A long time ago...
in a non-canon galaxy far far away...
The Sith had a Death Star okay? They were way beyond cannons, the folks down on Aldebaran
only had leather weapons made with tannens!
Prologue:
Anyway...somewhere out in space
The Empire was still as strong as ever,
but a second flaw had been discovered deep within the confines of the Death Star...
the Dark Side has Dark Side Licorice Wiring of Darkness...
Turns out the licorice laced wiring was delicious...
Who would have guessed?
Not I said the cat.
So the Princess and her companions were on to the fact that the wiring was a delicacy of licorice goodness...
We join the Dark Side of the Force:
Darth Vader was seen flipping a TV remote in his "living room" while munching on fission chips.
The Death Star had taken a wrong turn at the R2 Detour-but Vader didn't know.
Who knows where the heck it will go?
Here's Vader:
"Just keeping up to date on what Earth technology is, so I can spy on the Navy's X47b airships-surveying various planets is part of my biz" said
Vader, as he stroked a robot kitty. Tarkin walked by, my what a pity.
"This isn't the robo kitten you're looking for" said Vader.
"Ah, Lord Vader, I am at your service," said Tarkin, giving Vader a military salute.
"Ah. Yes-yes, I see, it's you and your ugly face apparently. Then get out of the way of my vision, I find your lack of movement disturbing, more so than last weeks
shortage of delicious nuclear fission" said Vader.
Tarkinn took a droid in his arms and began dancing with it in front of the screen.
"I find that even more disturbing," said Vader, who then began using his evil force choking powers on Tarkin.
"Ahem, I shall refrain from all dancing" said Tarkin.
"You need to know that you are just a pawn, you'll never be me nor Grand Admiral Thrawn" said Vader.
"Right, understood. Affirmative!" said Tarkin, giving the Imperial Vader salute.
"Good," replied Vader. "Let me get back to my study of Naval ships, you figure out that flaw in my Death Star weapon, if any rebels get on board? Send them straight to
Heaven" explained Vader.
"What do you mean Lord Vader?" asked Tarkin.
"Kill them. Eviscerate them in fact-and never EVER sign any Princess Leia 'diplomatic' pact" huffed Vader.
"Vader, about the flaw in the Death Star, it is of uttermost importance, there's actually more than one.
The thermal exhaust port and then-that OTHER one that is second to none!" thundered Tarkin.
Vader simply scoffed, and paused for a long moment seemingly contemplating something.
He then gruffly said "Get out of here, bitch!"
So Tarkin left and repaired to his study. A room of electrical wire it was-this was no ordinary wire it came from a special land
on Planet Naboo, it tasted great but was shocking and eating it? Taboo.
"It tastes exactly like licorice, strange," noted Tarkin taking notes. "I sure hope that Vader doesn't know I chow down on this like horses eat oats"
"What's going on in there? How are my plans coming? Are the flaws in my device being worked out properly?" asked Vader.
"Yes, yes, all going swimmingly, my lord. You have nothing to fear" said Tarkin.
"Perhaps I do not. But you do. Don't make me destroy you!" said Vader.
"I will not make you destroy me. I obey your orders, Lord Vader" said Tarkin.
Vader rolled his eyes (within his helmet) and scoffed, walking back to the Living room of the Death Star, with a look
of disdain that even in his robot suit was easy to detect.
"Guards, get me ten cases of beer, and the Cantina Band going, I want to see grey aliens playing saxophone for me pronto! Do it or face my wrath!" ordered Vader.
Meanwhile, we join Luke, Han, and Leia. They have just snuck onboard the Death Star-somehow.
"Remember, we're on a diplomatic mission," said Leia.
"Ha HA! Good one," joked Han Solo.
"When I say Marco, you two say POLO!" said Leia, shooting down a stormtrooper.
"What was diplomatic about that? I think you just really like that word" said Luke.
"Aww Luke, don't be absurd. I LOVE the word diplomatic, like my new pet Alderanian bird!" replied Leia.
"Hey Luke, how come you had so much trouble building droids back on the Tatooine farm? Last I checked that was long before
Vader cut off your arm" said Han.
"They-they had a weakness, and I did too" said Luke.
Leia and Han looked at each other and giggled.
"What was the weakness? Were they just like C Threepio? Bought at the Darth Mall? With no insurance from Planet Gleepio?" asked Leia.
"The wiring that goes to a lot of galactic drones, weapons, and robots tastes like-like licorice. I don't understand it, its taste
is as mysterious as the Force. Obi-Wan never told me what that stuff was-and neither did Yoda. It's chewy and smooshy,
but sugary like soda!" explained Luke.
"Never mind that, let's just go stop Vader, before all the planets in the galaxy fall to that traitor" replied Leia.
Han Solo laughed.
"You two have fun, I won't bother you, I'll just stand here, dress up like a Stormtrooper and smoke. Tell me if you encounter Palpatine or Snoke"
said Solo.
"Are you sure about that Han?" asked Luke and Leia simultaneously.
"Yeah, I don't want to ruin anything for you two" said Han, flipping a quarter in the air and catching it with his teeth.
"Jeez, you sure don't mix up your words. Oh well, it's okay Luke, he'll be okay. He just wasn't feeling it to be in this story today"
explained Leia.
By the way-this entire time R2 D2 was beeping like a little bitch so loudly that he almost exploded.
"Aww, poor little beetch," said Leia, patting R2 on the head and comforting him.
"Not trying to bother you guys or ruin any fun for you" shouted Han from far away.
"You're not. I wish you had come with us! Are you insane?" shouted Leia.
There was no response from Han Solo.
Luke and Leia trudged forward with their blasters pointed every which way, moving about like spies in a music video.
They were deep in the Death Star and no one had noticed. Most of the Stormtroopers were watching soap operas on TV, and
Palpatine and Vader were having a good old fashioned Naval warplane watching jambree.
"If anything goes wrong, I'm here for you Luke, if we survive all this they should make you a Tatooine Duke!" said Leia.
"Ha-ha-haaaa," laughed a melodramatic deep sinister voice.
"Oh holy Yoda pellets Luke, our old man found us" said Leia.
"He's only gonna kill us, at least he won't ground us" said Luke.
Leia eyed Luke as if he were insane, and then chuckled.
"Oh well, at least this is all just a fanfic" said Leia.
"Yeah, where everything's a rhyme or a stupid quip" replied Luke.
Luke and Leia were force-lifted into a jail cell and tied up in wire.
"You two will never escape, you will both surely die. Now watch as I use my Dark Jedi force tricks to make you both fry" said
Vader, as he lifted his hand.
"NOOOOOOO! It's horrible! I'm burning" said Leia.
"Really? I don't feel anything" said Luke, as he began chewing on the wire.
Leia followed suit.
"Wow, what is that? I mean-OHHH IT'S SO TERRIBLE I'M GONNA DIE! Please spare us, and we won't keep aspy" said Leia.
"What are you two talking about? What has caused you to be immune to my power that you continue to underestimate?" asked Vader.
"I dunno. Tastes like licorice" said Leia, as she spilled the beans.
"It's extremely good, and I'll just confess-it's why every droid I tried to build turned out a mess" said Luke.
"Awww, it's okay Luke, at least you didn't make C Threepio. And at least your breath is minty fresh-unlike the Darthy dad of darkness. I'll be honest there's
money to be had in that gooey wirey stuff, it's worth a full harness!" said Leia.
"I refuse to participate in this foolishness," said Vader turning his back.
"No no, we're not bluffing. I never bluff," said Leia.
After hearing Leia claim she never bluffs, Luke could barely contain his laughter as he continued to chew on the wiring.
He pulled some apart, offering it to Leia and she chowed down on it as well.
"Come on Darth, it's-it's diplomatic" said Leia, chewing with her mouth partially full.
"Stop doing that, talking with licorice, don't you realize? It's unbecoming of a princess" said Vader, folding his arms.
"Come on Father, it's good," said Luke.
"It's not that good, in all honesty. Not as good as cinnamon rolls" said Leia.
"Is that why your hair looks like that?" asked Luke.
"Yeah," replied Leia.
"THAT DOES IT! It is time for true discipline" said Vader. He left the room, but not before whispering in Leia's ears "I'll be back"
Vader rushed out to Tarkin, but was shocked to see him chewing on the interior of the Death Star.
"TRAITOR!" shouted Vader.
"What? I was hungry" said Tarkin.
"Tarkin, you're out of character today. You're supposed to enjoy blowing up planets, slowly and not quick, you like it so much frankly even I find it sick.
You should enjoy slaughter, like me. What happened to you? Do I have to force choke you until you turn blue?" asked Vader.
"Go rap battle that German guy from Planet Earth and leave us all alone. Go spy on the US Navy with that brand new pyramid drone" said Tarkin.
Vader groaned.
"No, no-NOOOOOO-now I've even lost Tarkin" said Vader. He was horrified to see
Luke and Leia had escaped. Luke was madly chewing on the licorice wiring of C Threepio, who malfunctioned and started reciting lines
from a Shakespeare drama show.
"MY ROBOT! DESTROYED" said Vader. "Finally," he added.
"Let's all eat the Death Star," suggested Luke.
"Yes, but where's Leia?" asked Vader.
Tarkin was driving Leia nuts.
"Ahhh, my dear, are those edible?" asked Tarkin, running his hands through Leia's strange Danish roller hairstyle.
"For the tenth time, no" replied Leia.
Later...
"So, tell me my son, what made you like Licorice electrical wiring?" asked Vader.
"I dunno Dad, I guess it fills my heart with warm fuzz, also guess what? I'll be honest, it gives me a buzz" confessed Luke.
"I thought Tarkin could turn Leia to the Dark Side, but it isn't working" said Vader.
"It's okay, have some licorice" said Leia, offering a bowl of wires to Vader.
"You do realize that if you eat this ship we all die? Not just me and my troops?" asked Vader.
"Whoah, what's going on?" asked Luke.
"We're entering ludicriously ridiculous ultra fantastical super duper Hyper outlandish inconceivable acceleration. That's a fancy diplomatic word
for fast!" said Leia.
"We're entering a black hole" said Vader. He chuckled. "We're entering what the Book of Sith called the Void!"
Later...
Luke, Leia, and Vader woke up on a planet made of licorice trees.
"Awww, it's so cute," said Leia, picking up a baby Yoda and cuddling it in her arms.
"Yeah, it sure is" said Luke.
"I don't know but I feel like things are going to be just fine for the galaxy now" said Leia.
"I concur, pumpkin" replied Vader.
"Yeah, this planet rocks," said Luke.
"We're all one-happy-family now, this is all I EVER wanted! And somehow I was the bad guy" said Darth Vader, pounding on the ground with his fist and sobbing.
"I just have one question though-Leia why aren't you more worried about Han Solo?" asked Luke.
"HAN WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?" shouted Leia into R2-D2, who transmitted the message into deep space through
a two-way radio. Yeah, that means a walkie talkie.
"Leia, I found your home planet," said Han, through a CB radio communication device.
"How can you tell?" asked Leia.
"She doesn't remember because I erased her memory with a Jedi mind trick, but I blew up her planet. Haha, aren't I slick?" said Vader.
"Vader you lie-this has to be her planet. Everything looks like a giant cinnamon roll" explained Han Solo.
"Shove it," said Vader, hanging up the device. "He needs to realize we're a family now, we're-we're diplomatic"
Leia gave Vader a thumbs-up.
"Now you're speaking my language, Darathy" said Leia.
"But he chewed out Han Solo, he's your future husband you might someday play Polo" said Luke.
"Yeah? Well he abandoned us it seems so...It's diplomatic-time baby!" replied Leia, shooting down a robot vulture with a rocket launcher.
Just then Palpatine called.
"VADER! This is outrageous! Luke and Leia NEED to HATE you! Are you really a Sith? You always were a Jedi rat. I need you to take over every single planet in the universe and beyond! Watch as millions slowly die in agony, err, now that you're here! Excetera excetera! What are you doing?" shouted Palpatine.
"You're Darth Vader's master, but not that of me-Anakin Skywalker. I'm a family man now, you can shove it too! And that whole Death Star thing?
You think I would have ever been able to pay all that off? I hope it blows up! Up yours!" replied Vader, hanging up.
Just then Jar Jar appeared.
"Hi. Meesa Jar Jar Binx!" said Jar Jar.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! RUN!" shouted Leia.
Leia, Luke, and Vader ran for their lives. Will they survive?
By the way R2 D2 beeped again, and C3P0 translated but still no one knows what the heck he was actually saying.
THE END
Part 2 coming soon.