Honestly I don't know why.

The first thing I did after getting home from uni was to open my laptop and go to steam and type in "aoe2 Definite Edition". My hands were still soaked wet when I typed in the credit card code to buy the game. And so there I was, sitting in my chair in my tiny one bedroom shareflat, staring at my old fucked up laptop screen watching steam download the game.

I just sat there, listening to the rain hitting the windows and looking at the progress bar. Of course, I could ask myself what the fuck I did to get here but that's a dead horse, it's pointless to wonder about that now.

So now, 10 years later, here I am…

Really, I didn't know why.

First there was some bullshit about game performance and testing my laptop. What the fuck? You could play HD with a fucking toaster but now there's requirements and shit? What the fuck is wrong with game these days? And what's the point of the damn graphics, so that I can see the grass in 4k? What is the point of that? Everbody just downloads pussywood and clean terrain anyways.

But still, there was nothing I could do.

The performance test was some crazy mess with a gazillion AI fucking each other up. Impressive actually, reminds me of the Barbarian or Resbot. Guess technology's come a far way?

Anyways the game says that I'm fine. Ok, sure, whatever.

No matter how bad it is I'm sure it can't be worse than the fucking 300+ ping from HD.

Fine, fine!

No, I don't want xbox, fuck off.

What the fuck is this? Events? Icons? Is this fucking dota or someshit?

Fuck off and let me play Arabia!

141414141414

Jesus Fucking Christ.

There's ranked now?

Like an actual ranked queue? Whoa, have I been living under a rock or some shit? Has aoe2 finally joined the modern age? No more shiting through a gazliion lobbies on voobly when your friends aren't online to find a normal game without some pleb secretly setting the settings to wonder victory? Or having to play a clown because there's nobody your rate online?

Damn.

Fuck, even aoe2 is changing.

Even here, I'm the only one…

Whatever. I click on the damn icons and bunch of shit shows up. Free play? Empire wars? What the fuck? Fuck off just let me play 1v1 ara.

Okay, fine, so ranked…

Map bans?

Oh my fucking god.

Is this CS GO? What the fuck are these maps? Why is the fuck is Lombardia hereeee? Seriously? Am I supposed to be 1400 pleb or something? Don't tell me the pros play this ranked qeue. Seriously? How the fuck does MBL play these maps? Or Hera? There's no way he's on DE, not with these shit maps.

No fucking way.

I will get 2k and join secret before I see MBL willingly playing arena and nomad. No fucking way.

Ok so there's map bans or something. 3 map bans…huh.

Pick your poison huh?

You know what, fuck you.

So I click the lobbies.

Fuck.

4v4 AI no noobs

菜不要来的游戏

Cannibal Escape v13

Noobs all come

Partide de Marcel

Spiel von Ronbael

QQ群4525634

I could only stare the 1600x900 screen of the my laptop and…do nothing. I could not find any words. Seriously. I was speechless.

What the fuck have we become?

Where are the fucking lobbieS?

Where is "1v1 ara 1700"

Where is "TG 2k+"

Where is "BF 1900"

Where did all the voobly people go? Is this what aoe2 has become? A bunch of noobs playing random stuff? I clutched my head and I could only shake my head. Man, I thought surely it cant be worse than HD but I was wrong. Is everyone on still on voobly or something? Surely they must be. Surely nbodoy is going to play ranked with fucking lombardia.

Right then and there I seriously considering just buying HD again and then playing that. But fuck it. I've already installed this might as well follow throguth with it.

So I go back to ranked. Fine, I play lombardia.

Fuck you but I'll play lombardia.

So I ban the worst maps I can and click the join qeue button. Huh you can favorite maps? Nice. So good old ara it is!

Damn looks like you can even qeue for 2v2 3v3 and 4v4 in one go. Even DM! Man, I can see Jidba, True and Leash smiling in heaven. Damn, maybe they're even still playing this game.

So I wait.

Arabia.

Of course.

Maybe there is some hope left in this community. I knew that people wont play shit like lombardia. So it's good old arabia!

Hun war 141414

Ready.

Hun vs Cuman

Wtf?

Wtf is cuman?

Oh right I heard there's some dlc shit about new civs. What the fuck is cumans? Bruh.

Whatever, I open scts then arch+skirm and we see how it goes.

AAAAHHH MY EYES.

WTF IS THIS BLOOM BULLSHIT?

FUCCCK MY EYES MY EYES. WHY IS IT SO BRIGHT?

But it's too late to change that shit. Or to be more percise I was stubborns stupid fuck so I didn't pause. I just wanted to play the damn game you know.

Annnnnnnd my hotkeys are fucked.

There's nothing like the feeling when you see the scout, three vills and four sheep and your hands immdieatley go N + V and then nothing happens. Then your hand spaz out like some dude on LSD before you realized its probably on default hokey.

Ahh

N + C?

Yes, finally, vill qeueed. Fuck fuck house house scout move 2 sheep tc scout 1 sheep 2 sheep3 villl to sheep sheep2 scout right sheep 3 scout left scout forwards, vill vill vill scout scout sheep 2 sheep 3 scout scout scout sheep 2 sheep 3 scout 1 scout 1 sheep 2 to tc sheep3 scout 1 and ah…

Finally

Extra sheep.

Ok, ok.

Fwd gold. Wood's ok. Safe berries.

Boar? Where 2nd boar?

Oh there, fine. Boar looks ok, careful for lame.

Open scout, 6 food 3 wood.

Lure boar, 2 hits, back to tc.

Not much lag, nice.

Ok so far so good.

Ah wtf hotkey for mill again?

Oh right E? No I.

Fine. Push deer? Nah, they're in the middle of map.

Hmm maps looks wallable, nice, guess devs fixed default arabia. Cool.

Ok let's go find him.

2 on wood.

Wtf?

Seriously?

Is this guy a noob or something? Or is this some wack build where he chops straggler. No, stragglers are fine. He has ah…a lot of sheep tho? What? Fast up? But can he even afford barracks?

I let my scout hang around to see what happens, but his scout comes back and drives me away.

Fine.

Before my scout went away I see him sending 4-5 vills to wood. Must be up then?

Come on. There's no way you can afford a barracks, let alone a stable. Or range. And yeah, he didn't even make barracks. Come on.

I'm half way up, beginning my barracks. Bro you're dead.

He ups at 8:00.

Sends 10 vills to wood line…

111111

…and builds…market?

No wtf.

I click it.

TC!

2nd TC!

WTF?

2nd TC in FEDUAL?

F10.

[Pause].

For some reason I didn't immediately say anything. Instead I had the brain cell to go the tech tree. And lo and behold! Cuman bonus: build 2nd tc in feudal age.

BRAH.

Seriously?

Ok fine, whatever.

xxx: sorry 14?

yyy: 1

[unpause]

I get up 9:30. Not bad, not good. But by the time stable comes down I see he's already walling like true China team.

Oh okaaayyy this might be a problem.

Still I get in with 3 scouts. Ok, this should be ok, right?

My micro is rusty as fuck, I can't even keep up vill production but hey, at least I'm running around his base with 3 scts. His spears are chasing me around by fine.

And then…

Quick wall!

Woah, woah, slow down there bucko! You the Viper or something. Fuck off with that shit.

Fucker even tried gate trick and shit. Man, fucking nerd these days.

But say what you want, his spear got good hits in. Ate some tc fire as well. Well there goes my scouts, rip. Still I get 2 vill picks. Should be fine. I was gonna invest in range but meh, dude probably practiced this strat. He'll wall and tower and bleed my aggression.

By now he's got full walls, safe gold inside and I think even stone, right? I want to make a scout to check, but I don't want to invest. So I make a spear and send him out to explore the world.

Well ok, big brain time.

He has 2 tcs in feudal. So…what now? He should get vill lead, right? But I should get to castle age first, right?

So…what now?

Well there's nothing I can do, right? I saw in tech tree cumans get good knights. So I guess this ends in knight war, right?

Fine, time to macro.

Ah, what was the build order again?

2 to gold, 16 farms, wheel barrow, 5 more to gold, click up.

Ah…good enough, I guess?

I get to castle at 19 min with bloodline and scale armor. 2 stable knights and then afford +2 later.

Should be fine…right? I mean dude is still in feudal.

I get 5 knigths with +2 out when he reaches castle age.

Ah…?

I am on 1 tc…so….

Ah, too late for that. 1 tc all in, I guess? Kill vill then add 2nd tc.

Fwd vill for siege workshop.

By the time my vill get to a hill he comes out with 6 camels aginst my 9 knights. Ok, I take that fight.

He has bloodlines and +1 only, +2 comes in half way through fight. Np for me, I clean him pretty well. Siege workshop up, reinforcments come in, he should be dead.

Nah.

My knights go in and I see he has 3 stable camels, with camels +2 armor and +1 attack now. Oh okay…I don't wanna trade army for vill so I pull back and wait for mango. Bad mistake. By the time my 1st mango is on his tc he has more camels than me. Oh okayyyy.

+2 armor and +2 attack now.

Oh boy.

He waits for a moment and masses a bit more. By now I am still playing on autopilot, not believing this shit. But dude's not stupid. Once he gets 16+ camels to my 14 knights he dives and and it's on.

He cleans me.

Well, tbf he has defender advantage, right? Stables closer, some help from tc fire when we both patrolin and the line of contact spreads out.

But still, he cleans me.

Oh boy.

Mango goes down, didn't cancel 2nd mango in time, rip.

Before I lost visison I saw 4th stable going up.

Oh okaaaaayyy.

I'm dead, right?

Score not looking good.

I regroup, also starts debating if I should get pikemen. Nah, should be fine..right? He'll go 3tc boom after this, right? It'll be fine. He'll stop producing camels. It's fine. You're fine.

Monk up, wall up and you'll be fine.

No need for pikes. Only plebs go pikes.

You're not a pleb, right?

Yeah, so monastery, 2nd tc, some knights for defense. Should be fine.

He didn't go 4 tc boom. He went 4 stable camels fwd siege workshop.

OH BOY.

I pull my knights back to the tc to help with the tc fire but fuck me, dude's camels catches me before I even get back. Wtf? I have husbandry. Is his camels faster or someshit? Fucking path finding. But fine, I'll trade? I kinda have too.

Monk RNG, time to wololo!

Monk RNG my ass.

Well ok, tbf I got some good conversions. But it's too little too late. He floods camels in, rams and mangonels and by the time I start stonewalling desperately it's too late. Way to late.

Ok 25 vills at 27 mins. Not good.

Ah fuck me.

XXX: GG

[XXX resigned.]

Dude says nothing back.

OHHH OKAYY.

I'm to pleb for you, is that it? Ah okay I get it. Cool story bro. Really cool story with your fucking cheese fast feudal 2nd tc full walls blind boom into camel spam.

Really skillz bro.

Real skillz.

I am salty, really I am, but the years of HD and voobly overrode my salt and I didn't type anything else.

Gg is gg.

Salt or not, gg is gg.

I just shake my head and go through achievements. Fuck, 50 vills when he hit castle age? Bro that's fucked. No wonder why he was able to afford everything, what the fuck. This shit is broken bro. Seriously? Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to give civ bonus 2nd tc boom in feudal? Seriously?

Fuck man.

I say this but shake my head. I shake my head and listen to the sound of the rain, feel the damp clothes on my skin, and laugh and boy did I laugh.

My opening was sloppy. He should never have been able to get away with blind fc no drush, especially against hun scts. I should have send 5 vill fwd tower his woodlines. He didn't have that many. My eco balance shit, should have been able up sooner. Build was sloppy as fuck. If I sold stone could have clicked up earlier. The moment I lost my fwd and siege workshop I should have full stone wall lyx style and 2 monastery monks. His eco would still be head but maybe just maybe I can go fast imp fwd castle CA.

Probably not but maybe, maybe. You never know.

And my shitty hotkeys and apm lololol.

Still a fucking pleb, huh?

Once a pleb, always a pleb.

I laugh, I laugh and laugh and laugh but soon the laughing turns into crying.

I don't know why, maybe it's the nostalgia or my shit game and shit life but I cant stop crying.

But it wasn't a sad cry or pathetic cry. I was a "I can't believe that just happened" cry, somewhere between a sob and laugh and just pain.

Finally I wipe my tears away and I go the options. Were the fuck is it anyways? Ah, it's the TINY little gear icon thing. Fuck this design man.

And then the theme song hits.

Fuck man. It's different from the classic one in HD but fuck man. It hits. How long has it been since I heard that tune? And the instruments are different too, but the tune man. The tune. It's fucking epic too. Loud as fuuuuck too.

I stop for a moment a the main menu to just jam to that shit.

OK, whatever, gotta fix my hotkeys.

Then next game 14.