AN: I felt a little silly for posting a fic in a fandom that has less than 20 fics on Ao3, so it's going up here too. I know people like this pairing (at least ironically) despite the lack of fic, so I hope y'all enjoy the actual effort I put into this lol
"So you're telling me that you two are a couple?"
The merchant ham eyed the two of them with a suspicious squint, keeping the handkerchief filled with his wares firmly over his shoulders. Merchants like him were usually eager to spread their goods out in brazen display and make a sale to any naïve hamster who walked into their line of sight, but this one displayed a rare sense of restraint.
"Darn tootin'." Howdy's fingers were clasped together in front of him. "Got a problem with that?"
Dexter frowned, chewing lightly on his tongue. This was ridiculous. This whole scheme was ridiculous, the kind of thing he'd normally use as an example of Howdy's idiocy, but he had no choice but to swallow his pride and go along with the plan. Dexter hated to admit it, but Howdy did know a lot more about bargaining and sales than he did, being from a convenience store and all, so he kept quiet and let him talk. Though, if he could gather his thoughts properly, Dexter would say it was a bit arrogant of the merchant to deny them a sale. With his shop located on a loft that required a bothersome climb up a pipe, could he really afford to be picky? Why had this even turned into a scene? Oh, right. Because Howdy was here with him. Every day spent with Howdy eventually devolved into chaos.
Pashmina, Dexter reminded himself. This farce was for Pashmina.
The merchant ham blinked at Dexter before turning to Howdy. "Yeah… The ID cards are supposed to be for real couples only. That's why they're required. So jokers like you two don't try to come in and scoop up the prize from two ham-hams who are actually together."
Howdy scoffed, his chest puffing out as he glared at the merchant. "I don't believe it. Can you believe it? Hamsters these days!" He shot an arm towards Dexter, yanking him flush against his side.
"Uh…" Dexter coughed in an attempt to recover from Howdy's impulsiveness. He wasn't used to being this close to Howdy (close to anyone, really), and as the merchant raised an eyebrow, Dexter figured it probably showed. He nodded curtly, closing his eyes. "Yes. You're right. Unbelievable. J-just because we're both men…" Dexter trailed off, unable to continue.
"No, I sold two buff guys an ID card an hour ago," the merchant said nonchalantly. "It's because you two are obviously not a couple."
"Whaaaat?!" Howdy laughed, giving Dexter a few hearty pats on the back. "I don't know where you got that idea, buddy. Dexter's my lovedove."
Dexter barely held back a grimace. Lovedove was a strong word, especially when on most days Dexter would be hard-pressed to consider himself hamigos with Howdy. Lovedove was the kind of word he imagined saying to Pashmina on a romantic day trip to Fun Land's spinning teacups, and certainly not in a situation such as this. It didn't seem to bother Howdy, however, as the other hamster held him tighter and started rattling off every word he could think of to try and convince the merchant of their nonexistent relationship.
"He's the cutest when he's blushie, and when he smiles, it's the most dazzlie thing you ever did see! Why, I'd be lost-T without him!"
Dexter tried to smile, his palm feeling awkward inside Howdy's death grip. "Yeah, Howdy's really… um, greatchu…" Dexter was ashamed of his lackluster vocabulary and simplistic sentence structure, but he found it difficult to spend energy on sounding intelligent when his brain was preoccupied with Howdy's proximity. Besides, he didn't have his dictionary on him, so he couldn't remember that many words.
"Aww, c'mon Dexter, no need to be so nervous." Howdy rubbed Dexter's arm in a reassuring gesture. Dexter felt his fur, which was starting to stick up in apprehension, smooth back into place with every one of Howdy's soft strokes. Dexter let out a small, barely perceptible breath, and he noticed Howdy's fingers twitch before continuing their comforting touches.
The merchant was steadfast. "You two were fighting the whole way up here. All because you couldn't agree on the best way to read a flyer."
"We run hot n' cold! It's just how we are!"
Dexter scanned his mind for any words that would sound remotely convincing, but his nerves were too focused on Howdy's touch, and the only thing he could come up with was tinglie. Dexter filed the thought under Things to Never Think Around Howdy Ever Again.
Howdy huffed, and pulled Dexter to the side. The loft wasn't big enough to move out of earshot, but sometimes Howdy liked to do things on principle. "Well, I'm fresh out of ideas. You got anything, partner?"
He didn't know why, (Howdy used partner in a platonic sense all the time) but that set him off. Dexter's skin prickled with goosebumps. His fur seemed alight with static electricity as he mumbled "Tinglie," under his breath.
Howdy heard. The merchant heard. Everyone heard. Dexter hid his face as he turned as scarlet as his bow tie.
"U-uh, yeah!" Howdy flapped his arms in a panic. "Yeah, that's right! I make Dexter tinglie! How about that!"
The merchant turned his head and cleared his throat. "That's uh... Wow..."
Everyone was varying shades of red. The merchant held out an ID card, pulling it away before Howdy could snatch it from his paws.
"50 sunflower seeds," the merchant said.
Howdy must've been frazzled, because he didn't even complain. He fished around in his apron for the payment. Dexter, desperate to leave before he spontaneously combusted, spotted him 20 seeds. The merchant handed Dexter the card. In the dim lighting, it was hard to read, but the words official couple burned stark red against the white card stock. Dexter swallowed. He felt... anxious. The knot in his throat wasn't exactly dread, but it was unknown. Scary. Made his mind feel like it was in even more of a rush. Kind of like the feeling he got the split second before the super coaster's big drop, except stretched over the moment like a rubber band, threatening to snap.
Howdy gave Dexter another strong pat on the back, knocking him out of his thoughts. "We should get crackin' on Ghost Night."
"Ah, right," Dexter said. His brain felt a little foggy. "The spooktacular prize."
He walked towards the pipe to exit the shop, but he tripped over his own paws, and tumbled into a roll. He fell down the pipe, vaguely aware of Howdy's distressed yelp as he hit every bump on the way down. Dexter came to a stop flat on his back, and stared at the flickering light bulb on the ceiling that lit up the entryway of the manor. The light seared at his eyes, and he thought he could see stars.
"Dexter? Buddy?" The light was eclipsed by a Howdy-shaped blob. Dexter sat up with a groan.
"I'm okay. Let's get going."
The bouncer, who must have seen and or heard at least part of what had just happened, let them through the mouse hole to access the rest of the manor without a fuss. Once inside, Dexter took a seat on a set of hamster-sized sofas while Howdy pestered a sleepy old staff member for a keycard and instructions on their first set of spooktacular activities. Dexter rubbed his head, assessing the damage. He figured he had a bruise or two, but he'd be fine. Probably. If Howdy didn't kill him some other way tonight.
Howdy strode over, flashing the shiny bronze card. "Y'all right?"
Dexter replied with a "Yep-P."
"Back there at the shop," Howdy said. "Where'd that come from?"
Dexter stiffened. Howdy seemed... impressed? Not repulsed, or embarrassed, or any of the things he should've been. For a moment, Dexter wondered if Howdy had hit his head, too. Dexter snapped his head to the side with a huff.
"I don't know. I didn't mean it."
Howdy scoffed. "Oh, really?"
"Really."
"Because when I say 'tinglie', I mean tinglie." Howdy crossed his arms.
"Well when I say 'tinglie'," Dexter snapped, "I mean... something else."
Howdy rolled his eyes, but he let the subject drop. He gestured with the bronze keycard to the elevator. "The old coot said we need to use this to find a card for that."
"Sounds simple enough." Dexter hopped off the sofa and straightened his bow tie.
"You wanna top?" Howdy asked.
"Excuse me?"
Howdy's smirk was like a cat's. "For hamlift. When we find the card for the elevator."
Dexter sputtered. "You... are terrible!" His paws clenched, and he felt his blood heat up with a bubbling rage. "You are my hamspar! Nothing more!"
Howdy cackled. He gave Dexter a good smack on the shoulder. "I'm messing with ya."
Dexter grumbled. "Terrible..."
"But you did hit your head, so..." Howdy pulled his paw back to scratch sheepishly behind his ear.
That was a good point. "I will stand on your head for hamlift," Dexter muttered.
There was an awkward silence between them. Dexter busied himself with his bow tie, even though it was already perfect. Howdy watched him, refraining from further jokes or teasing, which Dexter thought he'd appreciate but it only made the silence even more unnerving. Finally, Dexter couldn't take it anymore, and he turned around, marching down one of the hallways at random. He scowled at Howdy over his shoulder.
"Well? Are we getting that prize for Pashmina or what?"
Howdy's ears perked up, and he scrambled to follow. "Right, right! Spooktacular prize, watch out!"
Dexter sighed. Finally, things were back to normal between him and–
"When you say, 'or what'," Howdy started, "do you mean what? Or what?"
"Whatever!" Dexter snarled.
The night couldn't end soon enough.