Better Ideas
"What, do you have any better ideas?"
"Hi, I was paged by Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd," you say to the nurse at the station.
"Montgomery-" says Addison, as she emerges from behind you.
"Huh-" you don't get it for a minute, until she clarifies.
"My name. The divorce came through this morning, so it's just Montgomery now," says Addison.
"Oh-" you say, as you follow her, and she tells you there's a patient with a foreign object stuck inside of her.
There are a million questions you have inside your head for her, like 'are you glad that you're finally leaving him?' and 'are you going to get together with Mark now?' and 'Did you hear that I broke up with Finn but I haven't told Derek yet?' but that'll all have to wait until later, because you're approaching the scan room.
And that's where you discover your patients, a woman who is mounted on top of a man, who ust have gotten stuck during sexual intercourse.
"He's the foreign body…" You gasp.
"I must have gotten something stuck on his new piercing. He has a new piercing on his-" Yeah. You get the picture.
"Well, let's see what we can do for you," says Addison very professionally, and you follow her to see the scans the best you can, as you try to investigate how you might get them out of there.
"So, your husband-" The patient cuts you off though.
"Ex-husband," they say simultaneously.
The plot thickens!
"We've been divorced for five years ago, but we started meeting up, and it just kept happening now, and I'm newly married to someone else but still-" the female patient rambles.
It's ironic, more for Addison than yourself, that the very day of her divorce she's treating a recently divorced couple, but you'll have to save that comment for later also.
Right now you're just trying to get a clear picture of them to come up, which is hard when they both won't stop fighting, and they both won't stop moving.
"Umm, would you be able to maybe, stay still for a moment," you try with the patients?
"Well, it's kind of hard to do that while she's on my-" the male patient declares.
"Right, I know, I know umm, but still. Could you maybe not move so much-" you try again.
"Pictures are still blurry," Addison sighs.
"What should we do?" you say, and also gesture.
"Well, we could try to hold them in place…" Addison trails off.
"You want to touch them, while they're… Touching each other!?" you flailing your arms a little.
"Do you have any better ideas!?" says Addison.
You don't, for the record.
But there still has to be someone on the other end waiting for a picture, so that's how you end up with Cristina moving the man's legs, and you swirling the woman's body around, not to mention in front of both patient's daughter, who just happened to walk in on this scandal.
"Alright, that seems to be working-" says Addison, once you've finally detached them.
"He's having a heart attack. Thank goodness. I mean, code blue!" says Cristina, as they wheel the man off to heart surgery.
The female patient's still with you though, and Addison lets you watch as she detangles her IUD from the patient.
"So since we've taken youre IUD out, you might want to consider other options for birth control," says Addison.
"Oh, I won't be having much sex for the next little while," says the patient. "Not after I tell my husband."
"You're going to tell him?" says Addison.
"Yeah, I have to," says the patient.
"Alright-" says Addison, as she signs off on the chart, and tells the patient that she's free to go.
You're still on her service though, so you watch as she checks up on her charts and labs, and looks over her paperwork.
"So, now that you are Derek are divorced, do you think you're gonna be like this divorced couple that still has breakup sex for the next five years?"
It's probably the wrong thing to blurt out, but you just couldn't help yourself, and it's out there now, so all you can do is wait until she answers.
"Hah!" says Addison. "Definitely not," she says concretely.
"Well, that's good… Right…?" You say awkwardly.
"Well, for starters, neither Derek nor I have any piercings on our… Well, you already knew that about Derek but you didn't know that about me, but anyway, no, we're not going to be like that couple who still has sex after our divorce, because the sex wasn't that good to begin with," Addison quips.
You bite your lip, because you don't want to tell her how you kinda already knew that.
"Sorry, was that TMI? You don't need to hear about my not-piercings, I'm sorry Dr. Grey," says Addison.
"Hah-" you giggle, and then you cover your mouth and try not to giggle again.
"Something funny there?" Addison asks you.
"No it's just-" you feel guilty, so you tell her. "There was this one time, when I was seeing Finn, and you were with Derek, and you called Finn but I picked up his phone because he was cooking me breakfast. And you said something about trying to 'have some decent sex here,' and that's why I'm laughing, I'm sorry," you bite your lip again.
"You heard us, while we were- Meredith," Addison groans.
"I um, I avoided you that morning," you say sheepishly.
"Probably for the best, I was in a mood," Addison softens, and you're relieved.
"Bad sex can do that to ya," you confess.
"You have bad sex?" says Addison.
"Okay, I have had a lot, and I mean a LOT of sex, so yeah, I've had bad sex," you confess.
"I've had a lot of bad sex," says Addison.
"And good sex?" You ask her.
"I've had better sex," says Addison. "I thought I had good sex. And I thought I had really good sex. But the way people talk about sex, I don't think I've had either," says Addison.
"I'm sorry," you say reflexively. And also genuinely, because seriously, how does someone who looks like that walk around having never had very good sex ever?
"Oh, no, you can stop apologizing. Derek and I were toast long before you came into the picture," says Meredith.
"No, I'm sorry you've never had great sex," you say.
"Yeah, well, it happens," says Addison. "I've got other things going for me. I have a good career… Yeah. I've got a good career," says Addison. "And hey, maybe I have had great sex," says Addison.
"I think you'd know if you've had great sex," you say.
"How would you be so sure, isn't it subjective?" says Addison.
"Have you ever had multiple orgasms?" you ask her.
"No-" says Addison.
"Have you ever squirted?" you ask her.
"No-" says Addison.
"Have you ever had sex so good you wanted to scream?" you ask her.
"No-" says Addison.
"Then you probably haven't had good sex yet," you shrug.
"Seriously?" says Addison.
"Seriously," you say. "And I mean, those things don't all have to happen at once, or in one night, or all the time. But sometimes, they're nice to have, you know," you offer.
"Right…" says Addison.
"Have you had those things when you… Y'know," you gesture.
"Huh?" says Addison, looking genuinely puzzled.
"Y'know," you say emphatically. "Have you ever gotten there yourself," you sigh as you have to elaborate for her.
"Huh?" says Addison.
"Addison-" you say sharply, and lean in to whisper. "Like, when you masturbate-".
"Oh-" says Addison, blushing and looking away from you.
"So-" you lean in again.
"Oh, I don't do that… So no," says Addison, shrugging.
"You don't-" you wave your arms around, and your eyebrows raise higher. "Never!?"
"No," Addison shrugs. "I always thought about sex as… A two-person activity…" says Addison.
"Hah, and never as a three-person activity?" you giggle.
"Umm-" Addison blushes again, and it's truly adorable.
"What, it was you who suggested it," you tease her.
"Okay…" Addison gives you that one.
"So how do you manage to orgasm!?" you shout-whisper.
"I usually don't," says Addison.
"Wow," you say. "That must be awful for you," you blurt out.
"I manage," says Addison.
"You manage," you deadpan. "That's impressive really…"
"Well, I just think sex isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I mean it causes so many problems, so now I'm just avoiding it," says Addison.
"Avoiding sex? You say.
"Yes," says Addison. "Avoiding sex."
"Okay, well if you're avoiding sex, you at least gotta try to do it yourself. I mean, come on, a girl's gotta get some somehow, right?" you whisper.
"I don't have time for that," says Addison.
"Everyone's got time for that," you squint at her.
"I don't even know how to do it," says Addison.
"Wait, seriously!?" you shout-whisper again.
"I grew up in Connecticut. We didn't talk about that stuff there," says Addison.
"And you've never… Aren't you a gynecologist!?" you exclaim.
"Mostly I specialize in babies…" says Addison.
"I'm stunned. I mean, I'm sorry Addison, because your life must be so hard," you say.
"As I said, I'm alright," says Addison.
"Your life would be much better if you orgasmed at least once a day," you whisper.
"That sounds like a very high goal…" says Addison.
"Okay c'mon, I'm gonna show you something, and you're gonna thank me later," you say, as you tug on her arm, and you move around the corner.
"Okay?" says Addison.
"Just, I'll let you out of saying 'I told you so.' As a gift to you," you say, as you step into an exam room together.
***** END OF CHAPTER 1