Haunted, a twilight fanfic

BPOV

I couldn't bear it.

The pain.

The panic.

It was all too much.

In my frantic state, I hopped in my old truck and made my way to the Cullen's house. Edward had promised that there would be nothing to remind me of his presence. How wrong he was.

In a way, I welcomed and relished in the pain. It was my only reminder that everything was real. That he was real. Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live - I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.

I cursed my truck for not being able to go any faster, but soon enough I was pulling into the dirt road that I had become all too accustomed to this summer. I couldn't think about our perfect summer now, it only intensified the ache to an unbearable point.

For the first time since I'd had the Cullen's in my life, the house looked completely devoid of life. I hesitantly walked about the steps that I had come to know so well. If there was anyone here they would have heard the loud rumbling of my truck's engine, but unlike our perfect summer, I was alone.

No one greeted me, no one walked beside me. I almost doubled over in pain at my newfound loneliness.

It was all too much.

I reached for the knob, apparently in their rushed escape, they had left the door unlocked. Maybe I should have felt ashamed at how I just entered their house with no one else here, but I couldn't bring myself to feel anything except pain. I looked around at the once vibrant and lively house, and noticed how stale and devoid of life it was without them here. Everything was covered up in a thin white material. That wasn't what caught my attention. His piano. It was covered. He had played for me countless times, I crumpled at the pain of the memory.

When I finally recovered, I needed to see it. I quickly tore off the sheet. I wasn't sure why I was surprised that it looked the same. Everything looked the same, but it all felt different. Every part of my world felt different. Everything was washed in gray, like he had taken all of the color in my life with him.

Another reminder that he was real. Everything reminded me of him. Every breath I took reminded me of him.

I sat on his piano bench. This time I welcome the stab of agony that pummeled me over and over again as I sat where he had. My mother had forced me into piano lessons once she realized my hand-eye coordination was never going to improve. I reached out and lightly touched one of the ivory keys.

A new state of anguish washed over me, I once again welcomed it with open arms. I had never been a masochist, but if the pain was all I had of him, then I would cling to it for as long as I could.

I had never been very good, but if this was all I could have of him, then I would take that too. I would take anything he offered me. I couldn't help but feel pathetic, I was holding onto someone who didn't want me and had never wanted me. It stabbing pain intensified to a point where I couldn't breathe anymore, so I pushed the memory away. I needed to walk a fine line of surrounding myself with pain but not drowning in the pain.

I had to go back home before Charlie began to worry about me, but I knew I would return tomorrow. If it was up to me, I would return every day.

It had only been 24 hours since my last visit to the empty Cullen house, but I rushed over once again. I needed the reassurance that it was all real, that they were real.

It was a perplexing thing not being able to trust your own mind, but the reality was I couldn't trust myself anymore. I couldn't be sure that in my misery of returning to this gloomy, desolate town I hadn't just created my own perfect family, but I knew I couldn't have imagined his perfection or beauty, not in my wildest dreams could I have dreamed them up.

I made it to their house. I once again welcomed the pain. I walked in and there was the smallest sense of relief. It was real. All of it.

I decided to make my way through the house. My feet subconsciously led me to Edward's room. His presence, the slight scent still lingered in the air. The couch that we laid on was covered, but I couldn't bring myself to see where we had once been. It was all gone.

In a sense, none of it was real. He had told me so himself, he didn't love me. I only kept him entertained for a while until he got bored of me. I felt myself practically gasping for air at the waves of brutal heartbreak.

One of the drawers was haphazardly left open. I briefly wondered at how eager they were to get away from me that things had been haphazard at all. I shook away the thought, it was all too clear that they had never seen me as family like they once claimed.

They all left me so easily.

It was like someone had died- like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family- the whole life that I'd chosen.

The masochist in me wanted to open the drawer, and right now that was the part ruling me.

I carefully opened it. I was shocked to find a drawer full of my things. A variety of things that I had left here or in his car. I didn't have many clothes, so I usually noticed when something just went missing, another way my love for him had blinded me.

I tried thinking and I did notice that my closet was missing a few pieces, but I didn't care all that much. I found a scarf, one of two I owned, both had gone missing, I wondered where the other one had gone. I knew I didn't have it, but he very clearly wanted to leave every part of me here. I shrugged it off, and made my way back downstairs.

I found myself sitting at the piano again.

Over the next few days I had taken to a bit of a routine. I came home to reassure Charlie that I was still alive, or at least not dead. I felt like the very real version of the living dead. Each day I returned to the Cullen's house. Each day I sat at Edward's piano.

I had been so lost in a daze the last, however many, days that I hadn't noticed the stereo Emmett had given me was still there. He had taken all of my other gifts out of my room. My picture of him was gone. When he said it would be like he hadn't existed, he meant it. This was another sign of his eagerness to get out of Forks, he had forgotten this. Right now I could only hear the sadness in the music. I aggressively tried pulling the stereo out. It didn't work. But I did end up damaging it extensively.

I had never tried my hand a song-writing or composing, I knew he had. But this was the only way I could feel close to him. I wouldn't say it came naturally to me, but I found it easy to pour my love and pain for him into words and ivory keys in front of me. I threw myself into writing. Writing about the pain was the only way it wouldn't swallow me whole. I set my phone facing up, and pressed record. This was the sadistic side of me, I wanted to carry the pain of the songs I wrote with me at all times. When I couldn't be here, I would always have a product of my sadness with me.

Dark Paradise

All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ahh
That's how you sang it

Loving you forever can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ahh
That's how we played it

And there's no remedy for memory, your face is like a melody
It won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love, it lives on
Ahh
That's why I stay here

And there's no remedy for memory, your face is like a melody
It won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

I don't want to wake up from this tonight
I don't want to wake up from this tonight
There's no relief, I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me, but I can feel you touching me
There's no release, I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine

I don't want to wake up from this tonight
I don't want to wake up from this tonight

The worst dreams I had weren't the nights with nightmares that had me waking up screaming with Charlie frantically shaking me awake.

The worst nights were the ones where Edward was still with me in my dreams. Those dreams were so vivid, like he was still with me.

Touching my face.

Telling me he loved me.

Holding me.

It granted me the slightest reprieve from the pain I couldn't seem to escape. Those were the worst night. The nights when my mind betrayed me in the worst way. Because when I woke he was still gone, he still didn't love me, he still didn't want me.

And nothing would change that.

In the days since he had left, the color hadn't returned. I could have sworn I only could see in shades of blue and gray now.

I had seen Jake a few times, and while it dulled the ache, nothing brought back the color. When his departure sucked the life out of me, it had taken every good thing in my life with him. He took that part of me with him.

I turned off the recording and decided I had enough today.

I returned to my car and sat there for a moment. I let the tears fall down my face. Each night, tears fell down my face knowing another day had passed without him here.

Another day that he no longer wanted what we had. What I had learned was that love gave someone the power to break you, and I was now beyond repair.

The days I couldn't make it to the Cullen's house, I was at the reservation with Jake. Apparently Charlie felt like I was spending too much time alone, so this was an attempt to appease him.

Spending time with Jake was easy, like the pain in my chest had somewhat faded. It made the giant hole in my heart more bearable. He had told me before that Jake had a little crush on me, and I couldn't help but feel selfish dangling a friendship in front of him when that was the case, but Jake was all I had now, other than Charlie. But I couldn't explain the mythological world that lay beneath the human world to Charlie, with Jake I knew he at least understand that aspect, in spite of his very clear bias against 'the cold ones'. I hated myself for continuing to hurt Jake.

Jake didn't bring them up, I didn't bring them up, it was like I could pretend I would leave here and he would be waiting for me at the treaty line. Each time I drove past the line, I could see him waiting there. I knew I had to be losing my mind. I saw him everywhere. The parking lot at school. In my room. Sometimes it felt like he was standing right next to me. I couldn't understand how he had just walked away from everything I thought we had.

I drove straight to their house. This had become a part of my pathetic routine, I would sit here and play in a room with no one to hear the heartbreak. I kept a recording of each song, but other than that after I had purged it from my system I would never play it again. Today, I couldn't help but feel angry at him. He promised that it would be as if we had never met.

But he haunted every menial thing I did. I couldn't escape him, not that I tried to or even wanted to.

Haunted

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
It's getting dark and it's all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake

Ohh, I'm holding my breath
Won't lose you again
Something's made your eyes go cold

Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
You're all I wanted
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
Can't turn back now,
I'm haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
He will try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead

Ohh, I'm holding my breath
Won't see you again
Something keeps me holding on to nothing

I know, I know,
I just know
You're not gone. You can't be gone.
No.

Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you gone
Can't go back,
I'm haunted

Oooooh

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break.
Never thought I'd see it.

By the time I had finished I was slightly breathless. I thought about the few days before he left. There were days where I felt him pulling away from me. And though I could barely think about that day he left me in the woods. I would always remember the look in his eye as he broke me, the warmth and, what at the time I thought was, love was replaced with a coldness I had never seen from him. Like I was a stranger to him. Like I meant nothing to him. The ache started to become so intolerable I had to stop thinking about that day. I wiped away the unwitting tears that had fallen down my face.

I jumped up at the sudden applause, "Truly beautiful, Isabella."

I whirled around to find Laurent watching me intently. I sucked in a breath as he continued talking.

He had come to kill me as a favor to Victoria. A mate for a mate, Laurent had said. I held back an acerbic laugh when he said that. I would have told him that I wasn't Edward's mate, but I didn't need telepathy to know he wouldn't believe me. It was still true, I wasn't Edward's mate, I had never been his mate.

I started backing away. Suddenly his hallucination appeared next to me. He told me to run outside. I knew it was futile, but I did it anyway. I was surprised I made it outside before Laurent lunged at me.

"I love you, Edward," I whispered as I reflexively closed my eyes and waited for death. But it didn't come, instead I heard a low growling emanating from the thick woods. It caught Laurent's attention.

The pack.

Laurent started to run away, but they had him surrounded. I turned around to avoid seeing him be torn apart. I could hear the distinct sound of marble skin being torn apart. It brought forth memories of what had happened in Phoenix. It was all over so quickly. I felt a warm hand turning me around, I couldn't help the flinch that came along with the sudden movement.

"Want to explain to me what the hell you're doing out here all by yourself?" I took a sigh of relief, it was just Jake, but I tensed a little at his exasperation.

I tried to figure out a way to explain this to Jake without sounding completely mental and pathetic. The more I thought about it, the worse it sounded. How could I tell him, what would I tell him? That I had been writing about a person who had left me so easily. How I wrote about a love that didn't exist?

He waited until we were in the car before demanding an explanation again.

"I just-I just like spend time there. It's all I have left of them, Jake." I realized my explanation was lame, and probably more pathetic than the truth, but it was all I offered.

Jake examined my face, and I wasn't sure what he saw, but he let it go. He and I both knew I was a bad liar, and that what I had just said wasn't completely truthful, but for some unknown reason he didn't push any further, all he said was, "You need to move on, Bella."

I didn't bother responding because I knew there would be no moving on.

It had been a few days since the Laurent incident. I had left all of my belongings including my phone in the Cullen house, which Jake had retrieved for me. I insisted that I could go and get them myself, but Jake thought it was too dangerous. The thing was I felt better here, like they would all walk through the door at any moment. In my desperation, I had apparently become delusional.

Jake had patrol all day today, and Charlie was off on his normal Saturday fishing, so I had the whole day to myself. It had been weeks since he left. I had tried returning to our meadow, but, just like us, it had become barren, gone were the flowers and colors that we had sat in for hours at a time. I stood on a nearby cliff and just cried. Our meadow was gone. Just like he was gone.

All I had left of them was their house, so I found myself returning more and more often.

Hoax

My only one
My smoking gun
My eclipsed sun
This has broken me down

My twisted knife
My sleepless night
My winless fight
This has frozen my ground

Stood on the cliffside screaming, "Give me a reason"
Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in
Don't want no other shade of blue but you
No other sadness in the world would do

My best laid plan
Your sleight of hand
My barren land
I am ash from your fire

Stood on the cliffside screaming, "Give me a reason"
Your faithless love's thе only hoax I believe in
Don't want no othеr shade of blue but you
No other sadness in the world would do

You know I left a part of me back in New York
You knew the hero died so what's the movie for?
You knew it still hurts underneath my scars
From when they pulled me apart

You knew the password so I let you in the door
You knew you won so what's the point of keeping score?
You knew it still hurts underneath my scars
From when they pulled me apart
But what you did was just as dark
Darling, this was just as hard
As when they pulled me apart

My only one
My kingdom come undone
My broken drum
You have beaten my heart
Don't want no other shade of blue but you
No other sadness in the world would do

I still couldn't think about those few months, it still hurt too much. I had a lifetime's worth of happiness and love in those few short months, and now I would have to deal with a lifetime of pain in exchange.

And honestly? It was a price I was will to pay.

Cardigan

Vintage tee, brand new phone
High heels on cobblestones
When you are young, they assume you know nothing

Sequin smile, black lipstick
Sensual politics
When you are young, they assume you know nothing

But I knew you
Dancin' in your Levi's
Drunk under a streetlight, I
I knew you
Hand under my sweatshirt
Baby, kiss it better, I

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite

A friend to all is a friend to none
Chase two girls, lose the one
When you are young, they assume you know nothin'

But I knew you
Playing hide-and-seek and
Giving me your weekends, I
I knew you
Your heartbeat on the High Line
Once in 20 lifetimes, I

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite

To kiss in cars and downtown bars
Was all we needed
You drew stars around my scars
But now I'm bleedin'

'Cause I knew you
Steppin' on the last train
Marked me like a bloodstain, I
I knew you
Tried to change the ending
Peter losing Wendy, I
I knew you
Leavin' like a father
Running like water, I
And when you are young, they assume you know nothing

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss
I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs
The smell of smoke would hang around this long
'Cause I knew everything when I was young
I knew I'd curse you for the longest time

Chasin' shadows in the grocery line
I hoped you'd miss me once the thrill expired
And you'd be standin' in my front porch light
And I hoped you'd come back to me
You'd come back to me
And you'd come back to me
And you'd come back

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite

When I allowed myself brief flashbacks of him, I could have sworn I had seen the love in his eyes. Evidently, I wasn't as perceptive as I thought. But sometimes I swore I saw it, and the way he looked at me made me feel as extraordinary as he was. He claimed to love all of the worst parts about me. Everything I hated about myself, he said he loved. My clumsiness, he said was endearing. My temper, he often laughed at. My plainness, he claimed didn't exist. He made me love every part of myself, he very literally drew stars around my scars.

And just as quickly, he had taken it all away.

Another flashback overcame me.

"Edward, what are you doing?" I laughed as we walked through the streets of Seattle. It was a perfect summer night. The street lamps were all that illuminated the dark night. I knew it was time to go back, but I never wanted this perfect day to end. While I enjoyed the sun, it had been out all summer, so we'd been confined to the Cullen's house and our meadow. My two favorite places in the world. Today was a warm yet overcast day, which gave Edward the idea to go to Seattle. When I asked him why, he just shrugged and with my favorite crooked smile told me we'd figure it out. I had never been one for spontaneity, but I'd do anything to keep my personal miracle happy.

And now we were here roaming the streets of Seattle.

There was no one else around which gave Edward the ability to be his uninhibited self. He used his speed to hide behind cars or hop onto streetlights, until I found him. Like some kind of vampiric hide-and-seek. He made me laugh each time he jumped back in front of me. I loved seeing this playful side of Edward, it was like a secret that the two of us shared, hidden beneath all of the brooding and anxiety, was a 17 year old who made my heart swell with love.

The joy I felt with him was boundless.

My hand slammed against the ivory keys. In anger or hurt, I couldn't be sure, but the disjointed, sharp noise freed me from the memory.

I should have known that the kind of happiness I had wasn't meant to last. It was too consuming, unsustainable. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again, those moments I knew I would never love anyone like I had loved him, I just never planned on him taking it away.

Charlie thought I was crazy for getting swept in his whirlwind of love.

But I don't think I ever had a choice.

Everyone else saw two teenagers who had jumped in much too quickly for their age, little did they know that he almost a century old. I was just the idiot who deluded themselves into believing someone like me could ever be loved by someone like him.

Each day I sat alone, with a tray of untouched food in front of me, gazing off into the distance.

I could hear the whispers from my former friends. How different I looked, how dramatic the whole breakup was, and a slew of other remarks from people who didn't know us, what we had.

Or at least what I thought we had.

Sitting alone, I took a moment to look around me, everyone looked so different, yet so similar. I realized that they had not changed, I had.

I no longer recognized the world that surrounded me. I wasn't sure how much time had passed since he left, time had lost all meaning to me, but time still passed. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

Even with time continuing on my world had for all intents and purposes, stopped, everyone else trudged forward around me. Everyone would eventually move on either from this small town or just this school, while I stayed right where he had left me. Maybe physically I would get older, but mentally I would always been in the woods on that fateful day.

Sometimes I wondered where he was, was his world still turning? Had he moved on? Was I just some funny anecdote that they exchanged between them?

The stabbing pain intensified to a point where I couldn't think about it anymore.

I returned to the Cullen's house the next day, the solitude was a nice break from the never ending gazes at school. Everyone talked about how I had lost it when Edward had left. And they were right, I had lost all sense of what was real.

right where you left me

Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me
Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I, I'm right where you left me

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"
I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop
Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared

Right where you left me
You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me, you left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?
Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it
She's still 17 inside her fantasy
How it was supposed to be
Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?
Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it
She's still 17 inside her fantasy
And you're sitting in front of me

At the restaurant, when I was still the one you want
Cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right
I, I could feel the mascara run
You told me that I should meet someone
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
I'm sure that you got a wife out there
Kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware
'Cause I'm right where
I cause no harm, mind my business
If our love died young, I can't bear witness
And it's been so long
But if you ever think you got it wrong

I'm right where you left me
You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me
You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever

In a way, I would be forever frozen as the 17 year old who had just lost the love of her life. Forever immortalized as the tragic girl who never got over losing the beautiful copper haired boy.

Day in and out I would sit here in some deluded fantasy and let the world continue on without me.

And I was okay with that.

I kept thinking back to those last days with him. I felt him pulling away from me, after my birthday he didn't call me several times a day like he used to. He didn't climb through my window at night, and a coldness had taken root in his eyes. Everything felt wrong, little did I know that it would only get worse.

Much worse.

I would always regret that I didn't see the signs faster, that I didn't talk him out of leaving me. Was it really better to have someone stay with you out of pity?

I had been blinded by the love I felt for him, and now I was crippled by it. He may not have meant it when he said forever and always, but I did. I would always mean it.

Maybe that's why he didn't want to change me, he hadn't wanted to be tethered to me for eternity.

Forever And Always

Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye
And we caught onto something
I hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me

Were you just kidding?
'Cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened? Please tell me

'Cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door

And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom
Everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always

Was I out of line?
Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide
Like a scared little boy
I looked into your eyes
Thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure

So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence, that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore

You didn't mean it baby, I don't think so

Oh back up, baby, back up
Did you forget everything?
Back up, baby, back up
Did you forget everything?

'Cause it rains in your bedroom
Everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always

Oh, I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all
And you flashback to when we said forever and always

And it rains in your bedroom
Everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it baby,
You said forever and always, yeah.

I kept thinking back to those last days with him. When we were together, at our happiest, the constant cover of rain didn't bother me anymore. Even in the rain, everything seemed brighter, but the second he pulled away from me the dreariness and the depression that I had previously associated with the rain all came flooding back. It felt like it would never stop raining.

I pulled up to the cliff where Jake and I had once seen some pack members jumping off.

His hallucination appeared again. I relished in the cadence of his voice, the melodic rhythm of his words. My hallucination of him had talked me out of jumping off of a cliff, it seemed like I had reached a new low.

I sat on the cliff edge, feet dangling off the side. Normally I wouldn't put myself in such precarious situations but sitting on the edge of a cliff was better than jumping off of it, right?

Suddenly a hand grabbed my shoulder, pulling me back from the cliff.

I couldn't contain the shriek, but once he set me on my feet I sighed in relief once I saw it was just Jake. I knew there had been several Victoria sightings in the last few weeks, and I had told Jake, in confidence, what she had wanted. Jake didn't keep that secret to himself for very long.

The furious expression on Jake's face gave me pause. He was probably upset I had once again wandered into the woods alone, or that I was sitting on the edge of a cliff. I wondered which activity was more dangerous, which one had been a worse idea?

Then I stopped to wonder how he had found me so quickly.

"Are you insane? Or just suicidal?"

"Jake-," I started, but he didn't let me finish.

"Were you going to jump?"

I started chewing on my lip, I wasn't exactly sure how to answer that. At first, I was, but a figment of my imagination had talked me out of it, but that explanation just made me sound even more mental.

"You were," he concluded from my silence.

"Kind of?" I squeaked out.

"So what? You've just given up trying? What about me? No, what about Charlie? You'd leave him that easily," he demanded.

"What- no. I just-," I took a deep breath. "I am trying, Jake. Please believe that."

And now I sat here, in the Cullen's house, just trying to get through another day.

this is me trying

I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

And it's hard to be at a party
When I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days
When all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel
On the one screen in my town

And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying, maybe I don't quite know what to say
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

Death By A Thousand Cuts

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts
Flashbacks waking me up
I get drunk, but it's not enough
'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby
I look through the windows of this love
Even though we boarded them up
Chandelier's still flickering here
'Cause I can't pretend it's ok when it's not
It's death by a thousand cuts

I dress to kill my time
I take the long way home
I ask the traffic lights if it'll be all right
They say "I don't know"
And what once was ours is no one's now
I see you everywhere
The only thing we share
Is this small town

You said it was a great love
One for the ages
If the story's over
Why am I still writing pages?

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts
Flashbacks waking me up
I get drunk, but it's not enough
'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby
I look through the windows of this love
Even though we boarded them up
Chandelier still flickering here
'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not
It's death by a thousand cuts

My heart, my hips, my body, my love
Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch
Gave up on me like I was a bad drug
Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club
Our songs, our films, united we stand
Our country, guess it was a lawless land
Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand
Paper cut stings from our paper thin plans
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust
Trying to find a part of me you didn't take up
Gave you too much but it wasn't enough
But I'll be all right, it's just a thousand cuts

I get drunk but it's not enough
'Cause you're not my baby
I look through the windows of this love
Even though we boarded them up
Chandelier's still flickering here
'Cause I can't pretend it's ok when it's not
No, it's not
It's death by a thousand cuts
Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch
My body, my love
My trust
But it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough, no, no

I take the long way home
I ask the traffic lights if it'll be all right
They say "I don't know"

Each flashback that I couldn't contain, cut me deeper and deeper. Truly death by a thousand cuts. Just reopening the hole in my heart. Each recollection a new cut on my heart that would inevitable leave a nasty scar. My heart would forever be scarred with the heartbreak.

Each day I woke and had to face the reality, he was gone, and he wasn't coming back. More cuts, each one deeper and deeper.

There wasn't a single part of me that he hadn't touched. Not a single part of me that had been unaffected by him. Every thing I was, he had once claimed as his own, and then threw away once he was bored with me. I had handed him my entire heart, everything I had to offer, and he decided it wasn't enough for him.

I wasn't enough for him.

I returned back to the Cullen's house. What was once a few days a week, had now turned into a few hours each day. I wondered where Charlie thought I was. I shrugged it off, I knew he had been pleased I wasn't sitting in the house all alone anymore, and I wasn't going to ruin that by telling him I was still sitting all alone, just in a different house.

Today I felt the weight of the immense sadness pushing me down. Like I was carrying an additional weight on each shoulder. I couldn't bring myself to play right now, so I wandered the house, once again subconsciously making my way to his room. I had looked through his small dresser before, and with how truly pitiful I had become, I wandered into his closet.

Out of the corner closet, a singular sweater hung. Silent sobs wracked through my body. The sight of one of his belonging made my cry.

God, I was pathetic.

It was one I recognized, he had worn it several times before. I didn't even think about it before putting it on.

It was much too big for me, but it felt like I was encased in his scent, and I welcomed the feeling of coming home. I kept it on as I returned downstairs.

Last Kiss

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?

Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
That July 9th, the beat of my heart
It jumps through my shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you'd pull me in
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

And I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I'll watch your life in pictures like you used to watch me sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you you wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss

Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last...

As I made my way through the song, I could feel the emotion overwhelming me.

This time I didn't let the flashbacks overcome me. But I couldn't stop the flashes of memories that passed through me leaving me even more emotionally drained.

The way he walked with his hands in his pockets, with such grace and poise that it was inhuman.

His cold hand shaking Charlie's hand when they officially met the first time. How he assuaged any doubts Charlie had about him. How they would talk about sports whenever he stayed in the evening.

When he would roughhouse with his brothers. Emmett always accused him of showing off in front of me. I would laugh and roll my eyes. Each time I would jokingly push him away he'd pull me back in. I loved it when he did that. Like the distance between us bothered him as much it bothered me.

I wondered if his family knew, all those times I had been here, that he didn't feel the way I felt. That everything we had was just an elaborate ruse. Did he tell them about those days we shared together? Was it all some cruel joke that they shared between them. It was like pouring salt in a still very fresh wound.

I reeked of desperation clinging to a person who didn't want anything to do with me, who had told me what we had wasn't real.

But foolishly, I still wanted him to be happy. I wanted to someone to make him happy the way I wasn't able to, even if the thought of him with someone else left a bitter taste in my mouth.

It had been months since his departure, and I still felt his presence everywhere. He had been seared into my soul, engraved into my very essence. Each declaration of love, each stolen glance, each touch, and every single sweet words we had exchanged, each one an invisible inscription that had been branded into my skin.

Another way I could hold onto him.

There was something so irrevocable about the love I had for him. Something so permanent about the impact he had in my life. I would never hear Claire de Lune the same way. the way I flinched every time I saw a silver Volvo. Everything I saw, everything I did, all road led back to the idea of him, but never him.

The absence of him was everywhere I looked.

At first, it was a way to hold onto him, but it was so completely subconscious now that I was sure I'd ever be the same.

He had completely and permanently altered the way I would see the world.

The problem was those memories were all tainted now. I couldn't be sure how much of it was real. His last words to me had planted a seed of doubt that had take root so quickly and so thoroughly. I wanted to believe that everything was real, that the man I fell in love with was real, and not some cruel facade that he had used for his entertainment.

In a way, it didn't matter. I had fallen in love so deeply and with such permanence that none of it mattered, it was all real to me. I was stained with the remnants of our love. And because he touched every part of my being, every part of me would always be covered by Edward.

You All Over Me

Once the last drop of rain has dried off the pavement
Shouldn't I find a stain, but I never do
The way the tires turn stones, on old county roads
They leave 'em muddy underneath
Reminds me of you
You find graffiti on the walls of old bathroom stalls
You know, you can scratch it right off
It's how it used to be
But like the dollar in your pocket, it's been spent and traded in
You can't change where it's been
Reminds me of me

I lived, and I learned
Had you, got burned
Held out, and held on
God knows, too long
And wasted time, lost tears
Swore that I'd get out of here
But no amount of freedom gets you clean
I've still got you all over me

The best and worst day of spring
Was the one that I met you
With your hands in your pockets
And your 'don't you wish you had me' grin
But I did, so I smiled, and I melted like a child
Now every breath of air I breathe reminds me of then

And I lived, and I learned
Had you, got burned
Held out, and held on
God knows, too long
And wasted time, lost tears
Swore that I'd get out of here
But no amount of freedom gets you clean
I've still got you all over me

I lived, and I learned
And found out what it was to turn around
And I couldn't see, that we
Were never really meant to be
So I lied, and I cried
And I watched a part of myself die
'Cause no amount of freedom gets you clean
I've still got you all over me
I've still got you all over me
Still got you all over me

Six months had passed now. It had left like an eternity.

He was still gone.

I didn't want to resign myself to this half-life I was now living, but I had no choice. I would always be here waiting for him. The hopeless romantic in me wanted to believe that we would get some sort of happy ending. That we would have some fade-to-black ending like in those cheesy romantic movies. I wanted to believe that he meant it when he said I had eternally changed him, that he would love me for all of eternity, but I couldn't. Because if he did, he'd be here right now.

If he meant it, I wouldn't be sitting here alone wondering why I couldn't have been enough for him.

It was a bitter pill to swallow that we wouldn't get that happy ending, but I would always be waiting for him, alone. I still woke up each morning looking for him, reaching out to the spot he used to occupy. And every morning, I had to face the reality all over again.

Before him, I would have said that this was all much too dramatic. That sometimes people changed, things happened, and sometimes people grow apart. But then I met him.

And never in my wildest dreams had I anticipated this would be the way our story ended.

If This Was A Movie

Last night I heard my own heart beating
Sounded like footsteps on my stairs
Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there
I was playing back a thousand memories, baby
Thinking 'bout everything we've been through
Maybe I've been going back too much lately
When time stood still and I had you

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would, you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside 'til I came out
Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then
Locked up in your arms and our friends are laughing
'Cause nothing like this ever happened to them,
Now I'm pacing up the hall, chasing down your street
Flashback to a night when you said to me,
"Nothing's gonna change, not for me and you
Not before I knew how much I had to lose"

If you're out there
If you're somewhere
If you're moving on
I'll be waiting for you
Wary, since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
And I just want to see you back at my front door
And I say

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would before you say it's not that easy
Before the fight, before you locked me out
But I take it all back now
Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would, you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside 'til I came out
Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

You'd be here by now
It's not the kind of ending you wanna see now
Baby, I don't like the ending
Oh, I thought you'd be here now, whoa
Thought you'd be here by now

This morning Charlie had once again woken me up at 2 in the morning. It had been months and I still could remember everything like it was yesterday, all fresh memories that would seemingly never fade. I would always carry the love and the pain for the rest of my life. I hoped eventually, even if it was years from now, I could get to a point where the pain wasn't all-consuming, where I could look back and think about him and those few short months that marked the best time of my life.

I couldn't help but feel an immense anger toward him. He had introduced me to such a forceful, intense love and then he had taken it away from me. The ache was so intense I wanted to curse his name for doing this to me. I should hate him for discarding me like he did, but I didn't. I couldn't.

I had fallen so hard for him, I had lost all sense of rationality, but now that he was gone, it was slowly coming back, and I didn't like it. Because looking back on it, none of it made sense. That was the thing about love, the harder you fell, the less anything made any sense. And now that he was gone, I realized how ridiculous it all was, there was no reason that he would want me.

I remembered everything, but even now, when I allowed myself to look back on the story of us, I couldn't make any sense of it. There was not a single glimpse that I could just explain away.

He still consumed me. All the memories constantly threatening to overwhelm me. If I allowed myself, I would drown in his memory.

All Too Well

I walked through the door with you
The air was cold
But something about it felt like home somehow
And I, left my scarf there at your sister's house
And you've still got it in your drawer even now

Oh, your sweet disposition
And my wide-eyed gaze
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days

And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more
And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all

'Cause there we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me
Wind in my hair, I was there
I remember it all too well

Photo album on the counter
My cheeks were turning red
I used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the baseball team
You told me 'bout your past thinking your future was me

And I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough to forget why you needed to

'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night
We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there
I remember it all too well, yeah

And maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well

And call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all
Too well

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again
But I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you've packed your things and I walk home alone
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence
And it smells like me
You can't get rid of it
'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah

'Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

I couldn't help the flashback that overcame me after I finished playing.

I woke in the middle of the night. It felt too warm in my bed. I knew Edward was gone. He liked to hunt at night so we didn't have to separate during the day. While I insisted it was unnecessary, I was glad he hated to leave me as much as I hated to leave him. I knew I wasn't going back to sleep without him here. I quietly made my way downstair for a glass of water. The dim refrigerator light was all that I had to guide me through the nearly pitch black kitchen. I managed to grab a glass without dropping anything, when suddenly an arm wrapped around my waist. I couldn't help but jump at Edward's sudden presence. The glass slipped out of my hand but before it could crash to the floor, Edward caught it. Of course he did.

"A warning next time?" I hissed.

His light chuckled soothed my annoyance.

"What are you doing up?" He asked.

"You were gone," I shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. I could barely make out his beautiful features in the darkness. I opened the refrigerator for the dim light. I could now seem him and his now confused expression. I pointed upstairs, I didn't want to wake Charlie with all the lights and noise. He nodded in understanding. I couldn't help but notice the way his arm was still wrapped around my waist. I think he became aware of that too. Suddenly the air was crackling with electricity.

Suddenly his mouth twitched upward into a mischievous smile. I narrowed my eyes slightly at whatever idea Edward had just gotten. He placed the glass back down on the counter, never once letting me go. He pulled me a little closer to him. I couldn't help the small gasp that came from my mouth. Edward looked pleased at my reaction.

Then he gently twirled me.

"What are you doing?" I demanded quietly.

"Dancing," he said, like it was obvious.

"There's no music," I retorted. Edward started humming something that I didn't recognize. My instinct was to just go along with it, so I did. I laid my head against his chest as he lead me across the kitchen.

I finally pushed away the memory, maybe someday I would be able to look back at those perfect memories and appreciate them as the best months of my life, but even now, six months later, it was still too much. Each memory was still a fresh would that begged to be prodded at. I wondered if he would even remember those months we spent together, or were they already erased from his mind.

I did try not to indulge into those flashbacks, especially memories like that. Moments where I fell even deeper for him, when I swore our love was infinite and eternal.

How wrong I had been.

JPOV

I had been following Bella around for months. Before that leech, she probably would have noticed. But now, she was so locked in the misery that leech had caused her, that she couldn't see passed five feet in front of her. Whenever we spent time together, she seemed to be a little bit better. But it was never enough, it never lasted.

I wanted to break that bloodsuckers face in for what he did to her. It looked like she had the life sucked out of her.

At first, I kept tabs on her because she's my best friend, and I needed to make sure she was okay.

But once I found out that the red-head was after her? I had Sam's blessing to never let her out of my sight. And I was glad I did. We had saved her from so many close calls, it wasn't even funny. I had even saved her from herself. I couldn't believe I had seen her sitting on the cliff, with so much life to live, and so ready to give it away because of him. We never talked about him, I had made that mistake one of the first times I had hung out with her, and after that I didn't do it again.

She kept coming back to the parasite's house, even though she knew the danger she was in. She infuriated me to no end. I could make her happy, but she held onto the sadness so tightly, like it was some prized possession. My dad had told me that she probably couldn't help it. Like imprints, mate bonds were permanent, unchanging like them. I wanted to imprint of Bella so bad, but it never happened.

When the dread-headed leech came after Bella, I knew she was lying about what exactly she was doing here. As she fled their house, she had left all of her things there. I told her it was too dangerous to come back here alone. Since they were gone, this territory was fair game. I walked in and saw her phone sitting on the up right towards the ceiling on the piano. It was the only thing that was uncovered, but I saw the sheet lying right next to it on the ground. I opened Bella's phone, it was left on some recording of the ceiling. I thought it was weird, so I pressed play. I knew I was violating all kinds of boundaries, but I needed to know what she was keeping from me. She wasn't exactly the best judge of safe behavior, at least that was the excuse I used.

I listened to it. I knew Bella had taken some piano lessons as a kid, but I didn't even know she wrote music. The desperation and sadness in her words, sent chills down my spine. I listened to it a few times, to try to process the whole thing. Bella sang? I knew if I asked her she would shut down in embarrassment.

The pain in her words made me so angry, because I knew he had caused her all this pain. I also couldn't deny the sting that she had never seen me as anything more than a friend.

She never actually told me details about what had happened between them, but if they were mates I didn't know how he could just leave her like that. Especially the way he did, stranded in the woods like that. If it wasn't for Sam, she could have died.

It had been six months since he had left, and Bella was getting worse. She barely ate, she just sat for hours in front of that piano. I had covered for her countless times with Charlie. In a way, we were spending time together, she just didn't know I was here too. Every once in a while I sent those videos to myself, then deleted the message so Bella didn't know. I hadn't actually decided what I was going to do with them, but I was going to hold onto them until I did decide.

After hearing the last recording, I knew I couldn't just let these sit in my pocket anymore. She would probably try to kill me once she found out what I had done, but it would be worth her anger.

2 Weeks Later...

BPOV

I was sitting at school, when I noticed something that sounded so familiar. I froze at the sound of the video someone had playing behind me in class. I tried to keep my breathing even as I turned around.

"What is that?" I squeaked.

"You haven't heard it? It started going viral like last week," some random girl said, looking at me like I was crazy for not having heard it.

"What-um, what is it called?" I asked as cooly as I could.

"There's a lot of them, it's a Youtube channel called I.M.S. You should listen to it, it's amazing."

I nodded wordlessly. I knew none of the videos I had taken showed my face, but I didn't even know how they had made their way onto the internet. Oh God, what if the Cullen's heard? Would they recognize me? Would they laugh at how heartbroken I was by their departure. I stopped that train of thought, it wasn't helping me contain my consternation.

The clock ticked so much slower, each second barely inching time forward. My leg shook so badly, that I worried I was going to get a muscle cramp. I chewed on my lip so hard, I almost made myself bleed. But after an eternity, the bell rang finally dismissing us.

Instead of going to the Cullen's house like I normally did, I rushed home. My old computer seemed to be moving at a snail's pace today, but after a few minutes it finally loaded. I started searching for a Youtube channel I didn't know I had.

I allowed myself to listen to everything. I had played them all individually, but never all at once in a collection like that. As a unit, it represented the complexity of the heartbreak I felt.

The days where I was so mad at him for lying to me and for leaving me.

The days where I wanted nothing more than for him to be here with me.

The days where I was swept in a current of recollection.

Like an imperfect tapestry. Some disjointed and discombobulated collection of love lost.

I needed to figure out who exactly had done this and how they had gotten those videos in the first place. My phone was probably the best place to start. I looked at my text history. Jake and Charlie were the only people I had regular contact with, and I knew Charlie wasn't responsible. I had no proof that Jake knew about it either, it was just more likely.

There was nothing unusual about any of my text conversations with either of them.

I scrolled down my phone to look at any deleted messages, and my heart stuttered. Dozens of text going to Jake from me? I had never sent these in my life. That means he had all of these videos. He could have posted them himself.

For the first time in months I felt something except a numbing sadness. I was so angry with him. I made it over to the reservation quicker than I had ever before.

I heard the clanging that was a tell-tale sign he was in his garage. He came out to greet me like he always did, but his goofy grin dropped as soon as he saw my enraged expression. He started backing back up into his garage, when I shot him another glare.

"Tell me you didn't."

"Didn't what?" He asked, feigning innocence. But he was as bad of a liar as I was.

"Jacob Black, tell me you didn't do what I think you did."

"If we could just get on the same page about what I did-" he started, normally his joviality and goofiness lightened my mood, but today it infuriated me even more.

"The videos, Jacob. How were they sent to you?" I demanded, not letting him finish.

"Oh, well...er...you see," he stumbled through his explanation.

"Oh my God, you did, didn't you? Those were private, Jacob," I ranted.

"It's not that bad, Bella. They were so good. I didn't think anyone would see them, but you got to admit, it's pretty cool that you went viral," he boasted.

"Not that bad? Jake, has it ever occurred to you what would happen if someone recognized my voice. Oh no, what if he sees it?" I was all of the sudden filled with dread at the thought of him seeing everything I had written about us. About him.

"Forget about him. He left you," Jake reminded. The reminder stung, I didn't like thinking about the way he had exited my life, how easy it was for him to remove himself from my small, mundane world. I crossed my arms over myself trying to hold myself together.

Jake had convinced me that no one would find out it was me, none of the videos even showed my face, and my voice wasn't a distinct one, it would be fine. Plus, I didn't really have a choice, Jake said if I took them down, he would just post them all over.

EPOV

I was sitting in the attic of some random apartment in South America with the last piece of Bella I had. I allowed myself this scarf that was now losing her scent, and nothing more. I didn't deserve anymore than that.

I had tried tracking Victoria, but she continued to evade me in spite of my best efforts. I was constantly surrounded by the sounds of life, but I assumed it was much later considering how quiet it was. Time had lost all meaning without Bella. It hurt just to think of her name. I was so close to breaking down and going to her, but I intended to keep my promise to her. I wouldn't interfere with her life anymore.

But she was my only reason for existing.

I had left her in the cruelest way possible to ensure she wouldn't want me anymore. I wondered if she had moved on like I had intended. Did she ever think about me and those beautiful months we shared? Maybe she locked those memories away once I left her. Maybe she had found someone else to take my spot next to her. I knew most males her age in Forks were ready to take my coveted place without a second thought. Perhaps Jacob Black, or wretched Mike Newton?

I had to stop thinking about that, it only intensified the urge to go to her.

I heard several intoxicated people walking by. I hadn't hunted in months, but that wasn't what gave me pause. They were playing something on one of their cellphones. The voice. It was one I knew well, better than my own. One I had studied ever so intently. One I played back over and over, but that wasn't what gave it away. I could feel the ache of being separated from my mate ease ever so slightly, and I knew it was Bella's voice.

I searched through their minds and found what I was looking for. I heard them debating which song had more merit, but they all agreed that the subject of these songs was an asshole. And they'd be correct.

For the first time in months, I turned on my phone. I ignored the slew of missed call and unanswered text messages.

By the time I had the video pulled up, I was practically shaking in anticipation.

I sunk back down to the floor and pressed play on one of the dozens of videos posted. The channel name just further confirmed my suspicions, I.M.S. Isabella Marie Swan. Perhaps I had gone insane from the thirst, and this was nothing more than a coincidence, but I had the insatiable need to know.

All I could see from the video was a white ceiling, perhaps another coincidence, but it looked like the vaulted ceilings we had in our home in Forks. But the voice, it was one I never thought I'd hear again.

By the time I listened to every single one, I was absolutely certain that this was my Bella. But the last video provided me concrete proof, unlike the other videos, she tried covering the camera with her hand before shutting it off. It was so quick that if you blinked you would miss it, but I could see the silver scar exactly like the one Bella had on her hand.

I played it all once more, this time I focused on what she was saying. The heartbreak that had been intricately poured into these words was a catalyst to the flood of memories. I could see it all, I had hoped she would forget about me and moved on, but it was clear that the memories plagued her like they plagued me.

She had believed me, she believed that I no longer loved her. That I had tired of her. In my cruel and swift departure, she had believed every word I said. She thought I had changed my mind, that I would just move on.

The agony bubbling in my chest almost brought me to my knees. Each pained word she sang, each crack in her voice from the emotion, broke my un-beating heart.

It was no longer a decision. I couldn't leave her in pain anymore. I would just go check on her.

I had some very serious concerns about her wellbeing, both physical and mental. Maybe it was just words, but this metaphorical cliff she talked about concerned me, how she wished she was dead. Surely she would value her life without or without me in it.

The same part of me that wanted to stay with her after her birthday, said that she wouldn't. That like me, she was irrevocably altered by our love, by our bond. I had foolishly wanted to believe that she couldn't feel the mate bond like I had because she was human, but now I wasn't sure. Had she felt every excruciating ache that I had endured? Had I been the one to put her through that? Another unforgivable act on my behalf.

My phone pinged again, Alice. 'Just go, Edward. Now.'

I didn't even wait for a plane, instead running all the way back to Forks. To Bella. It was incredibly late, but when she wasn't in her bedroom, I had a feeling I knew where I would find her.

I could hear her heartbeat coming from a mile away. She was in our home, but a wolf was watching her from the outside.

She had fallen asleep on my piano bench. I couldn't bear to stay away any longer.

The giant wolf blocked me from entering, but they knew as well as I did that they couldn't defend. Once I'd returned to Forks, this wasn't their land anymore. It was Jacob, of course once one monster left town she found the only other mythological creatures available.

He hesitantly backed down, I could hear from his thoughts that it was only because of the treaty, but one misstep on my part, and he wouldn't hesitate to tear my head off. He didn't want me to hurt Bella more than I already had. I cringed at the flashes of memories of Bella over the last few months.

I finally made it inside. The house was filled with her scent, I welcomed the burn that I associated with Bella.

I was careful to not make a single sound, but Bella was stirring. She shot up from the bench looking completely frazzled. She looked directly at me and shook her head, like I wasn't real.

"Bella?" I called quietly.

BPOV

My mind was once again betraying me.

He wasn't there, I reminded myself. It's not real, but I swore I could reach out and touch him.

Tonight it was so much more vivid. My hallucination even carried his scent with it.

Maybe Victoria had found me sleeping and killed me. That made more sense, but if I was dead, why did I still feel the agonizing heartbreak?

My hand was involuntarily reaching for him, and when I made contact with his cool hand, I wasn't sure that this was a hallucination, I was dead then.

"Did I die?" I muttered to my self.

His eyebrows furrowed, and his musical voice spoke, "You're not dead, Bella."

I couldn't hold back my acerbic laugh, "I think I'm dead. You're not real- you're not here."

"Bella, I'm as real as you are."

It was such an infuriating thing not being able to trust my own mind, he had taken that ability with him.

But what if he was real?

No, I couldn't take the disappointment and heartbreak once he was gone again. I couldn't allow myself to be put through that again. He wasn't real. It didn't matter how real it felt. I would wake up alone tomorrow, and he would still be gone.

He would always be gone.

"What do I have to do to convince you I'm not a figment of your imagination?"

"Or a product of some twisted afterlife?"

"You aren't dead, Bella." He reached out and grabbed my wrist. His touch brought the strangest sense of relief with it. I couldn't allow myself to bask in it knowing it would be gone again. "Look feel your pulse. See? Still alive."

"Alright," I whispered, still not quite believing him. He didn't move his hand away nor did I push it away. I knew it would hurt in the morning when reality hit me like a ton of bricks but I couldn't fight the pull anymore.

"I'm real, Bella, I'm real and I love you, always."

I vehemently shook my head, "No, please don't lie. You're gone. In the morning, I'll wake up and you'll still be gone." Emotion flooded my voice and tears began forming in my eyes.

"I'm right here," and then he pressed his lips to mine. He was real. I had never had such a visceral reaction to anyone else. His mouth was on mine then, and I couldn't fight him. Not because he was so many thousand times stronger than me, but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met. This kiss was not quite as careful as others I remembered, which suited me just fine. If I was going to rip myself up further, I might as well get as much in trade as possible.

So I kissed him back, my heart pounding out a jagged, disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned to panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face. I could feel his marble body against every line of mine. There was no pain in the world that would have justified missing this. His hand memorized my face, the same way mine were tracing his, and, in the brief seconds when his lips were free, he whispered my name.

The agony would pummel me once he left again, and this time I was positive I wouldn't survive it.

He was probably here to tell me he didn't want me in his house, or that he had seen the videos and come to laugh in my face. There was no other logical explanation.

"Bella? Are you alright?"

"Why-um...why are you here?' I choked out, my voice still not above a whisper.

"I came to check on you," he whispered. I screwed my eyes shut, not wanting the tears to fall in front of him. He was going to leave again. It felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again.

"Well, I'm fine, so you can leave again," I whispered, my voice a strange mix of anger, heartbreak, and grief.

"Bella," he breathed, "I need you. I've been in agony since I left."

"Please don't- don't lie to me. You're just going to leave again."

I wasn't sure what it was, the late hour, the inability to process that he had momentarily returned, or if I was finally waking from this twisted dream.

But everything went black.

Hello, I just want to confirm that this is just a One-Shot.

I wanted to see the reaction to it for a longer, more complex story. I'm writing it anyway, but I wasn't sure if I'd ever post it, tbh. Let me know what you guys think!