Fandom: One Chicago

Title: Scars

Chapter 1 Dance in the rain

P O V: Sylvie Brett

A/N: I own my thoughts and feelings. My feelings are Brettsey is endgame. Period. Dick wolf and Wolf entertainment own the characters of One Chicago and SVU.

"Sylvie, is it true?"

Turning, I see Matt Casey racing across the rain-soaked street in front of Molly's; for a moment, I almost don't stop exhausted by yesterday's shift; all I want is to go home, strip out of my wet clothes, kick back on my bed with a glass of wine and some trash TV while I cuddle into my warm blankets. I'm talked out with Matt, I've poured my feelings out to him so many times over this past year, and he can't give me the one thing I need.

Commitment.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly turned to face him. It is hard to see his features under the midnight sky, even with the streetlights illuminating the surrounded area. I am clueless about what Matt is asking me. "Is what true?"

I step closer; each step took so much energy from my drained body. There's no letting up in the weather either mother nature has been pissed about something all week she hasn't stopped pouring down in anger which would be okay if it was at least warm, but it's not; she's letting off a furious cascade of rain on forty degree days.

Shivering, I pull my thick down jacket tighter to my body, hoping Matt hurries up with whatever he is trying to ask me. The six shots of Irish car bombs mixed with the pint of beer, combined with my exhaustion, affect my ability to concentrate. "Greg told me you are in love with me, but Sylvie, you told me you needed space. I have tried to respect you and give you what you asked. It's killing me, though, Sylvie, because being apart these last few months it's made me understand something, Sylvie. You've become a part of me; every waking thought since last summer has been about you, Sylvie, not Gabby. I know words are meaningless, Sylvie; I get you want commitment."

"Yeah, Matt, I deserve commitment; maybe it seems silly to you or even stupid." I lick my dry lips, feeling the tiny flutter of nervous butterflies tingled with excitement. "Most of this generation is happy with swiping right, one-night stands sexting, and calling each other when it's convenient. I'm not that girl, Matt. I've been someone's trophy prize too many times. I refuse to be the second-best to anyone ever again; I am not a consultation prize; I am the million dollar prize. I will not be used and thrown away when Gabby comes back to town, and you suddenly fall back in love with her."

"I will not fall back in love with Gabby; that's what I need to say. I don't know if I was ever truly in love with Gabby. I loved the idea of being in love, and yes, I love Gabby. I always will, but loving someone and being in love are two different things. We use the words I love this or I love you so freely in this era; I think we sometimes miss the two notions up."

"We're taught from early ages that holding hands, stealing secret glances and giggling means you are in love, kissing is intimate and makes you feel loved, when we're young we feel alone when our boyfriend or girlfriends aren't around us 24/7, we yearn for their touch and their listening ears. It's not love, Sylvie; it's infatuation hormones if you want to break it down. Gabby wasn't my first girlfriend, but she was the first woman I truly felt ready to share life with and build my dreams together. Hallie was my first serious relationship, but our goals were so different, our lives were on opposite tracks; when Gabby came into my world, she made me see I didn't need to change my life for someone else if Hallie couldn't accept me or my dreams, I didn't need to settle. When she died, Gabby helped me to heal; she listened to me, helped me get answers, and our connection grew stronger; we dated, we kissed, we did all the things couples are supposed to do, and it felt right to me because I knew nothing different."

"My parents were a mess, Sylvie; my dad had anger issues, he drank too damn much, he took his rage out on my mom. I never saw him tell her she was beautiful or compliment her on anything; they didn't do date nights; there was no romance in my home. My mom never once told Christie or me this wasn't normal. We had to figure shit out on our own, and she did it sooner, but she never shared the secret with me. I knew hitting someone was wrong because I saw how badly it hurt my mom; every time my dad's fists took his problems out on her, she was left broken, crying on the floor. I can still hear their screams even now, Sylvie, and it's been years. They told me they were figuring things out that marriage took work, and sometimes work was loud and ugly."

Matt's eyes are filled with pain so raw I feel tears spring to my eyes; the memories of his past aren't just echoed in the wind. They are vibrant and vivid today, as they were on the days they were happening to him. I can picture Matt as a kid hiding in the corner of his room barricaded inside, his head buried in between his knees, rocking back and forth, wishing praying to God to make the fighting stop. "Some days, I would stare at the walls and image a future where there were no loud voices and were the only voices I heard were the ones whispering I love you, you're safe."

Matt's voice breaks my heart; he's whispering, even though he's standing right in front of me now. I strain to hear. Slowly, I lift my hands to take his palms into mine. I never knew a broken home; I grew up in a fun, safe, loving, family-orientated home, so I can't relate to his pain or experience; my life wasn't perfect by any means. My mom has anxiety and was diagnosed with Bipolar II when I was a teenager, but even when she was at her sickest, I never doubted she loved me or my brothers or father. I never saw my dad raise a fist at her or lose his temper; his touch was always gentle.

"My dad's words were sharp like knives. They didn't draw blood, but they pierced her skin just the same. I won't repeat the things he called her, but I knew it was wrong. I saw how broken my mom looked after, and I vowed I would never allow myself to be that type of man who would hurt a woman. Growing up, though, I never learned how to deal with my pain properly or my fears; I was never taught how to express them healthily. So I shut down, I used sex to express myself; I had no complainants either, so I figured I was doing something right; till I wasn't, Hallie and I started having issues, and we fought so much, than we would break up only to make up; it was a vicious circle. One I repeated with Gabby neither woman ever cried though they never curled up in a corner, so I guess somewhere in my mind I told myself I wasn't like my dad, I was getting this love thing right."

The ghosts of Matt's past dance inside his eyes, replacing the light of laughter which I have known him for these past few years; the man who has held me in my weakest moments kissed away my pain and calmed my fears with a joke or a song, his beautiful ocean blue eyes shining in hope and laughter now remains shadowed with regret and confusion. Where did he lose the happiness, the laughter, and how did I not see it; did I cause this by asking for space by not being there for him in the ways he has been there for me? I saw anger in his eyes last week when he was scared for his future but never full raged; I saw fear, but he never let me inside deep enough to penetrate his soul; I brushed it off when he was told he was okay. So wrapped up in my pain over a breakup that should have meant nothing to me, yet somehow became everything.

"I guess I was wrong; I am no different from my old man. Gregory Casey's blood runs through my veins. You don't need fists to shatter glass, or dreams shutting down not expressing your feelings is every bit as damaging to a marriage; Gabby and I didn't get married because we were deeply in love; we got married to make a family for Louie so I could be his dad, but when Louie left, he took a piece of each of our hearts with him. Neither one of us knew how to express those feelings. We were both raised in broken homes and learned that silence was better than expressing emotions. We both have scars which we tried to stitch up, but scars are never really healed Sylvie, they are always an inch away from being reopened."

Matt yanks his hands out from my grasp, his fingers curling into two white-knuckled balls, the pain evident in his twisted facial expression. He wants to punch something he needs to express his rage, but he does not know how or where to safely, which rips my heart into shreds.

"Gabby did what she had to so she could save herself; she bailed on me. On us, and it devastated me, but I couldn't hate her because I had done the same thing to her for the entire time we were together. I never talked to her; I didn't trust her with my emotions; you can't have any growth in any relationship without trust. Loving someone goes beyond physical presence. You desire to see them grow, you see past their flaws, you see opportunities of building into each other, and together, you motivate, encourage, and inspire one another. We didn't have that because they did not teach us how to love; They did not show us how to be selfless. We were stuck in between the nightmares of our lost childhoods and the lost dreams of a better future."

"You taught me differently, Sylvie; you showed me I do not have to second-guess or ask before I express myself. Loving someone requires 100 percent commitment on both our parts. Gabby grew up thinking she didn't deserve love because her dad beat her mom, gambled their money away; he didn't think of his children or his wife, so she translated it to she wasn't worth being loved. No matter what I said to her or how much I showed her, she meant the world to me. She could never accept the notion of being loved because she didn't love herself; you can't receive love if you don't love yourself."

"I felt alone in our marriage for so damn long, and I didn't know how to express those feelings. Men Don't Cry. It's a sign of weakness; we don't get sad, we shove it inside, we build things, we break things, we drink beers and scream at the TV when our sports team loses, we have one-night stands. We don't cry; we don't talk about our feelings; we go on. No one ever told me it was okay to cry or talk about how I felt until you, and it made me question my entire life, Sylvie. Who is right, who is wrong, should I care? The fault still lies on me no matter how I spin it; I failed my wife. I am no better than my dad."

"Stop, Matt." I reach out, taking them back into mine, squeezing tighter so he can't rip them away again. "Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs; it doesn't boast when it is right; love is self-sacrificing; love is enduring through every test of time. You are not your dad Matthew Ryan Casey. You are an amazing selfless man who rushes into burning buildings to save strangers; you fight for the injustice to make it right; you are the man who weighs all your decisions after each call in the quiet of your office because you don't want others to see you suffering. I've seen you step in between women to save them from men losing their tempers. You know, right and wrong, Matt, you would never hurt anyone intently. You are not a scar or a bruise; you are not the echoes of your past. You are a brave, compassionate, beautiful man; you have a light in your eyes that is so beautiful it almost hurts to look at in too long."

"All the battles you've fought, the wars you were an unwilling participant in, they've made you who you are today; it takes being with someone who knows what love is to understand how you love fully. I'm glad I could show you, Matt, but again until you can commit to me, Matt, I don't see a point in discussing anything further. I'm tired; I would like to go home tonight."

"You deserve to be number one, Sylvie."

"I know I am not asking for permission."

"I know I messed up Sylvie; I'm sorry." Matt shoves his hands deep into his pockets. He's sweating; I think it's hard to tell since it's pouring out. "I'm driving to Rockford to see Amelia tomorrow morning, so I need to get some sleep. I need a break, Matt things have been crazy all year. I can't take anything else right now."

"Sylvie, I know things have been weird between us, and it's mainly because of me. I'm trying to make them right; it's why I need to talk to you. Tonight it can't wait. I know you are tired, and it's a long drive to Rockford and you should go; you need to see your sister. You deserve the break, but please let me talk for a minute. I won't keep you long. I jumped out of a moving fire truck because I was so worried about your safety; I never did anything so stupid or reckless in my life. I've been friends with Severide for half my adult life, so that should tell you something."

We both laugh a little.

"The thought of you hurt or scared made me crazy; I would have taken your place in a heartbeat. When I saw your reaction as Gallo told the story, it hit me how reckless I was and how I am so calculated under normal circumstances; I knew it meant something, so I had to talk to you. It's why I showed up at your door; I wasn't expecting you to kiss me; It blew me away when you did, and of course, I loved every second. I can still feel how tender your peach lips taste. My body took over doing everything it's meant for; I didn't stop to think of the emotions; to me, it was purely physical and pleasurable."

"Till I asked you to commit."

"Yeah, till you asked me that, and I froze. It was stupid, Sylvie; everyone has been telling me to stop second-guessing myself to take action. I haven't because I am terrified I don't want to lose what we have; our friendship is everything to me; it's gotten me through some of my darkest days."

Resting my hands on his shoulders, I tilt my head to the left to look him in his eyes. Lifting my left hand, I brush my fingers across his cheek. He's terrified, and I am excited. How twisted is this love story? My heart beats faster in anticipation: is he finally admitting he's in love with me? It's all I have been dreaming about for months, but I convinced myself he isn't feeling anything except physical desires.

"Relax, Matt, you can talk to me; no need to be nervous or scared. I won't judge you; love isn't judgmental."

"I don't need to call Gabby to work my feelings out. You suggested I needed to, but I don't need Gabby for anything anymore. Gabby walked out on me, she broke my heart, shattered my dreams, she showed me what love isn't supposed to look or feel like she was self-centered when I didn't bend to her will she bailed, she was a thank you next, love."

"Sylvie, you are an only forever type of love. I would walk through fire to make you happy, I would sit through a thousand questions by your daddy, I would cook dinner for your parents and understand it will never be as good as your mamma's home cooking, and I would be okay with it because I know how special your mom is to you. She was your family first, before I came into your life. I won't get scared off because a real man stays and fights for his gold, but he knows when to stand back and let her shine."

"I don't want a relationship. They hold you back. I want a best friend I can sleep with, make love to, hustle with, travel with, and shop with or chill. I want to live with you forever—a partner in crime and life. Someone I can laugh at and build trust and dreams with, who I can give my heart to and not worry, she will shred it. I want to share our money and our lives forever; you are unforgettable. I don't want to be afraid to lose you; I want to know you will always be there for me. Relationships aren't for me, Sylvie. It's what I am understanding, I need a partnership. That's what I want in my life, so I need to ask you again, Sylvie, and please don't get offended. Is what Greg said true? Are you in love with me?"

How did Greg even know how I feel about Matt? I never told him how I felt; I barely understand it myself. My throat has gone suddenly dry funny since the sky is overproducing enough water to fuel my body for a year. My balance feels a little off even holding onto Matt's hands; I feel as if I will faint. I don't consciously take a step back, but my feet move anyway until I bang slightly into the Honda behind me. "Yes, Matt, it's true I am in love with you; I thought I made myself clear."

Matt's face twists in shock. "I suspected you liked me, wanted to have sex even I hoped it was more than friends with benefits. I didn't know your feelings had developed so deeply; it was a lot to take in Sylvie. I needed time to digest, so I know I need to give you the space you need to take my words in; I will wait, Sylvie, you are worth the wait. You are more precious than a million dollars of pure gold."

Matt leans in and kisses my forehead, leaving me speechless. His arms wrapped around me, bringing my body to his, gripping me. "I love you, Sylvie, and I was a fool not to say those words sooner. Don't tell Kelly, but he was right; he saw it before I could; everyone did. Everyone saw this fire burning inside my soul, I am madly in love with you. Maybe this was what was suppose to happen; maybe you were always supposed to be my detestation; all I know for sure is that I am so happy. I finally allowed myself to explore my feelings, I had to lose myself to find myself, and now I know what true happiness feels like, Sylvie."

I lift my eyes to find his staring down directly into mine, which sent shivers down my spine-tingling across my flesh, dancing with the tiny hairs on my arms as if they were a small gust of wind telling them to stand up and dance. I watch as Matt's gaze lingers over my eyes before slowly seductively trailing down from my eyes to trace his fingers across my jawline. My spine straightened, my stomach twists in nervous waves of nauseated anticipation. Matt's gaze settled on my lips; his index finger lifted my chin, so I am staring up at him. My mind is completely blown. I can't form a thought, but my feet start moving scuffling closer, so my chest is pressing tightly against his; I can feel his heart beating, feel the tremor of his hands, one foot no longer in his past but here in the present, while his other is already racing towards our future.

I lean in, praying I am not drooling, feeling his breath hitting my cheek; It excelled every bit of nervous energy in each warm breath. Our noses graze, we giggle from the suddenness of it all, and the silliness of our fears; we're two grown-ups; why are we so nervous? We've both kissed before; this should be second nature to us. Try telling that to our over-excited teenage hormonal hearts. Nope, not calming down even with his gentle touch on my shoulder sliding to my back to rest on my lower back.

The rain pouring down isn't deterring either of us. It's simply back round noise now, creating a beautiful illumination of our shadows under the harsh glow of the streetlights reflecting in the glass windows of the stores. Poetry can't tell a story this beautifully. I see his head tilt to the right; I watch motionlessly as his lips capture mine into his so soft it feels as if time stands still as clique as it sounds for me; every breath has suspended; I hear no sounds except for the music of my heart.

I finally found a sense of peace for me when I hear Matt say those words. I love you, Sylvie Brett. Three words, yet they hold such power over my heart this kiss wouldn't be as unique and meaningful without those words. Matt's warm mouth covers mine, forcing my lips to part wider as my hands fly to his neck my feet leave the ground, and a little squeak escapes my mouth. I need to steady myself, so I try to reach out to grab his neck, but I can't react fast enough; the air is dizzying; it's as if I am dancing in a series of endless pirouettes, but I was never trained as a ballet dancer, so I am lost on how to spot and keep my balance. My back hits the Honda harder than earlier; the alarm blares, but his mouth over mine feels so delightful I can't break this kiss.

The kiss chased away all my fears into the shadows of the dark, running with the ghosts of Matt's past. Our lips move slowly, cauterizing every warmth, every taste, and sense of the moment bourbon mixes with blueberry, wood scent clings to his skin, lingering onto my love spell cinnamon flesh.

Gentle biting on my lower lip sends a pulsating rush of pleasure through my entire body, giving me a burst of energy. I push myself to stand up straighter as I feel Matt's hands sliding down my back, cupping my butt checks and lifting me. I watch the world fly in a million colorful waves by as he lifts me, wrapping my legs around his waist.

My body melts into his I close my eyes and allow myself to be carried away by this new sense of peace, and trust Matt to hold me steady and not allow me to fall off the stage from these dazzling pirouettes as the two of us continue to dance in the rain.