Usual Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek Voyager or anything associated with it, Paramount does!

Healing

She'd maintained a brave, forgiving stance all the rest of her shift on the bridge that day. The day of the brainwashed Maquis rebellion. Right on her own ship. On Voyager.

She sat down on the couch now, wrapped a nearby shawl around her shoulders, and pulled her legs up under her to try and hold it all in. She continued to consciously focus on putting it all behind her, but the fresh memory continued to swamp her in choking waves and threaten to drag her down into its murky depths.

Consider this a test of your loyalty. It's set to kill.

You said you wouldn't hurt anyone!

Time seemed to move too slowly as she watched Tuvok grasp the weapon and examine it. She didn't even know what she was saying, only that she was desperately pleading with him to take back control and not to fire that phaser. He aimed, holding it towards her for the longest time it seemed. Fear was controlling her every atom as she stared into his unwavering Vulcan stoicism. She couldn't breathe, couldn't feel, couldn't move; finally, she couldn't even plead anymore. Then, there was a small, harmless flash from the barrel. She dropped her gaze to the floor, heart pounding so hard she wasn't sure she could stand anymore on her own.

You passed.

He'd passed. She was walking numbly out the ready room doors again, unaware of anything but the solid presence of the guards on either side of her…

The captain shot up off of the couch quickly, taking in short, ragged gasps. The room spun wildly, and her vision blurred with thousands of small black dots as her head pounded. Too rapid. Breathe, Kathryn, breathe. Deep breaths.

"Deep breaths," a voice echoed her thoughts. Someone stood beside her, and warm hands rested firmly on her shoulders to steady her.

"Tom!" she panted. "You should be with Belanna. She needs you. You shouldn't be here. Tom…" She shook her head helplessly.

"I am here," he said intently, "and right now, you need me. Belanna is so mad at herself that she doesn't want to see anyone right now. I tried, but she'll only talk when she's ready. I came here to see how you were, and the door was unlocked. So, I…uh…let myself in, and…you know," he gestured towards her to finish his sentence.

"I'm…touched, Tom. Really. But…I'm fine now. I'll be alright." She walked towards the window with a sigh. She hung her head in emotional defeat and closed her eyes. Somehow, she knew he wouldn't leave.

After a long pause of strained silence, he said slowly, "No, you're not fine. You're deeply hurt. I don't know what happened, and I'm not going to ask, but you definitely looked rattled just now. But, I get it. You're trained to hold back and bury everything under a cold, hardened Starfleet mask. You're embarrassed that you let it fall, even in private. I'm sorry if you're embarrassed that I saw it." He paused, and then added, "You know, I hated it when my father tried to mold me into the perfect Starfleet officer. I needed release, and Starfleet just didn't have room for that. No human being can hold back their emotions forever."

"It's not just that, Tom. You don't understand. You can't possibly begin to understand."

"Then tell me. What is it? You have a family all around you – and I'm a part of that."

"He told Tuvok to kill me." The words were so soft that Tom wasn't sure he heard them right. He stood in even more awkward, shocked silence, and she repeated the words more audibly, "He told Tuvok to kill me, and Tuvok obeyed. In my heart, I've already forgiven them. It wasn't their fault, and yet it was real. In that moment, it couldn't have been more frightening. The memory is still so fresh in my mind."

"Captain…" he tried, but she interrupted him

"Do you know what it's like to have a close friend suddenly turn their back on you, aim a phaser at your chest, and fire? To be stripped of your captaincy and be so painfully reminded that your ship is only as strong as the loyalty within it? But most of all, to forge two enemies into one crew over the years and then watch it fall apart so quickly?" She was facing him now, and he saw how icy and haunted the depths of her eyes were.

Tom spoke quietly, "Is there still an 'us' and 'them' after all this time together, right?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"There are a lot of people who are sitting in their quarters and wondering the same things. Captain, I do understand what you're saying. I faced down Belanna while trying to retake engineering, and I did get phasered, by my wife. There are plenty of people who felt betrayed then and probably still do now. There are plenty of others who are feeling guilty about something they couldn't control," he continued.

"I know, Tom," she said, voice trembling, "and that's why I can't let my own feelings come out. That's why I have to rely on the captain's mask. Without it, I would only make things worse for the rest of you. We were a family, but we've been torn apart, and I don't know if our family will ever be whole again. The two sides split after all these years. Relationships like yours have had a wedge driven deep into them. It's true that I've been shaken, and now, it's worse because…because I think I've failed to bring us back together as a family again. I don't know how to repair all those broken pieces."

"You haven't failed, Captain. Voyager's been more of a home and a family to me than anything I ever had back in the Alpha Quadrant, but part of being in a true family means that the healing has to come from every one of us, and it will. Just give it time." Kathryn nodded tearfully in silent agreement. Tom finished, "Anyways, I'm holding a movie night in the holodeck today. I'd like you to come if you're up to it. It'll be good for the crew to see you there."

"I'll be there," she said, drawing in a shaky, deep breath. "Thank you, Tom."

"You're welcome, ma'am," he smiled lightly. The doors opened and then closed, and he was gone again, but she knew he had left a piece of that healing with her in the silence that no longer echoed with broken nightmares.

Healing is a concerted effort on the part of all who have been broken. It is a willingness to love each other again and let reconciliation finish closing the wounds we've inflicted. The strongest family can only grow stronger with trial, whether internal or external. Thank you as always for reading and reviewing!