Hello, hello my darlings. So yeah, I know I'm a really bad author and have MIA for way too long. I know I should be working on my WIP and fucking finish it but yeah, I kinda had this on my head and after a night of hyper focus was able to write it in one go after ruminating on this possibility for way too long.
I promise I'm going to finish "What Is Born From The Ashes" is just that mental illness hasn't been precisely kind with me this las couple of years, even less so with the pandemic going on that really screwed me over a damn lot.
So I hope you like this story, I'm feeling kind of invested in it. I can't promise if there's a part 2 or anything because up to now this is all I have but I do have ideas and wants and if you like it and find it interesting I think we could make a couple more of instalments come out of it.
This is simply put what would have happened if the Gaang hadn't been able to get to Zuko on time while he was falling after fighting Azula and what would be going through his head.
So since I just wrote this tonight on a binge and was really impatient to post it is practically unedited and of course is unbetaed. Also I'm really interested in getting a Beta so they would help me with this, how do I get one? Also where does people get prompst and things like that? I kinda been far away from fandom world. Is Tumblr still the place to get opinions and prompts? I'm trying to force me to exercise my writing muscles and I would certainly need a social place to get ideas from and feedback.
Please be kind and let me know of any mistakes you spot. English is not my first language also. Thank you.
Well, I hope you enjoy this and that you like it. Please don't forget to leave your comments and kudos since I kinda feed on them. Thank you for reading.
Love, Kat
Everything was quiet. Everything was extremely quiet which was weird. Not five minutes ago he had been fighting with his sister while the war balloons were shooting down the Western Air Temple. His ears had been inundated by the constant roar of the fire and the wind while he was trying to fight on top of the stiff canvas that made up the balloons. His sister's screams and roars were thrown in the mix too, probably his own as well. It had been a few short minutes of crazy fighting, physical exertion and mental effort that now seem to have stopped in a second. Even the strong wind that had been piercing his ears incessantly had stopped suddenly the moment he realized he was going to keep falling and there was no way to stop it.
There was only silence and falling. The force of the fall and the resistance of the air prickling his skin, the pressure affecting his head and thousands of images flying in front of him, in his head more precisely since the only thing his eyes could see were a blur of rocks and sky expressed only in an undefined mixing of colours. However in his head the images weren't stopping at all.
It was kind of a bummer, now he had a clear answer to give to one of Sokka's questions but just as the Water Tribe teen had guessed, he was not going to live to be able to tell him.
It was an ironic contrast. Everything seemed to be calm but frenzied at the same time. He felt like he had been falling for hours, almost like floating but at the same time he knew that by the speed he was falling to it had obviously been only a few seconds, minutes at most.
Maybe he was actually floating calmly to his descent, maybe the airbenders, their spirits were gently conducing him to the ground so he would survive this. Maybe Aang had come back and since Appa couldn't reach him yet he was controlling his free fall from above until they could reach him. He wouldn't know, he couldn't hear a thing nor see anything. Maybe the frenzy was only in his head, in his sensations, in the thousand pictures and memories flying through his mind eye. Maybe it was the inverse, maybe the airbender spirits knew perfectly well who he was and they were angry, with him, his family, his nation, with the destruction of what little remained of them; and were making an effort to show him the mistakes of his life so this was his penance while they agitated the winds to force his fall to be infallible. It sure as hell was torture, the unstoppable stream of, now pretty much ridicoulous, thoughts accosting him till everything stopped.
He...just… he just wished… What did he wish? That his sister hadn't found them and attacked them that morning? That the gang had come back for him? That he had been a better person? That he had another chance to ask for forgiveness to the so many he had wronged? That he could see his uncle again, his mother, the mismatched group of friends he had made? That he had been able to see her face once again? That his sister had lent him a hand in this very real moment of need? That everything was over once and for all? It was going to be a long way down.
He couldn't think clearly but at the same time everything made sense, he couldn't breathe but he knew he was very much alive still. Everything was jumbled up in his head. The one thing that kept going through his head was that last image, that last moment before everything stopped having rhyme or reason and upside was downside and viceversa. That hand that purposely let him fall to his certain death. That smile full of glee. That cackling laugh. The sinister eyes of his sister's face.
They had been fighting on top of the airship that she had come from while the others had been still bombing the temple. He had been holding his ground very well if he could say so. He had been miraculously saved already from a deathly fall by the fifth balloon that had still been ascending when the first four began the attack. He was feeling confident, he felt like if he just could hold his ground a little more he would definitely be able to defeat her, at least harm her. Enough for the gang to escape through the tunnel and then he would be able to meet with them in some of the safe spots that he and Sokka had already delimited in case they had to abandon the temple before the comet.
He was effectively deflecting each and every one of her attacks until the last one where both of their fire fists crashed and combusted in a big explosion that blew them off the airship's roof. They started falling together, pretty close to each other trying to redirect themselves with their fire kicks to salvation. They got closer and closer, so much so that if they wanted they could have kept on fighting each other as they were falling. He wasn't worrying until he started noticing that they wouldn't find a way to stop. Then he saw the chain fall from the closest airship. Azula was fast to hold onto it and her weight pulled the chain a little further down until her momentum stopped.
At the same time, she extended her arm to him just as he extended his to her. It was unconscious from both of them. Neither one thought what they were doing. It was evident when their fall was stopped and they looked into each other's eyes. And then the weight of it came over them. It lasted seconds, infinite seconds that seemed to extend until the end of time, but in reality it was seconds. Only seconds.
Zuko looked at her with begging eyes for her to, for once in her life, be his little sister, to have mercy on him and his miserable existence. She looked at him while it dawned on her the kind of power she now held over him, the one she always delighted in having and bragged about. She literally now had his life In. Her. Hand. Her eyes which for a second or two had been wide with terror started to screw into that sinister look along with that evil smirk that had haunted his dreams from time to time. She made for a terrifying look, there was something more off than usual, like suddenly one wheel had turned one too many times.
She started letting go finger by finger. He felt his hand slipping with each one. And though he isn't sure if he said it he only could think 'no, please, by Agni, no'. Until there were no more fingers, only emptiness and the slow descent into nothingness to which he had been condemned.
He had always known, but he had never believed it. She was his sister. His little sister. Even though he had always feared her to some extent he had wanted to believe (just as he did with his father for such a long time) that there was more there, that they could be a family. That what his mother had tried so much to engrain in both of them about fraternal love truly was there, that it existed under the surface. On his last moments on earth all his worst fears had been confirmed. And she was cackling. Her whole body rocking with it, her deranged eyes looking at him as he fell, she said something, he could see her lips moving but couldn't hear it for the life of him.
She let him fall.
And she didn't care.
The emptiness still surrounded him. The image, the moment came and went. Another memory gone by he didn't need to revise a second time. Azula, her craziness, their lack of a bond no longer mattered. All their shared memories had already passed him. Their childhood years where competitiveness was child's play and pure bark with no bite. Mediated fights by their mother who always offered a warm embrace and a gentle smile, all gone by. Nothing of that mattered anymore. It was gone the moment she let go and he understood that she had a long time before that, but he hadn't.
Now his mind had other things to focus on. He still wondered why it wasn't focusing on his imminent death. Must be some defense mechanism. Like the fact that he was still falling looking what he thought was upwards, his back was going to be the first thing to hit the ground, and he was not thinking about it. Well, not really.
He could only feel regret. Various kinds of it. He regretted that he would never learn how to throw a boomerang from Sokka, they had tried a couple times but had put it off most the time since they were meant to catch dinner, not goof off. He regretted that in the end he had lied to Toph, he had said that they would meet again but now he was sure they wouldn't. He regretted that he spent most of his time trying to not be jealous of Aang and the easiness that seemed to surround his life and situation instead of making a bigger effort to be his friend. He regretted he would never be able to really know Chief Hakoda and the wisdom that seemed to surround him besides the unabashed love he had for his children. The same with Suki and all those sparring sessions they never got to have too preoccupied with other parts of their planning. He regretted he would never tell Katara…
He regretted most of anything that he would never see his uncle ever again. He had tried and failed the day of the invasion. He would die and his uncle would see another son go before his time because of this damned war and he would die with his last words to him being those of contempt and disgrace. He had been so bad to him, he definitely never deserved all the love that Iroh always gave him unconditionally but now more than ever it weighted on his spirit the fact that he hadn't been good at reciprocating it. He lamented with every part of his soul that he hadn't been able to realise how loved he was before, even if it was not by whom he had wanted to. He had everything he had always wanted in his uncle Iroh but now he would go unable to even say a last goodbye, a thank you and 'I love you'.
Then he regretted not really knowing what had happened to his mother. He had spent the last few weeks working through what his father had said to him on their last encounter. If what he said was true (something he doubted strongly) then that meant that she was alive, somewhere out there in the immensity of the world, either waiting for him and the situation to be safe or denouncing him for his misdeeds. He had entertained himself on his idle moments in the temple with thoughts of a teary reencounter between them where his mother effusively affirmed that love he had always wanted and needed. Every decision he made from the moment he set foot on those stone floors made him think that maybe she would be proud of what he was doing for the world. He had imagined their meeting in every way possible, good and bad, but in the end they had met again and their past was past and the future was shared and bright. Now he wouldn't even be able to know if any of those imaginations were to come true, not even the worst he could dream of. All of them would crash to the ground along with him.
Falling, more falling.
Nothingness and emptiness surrounded him in an ever changing landscape of blurry colours and undefined shapes.
His mind slowed once more. The memories of his childhood finally completely behind him with the last thoughts directed to his uncle and mother and the love he wanted to direct to them. It outstanded him that after years of tortuous reminders about his father and the pain inflicted by him now he didn't seem to be able to conjure him in his thoughts. Every thought that had plagued his mind most of his life and certainly during those long three years of exile now seemed to be fleeting and unimportant. Gone before he could grab onto them with his flailing hands. Evaporated into the air that inhabited the canyon where the temple was situated. Agni, he sure wished they had been like this during those years where nightmares of fiery hands over burning flesh invaded his every minute. Why was it that now, just now, when everything was already over it all became so clear and easy. Why had the spirits condemned him so to be so obtuse for so long.
And then… then there was her. Her and her smiles never directed at him. Her and her beautiful face and disposition, always ready to help and love everyone that needed it. Her and her spirit and her strength that surmounted anything. Her whom he could probably take down in a fight but somehow always came victorious over him. Her who had impulsed him to fight better, do better, be better. Her, who wouldn't look him in the eye unless it was to send a subtle insult his way and he would take it because he deserved it. Her whom he had wronged more than anyone in this world. Her to whom he had dedicated most of his efforts to ask for forgiveness and absolution. Her, who woke unexpected feelings and emotions in himself that he had never thought he could experience, ever.
The waterbender probably had done away with his heart way before he could realise she had. Maybe it was the first time he really saw her as more than a nuisance and a companion to the object of his pursuits. Somewhere along the way she had transformed from the girl that travels with the Avatar to the waterbender that could present a real fight against him. She had his respect way before her brother had it and it was funny to think that now he was actually friends with him but she was as unreachable as she had always been.
Perhaps she had stolen his heart the day he allowed her to touch his scar under green phosphorescent crystals in a hidden city beneath a nest of mess and despair. He still couldn't understand why or how that had happened. They were enemies and two seconds afterwards they were opening up to each other, gazing into each other's eyes, casting promises of healing in ways more profound than scars left on skin by abusive fathers. Maybe it was precisely because of that that he chose the wrong path, there was something terrifying about what she proposed, a change so great that his soul at that moment could not face no matter how much he had wanted to. The sweet dripping of Azula's voice had sounded more simple and attractive than the hard work, the facing up that Katara's had presented.
He had wanted to, he knew his uncle had wanted him to, he knew that Katara had expected him to, but as the coward that he was, not able to make the right choice, breaking his heart along with those of the people that had believed in him even when he didn't. It had cost him dear, more than he could understand at the beginning. He thought he had gained so much but in the end he had realised that everything was shallow, make belief compared with what he had paid with his soul the moment he took that decision. He was still regretting it today somehow, even though he could see that at the end of the road it was necessary for him to tear down the castles in the sky he had built around all his life and wants.
He knew the moment he came to the temple, even before the very threatening encounter they had after he was accepted by the group, that she would never let him in again. No matter how much he tried. And damned he had tried. He had done everything in his power to demonstrate to her that he had actually changed. They had reached a sort of impasse where she would restrain herself of insulting him and being overtly aggressive at least to let him help with the mundane dealings of their campsite.
Still, he pined for her, thought of her every moment of his day, saw her in her natural habitat taking care of this group of ragtag misfits. Pining for forgiveness and absolution turned into longing and falling in a way that actually didn't feel so different from his current situation. How did people differentiate between admiration, the want to please and this that he had been feeling for some time now.
There was so much he didn't understand and he had the impression that if he could at least have one last conversation with his uncle he certainly would be able to answer most of these questions. After all, the old man had loved well and truly along his life, besides the fact that he was a ladies man and the inherent wisdom about everything that seemed to surround him. He would probably laugh at him first and foremost before answering but if he offered answers he would take it.
Here he was, falling to his death, thinking stupidities like the girl he likes and what his uncle would say to him about him. Thank Agni, he hadn't yet traversed into the territory of thinking what her brother would say.
He was thankful for two things more than anything. First, that his sacrifice was not in vain. His diversion had worked at some point and by focusing Azula on him they were certainly able to escape at least far enough for them to hide until the airships left the premises of the Western Air Temple. Second, that he was able to hold her at least one time in his life. Sure he was not really holding her and she really didn't want him to hold her but circumstances had worked that way somehow.
The roof had been coming down on her and he didn't even need to think about it, he just jumped to move her out of the way. He put his arm around her waist and dragged her with him taking the momentum to roll around the ground to get as far as possible of the chunk of concrete that would have fallen on top of her. They rolled around and he did as much as he could to envelope himself around her and prevent her from injury until they ended with her chest on the floor and his on her back. And even though he had been kinda of proud of his quick thinking she had clearly been annoyed by it if her lack of thanks and tone were anything to go by.
However, as he was being swallowed by the darkness more and more he felt that there was no more important moment than that where he had briefly touched her. Where one of his deepest, darkest fantasies realised even without him meaning to even admit it to himself. Now he could see it clearly, he wanted her, he longed for her, he was actually falling for her. And he would never get to know if he was ever forgiven, if she ever changed her mind about him, if he was ever able to prove himself to her. That that first time she saw something good in him was real and that he was able to be what she had believed he could be.
Time kept on passing and he kept on falling. The world was narrowing more and more. His vision that had seen only blurry colours quickly passing by was now tunneling and becoming dark around the edges and he somehow knew that the end was ever closer. This was it. There was no miracle saving that would stop him from crashing on the ground and becoming dust before he was able to achieve everything he had set himself to do. He was closing in on himself more and more. And through it all he kept on thinking about the waterbender. He was a real masochist. And an idiotic one at that if he said so.
He was literally dying. He could feel it, in his bones, in his soul. He was going to die soon. But the only thing going around his head were a set of recent memories of him doing chores silently besides her, of him thinking how to get on her good graces, of him observing her training, teaching, caring and his admiration growing by the minute. His brain was already a scrambled mess. Probably he wasn't as good at deflecting his sister as he had thought, something must have hit his head.
Just as he was preparing himself for the final impact an image as implausible as his survival popped up in his mind.
He is in the public plaza of the Fire Palace, it is replete with people from every nation, dressed with all the colours you could imagine: Earth Kingdom greens and browns, Fire Nation reds and blacks, Water Tribe blues and whites, even Air Nomads yellows and oranges. They are all looking up to him. He is standing by the Grand Fire Sage, dressed with the Fire Lord's finest robes and by the weight on his top knot he somehow knows that the crown is on his head. On the first row and around him are the people he loves most in this world. Sokka by his side, Suki opposite him. Toph is giving him a cheeky smirk and a thumbs up while Aang with an arm over her shoulder has a shit-eating green and seems to be unable to control his excitement. His uncle is standing close to him dabbing tears with a handkerchief while his mother openly cries beside him. He can see every person that accompanied him at one moment or another, his crew, Haru, Teo, Chit Sang, The Duke, even Ty Lee and Mai with their arms interlaced as they watched on. The atmosphere is peaceful and content.
Until everything stops and he sees the most beautiful thing in the whole world. Chief Hakoda is walking towards him with the biggest smile he has ever seen, looking proud and happy, on his arm a vision sent by Agni himself. Dressed in the finest silks died in the purest blue and beaded in white in shapes he barely recognises as the sea and the moon is Katara, that is looking at him with a smile he has only ever dreamed of and eyes that tell him that he is loved like he never, ever imagined that he could be loved. Everything disappears and there's only them and nothing else in the world. With every step his heart beats faster, her smile gets wider. He knows this is it. This is the moment he has been waiting for. He extends his hand to her as she walks up the steps of the platform, she stretches hers to take his.
He feels his heart about to burst. He keeps falling but doesn't care about it. His hand moves without his will upwards towards that imagery that could save his whole existence. He is about to touch her fingertips when the time that seemed to have stopped starts picking up speed. His vision fades more and more to black, he can only see her face. 'Don't go, please, don't leave, don't let this be it, please, Katara' he thinks. His eyes close trying to retain the vision but it all disappears. He is so lost in all of it that he doesn't feel how the winds have changed. His mind starts failing, he can't discern anything beyond his unyielding wish to not let this be the end. The spirit couldn't be so mean as to send him such a wonderful vision of a possible future only to end this way.
Suddenly everything comes to a stop with a thud. There's something hard beneath him, his head aches, his heart aches, everything aches.
Maybe if he sleeps he will see it again, that marvelous dream. Yes, if he follows the dark he'll see it again. He falls unconscious just before he can hear someone gasp:
"By the spirits"