb. The explosion pinned Buck underneath a firetruck. He easily could've died that day. It was a couple of years ago, but Eddie still had nightmares about it.
He suddenly felt sick, along with sorry. Buck shouldn't have been there. He was someone who held onto things. Someone who'd already been through multiple disasters. Someone who was just starting to feel okay again. He didn't deserve to lose the progress he'd made.
With his free hand, Buck covered their connected ones. It pulled Eddie back.
"Everyone's out there," Buck eventually voiced. He didn't sound all that happy about it. "I know Bobby really wants to see you."
After what happened, Eddie wanted to see everyone too. He did, but Buck didn't seem like he was ready to leave.
He knew their teammates would understand.
"No," Eddie murmured. "Stay."
Buck held onto Eddie's hand a little tighter. His way of saying thank you.
If the bed had been just a little bigger, he would've invited Buck up. If Ana saw, she definitely wouldn't have appreciated it, but hospital chairs were the worst. He'd been in Buck's spot enough times to know.
Besides their breathing, the only sound left in the room was the second-hand on the clock. Eddie's eyelids drooped. Knowing Buck was safe, he allowed them to fall shut.
Right before he went under, a small whisper brought him back. "You're going to be okay, right?"
Against his body's wishes, Eddie slowly opened his eyes again.
Buck didn't even try to hide his guilt. "I'm sorry. You were just— There was so much…" he trailed off. He didn't need to finish his sentences; Eddie understood.
"I'm not ready to lose you, Eddie."
Even half-asleep, Eddie could sense his rising panic. He offered Buck a tired smile, hoping his calmness would rub off on him. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to worry about that, alright? I'm right here."
Eddie's words worked the way he wanted them to. Buck was still tense, but his shoulders relaxed. "Okay," he whispered. Eddie's smile grew a little wider.
Eddie didn't realize he was staring until Buck spoke up. "You can go to sleep. I'm not going anywhere either."
With a short nod, he shut his eyes again. Within a minute, he was out.
Buck stayed with him, his head eventually resting against the bed. When he went under, their hands were still connected.
They were in different stages of grief, but that was okay. They'd get through them together. Just like they always did.