Story: Gone, Chapter 1
Summary: Every part of him felt drained. Every part of him hurt. Part of him wanted to deny it was real, because Alphonse was just there with him. He was just there. In the gate he had even smiled at him, and then he was gone, just like that. It was all so sudden and he didn't know how to process it.
In which Al is too weak to survive when he comes back from the gate, and Ed just has to grow to accept it.
I am entirely writing this from my own heart and my own feelings, because I just lost my grandmother yesterday from a stroke(before finding out that my other grandmother is dead too) and it hurts so fucking bad right now. So please, please just be nice, maybe I'm selfish for writing out my feelings about something this serious through a fanfiction, but I need to write about it in some way or another because I feel on the verge of doing something reckless. This will contain extreme trigger warnings such a self-harm and suicidal themes, so I hope you will bear that in mind as you read it. Thank you so much.
...
Death was an inevitable part of life. Ed knew that. He'd learned it with both the deaths of his mother and later his father, alongside Greed and all the other people he'd lost. But that didn't stop it from hurting when Al's human body was too weakened to go on living, and Al's eyes slipped into unconsciousness. And nothing aside from Trisha's death could even remotely compare to what he was feeling since losing Al.
Every part of him felt drained. Every part of him hurt. Part of him just wanted to deny it was real, because Alphonse was just there with him.
He was just there. In the gate he had even smiled at him, and then he was gone, just like that . It was all so sudden and he didn't know how to process it.
He kept wondering that maybe if he had done something different, maybe if they had got him help sooner, maybe if everybody had moved faster, and he hadn't panicked or took time to even question what to do, then it would have turned out differently, maybe they could have helped him. But in the end, Al was dead and there was nothing he could do.
Over and over again, he could remember himself repeatedly calling out and saying "Hang on, Al. Stay with us, we're going to get you help."
Over and over again , Mei's sobs echoed in his head like a mantra , and the lifeless look in Alphonse's eyes haunted him to the point of insanity. The sight and sound of Alphonse's armor going limp kept playing games with his psyche, as he remembered all the hopes for the future Alphonse had; the things he planned on doing when he got his body back, and even the journal he had been writing in, which he'd read over at least a hundred times by now.
A certain part told him that being stuck in a suit of armor on a thin battery or a potentially vegetative state wasn't a much better fate, and maybe he was selfish for desiring that for his brother over this, and he knew it was only a matter of time at the rate things were going but he didn't care. He just wanted to talk to him again, to tell him he loved him . He just wanted to hear him again , just once more. He missed him, so badly it hurt.
After that he only felt nausea as he looked down upon his flesh arm which Alphonse had sacrificed his armor and inevitably his life for.
Truth was, it wasn't even really the big things that Edward missed. No, unironically it was every small thing that served as an all too fresh reminder of his dead brother. Whether it be every cat he saw pass by him, or something as stew or milk. He couldn't stomach any of it, no matter how much Winry or Pinako tried to convince him to eat that night.
He could barely even bring himself to speak it was so exhausting . He would die to hear his brother make some witty remark about him being short or needing to drink his milk again. He would die to hug and hold him in his arms again, to lean against him even if it was only him in his armor.
Next with that came anger.
He was angry at Father for pushing them into that situation, angry at God for being so cruel, angry at life because death was a part of it, angry at the doctors for choosing that for him, and, above all, angry at himself, for causing everything in the first place, by pressuring Al into committing human transmutation to bring their mother back.
Worst of all, he didn't even get to say goodbye. Al was too weakened and completely unresponsive by the time they reached they hospital, by the time he came out of the gate even, and in the end, against Ed's wishes and protests, the doctors decided to pull the plugs.
They told him that Alphonse wouldn't want to be kept like that, but who were they to decide that?! Who the hell gave them any right or say so over what Alphonse wanted. Only he knew what Alphonse wanted! Alphonse wanted to live, to press forward, even if he did have to go through something like that. He wouldn't just give up!
"That idiot…! He wasn't supposed to die on me like this... Those incompetent doctors don't even know what the hell they're saying. They just pulled the plugs because they didn't want to deal with him. He could have lived. He could have lived ... It isn't fair, none of this is fair…" He found himself cursing beneath his breath a couple days after Alphonse had died. He ripped the skin of his new arm to pieces, unable to hold himself back from sobbing against the bathtub wall. "...And now even my bastard father's gone too… Damn it...!"
His head was pounding, but he couldn't stop his tears from falling. He really missed him, so fucking bad. His brain's hardwiring kept expecting to hear his brother's voice again, to find out it was all just some bad dream, but he knew Alphonse would never be coming back and that Human transmutation was out of the question, especially since he didn't have his alchemy any more.
What did any of their efforts to get his body back even matter if it was just going to end up like this...?
What was it even all for…? Did it really not amount to anything in the end…?
After a long moment of crying, he could only bring himself to choke out one thing, not even caring if it sounded melodramatic:
"I just want to be with him… Alphonse… I miss him so much, dammit, I just want to die… Alphonse... "
Unknown to him, Winry and Pinako heard every word of what he said from the other side of the door. Although they didn't know he was hurting himself, it still concerned them greatly.
It wasn't like they didn't understand what he was feeling. After all, Al was like family to them, and they too had faced other loses like this in the past just as Ed had. But out of all three of them, Ed was easily the closest to Al. His pain was entirely reasonable, and more than anything they wanted to be there for him, but there was only so much they could do for him without causing him even more pain.
It was then that Winry got an idea. Izumi was almost like a mother to Ed and Al, even more than their teacher, as she had been there for them throughout a large portion of their childhood, taught them Alchemy, even let them live with her. Maybe she would know what to do or how to be there for Ed in such a time as this.
A/N: I don't know where I'm going with this, or if I'll complete it, but this is a very vulnerable time for me. It seems like everything is setting me off right now and making me break down in tears, so I wrote this entirely from the heart. I hope you all will stick with me if I can bring myself to continue it...