Murdoc Niccals called an emergency meeting.
With Murdoc an "emergency" could be anything from impending nuclear annihilation to an ingrown toenail.
Meetings at Murdoc and Kimberly's house always took place at the large kitchen table. They often became loud and occasionally slightly violent, but they also involved snacks of some sort, so balance was achieved.
Murdoc's captain's hat was perched on his head. His pipe sat on the table. Kimberly did not allow smoking in the house, but it was only for effect anyway.
Once everyone was settled and 2D's mouth was full of fudge, Murdoc began.
"I'm sure you're wondering why I asked you all here-"
"I wasn't," said 2D.
Russ shook his head. "Nope."
"I live here," Noodle pointed out.
"As you all know, I have achieved greatness in yet another field of entertainment. 'Some Like it Medium' is on track to be a record breaking musical."
"What records?" Noodle asked.
"Highest grossing musical ever directed by me. But a good artist never rests on their laurels-"
"What's that mean?" 2D asked. "Is that a kind of sofa?"
"It's a plant," Noodle explained. "The ancient Romans made crowns and-"
"Give that plonker a history lesson on your own time," Murdoc interrupted. "As I was saying, we can't coast on this wave of success forever. Therefore I am demanding ideas from all of you for our next smash hit."
"I gave you the last one," Russ said. "Think it's time the other two got a chance."
"I was thinking of one about a bloke that gets swallowed by a whale," 2D mused, leaning back on his chair.
"No one is interested in your autobiography," Murdoc responded.
"We did Russ's, didn't we?"
"Yes, but his life is interesting. Try again."
"I'd watch a musical about Frog and Toad," 2D offered next.
"Sounds good." Noodle stood. "Has my vote. Good night."
"Sit down." Murdoc chewed on his pipestem and glared at her. "Haven't heard anything from you."
She pointed at the tray on the table. "Write a musical about sweets. All set."
2D nodded, already composing songs about jam jumbles in his head.
"I'll ask you to take this a bit more seriously, thank you very much," Murdoc growled.
"Murdoc, I have to be on a plane in a few hours!"
"That's another thing," Murdoc said. "You can't keep running out on me when I need you."
"Murdoc! I have a job!"
"Your job is MY guitarist."
Noodle sat down. "I came to write this musical and I did. You never said anything about doing more than one!"
"We have to give the fans what they're clamoring for! More music! More excitement! More me!"
"I'm hardly going to be here at all now that spring is here."
Murdoc blinked. "Are you the Easter Bunny now?"
2D looked hopeful.
"Earth Day. Spring time. People planting and flowers blooming and animals frisking and me doing my job."
"You still have me, Murdoc," 2D put in helpfully. "
"You got me," said Russ.
"I need all of you!"
"I can't be in two places at once, Murdoc!"
"Actually, you could be." Murdoc looked thoughtful. "You know, I've half a mind to dig up the cyborg and put her to work for me. Why not?"
"Dig her up?" 2D asked. "Did you bury her?"
"Metaphor, Double-dunce," Murdoc grunted.
"She still around?" Russ asked. "I'm sort of unclear on that point."
"Murdoc, you said you unfriended her because she kept sending you yoga pictures," said 2D.
Russ said, "She was playing in a band. In Lincolnshire. I saw the poster."
2D mentioned, "Come to think of it, she did call me about a motorcycle she was thinking of buying."
Russ looked at Noodle. "But you said you were using her head to hold your bonsai."
"And we all saw her right on Plastic Beach when it was destroyed," 2D pointed out.
Murdoc cleared his throat. "Well. Fact is. Would never have made sense to put all my Noodles in one basket. I may have made more than one. It's possible I made more than two. You see, I was distraught at the time. Utterly beside myself with grief. My memories are a bit hazy."
"We've run into that hazy memory of yours before," Noodle said.
"I'm an emotional man, Noodle." Murdoc placed his hand gently over his heart. "All we have to do is find you. I mean her. Well, one of her. Not that there are more, of course. Probably."
2D suggested, "We can put out an advert. S'how we got her last time."
"That was me you got! Not the knock-off!"
Murdoc waved a hand airily. "Yes, but she was designed to do the same things. Some of the same things. Two of the same things."
Noodle folded her arms and glared. "You are not doing this, Murdoc."
"Would she still be a teenager?" 2D asked. "That'd mean she still has a crush on me." He giggled.
Noodle turned to include 2D in her glare.
"She's been living her own life, moron," said Murdoc. "She's a clone not a robot. Not completely. Only partially. She ages like anyone else. She's not stupid, either."
"She won't have my emotions," said Noodle. "Or my memories. She'll have her own - starting when she was created. After I was murdered. In cold blood."
Murdoc sighed. "At some point you need to stop living in the past."
"And her own psychoses and pain-riddled night-mares and coping skills," Noodle continued.
"You do go on."
"It makes sense to me," said Russ. "You got the Hip-hop machine for when I'm not around.
"And we have a kitchen chair for when our feckless frontman isn't around," Murdoc added.
"It's not the same thing!" Noodle exclaimed.
Murdoc said breezily, "Well it's three against one here-"
"2D hasn't voted," Noodle pointed out.
"He'll vote as I tell him," said Murdoc. "Plus if one of the cyborgs were here, they'd vote with us. All of them would. If there are more than one. Which there might be. Probably bored as anything by now."
Noodle shook her head. "I can't believe you're seriously considering this."
"We're not considering it." Murdoc stated. "It's done. Motion carried. Mission accomplished. The defense rests."
"Meeting adjourned," said Russ.
2D added, "Amen."
Noodle gave one last disbelieving look and stomped downstairs to her apartment.
2D Goes Home
The door slammed.
Lily rushed to greet 2D in the entryway. "I swear to the saints- if you keep slamming that damn door! Also, I love you and how was your evening?"
"Sorry, Lil. I love you too. And it was nice. I brought you home some fudge." He handed her the plate and then followed her into the kitchen. "Is Matilda sleeping?"
Lily nodded and stuck the plate in the fridge.
"I wanna go look at her," 2D said. He tiptoed into the bedroom and regarded the small bundle in the bassinet. He reached over and stroked her cheek. Lily watched from the doorway, then joined him. "She's so pretty," he whispered.
"I still can't decide which of us she favors," Lily said softly.
2D kissed the top of his wife's head. "We're both pretty, so it don't really matter."
They went back into the kitchen and 2D made tea.
"What exactly did Murdoc want?" Lily asked. "A lifetime achievement award? A loan to buy Radio City Music Hall? An alibi for the past thirty years?"
2D took the fudge back out of the fridge.
"You remember Cyborg Noodle?"
Lily set her teacup down. "I don't remember her, no. But I read about her when I was studying up on exactly what I got myself into by falling in love with you."
2D said through a mouthful of fudge, "You made your decision, Lil. No takesies-backsies."
"I'm not complaining. So why was the cyborg the topic of conversation this evening?"
2D swallowed. "Murdoc wants to write another musical. Says this one's getting stale. So he told us what he wants and I said okay and Russ said okay and Noodle said are you crazy I have a job and you only said one musical and there's no way and Earth Day is coming up and I'm busy being the Easter Bunny. Something of the sort."
"Sounds like 'no' however you slice it."
2D nodded. "And Murdoc-"
"-was Murdoc," Lily finished.
"So he said all right then, I'll use the cyborg instead."
"Use her? I thought she was destroyed?"
"Noodle killed her. They fought at Plastic Beach when I was already inside the whale's tummy."
"I'm reminding myself again that I knew what I was getting into."
"Noodle took her head as a souvenir and kept a plant in it. But Russ saw her on a concert poster. And I used to text her. And Murdoc was getting pics from her, too. So there musta been two. But then we saw one still in the sub when we went back to Plastic Beach. So if she had been in the sub all that time she couldn't have been the one we were all chattin' with."
"So there's another one."
"Looks like."
Lily sighed and rested her chin in her hands. "I'll add that to the file 'Things Murdoc Thought Were a Good Idea at the Time'."
"Yeah. So anyway, he wants us to find her."
"And how exactly is that to be accomplished?"
"We're supposed to split up and look for her."
Lily was silent.
"I knew you were going to say that-"
"I didn't say anything."
"Thass what I mean. But I had a great idea. I don't really have to go anywhere - I can just tell him I am! Like I can go places and take pictures and he's not going to know the difference. I mean, the ocean looks like an ocean wherever you're lookin' at it from, right? So I take nice little trips with Matilda, and I tell him I'm searching."
Lily stared at 2D for a moment. "Stuart. That's perfect! You're brilliant!"
2D dropped his teacup. "I am?"
Russel Goes to Maris's House
"This is fucking ridiculous," Maris said. "Go off looking for her? This is the 21st century. We search on computers now. Very up-to-date. Efficient. This- this is a load of bullshit. Therefore exactly what I should expect from Murdoc, right?"
Russ nodded. Maris was on the couch, flipped upside down, staring at him balefully.
He folded his hands across his stomach. "I'm used to dealing with him. You just tell him what he wants to hear and move on with your life."
Maris laughed. "That's what my mother does. So you're not going anywhere?"
"I am. Figured this is a good chance to take a little trip."
Maris sat up straight. "And who's expected to cover for you while you're tripping?"
Russ was silent.
"Right. Okay. Sure. I'll work seven days a week, 12 hours a day, manage all the staff, run myself ragged. Of course I will."
"Knew I could count on you."
"That was sarcasm, boss."
"I knew that too."
Maris flopped against the back of the sofa. "How long?"
"Until we find her or he realizes this was a stupid idea."
"Until you find her, then."
"Murdoc and 2D will be looking too."
"I repeat: until you find her, then."
He shook his head. "Got a route planned out. I'm coming back when I'm done."
"What's your route?
He slid the lock screen up on his phone and handed it to her. A red line meandered across the map of the US.
"I assume there's a purpose? You never do anything without a reason."
"Looked online for 'best hot sauce in America' and these restaurants came up. Going to go check out the competition. Get some ideas."
Maris handed the phone back to Russ. "You are an absolute genius."
"Everything is an opportunity. Just gotta look at it the right way."
Maris flipped herself upside down again. "That's why I always sit like this."
Murdoc Goes to Bed
"I don't suppose there's any way you can use your- status to assist with Noodle-quest, my sweet pineapple?"
Kimberly slipped a filmy yellow nightgown over her head. "If you need help on the Celestial Plane, I'm persona non grata up there. If you need help Below, there's any number of demons we could send in. But you're searching the Earthly Realm, and I have no agents at my disposal here."
"You found me when I was in jail."
"That was Urdek and Zor'annon, and they had a bureaucratic trail to follow." She slipped into bed.
Murdoc joined her. "Did I ever properly thank you?"
"Oh, you did, you did. But I'm happy to be thanked again. Asmodeus?"
"Hm-m-m?"
"How long do you think it will take?"
"Well, I am a bit knackered, but I think I can manage at least fifteen minutes."
"Not what I meant. How long will it take to find her?"
He dropped back against the pillow and put his hands behind his head. "No idea."
She laid her head on his chest. "I never mind you taking off, of course. You do what you please, always. But-"
He shifted to look at her.
"My love, my eternity- I'm starting to think about how limited our time is here. Maris is engaged. 2D has a baby. Life is moving on. As it should. But it's moving faster than it used to."
Murdoc laid his head back down. Then he shifted to put his arms around her.
Noodle Goes to Edinburgh
Noodle fumed as she packed. She fumed as she called a taxi. She fumed as she left without saying goodbye to either Murdoc or Kimberly. She fell asleep on her flight to London. But she had to change at Heathrow, so she had a chance to fume afresh on her way to Edinburgh.
"He's insane. Utterly insane." She didn't even wait to get out of the airport car park before exploding. She glared at the city as Neil sped toward his apartment.
"I'm not wanting to play devil's advocate- poor choice of words. But this is exactly what one expects of him, isn't it?"
"I can still be hacked off, Neil."
"Of course you can, love," he soothed. "Get it all out before we get back to my place, though. I'll need all your focus at that point.
Noodle allowed herself a smile. "I can complain after, right?"
"I'd prefer you didn't."
She certainly had nothing to complain about as far as the welcome she received.
She waited until they showered and headed out for dinner before she explained. She shocked Neil by stopping for cigarettes after they parked.
"I had no idea."
"I rarely do. Sometimes when I'm writing. Sometimes when I'm pissed." She laughed. "Even 2D cut back when Lily got pregnant. But only an act of god could separate Russ from a cigar."
She finished it quickly.
"Now I have you out in public you have to behave yourself," Neil teased after they ordered. "What has he done?"
Noodle outlined Murdoc's idea and the history leading up to it. "He needed a guitarist and a body-guard. She was armed to the teeth. Quite literally."
"Every time I think-" He shook his head. "When was the last time anyone saw her?"
"There is a great deal of conflicting information on that point."
Neil contemplated this for a moment. "I can understand your reluctance to look for her."
"Not reluctance. Flat out refusal." Noodle finished her wine. "The only good thing is that none of them are likely to find her either."
2D Goes to Slide Mountain
2D decided the best way to get a good view was to go as high as possible. He buckled Matilda into her car seat and headed for the hills.
It was a muddy climb up Slide Mountain, but 2D managed. There was a rectangular stone near the end of the trail that marked the highest point. He read the words on the plaque, and climbed on it. Then he wiggled the baby free of the carrier and held her up over his head.
"Now you're the highest thing in the Catskills, Matilda. How do you like that?"
Matilda fussed a bit.
"Me too. Soon as we find a nice place I got it covered."
A bit further up he came across a wide rock ledge with an incredible view of the mountains. A park ranger chatted with some hikers a few yards away. She nodded to 2D in a friendly fashion and he waved. Then he searched for a flat area to sit and stretch out his legs.
"Perfect, innit?" he asked the baby. He laid her across his lap and kept a hand on her while he shrugged off the day pack on his back. "We can enjoy the view and have a snack." He pulled out an insulated bag and unzipped it. "Only mum said no trail mix for you so this is what you get."
Matilda didn't seem to mind. She relaxed in her father's arm and took to the bottle eagerly.
"Not too fast. Don't fancy you burping it up all over me as soon as you're done." He scanned the wide expanse of forest below them. "There's lots of people down there just doin' whatever they're doin'. Cyborg Noodle could be there only she's too small for us to see from here." He nodded, satisfied. "So s'not really cheating, right?"
Russ Goes to Big Tommy's Eats
Russel Hobbs sped west along the interstate with windows down, music blasting, and cigar clenched in his teeth. A notebook lay on the passenger seat, its cover and pages flapping now and then as the wind hit them. The first page listed all of Russ's intended stops in his small, neat handwriting. He'd compiled a list of restaurants reputed to serve "the best hot sauce" in the United States, and was off to see whether any of his competition lived up to the hype. And maybe find a little inspiration for future creations.
He wasn't going in numerical order; that didn't lend itself to an organized trip. Instead, he mapped out the top five and plotted a circular route that would bring him back to New York in a reasonable amount of time. Reasonable enough for Murdoc to believe he had actually been looking for Cyborg Noodle, and not for sauce samples. First up: Big Tommy's Eats.
Russ's face was on the front of his bottle because he stood behind it. Staring at the neon sign in the window, Russ wondered if Big Tommy was just a creative decision, or if Big Tommy was actually back there on the grill, baring his soul to the world with every plate he filled.
He was greeted and seated by a petite blonde with a dazzling smile. The menu was standard fare, but he was drawn immediately to the red pepper-burst labels indicating which selections came with Big Tommy's Sauce.
His Inferno Burger was dripping with it. He gathered some in a spoon and sniffed cautiously. Definitely poblano. Something similar to Strain 17. Grown in soil slightly more alkaline than what he used in Guadalajara. He tasted it. Trinidad scorpion? Very little sweetener, unusual flavor. Flower nectar of some sort? And just the tiniest nod to a citrus - Moroccan citron, if he had to make a guess. Which he did.
He used his fries to sop up the sauce pooled on his plate. His thick chocolate shake worked well to quell the flames.
The smiling waitress returned to check on him. "Whaddya think? Hot enough?"
Russ nodded. "Could I get a little cup of it here, for my last few fries? Maybe in a container with a lid, in case I have some left over?"
"Sure thing. I don't recall anyone ever asking for more! Usually they regret what they had - but they always come back." She gave the table a little tap and headed for the kitchen.
She did not return. In her place, a tiny woman with iron grey hair and narrowed eyes marched out and stood by his table, fists on her hips.
"Looking for a to-go cup, are we? Jenna back there trying to fill one for you."
The waitress hurried out. "Gramma, he just wanted some extra-"
The old woman snorted. "He got two fries left there. He don't need this. He just wanna take some home." The old woman leaned in and pinned Russel with her bright blue eyes. "Do you know who I am?"
"You're a very fine cook," Russ said politely.
"I'm Big Tommy. I stake my reputation on this sauce - my family recipe. Know what else?"
"What's that, Big Tommy?" Russ asked.
"I know who you are, Mr. Hobbs. And you ain't taking this sauce to try to figure out what my secrets are. This is my sauce, this is my restaurant, and that's the door you need to walk through before I throw you through the window right next to it." She turned and stomped back into her kitchen.
Jenna dropped his check on the table. "Thank you for stopping by," she whispered.
Murdoc Goes to Macedonia
Murdoc asked himself, "Now, if I were a cyborg duplicate of a guitarist/assassin/nag, where would I be?" On a hunch he flew from New York to Skopje.
He stayed at the Hotel Aleksander Palace, feeling the name made it grand enough to house him, whether or not the cyborg would be staying there. "She might be on the more frugal side, but there's no reason for me to skimp, eh?" he asked Kimberly on the phone that evening.
"Nothing but the best for my beloved beast," she replied. "Do you need extra for anything?"
"No, no, no, my sweet rodochori cherry. This is band business and I shall be charging the band's account."
He treated himself to dinner at The Light Club, as a quick search advised him it was the best - no less than he deserved - as well as the most expensive - ditto. He ordered an entree from every category to make sure he would find something he liked: tagliatelle beefsteak, pork stuffed with leeks, and octopus.
As he ate he looked avidly around the restaurant to see if he spotted anyone who might resemble Noodle and by extension, her semi-robotic clone twin. Nope, nothing. He wiped his mouth with his napkin, added a generous tip to his bill, and headed back to his hotel. He looked at everyone in the immense hotel lobby as well, and he looked out the window as he enjoyed his complimentary Chateau Kamnik Merlot.
She wasn't in the sauna either.
Murdoc packed his bag in the morning, certain he had exhausted all his leads in Macedonia.
Noodle Goes to "The Fourth Annual Informational Focus on the Future" in Charleroi
Noodle flew to Belgium. She presented an award to a scientist, made excruciating small talk with a vendor, and fell asleep twice during the reception.
2D Goes to the Ocean
2D kissed Lily goodbye, buckled Matilda into her car seat, and drove to Jones Beach State Park.
They walk along the water, searching for shells. Matilda was too small for the playground, but she enjoyed watching the children while she had her lunch. They rattled over the boardwalk and admired the amphitheatre. "How'd you like to see daddy sing there? I'll write a song about you and you can sit right in the front row. And when you're older you can sing with me."
They picked up some salt-water taffy for Lily, and toured the Teddy Roosevelt Nature Center. "Says teddy bears were named after him and you got one of those. So this is very relevant. Pay attention."
They ended their holiday with a walk down to the end of a pier. 2D held Matilda up so she could see.
She wiggled her feet excitedly.
"Did you see Cyborg Noodle? I bet you did." He gazed at the ocean. "There's lots of ships and boats and things out there. There's even submarines. I know she's been in one of them before. So she might actually be out there. Quite likely. So s'not really cheating, right?"
Russ Goes ... Somewhere.
After two hours of looking at corn fields, Russ turned left.
After three more hours of looking at corn fields, Russ turned right.
After another hour of looking at corn fields Russ pulled over and checked his phone yet again. Still no signal.
He looked around, but all he saw was corn and signs informing him of the variety of corn planted in the field. Though there didn't seem to be much variety in the corn planted in the field. No buildings. No sound of tractors. No hint of non-vegetative life except a crow sitting on top of one of the signs.
He opened the back door of his rental and pulled out a cooler. A drink and his leftovers from lunch would help him think. He had long since run out of travel snacks; a few crumbs in the front seat and a bag filled with smaller, crinklier bags gave evidence to that.
He sat down on the edge of the seat and unwrapped a barbequed pork sandwich, gazing at the green waves of grain.
"In your great wisdom you seek mine."
"I'm not so famished that I'm hallucinating am I?" he asked his sandwich. "Though that would be preferable to a lot of other things I could name."
"Many think me a mere hallucination. Many think me a voice inside their head. Some think me a source of enlightenment. Those are the ones whose minds are fully opened to receive knowledge. In your great wisdom you seek mine."
Russ heaved a sigh and stood. He turned and rested his arms along the roof of the car and regarded the crow.
"I should have known. You have wisdom?"
The crow cocked its head. "Many seek my wisdom."
"You've mentioned. Still haven't heard any."
The crow looked offended, drawing itself up to its full height. "All I have said is wisdom."
Russ nodded. "All information is a source of wisdom. Just have to know how to look at it."
"Now we're cooking," responded the crow. "In your wisdom you seek-"
"I wasn't actually seeking you."
"We find what we seek whether we are aware we are seeking or not."
"And we are seeking all our lives. To live is to seek."
"Right again," said the crow. "You looking to steal my job?"
"The sign wouldn't support me. So where is this wisdom you're offering?"
"Hear this, Russel Hobbs: What you seek is in front of you."
"Kansas?"
"It's a metaphor. Come on."
"Sorry."
"We'll try again." The crow ruffled its feathers. "Hear this, Russel Hobbs: What you seek has always been yours."
"Still sounds like how to get back to Kansas."
"Fine. Let's make it easy. What do you think you're seeking?"
"The highway."
"I'm not Alexa, you know." The crow deflated. "Go another 45 miles or so then take a left at the Schaeffer farm and go another 20 miles."
"That will get me to the highway?"
"No, it will get you to a gas station where you can buy a damn map. Don't rely on technology for all your information. There's some wisdom for you." The crow cackled and flapped its wings.
"Thanks for your help," Russ said, and bent down to stick the cooler on the floor of the back seat. He closed the door and returned to the driver's side. "Hope you don't have to wait too long before the next wisdom-seeker passes by."
"Oh, not a problem. I keep myself pretty occupied. I travel a lot." He bounced a bit and seemed about to take off, then said, "Speaking of which, I wanna pass on something one of my friends said."
"Another bird?"
"Crows and ravens communicate with one another very well. Follow a science page or two, why don't you."
"What's the message?"
"Tell Murdoc that Cortez says he's a twat." And with that, the crow flew away.
Murdoc Goes to Canada
Murdoc flew from Skopje to Vancouver.
"But my sweet rhubarb, the last thing she would expect is for me to double back to North America."
"Leviathan, if I understand this correctly, she isn't expecting anything at all."
"You see? My plan works."
He booked a room at the Rosewood. The concierge was full of helpful information about tourist attractions and shopping.
"Did you know Vancouver is swiftly becoming one of the world's top cities for high end fashion?"
"Strange to say, I did not."
She handed him some brochures with his key card.
After a long shower and a selection of sandwiches and biscuits ordered from room service it dawned on him that he might have better luck looking if he left his room.
He thumbed through the brochures and decided the shops were as good a place as any to start. Perhaps one of these ritzy places might appeal to Cyborg Noodle. "She can't still be mucking about in drab military togs. Noodle has better taste, so stands to reason."
He looked for her in a posh lingerie shop. She wasn't there, but he did find something with laces and suspenders for Kimberly. With matching riding crop.
He checked a shoe store, but evidently the cyborg was not looking for new trainers. He found a pair of gold Gucci sandals. Kimberly wasn't a big fan of wobbly high heels but she'd wear these if he asked. She might be horizontal when she had them on anyway.
Breezing along Robson he spied a window with small versions of high fashion. He pushed the door open and a stylish looking woman in a purple dress pounced on him.
"Hi, I'm Ginevra." She smiled warmly. "What can we find for the special little one in your life?"
"I've no idea," he said, "but what she's wearing these days is downright dowdy. Neither of her parents have any taste."
"What's the sweetheart's name?"
"They call her Matilda. I call her little skunk."
Ginevra didn't miss a beat. "How old is she?"
"Haven't the vaguest idea."
"How big is she?"
Murdoc thought about it. "Let's see now. I shared a drink with her a week ago. She was this big." He put one hand to his shoulder and the other across his chest. "Yeah-h-h that feels about right."
Ginevra asked, "Is that with your hand on her back or her head?"
"That'd be her head. And the other right underneath. That's how you properly hold a baby. I've been instructed. Repeatedly."
"I'm guessing about a month or so. We'll get her three month and six month sizes. They grow so quickly. Is this your granddaughter?"
Murdoc took a very deep breath, held it for a moment, and answered, "Yes. Yes it is."
Ginevra guided him through racks and tables of rompers and bodysuits and overalls and dresses and bloomers. She selected colorful tights and several pairs of shoes. He pointed at this and that and the pile of clothes grew and grew. He added some hats - no fezes to his disappointment, but a nice fedora and wee captain's hat would suit.
"There is one last thing - unlikely you'll have it, but-"
She led him back into the sleepwear. "We have everything."
The bill was hefty, but he charged it to the band's account since all of it was for the daft one's offspring. He exited the store with three bags. Nestled in one, wrapped in pink tissue, was a pair of fleece pajamas with a raven on the front.
Noodle Goes to "The International Trade Seminar and Yearly Fishing Survey" in Minsk
Noodle flew to Belarus. She smiled for some pictures, pretended to be interested in a powerpoint presentation, and spent two hours doodling fish on her program.
2D Goes to Fort Henry William
2D switched the baby carrier from the car seat base to the stroller. "All set, Matilda? This is an educational trip today, so you need to pay attention."
The stroller crunched across the gravel. He pushed Matilda up to the ticket booth.
"Excuse me, was this a place where Americans tried to keep the British out, or is this where the British tried to keep the Americans out?"
"The Fort changed hands many times over the years. There are tour guides who will be happy to tell you everything, and there's also an interactive app you can download if you'd prefer to explore yourselves."
"Only I was wondering- because I'm from England but my daughter Matilda here was born in America so I was wanting to make sure we can both get in?"
"Not a problem, sir." The attendant smiled and passed him a ticket.
2D stood in front of a timeline detailing the shuffling of the fort's residents throughout the busy years when everyone was killing each other, stealing land, and avoiding being eaten by bears. "Fancy having to redecorate every time. French and British tastes differ quite a bit, you know. They use a lot more butter, for one." He frowned. "I bet not a single Christmas pressie ever made it to the right person."
He giggled over the cannon that was nick-named John Thomas. "You don't know why that's funny. If you want to know someday I'll tell you to ask your mum. Let's go down to the gift shop. Saw some hats that looked pretty sweet."
Before they left he put Matilda in the front carrier and climbed the steps of the West Redoubt. They looked down at the Hudson River. "This seems the type of place someone like Cyborg Noodle would visit. Being a weapon herself and all. She might have been here today, in fact. So s'not really cheating, right?"
Russ Goes to "Little Pinky's Hotter'n Hot"
It was pink.
And it was hot.
So before Russ even got out of the car he could see they delivered what they promised.
They held number one position.
He regretfully stepped out of the air conditioned rental and made his way across the parking lot. It felt like walking through a wet towel. He looked forward to heading north next, where spring made sense.
Thankfully a cool blast greeted him as he entered, and he seated himself as directed by a sign on the counter.
After a bustling waiter dropped off a menu, Russ decided to go with chicken this time.
The sauce arrived in a cup for dipping.
"You don't put it on?"
"We used to, but after the second lawsuit we figured best let the customers decide how much they want."
Russ raised the cup and took a sniff. His brow furrowed. He stirred it with his fork and smelled it again. He took a small taste.
If the Holy Grail existed, it was filled with this sauce.
The waiter stepped back, looking anxious. "If you don't like it, I can bring you something else. Honey mustard? Ranch?"
"No, thank you. But I wonder if I could speak to Little Pinky?"
The waiter took a step back. "Um. I'll go check if he's free."
Russ waited, and a minute later one of the largest men he had ever seen burst out from the swinging doors.
"You ain't happy with your food?"
"It's the sauce, Little-"
"You ain't happy with that sauce? I'll have you know that sauce-"
He broke off with a yelp. "It's- it's you! I can't believe it! Right here in my restaurant!"
Little Pinky turned and thundered back through the doors, and returned with a bottle of hot sauce.
He held it at arm's length next to Russ's face. "Look at that! Looks just like you!" He clutched the bottle of Ghost Based Killah in excitement. "What brings you here, Mr. Hobbs?"
"Saw your restaurant on a website. Thought I'd visit. But in the end all journeys take us home."
Little Pinky nodded vigorously, his eyes alight. "Yeah. Yeah. That's right."
"You have a reputation for making the best hot sauce in the country."
"What? That's ridiculous! I never claimed I make this." He flipped Russ's menu over. "See? It's all about you!"
The back of the menu was devoted entirely to Hobb's Hot Sauce: history, photos, reviews, website. "We proudly serve the best hot sauce in the world!" it proclaimed.
"I don't know about the world," Russ said, handing the menu back to Little Pinky.
"Universe!" Little Pinky said rapturously. "Would you- could I get your autograph?"
Russ took the felt tip marker the waiter handed him and signed the bottle.
"Maybe a selfie?" Little Pinky asked hopefully. "I can put it right on the menu!"
Russ obliged, paid his bill after shaking Little Pinky's hand repeatedly, and headed back into the soaking humidity.
He turned the air conditioning on full blast as soon as got in the car. He picked up his notebook, and after regarding the list on page one for a moment or two, he ran a line through each of the remaining restaurants.
"What you seek has always been your own."
With a chuckle, he tossed the book into the backseat, and headed home to Queens.
Murdoc Goes to the Airport
Murdoc sat at Heathrow, looking at a list of departing flights on his phone. He flicked his finger across the screen, then stopped the list from scrolling at a random place. It was an ingenious way to leave his destination in the hands of fate. It wasn't working because he didn't want to go to any of the places fate had selected thus far.
He glanced up in time to see a familiar face pass by.
It was her.
Murdoc pocketed his phone and casually followed Cyborg Noodle down the hallway. She was headed toward terminal five. She had a bag slung over her shoulder and was looking at her phone as she walked.
Murdoc slid stealthily behind her. She paused and glanced around, and he ducked behind a potted palm, flattening himself against the wall. When he cautiously peeped out again, she was facing him, arms crossed.
"A-ha!" he cried. "I've trapped you- right- in my trap!" He cackled, "Who's the clever one now, eh?"
"Not you. Never has been. Never will be."
He stared at her.
"Murdoc, it's me. Actual Noodle. Original Noodle. I'm flying to Manchester. For work. That thing I do? Instead of chasing after wind-up toys?"
"Damn. I impressed myself with how realistic you were."
"My last stalker gave me chocolates."
"You still put him through a wall. Nothing to be gained by pandering to you." He turned on his heel and called back over his shoulder. "Have fun in Manchester."
He strode off to catch a plane to Dar es Salaam.
Noodle Goes to "Applying Calculus to the Science of Environmentalism: A New Approach" in Manchester
Noodle left the convention center shaking off one of the presenters, who was pressing her to join him for a drink. She had another speech to work on, and needed to get in some research regarding tiger populations.
"The four of you have too much time on your hands."
"It wasn't my idea." Noodle turned around. "It was all Murdoc."
"I have no problem believing that."
Murdoc was wrong: Cyborg Noodle did not have the same taste in fashion that Noodle did. She evidently still preferred basic black with a whisper of military.
"I like the beret," Noodle said. "Last time I saw it there was a gaping hole just beneath it."
"That wasn't me."
"I'd guessed. How many did he make?"
"Three. The original went on tour with him and 2D, and showed up on the island with the stylish new breezeway. And the back-up - you unceremoniously ripped her head off."
"We saw the original when Plastic Beach was destroyed."
"He grabbed her and took off during the pirate attack. Saved his own ass, as usual. He had the other one stored in the studio in case he needed her. She didn't boot up in time to help him, though. By the time she wiggled herself off the charger he was gone."
"Where do you come in?"
"Back-up to the back-up. In case of emergency, break glass." Cyborg Noodle smiled. "I got tired of waiting, so I let myself out. I found the plans for us in his laptop - his password is 'Murdoc is God,' by the way."
"You made more back-ups?"
"I got lonely. Why does he want me?"
"Same reason as last time: because he doesn't have me."
"He didn't kill you this time, though. There's hope for him yet."
"Little. I'm assuming you're uninterested?"
"He doesn't own me. Or any of us."
"How many are there now?"
"To be honest I have no idea. They've been making copies themselves. They have the DNA to start from scratch each time. No degeneration. All as good as the original - better. Because we kept Murdoc out of it."
"There could be dozens of me."
Cyborg Noodle laughed again. "We're not you. But we're as smart as you. And better armed."
"At any time you could have stepped in-"
"And taken over your life? That's how these stories go, right?" She rolled her eyes. "Can't imagine living your glamorous life of cutting ribbons for green shampoo companies and doing adverts for low carbon emitting underpants." The cyborg shook her head. "You used to kill people before breakfast. Now you eat a pastry and read the newspaper."
"I could still kill people if I wanted to!" Noodle said indignantly.
"One of us at least should remember what we were built for." Cyborg Noodle started to walk away. "The others who were made like me don't pose a threat. The others who were made like you - those are the ones I'd worry about."
2D and
Russ and
Murdoc and
Noodle go home
Murdoc presided over the kitchen table again. "I had some sightings. Here and there. Nearly had my hands on her at Heathrow."
"Murdoc that was me! I told you it was me!"
"Well, you might have been lying. How can we even be sure you're the real Noodle?"
"How rapidly could any of them shove your hat down your throat?"
Murdoc considered this. "Well, I suppose all of-"
"Which one would enjoy it the most?"
"Let's not try the experiment," Murdoc said. "The point is I had a series of devastating near misses."
"I probably did too, I think," 2D said earnestly. "I might have seen her in the woods one time. And possibly on a boat. And at a real military fortress. Would have been just the spot for her. So maybe I saw her," he finished uncertainly. "Only not close up."
Murdoc gazed balefully at 2D. "You never left New York."
"You kept posting pictures of the baby on Instagram," Russ said.
2D turned to Murdoc. "You follow me on Instagram?"
"And you, Russ? No leads? No information? No whispers of a woman laden with firearms?"
"I stayed in the states. That fits a lot of the women here."
He turned to Noodle. "No point in asking you. You weren't even looking. You never saw her." He sighed. "Not a single one of you took this seriously. We have nothing to show for any of it."
"I had lots of fun with my daughter." 2D smiled.
"I took a journey that led back to myself," Russ said.
"And since I sensibly never stopped working, I got several generous paychecks," Noodle stated.
Murdoc hesitated. "I- may need to borrow a smidge of that."
"Why?"
"Our manager informs me that the- coffers- are a bit low. Slightly pressed for funds. In fact, I've been advised that we should probably get to work on another album as soon as possible."
"Murdoc!"
"Well-l-l-l, I did rack up the odd expense or two. Since I was the only one who actually made an effort." He glared at the other three, who refused to look properly chastened.
"I need to get back home," 2D said. "I wanna tuck Matilda in."
Russ stood with a grunt. "I need to get a report from Maris. Woman deserves a raise."
Murdoc lifted a hopeful eyebrow at Noodle. She left the table and went down to her flat without another word.
Once downstairs she slipped into her swimsuit and headed up the stone steps from her patio to Kimberly's yard. She slid into the hot tub with a grateful sigh. There was no way Murdoc was getting his hands on her money to cover his personal world tour. She was open to the idea of a new project, though, as long as she could keep to her own schedule and not Murdoc's. Not even the cyborgs would take orders from him.
With a slight frown, Noodle considered what Cyborg Noodle meant by "the others who were made like you."