A/N: My first time writing for an X week! This one is for the Seireitei Discord server's IR Week 2021.
Prompt, day 1: I swore to myself just one kiss…just one time.
This fic's title is taken from the song of the same name by Leander Rising (featuring Sharon den Adel and Chris Broderick).
Rukia held out her hand. "Can you pass me the soul candy dispenser?" she asked from her spot on the floor. Ichigo had to know exactly where it was, he having been the one to set it on his desk just the night before. Still, he made a show of standing up, scanning the desk's surface, and moving a stack of his textbooks before taking the dispenser in his hand. He sat back down before holding it out to her, his hand hiding the rabbit head on its top end.
"Thanks," she said. She lifted the backpack resting on her folded legs and placed the dispenser in the front pocket.
"…You know you can just leave all that here," Ichigo said, bravado coating his tone like cheap paint. "There's no point bringing your stuff to Hat-n-Clogs's to convert it when you're just gonna come back."
Rukia turned her violet eyes on him, but they did not linger. "We've talked about this, Ichigo," she said, her hands rearranging the already neatly folded clothes in the backpack's main pocket. "Clean slate, remember?" She doubted he'd actually forgotten, but that didn't mean it was easy to wipe everything away.
Her clothes no longer serving a sufficient distraction, Rukia zipped up the backpack and glanced once around the room. "That's everything, right?" she said.
"Almost everything," Ichigo mumbled.
She sighed. "Ichigo, you won't fit in my backpack."
Despite himself, he cracked a smile. "Maybe we just need to get you one of those hiking packs. Load it up with a tent, some rations, and me, and you're ready to go anywhere."
Rukia laughed. "If you're coming with me, maybe you should be the one to carry the pack."
"Nope, everyone's gotta pull their weight."
"And yet I'm carrying yours as well?"
"Yup."
Rukia crossed her arms. "Lazy freeloader."
Ichigo stuck his tongue out at her. "Puny shrimp."
"Don't call me puny, idiot!"
"Don't call me an idiot, shrimpy!"
"You think that just because you're taller—"
"Ooh, poor Rukia, she can't do anything because she's so tiny—"
She knew bickering was about the worst thing they could do, but she didn't stop because it was also the best thing they could do: prolong the inevitable.
Knuckles lightly rapped on Ichigo's door, cleaving their efforts in two. "What?" Ichigo called out.
"Ichi-nii, it's almost time," Yuzu said, her voice muffled through the door. "You have about five minutes, and we still have to give Rukia-nee her present."
Rukia glanced at him warily. "Present?"
"They insisted," Ichigo whispered. "We're almost done in here," he said so Yuzu could hear. "Tell Goat-beard to control the waterworks, yeah?"
"Too late!" Light footsteps brought Yuzu away from the door and down the stairs.
They both sighed and glanced at each other, but immediately looked away when they realized what they were doing.
"We should, um, really get going," Rukia said, standing up and swinging the backpack over her shoulders. She moved over to Ichigo's closet and slid it open. "I think I took everything out…." Her eyes ran over her neatly made makeshift bed and the wall, which other than a few stray pieces of tape was bare.
She sighed deeply when warm hands set themselves on her shoulders. "Ichigo…" she said.
"You act like you didn't scour the closet yesterday," he said.
"It doesn't hurt to check—"
"Dammit, Rukia." Ichigo twirled her around so she was facing him; she looked anywhere but at him. "You don't have to do this. Renji doesn't have a sword to your neck this time, Byakuya isn't going to disown you, my dad and Yuzu have practically adopted you—"
"Ichigo, please don't," she said, her voice never rising.
"No, I think I will." Ichigo brought his face just before hers. "We can make it work. People do this all the time, and yeah, we have an extra step with the realms thing, but long distance won't kill us. It can't. We're better than that."
Rukia shook her head, still not looking at him. "Ichigo, I'm begging you, enough." She kept her voice soft lest it crack. "We decided to leave things before it got to that point, so why bother now? I'm leaving."
He spun away from her, one hand at his waist and the other raised to his forehead. He paced his room, from the desk to the bookshelf. "Rukia—" he began, but he cut himself off. At last, he stopped near the foot of his bed. "Rukia," he started again, "I get that you think this is best, and I've agreed, but…." His hands clenched into tight fists. "I need you to know you have an out, and I need to know that you know. If at any point you can't do it anymore, I'm here for you."
Rukia swallowed despite her constricting throat. How badly she wanted to tell him that she knew she'd always have a home at his side, and he at hers. But where they stood at all crushed their hopes.
Not that hopelessness had every swayed Kurosaki Ichigo.
Adjusting the straps of her backpack, Rukia turned back to the closet and closed it over. She walked past Ichigo and left the room without waiting for him, and she didn't hear his footsteps until she was already downstairs.
True to form, Isshin had thrown himself at Masaki's poster, moaning to her image how he was losing a daughter. Karin was seated at the table and yelling for him to grow up, though there wasn't nearly as much of her usual fire behind her efforts. Only Yuzu seemed at ease, fussing as she was over the bow on a small, flat box wrapped in orange and lilac paper.
"Isshin-san," Rukia said, a smile forming on her lips strictly out of practice. "You're acting as though something died."
Isshin turned his crocodile tears to her and sniffed loudly. "That's because something did die, Rukia-chan!" he said. He pointed an accusatory finger at her. "My dream of you becoming my daughter for real!" He threw himself once more at Masaki's picture, his sobbing picking up right where he left off.
Karin scoffed and crossed her arms. "You'd think we were never going to see you again," she said before her eyes darted over to Rukia. "You will visit, right?"
Rukia nodded. "Soon," she lied.
With a sigh, Yuzu picked up the flat box as Ichigo joined them in the kitchen. "Tou-san, I'm giving Rukia-nee her gift. Leave Kaa-san alone for a second?"
"Yeah, get in this, sob-fest," Ichigo said. He heaved his father away from the wall. "I'm not putting up with you throwing a tantrum because you didn't get the chance to say goodbye."
"Ah, that's my boy, looking after his daddy," Isshin said, ignoring his son's eyeroll. He sniffed once more and, straightening, instantly sobered.
Once Karin had stood from the table, Yuzu smiled at Rukia and presented her the box. "We know you have everything you need and more in the Soul Society, and a lot of stuff here can't really help you there, but we figured out something you can enjoy no matter where you are."
Rukia took the gift and smiled delicately. "You are too kind," she said. Her hands shook as she slipped a finger under the tape. "You didn't have to do this, really."
"We wanted to," Karin said, resting an elbow on her sister's shoulder. "Take it at that."
Rukia removed the gift from its wrapping and the box that held it steady: it was a framed photo of her and the Kurosaki family at a picnic Urahara had hosted some time ago. Entirely candid, the picture featured the top of Karin's head, her eyes hidden behind sunglasses but her arms raised on either side of the image as she snapped the photo. Behind her on the family's picnic blanket, Isshin was yelling at someone off camera, a sandwich in hand, and Yuzu was smiling directly at the camera, the only one who had noticed their picture was being taken. Almost at the photo's center sat Rukia and Ichigo, her left and his right hand overlapping on the blanket. She was reached for a slice of cucumber, but Ichigo's eyes were dead set on her, and on his face, of all things, was a smile. Pure bliss. Love she had seen but never dared accept.
Clutching the frame to her chest so she wouldn't have to look at the photo anymore, Rukia held out an arm to Yuzu. Wordlessly, she came forward and hugged her, and before long, Karin joined them, then Isshin, and lastly, Ichigo.
"We love you, Rukia-nee," Yuzu said quietly.
"You'll always be part of our family," Isshin said.
"Keep us in the loop, yeah?" Karin said.
"I'm gonna barf with you three," Ichigo said, effectively breaking up the group hug.
Chuckling as they pulled apart, Rukia swung her backpack off one shoulder and placed the picture frame inside it, nestling it between her clothes. "Thank you all," she said, looking between Yuzu, Karin, and Isshin. "You've always made me feel welcome. I've loved staying with you."
"Then stay forever!" Isshin said, immediately breaking into fresh tears. "We can set up a bed in Yuzu and Karin's room again! It's no big deal!"
Karin rolled her glassy eyes. "Tou-san, you know she sleeps with Ichigo—"
"That's enough from you," Ichigo said, grabbing Rukia's arm. "I'm sure she'll miss you all, but we gotta go."
Letting Ichigo lead her to the entryway, Rukia welcomed the distraction of putting on her shoes. Once they were outside, she turned to wave at the Kurosaki family. Isshin had his arm around Karin, who was trying and failing to keep her tears contained, though Yuzu was still smiling broadly.
"Goodbye!" Rukia called out, forcing herself to smile once more. "Take care!"
"Bye Rukia-nee!" Yuzu said. "We miss you already!" Hardly had the words left her mouth before her smile at last broke, and she threw herself at her father.
Putting his other arm around his second daughter, Isshin cleared his throat and turned serious eyes on Rukia. "I hope you find happiness on the other side," he said.
There was no elaboration, but his meaning was clear.
Turning away, Rukia walked with Ichigo to Urahara Shoten in silence. Twice Ichigo tried saying something, but both times he cut himself off without her even prompting him. What more could he say? She'd already accepted that nothing could keep her in the World of the Living, or convince her that their distance was nothing more than another Renji, another Sokyoku, another Aaroniero or Ulquiorra or Aizen or Ginjo or Yhwach who could try to separate them but never, ever succeed. They were more than that. They were fate.
Who was she to so audaciously oppose it?
You are wise, she told herself forcefully. You nipped this in the bud, and that is for the best.
They arrived at Urahara Shoten to find an empty store. They let themselves in, but it wasn't until they made it down to the underground training area that they found Urahara, alone. In unplanned unison, Ichigo and Rukia let out a sigh of relief at the small audience to her departure.
Only then did Urahara look up at them from where he was bent over the Senkaimon's control board. "Well, well, I sure wasn't expecting you two today," he said, flicking open his fan.
"You're not funny," Ichigo said. He looked around the training area. "No one else wanted to see Rukia off?"
"They said they'd already said goodbye," Urahara said, lightly fanning himself. "I also would've kicked them out because this operation takes the utmost care to perform." Just then, the Senkaimon's control board began to whine, and he unceremoniously kicked it.
Ichigo sighed. "Thanks, Hat-n-Clogs."
Rukia moved her backpack from her shoulders, ignoring her shaking hands. "Is everything ready?" she said.
Urahara nodded and gestured to the compartment at the control's base. "Put your stuff in there and we're ready to rock and roll whenever you are."
Moving carefully so as not to jostle the picture frame, Rukia set her backpack in the reishi converter. Gently she closed the compartment's door, and Urahara entered the command to convert the contents.
As she stood, a strong hand grabbed hers. She sighed gently, didn't even try to pull away. "Ichigo…."
"Look at me," Ichigo said.
Rukia glanced at Urahara; he was busying himself checking a gauge on the control panel. Inhaling sharply, Rukia steeled herself as she slowly, deliberately, brought her violet eyes up to meet the bright umber of Ichigo's.
He didn't say a word as he pulled her into him.
She didn't resist when he lifted her chin.
When he kissed her, she kissed him back. Heated adrenaline coursed through her, and she reveled in how right this felt. How right it was. This was destiny. This was what she was denying.
This was supposed to be a clean break, she told herself.
"I'm sorry," Rukia said against Ichigo's lips. She pulled away from him, but the adrenaline did not die so easily, pounding as it was in her ears. "I—we shouldn't have."
"Rukia," he said. He didn't extend a hand to her, letting his eyes do the work of holding her in place. "Rukia," he repeated.
She swallowed as her eyes began to burn. "Urahara-san," she said, "send me back."
Her words broke Ichigo's gaze, and thus released, she backed away as he glared at Urahara. "Don't, Hat-n-Clogs. I swear I'll break the entire Senkaimon if you do."
Urahara watched Ichigo from under his hat; his fan was nowhere in sight. "All due respect, Ichigo," he said, his voice respectful yet firm, "but this isn't your decision to make."
"Fuck that!" Ichigo shouted. "She's supposed to stay here!"
Rukia stepped up to Urahara, determinedly looking anywhere but at Ichigo. "Please send me back," she said softly.
Urahara glanced at her. With but a moment's hesitation, he brandished his cane and jabbed the end of it into her, thrusting her from her gigai.
Before Ichigo could react, Rukia pushed past him to the reishi converter, yanking open the door and swinging the backpack back over her shoulders. Released from her gigai, her body once again felt lithe and ready, but it was not a feeling she could appreciate.
"Rukia, just—just stop," Ichigo nearly shouted. He grabbed her arm. "Okay, so you can't stay here, but I'll go with you! I don't care!"
But she did. It didn't matter how fated they were. He had his own links to this world, and she'd be damned if she let herself break them.
Rukia pulled her arm away and actively pushed down the growing, howling mass in her stomach. "Thank you, Ichigo," she said. For everything.
Before she could step into the Senkaimon, again Ichigo's hand was on her arm. "Rukia, I'm begging you," he said. "We can figure this out if you just give it a chance…."
His words died off as she folded herself into him.
This time, she was the one to bring his head down to hers.
This time, he was the one who kissed her back, making what should have been none, two.
Pulling away just as the adrenaline in her veins peaked, Rukia forced herself to look right into the brown eyes she would never be able to forget. "I'm sorry, Ichigo," she said. "I let you down."
He shook his head. "You never did."
"That's not true." She steeled herself. "You…you weren't supposed to know that I love you."
Slowly, wickedly, a hurt surprise overcame Ichigo's features, carrying undertones of offense. He carefully backed away from her until there was enough space between them for it to sting. "You're about four years too late for that," he said quietly. "Have a good life, Rukia."
Swallowing hard, Rukia turned to Urahara. "Thank you," she said.
Urahara nodded slowly. "I can get you back here in a flash," he said.
Holding back a flinch at his words, Rukia turned to Ichigo one last time. He had not moved, but his eyes would not meet hers, would not look at her. Would not remember her.
Wordlessly, she pushed into the Senkaimon.
Immediately the bright light of the gate gave way to the lonely darkness of the Dangai. She raced through it even as her eyes adjusted, letting her speed dry her tears before they could form. She could not let herself remember her departure like this. It was unfair to Ichigo to pretend they ever had a chance, think that she could not possibly have a good life without him by her side. She could not entertain his hope, or hers.
Her backpack rubbed along her back as she ran, but she hardly noticed it for the tears that suddenly could not be dried, no matter her speed. Fine. Let her regret this decision, but let that regret stay here, where only the space between two worlds and she could see it. This was not something to bring home to the Soul Society. There could be no evidence of her lips meeting his. Nothing. She would clean the slate, no matter the cost.
Much too soon, the light of her destination began to break the gloom of the Dangai, like a beacon that would not save but burn her. Already her tears were evaporating, leaving just the red rims of her eyes to betray anything that had happened here. But as her tears dried, Rukia once again felt the backpack over her shoulders, the constant rubbing like a hand beckoning her to turn back, acknowledge the past.
Abruptly, Rukia stopped. If she squinted hard enough, she could see the bright blue of the Soul Society's sky through the white of the Senkaimon. Just a few more strides was all she had.
Again ignoring her shaking hands, Rukia removed one and then the other strap of her backpack. She purposely kept her eyes on the sky ahead as she dropped the backpack on the ground, causing the picture frame to clatter despite the protection of her mortal clothes.
When she arrived in the Seireitei moments later, no one knew what she'd left between worlds.