(A/N: H'llo, my brain loves giving me the most random ideas at the most random times. But y'all know that by now. Rrread on)
"The public bus sucks," Beavis followed Butt-head down the sidewalk. "Where were all the chicks?"
"Uhhh, I think it's the 'time of the month' or something," his "friend" replied. "And the chicks stayed home so they wouldn't bleed in the sauna."
"Ohh. Well, no! How come the bus driver was there?"
"That bus driver wasn't even a chick, dumbass."
"Oh yeah, heh. No wonder we heard dudes crying super hard in the other room, hehe, no chicks around," Beavis chuckled to himself as Butt-head opened their front door. "Wussies."
"Whoa!"
"Whoa what, what?" Beavis peeked past him to see a still figure laying on their couch. "This sucks more than the bus! Some dude died in our house again!"
"Beavis, do you need glasses or something?" Butt-head neared the figure. "It's a chick."
"Is she dead?" Beavis crept up behind him.
This girl appeared a bit older than the duo, with long, stringy black hair and slightly sunburnt skin. She wore a light blue tee, short jeans and sneakers, and was quite obviously snoring.
"You totally need glasses, dude," Butt-head snickered. "Cool. There's a sleeping chick on our couch."
"That's not cool! Where are we supposed to sit, dammit?!"
"We just gotta, like, feed her an apple or something to wake her up. Then she has to give herself to us."
As the two chuckled excitedly, the girl's eyes fluttered open.
"Huh...? YAGH!" She jolted awake and sprang behind the couch. "Hey! Th-The door was open, I didn't think anyone lived here, please don't call the cops...!"
"Uhhh, are you gonna, like, give yourself to us now?"
"Oh, GOD, I knew I shouldn't have come in here. Listen, m-my name is Lillian, or Lily, like the flower," the girl said awkwardly. "Sorry for intruding, but I don't exactly have a home anymore."
"Uh huh huh," Butt-head looked her up and down. "You do now."
"Oh, word?" Lily clasped her hands together. "You'd let me stay?"
"Yeah, I mean, it's cool with us," Beavis took his seat on the couch. "Just us two here."
"Yeah. We don't need to ask Beavis's mom, she's too busy being a slut."
"Shut up, Butt-head, your mom's a bigger slut!"
"Mm..." Lily cleared her throat. "I'll be in the bathroom a minute. You guys gave me quite a scare, y'know..."
"Uh huh huh huh," Butt-head chortled as she excused herself. "She's gonna use our toilet."
"Heh-heh-heh, yeah. She's gonna piss in it," Beavis flicked the TV on.
"Breaking news! Police are on the lookout for a missing teen, 17-year old Lillian Brooks. The young Miss Brooks fled her apartment complex in Highland just under 3 days ago, and her parents are worried sick!"
The news report cut to an interview with Lily's parents.
"We just woke up and she was gone!" sobbed Mrs. Brooks. "All she left us was some of her stuff and this goodbye letter full of words I can't say on TV!"
"Please, if anyone has seen our little girl, call us or the police, or at least try to talk her into coming home," Mr. Brooks lamented. "We just...want her back."
A photo of Lily was shown, along with her full name and her parents' phone number.
"Hehe, heh! That chick's hot. It'd be cool if she, like, came to our house and, like, started living with us."
"Uhhh, that just happened, Beavis..."
"Oh yeah. Heh, it did. But she never said she was missing."
"Yeah. Just don't mention it to her, dumbass, or she might wanna go home."
"You're the dumbass, dumbass!" snapped Beavis.
Hearing their toilet flush, they quieted down. Lily returned and sat herself between them with a huff.
"So, anything else you wanna know, fellas?"
"No," said Butt-head.
"Yeah. Like, what'd you write in that goodbye letter they couldn't say on TV?" said Beavis, earning a punch from Butt-head. "OW!"
"You heard, huh?" Lily sighed, glancing at the TV. "Well, I guess you have the right to know the truth...my parents were terrible to me. My mom was always beating me up."
"Really?" Butt-head raised an eyebrow. "She ever spank you?"
"No. She mostly threw stuff. And my dad touched me," Lily went on. "You know...sexually."
"Whoa, really?" asked Beavis. "Like, he got to touch your boobs and stuff? OWW!"
Butt-head had punched him again. "Uhh, well, don't worry. Your boobs are, like, safe with us..."
Lily made a face as Butt-head touched her shoulder. Shuddering, she slid off the couch. "Listen, I'm really grateful you guys are letting me crash here; I'll cook and clean and pay rent, whatever. But no funny business, understand?"
"Uh...no," Beavis said bluntly.
"I mean, if you expect to get in my pants, you're gonna end up disappointed. Now excuse me again, I feel like I should wash my hands. Again."
Beavis frowned as she made a return trip to the bathroom. "Rrgh, this sucks! That chick's just gonna be on our couch, and she won't even do it with us! Grrr, let's call the cops on her, Butt-head!"
"No way! Don't you know how this works, dude? She'll wanna do it with us later."
"Why can't she do us now?!"
"Uhh. Because she needs to get 'stalk-home' syndrome first. Uh huh huh. Then she'll do us," clarified Butt-head.
"Ohh yeah, heh!" Beavis grinned. "Just like that hooker chick in the box!"
"Yeah. Plus she's gonna do chores and stuff for us. This is gonna be cool."
"Yeah! Hehe, it's gonna rule! Chore #1: scratch my butt! Heh-heh, mm, heh!"
ONE WEEK LATER
Beavis and Butt-head arrived home after a long day's work at Burger World, having been doused by the drizzle outside. Lily lay on their couch reading one of their special magazines, when she noticed them come in.
"Hey, guys," she tucked the issue away, spotting the bag in Beavis's hands. "Did you remember the fries?"
"Uh, yeah. Heh-hm. And there's soda."
"Duuudes!" Lily snatched the bag from him and flopped back down.
Beavis and Butt-head squeezed themselves onto one end of the couch by her casually crossed legs as she dug into the fries (none too quietly).
Much to the boys' dismay, Lily also snatched up the remote and flicked the TV right to the Lifetime Movie Network.
"Hey, what's with the gloomy faces? I cleaned up good while you were out, didn't I?"
"Uhhh. I guess."
"Yeah, it looks good..."
The house was just as messy as always, but of course Beavis and Butt-head couldn't tell. Plus, what little attention they could muster was mostly on the current lack of couch space.
"Uhh, oh yeah. Go cook for us or something," Butt-head suggested.
"Yeah! Make us some burritos!" Beavis added.
"Did you buy those ingredients yet?" Lily asked through her fries. "Can't cook a thing without ingredients."
"Oh, yeah," Beavis exchanged a frown with Butt-head. "We forgot again."
"Uhh, hmm. Then go do our homework."
"Oh, I can't do that," replied Lily. "My name would be at the top, your teachers would know I did it instead of you. I don't wanna get you in trouble."
"Well, uhh..." Butt-head tried to think of something else. "Well, like, you owe us rent."
"Alright, how much?"
"Uhhhh—"
"Five bucks!" Beavis interrupted, only to be elbowed by Butt-head.
"Uhhh, yeah. It's five bucks."
"Hmm." Lily picked up her purse and dug through it briefly. "Smallest bill I have is a ten, sorry."
Beavis and Butt-head were even more disappointed. There was only one excuse left to keep them from kicking her out.
"Hey. Uhhh, Lily?"
"Yah?"
"Do you wanna do it with us yet?" asked Butt-head.
Lily paused mid-chew. "No...BUT...I'm sure I'd be more 'in the mood' if you got me some nachos."
"Really?"
"Yeahhh, nothing moistens me up like some nachos."
"Uh huh huh huh, uh huh," With that, Butt-head hurried to the kitchen.
"And could you clean this stuff up?" Lily nodded towards Beavis, then at the floor. "Watching guys clean really gets me off."
He immediately knelt down to scoop up any trash. "Heh-heh, um, is this good?"
"Yeah," Lily smirked as Butt-head returned with her nachos. "Feeling hornier already."
And so things progressed, with Beavis and Butt-head tending to Lily instead of the other way around, all under the false promise of sex.
She had some new task laid out for them just about every minute, but the idiots held out hope that one day soon, she'd honor her word.
ANOTHER WEEK LATER
"Hey, quit peeing on the floor, fartknocker," Beavis panted, entering the kitchen. "She keeps making me clean the stupid bathroom!"
"Quit whining, Beavis, whiners don't score," Butt-head opened the microwave, taking out some popcorn. "Besides, she said she was gonna do us after this, probably."
"BEAVIS, BUTT-HEAD, C'MERE!" called Lily. "I'm in your room!"
"Uhuhuhuh, see? Bet she's ready for a couple rounds right now."
"She better be! 'Cause I'm sick of cleaning, hehe. So I get the first round, hm-heh."
The duo sauntered into the bedroom, where Lily had a suitcase open on the bed and was rummaging around in the drawers. She also had her hair in a ponytail and was wearing a vibrant sundress and shades instead of her usual attire.
"Hey guys, forget the popcorn, pack these for me, would you?" She dumped a bunch of clothes into their arms.
"We bought all this," grumbled Beavis, stuffing the suitcase.
"Whiner," said Butt-head, shutting it.
"There, all set!" Lily swept up the suitcase and slung her purse over her shoulder. "Well, I'm out. Peace, man."
Not registering what she meant, Beavis and Butt-head watched her head for the front door with her things.
"Uhhh, you're going the wrong way, y'know."
"Yeah! Like, the bed's back here! Butthole."
"Oh, I'm off to celebrate my best birthday," Lily looked back at them somewhat smugly. "I'm turning 18, so even if the cops find me, they can't make me stay with my parents. And if they hurt me again, I'll have them arrested for assault. I was just hiding out here until then."
"Uhh, okay. But, like, what about doing it with us?" Butt-head reminded her.
"Yeah, dammit! We were gonna score with you!" fumed Beavis.
"Too late, dudes, I'm an adult now, and y'all are just teenagers. It's against the law for me to sleep with you."
"The law can burn in hell for all we care! Hm-heh! Screw the law! Right, Butt-head?"
"Yeah. But screw us first."
"Sorry, I can't risk it. You two are great, though, I'm sure you'll find the right girls. Someday. Maybe. By some tense stroke of luck. Laters!" Waving, Lily shut the door behind her. She had a cab waiting outside, which she promptly boarded before it sped off.
Beavis and Butt-head flopped onto the couch, too disappointed to even laugh about her saying the word "stroke".
"This SUCKS! THIS SUCKS!" Beavis clawed away at the cushioning. "After all that crap we had to do, SHE CAN'T EVEN DO IT WITH US! DAMMIT!"
"Wait. Shut up, Beavis. She said 'later'. When we're 18, we'll be, like, all legal and doable again," reasoned Butt-head. "Then she'll come back."
"...oh, yeah...!" Beavis calmed down. "And then she'll come on our backs! Heh-heh, heh-heh!"
"Yeah. But until then," leaning back, Butt-head tuned the TV in to the local news. "Let's watch for more missing girls. Uh huh huh huh huh."
"Hm-hm-heh, stalk-home syndrome is cool. Heh-heh-heh!"
(A/N: Hope you enjoyed, please review, fave, and check out my profile. See ya!)