"In other news, Louis Tomlinson, former member of the world famous boyband One Direction was released from a psychiatric institution after an apparent attempted suicide.
He was transported by ambulance to a hospital just a month ago after a 911 call from fellow band mate and friend Liam Payne who found him unresponsive on the floor of his London house.
Many fans have showed their support on Twitter for the heartthrob and Doncaster native along with making speculations as to why usually cheerful Tomlinson would go through with such an act.
The most popular speculation comes from a particular part of the One Direction who seem to think that Louis and his bandmate Harry Styles were formerly in a relationship, his attempt coming just a day after Styles' newly announced and surprising engagement to Nick Grimshaw. Fans say Tomlinson reacted badly to the news and tried to take his own life.
Though the speculation is interesting, nothing has been confirm-"
"Lottie. Please." A voice spoke, one Louis could only identify as Dan sitting on his left side as he ate with his family, grip on his fork causing his knuckles to go white.
Or really.. they ate, he'd frozen, newly sparked pain dull in the center of his chest as the news reporter spoke. It'd been a month and it was no less painful even with therapist's help. The news reporter had no idea just how right she was. How on the nose their fans were. He knew they were good at figuring out the unspoken reasons for things but he never thought they'd catch on so fast to something like this. It almost made him feel guilty for making them worry.
Almost.
Lottie stood from the table slowly, walking into the living room, grabbing the remote from where Fizzy had carelessly tossed it while they'd been watching cartoons with Ernest and Doris, and shut the television off quickly. She turned back towards the kitchen, their gazes meeting, hers laced with pure concern while his remained indifferent. A slight turn upwards of his mouth was all the reassurance he could really offer her at this point.
He still wasn't sure why he'd done such a thing himself. As he thought about it after his release, he figured it was a little dramatic. Let no one tell him he couldn't still rock a drama degree but he didn't want to die. Not really. He just felt like a huge part of his life had been missing for a long time. Several months in fact. Right around the time Harry had left him after his downward spiral.
They'd tried to make it work for a long time. They lasted five years before things started getting in the way. Career commitments, lack of coming out opportunities, more control over their actions, crazy promo tactics, PR stunts featuring leggy models and one Eleanor Calder. Maybe a child, of course which Harry did not take too kindly too. Then the mother of all horrid events, his mum passing.
After she'd died, it was like he got stuck with a dark cloud over his head. Harry constantly being gone for his album didn't help. Not like he didn't have his own meetings and work commitments but he figured there would always be time. It also didn't help the boy had a "more pressing matter to attend to" and did not attend her funeral with him and really that was bullshit in itself. Something inside him broke that day with no chance of being repaired. At least not anytime soon.
When Harry was gone, he'd be with Oli out at a club trying to drink away the fact that his boyfriend was way too busy for him. He'd stumble in at four in the morning smelling of whiskey and weed and sometimes Harry wouldn't even be home yet. When he was, he usually got a lecture the morning after which lead to a fight of some sort, and Harry avoiding him most of the day by spending it at the studio.
On top of all of this, there was still the fact that they were forced into separation and straightness by money hungry labels and reps. It had been building for years and each day that passed added more stress. It got to be too much. While Louis wanted to try to sustain them, make their relationship withstand anything, Harry didn't. Not with Louis acting out and their 'spark' dulling because of anger and depression and distress. It wasn't like it didn't pain him to do as much, either. He knew it hurt the other boy too, extremely so, but it was what had to be done at the time, and he seemed to handle the separation a lot easier.
Of course, not long after they split, Harry was offered the opportunity to come out. It was like a cruel cosmic joke that had slapped him in the face. Louis had no doubt that they might have been able to be a truly out couple if they were still together but of course he'd fucked that all up now.
The part that sucked at the time and maybe it still did was that he lived in their house they'd bought together after X Factor. The house their love grew in. It was filled with old pictures, home videos, and a lot of other things that showed they had once had a life there together and Louis never touched a thing. He always told the boys he'd rather feel pain than forget. He still counted seeing Harry's stuff disappear one thing at a time as one of the worst things he's ever had to go through but he made it.
What he didn't expect was for Nick to announce on his radio show they were getting married not too long after learning they'd been in a relationship. Or that they'd be having an engagement party in London when Harry returned from recording his album in Los Angeles. To put it bluntly, he got insanely drunk while out with Liam and Niall that night. So drunk, they had to pick him up off the sidewalk and carry him back to his house since they'd walked to the club.
Niall went home and Liam stepped outside after they deposited him down on the bed. Apparently it was a huge mistake. The biggest one they ever could have made.
Louis had literally crawled into the bathroom, tears streaming down his face though he showed no emotion in his features, and pulled himself up to his feet by gripping the cold, unforgiving porcelain of the sink. He grabbed the sleeping pills from behind the mirror where they were hidden. Harry had had some trouble sleeping at one time due to his traveling schedule and he'd gotten them to try to even out. It would figure it would be something of Harry's to do him in. Rather poetic way to end one's life.
He swallowed them all in one go.
Next thing he knew, he was waking to bright lights in a large, private hospital room with Liam and Niall looking down on him with matching expressions of distress. The first thing he remembered hearing was the thing he'd keep on hearing from people that cared about him for a long time.
"Are you crazy, why would you do this?!"
Liam's voice was shaking and it made Louis' stomach sink. He was the one who had found him on the bathroom floor, unconsious he would later find out. He couldn't imagine what Liam must have been thinking the whole time. He remembered thinking he didn't want to know. He also remembered thinking in some space of his mind he was glad his mum couldn't see him like this.
Niall had remained severely quiet the whole time which was quite unlike the Irish lad. He was even more pale than usual and his expression was schooled into that of a mix of concern, exhaustion, sadness, and stress. While he wasn't exactly thinking, he wasn't a monster and he offered Niall an apology and stretched his arms out for a hug which the boy took up the opportunity quickly, flopping into his arms, and crying.
"I'm sorry, Ni. Li I-I couldn't take it anymore." He had stuttered, his blue eyes fixing on Liam's brown, glassy eyes as he moved closer and joined the hug as well.
"Please don't try to leave us again." He had whispered into Louis' unkempt hair, all he could do was nod.
It was decided that it was unwise even after Louis had been rehabilitated and deemed fit to return home that he go back to the house he shared with Harry. After all, it made sense. Even if he did feel a bit better than he had going in, he was still vulnerable to memories. The scars of ending a relationship after five years were a lot deeper than he expected them to be, even after deciding at the time maybe he'd rather die after all. He wasn't sure he could deal with them alone at the time of his release.
Instead, he went to stay with Dan and the girls back home while he was trying to heal himself more and cope with the fact that he may never be able to retain what he once had with Harry. Dan had picked him up, Ernest and Doris sitting in the back seat, a big smile on their faces as they saw Louis' face through the window and he smiled back, the first smile that had spread across his face in a while.
Unfortunately, he wasn't really the same person after he was released. What was once a bright and funny and charming boy was now an indifferent, unfeeling, sad replacement. He could tell the girls were a little less than enthused to see this and it actually made him wish he wasn't so screwed up from all of it. That he could be that person who joked around with them and played with them happily. He wished he was normal.
Louis wanted to take them out to the parks and to the zoo. To buy them stuff and smile brightly as they bragged to each other and Dan about everything they'd gotten from him. He wanted to spend time with Ernie and Doris while they were so young and impressionable and teach them everything he knew. Sadly, it didn't look as if that would happen.
He felt like Bella after Edward had left and as much as it made him cringe to make that comparison, it wasn't far off the mark. He didn't want to do anything but sit and sulk. Isolate himself while the pain consumed him.
Losing his appetite, he stood, making his way into the living room instead to sit on the couch and stare out the window into the darkness that was making its way across the sky. When he felt someone sit next to him, he sighed.
"Are you alright?" Lottie asked gently, her hand moving to rest upon his knee.
"I wish I was, Lots. I feel like i've changed for the worse. I'm a horrid brother and a shitty boyfriend." Louis paused, his face turning to connect his gaze with hers, frowning a bit. "I basically suck as a human being."
Lottie's hand moved from her brother's knee to his shoulder, squeezing it gently. Louis could feel her stare boring into the back of his head so he turned his head towards her, gnawing on his lower lip.
"Daisy and Phoebe don't quite understand what's happened. Dan hasn't told them what you've done or where you've been. They just don't get it, Lou. Its not you."
Louis' head turned downward, staring at his mismatched black and red socks against the white carpet. He tried not to think about the fact that the black one was one Harry left behind.
Tears built up in his eyes but he didn't let them fall, dull bluish gray eyes turning glassy.
"I'm never going to love anyone again." He whispered, his voice straining even as low as it was, sounding rough, like his breath was getting stuck but he still tried to speak. "And that terrifies me. Everyone I meet is going to be compared to him. If I even meet anyone. I can't even fathom giving anyone the chance to be let in."
Lottie didn't speak, wrapping her arm around Louis' shoulder, pressing her forehead against his temple. He could feel that she was frowning as well as he could feel eyes on them from across the room.
Eventually, Fizzy came into the room as well, kneeling in front of him, her hands on his knees much like Lottie had done.
"We're going to be here for you until you feel like you can stand on your own two feet." She murmured, trying to meet his gaze to convey her soothing message.
Louis wrapped one arm around Lottie and pulled Fizzy into an embrace, a few lone tears sliding down his already rosy cheeks. "I love the both of you. Very much. I know i'm not a great sub for mum but if you ever need anyone.."
Both girls nodded their understanding, offering him kisses on each of his cheeks, then leaving him to talk to the youngest children who were all watching with sad expressions as their brother cried.
"Oi, come here then." He said to Daisy and Phoebe, who both sat on a leg, one of their arms wrapping around his neck.
"Are you okay, Lou?" asked Daisy, frowning slightly.
"Yeah, are you okay because you're crying!" Phoebe piped up after her sister.
Louis let out a watery chuckle, his own arms wrapping around their waists, rubbing their sides to reassure them.
"I'm okay, girls. I'm just.. Well i'm really sad right now and its going to take a while for me to get back to normal but i'm trying really hard."
Phoebe laid her head on Louis' shoulder, a frown curling her lips downward. While Daisy matched her expression, she just stared at him as if he were going to give her all the answers and well really, how do you tell your younger twin sisters you actually tried to kill yourself without causing them harm?
"What happened to make you sad?" Daisy asked, a look of concentration on her face. She seemed almost as if she was trying to be another therapist to him and it amused him slightly but his thoughts were too dark to be honest about.
His tongue shot out to lick his lips, pushing a hand nervously through his slightly growing fringe and he decided now was as good a time as any.
"You remember Harry, right?"
Both girls nodded in the affirmative, Phoebe's head shooting up at the mention of his name and why wouldn't she? She always braided his hair when he was here with him. He lifted a hand to comb his fingers through her soft hair instead, hoping it might calm his nerves.
"Well, Harry and I aren't together anymore and that made me very sad. I did something stupid to try to deal with it and almost ended up getting really hurt. Now i'm just trying to help myself not be sad."
While Daisy contemplated his response, her fingers drifting over her lips, and her brows furrowed, Phoebe sighed dramatically. A pout was formed out of her lips, the lower lip more pronounced.
"I'm never going to be able to braid his hair again, am I?" She spoke and she sounded genuinely saddened by the fact, even if she did know Harry had cut his hair.
"I'm sorry, love."
"Its okay. Did he hurt you?"
Phoebe's expression changed from deeply saddened to one of fierce protectiveness and his heart jolted, his stomach lurching with fondness for his sisters. Both of these girls, they still wanted to protect him with all they had even if he hadn't been the best brother since their mum died and even just in general. He was pretty sure they'd attack Harry if he ever said the boy had hurt him or broken him, even as much as they loved him. While most people don't try to kill themselves until they are broken, Harry had never intentionally hurt him.
"Yeah! We can kick him!" Daisy exclaimed, throwing her fist into the air.
Her response startled a hearty chuckle out of him, his head shaking. It felt weird and nice to be able to laugh. "Well, I am quite sad I don't have him but no he didn't hurt me, Daise. If he had I might have kicked him myself a few times."
He made a kicking motion with his feet, jostling the girls, and causing them to giggle.
"Alright, girls. I think its time we let Louis relax for a bit. Nearly time for bed anyway." Dan muttered, appearing in the doorway that lead off from the kitchen.
"Its okay, they're not bothering me." He tried to argue but the man gave him a stern look anyway and then gave the same look to the twins as he told them to go upstairs for a little while.
Louis knew better than to argue.
They both gave him kisses on the cheek then said their good nights, Ernest and Doris having already disappeared with Lottie and Fizzy to be put to bed. He waved the girls off, watching them bound up the stairs as his body sank back into the armchair he'd found himself in.
"I'm really glad you're okay, Louis."
Louis turned his body back towards Dan who held a beer in his hand, sitting on the couch not too far away from where he was sitting
"Yeah, me too. Okay is a bit of a stretch right now but i'm alive. I think that's all anyone cares about at this point."
Dan nodded, opening his beer, taking a large sip of it. "Harry was a good lad. You both have had a hard life. Its not without its hardships. Your mum never quite expected the two of you to split. "
Louis' chest gave a particularly painful throb once more like it had earlier. Somehow he figured joining the subjects of Harry and his mum in one sentence wouldn't be as painful as it was but he was proved wrong. It almost made him wince with how much it hurt.
At least he'd sent a message of condolences when Robin passed and even had shown up to speak to Anne the day after his funeral. Robin was like a second father to him. He was there for the beginning of everything and that's probably what made him and Dan different. That's probably what made Louis miss him a lot more. Almost as much as his mum.
"Yeah he was great." Louis mumbled, his throat drying considerably, trying to swallow around the knot in his throat.
"I just want you to have the time you need. I don't want to get this phone call again. You have no idea how worried I was about you."
He hated making people worry. He didn't want to be more of a problem to people than he usually was being that he was famous for lack of a better word. The fact that he'd made Dan worry made the guilt in him reach new levels. He had never really wanted that from any action that he'd carried out. Intentional or not.
Despite his initial desicion that he didn't want to kill himself, Louis was unclear at this point after much contemplation whether he actually wanted to. He was sure that he just wanted an escape. Sleep seemed like a viable option but seeing as how the sleeping pills were in the bathroom and he was extremely drunk, it wasn't coming easy. Essentially, he'd lost his mind and taken a lot more than expected and ended up passing out on the floor but he will be the first to admit that's the only time he'd ever felt okay. It was like a temporary vacation from the raging thoughts of Harry and just how much he'd fucked up. He had been teetering on the line between thinking Harry had finally found someone who actually deserved him and needing him to be in his life more than anything to keep him grounded.
"I'll get the time. I need time to myself to just step back and be normal for a while. I'm gonna meet up with Stan and Oli and a few others tomorrow."
He and Stan had had a falling out way before he and Harry had called it quits and he hadn't heard from him in a long time. Upon knowing he'd be going back to Doncaster and the fact that Stan sent him a card while he was in the facility, he figured maybe sorting things out wouldn't be a bad thing.
He already knew Stan disliked Harry for hurting Louis this much even though it wasn't his fault so he thought maybe patching things up would be a lot easier than originally expected. Considering Stan had apologized for being a dick in his card, all that was left was for Louis to apologize for being a shit and forgetting about the fact that he had friends back home when One Direction took off. Which he really was. He either spent all his time with Harry, with Eleanor, or he was with Oli or some other famous person. He didn't really leave time for home friends.
Without Stan really, he wouldn't have had the confidence to go through with his X Factor audition which he still to this day cringed over whenever someone showed him as a reminder so he had that to thank him for.
"Well good, i'm glad you're getting out there again. Stan was a good kid from what i've heard too. Some sun will do you good as well."
Louis nodded with a small smile on his face and stood slowly, making his way upstairs to his old bedroom after bidding his step father goodnight. When he got up to the bedroom, he paused. His mum had left it practically the same as it was when he moved out. Despite having taken all his stuff, the room still looked full and lived in. He was almost convinced she came in here to spend time when she missed him.
He stripped his clothes off save for his navy blue boxer briefs, pulling the covers back, and getting into his bed. He buried himself under the covers and tried to ignore the fact that it was only 9:30 at night and he was crawling into bed as if he was forty years old. He arranged a pillow in front of him to wrap his arm around and bury his face into, feeling vaguely pathetic he still felt the need to do this and pretend it was Harry just to be able to fall asleep.
The last thoughts he had before he slipped into a deep slumber was that he would probably never be able to forget that name no matter what he did and that he probably would be sleeping alone for the rest of his life.
The sun shone through the blinds in the morning, filling the room with an infernal light that annoyed Louis to no end. He cracked an eye open, realizing he forgot to shut his dark curtains last night, and cursing himself for it.
He let out a loud groan, pushing himself to sit up slowly, legs still buried underneath his green comforter which he tried to desperately ignore. His first thought of the morning wasn't going to be that the fabric sort of matched his ex boyfriend's eyes.
He stretched his limbs out, throwing the covers off his body. It was just then that he'd realized he was supposed to meet up with Stan today, which made him jump off the bed and towards his phone on the nightstand, switching it on. The phone exploded with text messages, ranging from 'Where are you?' to various expletives Stan was known for when he was angry. The time read 10 AM. He was an hour late.
The blue eyed male threw on a pair of grey track pants and a black tank, grabbing a sweater since the gloomy weather outside didn't exactly look promising. He grabbed his skateboard laying dormant in the corner of his room and rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen where Dan was currently fixing the girls breakfast.
"Are you planning on sitting down to a meal?" Dan asked, a brow raising as he noticed Louis' rushed appearance as he chugged a glass of orange juice.
"Sorry, i'm late for meeting Stanley, he's going to have my head. This was all about making things better and i'm making them worse." Louis hastily, putting the glass on the counter and giving each girl and Ernie a kiss on the head. "Ta!"
"You know, if I didn't know any better, i'd say he seems better already." Fizzy said, her expression showing her surprise, watching her brother rush out the door.
Louis was out of breath by the time he'd run over to where they'd arranged to meet up. It was a skate park they used to frequent as teenagers, usually he would be sitting on a ramp, or riding his bike around but since Zayn had taught him how to skateboard while on tour, he had chosen to do that instead.
He was drenched in sweat when he managed to fight the gate open, Stan standing in the middle of the park with Oli, chatting up a storm while a few other boys they didn't know rode around, doing tricks off ramps.
"See you've met." He said, panting heavily, leaning forward to rest his hands on his knees to catch his breath.
"Nice to see you, finally."
Stan gave him a stern look, his arms crossing over his chest. It made him feel like a child. A very guilty child. Oli just looked at him and shrugged, flashing him an apologetic look.
"Stan, i'm sorry, mate. I overslept."
"Yeah, yeah. I've been hearing excuses from you for years, Louis. I'm really tired of getting my hopes up only to fall flat on my face." Stan shook his head as he spoke, sighing shortly after.
The thing that made him sad the most was that Stan seemed genuinely distressed by the fact that he thought Louis wasn't coming, it hurt. It wasn't that he'd never wanted to see his best friend back home, it was that he was so busy trying to salvage his sanity and his relationship and career that he let everything slip up here.
"Stan.. i'm really sorry. Everything has been on fast forward for years.." Louis trailed off, letting his mouth sink into a frown, redirecting his gaze to the ground. "I've been such a flaky, shit friend. None of you deserved this, I have just been so stressed.."
Stan's expression softened a bit as he stared at him, his arms uncrossing. He moved forward, placing his hands on his shoulders, squeezing them reassuringly.
"Much as I want to hate you for being such a dick these past few years, we've known each other too long to just fall out like this. I still love you, asshole." He said, offering Louis a bright smile, reaching up to ruffle his hair.
Louis slapped the male's hand away from his hair, whining as his hair messed up despite the fifteen minutes he'd spent getting his fringe the way he wanted it. After they'd embraced, Stan leaned back, his eyes searching his face before he opened his mouth again.
"Are you alright?"
The question came out so gently it felt like Louis had never left. It felt like there had never been a rift between them and he was still that eighteen year old boy that had left everyone behind to try to make a dream he considered silly come true. The rest of the details that completed his life that day weren't important anymore. Not if he was expected to remain sane.
He also noticed Stanley was the first one who hadn't completely freaked out on him and asked why he'd done it which he was very grateful for. Going over it several times was about as therapeutic as going through it the first time. He flashed Oli an awkward smile and a wave over his best friend's shoulder as it seemed they'd completely forgotten about him for the time being.
"I'm fine, Stanley. I'm here. Things are hard but yeah. I'm here." All of a sudden he was wrapped up in two strong arms, his own wrapping around the male's frame in a hug.
"I still want to kick his ass, you know." Stan mumbled in his ear, pulling back to stare deep into his eyes. "He's a prick."
Louis choked out a laugh, a hand rubbing over his face slowly. He swallowed around the large, dry lump in his throat that always formed when someone even vaguely mentioned Harry and fought back the urge to crumple against the concrete and cry.
"Can we just not talk about him now? I thought we were here to do something? What's with all this mushy shit?"
With his weak attempt to joke his way through, Stan shot him a sympathetic look with a slight turn of his mouth before directing his attention to Oli, his hand clapping down on Louis' shoulder.
"This twat actually know how to use that skateboard or is he all talk? Reckon you'd know more than me."
"Oi! Listen Stanley.. " Louis yelled in mock offense, brows furrowing while Oli's head tipped backwards, a loud laugh spreading around them.
"He's fairly good, yeah."
Stan bent forward, picking up the skateboard discarded at Louis' feet, tossing the board at him. "Show me what you got then, Tommo."
They were at the skate park for a while, Stan catching him up on his life, including the fact that he was about to be a father, which caught him off guard enough to cause him to stumble and fall off his board. He shouldn't have been so surprised, seeing as how he and Stan were close to the same age and he was almost thirty with a son of his own. Or at least so it was made to look.
They had abandoned the skate park soon after in favor of kicking a football around an old pitch he'd practiced on for hours upon hours when he was younger. He'd met Stan on this very pitch when he nailed him in the back of the head with his ball when he was a kid. The memory made him smile as he stared off into space, foot propped up on the ball.
"Oi! Louis! Are you gonna fire off the ball or am I going to have to steal it away, you twat?"
He flashed Stan a look, his mouth dropping open to answer him when he felt the ball slip from underneath his foot, almost causing him to fall face first onto the damp grass. Once he'd regained his balance, he realized Oli had stolen it from him and was running down towards Stan to try to score a goal. He prepared himself, taking a deep breath before taking off after him, yelling at him, shaking his fist over his head like a grumpy old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn.
When he finally caught up to Oli, he swiped the ball away, pushing him over onto the grass and kicking the ball just past his best friend's head, his arms shooting up over his head, letting out a loud whooping sound. He jumped around all over the grass, lifting his shirt to wipe the sweat off his forehead.
"You cheated!" Stan yelled, moving forward, hands resting on his hips as he scrutinized Louis.
Louis pretended to flick hair over his shoulder, strutting towards him with a bit more confidence than he'd previously had. "Now now, Stanley. Don't be a sore loser. I can't help that i'm amazing."
It was then that he heard it.
"Nice handling there, superstar." said a familiar, feminine voice from the sidelines.
When Louis noticed who had been standing there, he almost tripped over his own feet. "Han.. what are you doing here? I didn't expect you to-"
"I heard what happened and that you were staying 'round your mum's house so I thought maybe i would come see you." Hannah offered him a shy smile, tucking a strand of her now long, blonde hair behind her ear. "Haven't seen you in a very long time and Stan said something about coming to see you as well."
Louis nodded slowly, unable to speak. His eyes scanned her body and only just then did he notice she was pregnant. A lot of his memories had flown back into his mind at once and the first thing he felt he had to do was apologize. He did leave her for Harry during X Factor and all. Guilt flooded his body before he had even known what happened or had the good sense to speak.
"I'm sorry.. for everything. Don't suppose that's mine then." He said, nodding down at her stomach. She looked to be almost six months.
Hannah laughed, which made Louis smile, and shook her head slowly. "Nope, not yours. Reckon its that imbecile's little one."
"Wait.. you're with Stan?"
And really it made sense. Stan and Hannah had always been close, he was the one to get their asses into gear and get them dating. He'd always looked a bit disappointed while they were dating and he never really questioned it. He supposed being gone for almost six years, he couldn't say anything. It was still a shock that the child he'd been talking about the whole time had been with his ex though. Didn't that break some sort of bro code?
"Yeah." she mumbled, her face flushing slightly as she stared at the ground. "It just kind of happened."
He winced. That was the same excuse he'd fed her when he broke up with her on the phone. He told her that he'd met someone and when he confirmed it was Harry as per her suspicions from the way they were acting when she met him, that was all he could say. It was hard for him, not being able to be everything she deserved. Before X Factor, he'd wanted to marry Hannah. Have kids and a normal life. The whole nine. When he met a curvy little sixteen year old with curls and dimples, his life turned upside down. After that it felt like he'd really been gay his whole life and boy was it a revelation. An unexpected one. One he'd quite the hard time accepting. He thought he was happy with life before then. Turns out it was only after him that the happiness felt real.
"Suppose I can't talk but as long as he treats you right!" He bellowed, loud enough for Stan to hear and give him a thumbs up and a smile. It made him grin as well. "I guess its alright. Have to make an honest woman out of you now, though. I get to be best man."
When he looked back up at the blonde, she was frowning, studying his face. His face fell immediately. She was doing what everyone else had done since his release. Trying to figure out why he had done what he had. Whether he was actually happy right now or putting on a show like he used to do when he would get upset. Like they were trying to delve into his memories to see what he had and felt what he had the night he passed out on that cold tile floor.
"I never thought you could ever do something like that. You've always been so happy." Hannah said, breaking the heavy silence between them, her teeth wearing on her lower lip.
Louis frowned further, staring at his feet. He hated this part. Everyone sounded so disappointed in him for it. Of course, he knew better but some part of him could still pinpoint the hint of it in each person's voice. "Things change when you feel like your heart is being ripped by a shredder." His voice was barely above a whisper, his cheeks feeling as if they were heating up gradually. "I'm sorry."
"I was worried about you. You two seemed so happy and to hear all this was a shock. Especially after your mum."
He sighed, pushing fingers through his messy brunette hair. "I know. I went down a dark hole I couldn't get out of. Think that's why he left but he's got better now so I just have to cope with the fact that i'm going to be alone forever."
The girl shook her head vigorously, almost as if she was determined to prove him wrong on that aspect. Like she was confident in the fact that he wouldn't. Really that's what he loved about her, her unending optimism.
"I will. I don't want anyone else, that's why." Louis wrapped his arms around himself, his gaze not lifting from its point on the ground. He was too ashamed of his patheticness to look her in the eyes, really.
"Lou, you sell yourself short. You think Nick Grimshaw is better than you. Why? Because he's been out from the off? I can promise you that Harry didn't end up with him purely because of that or because he knew it'd bother you most. He's just been there the longest. You have to remind him why he fell in love with you."
Louis exhaled shakily, his eyes welling up with tears. "I can't anymore, Hannah. I don't have the strength. At any point I feel as if i'll snap in half."
She moved forward, pulling him into a tight embrace despite the bump of her stomach separating them. For a moment, he let himself fall into familiarity. To fall into old memories. With the bad, there were a lot of good too and the contact made him melt. There was no way he was stable at the moment and he needed every sense of the word stability he could find while he was out on his own. He couldn't impose on Dan and the girls forever.
"You better not be trying to move in on Han again, boy. I will beat you up." Stan mumbled, a smile on his face as he approached them with Oli. "Believe you know that girl, Lou."
He nodded up towards the stands and there was a tall girl in a long, black coat watching them. Louis recognized her right away. It was Gemma. Anne had probably sent her to check on him after news of his release hit the papers. She'd lost a best friend and a husband, she didn't want to lose another person who was important to her and he got it. Really, he did.
Louis hugged Hannah and Stan and told Oli he'd see him soon, jogging his way across the field with a light crunch of the dewy grass underneath his feet. He had no idea why his heart was beating faster. Why he could hear it in his ears like a freight train. It was only Gemma but he figured, part of Harry. Part of pain.
"Hey trouble. How'd you manage to find your way all the way here?" He said, bright smile replacing his gloomy demeanor, climbing the stairs and joining her on the bench.
"A nice, long trip just for you. Wanted to see how things were and to tell you i'm sorry i'm related to an idiot."
Gemma had always supported his and Harry's relationship from the beginning. She kept a sound mind and protected them when necessary and usually when they fought, she stayed neutral, claiming she loved both of them too much to pick sides and if Harry couldn't deal with that, he should shove it up his bum. He loved having Harry's family despite all their drama. Besides his own family, Harry's mum's house was the only other place he felt comfortable. Felt like he was home.
Louis chuckled, though it came out a bit strained, crossing his legs, and resting his nervous hands on his lap. "Gem, he had every right to dump me. I was acting horribly, getting drunk every time he left. I don't blame him, honestly."
Gemma exhaled heavily, her own head shaking back and forth much like Hannah's had before. "Louis, you were mourning the death of your mother. His spending time away from you didn't help. He should have been there for you. He's talented enough to have a career after the fact."
"I would never make him give up his career solely to take care of me. I should have dealt with it in a much better way."
The dark haired girl lifted her hand, resting it on his shoulder much like Harry would have. Her lips pursed, brows furrowing. She seemed stunned he'd try to defend Harry and mildly frustrated he actually thought something like that. "Louis, if you get to the point in this where you try to kill yourself, there was no better way to deal with anything than to have him with you."
"Gemma.." He started, sighing once more, his face burying in his hands. "I didn't try to kill myself until after he left. I knew I had fucked everything up and at that point, I wanted to sleep and never wake up because that sounded better than existing without him. I still don't blame him though."
"Nick is a twat, Louis. So as far as Harry doing better, he didn't. I'm not sure how you got so low in your self esteem but my brother is indeed an idiot. He could have solved this and he ran and i've had this conversation with him." Louis' ears perked up at that, slightly hopeful. "He doesn't seem to comprehend it though. Nick's got him so fucked up. I don't even know why they're getting married. I really don't think Harry even loves him."
Louis turned his palms down, wiping his sweaty hands on his sweatpants. "Do you really think he'd get married if he didn't want to, though? He's not that type."
Gemma paused, taking a moment to consider what he'd said before she answered. "I think that Harry is convincing himself he loves Nick because its easier than facing life without you. I have supported him through many things, Louis but this is ridiculous. The fact that he would subject you to this and himself to a doomed marriage. I'm a bit shocked."
"You don't know they'll be doomed, they could be just fine."
Gemma raised her eyebrow and her gaze suggested she was looking at him as if he had two heads. "I know my brother, dear Louis. The only one he has ever felt one hundred percent in love with is you. I've been around him and Nick. Its like a relationship of convenience if anything. Nick is familiar. Its easier than trying to start over."
The male exhaled slowly, heavily, pushing his hand through his disheveled hair for what felt like the thousandth time today. "And what do you want me to do, Gemma?"
"Go talk to him. Its going to be the best thing for both of you."
It was easier said than done. That meant standing in front of the boy who he'd pushed away with his behavior. Dealing with everything that happened as he tried to look into those emerald eyes and try to either not crumple apart or make his life harder. He didn't trust himself to stay sane after seeing him anyway.
"I really don't know about that, Gem. I'm barely keeping it together as it is."
She rested her hand on his knee, shooting him a sympathetic look. "Look, I get it. Things have been hard and you're in a really shit place but you two need to talk. Maybe it can save everything."
That conversation with Gemma would be how and why he found himself back in London on the night of Harry and Nick's engagement party. The weather was as gloomy as it usually was but there seemed to be undertones in it that made it feel like it was gloomy only because of him. Like he'd brought more clouds and sadness to this bustling city that hung overhead and constantly reminded him that this was his life now if he was going to be here. In short, it was hell.
He exited the cab that had taken him, tossing a few bills at the driver, certainly more than he needed to but the traffic had been horrible and he felt bad. He looked up at the large, looming white house that had been his (and Harry's) for years. He hesitated for a while, his gaze shifting from the house to the wet cement as he chewed on his lip, wondering if he really could handle this on his own. He could call Niall or Liam, surely they were in town. Liam would probably be at the studio trying to record or write for his album. Niall would always come when he called.
Eventually, he sighed and shook his head, moving forward up the drive and to the front door. He had to do this himself. Luckily, with all his stuff in Doncaster still, the spare key was still underneath the pot of flowers they'd designated as the extra key spot. There was a trace of yellow police tape on his patio and he wasn't sure why but he figured it had something to do with him. He couldn't really remember what had happened that night and he never dared ask Liam about it for fear of upsetting him. That and he just plain didn't want to know about what happened on the worst night of his life. He was too embarrassed.
Louis stood in the doorway, memories flooding his head of a bright eyed, seventeen year old Harry drifting through the door to wrap himself around him, kissing his neck and cheek with a big smile, dimples creating craters in his face. He hadn't been here more than five minutes and his chest already was constricting with pain and something else he couldn't place. He felt like he was mourning another death with the way he felt here. Like Harry had died and left him behind and they had filled every space of this house so well that you couldn't go without feeling or remembering something.
He swallowed hard, pushing himself forward, dropping the key on a mahogany back table behind the couch, simply scanning his eyes over the living room and the kitchen that lay just to the side of him. Somehow being here was more painful now that he'd gotten out of his stay in the hospital than it was when he'd gone in. He felt so much more weighed down, his shoulders actually drooping with how heavy it felt like everything he felt made his limbs, his entire body. Maybe it was the fact that he was forced to confront everything that had happened there and now being in thehouse made everything all the more real. That night he had gone into the hospital, he couldn't remember anything. Everything he was told felt like something that had happened to someone else. It was easy to forget just how depressed he was. But really as if he needed anything to feel any more real. It was real enough to tempt him into thoughts of trying again.
Louis made his way through the hall and up the stairs that lead to the bedroom he used to share. No. The bedroom he slept in alone now. He exhaled shakily, his tongue darting out to run over his lips. Numbly, he sat on the bed, his palms flat on his jean covered thighs as he scanned the room. He'd never taken down the photos of him and Harry that hung all over their bedroom out of pride, some from the X Factor days and some newer. Stuff they'd never gotten to post because their management didn't believe in gay boybanders. Or even more, gay solo artists. As if Lance Bass and Elton John never existed. His chest gave another dull throb but instead of pain, it was just pressure deep in his chest cavity. He was reaching the stage of depression where he was so sad and hurt he couldn't feel anything. That was always fun. Or it could have been a heart attack. He'd prefer the first option, to be honest.
After a few more moments, he stood, slowly but surely making his way into the bathroom. He paused in the doorway. The bottle that he'd taken the sleeping pills from was still on the floor near the door a month and a couple weeks later. Funny no one decided to pick that up. Louis leaned forward, plucking it off the cold, black tile of the bathroom floor, holding it up, and reading the label. They were prescribed to Harry, of course. Sudden anger filled his gut and he turned and launched the pill bottle at the window, the clank of the plastic against glass feeling rather unsatisfying. Breaking the glass would have felt better. Breaking anything would. Breaking something like he broke me.
He knew this was a good idea, in theory. That talking to Harry might give him some sense of closure. It might make him feel better. Gemma always was logical in her way of thinking and like his mum, she was usually right. Of course, there was the side of him that knew if he saw Harry again, he'd be drawn into the boy's magnetic pull and it would only be that much harder to try to forget him again. Not that it was much of a possibility as of right now. Maybe with a few years. Or ten.
Either way, he slowly pulled on an all black suit, deciding to leave the top button undone because he didn't have the patience to mess with it anymore. As he was getting his suit on, messing with all the buttons, he was reminded of an interaction Johnny Cash had had with someone in the movie about his life that Niall had made him watch once. When asked what was with the black suit he was wearing and being told it looked like he was going to a funeral, he replied with a simplistic "Maybe I am." Louis had never related more to someone he'd barely known more than he did then. It did feel like he was going to one for the death of his happiness. The death of the relationship that gave him everything. Of course, it had ended long before but this was the final nail in the coffin. Harry was getting married to Nick and that was it. There was no more LouisandHarry.
Louis surveyed himself in the mirror for a while. He looked dead inside and wasn't that just the truth. He felt annoyingly morbid but it was all he could feel or.. not feel. He styled his hair into a quiff to actually make an effort with his appearance, not that it erased the bags underneath his eyes or the frown lines that had started in his forehead. He didn't know why he was trying at all anymore but he figured people still knew him so why give them more of a reason to worry or post shit articles?
Once he'd gotten on his shoes, he stepped out into the gloomy London air. He pulled up directions to wherever this party was on his phone and hailed a cab to the best of his ability. After he'd given the address to the driver, he was on his way, palms beginning to sweat, and chest tightening once again with growing anxiety.
Standing outside the large, looming building that contained what he could only guess were a bunch of hipsters and fabulous celebrities Nick had interviewed celebrating the love of his life getting married to someone else, he realized just how bad of an idea this would probably be. The only reason he could site for it being a bad idea would be that it would completely destroy what little mental health he'd had built since leaving the hospital. Was closure really worth it?
Despite that question, his feet moved him forward, pulling open the heavy gold door with glass windows, and stepping into the open space he assumed was the coat room. He walked on through before he lost his nerve, stepping into a room filled with people. Most of them probably were there for Harry as he couldn't see Nick having many fans but then again, that might just be his personal opinion clouding his judgement.
He headed straight to the bar, ordering straight vodka because he was pretty sure he'd need something strong, and then he turned, leaning back against the bar to survey the room. He saw a lot of people that he'd met when he'd been dating Harry but was too scared to socialize with because they were no doubt on the younger boy's side. That was another shitty part of their break up. He liked a lot of Harry's friends and now that they had broken up, he was intimidated. He wasn't sure what the hell Harry would have said to them. They could hate him now. They could completely despise him for putting him through so much. It was just way too nerve wracking to be here.
As he tried to navigate through the crowd, anxiety continuing to pull at his chest, he heard his name and froze.
"Louis Tomlinson, as I live and breathe."
He knew who it was, he knew that smarmy voice all too well. He really didn't want to turn around but of course his body had been doing all sorts of things to betray him lately, so he did. When he made eye contact with Nick, he nodded.
"Nicholas." He simply stated, crossing his arms self consciously. He wasn't sure when it became a truth that Nick made him feel a little less confident but he could definitely feel it now.
"Just Nick is okay, Louis. What brings you 'round? Figured you were spending all your time alone these days." Nick smirked, swirling wine around in a wine glass, as if it made him look that much cooler.
"I just saw a big, pretentious party and figured i'd check it out. Figures it would be something you're hosting." Louis fidgeted, hoping Nick wouldn't pick up on his nerves, clearing his throat after taking a rather large sip of his vodka. His attitude always worked to hide his real emotions.
Nick's jaw clenched slightly but he still had a smile on his face, one of those smug ones he'd love to punch off. He nodded as if he was impressed Louis could still trade quips as quickly as he used to while taking another gulp of his wine.
"He's not here." Was all the male said but it felt like a punch in the gut to him. His gaze lifted from where it had been trained on Nick's shoes, meeting his eyes. "I know that's why you came. He's still recording bits of his album but he told me to go on and have the party anyway. That he'd try to make it later. He's in the studio in London."
Louis' gaze dropped once more, tongue darting out to wet his lips. When Nick moved forward to rest his hand on his shoulder, he backed up, not wanting to be touched or pitied. That wasn't the Nick Grimshaw way. He'd always given him shit when he was dating Harry and he rather liked it though he never really admitted it to his boyfriend at the time. Harry was convinced he and Nick hated each other with a passion but they'd built up a sort of acquaintanceship that some levels of civility to it. Coupled with some good natured ribbing of course. It meant he wouldn't treat Louis like glass like everyone else. There was some stage of normalcy. Of course, that wasn't to say he wasn't feeling a bit defensive since Nick was now marrying his ex.
However, knowing Harry was in the same place as him, that he still existed and wasn't a figment of his imagination late at night anymore made his heart give that all too familiar throb. He also considered Liam was probably there speaking to him as well. It made him felt a lot worse for some reason. He must have made his pain evident on his face, let the facade crumble too much because his tone softened when he spoke again.
"He misses you, you know. He hasn't said as much but I can see it in his eyes. He felt absolutely horrible when he heard you'd been admitted to the hospital. Blamed himself." He moved closer and although Louis felt like he should take another step backwards, he didn't instead, he kept quiet, letting Nick continue on. "He still cares about you."
Louis stayed silent for a couple more minutes, trying to gather his thoughts with the information Nick had provided him. He wasn't sure why but he figured Harry had completely forgotten his existence. That he didn't care about what happened because he chased the boy away. He figured he was relieved to get away and be with someone who wasn't nearly as screwed up as him. Nick was everything that he wasn't. He was stable, happy, successful, and could provide Harry the best life. They could be out and proud with everything going for them while he had lost his way through all the bullshit and didn't even know who he was anymore.
"Its not his fault." His voice was strained as he spoke. He could feel the prickle of tears in his eyes but he refused to let himself fall apart in public. "I didn't do it because of him. I just couldn't keep going anymore."
"Are you okay, though? As much as we aren't total friends, I feel the need to ask because you look like shit, love." Nick shifted from one shiny, Italian shoe to another from what he could see, his hand finally coming to rest hesitantly on his shoulder, squeezing it.
When Louis finally found the strength to look up at the other male, all he could read on his face was concern. For all the shitty things Nick had pulled on him in his life, this is the one time he seemed to be a hundred percent genuine. It sort of warmed his heart to know someone other than the usual people cared, even if he didn't want him to change how he acted towards him.
A chuckle pushed its way through Louis' body and exited his mouth with a heaviness to it that was a little more worrying to him than normal. In the center of his chest had bloomed a dull ache. One that didn't show a sign of easing this time. "I'm... alive. I figure that's about the best I can do right now. One day at a time."
"I know i'd probably be the last one you'd ask but if you ever need anything.." Nick trailed off, his free hand gesturing his point as he found he couldn't finish his sentence as he saw the pained look on Louis' face.
Louis nodded and turned away, intent on leaving but something made him pause. An idea had sprung up in his head and he figured it needed to done sooner or later. He turned back to Nick, moving towards him slowly, trying to get his thoughts in order, ignoring the pang of pain. "Actually, I want to do an interview. Tomorrow. With you."
Nick scoffed, then swallowed hard, adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "An interview with me? Are you crazy?"
"You're the only one that won't treat me like i'm gonna break at any minute, which i'm expecting. I want you to treat me like you've always treated me. I don't want sympathy. I want good, old fashioned, smug, shithead Nick Grimshaw."
Nick's mouth opened and closed a few times, his facial expression a mix of surprise and consideration. He looked like a confused deer caught in headlights and it made Louis raise an eyebrow in amusement. It was rare he'd ever seen this man struggle for words.
"Okay. I'll do it. Harry will probably yell at me about it but i'll do it."
"Thanks." Louis responded, short but sweet, and he turned away, completely ready to leave but once again, he paused. The word came out in tone just above a whisper. "Congrats." Nick offered him a smile and nodded, then disappeared as quick as he'd come into the crowd of suits and gowns swarming the room.
Even though he hadn't gotten a single chance to speak to Harry, he felt like he'd taken a giant step forward and that was good enough for him. He let out a breath he was unaware he'd been holding in, the constriction in his chest loosening a considerable bit.
Louis took a cab back to the house that night, against his own better judgement and the advice of others, explaining to Dan that he was staying with Stan instead of telling him the truth. He knew how the man worried and as much as he appreciated it all, he needed a break from the constant observation. The ongoing concern for his mental and physical health. He was still alive and didn't plan on trying something again so he didn't see the harm and with him here, he was closer to the studio where Nick would be interviewing him.
Honestly, he was debating in his mind the whole drive back whether he'd actually done the right thing, asking the man to interview him, but he figured he needed to get the story straight. Not only for himself but for the fans and of course Harry who'd been blaming himself apparently the entire time he had been in the hospital. He needed the boy to know it wasn't his fault, that he didn't compell him to try this. It was his own idiotic desicions.
Louis couldn't live with the idea that Harry placed any semblance of blame on himself for his attempt. It was too heavy a weight and even if Nick hadn't let him know the boy missed him, he still wouldn't allow him to feel guilty just because he couldn't hold himself together. That wasn't his responsibility anymore. Along with their relationship, their friendship had gone with it, and understandably so. He didn't imagine this would be easier trying to be Harry's friend. Eventually jealousy would fuck everything up anyway.
When he returned home, Liam and Niall were standing at his front door, both of them leaning against the house, seemingly waiting for him. He exited the cab, paying the driver generously, and waved at the boys as he sauntered closer.
"Evening, lads." He said, unlocking the door, and kicking it open, letting it stay open so as to offer them entrance.
"When Dan said you were staying at Stan's but there were pap photos of you in London, we decided to come see you." Liam said, walking into the house, trailing Louis, Niall following him. "You know he'd worry about you if he knew you were here."
"That, my dear Lima, is why I did not tell him."
"Do you understand how worried you made everyone? How sad everyone was and you're choosing to lie to people? For what, Louis? Privacy?" The brown eyed male asked, his tone becoming one of frustration.
Niall stared between the both of them and when Louis' brow raised and he spared him a glance, the irishman shrugged apologetically, as if it was to make up for the fact Liam was acting irrationally at the moment. Or at least, so he thought.
"I'm not a child, Liam. I am almost thirty years old as much as I don't want to be. I am tired of everyone trying to infantilize me just because I tried to kill myself. I need to heal my own way." Louis spoke, unapologetically blunt. As much as he cared about Liam and hurting him, he couldn't find it in him to be sensitive given he felt completely emotionally drained.
"Do you understand how hard it was to see you on the floor of your bathroom like you were?" Liam asked, a clear strain in his voice, and it made him pause as he was heading to the kitchen. "You looked dead, Louis. Dead. And I thought-" He cut himself off, lifting his fist to his mouth to cough. Louis knew he was on the verge of crying and it made him feel guilty.
Louis turned, facing Liam, lifting his hand to push his fingers through his dishevelled hair. "Li.." He began, not quite sure how to proceed. And really how did you approach the subject of one of your best mates finding you ODing on the bathroom floor? "I'm sorry but this is hard for me too. I know you're all worried and its been hard but everyone looks at me differently now. They treat me like they're handling a glass figurine and I don't want that anymore. I hate it. Yes, I am fragile at times. Yes this fucking sucks, I don't know if I am going to love anyone ever again but I am repairing myself slowly. I need people to treat me as normal for that to happen."
"He's right, Liam." Niall said, breaking the long stretching silence for the first time since he'd stepped foot in the house. "This is how he's going to rebuild his strength emotionally. Everyone worrying and keeping him in a plastic bubble isn't going to help."
Louis offered him a gentle smile, one of very few genuine smiles that had appeared on his face in a while, and Niall returned it just as genuinely. He was glad through all of this, he had Niall. He was always seeing Louis' side, even if no one else could, in absolutely every situation. He was the one person he knew would understand if Liam didn't. Liam sighed from his place where he had migrated in the middle of them both, a hand rubbing over his face.
"I'm sorry, Louis. You're right. You both are. You need to do this your own way, its important."
Louis moved forward, standing in front of Liam, resting his hands on the male's shoulders. "Look, I never fully apologized for putting you in that position. I really didn't. I'm sorry, Liam. I am so sorry." He felt his chest clench with emotion, but he cleared his throat and continued. "I can't imagine the things you must have felt when you found me but I promise you that you will never have to feel those things again."
Liam nodded and he decided that it was good enough an acceptance for now. Maybe Liam had to process and heal in his own way as well and he would never take away his opportunity for that. At that, Niall clapped his hands together. "Well now that all that is taken care of, how about a boy's night? We can watch movies, shit TV, and order in. We haven't had a proper one in ages. Sure there's only three of us but its better than nothing."
"Yeah that sounds great, Niall but i've got to get up early tomorrow to go to an interview so not so late, yeah?" Louis spoke, grabbing the take out menus from the drawer he and Harry had designated for them years ago. They were wrinkled and weathered down by now but they still worked nevertheless. Plopping them on the table, his lifted gaze was met by twin puzzled looks. "What?"
"You've an interview? We didn't hear of anything scheduled and its not like we have anything for the band anymore." said Liam, grabbing the menus to sift through. "What shall we get?"
"I'm going on live in the morning with Grimshaw and I vote chinese. Niall?"
Niall scoffed in disbelief instead of answering him, crossing his arms over his stomach. "Are you kidding? You're being interviewed by Nick? Isn't that a little counterproductive to your healing? I mean he's marrying Harry."
"Thank you Niall, i'd forgotten all about that." He retorted, rolling his eyes, his focus remaining on the old menus a stark contrast against the black marble of the kitchen counter.
"Why would you put yourself through that?" Niall asked, no doubt mirroring Liam's exact thoughts as he hummed in agreement with the inquiry. His voice however shook a bit with worry (which Louis could pinpoint easily) as he continued. "Just get chinese and indian food."
Louis nodded, picking up the phone, and ordered enough for a small army. He knew Niall had a large appetite still if any of their dinners out had shown him so he didn't want to chance them running out of food and maybe he'd have leftovers so he wouldn't have to leave his house for a few days after his interview. No doubt he'd want to bury himself in the blankets of his bed and never get out but it was handy to have food at the ready as well.
Once he finished the order, he hung up, and placed both palms against the counter, leaning against it. "I am doing this because tonight I went to their engagement party. I talked to Nick and he said that Harry has been blaming himself for the things I did for a while." He huffed out a breath, walking around the small island and towards his friends. "Along with setting the story straight for the public, I am not going to let Harry feel bad for something that's not his fault. Consider it my closure and his wedding present." The male shrugged and walked towards the living room, grabbing the remote, then plopping on the couch.
Niall and Liam shared a look before they turned and walked into the living room to join him, sitting on either side of him. Louis noticed they were acting a lot less cautious and a lot more the boys he had spent multiple years with crammed in hotel rooms and buses with. The boys he ventured with up on stage and sang his heart out with. The ones that treated him like he was nothing short of what he truly was to them. Family.
After their food had gotten there, they had pigged out and watched the many Avenger movies. Liam wouldn't let them watch anything else and Louis was completely fine with that as long as he didn't sit there mouthing every single word. Even warned him that he would have an eggroll flinged at his face if he so much as uttered one word that matched the lips of any of the characters. Niall stretched out along the couch between them, his head in Louis' lap and feet in Liam's, chomping on his indian food which it turns out he was the only one in the mood for it so he got to eat it all himself. Of course he was completely content with not having to share. It was nice, being there with them. Being normal. No where near what their gatherings used to be but he tried not to delve that deep into his memory.
Suddenly, his phone buzzed from its spot on the arm of the couch, on vibrate because Liam complained that movie nights should be the same as being in a theater. No interruptions. Louis picked it up and the notification was for a text message but once he opened it, he nearly dropped his phone.
Hazza: Nick told me you stopped by. Sorry I missed you. Hope you're doing well .xx
It was simple. A small outreach of communication, yet all his insides were twisting. His heart was simultaneously pounding and aching and he tried to maintain his breathing so as to not alarm Niall and Liam. He could handle this. Really he could. it was only Harry. It had been ages. Sure he was still in love with the kid but there was nothing that could be done in that aspect. They didn't have a friendship either but this gave him a sliver of hope. The only problem with establishing their friendship again would be that he would have to accept and constantly deal with the knowledge that Harry was going home to someone else and not just someone else. Nick Grimshaw.
Objectively, there was nothing wrong with that. He even had a little bit of respect for Nick after their encounter at the party because honestly, he didn't have to tell him that Harry missed him. He didn't need to say all those things. It would be easy to be the possessive, protective dickhead fiancé but he wasn't. He wasn't sure if he should like that quality because the boy he loved didn't deserve to deal with someone like that or despise him for it because if he was like that maybe Harry would come back to him. That was unreasonable though.
"Hey. You alright?" Asked Niall, his clear blue gaze focusing up at him from his head's place in Louis' lap, concern etched upon his features. Clearly he wasn't as good at hiding his reaction as he thought.
"Yeah, Nialler. I'm great." Louis offered him a smile, pushing his fingers through the unruly brown hair on top of the male's head, ruffling it. "I just got a weird message but its all good."
"Are you sure its good?" Liam chimed in, looking over at him, his own look of concern on his face. "Who was it?"
Thinking it was best to keep the fact that Harry had texted him to himself to spare himself even more concerned glances and tiptoeing around eggshells, Louis shrugged. "It was just Lottie. It didn't make much sense so she must be texting while tired or at a party or something. It'll be fine, I will call her tomorrow morning."
Both boys dropped the subject and paid their attention back to the movie playing on the TV. When it was over, Liam was half asleep and Niall was fully asleep, the clock on the end table reading 3:40 am. He set Liam up in the guest room, deciding to let Niall sleep on the couch where he laid and then made his way into his own bedroom, stripping his clothes off, too tired to analyze all the thoughts his head could conjure up about the memories he had of laying in this bed, waking up in it, and spending all the other time he'd spent in it.
He drifted off into his fitful slumber with thoughts of the interview to come plaguing his mind.