Agony
"Derek is the kind of guy… I just knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not on purpose anyway. Not the way I hurt him."
A long time ago when you were only an intern, and you were dating Finn Dandridge the vet, Derek tried to walk away from you, saying that Finn was the better buy. But then you had to break it off with Finn, because Derek was the 'one,' for you, even if you wished more than anything that he wasn't.
Finn said that Derek was going to hurt you, and you believed him. But you still went through with it anyway because Derek was Derek. He was the guy in the bar, the brain surgeon. Derek was your McDreamy, and you figured that any pain he was inevitably going to cause you was worth it, because you would be with him.
That was when you still believed in happy endings, and knights in shining whatevers'.
Your memories of those times are hazy, but you have one other fractured one from the time you were in the hospital with appendicitis.
"Derek is the kind of guy… I just knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not on purpose anyway. Not the way I hurt him."
You remember Addison saying those words to you when you were high on morphine, and you scoff. So he wouldn't hurt her that way, but that's the way he decided to hurt you.
When you picked up the phone, and heard that peppy younger girl's voice you knew he'd betrayed you. Why else would she have his phone? Why else would she answer it?
You're angry, and hurt, and you want to cry, and you want to break things.
He was supposed to be your one, and you've thought that a million times now. He was supposed to be the end of all the boys, and the bars, and the obvious daddy issues, and he was supposed to keep being the love of your life for as long as you both shall live.
And now you find out that you were just a phase in his life, just like Rose had been, just like Addison had been. As you look back through your life you realize that Derek had always fought for you the hardest when there'd been someone else around, and that once the other option disappeared he dropped vaguely into indifference.
Addison.
You bite your lip now, and you realize that this is what she must have been feeling all these years ago.
Addison Shepherd, and you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband.
When she saw you, you were the person who had broken up her marriage, who had seduced him at the prom, and who had caused him to stay in Seattle for you instead of moving back to New York with him.
She hated you, until she didn't anymore, even if she never told you that again while you were sober.
You think about the strength it must have taken her to forgive you, and you wonder if you'll ever have the strength to forgive whoever it is who was on the other side of the phone today.
Addison.
Before you know it, you're calling her. Because you want to know what she was feeling, if it's the same as how you're feeling right now. If she has more insight than you do, or maybe she has some words of wisdom to pass on, to you. From one woman who's been screwed over by Derek Shepherd to another.
She answers you on the second ring.
"Hi," you say tentatively.
"Hi?" says Addison.
"Oh good, it is you," you sigh, and you take in her surprised gasp.
"It is," Addison says quietly. "Do you need something?" Addison asks you.
"What did it feel like, when you met me?" Meredith blurts out all of a sudden.
"I'm sorry, what?" says Addison.
"When you met the woman who'd been screwing your husband, what was that like for you?" You press on.
"Meredith-" Addison says in a concerned tone.
"I just want to know what it was like for you. Did you hate me? You had every right to hate me. Were you angry? Sad? Depressed? Something like that?" You continue.
"Meredith-" Addison tries to cut in, but the words just keep pouring out of you.
"Did you know right away, when he cheated on you," you blurt out, not too eloquently.
"Meredith-" says Addison softly. "Why are you calling me?"
"I just want to know, that's all. What it felt like, at that moment," you go on.
"Meredith-" says Addison.
But then you stop talking, and you actually wait for her to answer.
"Well, admittedly, it was awful," Addison sighs.
"Sorry-"
"It's okay."
"No, it's not."
"Meredith, it was twenty years ago. I've forgiven you," says Addison.
"You hated me-"
"I don't hate you, Meredith."
"But you did. At the time you did. Before you forgave me."
"But I did."
"When you hated me, what was that like," you press onwards.
"I wasn't innocent, Meredith. I'd already had an affair-"
"Right. But it must have really sucked though. I mean, I was this younger, peppy woman hanging around your husband, and it must have felt like crap."
"Okay yeah, it bugged a little… But I'm not sure I would ever have described you as 'peppy,' really," Addison chuckles.
"So I wasn't peppy. I'm not peppy. But this woman is. She's peppy. And I can tell that she's peppy just from the sound of her voice-" you ramble.
"What?" says Addison.
"She answered his phone. I called Derek, and she answered his phone. And I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything, but I called Derek, and she answered his phone. And she sounded peppy. He's been away in Washington D.C for while now, working on his brain mapping project, and he's never mentioned working with a young, peppy woman, but I think he likes it there. Likes her there. And maybe he's just a friend, or whatever. But I wasn't just his friend at the time, when he was with you, I mean. And I have this feeling that she's not just his friend either. So that's why I'm calling you. To ask you what it felt like, when you met me… Yes… That's all."
"Meredith, I'm so sorry," says Addison.
"You're not the one who should be apologizing."
"I know but-"
"I feel like crap."
"I know you do."
"You're the only one on the planet who knows exactly how I feel right now. And I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Meredith. Really, it's okay."
"No, it isn't."
"No, it isn't."
"I hate her," you say plainly.
"Yeah?" says Addison.
"Yeah, I think I do, maybe I'll get over it someday. Be a better person. Step aside or something like that," you sigh.
"I don't blame you," says Addison.
"Yeah?" you say.
"You know, a wise woman once told me that no man, not Derek, not anyone else, defines who you are," says Addison.
"That's crap," you deadpan.
"Yeah, it kinda is," says Addison. "Do you want me to beat him up?" Addison offers.
"That's okay," says Meredith. "I don't want to have to explain that to my kids."
"You know, I told him, I told him not to hurt you… Again…" offers Addison.
"Thank you," says Meredith.
"You'll get through this. You're tough," Addison offers.
"Thanks for listening, Addison," says Meredith.
"No problem Meredith," says Addison. "Anytime," she smiles sadly.
Derek's hurt you again. And Finn is gone. And you're all alone.
But at least someone else on the planet understands how you're feeling.
***** FIN