Part 1: The Breaking

Chapter 1

Cassian

It was quiet in The House of the Wind. It usually was these days. With Azriel and Gwyn living in Rosehall, Mor and Emerie on Mor's estate outside Valeris, and Rhys and Feyre in the Riverhouse with Nyx, the house was feeling a little empty.

Just the two of them, alone. Ten years ago, Cassian would have loved nothing more, but now…

He walked through the halls aimlessly, unable to sit still. Cassian had never been comfortable with the silence, never been able to find stillness and peace in it. He was a roaring fire, constantly filled with energy, thriving in the company of others.

Unsurprisingly, he found himself at the door to the library, where his mate's strong scent wafted out to him from within. Cassian hesitated, unsure if he should risk disturbing her, but he needed to talk to her, to talk to someone.

As he expected, Nesta was curled up in a squishy armchair, a book clutched in her hands. Cassian let out a breath at the sight of her, her perfect beauty. The afternoon sunlight streamed through the window, highlighting the golden undertones in Nesta's hair, making it sparkle warmly. After spending so many hours outside training with her Valkyrie legion, Nesta's skin had a sunkissed hue to it, contrasting with her sharp blue eyes. Those eyes slowly rose from the book and landed on him, her lips forming a tight line.

"What is it Cassian?" she asked, her voice cutting through him like ice. He knew that tone, it was the "can't you see I'm busy" tone that meant she didn't want him around.

"I just wanted to check in," he took a cautious step towards her, "you know, after what happened this morning."

Her eyes flashed dangerously, and Cassian felt his shoulders curling in slightly, preparing for her anger.

"I don't want to talk about that." She turned back to her book, dismissing him entirely. Irritation shot through him, but Cassian bit it back. Patience, he had to be patient. It was what he had been telling himself for a decade.

Nesta was still healing, still working against the horrors that had scared her mind so deeply. She had her good days and her bad days, and for quite a few years after the war the good had greatly outnumbered the bad. But lately, she seemed to have been struggling again, as evidenced by the incident at training that morning.

"I know that." Of course he knew that, Nesta never wanted to talk, at least not to him. "What happened with Adriana wasn't great, and I just want to make sure you're okay."

Nesta snapped her book shut and looked at him coldly.

"I'm fine."

That was a lie, they both knew it.

"She didn't mean to insult you," Cassian pressed. "I think she was just curious."

Nesta snorted.

"Sure, just curious," she repeated, her voice full of venom. "Is that why she implied I had cheated in the blood rite? That Emerie and Gwyn didn't deserve to win it?"

Cassian frowned, thinking back to that morning. Adriana was a new member of Emerie's winged division of the Valkyries. Very young, and an orphan, her older brother had recently given her a choice: get married or get out. Adriana had chosen her freedom.

Her questions to Nesta hadn't been insulting from where Cassian stood. In fact, the young female had seemed excited to meet one of the only three females to have ever participated in the blood rite, Lady Death the god killer. All she had asked, all she had wanted to know, was how Nesta had managed to take down so many Illyrian warriors during the rite. And Nesta, Nesta had cut her down with a few humiliating words, sending the young warrior away in shame.

It was behavior that was commonplace back when he first knew Nesta, when her rage was all she had, behavior that he knew she hated in herself. That's why he knew he had to approach this carefully, to not imply she was at fault, or else she would only get more defensive.

"Did something happen recently?" he asked. "Anything upsetting you?"

"You think just because I was angry someone insulted me, insulted my friends, that something else must have happened to upset me?"

"She wasn't insulting you," Cassian failed to keep his frustration at bay. "She's a young girl, out in the world for the first time, and asked a harmless question. Your job as a commander is to help new recruits adapt, not make them afraid of you."

Nesta jumped to her feet, her book discarded.

"The Valkyries are my troops, mine. Not yours. I don't need you to tell me how to lead them," she hissed.

Dangerous, they were on dangerous ground, and Cassian instantly shrunk away.

"Of course," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to imply-"

"Just get out," Nesta snapped. "I told you I didn't want to talk about this."

Cassian nodded, his throat tight, and left the library. As soon as the door closed behind him, he let out a long breath. The ringing silence closed in around him. It was too much, he couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't stay in this house another second.

Striding purposely for the balcony, Cassian extended his wings wide as he reached the fresh air and took to the skies with a powerful leap. He would fly alone, like he did most of the time these days, and try to ignore the steady roaring in his head.

Nesta

Nesta sank back into her chair and put her face in her hands. She hadn't meant to do that. Cassian was just trying to help, just like he always was. Sitting up, Nesta let her head fall against the back of the chair with a sigh.

Cassian was the greatest general who had ever lived, a warrior god born again. If he was giving her advice about leading her Valkyrie, it was for a good reason, even if she still didn't believe him about Adriana.

"I've heard about your blood rite ever since I was little!" Adriana had said. "And I've always wondered, how were you able to defeat so many Illyrian warriors? You had only been training a few months, right? It's so incredible you survived, and the Ladies Emerie and Gwyneth won!"

The insult might not have been outright, but it was there. The implication that it shouldn't have been possible for Nesta and her two friends to have achieved what they did, that they must have cheated somehow. If she had hurt the girl's feelings defending herself and her sisters-in-arms, well, then that was Adriana's own fault.

She would deal with Adriana later, but for now, she had to figure out how to make it up to Cassian. Nesta had noticed that wary look in his eyes, the way he had curled in on himself at her words. The mighty warrior, cowering away from her. It made her sick, the old familiar voice of self-loathing rising from the back of her mind once again to tell her what she had always known, that she didn't deserve him, and that nothing she had done since their mating had changed that.

Her mate, he was her mate. They were bound together by fate, their souls intertwined so deeply they could never be pulled apart. This was just part of the process, part of the journey. And Cassian would wait for her, wait for her to become the better person he believed her to be she told herself. No matter how long it took.

At this thought, something cold writhed in her stomach, something angry and hurt that whispered something different than self-loathing. It isn't fair.

Pushing that feeling away, Nesta snatched her book back up. She would fix this, just like she always had, and things between them would be alright again.

Cassian

Nesta hadn't been home when he returned, likely down at the river house eating with Feryre and Nyx. Cassian considered joining them, but in the end didn't want to face Feyre's knowing gaze, to see Rhys and Feyre together with their son, so blissfully happy.

Instead, he ate alone, then went to bed and lay there, praying to The Mother for sleep to come quickly. As night fell, he heard Nesta return as her footfalls echoed down the hall. The door to their bedroom, her bedroom originally, creaked open, and she snuck quietly in.

Nesta's eyes widened when they landed on him, realizing he was awake, and sorrow quickly replaced her surprise. An apology was written there, and apology she would never speak out loud. She made her way to the bed, her eyes never leaving his, and reached for him in the dark. Cassian felt his blood heating as she settled between his legs, that damned apology still shining on her face as she pulled the blankets off of him followed by his undershorts.

Cassian groaned as she took him in his mouth, throwing his head back in pleasure. Although it wasn't entirely in pleasure, he knew. He just couldn't stand that damned look on her face anymore.

Nesta

Nesta felt a surge of triumph as Cassian wove his hand into her hair, gripping her tightly as she worked him. It had become a ritual for them, over the years, whenever they argued to make it up to each other in the bedroom.

Because no matter how angry they got, how much they hurt each other, this is where they could always find each other again. In the space between their bodies, in the cries of pleasure torn from their throats, they would always be able to connect, to revel in their bond and remember why they loved each other, why they would make it.

But...something was different this time. And if Nesta was being honest with herself, it had been different the last few times before this too. Cassian wouldn't look at her. Before, they had devoured each other with their eyes as hungrily as they had with their hands and mouths. They had shared every moment of ecstasy locked in a loving gaze. But Cassian wasn't looking at her, and when they were done, as she sought his face out after she collapsed next to him, his eyes were already closed.