The Living Wills
Note: I wrote in italic the dialogues from the episodes.
End of Darkness Falls - High Containment Facility; Winthrop, Washington
Mulder leant over Scully. "Scully?"
She didn't move.
"How's she doing?" Mulder asked the doctor.
"She's still not out of the woods, so to speak. She lost a lot of fluids. Two or three more hours of exposure, she might not have made it."
"I told her it was going to be a nice trip to the forest."
A moment later, Mulder sat on the edge of his bed, watching Scully lying in her white clothes and sheets, looking so fragile. He wasn't able to reach her yet, as her brain was still wandering into comatose woods.
She had almost not made it, had said the doctor. What if she had died out there in the forest? What if she could still die here in the facility?
No, it wasn't a possibility, because, if so… No, he didn't want to think about that. It was too painful to even formulate the question.
Right now, there was nothing he could do for her, but watch her sleep. Though, there was one thing he should do, at least for his conscience.
He stood up and went to the room next door. He asked for a phone, checked the hour and made the call.
"Yes, Mrs Scully speaking," said the voice.
"Mrs Scully, it's Agent Fox Mulder," he said.
"Oh, Agent Mulder! I was so worried. How are you?"
"I'm fine, Mrs Scully. I'm fine, really."
"I'm so glad to hear that... They don't want me to come and see both of you, because of the quarantine. And they have been so allusive and sparse in their explanations… I'm not sure I understand well what you're currently going through."
"I can explain the details if you want, Mrs Scully."
"Maybe later, when you're not tired... You still seem weak... But, surely, it's not why you're calling me. What about Dana? Is she okay?"
Mulder closed his eyes and inhaled a deep gulp of air. He had to choose his words carefully. There was no reason to alarm her.
"Mrs Scully… Well… Dana is… she's still unconscious for now. We have to wait. I assure you the doctors here are very competent. They are taking care of her as best as possible… And we are in the same room. I'm constantly by her bedside."
"Thanks, Fox. Then, I guess she's in very good hands... I really appreciate you calling me."
"Mrs Scully… I'm sorry I don't have better news. It wasn't supposed to be like that… for our case, I mean. And… I… er... I..."
"Don't, Fox. I'm sure you've done nothing wrong. I know that your job is hazardous. Dana is responsible and well aware of those risks. She always acts on her own judgement."
"Yes, but… I..."
"Not to me. You tell Dana when she wakes up. Meanwhile, tell her I'm praying for her recovery and that I love her. Would you do that for me, Fox?"
"Of course, Mrs Scully."
"And you can call me anytime."
"I will, Mrs Scully."
"Rest and stay safe, Fox. Goodbye." And she hung up the phone.
Mulder stood there for a few seconds, phone in hands, feeling sparkles of warmth in his chest.
He had believed he only needed to relieve his guilt, and now he was realizing he had been craving comfort. Simple words, concerned words, alleviating his lingering self-doubts and angst.
A couple of hours later, he saw Scully's eyelids fluttering while he was monitoring her from his bed.
He stood up, came closer and leant over Scully's head.
"Scully… Scully… It's me. You're okay, Scully," he said softly.
She then opened her eyes, and smiled at him.
"It's me. You're okay, Scully," he said once again, smiling back at her burned face, suddenly lacking words and further thoughts.
Yet, when she was lying unconscious, he had regularly whispered in her ears, reporting many times Mrs Scully's hopeful words and love, stating all the scientific and medical knowledge the doctors would share with him, giving her news about their unfortunate fellow Larry Moore, and about the radical means employed to eradicate the contamination. A lot of small talk, except her mother's wishes, because he finally felt wrong to tell her while she was unreactive what was weighing on his heart.
The doctors went quickly to Scully's side, not allowing him time to recover his usual repartee, and he made room for them.
Anyway, he had to call Mrs Scully.
The day after, the three of them had made great improvements in their recovery and they had been transferred to a more comfortable zone of the facility. Still, they were remaining under strict medical and monitoring control, and were maintained in isolation from the outside world.
They were now completely out of any threatening woods considering their health. They just needed time to heal and recover their usual physical abilities and strength. Mulder and Scully had also regained a sense of privacy, on and off, amidst the regular visits and agitation.
In these moments of closer intimacy, they would talk about the nature of the case, about the scientific discoveries they've stumbled upon and that were now surely out of reach for most parts, and about what they would write in their report. They would also discuss the mistakes they had made when handling the case, how they would change some of their protocols when on the field-if they ever had some- and how they would always have to learn from their experiences to improve their partnership.
Mulder was consistently drawn back to his misstep when he had decided to trust Spinney on his own -even if Scully wasn't bringing it up anymore. His mind was stuck in this overly guilty event, melted with his unprophetic announcement of a nice trip in the forest, by fear of opening up on more sensitive subjects he was keeping to himself.
What he couldn't express was the fear of losing Scully he had overly felt -more weighty and significant than ever. He had wrapped his fear in a cocoon of guilt, as if their near death experience had only been a consequence of his flaws. But if he had articulated out loud his precise thoughts hidden into this web of remorse, he certainly would have let out feelings hidden even more deeply in his soul.
He wasn't ready to dig further there. He wasn't ready yet to even ask himself what Scully and their relationship really meant for him.
However, he could count on Scully to bring him back to more concrete and factual grounds. To keep him away from his embarrassing feelings, at least for a while.
After a phone call to her mother, Scully thanked Mulder for the support he had given to Maggie. Mulder was surprised to hear that, as he thought he had been the one receiving comfort, but he refrained from any comments.
Scully didn't say more about the content of the conversation she had with her mother, but it led her into a matter she was willing to reflect on as soon as possible.
She had thoroughly pondered the critical medical state she had been in when they were rescued. She wanted now to reconsider her living will.
Obviously, Scully had got one for a long time, precisely since her studying time in med school. Back in the days she had chosen her sister Melissa and a friend as witnesses, but she didn't want to involve a member of her family anymore. And she wasn't much in touch with her friend anymore. She also wanted to adjust some medical details in the will, now she was more aware of the threat she could encounter in her FBI job.
Mulder was a bit insecure about this new subject of discussion, making his thoughts come back to his still lingering angst. But Scully was resolute and eager to deal with it here and now. After all, they hadn't a lot of other things to deal with at the moment.
So, Mulder followed Scully in the topic, listening carefully to all the medical explanations and subtleties concerning the Glasgow Coma Scale, the ICU techniques to support life and many other things he sometimes had difficulties to fully understand. He was attentive and focused, asking pertinent questions he had never thought about before.
"In conclusion," Scully said after a long passionate exchange, "first thing I'm doing when we get back to the office is filling in a new FBI living will. And you'll be just there to sign it as my witness."
"Wait, what? Witness?" Mulder said.
"Haven't I told you? Isn't it obvious?"
"No… I'm not sure… Yes... Of course... it makes sense."
Mulder was staring at Scully who seemed amused by his confusion, a big smile on her face.
Wasn't she realizing that right now his heart was pounding heavily in his chest and his guts were twisting? Maybe she could imagine and talk about the eventuality of her death casually and matter-of-factly, but he pondering and facing it, not to mention being a faithful guarantor of her values and beliefs in those extreme circumstances… That wasn't easy to handle, it was a sensitive subject to conceptualize, especially these days.
And how could she imagine he would be the 'perfect witness' -that what she'd just said, as he was staring at her blankly- unlike any member of her family. Wasn't she realizing that she was now a lot more than a FBI partner? She had become a friend. A true friend as he had never had. She had become someone like he had never had in his life, different as had ever been his former lovers and exes. She was even closer than any member of his own family had ever been. Except maybe Samantha. But it was long ago, they were kids, how could he compare?
Scully had of course all the arguments to make him the 'perfect' one. Trust, respect, understanding, proximity, partnership, blah blah… Factual words excluding the deeper feelings that were hidden in his heart and that he couldn't and wouldn't fully express.
"Okay, Scully… But, I want you to reciprocate. You being my living will witness as well," Mulder finally said.
"Fair enough," she said.
On that, they changed the subject or were disturbed by some medical procedure, or both.
Yet, for a couple of minutes, Mulder had felt a pang in his chest and a sour taste in the back of his throat. He wasn't a psychic but he was enough of a believer to cannot help thinking of bad omens and premonitions.
Months and months later - Northeast Georgetown Medical Center; Washington, D.C.
Mulder and Mrs Scully were sitting side by side, listening to Doctor Daly.
"Presently, we have Dana listed under critical condition, comatose. There is complete unawareness of self or environment. There is no evidence of language comprehension, no evidence of voluntary responses to external stimuli. My apologies but... no one here can determine how Dana arrived at the hospital, administered and how she was attended to in such critical condition. Um... because of the absence of Dana's recent medical history, I am at a loss for prognosis. I can't determine with certainty how long she's been in this state," Doctor Daly said.
"You haven't told us why she's like this," Mrs Scully said.
"We just don't know, Mrs. Scully. There are no indications of acute injuries, traumatic or non-traumatic, I can't find any signs of degenerative or metabolic disorders. We have conducted every test possible," Doctor Daly said.
"I'd like her examined for trace evidence," Mulder said.
"She has been bathed and cleaned since her admittance. Also, there is a situation which I don't know if you're aware of. The F.B.I. has notified us of the terms of Dana's living will," Doctor Daly said.
"What is it, what did she say?" Mrs Scully asked.
"Well, Dana is a doctor. Her criteria for terminating life support is quite specific. She states that, um... if her glasgow outcome scale lists her…" Doctor Daly replied.
Mulder turned his head toward Mrs Scully.
"She doesn't want to live in this condition," Mulder said.
"You signed the will as her witness," Doctor Daly confirmed.
Yes, he did. Months and months ago.